The Virtual Pub
Come Inside... => The Comedy Room => Topic started by: The Moan Ranger on July 22, 2011, 12:37:41 PM
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Your starter for 10.
I have three daughters:
Daisy- 9
Polly- 8
Jane- 6.
They're all amazing, but Jane only gets a 6 because she's shit at blow jobs. Cracking tits, though.
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Keep em coming........ ;D
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Your starter for €10.
I have three daughters:
Daisy- 9
Polly- 8
Jane- 6.
They're all amazing, but Jane only gets a 6 because she's shit at blow jobs. Cracking tits, though.
whistle:
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Your starter for €10.
I have three daughters:
Daisy- 9
Polly- 8
Jane- 6.
They're all amazing, but Jane only gets a 6 because she's shit at blow jobs. Cracking tits, though.
whistle:
Now that is funny...........
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Your starter for €10.
I have three daughters:
Daisy- 9
Polly- 8
Jane- 6.
They're all amazing, but Jane only gets a 6 because she's shit at blow jobs. Cracking tits, though.
whistle:
Now that is funny...........
And contractually binding... whistle:
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When I said I wanted to do stand up everyone laughed at me .........
Well there are not laughing now......
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When I said I wanted to do stand up everyone laughed at me .........
Well there are not laughing now......
I bet you didn't pay for that one either.... ::)
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My wife accused me of having absolutely no sense of direction. Honestly, I was so disgusted I just packed my things and right.
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My wife accused me of having absolutely no sense of direction. Honestly, I was so disgusted I just packed my things and right.
lol: lol: lol:
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SHouldn't this shite be in the Hat Coat thread? rubschin:
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SHouldn't this shite be in the Hat Coat thread? rubschin:
No.
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When I said I wanted to do stand up everyone laughed at me .........
Well there are not laughing now......
I bet you didn't pay for that one either.... ::)
noooo: Bob Monkhouse, 1974
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When I said I wanted to do stand up everyone laughed at me .........
Well there are not laughing now......
I bet you didn't pay for that one either.... ::)
noooo: Bob Monkhouse, 1974
I think it was Bob! lol: lol: lol:
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It was ~ His joke was originally written by him for Bob Hope and he later used it often himself.
"They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now."
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Here's another classic from Monkhouse that APC could use. whistle:
"People often think I'm from Kent. I hear them whisper it as I walk past."
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Here's another classic from Monkhouse that APC could use. whistle:
"People often think I'm from Kent. I hear them whisper it as I walk past."
happy001
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I saw a dead woman laying in a field last night. So I reported it to the police. They said, 'how did you find her body?' I said, 'her tits were okay but her ar$e was a bit tight'. redface:
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I saw a dead woman laying in a field last night. So I reported it to the police. They said, 'how did you find her body?' I said, 'her tits were okay but her ar$e was a bit tight'. redface:
;D ;D
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I know how Anders Behring Breivik feels.
The last time I gatecrashed a summer camp I shot a load as well.
redface:
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I know how Anders Behring Breivik feels.
The last time I gatecrashed a summer camp I shot a load as well.
redface:
Using that tonight ........ lol:
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I know how Anders Behring Breivik feels.
The last time I gatecrashed a summer camp I shot a load as well.
redface:
lol: lol: lol:
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How bad has the UK become when I say Jeremy Kyle on a mic ................and before the joke people start cheering and whooping .........I knew I was fecked then noooo:
So I need pleb jokes ..............
anyone here watch crap day-time TV.......?????????
BTW done the loose women joke.......
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I was in ecstacy, with a smile on my face, as my girlfriend moved forwards then backwards.....
forwards then backwards.....
back and forth,
back and forth,
In and out....
In and out....
Her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush and she started to grunt and groan.
Then she let out one almighty scream!!!.....
"I can't park this fucking car! You do it you smug bastard!"
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How bad has the UK become when I say Jeremy Kyle on a mic ................and before the joke people start cheering and whooping .........I knew I was fecked then noooo:
So I need pleb jokes ..............
anyone here watch crap day-time TV.......?????????
BTW done the loose women joke.......
"Darling I can't help being fat," the wife sobbed. "It's from water retention!"
"I do understand," I replied, "So buy f*cking cakes with less moisture content."
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2: If I wanted to spend £7 to see a specky lover, a ginger nice person and a hot girl I'd like to f*#k, I'd pay my child support.
Grandad went into a nursing home . I rang to see how he was settling in and they told me he was like a fish out of water .
I assumed by that they meant he wasn't settling in well .
Then they told me he was dead .
I was in the car with this bird last night and the flirting was intense.
"F*ck me in the sh*thole" she cried,
I said, "There's no way I'm driving to [insert town of choice] at this time of night"
redface:
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;D ;D ;D ;D
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I was in ecstacy, with a smile on my face, as my girlfriend moved forwards then backwards.....
forwards then backwards.....
back and forth,
back and forth,
In and out....
In and out....
Her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush and she started to grunt and groan.
Then she let out one almighty scream!!!.....
"I can't park this fucking car! You do it you smug bastard!"
happy001
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Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2: If I wanted to spend £7 to see a specky lover, a ginger nice person and a hot girl I'd like to fuck, I'd pay my child support.
lol: lol: lol:
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Right need more before saturday .............oh I owe JOM a beer ..........put it on BM tab........ whistle:
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Well, because my inbox is devoid of jokes at the moment, you can always try Aussie Jeds site (http://www.jeack.com.au/~jed/) as a fallback
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The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a wank. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.
Black bloke comes home to find his son sitting on the couch, grinning from ear to ear. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. "I just shagged the girl next door" he says proudly. "Well done son. I hope you were wearing something." "Yup" he replied. "A balaclava."
I've just watched the Simpsons and realised it's a load of bollocks. Who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear power station?
I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the programme's called Fact Hunt.
The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back
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I've just watched the Simpsons and realised it's a load of bollocks. Who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear power station?
;D
Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back
A close call yesterday, the woman next door accused me of stealing her underwear off her washing line. I nearly shat her knickers
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Need more guys ..........Sunday is a full set .........
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We should get paid for this rubschin:
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We should get paid for this rubschin:
You are Bm and I claim my fiver ............
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Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so try this one:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Jew, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African, all went to a night club.
The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you lot in without a Thai. "
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Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so try this one:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Jew, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African, all went to a night club.
The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you lot in without a Thai. "
drumroll:
He wouldn't remember that lot.... noooo:
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Dear Deidre,
I was watching my next door neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window.
As I was knocking one out I turned to notice my wife just stood there, arms folded...watching me.
Is she a pervert?
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lol: lol: lol:
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My wife said, "How would you describe me?"
I said, "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She said, "What does that mean?"
I said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot."
She smiled and said, "That's so sweet, but what about I, J, and K?"
I said, "I'm just kidding."
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My wife said, "How would you describe me?"
I said, "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She said, "What does that mean?"
I said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot."
She smiled and said, "That's so sweet, but what about I, J, and K?"
I said, "I'm just kidding."
drumroll:
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Apparently a masked superhero double act were seen on the streets of Tottenham last night.
Blackman & Robbing
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Apparently a masked superhero double act were seen on the streets of Tottenham last night.
Blackman & Robbing
lol: lol: lol:
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Sod buying flypapers in future. I'm gonna get a couple of those Somalian kids, have you seen the amount of flies they attract redface:
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The rioters have looted the BodyShop here; the skin lightening cream went within seconds redface:
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In further news Tottenham Hotspur have just signed a new Italian striker called Grabatelli...
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The Spurs Trophy room was looted last night.
Police are looking for two blokes carrying a 6x9 carpet.
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lol: lol: lol:
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Just seen a black 80's soul singer running down the road with a 50 inch plasma TV..
I think it was Looter Vandross.
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Just seen a black 80's soul singer running down the road with a 50 inch plasma TV..
I think it was Looter Vandross.
lol: lol: lol:
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Do you know the story of the cunt in four parts apc....? rubschin:
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Do you know the story of the cunt in four parts apc....? rubschin:
Ed Balls - The movie rubschin:
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Bob Mortimer - So Angelos, what have you been up to?
Angelos Epithimiou ( cloud9: ) - I've been out to that Afghanistan
BM - Really what were you doing there?
AE - I thought I'd do my bit, I was entertaining the troops
BM - And how did it go
AE - Not to well really, but let's be honest, my stuff was never gonna go down well with the Taliban was it ;D
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lol: lol: Good twist!
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Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford , killing anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.
Just Fostered a Muslim. All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.
Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke. All I said was, "golly you're tall.".
They've had to cancel the panto 'jack & the beanstalk',in Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley , Leicester , Luton & London: because the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
And my favourite one of the bunch...
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.
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happy002
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Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.
happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
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The bloke that got eaten by a shark on his honeymoon didn't suffer much . He had only been married for a few days .
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All gonna be used tomorrow .......... cloud9:
with a credit to JOM .......... ;D
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All gonna be used tomorrow .......... cloud9:
with a credit to JOM .......... ;D
And the VP I hope.... whistle:
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Who suggested the taliban joke ..............nearly got killed last night by RAF pilots........ noooo:
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Who suggested the taliban joke ..............nearly got killed last night by RAF pilots........ noooo:
point:
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Who suggested the taliban joke ..............nearly got killed last night by RAF pilots........ noooo:
point:
Was quite a interesting moment ............2 people stopped me today and asked about it ........ noooo:
I blame JOM
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Who suggested the taliban joke ..............nearly got killed last night by RAF pilots........ noooo:
I remember it well, it was Barman, see here
Bob Mortimer - So Angelos, what have you been up to?
Angelos Epithimiou ( cloud9: ) - I've been out to that Afghanistan
BM - Really what were you doing there?
AE - I thought I'd do my bit, I was entertaining the troops
BM - And how did it go
AE - Not to well really, but let's be honest, my stuff was never gonna go down well with the Taliban was it ;D
whistle:
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Who suggested the taliban joke ..............nearly got killed last night by RAF pilots........ noooo:
I remember it well, it was Barman, see here
Bob Mortimer - So Angelos, what have you been up to?
Angelos Epithimiou ( cloud9: ) - I've been out to that Afghanistan
BM - Really what were you doing there?
AE - I thought I'd do my bit, I was entertaining the troops
BM - And how did it go
AE - Not to well really, but let's be honest, my stuff was never gonna go down well with the Taliban was it ;D
whistle:
That's why I do not use the donate button ......... noooo:
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Quite right too. I shall stop pressing it too, to express my supporting your actions comrade :thumbsup:
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No fucker presses it! cussing:
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Just saw the neighbour's little kid trying to spray whipped cream on his pet cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night he wasn't supposed to.
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Just saw the neighbour's little kid trying to spray whipped cream on his pet cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night he wasn't supposed to.
lol: lol: lol:
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The girlfriend's breasts are feeling a lot firmer recently.
Must be the rigor mortis.
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The girlfriend's breasts are feeling a lot firmer recently.
Must be the rigor mortis.
;D ;D ;D ;D
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Wumman goes into the butchers and asks him can she 'ave the pigs 'ed that's behind him.
"That's the friggin' mirror you ugly munter"
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I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet.
But only for about 30 seconds.
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I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet.
But only for about 30 seconds.
lol:
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I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet.
But only for about 30 seconds.
lol: lol: lol:
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They say so many people die because of alcohol...
Perhaps they never realised how many of them are born because of it.
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If there did happen to be another major terrorist attack on the anniversary of 9/11 - what would it be called?
9/11 2 - Return of the Jihadi?
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The wife came downstairs after having a bath and said . I have shaved my pussy . you know what that means'
I called a plumber .
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I was on a bus in Tottenham, there were loads of kids sat behind me . All I could hear was 'effin this' , effin that' , effin the other' ..
No they weren't swearing, they were discussing their exam results .
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What's the point of laptop speakers? Too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
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They say so many people die because of alcohol...
Perhaps they never realised how many of them are born because of it.
rubschin:
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I lost a good friend on September 11th. Cruelly taken from us at such a young age, his life extinguished by the actions of a greater evil force.
Anyway, it's his wedding anniversary today so I'd best get him a card.
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Rather than "Material for apc", should we name this thread "Material for Nick's Facebook"?
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redface:
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redface:
point: point: point:
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I think he should be paying me....... whistle:
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(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fr9.fodey.com%2F2175%2F018bcd776e3a4b87bd4f5ccf76b6b341.0.gif&hash=e253484f3afffc89338ee8157ee1b583660f51d0) (http://www.fodey.com/generators/animated/talking_owl.asp)
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redface:
point: point: point: point:
Wankah:
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I said to my girlfriend "get up to the bedroom right now" ooh kinky she said,no fuck off upstairs the footy is about to start.
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yesterday I was at traffic lights when a car full of Muslims pulled alongside. Seconds later there was this almighty crash and an HGV ploughed into the back of their car killing them all instantly. Shit I thought that could have been me, so tomorrow I am taking my HGV test tunble:
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yesterday I was at traffic lights when a car full of Muslims pulled alongside. Seconds later there was this almighty crash and an HGV ploughed into the back of their car killing them all instantly. Shit I thought that could have been me, so tomorrow I am taking my HGV test tunble:
lol: lol: lol:
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yesterday I was at traffic lights when a car full of Muslims pulled alongside. Seconds later there was this almighty crash and an HGV ploughed into the back of their car killing them all instantly. Shit I thought that could have been me, so tomorrow I am taking my HGV test tunble:
Oi affs ............but I do use it........... whistle:
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YOU. SMUG. BASTARD. lol:
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YOU. SMUG. BASTARD. lol:
oh yes ................ cloud9:.............minema here we come.......
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YOU. SMUG. BASTARD. lol:
oh yes ................ cloud9:.............minema here we come.......
Wot is it...?
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this one... Sanyo PROxtraX multiverse projector...
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs2.postimage.org%2Fjmw5xbz8%2F1proj.jpg&hash=e258c621e4921fdf33aca8757a7dcbb19329fe6d) (http://postimage.org/image/jmw5xbz8/)
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this one... Sanyo PROxtraX multiverse projector...
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs2.postimage.org%2Fjmw5xbz8%2F1proj.jpg&hash=e258c621e4921fdf33aca8757a7dcbb19329fe6d) (http://postimage.org/image/jmw5xbz8/)
A bargain then! :thumbsup:
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cloud9: and I sold the rest of stuff............ :thumbsup:
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cloud9: and I sold the rest of stuff............ :thumbsup:
Drinks on you! :thumbsup:
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Just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy raffle tickets for black orphans. I told him with my luck I’d probably win one.
Kate Middleton says to the Queen, “What’s the secret to a successful marriage?” Queen replies “Wear a seatbelt and don’t piss me off.”
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said “We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre.”
I went to audition for the part of the Artful Dodger in a production of Oliver Twist. When I found out I hadn’t got the role and had lost it to an Asian I went and asked the director what was wrong with my audition. “Nothing,” he said “but under our new equal rights policy we’ve got to pick a Paki or two.”
Just £3 will buy water and food for a family in Africa. But don’t let your heart rule your head. Morrisons are doing 4 Stella for £2-99.
100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought Britain should change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with the Giro.
Now Eddie Stobart’s dead they’ve found out that he was HGV positive.
The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries!
Today in an opinion poll I was asked ‘If you could eliminate a race from the 2012 Olympics, which would it be?’ Naturally I said ‘Niggers and guptas.’ Apparently most people said the 10,000 metres.
And my favourite two from the batch...
Now he’s dead, they’re making a film of Eddie Stobart’s life story. I’ve just seen the trailer.
Some bastard’s just pinched a pair of my wife’s knickers off the washing line. She’s not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.
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Following the riots in Tottenham, it's important to remind ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical thieves and arsonists. The vast majority are drug dealers and rapists.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of ram-a-dam
Ngogo Mwambi has to travel 5 miles every day for fresh water, 7 miles every day for food & 10 miles every day for medicine for him & his family. This is because the daft bastard and all his mates torched the Peckham Spar, Tottenham KFC and Hackney Medical Centre and now he has to walk to Croydon for his breakfast
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lol: lol: lol:
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omg, gorra spot on me forehead. I'll be opening a corner shop soon. whistle:
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Nearly got punched again tonight ......... rubschin:
I blame JOM..... noooo:
got a big group tomorrow ........keep em coming
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Nearly got punched again tonight ......... rubschin:
I blame JOM..... noooo:
got a big group tomorrow ........keep em coming
When can I come and see your show like...? Shrugs:
To check out me royalties.... whistle:
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Nearly got punched again tonight ......... rubschin:
I blame JOM..... noooo:
got a big group tomorrow ........keep em coming
Just remember that when you're up there receiving your award from Lenny Henry ( point: point: point: ) and thanking your family, your agent, all those special people (members of the VP ;) ) to give a special mention to JOM for all the material, and that despite it, you are still here to receive this award :thumbsup:
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Nearly got punched again tonight ......... rubschin:
I blame JOM..... noooo:
got a big group tomorrow ........keep em coming
Pray, do tell. How EXACTLY can you be 'NEARLY' punched ey?
