COMMUTERS. When you leave your house, sprint the first 200 yards and then revert back to your regular walking speed. This will save you from having to do the run of shame for the bus nearer the stop and look like a fool when you miss it.
SKATEBOARDERS. Next time you come to a set of steps with a handrail in the middle, pick up your skateboard in one hand, grasp the handrail with the other and carefully walk down the steps. This way it won't be quite as painful on your bollocks.
KIDS. THREADING a piece of string through a ping pong ball and painting it brown is ideal for a fun game of conkers that conforms with the 1974 Health & Safety Act, section 52, paragraph c.
DRIVERS. When the salesgirl in your local petrol station holds your banknote up to the light, simply wink at her, laughingly telling her "the ink's still wet!" Trust me, she won't have heard this one before, and you might even get a shag.
NURSING home staff. Modify a bathtub by attaching roller skates to the bottom, and next time you give an old man a bath, roll him down a country lane for some 'Last of the Summer Wine' style fun.
RATS. IMPROVE your image by attaching a small brush to your arse and pretending to be a squirrel.
POTHOLERS. Take a tip from cats and avoid getting stuck in holes by growing a moustache to the exact width of your body.
BANANA LOVERS. Buy your bananas in bunches of 5 on Sunday. Then arrange them in order of ripeness and write a day of the week on each banana in felt pen, Monday on the ripest, Friday on the greenest, to save time making those decisions on a hectic weekday morning.