Fresh from the Inbox

[Snoopy]

 

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=4917.0

Better typed too.  

[Barman]

 

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=4917.0

Better typed too.  

Indeed! 

[Darwins Selection]

Never rely on the spell checker alone. . . 

From the parish newsletter:

".... and xxxxx has decided to retire from the council since being diagnosed with irrational bowl syndrome..."

[Nick]

That is what Tipsy has 

[Tipsy Gipsy]

   I am better thank you very much!

[Nick]

Good. I have thought of little else but your bowels all day 

[Miss Demeanour]

Been choosing paint colours have we 

[Darwins Selection]

Been choosing paint colours have we 

[Pastis]

Oh no   

‘Ginger’ chandelier with crystal rings from Micron
Published: 20-Sep-2010

Italian light fixture maker Micron has introduced a new series of luxury lamp named ‘Ginger’ featuring a sparkling waterfall form made of crystal rings.

With its perpetual fall of crystals shape, Ginger hanging lights create a luxurious light effect with glasses sparkling through light. The quantity and position of rings make a unique aesthetic appeal to this design chandelier.

Each crystal ring hangs in a circle scheme that falls from the ceiling and floats in the air. Some of the rings are coloured in ruby red or warm amber or trendy purple or black, to offer an enhanced visual appeal.

Ginger is available in three sizes - with 140 crystal rings, 42 lights and diameter of 80 cm (M6480); with 54 rings and 27 lights (M6460); and with 18 rings and nine lights (M6410). The wires are supplied with maximum height of 150/130/100 cm.

You want to see it don't you?  Well here you go:



Isn't that just f... f..... f.... fabulous 

[Nick]

 

[Barman]

The mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons in
the City Centre

He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London
was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on
the pavements, or drive on the roads.

It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements
clean.

One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.

'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to
the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions.

Or, you can pay me one million pounds to ask one question.'


The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition

The next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his coat, and
released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and
flew up into the bright blue London sky.

All
the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in
the air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed
the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of
Nelson's Column


The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had
performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the
plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged
nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million pounds and
told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though
they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he
decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.

The mayor asked:












“Do you have a blue Paki ?? “

[Barman]

"One lady owner."

So the clutch is fucked then?

[Nick]

 
> >WOMAN'S DIARY:
> >
> >Thursday 20th Sept 2006
> >
> >Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been
> >shopping
> >in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him -
> thought it
> >might be that.
> >
> >The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere
> quieter
> >to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we
> went
> >somewhere nice to eat.
> >
> >All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and
> >didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.
> >
> >I just knew that something was wrong.
> >
> >He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He
> >hesitated but followed.
> >
> >I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned
> the
> >television on. After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was
> going
> >upstairs to bed.
> >
> >I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply.
> >
> >He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.
> >
> >He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my
> surprise,
> >we
> >made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.
> >
> >Cried myself to sleep -I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's
> found
> >someone else.
> >
> >
> >MAN'S DIARY:
> >
> >Thursday, 20th September 2006
> >
> >West Ham lost. Gutted. Got a shag though.
>

[Barman]

The Affs! 

[Just One More]

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to  him....
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
“Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money too!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"

 
"Here it comes."