Either you were or you wersen't ::)
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A bit like the ref I suppose
Referee Shows Off his Own Boxing Skills During a Fight (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWg1Q58UCwM#)
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I've just walked down the condiment aisle in Morrison's, and saw a fella dip his prick into a jar of mayonnaise. Straight away, I thought fucking Hellman
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Didn't want to believe the stories about my dad stealing from lollipop men, but when I went to see him all the signs were there.
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I've just walked down the condiment aisle in Morrison's, and saw a fella dip his prick into a jar of mayonnaise. Straight away, I thought fucking Hellman
;D ;D ;D
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Didn't want to believe the stories about my dad stealing from lollipop men, but when I went to see him all the signs were there.
drumroll:
lol: lol: lol:
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I asked my wife whether she thought her Mother would prefer Riverdance or something more Fred Astaire-ish.
She replied "I think she'd prefer it if you stayed off her grave full stop you sicko."
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I asked my wife whether she thought her Mother would prefer Riverdance or something more Fred Astaire-ish.
She replied "I think she'd prefer it if you stayed off her grave full stop you sicko."
lol: lol: lol:
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I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
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I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
drumroll:
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I love it when the wife puts on her nurse uniform .
It means she’s off to work , and I can get the mistress round .
7" , got a purple head , and my wife blows them for fun ?
Yes . It's a £20 note .
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Faster than light ? I didn't see that coming !
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7" , got a purple head , and my wife blows them for fun ?
Yes . It's a £20 note .
happy001
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So, Google has turned 13 today.
It's not the first time that a 13 year old has provided me with decent wanking material.
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So, Google has turned 13 today.
It's not the first time that a 13 year old has provided me with decent wanking material.
lol: lol: lol:
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So, Google has turned 13 today.
It's not the first time that a 13 year old has provided me with decent wanking material.
lol: lol: lol:
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After seeing the advert on TV last night featuring an African baby all covered in flies, I phoned the number on screen straight away to order one.
It looks like they work better than those sticky strips that you usually hang from the ceiling.
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After seeing the advert on TV last night featuring an African baby all covered in flies, I phoned the number on screen straight away to order one.
It looks like they work better than those sticky strips that you usually hang from the ceiling.
happy001
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Some African bloke knocked at my door holding a bucket this afternoon.
He handed it to me and said "Can you fill this up with water?"
I said "Blimey, how many miles have you just walked for this?"
He said "None you cheeky cunt, I'm the new window cleaner."
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Some African bloke knocked at my door holding a bucket this afternoon.
He handed it to me and said "Can you fill this up with water?"
I said "Blimey, how many miles have you just walked for this?"
He said "None you cheeky cunt, I'm the new window cleaner."
happy002
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So, Google has turned 13 today.
It's not the first time that a 13 year old has provided me with decent wanking material.
lol: lol: lol:
That got a good reaction tonight ,,,,,,,, :thumbsup:
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I recently got chatting to a lass on an internet dating site.
As I quite like a girl to be 'curvy', I was really looking forward to meeting her when she told me she was a size 16.......
......never realised until I met her that she was talking about her f*****g feet!!!! ;D
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tunble:
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A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He'll be so pissed if it's not ready on time."
When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf. She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it. "Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day?"
Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed!?
Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him!
We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the windowsill while he was licking his arse."
-
A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He'll be so pissed if it's not ready on time."
When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf. She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it. "Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day?"
Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed!?
Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him!
We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the windowsill while he was licking his arse."
lol: lol: lol:
-
Over five thousand years ago Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land."
Nearly 50 years ago, Harold Wilson said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land."
Then Gordon Brown stole your shovel, taxed your arses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land.
Now David Cameron has loaned my shovel to a third World country, (he hasn't realised yet that WE are now a third World country), raised my fuel bills, lent my money to a crowd of incompetent, greedy "merchant bankers" and increased VAT to 20%.
I am so depressed last night I called the Samaritans, they diverted my call to a call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited - and asked me if I could drive a truck.
-
AFFS! whistle:
-
Can we get the video ref to
ajew adju decide?
-
Can we get the video ref to ajew adju decide?
No need son... noooo:
http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=1930.msg35673#msg35673 (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=1930.msg35673#msg35673)
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.epltalk.com%2Fmedia%2F2009%2F03%2Fwebquest-soccer-red-card.jpg&hash=726c5fcdf3b6a56441ba17a338effa22a1c898fc)
-
Can we get the video ref to ajew adju decide?
Max Headroom ?
-
Can we get the video ref to ajew adju decide?
No need son... noooo:
http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=1930.msg35673#msg35673 (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=1930.msg35673#msg35673)
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.epltalk.com%2Fmedia%2F2009%2F03%2Fwebquest-soccer-red-card.jpg&hash=726c5fcdf3b6a56441ba17a338effa22a1c898fc)
That's only part of it though. Yellow card and ten minutes in the sin bin at most, or put it on report me thinks. I'll take me chance with the disciplinary committee :thumbsup:
-
Spank2:
-
Spank2:
The disciplinary committee has reached a decision! lol:
-
Do I have a choice of who administers it? (You and Nick are not on the shortlist.... or longlist for that matter
-
Do I have a choice of who administers it? (You and Nick are not on the shortlist.... or longlist for that matter
Growler...? rubschin:
-
Can we get the video ref to ajew adju decide?
Max Headroom ?
More likely his brother, Dick.
-
What do rape victims and windscreen wipers have in common?
When they're dry, they really fucking screech.
-
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand......
E - I - E - I - O.....
-
I hear the new Mrs McCartney is heir to a trucking fortune.
She'll have something in common with his daughters then whistle:
-
What do rape victims and windscreen wipers have in common?
When they're dry, they really fucking screech.
;D ;D ;D ;D
-
Paul McCartney has had his first row with his new wife. He has complained she is spending twice as much on shoes as his last one!!!
happy001
-
Paul McCartney has had his first row with his new wife. He has complained she is spending twice as much on shoes as his last one!!!
happy001
lol: lol: lol:
-
Paul McCartney has had his first row with his new wife. He has complained she is spending twice as much on shoes as his last one!!!
happy001
;D ;D ;D ;D
-
Paul McCartney's finding it hard to adapt to his new wife.
When she asks for a foot rub he still keeps reaching for the sandpaper.
-
Paul McCartney's finding it hard to adapt to his new wife.
When she asks for a foot rub he still keeps reaching for the sandpaper.
[groans]
Pulp Fiction - Foot Massage (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gf89-zpFmateQ#ws)
cloud9:
-
Apple and Blackberry crumble anybody ;D
-
Shamelessly robbed from "Today" on Radio 4 this morning. point:
-
Who shamelessly robbed it from Jamie Theakston who said it yesterday morning on Heart London.
-
Ah ~ Now that I woudn't know 'cos we get the Skallypool version of Heart up here. evil:
-
Shamelessly robbed from "Today" on Radio 4 this morning. point:
From Daybreak on TV
What's shameless Shrugs:
-
Ah ~ Now that I woudn't know 'cos we get the Skallypool version of Heart up here. evil:
http://youtu.be/STqHlzH-thM (http://youtu.be/STqHlzH-thM)
-
Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tonnes of heroin, £5 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth.
Local residents were stunned and a community spokesman said: "We're all shocked, we never knew we had a library."
19 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist attack; a bunk bed collapsed.
Police are attributing the blame to Al' IKEA.
Also up north a man decided to wash his sports shirt. He opens the washing machine then stops, thinking for a minute. He shouts to his missus, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replies. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yells back, "Manchester United.”
-
Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Lion matches,
his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy
-
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Lion matches,
his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
;D
-
Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.
lol: lol: lol:
-
The wimmins in 'ere will absolutely luuuurve these noooo: lol:
1 -How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
2 -What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
3 - Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..
4 - How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
5 - Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
6 - What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
7 - If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
8 - Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
9 - Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
10 - Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
11 - If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
12 - Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...
It's called a Wedding Cake.
OH HOW PIGGIN'TRUE is THAT ey? Banghead
13 - Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.
-
Every one of them true happy001
-
When Chris Eubank says "bithneth" that's when you know he really means business.
-
When Chris Eubank says "bithneth" that's when you know he really means business.
lol: lol: lol:
-
"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!"
"WHO ARE YA? WHO ARE YA?"
Can't help but feel Dad's a little insensitive about Nan's dementia.
-
;D
-
When Chris Eubank says "bithneth" that's when you know he really means business.
happy001
-
Prolly Affs, but what the hell
A fire destroyed a block of flats in Sarf london. A family of six benefit cheats lived on the first floor, all perished. An Islamic group of Pakistani fundamentalists lived on the second floor, all perished. Ten African asylum seekers lived on the third and fourth floor, all perished. One white couple lived in the penthouse, and they both survived
Relatives and assorted do-gooders demanded to know why it was only the white couple that survived... the fire chief quietly replied ... "they were both at work"
-
Affs cussing:
-
Well if it's old jokes you want
Abe, a Jewish tailor is reaching the end, his life is almost over and his family gather around his bedside for a last farewell.
"Joseph my eldest boy are you there?" the old man asks
"I'm here papa"
"And Morris my second son, are you there?"
"I'm here papa"
"And little Manny, my youngest son are you there?"
"I'm here papa"
And Old Abe raises himself on one elbow and says "My whole family is here ~ So who is vatching the shop?"
-
Well if it's old jokes you want
Is it time for my Abba joke like? ;D
-
Oh go on then .... if the urge is upon you. ::)
-
Oh go on then .... if the urge is upon you. ::)
Well...
Last night I dreamed I was making love to that blonde one out of Abba like.... eeek:
What a shame that it wasn't his lovely wife Agnetha.... evil:
happy001
-
AFFS
-
Banghead Banghead Banghead Banghead Banghead
At least once a year evil:
-
evil:
-
A good Samaritan is in a pub and sees an old man slip off a barstool onto the floor.
Going over to help him up, he finds the old chap just can't stand at all and just keeps sliding back to the floor.
He decides the best thing is to get him home, so after finding the address, half carries him several streets to his house, where he rings the bell and presents the slumped man to his wife.
"Thank you so much for helping him get home,
where's his wheelchair?"
-
AFFS!
-
AFFS!
You called...?
http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6605.msg169454#msg169454 (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6605.msg169454#msg169454)
-
AFFS!
You called...?
http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6605.msg169454#msg169454 (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6605.msg169454#msg169454)
One of the privileges of age is the right to repeat oneself without embarrassment.
-
AFFS!
One of the privileges of age is the right to repeat oneself without embarrassment.
-
AFFS!
You called...?
http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6605.msg169454#msg169454 (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6605.msg169454#msg169454)
One of the privileges of age is the right to repeat oneself without embarrassment.
You can say that again.
-
AFFS!
You called...?
http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6605.msg169454#msg169454 (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6605.msg169454#msg169454)
One of the privileges of age is the right to repeat oneself without embarrassment.
You can say that again.
:thumbsup:
drumroll:
-
doh:
-
Cole, Luiz, Essien, Ramires, Drogba, Mikel, Malouda, Bosingwa, Lukaku, Kalou, Sturridge, and Anelka...
Terry’s Chocolate Selection
-
Cole, Luiz, Essien, Ramires, Drogba, Mikel, Malouda, Bosingwa, Lukaku, Kalou, Sturridge, and Anelka...
Terry’s Chocolate Selection
happy002
Bastard! That's me new Lidl collapso all over the place! cussing:
-
But it's a football joke whacky115
You don't do footy , foot , football rubschin:
-
It's the way I tell 'em
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimage.org%2F6x4sdoa5d%2Ffrank_carson.jpg&hash=3ff2d5bd0491eb8dabac1899ce8fe25046800f43) (http://postimage.org/image/6x4sdoa5d/)
-
But it's a football joke whacky115
You don't do footy , foot , football rubschin:
I go that one tho! :thumbsup:
-
Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Robert Dyas's and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go.
While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught some beautiful bathroom taps. When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is those taps?"
The manager replied, "They're gold plated taps and the price is £500.00.
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, they're expensive taps -- certainly out of my price range.."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one. From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Madam, you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary shouted back, "No, but I will for the taps."
-
noooo:
-
"Good morning, Direct Line Insurance, can I help you?"
"Yes, I read somewhere that my policy covers me for in-car entertainment?"
"Absolutely sir. What is the problem?"
"A dead prostitute."
-
"Good morning, Direct Line Insurance, can I help you?"
"Yes, I read somewhere that my policy covers me for in-car entertainment?"
"Absolutely sir. What is the problem?"
"A dead prostitute."
lol: lol: lol:
-
Little Johnny’s teacher said, “If you have an apple, and when you get home your father gives you one… What have you got?”
Little Johnny said, “One apple and a sore arse, Miss.”
-
Little Johnny’s teacher said, “If you have an apple, and when you get home your father gives you one… What have you got?”
Little Johnny said, “One apple and a sore arse, Miss.”
Cox's rubschin:
-
Pssst, APC, over here...
When asked on Skysports about Walcott's goal, John Terry said, "the black c**t did well, I thought the wog fell, but the little monkey got up and ran through us like he was dodging spears in the jungle. You gotta give the rubber lipped cotton picking coon a bit of credit"
-
Pssst, APC, over here...
When asked on Skysports about Walcott's goal, John Terry said, "the black c**t did well, I thought the wog fell, but the little monkey got up and ran through us like he was dodging spears in the jungle. You gotta give the rubber lipped cotton picking coon a bit of credit"
lol: lol: lol:
-
So when Gary Barlow says Frankie Cocozza has been "really concentrating on his lines this week", it's not to do with his songs?
-
Police suspect foul play in the death of Joe Frazier. They are currently grilling George Foreman.
-
Police suspect foul play in the death of Joe Frazier. They are currently grilling George Foreman.
happy002
-
Police suspect foul play in the death of Joe Frazier. They are currently grilling George Foreman.
happy001
-
Teachers asks the class, "who said England Expects that every man will do his duty" and where was it said.
Little Leroy quickly shouts out "Admiral Nelson, Battle of Trafalgar"
As the teacher turns to the blackboard she says, "Well done Leroy" and Johnny at the backs shouts, "you f***ing jammy black c**t"
The teacher quickly turns around and says, "who said that", and Leroy answers, "John Terry, Loftus Road, London"
-
I don't know if I should laugh or shout AFFS! rubschin:
-
Last week my wife caught me in bed with Fatima Whitbread.
'It's not what it looks like', I pleaded.
'Well, what is it then?' she asked with a puzzled look on her face.
'A woman', I replied.
I woke up this morning, with the itchiest arse imaginable, and asked my wife what it was
"ringsting" she replied.
"Why?" I said "what's that pretentious Geordie git gonna know?"
-
Last week my wife caught me in bed with Fatima Whitbread.
'It's not what it looks like', I pleaded.
'Well, what is it then?' she asked with a puzzled look on her face.
'A woman', I replied.
I woke up this morning, with the itchiest arse imaginable, and asked my wife what it was
"ringsting" she replied.
"Why?" I said "what's that pretentious Geordie git gonna know?"
;D ;D :thumbsup:
-
Last week my wife caught me in bed with Fatima Whitbread.
'It's not what it looks like', I pleaded.
'Well, what is it then?' she asked with a puzzled look on her face.
'A woman', I replied.
I woke up this morning, with the itchiest arse imaginable, and asked my wife what it was
"ringsting" she replied.
"Why?" I said "what's that pretentious Geordie git gonna know?"
happy001
-
All these jokes about Fatima Whitbread have to stop. That's someone's son
-
All these jokes about Fatima Whitbread have to stop. That's someone's son
;D ;D ;D
-
What bounces and makes kids cry?
My donation cheque to Children in Need.
-
What bounces and makes kids cry?
My donation cheque to Children in Need.
;D ;D :thumbsup:
-
What bounces and makes kids cry?
My donation cheque to Children in Need.
lol: lol: lol:
-
My wife left me speechless today.
I hate looking after our mute son.
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
I was scared shitless when i went to visit the native american tribe.
They come up with the weirdest nicknames...
-
I was scared shitless when i went to visit the native american tribe.
They come up with the weirdest nicknames...
Better than Two Dogs Fucking... ;)
-
Just picked up a Jehovah's Witness Advent Calendar ..
... every time you open a door, someone tells you to feck off !
-
Just picked up a Jehovah's Witness Advent Calendar ..
... every time you open a door, someone tells you to feck off !
drumroll:
-
Just picked up a Jehovah's Witness Advent Calendar ..
... every time you open a door, someone tells you to feck off !
Another of Gary Delaney's. He was good on telly t'other night
Gary Delaney at Chortle Fast Fringe (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=621yDN0p5ag#)
-
'Hand me downs'.
Apparently not the nicest way to ask my wife to pass our disabled baby to me.
-
"Push harder" I shouted at my wife when she was in labour. "Piss off you a***hole!" she screamed back at me. Bit harsh I thought... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital.
Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week. I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a lifejacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted".
At Michael Jackson's trial Dr Conrad Murray stated that although Michael had got so thin that his pyjama tops were still adult size, he could squeeze into children's bottoms
-
Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week. I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a lifejacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted".
happy001
-
my wife slipped over in the bathroom last night and knocked herself out. As she lay there on the floor naked, pussy glinting in the light I thought ''this is my chance'' so I went to the pub
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
I was going down on my girlfriend earlier and the smell coming from her vagina made me gag.
I think it's time to bury her.
-
I was going down on my girlfriend earlier and the smell coming from her vagina made me gag.
I think it's time to bury her.
Eeewwwwwwwww! sick2:
-
Used a few on Weds ...........went down well (no pun )......... :thumbsup:
-
Pssst, APC, over here while nobody's listening
I remember when I was little, lying down with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.
Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and went. redface:
-
Pssst, APC, over here while nobody's listening
I remember when I was little, lying down with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.
Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and went. redface:
;D ;D ;D :thumbsup:
-
Pssst, APC, over here while nobody's listening
I remember when I was little, lying down with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.
Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and went. redface:
happy001
-
Pssst, APC, over here while nobody's listening
I remember when I was little, lying down with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.
Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and went. redface:
sick2:
-
I went to Ann Summers and splashed out on some new lingerie. Bastards made me pay for it!
-
I went to Ann Summers and splashed out on some new lingerie. Bastards made me pay for it!
happy001
sick2:
-
Mr Thread?
-
Mr Thread?
I think Mr. Thread and Mr. Gutter are already acquainted.... ::)
-
For reference the jehovah advent calender joke does down alot better than the Maddie one .. noooo:
-
Cheers for all the help ....had a good one last night ... :thumbsup: it does help when a bloke walks in wearing a homemade jumper with elbow patches on ......... noooo:
-
BM finally made it then :thumbsup:
-
BM finally made it then :thumbsup:
;D ;D ;D
-
evil:
-
The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist twats. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, "Where is Pakistan?" He replies "Outside playing with Paki-Dave".
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat.
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
What bounces and makes kids cry?
My donation cheque to Children in Need.
lol: lol:
-
What has glasses and ruins your life?
The bar I met the missus in.
-
A friend sent me a text message last night. Just the one word: Gnab.
I reckon that's bang out of order.
-
Bob Holness hasn't been in Heaven two minutes and already Amy Winehouse is pestering him with "Can I have an E please Bob?"
-
Bob Holness hasn't been in Heaven two minutes and already Amy Winehouse is pestering him with "Can I have an E please Bob?"
happy001
-
Here you go, see how many of these are "Affs!"
Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy
I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names
at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to'
I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'
" A guy was waiting for his wife to cook his breakfast when he heard a thud, he rushed into the kitchen and found
her dead on the floor. He panicked for a moment and didn't know what to do, then he remembered Harvesters do an all day breakfast for £3.50"
-
Ref the PIP implants ... If there are any ladies out there that want their breasts looking at then I am available to carry out such checks free of charge and willing to travel to do so .
I have no medical qualifications , but I do know a good pair when I see them :thumbsup:
-
Here you go, see how many of these are "Affs!"
Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy
I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names
at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to'
I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'
" A guy was waiting for his wife to cook his breakfast when he heard a thud, he rushed into the kitchen and found
her dead on the floor. He panicked for a moment and didn't know what to do, then he remembered Harvesters do an all day breakfast for £3.50"
AFFS! lol: lol: lol:
-
I feel sorry for the hypnotist we had on last night. He hypnotised 7 guys then dropped the mike on his left foot and yelled, "Fuck me."
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
-
I feel sorry for the hypnotist we had on last night. He hypnotised 7 guys then dropped the mike on his left foot and yelled, "Fuck me."
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
lol: lol: lol:
-
After my girlfriend left, I was sad, upset and lonely. Since then I've got a dog, bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drink and drugs. She'll go mental when she gets home from work..
-
After my girlfriend left, I was sad, upset and lonely. Since then I've got a dog, bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drink and drugs. She'll go mental when she gets home from work..
happy001
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A man is out walking his dog beside a lake when he suddenly sees a woman just managing to keep her head above water, but then slowly sink. He dives in, grabs the woman and pulls her to the edge of the lake. He places her on her back, raises her arms and starts making pumping movements. Each time he pumps, a thick jet of water shoots out of her mouth.
In the meantime, a cyclist has stopped and is watching the events, shaking his head. The man keeps pumping, but each time a thick jet of water still shoots out of her mouth. The cyclist just shakes his head and says, “That’s never going to work.”
“Shut up! I know what I’m doing, I’m a doctor.”
“Well,” says the cyclist, “I’m an engineer and I’m telling you if you don’t take her arse out of the water you’ll pump the fucking lake dry.”
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A man is out walking his dog beside a lake when he suddenly sees a woman just managing to keep her head above water, but then slowly sink. He dives in, grabs the woman and pulls her to the edge of the lake. He places her on her back, raises her arms and starts making pumping movements. Each time he pumps, a thick jet of water shoots out of her mouth.
In the meantime, a cyclist has stopped and is watching the events, shaking his head. The man keeps pumping, but each time a thick jet of water still shoots out of her mouth. The cyclist just shakes his head and says, “That’s never going to work.”
“Shut up! I know what I’m doing, I’m a doctor.”
“Well,” says the cyclist, “I’m an engineer and I’m telling you if you don’t take her arse out of the water you’ll pump the fucking lake dry.”
Arse you say?
Your Rag magazine must have been more up-market than mine.
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A man is out walking his dog beside a lake when he suddenly sees a woman just managing to keep her head above water, but then slowly sink. He dives in, grabs the woman and pulls her to the edge of the lake. He places her on her back, raises her arms and starts making pumping movements. Each time he pumps, a thick jet of water shoots out of her mouth.
In the meantime, a cyclist has stopped and is watching the events, shaking his head. The man keeps pumping, but each time a thick jet of water still shoots out of her mouth. The cyclist just shakes his head and says, “That’s never going to work.”
“Shut up! I know what I’m doing, I’m a doctor.”
“Well,” says the cyclist, “I’m an engineer and I’m telling you if you don’t take her arse out of the water you’ll pump the fucking lake dry.”
Arse you say?
Your Rag magazine must have been more up-market than mine.
lol: lol: lol:
I think it is an AFFS moment anyway.... whistle:
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Need some more ........... :thumbsup:...........bm will pay..... whistle:
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Miss D - "My local gym have an offer on at the moment. Pay for a one-to-one with a fitness instructor and get a free protein drink.
Well I'm not falling for that one again!" sick2:
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lol:
Maxibone ?
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:thumbsup: :thumbsup:and stop speaking with yer mouth full
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Miss D - "My local gym have an offer on at the moment. Pay for a one-to-one with a fitness instructor and get a free protein drink.
Well I'm not falling for that one again!" sick2:
lol: lol: lol:
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I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was, stood beside me. I gave her a cheeky wink and said, "Get that trolley over here love, they're doing 3 cases of Stella for the price of 2."
I just put child locks on all my cabinets, bins and cupboards. Now let's see those kids get out of there.
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I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was, stood beside me. I gave her a cheeky wink and said, "Get that trolley over here love, they're doing 3 cases of Stella for the price of 2."
I just put child locks on all my cabinets, bins and cupboards. Now let's see those kids get out of there.
;D ;D
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I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was, stood beside me. I gave her a cheeky wink and said, "Get that trolley over here love, they're doing 3 cases of Stella for the price of 2."
happy001
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My Nan walked in on me and caught me having a wank and was so shocked she had a stroke...
Surprisingly soft hands for a pensioner redface:
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The Met office said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets or sleeping bag, extra clothing including a scarf hat and gloves. 24 hour supply of food and drink de-icer, rock salt, torch, spare batteries. Safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can, first aid kit, jump leads....
I looked a right idiot on the bus this morning!!!!
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The Met office said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets or sleeping bag, extra clothing including a scarf hat and gloves. 24 hour supply of food and drink de-icer, rock salt, torch, spare batteries. Safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can, first aid kit, jump leads....
I looked a right idiot on the bus this morning!!!!
;D ;D :thumbsup:
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My Nan walked in on me and caught me having a wank and was so shocked she had a stroke...
Surprisingly soft hands for a pensioner redface:
Eeeewwww! sick2:
lol: lol: lol:
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A young woman brings a very young and skinny baby to the doctor's office. She explained, "The baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week." She was told to go into an examination room and wait for the doctor.
He comes in and examines the baby, then asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
"Breast fed." she says.
"Well, strip down to your waist." he orders. She does. He squeezes both breasts, massages them, pinches both nipples, and then began powerfully sucking on one nipple. Finally he announces, "No wonder this baby is hungry, you don't have any milk." "Naturally," she says, "I'm his aunt, but I sure am glad I came in today."
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A man goes to see the doctor and says Ive got a problem with my prick doc, its gone orange.
"OK" says the doc, "drop um and let me have a look.... well I see what you mean" says the doc, "what do you do for a living" "Nothing" says the man, "I just sit at home all day watching porno movies and eating WOTSITS"
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noooo:
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Writing a new set ...........got offered a regular gig ..........but can do what I want .....no dumbing down ....... :thumbsup:
been watching Steve Hughes and louis ck...... ;D
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What do we want ?
A cure for tourettes
when do we want it ?
Bastard
"What do we want"!
"More Irish Accents"!
"When do we want them"?
"Noiw"
Big fight at a gypsy wedding in Ireland. Goes to court and the judge says "Can anyone explain what happened?"
Paddy says "I can, I was the best man and I was dancing with the bride. We were dancing quite close when the groom stormed up and kicked the bride in the fanny".
"I see," says the judge. "That must have hurt."
"Bloody right" says Paddy, ". . he broke 3 of my fingers".
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What's pink and sits on the doormat?
Whitney Houston's Valentines cards redface:
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What do we want ?
A cure for tourettes
when do we want it ?
Bastard
"What do we want"!
"More Irish Accents"!
"When do we want them"?
"Noiw"
Big fight at a gypsy wedding in Ireland. Goes to court and the judge says "Can anyone explain what happened?"
Paddy says "I can, I was the best man and I was dancing with the bride. We were dancing quite close when the groom stormed up and kicked the bride in the fanny".
"I see," says the judge. "That must have hurt."
"Bloody right" says Paddy, ". . he broke 3 of my fingers".
lol: lol: lol:
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What's pink and sits on the doormat?
Whitney Houston's Valentines cards redface:
happy001
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What's 6 inches and won't get sucked this Valentines day?
Whitney's crack pipe.
redface:
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What's 6 inches and won't get sucked this Valentines day?
Whitney's crack pipe.
redface:
:thumbsup:
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I walked in with 5 bunches of flowers for my wife today.
"Happy Valentines day, babe!" I smiled.
"Oh my god, theyre gorgeous!!" she burst out with delight. "Where did you get them from?"
"Down the street," I winked.
"From that posh florist?" she asked.
"No," I replied. "From the lampost where that kid got ran over yesterday."
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I walked in with 5 bunches of flowers for my wife today.
"Happy Valentines day, babe!" I smiled.
"Oh my god, theyre gorgeous!!" she burst out with delight. "Where did you get them from?"
"Down the street," I winked.
"From that posh florist?" she asked.
"No," I replied. "From the lampost where that kid got ran over yesterday."
happy001
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Roger left for work on Friday morning. Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet.
Finally, Roger appeared at home on Sunday night, and obviously he was confronted by his angry wife, Martha who castigated Roger for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, Martha stopped the nagging and said to Roger, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?'
Roger replied grimly, 'That would be fine with me.'
Monday went by and he didn't see his Martha. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
By the Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough so that Roger he could see Martha a little out of the corner of his left eye
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I wasn't concentrating while driving this morning and crashed into a 'Stop' sign. I got out of the car to check the damage. The sign was slightly bent and there was a small scratch on my bumper. Both could be repaired cheaply, so that wasn't too bad.
It wasn't all good news, though. I could tell from the kids' screams that the lollipop man was pretty badly hurt
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Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye."What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day." replied Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see" said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"
Roy replied: "Wrong room."
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I wasn't concentrating while driving this morning and crashed into a 'Stop' sign. I got out of the car to check the damage. The sign was slightly bent and there was a small scratch on my bumper. Both could be repaired cheaply, so that wasn't too bad.
It wasn't all good news, though. I could tell from the kids' screams that the lollipop man was pretty badly hurt
happy001
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After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do." said the old man. "After my wife and I have s ex, I'm usually cold and chilly and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."
When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said, "Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her, "Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?"
"Oh, the silly old bugger" she replied, "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."
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Teacher asks Billy; "If you have five sweets and Mohammed asks for one, how many will you have left?"
Billy; "Five"
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when You're drunk"
Husband says "thats not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"
My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird.
I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse.
I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.
Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya .They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement......it was a mortar attack.
The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . .
"What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut it up and go to sleep!"
A Geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in japan
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, " Newcastle "
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this place!"
Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist,
a twisted ankle and grazed knees,
Apparently she'd stood him up.
Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship...
she replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"
A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says" I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
The woman says "Sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue" he says" But whenever I talk to a beautiful woman with tits like yours she appears out of nowhere!"
(that's actually not a bad chat up line) redface:
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!
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;D ;D :thumbsup:
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Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist,
a twisted ankle and grazed knees,
Apparently she'd stood him up.
happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
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Offended everyone tonight .......................not my kind of crowd ..........at the end had a few fans .........the Whitney /coroner joke ..........was not a good one .. noooo:...........feck em they will all be text tomorrow .....
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A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That’s a good piece of fir." "Correct,” says the manager, “now try this one." "That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused,” says the blind man, “Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the shit house door off a tuna boat!"
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
redface: redface: redface:
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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
redface: redface: redface:
happy001
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Two nuns were riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome when the first nun says "I've never come this way before." The second nun replied "It's the cobblestones."
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(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs9.postimage.org%2Ficlxqlqaj%2Fkfc.jpg&hash=7700db14bfe5fe76e14a6be159e9c00de197fcc5) (http://postimage.org/image/iclxqlqaj/)
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(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs9.postimage.org%2Ficlxqlqaj%2Fkfc.jpg&hash=7700db14bfe5fe76e14a6be159e9c00de197fcc5) (http://postimage.org/image/iclxqlqaj/)
lol: lol: lol:
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Even if you're not catholic, this is funny :-
THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A YANKEE BASEBALL GAME.
THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND. BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS, HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED and MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA.
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID,
"I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH ... ONLY 100 NUNS LIVE THERE."
THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID,
"I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA . ONLY 5O NUNS LIVE THERE."
THE THIRD GUY SAID,
"I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO. ONLY 25 NUNS LIVE THERE."
THE MOTHER SUPERIOR TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,
"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL... THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE!"
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Never introduce something as 'funny'.... noooo:
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I said to my wife, "Your short pants really turn me on, Love."
"It's an asthma attack, you sick bastard!" her sister shouted.
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lol: lol: lol:
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I'm not saying my wife is a slag but even the labels in her knickers say Next!
My wife's been complaining for hours about toothache. She's been going on and on about the pain, and how much she's afraid of the dentist. I'd had enough, so I got a pair of pliers, stood on her forehead and yanked it out.
Let's see how much moaning she can do without a tongue!
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I'm not saying my wife is a slag but even the labels in her knickers say Next!
My wife's been complaining for hours about toothache. She's been going on and on about the pain, and how much she's afraid of the dentist. I'd had enough, so I got a pair of pliers, stood on her forehead and yanked it out.
Let's see how much moaning she can do without a tongue!
happy002
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It was my girl's big day and everyone was tense, so I decided to use humour as I addressed the reception:
"I don't feel like I'm losing a daughter" I said, looking towards her fiancé, "But like I'm gaining a spare room".
No one laughed.
It was probably the poor acoustics in the crematorium.
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It was my girl's big day and everyone was tense, so I decided to use humour as I addressed the reception:
"I don't feel like I'm losing a daughter" I said, looking towards her fiancé, "But like I'm gaining a spare room".
No one laughed.
It was probably the poor acoustics in the crematorium.
happy001
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Meryl Streeps new movie is missing a few letters, like "ING"
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Meryl Streeps new movie is missing a few letters, like "ING"
tunble:
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Meryl Streeps new movie is missing a few letters, like "ING"
tunble:
Too early in the moning, eh, BM?
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Meryl Streeps new movie is missing a few letters, like "ING"
tunble:
Too early in the moning, eh, BM?
For you! lol:
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After year's of trying to find the wifes G spot, I found it at last (Her sister had it all along) ...!!!
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After year's of trying to find the wifes G spot, I found it at last (Her sister had it all along) ...!!!
lol: lol: lol:
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scientists discovered that most women will, at some point in their lives contain intelligent DNA.............
unfortunately 95% of them will spit it out!
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scared:
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VP Scientists have discovered that beer contains female hormones.
To prove this they gave BM, TMR and APC 12 pints of best...
Suddenly they began to talk shite, gained weight and couldn't drive... happy002 happy002
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Had sex last night with a girl who had eczema, cracking fanny
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:sick016:
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My Mum always used to say that if you don't have anything nice to say about somebody, then you shouldn't say anything at all. Well, I think Adolf Hitler was always very nicely turned out, Peter Sutcliffe always kept his beard nice and tidy; and Pol Pot was very nice to his mum.
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My Mum always used to say that if you don't have anything nice to say about somebody, then you shouldn't say anything at all. Well, I think Adolf Hitler was always very nicely turned out, Peter Sutcliffe always kept his beard nice and tidy; and Pol Pot was very nice to his mum.
lol: lol: lol:
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Tom buys a Harley Davidson. The seller tells him, "Whenever it's going to rain, rub vaseline on the chrome so it won't rust.
"That night, his girlfriend takes him to meet her parents. But just before they go in she says, "I have to tell you, when we eat, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner, has to do the dishes."
They sit down and no one says a word. As dinner goes on, Tom decides to test the situation. So he reaches over and grabs her tits. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, rips her clothes off and screws her right there, in front of her parents. But no one says a word.
So he grabs the mum, bends her over the table and nails her, then sits down. But still, silence.
All of a sudden there's a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Tom remembers his bike, so he pulls out the vaseline. The dad jumps up and says, "For fuck sake, i'll do the dishes."
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Tom buys a Harley Davidson. The seller tells him, "Whenever it's going to rain, rub vaseline on the chrome so it won't rust.
"That night, his girlfriend takes him to meet her parents. But just before they go in she says, "I have to tell you, when we eat, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner, has to do the dishes."
They sit down and no one says a word. As dinner goes on, Tom decides to test the situation. So he reaches over and grabs her tits. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, rips her clothes off and screws her right there, in front of her parents. But no one says a word.
So he grabs the mum, bends her over the table and nails her, then sits down. But still, silence.
All of a sudden there's a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Tom remembers his bike, so he pulls out the vaseline. The dad jumps up and says, "For fuck sake, i'll do the dishes."
AFFFS! lol: lol: lol:
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My Mum always used to say that if you don't have anything nice to say about somebody, then you shouldn't say anything at all. Well, I think Adolf Hitler was always very nicely turned out, Peter Sutcliffe always kept his beard nice and tidy; and Pol Pot was very nice to his mum.
:thumbsup:
and Ian Huntley was a good football supporter .........
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Tom buys a Harley Davidson. The seller tells him, "Whenever it's going to rain, rub vaseline on the chrome so it won't rust.
"That night, his girlfriend takes him to meet her parents. But just before they go in she says, "I have to tell you, when we eat, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner, has to do the dishes."
They sit down and no one says a word. As dinner goes on, Tom decides to test the situation. So he reaches over and grabs her tits. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, rips her clothes off and screws her right there, in front of her parents. But no one says a word.
So he grabs the mum, bends her over the table and nails her, then sits down. But still, silence.
All of a sudden there's a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Tom remembers his bike, so he pulls out the vaseline. The dad jumps up and says, "For fuck sake, i'll do the dishes."
AFFFS! lol: lol: lol:
It doesn't count if you put too many f's in it point:
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Tom buys a Harley Davidson. The seller tells him, "Whenever it's going to rain, rub vaseline on the chrome so it won't rust.
"That night, his girlfriend takes him to meet her parents. But just before they go in she says, "I have to tell you, when we eat, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner, has to do the dishes."
They sit down and no one says a word. As dinner goes on, Tom decides to test the situation. So he reaches over and grabs her tits. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, rips her clothes off and screws her right there, in front of her parents. But no one says a word.
So he grabs the mum, bends her over the table and nails her, then sits down. But still, silence.
All of a sudden there's a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Tom remembers his bike, so he pulls out the vaseline. The dad jumps up and says, "For fuck sake, i'll do the dishes."
AFFFS! lol: lol: lol:
It doesn't count if you put too many f's in it point:
doh:
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Tom buys a Harley Davidson. The seller tells him, "Whenever it's going to rain, rub vaseline on the chrome so it won't rust.
"That night, his girlfriend takes him to meet her parents. But just before they go in she says, "I have to tell you, when we eat, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner, has to do the dishes."
They sit down and no one says a word. As dinner goes on, Tom decides to test the situation. So he reaches over and grabs her tits. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, rips her clothes off and screws her right there, in front of her parents. But no one says a word.
So he grabs the mum, bends her over the table and nails her, then sits down. But still, silence.
All of a sudden there's a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Tom remembers his bike, so he pulls out the vaseline. The dad jumps up and says, "For fuck sake, i'll do the dishes."
AFFFS! lol: lol: lol:
It doesn't count if you put too many f's in it point:
I get told off the too many Fs too........ redface:
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Had a guy come back on holiday to find me .......... :thumbsup:.........he still remembers the Andres joke ........... redface:
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Stalker alert, or sueing you for physcological damage rubschin:
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My doctor was checking my balls for any lumps the other day.
It got awkward when I ran my fingers through his hair.
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My doctor was checking my balls for any lumps the other day.
It got awkward when I ran my fingers through his hair.
lol: lol:
AFFS I think...? rubschin:
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HELP. . .
does anyone know how to cancel an eBay bid?
I made an offer for a Mickey Mouse outfit and now I'm 6 minutes away from owning Liverpool Football Club!
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HELP. . .
does anyone know how to cancel an eBay bid?
I made an offer for a Mickey Mouse outfit and now I'm 6 minutes away from owning Liverpool Football Club!
:thumbsup: and I can use any team.......... 8)
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I came home from work early today and caught my daughter masturbating with a cucumber.
"That's disgusting" I said, "I'm meant to be eating that tonight,
now it's going to taste like salad."
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Tuna salad?
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I came home from work early today and caught my daughter masturbating with a cucumber.
"That's disgusting" I said, "I'm meant to be eating that tonight,
now it's going to taste like salad."
lol: lol: lol:
Although for me it is funnier if she says "Now it's going to taste like cucumber."
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I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
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I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
AFFS! whistle:
http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6101.msg224109#msg224109 (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6101.msg224109#msg224109)
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doh:
-
noooo:
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Did you know:
That the words "race car" spelled backwards still spells "race car"?
That "eat" is the only word that, if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, spells its past tense, "ate"?
And if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, violent, non-English-speaking assholes, and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, Camel-riding, goat-loving, raggedy-arsed bastards with you?
How weird is that?
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lol: lol: lol:
-
Did you know:
That the words "race car" spelled backwards still spells "race car"?
That "eat" is the only word that, if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, spells its past tense, "ate"?
And if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, violent, non-English-speaking assholes, and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, Camel-riding, goat-loving, raggedy-arsed bastards with you?
How weird is that?
:thumbsup:
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I don't know why Christians think that it's acceptable to eat hot cross buns to commemorate the death of Jesus.......
I mean, you wouldn't eat rock cakes to commemorate the death of Jamie Bulger......... redface: redface:
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AFFS! lol: lol: lol:
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Always like to nail my jokes this time of year..........
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Always like to nail my jokes this time of year..........
drumroll:
-
This guy from over the road was talking to me earlier. "My wife's just told me that she's been having an affair with Dave the milkman," he confided.
"What? that fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"
"Yes," he laughed, cheering up.
"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"
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happy001
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The Mrs said I make love like a painter.
I replied "what, like Da Vinci, smooth strokes, attention to detail resulting in a masterpiece?
She said, "no like the council, rush the job leave a Fucking mess and I have to finish myself"
"Jesus loves you." A nice gesture in church... horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
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The Mrs said I make love like a painter.
I replied "what, like Da Vinci, smooth strokes, attention to detail resulting in a masterpiece?
She said, "no like the council, rush the job leave a Fucking mess and I have to finish myself"
"Jesus loves you." A nice gesture in church... horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
;D ;D ;D
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The Mrs said I make love like a painter.
I replied "what, like Da Vinci, smooth strokes, attention to detail resulting in a masterpiece?
She said, "no like the council, rush the job leave a Fucking mess and I have to finish myself"
happy001
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The wife was thrilled by an e-mail this morning from eBay to tell her she was allowed free insertions all weekend.
Imagine her disappointment when I explained.
-
The wife was thrilled by an e-mail this morning from eBay to tell her she was allowed free insertions all weekend.
Imagine her disappointment when I explained.
;D ;D ;D
-
The wife was thrilled by an e-mail this morning from eBay to tell her she was allowed free insertions all weekend.
Imagine her disappointment when I explained.
lol: lol: lol: lol:
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Top tip ...........when you ask if any one has seen the new Maddie pics............don't say well she does look quite fit now........... redface:
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Paddy and Murphy are in the pub, Paddy turns to Murphy "What ringtone you got"
Murphy replies "Don't know, brownish I guess"
redface:
-
Paddy and Murphy are in the pub, Paddy turns to Murphy "What ringtone you got"
Murphy replies "Don't know, brownish I guess"
redface:
Affs!
-
Paddy and Murphy are in the pub, Paddy turns to Murphy "What ringtone you got"
Murphy replies "Don't know, brownish I guess"
redface:
Affs!
Correct! Thumbs:
http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6101.msg350650#msg350650 (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6101.msg350650#msg350650)
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Paddy and Murphy are in the pub, Paddy turns to Murphy "What ringtone you got"
Murphy replies "Don't know, brownish I guess"
redface:
Affs!
Correct! Thumbs:
http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6101.msg350650#msg350650 (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6101.msg350650#msg350650)
Double Affs!!
http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6101.msg297737#msg297737 (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6101.msg297737#msg297737)
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Double six :thumbsup:
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I asked the assistant in JJB Sports what a cricket box was. Apparently it's a piece of cheap plastic which men put their genitals in.
So, a bit like Katie Price then.
As I answered the front door dressed in high heels, stockings & suspenders, leather mini skirt and bright red lipstick, the Avon lady asked "Hello Sir, is your wife at home"? To which I replied "Take a wild fucking guess love"!
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I asked the assistant in JJB Sports what a cricket box was. Apparently it's a piece of cheap plastic which men put their genitals in.
So, a bit like Katie Price then.
As I answered the front door dressed in high heels, stockings & suspenders, leather mini skirt and bright red lipstick, the Avon lady asked "Hello Sir, is your wife at home"? To which I replied "Take a wild fucking guess love"!
Happy001 happy001
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Went out on the bike earlier this evening and had a ride around the farm; was absolutley knackered when I got back. I asked the Mrs for some ice cream she said, "what flavour".
I replied, "I don't care, it's for my arse.
Tough day today, big run this morning, 3 games of football and cycling this afternoon. My missus said sky sports has to go!
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Went out on the bike earlier this evening and had a ride around the farm; was absolutley knackered when I got back. I asked the Mrs for some ice cream she said, "what flavour".
I replied, "I don't care, it's for my arse.
Tough day today, big run this morning, 3 games of football and cycling this afternoon. My missus said sky sports has to go!
lol: lol: lol:
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Paddy and Murphy are in the pub, Paddy turns to Murphy "What ringtone you got"
Murphy replies "Don't know, brownish I guess"
redface:
Affs!
Correct! Thumbs:
http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6101.msg350650#msg350650 (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6101.msg350650#msg350650)
Double Affs!!
http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6101.msg297737#msg297737 (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6101.msg297737#msg297737)
Only a double Affs? Bugger, that was one of Dad's jokes so I was expecting at least a triple. Maybe he has a new joke book. rubschin:
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Double six :thumbsup:
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I came home from the pub 4 hours late last night.
"Where the fuck have you been?" screamed my wife.
I said, "I've been playing poker with some blokes."
"Playing poker with some blokes?" she repeated. "Well, you can pack your bags and go!"
"So can you" I said, "This isn't our house anymore."
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lol: lol: lol:
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[Serious] I can remember a similar scenario years ago. Tosh...don't ask...Indian guy, owner of the Taj Mahal, the best sit down and takeaway in town, (who used to give us credit until pay day) actually lost the place on the turn of a card. Malaka... noooo: Wiped the slate clean tho...[Serious]
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[Serious] I can remember a similar scenario years ago. Tosh...don't ask...Indian guy, owner of the Taj Mahal, the best sit down and takeaway in town, (who used to give us credit until pay day) actually lost the place on the turn of a card. Malaka... noooo: Wiped the slate clean tho...[Serious]
You have to finish [Serious] with a forward slash like this >>> [/Serious] ::)
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Being told that they had discovered a cure for dyslexia was like music to my arse.
lol:
-
Blonde text's her husband one winter morning 'windows frozen, will not open'
Husband text's back 'pour some luke warm water over it'
10 minutes later blonde text's back 'think the computer is really fucked now"
-
Being told that they had discovered a cure for dyslexia was like music to my arse.
lol:
Wine mets keyboard .......... ;D ;D ;D ;D :thumbsup:
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The BBC have just announced that they are not going to show the full funeral of Vidal Sasoon, but will show the highlights redface:
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The BBC have just announced that they are not going to show the full funeral of Vidal Sasoon, but will show the highlights redface:
drumroll:
-
Being told that they had discovered a cure for dyslexia was like music to my arse.
lol:
happy001
-
"Injury lawyers 4 U" are a load of shit .
When our neighbours 15 yr old daughter cut herself climbing our fence they told me to email a picture of her gash to them .
Guess who is in court tomorrow ?
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"Injury lawyers 4 U" are a load of shit .
When our neighbours 15 yr old daughter cut herself climbing our fence they told me to email a picture of her gash to them .
Guess who is in court tomorrow ?
lol: lol: lol:
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I have a real habit of acting out the names of any towns that I visit.
For example, when I went to Poole, I went swimming.
When I went to Rugby, I played Rugby.
When I went to Bath, I took a bath.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I need bailing out of Blackburn police station.
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;) redface:
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I have a real habit of acting out the names of any towns that I visit.
For example, when I went to Poole, I went swimming.
When I went to Rugby, I played Rugby.
When I went to Bath, I took a bath.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I need bailing out of Blackburn police station.
lol: lol: lol:
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I have a real habit of acting out the names of any towns that I visit.
For example, when I went to Poole, I went swimming.
When I went to Rugby, I played Rugby.
When I went to Bath, I took a bath.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I need bailing out of Blackburn police station.
lol: lol: lol:
FFS Don't visit Cockermouth!!!! whistle:
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happy001
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Here is something for apc!
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fshop.syntech.co.nz%2Fcatalog%2Fimages%2Fcatimg%2Fimg180.jpg&hash=ab8774673ee71ea90e07f9382a4b7355c6732cb1)
happy001
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My dyslexic girlfriend sent me a text saying she loved anal. My excitement disappeared when I got to her house and found she'd run off with my best friend Alan
Kenny Dalgliesh starts a new job next week for $ky TV. After a days training he puts his first dish up on Tuesday
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My dyslexic girlfriend sent me a text saying she loved anal. My excitement disappeared when I got to her house and found she'd run off with my best friend Alan
happy001
-
I thought I heard the ghost of Robin Gibb in my herb garden, but when I went to check it was just the chive talking redface:
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I thought I heard the ghost of Robin Gibb in my herb garden, but when I went to check it was just the chive talking redface:
;D ;D
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I thought I heard the ghost of Robin Gibb in my herb garden, but when I went to check it was just the chive talking redface:
lol: lol: lol:
-
My mate called me today and said, "I've just had a huge fight with the wife. Have you got a spare bed for a few weeks until I find a flat?"
"I'm afraid not," I replied, "but I've got a sofa, if that's any good."
"Perfect," he said. "You're an absolute legend! I'll send her round in a bit." lol:
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lol: lol: lol:
-
lol: lol:
-
If you leave a dog in a car in this weather, with no water or ventilation, it could be dead in fifteen minutes
Leave the heater on as well, wait another thirty minutes and the meat just falls off the bone.
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If you leave a dog in a car in this weather, with no water or ventilation, it could be dead in fifteen minutes
Leave the heater on as well, wait another thirty minutes and the meat just falls off the bone.
lol: lol: lol:
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I'm about to take part in the Great Bradford Run. It's not an official race! I just stand in the City Centre and shout "Allah is wanker" & off we go.....
Saw a Muslim with three lions on his chest today........ I fucking love Knowsley safari park!!
The England team visited an orphanage in Poland today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope" said Igor, aged 6.
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I'm about to take part in the Great Bradford Run. It's not an official race! I just stand in the City Centre and shout "Allah is wanker" & off we go.....
Saw a Muslim with three lions on his chest today........ I fucking love Knowsley safari park!!
The England team visited an orphanage in Poland today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope" said Igor, aged 6.
happy001
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A Geordie lad gets off with a Sheffield lass. He drops his pants, gets his cock out and the lass says: "Bye eck, that's a gud un". He says: "What's a gud un?" She replys: "It means a big one".
She drops her knickers and he says: "Bye eck, that's a canny un".
She says: "What's a canny un?"
He replies: "A fucking big valley that cowboys ride through".
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A Geordie lad gets off with a Sheffield lass. He drops his pants, gets his cock out and the lass says: "Bye eck, that's a gud un". He says: "What's a gud un?" She replys: "It means a big one".
She drops her knickers and he says: "Bye eck, that's a canny un".
She says: "What's a canny un?"
He replies: "A fucking big valley that cowboys ride through".
lol: lol: lol:
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Following a sexist joke I made the other day, the Feminist Society now has my address. Fortunately none of them can read a map!
-
Following a sexist joke I made the other day, the Feminist Society now has my address. Fortunately none of them can read a map!
happy001
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When I found out they had found a cure for dyslexia, I couldn't believe my arse !
-
When I found out they had found a cure for dyslexia, I couldn't believe my arse !
could be an affs ....... rubschin:
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When I found out they had found a cure for dyslexia, I couldn't believe my arse !
could be an affs ....... rubschin:
Overruled.... point:
-
When I found out they had found a cure for dyslexia, I couldn't believe my arse !
lol: lol: lol:
-
AFFS cussing:
-
BONG!
-
AFFS cussing:
-
AFFS cussing:
AFFS! cussing:
-
My girlfriend just said " Can you explain to me why I've just found a pair of knickers in your coat pocket"
I said "Yes it's because you're a nosey c***"
-
My girlfriend just said " Can you explain to me why I've just found a pair of knickers in your coat pocket"
I said "Yes it's because you're a nosey c***"
lol: lol: lol:
-
My girlfriend just said " Can you explain to me why I've just found a pair of knickers in your coat pocket"
I said "Yes it's because you're a nosey c***"
lol: lol: lol:
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A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sSporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give Life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get tThe hell out of here!'
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
I was in a pub and this little Chinese guy comes in & stands next to me. After about 5 mins, I said to him, do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu.
He says, No, why a fluck you ask me dat. It coz I Chinee?
No, I said. Its cos ur drinking my beer, you slanty-eyed little bastard
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lol: lol: lol:
-
Just seen Rolf Harris in my local shop. The woman serving asked if he was that bloke from the 70's who did 'Two Little Boy's'....'No', he replied. 'That was Gary Glitter'
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
Just seen Rolf Harris in my local shop. The woman serving asked if he was that bloke from the 70's who did 'Two Little Boy's'....'No', he replied. 'That was Gary Glitter'
happy001
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There where no paedos in my day , No! In my day you had buy you own sweets and ask you mum for a puppy. redface:
-
There where no paedos in my day , No! In my day you had buy you own sweets and ask you mum for a puppy. redface:
lol: lol: lol:
-
Bob Diamond used to be known as Bob Coal...but he's been under a lot of pressure lately....
-
drumroll:
-
Bob Diamond used to be known as Bob Coal...but he's been under a lot of pressure lately....
happy001
-
A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "BNP School of Diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
-
A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "BNP School of Diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
;D ;D
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A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "BNP School of Diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
Fins!! cussing:
-
A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "BNP School of Diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
Fins!! cussing:
We need a "handbag" emotiwotsit...
-
A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "BNP School of Diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
Fins!! cussing:
Yes it was the end for him whistle:
-
A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "BNP School of Diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
Fins!! cussing:
Yes it was the end for him whistle:
drumroll:
-
A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "BNP School of Diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
Fins!! cussing:
Yes it was the end for him whistle:
doh:
-
A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "BNP School of Diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
Fins!! cussing:
Yes it was the end for him whistle:
doh:
He's going flip ........ redface:
-
A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "BNP School of Diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
Fins!! cussing:
Yes it was the end for him whistle:
doh:
He's going flip ........ redface:
I'll flip you! cussing:
-
A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "BNP School of Diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
Fins!! cussing:
Look. Those flippers that frogmen and other assorted diving/swpimpmping types use bear absolutely no resemblance whatsoever to the things you find on the sides of fish!
They are, however, uncannily like the things attached to the end of frog's legs (hence the term 'frogmen') and are not dissimilar to the things on the end of duck's legs and things on the sides of seals etc.
So - definitely not fins then! OK?
-
A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "BNP School of Diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
Fins!! cussing:
Look. Those flippers that frogmen and other assorted diving/swpimpmping types use bear absolutely no resemblance whatsoever to the things you find on the sides of fish!
They are, however, uncannily like the things attached to the end of frog's legs (hence the term 'frogmen') and are not dissimilar to the things on the end of duck's legs and things on the sides of seals etc.
So - definitely not fins then! OK?
THEY. ARE. FINS! Banghead
-
A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "BNP School of Diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
Fins!! cussing:
Look. Those flippers that frogmen and other assorted diving/swpimpmping types use bear absolutely no resemblance whatsoever to the things you find on the sides of fish!
They are, however, uncannily like the things attached to the end of frog's legs (hence the term 'frogmen') and are not dissimilar to the things on the end of duck's legs and things on the sides of seals etc.
So - definitely not fins then! OK?
THEY. ARE. FINS! Banghead
Okay Duckfoot ~ Keep yer hair on! ............ Oh! redface:
-
Explode:
-
A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "BNP School of Diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
Fins!! cussing:
Look. Those flippers that frogmen and other assorted diving/swpimpmping types use bear absolutely no resemblance whatsoever to the things you find on the sides of fish!
They are, however, uncannily like the things attached to the end of frog's legs (hence the term 'frogmen') and are not dissimilar to the things on the end of duck's legs and things on the sides of seals etc.
So - definitely not fins then! OK?
THEY. ARE. FINS! Banghead
Wot? Like Mikka Hakkinen?
-
It would seem only BM uses the term fins whistle:
The rest of us use the correct terminology whistle:
BM is an muppet whistle:
-
Banghead
-
Andy Murray will be fine. The British love people who cry after losing something.
Just look at Gazza, Stuart Pearce, and the McCanns.
-
A bloke sat in his armchair & shouts to his wife........ "when I die I’m going to leave everything to you love!"
She shouts back.... "you already do you lazy bastard !! "
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
I was in the library noisily eating a kebab when the librarian said to me, "Shhhushhh."
I replied, "No it's Doner."
-
Andy Murray will be fine. The British love people who cry after losing something.
Just look at Gazza, Stuart Pearce, and the McCanns.
lol: lol: lol:
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs12.postimage.org%2Fp4yoko5vt%2Fwales_scotland.jpg&hash=e58cf54244a0af867a7d91f429880ab3e3a8ccb6) (http://postimage.org/image/p4yoko5vt/)
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs12.postimage.org%2Fp4yoko5vt%2Fwales_scotland.jpg&hash=e58cf54244a0af867a7d91f429880ab3e3a8ccb6) (http://postimage.org/image/p4yoko5vt/)
Gonna use that .............. :thumbsup:
-
There's a surprise whistle:
I bet JOM can afford a holiday home with all the commission he's earning whistle:
-
I asked my girlfriend to get me a newspaper, "Don't be silly borrow my Ipad"
Feckin spider never knew what hit it. whistle:
-
I asked my girlfriend to get me a newspaper, "Don't be silly borrow my Ipad"
Feckin spider never knew what hit it. whistle:
New affs ............. noooo: but will still use it ......on sundat night .......... :thumbsup:
-
I've opened a bakery recently and a lady phoned me up wanting a cake with 'I SUCK COCKS' written on it.
Mrs Cox was pissed off when I delivered it..... So was her son Isaac.
-
tunble:
-
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded..
"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on beer cans, the other 2 were on the phone.”
-
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded..
"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on beer cans, the other 2 were on the phone.”
happy001
-
I got banned from Waterstone's today for moving all the 'Caution - Wet Floor' signs to the '50 Shades of Grey' shelf.
-
drumroll:
-
It's my Scouse nephews birthday tomorrow, so as a surprise, I've put £10 in his nan's purse.
Olympic Update: Today, the Polish took gold, silver and bronze.
As well as copper, lead, steel and any other scrap metal they could find.
-
It's my Scouse nephews birthday tomorrow, so as a surprise, I've put £10 in his nan's purse.
happy001
-
Frankie Boyle reckons that Jessica Ennis has such tight abs that it must be like shagging a tiny trampoline
-
Frankie Boyle reckons that Jessica Ennis has such tight abs that it must be like shagging a tiny trampoline
Come on Ennis......... whistle:
-
Mr Thread?
-
Just how could this thread get worse........???
-
I'll see what I can do :thumbsup:
-
doh: doh:
-
Good man.......... :thumbsup:
-
Woman answers the door, a man says to her, "do you have a vagina?" she slams the door in disgust.
The same thing happens the next day. Her Hubby says, "I'm taking tomorrow off work to see if he returns."
Next day there's a knock at the door. Hubby says, "I'll hide behind the door, if he asks you the same question, say yes."
Man says, "Do you have a vagina?" woman says "yes"
"good! tell your husband to fucking use it and leave my wife's alone."
-
I walked into my house to find my wife gone and a note nailed to the wall.
"We have your wife, if you want to see her alive again we want £500,000. Do not contact the police, we are very determined. Await a phone call."
They weren't joking about being determined, I've had 36 missed calls from them now
-
;D ;D ;D :thumbsup:
-
happy001
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(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs10.postimage.org%2Fm9whbpl1x%2Ffridge.jpg&hash=9918ed119b50b8c725780b6cf1dc3368c8b71153) (http://postimage.org/image/m9whbpl1x/)
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(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs10.postimage.org%2Fm9whbpl1x%2Ffridge.jpg&hash=9918ed119b50b8c725780b6cf1dc3368c8b71153) (http://postimage.org/image/m9whbpl1x/)
lol: lol: lol:
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The wife came home with a pack of nappies and a bag of baby clothes.
"Is there something you want to tell me?" I asked.
"Yeah," she said, "Gary Barlow is having a car boot sale."
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A female shot putter went to the doctors.panicking she tells the doctor "I've been taking steroids and now I've grown a cock".
The doctor asks "anabolic"
"no no "she replies "just a cock"
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The wife came home with a pack of nappies and a bag of baby clothes.
"Is there something you want to tell me?" I asked.
"Yeah," she said, "Gary Barlow is having a car boot sale."
Fecking excellent .............. :thumbsup:
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The wife came home with a pack of nappies and a bag of baby clothes.
"Is there something you want to tell me?" I asked.
"Yeah," she said, "Gary Barlow is having a car boot sale."
Fecking excellent .............. :thumbsup:
Believe it or not, I thought twice before posting that one.
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The wife came home with a pack of nappies and a bag of baby clothes.
"Is there something you want to tell me?" I asked.
"Yeah," she said, "Gary Barlow is having a car boot sale."
Fecking excellent .............. :thumbsup:
Believe it or not, I thought twice before posting that one.
I will be saying it tomorrow ............the idiots hav e given me a mic........... lol:
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How old are you like.... I'll get me dibber out ready
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How old are you like.... I'll get me dibber out ready
Done worse ..............think it was your joke ....... rubschin:
the wrinkly pubs (not BMs) keep asking me to do it ................. noooo:
but going do some soon.......... :thumbsup:
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Whoa.... whoa... it wasn't one of mine [said JOM from the inside of his Italian tank] whistle: (the one about yer tour of Afghanistan?)
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Whoa.... whoa... it wasn't one of mine [said JOM from the inside of his Italian tank] whistle: (the one about yer tour of Afghanistan?)
Yeah...........and that kids camp joke ,,,,,,,,,,,, ;D
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Did a few last night cloud9: ..........then completely put my foot in it with an innocent comment ......... redface:
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Seems you need to remember to engage your brain before operating your mouth. razz:
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Seems you need to remember to engage your brain before operating your mouth. razz:
Easy mistake to make ..........young couple with 6 month old baby .......assumption the mother of all..............
not his kid ....... redface:
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Seems you need to remember to engage your brain before operating your mouth. razz:
Easy mistake to make ..........young couple with 6 month old baby .......assumption the mother of all..............
not his kid ....... redface:
A baby goat? eeek:
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Yorkshire's won loads of medals at The Olympics, and they've still got chance of another gold in Peter Sutcliffe with the hammer
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Yorkshire's won loads of medals at The Olympics, and they've still got chance of another gold in Peter Sutcliffe with the hammer
happy001
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Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local garage. The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her. "I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!"
"Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now."
"I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he?
"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his arsehole and see if that wakes him."
Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her. When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's arsehole hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my arse for a scoreboard!"
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lol: lol: lol:
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My wife had a near death experience on sunday. Silly cow thought she could do the vacuuming while the rugby was on.
Just bought the wife some crotch-less knickers for halloween. Nothing sexual. Just gives her a much better grip on her broomstick.
My mate always cries after sex. Mind you he is in prison.
I treated the wife to one of those fish pedicures the other day. I must say i'm very pleased with the results. Those piranhas don't fuck about
Humped my best mates wife last night and today i feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
That's the last time i use my Sean Connery accent to tell my wife to sit on my face.
At the 2012 olympics the 100m final was like any other Friday night in London . In the 100 metres final you heard a gun shot
followed by eight blacks legging it.
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happy001
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My scouse mate has just got his kids a trampoline and bikes from the internet.
I asked which website he saw it on.
He replied
'Google earth'
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My scouse mate has just got his kids a trampoline and bikes from the internet.
I asked which website he saw it on.
He replied
'Google earth'
lol: lol: lol:
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My scouse mate has just got his kids a trampoline and bikes from the internet.
I asked which website he saw it on.
He replied
'Google earth'
happy001
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BTW some of these jokes offfend people as I have just found out .............. whistle:
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:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
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:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
The sheep like ones .............who find racist n crap jokes fun............. noooo: but the boss loves me cloud9: his jewish piano has never rung so much............
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A couple of weeks after embarrassing the Royal family with his Vegas pictures, Prince Harry has been deployed to Afghanistan.
Nice one Philip, that'll look a bit less suspicious than another car crash.
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A couple of weeks after embarrassing the Royal family with his Vegas pictures, Prince Harry has been deployed to Afghanistan.
Nice one Philip, that'll look a bit less suspicious than another car crash.
lol: lol: lol:
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A couple of weeks after embarrassing the Royal family with his Vegas pictures, Prince Harry has been deployed to Afghanistan.
Nice one Philip, that'll look a bit less suspicious than another car crash.
lol: lol: lol:
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lol: lol: lol: lol:
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I must have still been thinking of the paralympics when I phoned a company to complain about a leaflet offering "Spas at bargain prices"
Apparently they sell some kind of bath for the garden. redface:
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Spank2:
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Darwin, I'm shocked!
Bet APC uses it though. At least I won't get the blame this time :thumbsup:
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I must have still been thinking of the paralympics when I phoned a company to complain about a leaflet offering "Spas at bargain prices"
Apparently they sell some kind of bath for the garden. redface:
lol: lol: lol:
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I must have still been thinking of the paralympics when I phoned a company to complain about a leaflet offering "Spas at bargain prices"
Apparently they sell some kind of bath for the garden. redface:
;D ;D ;D
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After a long wait, the people of Liverpool finally got the news they wanted today.
The new iPhone will be available to rob later this month.
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After a long wait, the people of Liverpool finally got the news they wanted today.
The new iPhone will be available to rob later this month.
happy001
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After a long wait, the people of Liverpool finally got the news they wanted today.
The new iPhone will be available to rob later this month.
lol: lol: lol:
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Jeremy Forrest is probably looking at a 15 year stretch right now...
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Jeremy Forrest is probably looking at a 15 year stretch right now...
;D ;D ;D
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happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
redface:
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Jeremy Forrest is probably looking at a 15 year stretch right now...
lol: lol: lol:
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No wonder kids are fucked these days.
To pass their Maths exam they need to do French oral.
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No wonder kids are fucked these days.
To pass their Maths exam they need to do French oral.
lol: lol: lol:
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My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.
I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.
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The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said, "I think the romance in this relationship is dead"
I wish she wouldn't talk to me while I'm having a wank.
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lol: lol: lol:
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Go on, I dare you APC, I double dare you
I pulled a heavy duty munter last night down the boozer. Fuck me she looked like she'd been ducking for apples in a chip pan...had more hands up her than Sooty...been set on fire & put out with a golf shoe...got a face that could make an onion cry... so big I couldn't ride her into battle...seen more japs eyes than an oriental optician...a face like a stuntmans knee...a fanny like a yawning donkey...so ugly not even a sniper would take her out...been shot over more times than Sarejevo...has a
pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout...been cocked more times than Elmer Fudd's shotgun...an arse like a bag of spanners...a belly bigger than Santa Claus...
Still, at the end of the day, a shags a shag!
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lol: lol: lol:
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No wonder kids are fucked these days.
To pass their Maths exam they need to do French oral.
At least she'll know how many times 30 goes in to 15
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No wonder kids are fucked these days.
To pass their Maths exam they need to do French oral.
At least she'll know how many times 30 goes in to 15
happy001
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No wonder kids are fucked these days.
To pass their Maths exam they need to do French oral.
At least she'll know how many times 30 goes in to 15
;D ;D ;D
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No wonder kids are fucked these days.
To pass their Maths exam they need to do French oral.
At least she'll know how many times 30 goes in to 15
drumroll: drumroll:
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One for the mathematicians...
If a 30yr old teacher, takes a 15yr old pupil, 120 miles to France travelling at an average speed of 40mph. How many years in prison will he get?
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The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said, "I think the romance in this relationship is dead"
I wish she wouldn't talk to me while I'm having a wank.
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs9.postimage.org%2Fd4ahbgk6j%2Fhusband_bathroom.jpg&hash=2ad20e0fff91cdc4923727ba908c2d5f3e900053) (http://postimage.org/image/d4ahbgk6j/)
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http://youtu.be/iJqw-idOwUc (http://youtu.be/iJqw-idOwUc)
lol: lol: lol:
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In hindsight, I should probably have written on Facebook, “I’ve blown the head gasket on my 1998 Ford XR3,”
rather than, “I’ve just fucked a fourteen year old escort.”
The police still haven’t seen the funny side of it, and they’ve confiscated my laptop.
However, the news isn’t all bad; the wife has gone to stay with her mother.
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In hindsight, I should probably have written on Facebook, “I’ve blown the head gasket on my 1998 Ford XR3,”
rather than, “I’ve just fucked a fourteen year old escort.”
The police still haven’t seen the funny side of it, and they’ve confiscated my laptop.
However, the news isn’t all bad; the wife has gone to stay with her mother.
AFFS!
http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=8111.msg251606#msg251606 (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=8111.msg251606#msg251606)
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I met a gorgeous girl in the park this morning , within minutes the sparks were flying and we were in the bushes making mad and passionate love .
I love my new taser gun .
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lol: lol: lol:
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Jimmy Saville was a big fan of jewellery...
He loved nothing more than squeezing his fingers into a couple of tight rings.
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Jimmy Saville was a big fan of jewellery...
He loved nothing more than squeezing his fingers into a couple of tight rings.
lol: lol: lol:
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Some are Affs, but I can't be arsed to sort the wheat from the chaff
Son said to Dad ''I'm Gay'' Dad looks at his other son and said ''What about you'' Other son said ''Me too Dad''. Dad said F*ck me doesn't anyone in this Frickin family like Pussy? The Daughter said ''I do''
10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident. At the Pearly Gates St Peter says '' If any of you are Paedophiles you can f**k off down to Hell'' 9 of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out ''And take this deaf bastard with you''
The wife said to me last night ''If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse. Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.
The wife came out of the bathroom and said ''I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you'' I said ''Yeah the bloody plug hole is blocked again''
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him. I shouted ''Where you off to Charlie'' he said ''I'm off to change a light bulb'' Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. I said'' That's gonna be a bit awkward init''
''Not really'' He said.'' I still have the receipt you insensitive bastard''
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Keep em coming ..............may have a regular friday night slot (pun there) :thumbsup:
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The wife said to me last night ''If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse. Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.
happy001
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The wife said to me last night ''If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse. Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.
happy001
+1
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I see Jimmy Savile's family have removed his gravestone along with all the flowers growing around it as a sign of respect to his victims.
So it just leaves a small hole with no bush around it.
Just what Jimmy would have wanted
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Spank2:
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I see Jimmy Savile's family have removed his gravestone along with all the flowers growing around it as a sign of respect to his victims.
So it just leaves a small hole with no bush around it.
Just what Jimmy would have wanted
:thumbsup:
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I see Jimmy Savile's family have removed his gravestone along with all the flowers growing around it as a sign of respect to his victims.
So it just leaves a small hole with no bush around it.
Just what Jimmy would have wanted
lol: lol:
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I see Jimmy Savile's family have removed his gravestone along with all the flowers growing around it as a sign of respect to his victims.
So it just leaves a small hole with no bush around it.
Just what Jimmy would have wanted
happy001
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More allegations are on the way. Apparently Jeremy Beadle may have had a small hand in it
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More allegations are on the way. Apparently Jeremy Beadle may have had a small hand in it
;D ;D ;D
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More allegations are on the way. Apparently Jeremy Beadle may have had a small hand in it
lol: lol: lol:
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More allegations are on the way. Apparently Jeremy Beadle may have had a small hand in it
lol: lol: lol:
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George Clooney is to star in a new fim about the life of Jimmy Saville.
It's called Oh, She's eleven
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tunble:
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George Clooney is to star in a new fim about the life of Jimmy Saville.
It's called Oh, She's eleven
;D
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George Clooney is to star in a new fim about the life of Jimmy Saville.
It's called Oh, She's eleven
;D ;D ;D ;D
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George Clooney is to star in a new fim about the life of Jimmy Saville.
It's called Oh, She's eleven
happy001
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George Clooney is to star in a new fim about the life of Jimmy Saville.
It's called Oh, She's eleven
lol: lol: lol:
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I got home today to find my wife masturbating in the bedroom.
"What's going on here?" I asked.
"What does it look like to you?" she said with a smile.
"A yawning sea lion."
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I got home today to find my wife masturbating in the bedroom.
"What's going on here?" I asked.
"What does it look like to you?" she said with a smile.
"A yawning sea lion."
lol: lol: lol:
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I entered my girlfriend in a saggy tits contest the other day she wiped the floor with them
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happy001 happy001 happy001 redface:
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I entered my girlfriend in a saggy tits contest the other day she wiped the floor with them
lol: lol: lol:
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A letter G walks into a Hexadecimal bar,
The bar man says, "Why the wrong base?"
-
A letter G walks into a Hexadecimal bar,
The bar man says, "Why the wrong base?"
lol: lol: lol:
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apc did a 3 hour comedy show last night and was AMAZING!!!!!!!!! Some of the material from this thread was used so big thaks to all the funnies. Thumbs: Thumbs:
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:thumbsup:
I'll pm you me address for the royalties like
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cheque is in the post..... whistle:
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apc did a 3 hour comedy show last night and was AMAZING!!!!!!!!! Some of the material from this thread was used so big thaks to all the funnies. Thumbs: Thumbs:
Well done that lad. :thumbsup:
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Whats the 4 words you dont want to hear after sex ??
Hows about that then
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noooo:
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Whats the 4 words you dont want to hear after sex ??
Hows about that then
happy001
Tea >>> keyboard
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Whats the 4 words you dont want to hear after sex ??
Hows about that then
happy001
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George Clooney is to star in a new fim about the life of Jimmy Saville.
It's called Oh, She's eleven
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs15.postimage.org%2Fxd5zt5g3r%2Foh_shes_eleven.jpg&hash=4babfbe21dc03c797232e0bd262c10c347288429) (http://postimage.org/image/xd5zt5g3r/)
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George Clooney is to star in a new fim about the life of Jimmy Saville.
It's called Oh, She's eleven
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs15.postimage.org%2Fxd5zt5g3r%2Foh_shes_eleven.jpg&hash=4babfbe21dc03c797232e0bd262c10c347288429) (http://postimage.org/image/xd5zt5g3r/)
happy001
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lol: lol: lol:
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From bbc sport..........
"Young Boys have brought 2,500 fans to Anfield tonight......."
this shite writes itself ............
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"Joshua Proffitt on Twitter: "Re 2032. That's why I love football, amazing touch from Young Boys fans,"
(again BBC sport)
are they just taking the mickey .......... rubschin:
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I just got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently saying “a meal for two, with a hairy view” is not the way to announce 69
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tunble:
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Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2:
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I just got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently saying “a meal for two, with a hairy view” is not the way to announce 69
lol: lol:
What is the proper Bingo call for 69?
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Shame on me for knowing this ... "any way up" redface:
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Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2:
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Bought the wife a new fridge for Xmas.
Can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
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lol: lol: lol:
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lol: lol: lol: lol:
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AFFS!
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I wonder if 2DayFM are regretting ringing Adam Lanza and telling him he's adopted?
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I wonder if 2DayFM are regretting ringing Adam Lanza and telling him he's adopted?
Spank2: happy001 happy001
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I wonder if 2DayFM are regretting ringing Adam Lanza and telling him he's adopted?
:thumbsup: :thumbsup: ;D ;D ;D
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:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: ;D ;D ;D ;D
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That woman was worried that radiotherapy on her son's brain tumour would stunt his mental development.
If she wanted him to be brighter she should have called him Xenon not Neon.
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I was working in Subway when a Greek girl came in and said, 'Do you have any Feta cheese?'
I replied, 'I'm quite into gimp masks and fisting.'
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lol: lol: lol:
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lol: lol: lol: lol:
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It has been reported by the NHS that masturbating twice a week increases your life expectancy by 20%. I've done my calculations and I am immortal
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It has been reported by the NHS that masturbating twice a week increases your life expectancy by 20%. I've done my calculations and I am immortal
AFFS! tunble:
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I'm sure you can work on this:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs9.postimage.org%2Fxi05fg6pn%2F6160115_460s.jpg&hash=d1797b2b1f3793be6a8c91b66a4c3bb8106b4447) (http://postimage.org/image/xi05fg6pn/)
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I'm sure you can work on this:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs9.postimage.org%2Fxi05fg6pn%2F6160115_460s.jpg&hash=d1797b2b1f3793be6a8c91b66a4c3bb8106b4447) (http://postimage.org/image/xi05fg6pn/)
happy002
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BREAKING NEWS: God has been arrested after millions of people claim to have been 'touched by him'
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BREAKING NEWS: God has been arrested after millions of people claim to have been 'touched by him'
happy001
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Not a single Brazillian joke here noooo: ... come on APC ;)
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I was on the bus this morning and saw a young woman with a baby was breast feeding. All of a sudden this old woman starts screaming "Oh my God!!! That's disgusting!!! I can't believe you're doing that in public!!"
To be fair to her, it probably wasn't the time or place for a wank.
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A girl sends a text to her boyfriend... If you are sleeping send me your dreams.if your laughing send me your smile.if your eating send me a bite.if your drinking send me a sip.if your crying send me your tears I love you..
The boyfriend replies:I'm having a shit what should I do ?
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My friend was telling me that on Saturday he achieved his ultimate sexual fantasy by shagging a pair of twins.
Excitedly I asked him if he was able to tell them apart and he said that Clare had a fantastic pair of tits while Andrew had a beard.
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lol: lol: lol:
-
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
Gay marriage ..............
who takes who up the aisle...................
-
Gay marriage ..............
who takes who up the aisle...................
lol: lol: lol:
-
Gay marriage ..............
who takes who up the aisle...................
And who gets off with the bridesmaids...
-
Gay marriage ..............
who takes who up the aisle...................
lol: lol: lol:
-
Gay marriage ..............
who takes who up the aisle...................
Do they exchange rings?
-
Gay marriage ..............
who takes who up the aisle...................
Do they exchange rings?
lol: lol: lol:
-
Paddy sets Murphy up on a blind date, Paddy says "she's a lovely girl, but there's something you need to know, she's expecting a baby"
Next day Paddy asked Murphy how he went on
"Alright" said Murphy, "apart from she was an hour late and I felt a right twat sat at the end of the bar in just a nappy"
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. I thought that's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
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Paddy sets Murphy up on a blind date, Paddy says "she's a lovely girl, but there's something you need to know, she's expecting a baby"
Next day Paddy asked Murphy how he went on
"Alright" said Murphy, "apart from she was an hour late and I felt a right twat sat at the end of the bar in just a nappy"
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. I thought that's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
;D ;D Thumbs:
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A girl sees her boyfriends cock for the first time and said,"it's like a Findus lasagne!
"You mean I'm hung like a horse?" he smiled.
"No, it's covered in cheese."
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Eeeeewwww
-
If it helps, I thought that too noooo:
-
Paddy sets Murphy up on a blind date, Paddy says "she's a lovely girl, but there's something you need to know, she's expecting a baby"
Next day Paddy asked Murphy how he went on
"Alright" said Murphy, "apart from she was an hour late and I felt a right twat sat at the end of the bar in just a nappy"
lol: lol: lol:
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Oscar Pistorius surely isn't the first guy to wake up legless after shooting his load all over his girlfriend's face... whistle:
-
Oscar Pistorius surely isn't the first guy to wake up legless after shooting his load all over his girlfriend's face... whistle:
happy002
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I see what Pistorius is doing. He is going to jail for 25 year and when he gets released...Bang! President of South Africa. That's how it works over there, right?
-
I see what Pistorius is doing. He is going to jail for 25 year and when he gets released...Bang! President of South Africa. That's how it works over there, right?
lol: lol: lol:
-
Stuck a few AFFS in here to keep Barman on his toes whistle:
Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fuck it, soldier on!”
I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:00.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"
"No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."
A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
-
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the chemists, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
-
happy001
I'll forgive the odd AFF moments.... ;)
-
As our sex life hasn't been great recently, the other half decided to buy a sex toy to try and heat things up a bit, so she's bought a vibrator that looks just like a magic wand. Just as well really, as her fanny looks just like a Wizards sleeve.
I saw a sign outside the Greengrocers saying, 'Cucumbers, (loose) 75p'. Cool... I think I'll get one for the missus since they've got her size.
I met a strange woman last weekend, who liked being shagged in the ear! I discovered this purely by chance. Every time I tried to stick my cock in her mouth, she turned her head to one side!
My son came home from school all chuffed about gay marriage being legalised.
"Why are you so happy?" I asked. "Have you even got a boyfriend?"
He scrunched up his face dramatically, then replied, "It's the principle."
"Really?" I said. "Well, at least it's not the priest again."
What's the difference between a Norwegian polar bear and Prince William? The polar bear didn't have to get married before eating a posh twat.
As the two horses are neck and neck on the finishing straight, one of the jockeys leans forward and whispers into his horses ear, "Every Little Helps".
-
As our sex life hasn't been great recently, the other half decided to buy a sex toy to try and heat things up a bit, so she's bought a vibrator that looks just like a magic wand. Just as well really, as her fanny looks just like a Wizards sleeve.
I saw a sign outside the Greengrocers saying, 'Cucumbers, (loose) 75p'. Cool... I think I'll get one for the missus since they've got her size.
happy001 happy001
-
As our sex life hasn't been great recently, the other half decided to buy a sex toy to try and heat things up a bit, so she's bought a vibrator that looks just like a magic wand. Just as well really, as her fanny looks just like a Wizards sleeve.
I saw a sign outside the Greengrocers saying, 'Cucumbers, (loose) 75p'. Cool... I think I'll get one for the missus since they've got her size.
happy001 happy001
:thumbsup:
-
As our sex life hasn't been great recently, the other half decided to buy a sex toy to try and heat things up a bit, so she's bought a vibrator that looks just like a magic wand. Just as well really, as her fanny looks just like a Wizards sleeve.
I saw a sign outside the Greengrocers saying, 'Cucumbers, (loose) 75p'. Cool... I think I'll get one for the missus since they've got her size.
I met a strange woman last weekend, who liked being shagged in the ear! I discovered this purely by chance. Every time I tried to stick my cock in her mouth, she turned her head to one side!
My son came home from school all chuffed about gay marriage being legalised.
"Why are you so happy?" I asked. "Have you even got a boyfriend?"
He scrunched up his face dramatically, then replied, "It's the principle."
"Really?" I said. "Well, at least it's not the priest again."
What's the difference between a Norwegian polar bear and Prince William? The polar bear didn't have to get married before eating a posh nice person.
As the two horses are neck and neck on the finishing straight, one of the jockeys leans forward and whispers into his horses ear, "Every Little Helps".
lol: lol: lol:
-
The South African police have said that Oscar Pistorius may get the electric chair.''''''
If you ask me he was dangerous enough on a pair of stilts, never mind giving the fecker a mobility scooter..............
-
The South African police have said that Oscar Pistorius may get the electric chair.''''''
If you ask me he was dangerous enough on a pair of stilts, never mind giving the fecker a mobility scooter..............
lol: lol: lol:
-
The South African police have said that Oscar Pistorius may get the electric chair.''''''
If you ask me he was dangerous enough on a pair of stilts, never mind giving the fecker a mobility scooter..............
happy001
-
The Paki at work just said "Roll on five o'clock."......
"You want to try roll on at eight in the morning, you smelly bastard."....
-
The Paki at work just said "Roll on five o'clock."......
"You want to try roll on at eight in the morning, you smelly bastard."....
lol: lol: lol:
-
The Paki at work just said "Roll on five o'clock."......
"You want to try roll on at eight in the morning, you smelly bastard."....
happy001
-
So Chris Huhne's new girlfriend is in fact a bi-sexual............
not quite true she only likes one cunt.......... whistle:
-
So Chris Huhne's new girlfriend is in fact a bi-sexual............
not quite true she only likes one cunt.......... whistle:
lol: lol: lol:
-
So Chris Huhne's new girlfriend is in fact a bi-sexual............
not quite true she only likes one cunt.......... whistle:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
My girlfriend said she wanted to spice up our sex life.......
so I began with cumin on her tits..............
-
lol:
-
lol: lol:
-
My girlfriend said she wanted to spice up our sex life.......
so I began with cumin on her tits..............
happy001
-
Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”
Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”
Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”
A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!
An Irishman wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all known germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!"
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"
-
happy001
-
Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”
Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”
happy001
Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”
happy001
A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!
AFFS! cussing:
An Irishman wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all known germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!"
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"
tunble:
-
have we ever done the 3 wise men, one bangs his head joke?
(AFFS avoidance mode ON)
-
have we ever done the 3 wise men, one bangs his head joke?
(AFFS avoidance mode ON)
Go on.... rubschin:
-
Mary and Joseph are esconced in their stable with the new baby eyeing up which donkey will be tonights dinner when there's a knock on the door and 3 wise men appear.
The first approaches saying "Behold my Lord I bring you gold". Mary grabs it, mumbling thanks
The second approaches "Behold my Lord I bring you frankinsense" . Mary grabs it, dabs a little behind her ears and mumbles thanks
The third approaches, bangs his head on a beam and shouts "Oh Jesus Christ". Mary looks up and says "that's a good name, we were going to call him Wally"
AFFS score?
-
Mary and Joseph are esconced in their stable with the new baby eyeing up which donkey will be tonights dinner when there's a knock on the door and 3 wise men appear.
The first approaches saying "Behold my Lord I bring you gold". Mary grabs it, mumbling thanks
The second approaches "Behold my Lord I bring you frankinsense" . Mary grabs it, dabs a little behind her ears and mumbles thanks
The third approaches, bangs his head on a beam and shouts "Oh Jesus Christ". Mary looks up and says "that's a good name, we were going to call him Wally"
AFFS score?
I'll allow it... Thumbs:
-
Where is The Affs? Did he ever make it to the bar here?
-
Where is The Affs? Did he ever make it to the bar here?
He was here for a short while.... Thumbs:
We seem to have deleted him.... redface:
-
Where is The Affs? Did he ever make it to the bar here?
He was here for a short while.... Thumbs:
We seem to have deleted him.... redface:
Ah, one of those erasings as part of a witless protection programme
-
Where is The Affs? Did he ever make it to the bar here?
He was here for a short while.... Thumbs:
We seem to have deleted him.... redface:
Ah, one of those erasings as part of a witless protection programme
Yes.... redface:
-
Where is The Affs? Did he ever make it to the bar here?
He was here for a short while.... Thumbs:
We seem to have deleted him.... redface:
We? rubschin:
-
Where is The Affs? Did he ever make it to the bar here?
He was here for a short while.... Thumbs:
We seem to have deleted him.... redface:
We? rubschin:
Wenchy prolly... redface:
-
What do you have to do (or even not do) to get deleted?
You don't suppose The Affs went and got "a life" do you? I seem to recall they were BOGOF at Lidl one week
-
What do you have to do (or even not do) to get deleted?
You should ask CJ.... whistle:
-
happy001
or Claws ;)
-
happy001
or Claws ;)
He is welcome here like! Thumbs:
-
it'd be sort of wrong
-
it'd be sort of wrong
Yes... redface:
-
One of my girlfriends died choking........
It was a terrible blow.......
-
One of my girlfriends died choking........
It was a terrible blow.......
happy001
-
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/229048_514591268601822_1957317456_n.jpg)
redface:
-
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/229048_514591268601822_1957317456_n.jpg)
redface:
:thumbsup:
-
happy001 happy001 happy001
Nice reworking of the old "whole audience and "Shit!" joke
-
My girlfriend did not see the funny side when I changed her tampons for Party Poppers.
-
My girlfriend did not see the funny side when I changed her tampons for Party Poppers.
lol: lol: lol:
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs9.postimg.org%2Fn7mrct2ln%2Fparrot.jpg&hash=0f9d5f3a7daefe5161d75c00bfe062d995f2ac43) (http://postimg.org/image/n7mrct2ln/)
I was in a pet shop when I noticed a Muslim with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder.
"Where did you get that from ?" I asked.
" Bradford ,!!!...There's friggin' thousands of 'em!" ........said the Parrot.
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs9.postimg.org%2Fn7mrct2ln%2Fparrot.jpg&hash=0f9d5f3a7daefe5161d75c00bfe062d995f2ac43) (http://postimg.org/image/n7mrct2ln/)
I was in a pet shop when I noticed a Muslim with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder.
"Where did you get that from ?" I asked.
" Bradford ,!!!...There's friggin' thousands of 'em!" ........said the Parrot.
AFFS...usually pigs.
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs9.postimg.org%2Fn7mrct2ln%2Fparrot.jpg&hash=0f9d5f3a7daefe5161d75c00bfe062d995f2ac43) (http://postimg.org/image/n7mrct2ln/)
I was in a pet shop when I noticed a Muslim with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder.
"Where did you get that from ?" I asked.
" Bradford ,!!!...There's friggin' thousands of 'em!" ........said the Parrot.
lol: lol: lol:
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs9.postimg.org%2Fn7mrct2ln%2Fparrot.jpg&hash=0f9d5f3a7daefe5161d75c00bfe062d995f2ac43) (http://postimg.org/image/n7mrct2ln/)
I was in a pet shop when I noticed a Muslim with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder.
"Where did you get that from ?" I asked.
" Bradford ,!!!...There's friggin' thousands of 'em!" ........said the Parrot.
AFFS...usually pigs.
How TF do you get a pig on yer shoulder
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs9.postimg.org%2Fn7mrct2ln%2Fparrot.jpg&hash=0f9d5f3a7daefe5161d75c00bfe062d995f2ac43) (http://postimg.org/image/n7mrct2ln/)
I was in a pet shop when I noticed a Muslim with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder.
"Where did you get that from ?" I asked.
" Bradford ,!!!...There's friggin' thousands of 'em!" ........said the Parrot.
AFFS...usually pigs.
How TF do you get a pig on yer shoulder
lol:
Silly me, redface: I didn't see that was the main part of the joke.
-
And pigs aren't renowned for their talking.. ::)
-
And pigs aren't renowned for their talking.. ::)
But apart from that and the on-the-shoulder bit, Baldy had a point. ::)
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
Heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning and groaning and banging the headboard off the wall.. it turns out there elderly mother had fallen over and cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for help....
feel a bit guilty about having a wank now
-
Heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning and groaning and banging the headboard off the wall.. it turns out there elderly mother had fallen over and cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for help....
feel a bit guilty about having a wank now
lol: lol: lol:
-
Heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning and groaning and banging the headboard off the wall.. it turns out there elderly mother had fallen over and cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for help....
feel a bit guilty about having a wank now
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
Heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning and groaning and banging the headboard off the wall.. it turns out there elderly mother had fallen over and cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for help....
feel a bit guilty about having a wank now
happy001
-
Thumbs: Thumbs:
-
"Did you know that making a girl laugh is the second best way to get a girl into bed?", I asked my date.
"Really", she asked. "What's the first?".
"A big fuck off knife!", I replied.
"Ha ha you're funny", she said.
"Well done, you've made a sensible choice"
-
"Did you know that making a girl laugh is the second best way to get a girl into bed?", I asked my date.
"Really", she asked. "What's the first?".
"A big fuck off knife!", I replied.
"Ha ha you're funny", she said.
"Well done, you've made a sensible choice"
;D ;D :thumbsup:
-
After my prostate exam, the doctor left. Then the nurse came.
At that point, she whispered the 5 words no man ever wants to hear: "Who the fuck was that?
-
"Did you know that making a girl laugh is the second best way to get a girl into bed?", I asked my date.
"Really", she asked. "What's the first?".
"A big fuck off knife!", I replied.
"Ha ha you're funny", she said.
"Well done, you've made a sensible choice"
happy001
-
After my prostate exam, the doctor left. Then the nurse came.
At that point, she whispered the 5 words no man ever wants to hear: "Who the fuck was that?
It was probably Mister Gordon.... evil:
-
I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night called 'Bomb Jovi'. They were brilliant, their last song 'Living on a Prayer Mat' almost brought the house down! A muslim bloke was bragging that he had the entire koran on dvd - interested I asked him to burn me a copy - well fcuk me, then it all kicked off!
-
I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night called 'Bomb Jovi'. They were brilliant, their last song 'Living on a Prayer Mat' almost brought the house down! A muslim bloke was bragging that he had the entire koran on dvd - interested I asked him to burn me a copy - well fcuk me, then it all kicked off!
Funny but sadly an AFFS moment JOM.... whistle:
Most unlike you.... rubschin:
http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6101.msg396132#msg396132 (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6101.msg396132#msg396132)
-
Good spot, but it's not a full Affs ;)
-
Good spot, but it's not a full Affs ;)
An AFFette then...? ;D
-
Good spot, but it's not a full Affs ;)
An AFFette then...? ;D
AFFish I think.
-
Good spot, but it's not a full Affs ;)
An AFFette then...? ;D
AFFish I think.
Called Wanda...? rubschin:
-
A little boy asked his Dad: What’s between mom’s legs?
The father answers: Paradise, my son.
The kid asks again
: What’s between your legs?
The father replies: The key to the paradise.
The son says: Piece of advice Dad, change the lock, the neighbour has a duplicate key.
-
Good spot, but it's not a full Affs ;)
An AFFette then...? ;D
AFFish I think.
Called Wanda...? rubschin:
drumroll: drumroll:
-
A little boy asked his Dad: What’s between mom’s legs?
The father answers: Paradise, my son.
The kid asks again
: What’s between your legs?
The father replies: The key to the paradise.
The son says: Piece of advice Dad, change the lock, the neighbour has a duplicate key.
See also: Joke #572341. "Mum nearly died today"
-
Right keep them coming ....after Oct will have to start again ,,,,,
-
I was in Turkey on holiday and came across one of those Turkish bath houses. They shaved with a solid steel stoneground razor from below the neckline, inside the ears, snipped out nose hairs, waxed off chest hairs and plucked all the hairs out of the arse crack, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub. Honestly, the wife's never looked so fucking good!
-
I was in Turkey on holiday and came across one of those Turkish bath houses. They shaved with a solid steel stoneground razor from below the neckline, inside the ears, snipped out nose hairs, waxed off chest hairs and plucked all the hairs out of the arse crack, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub. Honestly, the wife's never looked so fucking good!
lol: lol: lol:
-
I was in Turkey on holiday and came across one of those Turkish bath houses. They shaved with a solid steel stoneground razor from below the neckline, inside the ears, snipped out nose hairs, waxed off chest hairs and plucked all the hairs out of the arse crack, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub. Honestly, the wife's never looked so fucking good!
lol: lol: lol:
happy001
-
I was in Turkey on holiday and came across one of those Turkish bath houses. They shaved with a solid steel stoneground razor from below the neckline, inside the ears, snipped out nose hairs, waxed off chest hairs and plucked all the hairs out of the arse crack, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub. Honestly, the wife's never looked so fucking good!
happy001
-
I was in Turkey on holiday and came across one of those Turkish bath houses. They shaved with a solid steel stoneground razor from below the neckline, inside the ears, snipped out nose hairs, waxed off chest hairs and plucked all the hairs out of the arse crack, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub. Honestly, the wife's never looked so fucking good!
Thumbs: Thumbs: Thumbs:
-
: How to Offend Everyone
* I'm living next door to a Muslim couple at the moment.
They have 3 little “brat” kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard,
So I'm just writing to you while the kettle boils !....
and if they want more tommorrow I will connect the outdoor hose to my hot water system.
* Can you spare just $5.00 ?
Ranjitu is a 9yr old boy living in Zambia .
He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles
to School along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes And only 1 pedal..
If you send us just $5.00, we will send you the video- its hilarious.
* I've caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is, "Good morning
You ugly fucker."...... It's not yours is it ?
* I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations.
Just had one from the sperm bank.
Boy, did I give her a mouthful.
* Been to the optometrist today - he told me I was color blind. I'm
Rather worried now that some of my buddies could be black.
If you are, Can you delete my e-mail address ?
* There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market:
It’s called
Trycoxagain.
*Was banned from the pub quiz last night,
The question was......
“where do women mostly have curly hair” ?
Apparently, it's
Africa !
*Haven’t seen the wife for a few days,...... she told me I was no longer romantic and would like a nice night out, you know, book a table, something to eat and a few drinks for us on Valentine's Night.
Apparently a couple of schooners and pies at the snooker table at the pub wasn’t what she had in mind.
*You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they
Drive slowly past
schools.
*A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."
-
: How to Offend Everyone
* I'm living next door to a Muslim couple at the moment.
They have 3 little “brat” kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard,
So I'm just writing to you while the kettle boils !....
and if they want more tommorrow I will connect the outdoor hose to my hot water system.
* Can you spare just $5.00 ?
Ranjitu is a 9yr old boy living in Zambia .
He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles
to School along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes And only 1 pedal..
If you send us just $5.00, we will send you the video- its hilarious.
* I've caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is, "Good morning
You ugly fucker."...... It's not yours is it ?
* I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations.
Just had one from the sperm bank.
Boy, did I give her a mouthful.
* Been to the optometrist today - he told me I was color blind. I'm
Rather worried now that some of my buddies could be black.
If you are, Can you delete my e-mail address ?
* There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market:
It’s called
Trycoxagain.
*Was banned from the pub quiz last night,
The question was......
“where do women mostly have curly hair” ?
Apparently, it's
Africa !
*Haven’t seen the wife for a few days,...... she told me I was no longer romantic and would like a nice night out, you know, book a table, something to eat and a few drinks for us on Valentine's Night.
Apparently a couple of schooners and pies at the snooker table at the pub wasn’t what she had in mind.
*You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they
Drive slowly past
schools.
*A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."
Nearly all affs........ whistle:
-
: How to Offend Everyone
* I'm living next door to a Muslim couple at the moment.
They have 3 little “brat” kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard,
So I'm just writing to you while the kettle boils !....
and if they want more tommorrow I will connect the outdoor hose to my hot water system.
* Can you spare just $5.00 ?
Ranjitu is a 9yr old boy living in Zambia .
He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles
to School along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes And only 1 pedal..
If you send us just $5.00, we will send you the video- its hilarious.
* I've caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is, "Good morning
You ugly fucker."...... It's not yours is it ?
* I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations.
Just had one from the sperm bank.
Boy, did I give her a mouthful.
* Been to the optometrist today - he told me I was color blind. I'm
Rather worried now that some of my buddies could be black.
If you are, Can you delete my e-mail address ?
* There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market:
It’s called
Trycoxagain.
*Was banned from the pub quiz last night,
The question was......
“where do women mostly have curly hair” ?
Apparently, it's
Africa !
*Haven’t seen the wife for a few days,...... she told me I was no longer romantic and would like a nice night out, you know, book a table, something to eat and a few drinks for us on Valentine's Night.
Apparently a couple of schooners and pies at the snooker table at the pub wasn’t what she had in mind.
*You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they
Drive slowly past
schools.
*A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."
Nearly all affs........ whistle:
Shrugs:
-
In recent months Pope Francis has said, "Who am I to judge homosexuals?", and also that atheists might get into Heaven.
Which begs the question, "Is the Pope a Catholic?"
-
I was in Turkey on holiday and came across one of those Turkish bath houses. They shaved with a solid steel stoneground razor from below the neckline, inside the ears, snipped out nose hairs, waxed off chest hairs and plucked all the hairs out of the arse crack, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub. Honestly, the wife's never looked so fucking good!
EYEBROW THREADING NBC 10 SPECIAL (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIeHYNt-rl4#)
-
I was in Turkey on holiday and came across one of those Turkish bath houses. They shaved with a solid steel stoneground razor from below the neckline, inside the ears, snipped out nose hairs, waxed off chest hairs and plucked all the hairs out of the arse crack, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub. Honestly, the wife's never looked so fucking good!
lol: lol: lol:
-
In recent months Pope Francis has said, "Who am I to judge homosexuals?", and also that atheists might get into Heaven.
Which begs the question, "Is the Pope a Catholic?"
lol: lol: lol:
-
I was in Turkey on holiday and came across one of those Turkish bath houses. They shaved with a solid steel stoneground razor from below the neckline, inside the ears, snipped out nose hairs, waxed off chest hairs and plucked all the hairs out of the arse crack, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub. Honestly, the wife's never looked so fucking good!
EYEBROW THREADING NBC 10 SPECIAL (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIeHYNt-rl4#)
rubschin:
-
After two weeks on a desert island with only each other for company, Bob and Geoff are getting horny.
"Look," says Bob, "Neither of us are gay, but if you pretend to be a woman for me, when I'm done, I'll pretend to be a woman for you."
Geoff reluctantly agrees and suffers 10 minutes of painful humiliation as Bob fucks him up the arse. When it's over, Geoff asks Bob for his go.
"Fuck off," Bob replies, "I've got a headache."
-
After two weeks on a desert island with only each other for company, Bob and Geoff are getting horny.
"Look," says Bob, "Neither of us are gay, but if you pretend to be a woman for me, when I'm done, I'll pretend to be a woman for you."
Geoff reluctantly agrees and suffers 10 minutes of painful humiliation as Bob fucks him up the arse. When it's over, Geoff asks Bob for his go.
"Fuck off," Bob replies, "I've got a headache."
lol: lol: lol:
-
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
After two weeks on a desert island with only each other for company, Bob and Geoff are getting horny.
"Look," says Bob, "Neither of us are gay, but if you pretend to be a woman for me, when I'm done, I'll pretend to be a woman for you."
Geoff reluctantly agrees and suffers 10 minutes of painful humiliation as Bob fucks him up the arse. When it's over, Geoff asks Bob for his go.
"Fuck off," Bob replies, "I've got a headache."
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
After two weeks on a desert island with only each other for company, Bob and Geoff are getting horny.
"Look," says Bob, "Neither of us are gay, but if you pretend to be a woman for me, when I'm done, I'll pretend to be a woman for you."
Geoff reluctantly agrees and suffers 10 minutes of painful humiliation as Bob fucks him up the arse. When it's over, Geoff asks Bob for his go.
"Fuck off," Bob replies, "I've got a headache."
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
happy001
-
Channel 4 are said to be looking for someone to fill Carol Vorderman's shoes. I can only produce about a teaspoon at a time but I'm more than happy to give it go.
-
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards.
All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake ......... Some of us have got homes to go to!'
-
;D ;D ;D
-
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards.
All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake ......... Some of us have got homes to go to!'
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards.
All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake ......... Some of us have got homes to go to!'
lol: lol: lol:
-
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards.
All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake ......... Some of us have got homes to go to!'
That is an Apey AFFS. noooo:
-
Channel 4 are said to be looking for someone to fill Carol Vorderman's shoes. I can only produce about a teaspoon at a time but I'm more than happy to give it go.
lol: lol: lol:
-
Channel 4 are said to be looking for someone to fill Carol Vorderman's shoes. I can only produce about a teaspoon at a time but I'm more than happy to give it go.
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
What do you get if you hold a twenty pound note between your chin and your chest?
A good impression of Stephen Hawking at a strip club.
-
What do you get if you hold a twenty pound note between your chin and your chest?
A good impression of Stephen Hawking at a strip club.
lol: lol: lol:
-
What do you get if you hold a twenty pound note between your chin and your chest?
A good impression of Stephen Hawking at a strip club.
lol: lol: lol:
happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 redface:
-
^^^ What Boogs did
-
;D ;D ;D
-
What do you get if you hold a twenty pound note between your chin and your chest?
A good impression of Stephen Hawking at a strip club.
lol: lol: lol:
happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 redface:
happy002 happy002 redface:
-
What do you get if you hold a twenty pound note between your chin and your chest?
A good impression of Stephen Hawking at a strip club.
lol: lol: lol:
-
Looks like I am doing xmas eve .... Thumbs:
-
Looks like I am doing xmas eve .... Thumbs:
Free ticket and booze for Baldy? rubschin:
-
Looks like I am doing xmas eve .... Thumbs:
Free ticket and booze for Baldy? rubschin:
Maybe.... rubschin: got to iron out the deal this week ........told me not to be tame ... Thumbs:
-
Looks like I am doing xmas eve .... Thumbs:
Free ticket and booze for Baldy? rubschin:
Maybe.... rubschin: got to iron out the deal this week ........told me not to be tame ... Thumbs:
Thumbs: Thumbs:
Movin forward. Thumbs: Thumbs:
-
Looks like I am doing xmas eve .... Thumbs:
Free ticket and booze for Baldy? rubschin:
Maybe.... rubschin: got to iron out the deal this week ........told me not to be tame ... Thumbs:
Thumbs: Thumbs:
Movin forward. Thumbs: Thumbs:
Problem is 10 minutes of my act is about smoking ......... rubschin:
-
Looks like I am doing xmas eve .... Thumbs:
Free ticket and booze for Baldy? rubschin:
Maybe.... rubschin: got to iron out the deal this week ........told me not to be tame ... Thumbs:
Thumbs: Thumbs:
Movin forward. Thumbs: Thumbs:
Problem is 10 minutes of my act is about smoking ......... rubschin:
Who gives a flying F? rubschin:
-
Looks like I am doing xmas eve .... Thumbs:
Free ticket and booze for Baldy? rubschin:
Maybe.... rubschin: got to iron out the deal this week ........told me not to be tame ... Thumbs:
Thumbs: Thumbs:
Movin forward. Thumbs: Thumbs:
Problem is 10 minutes of my act is about smoking ......... rubschin:
Who gives a flying F? rubschin:
But I have stopped ...I slag off non-smokers ........ rubschin: normally whilst smoking to piss people off .......
-
Looks like I am doing xmas eve .... Thumbs:
Free ticket and booze for Baldy? rubschin:
Maybe.... rubschin: got to iron out the deal this week ........told me not to be tame ... Thumbs:
Thumbs: Thumbs:
Movin forward. Thumbs: Thumbs:
Problem is 10 minutes of my act is about smoking ......... rubschin:
Who gives a flying F? rubschin:
But I have stopped ...I slag off non-smokers ........ rubschin: normally whilst smoking to piss people off .......
Smoking purely for artistic reasons is entirely acceptable in your circumstances :thumbsup:
-
Looks like I am doing xmas eve .... Thumbs:
Free ticket and booze for Baldy? rubschin:
Maybe.... rubschin: got to iron out the deal this week ........told me not to be tame ... Thumbs:
Thumbs: Thumbs:
Movin forward. Thumbs: Thumbs:
Problem is 10 minutes of my act is about smoking ......... rubschin:
Who gives a flying F? rubschin:
But I have stopped ...I slag off non-smokers ........ rubschin: normally whilst smoking to piss people off .......
Smoking purely for artistic reasons is entirely acceptable in your circumstances :thumbsup:
That's how I got away with smoking on stage inside ,,,,,,, Thumbs:
the drinking was optional...... redface:
-
Looks like I am doing xmas eve .... Thumbs:
Free ticket and booze for Baldy? rubschin:
If I get an afternoon gig I will invite BM....... Thumbs:
-
Looks like I am doing xmas eve .... Thumbs:
Free ticket and booze for Baldy? rubschin:
If I get an afternoon gig I will invite BM....... Thumbs:
With the other Wongas? noooo:
-
Xmas eve booked ......... Thumbs:
-
Xmas eve booked ......... Thumbs:
Thumbs:
-
Silently I slipped the condom over my erect cock and unrolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft, never once losing eye contact with the young woman as she stared at me in wide eyed, jaw dropping disbelief...
Then breaking the silence i spoke...
"Yes that seems to fit alright, i'll take the whole packet please..."
-
Silently I slipped the condom over my erect cock and unrolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft, never once losing eye contact with the young woman as she stared at me in wide eyed, jaw dropping disbelief...
Then breaking the silence i spoke...
"Yes that seems to fit alright, i'll take the whole packet please..."
We don't have an emoticon to show how much I larfed at this! Thumbs:
-
If I'd have been drinking coffee when I read it, the screen would have been soaked.... oh, and doing it would be bad and ever so slightly wrong Barman noooo:
-
If I'd have been drinking coffee when I read it, the screen would have been soaked.... oh, and doing it would be bad and ever so slightly wrong Barman noooo:
Oh, okay then.... Thumbs:
-
Silently I slipped the condom over my erect cock and unrolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft, never once losing eye contact with the young woman as she stared at me in wide eyed, jaw dropping disbelief...
Then breaking the silence i spoke...
"Yes that seems to fit alright, i'll take the whole packet please..."
lol: lol: lol:
-
Apparently a carton of cream was found next to peaches, prompting the police to believe she really did top herself..!
-
Apparently a carton of cream was found next to peaches, prompting the police to believe she really did top herself..!
noooo:
rubschin:
lol: lol: lol:
redface:
-
Thumbs: that joke's a peach. Thumbs:
-
Apparently a carton of cream was found next to peaches, prompting the police to believe she really did top herself..!
happy001
-
Apparently a carton of cream was found next to peaches, prompting the police to believe she really did top herself..!
happy001
happy001 happy001
I bet she was stoned really.
-
Apparently a carton of cream was found next to peaches, prompting the police to believe she really did top herself..!
happy001
happy001 happy001
I bet she was stoned really.
drumroll:
-
Apparently a carton of cream was found next to peaches, prompting the police to believe she really did top herself..!
happy001
happy001 happy001
I bet she was stoned really.
drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll:
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(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimg.org%2F6trr2ygcx%2Fa_Ne2w_Db_460s.jpg&hash=f3df76ebfde586709050875d0e9b51badae45dc5) (http://postimg.org/image/6trr2ygcx/)
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(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimg.org%2F6trr2ygcx%2Fa_Ne2w_Db_460s.jpg&hash=f3df76ebfde586709050875d0e9b51badae45dc5) (http://postimg.org/image/6trr2ygcx/)
lol: lol: lol:
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimg.org%2F6trr2ygcx%2Fa_Ne2w_Db_460s.jpg&hash=f3df76ebfde586709050875d0e9b51badae45dc5) (http://postimg.org/image/6trr2ygcx/)
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Even 'than' is written with a Sarth Efrican accent.
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimg.org%2F6trr2ygcx%2Fa_Ne2w_Db_460s.jpg&hash=f3df76ebfde586709050875d0e9b51badae45dc5) (http://postimg.org/image/6trr2ygcx/)
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Even 'than' is written with a Sarth Efrican accent.
Well spotted. Thumbs:
-
Need to start this again ,,,,,,got asked again tonight .to do 2 nights.....and allowed to be rude........
-
A man dressed as a pumpkin catches a taxi . . . .
on second thoughts noooo:
-
A man dressed as a pumpkin catches a taxi . . . .
on second thoughts noooo:
cussing:
-
My son asked me to help him with his homework the other day. The question he was stuck on was, "give two ways to stop pregnancy."
After telling him what to write I was confident he would be getting top marks.
According to his teacher, "fucking her up the arse" and "blowing your load all over her tits," were both wrong answers!
-
My son asked me to help him with his homework the other day. The question he was stuck on was, "give two ways to stop pregnancy."
After telling him what to write I was confident he would be getting top marks.
According to his teacher, "fucking her up the arse" and "blowing your load all over her tits," were both wrong answers!
happy001
-
My son asked me to help him with his homework the other day. The question he was stuck on was, "give two ways to stop pregnancy."
After telling him what to write I was confident he would be getting top marks.
According to his teacher, "fucking her up the arse" and "blowing your load all over her tits," were both wrong answers!
;D ;D ;D
-
My son asked me to help him with his homework the other day. The question he was stuck on was, "give two ways to stop pregnancy."
After telling him what to write I was confident he would be getting top marks.
According to his teacher, "fucking her up the arse" and "blowing your load all over her tits," were both wrong answers!
;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
Got a call for the British bases......... scared2: now where was that Taliban joke...... rubschin:
-
Got a call for the British bases......... scared2: now where was that Taliban joke...... rubschin:
I have a pass like! Thumbs:
-
Got a call for the British bases......... scared2: now where was that Taliban joke...... rubschin:
I have a pass like! Thumbs:
Thumbs: I'll need a friendly face ........
-
Got a call for the British bases......... scared2: now where was that Taliban joke...... rubschin:
I have a pass like! Thumbs:
Thumbs: I'll need a friendly face ........
cloud9:
-
Got a call for the British bases......... scared2: now where was that Taliban joke...... rubschin:
I have a pass like! Thumbs:
Thumbs: I'll need a friendly face ........
cloud9:
It's tho an agent .....he said describe your humour.......... rubschin: redface:
-
Got a call for the British bases......... scared2: now where was that Taliban joke...... rubschin:
I have a pass like! Thumbs:
Thumbs: I'll need a friendly face ........
cloud9:
It's tho an agent .....he said describe your humour.......... rubschin: redface:
Not the SSVC....?
-
Got a call for the British bases......... scared2: now where was that Taliban joke...... rubschin:
I have a pass like! Thumbs:
Thumbs: I'll need a friendly face ........
cloud9:
It's tho an agent .....he said describe your humour.......... rubschin: redface:
Not the SSVC....?
Don't know just some bloke.......heard I did stand up..........only 3 of us left on the island at the moment.....
-
Got a call for the British bases......... scared2: now where was that Taliban joke...... rubschin:
I have a pass like! Thumbs:
Thumbs: I'll need a friendly face ........
cloud9:
It's tho an agent .....he said describe your humour.......... rubschin: redface:
Not the SSVC....?
Don't know just some bloke.......heard I did stand up..........only 3 of us left on the island at the moment.....
George...?
-
Got a call for the British bases......... scared2: now where was that Taliban joke...... rubschin:
I have a pass like! Thumbs:
Thumbs: I'll need a friendly face ........
cloud9:
It's tho an agent .....he said describe your humour.......... rubschin: redface:
Not the SSVC....?
Don't know just some bloke.......heard I did stand up..........only 3 of us left on the island at the moment.....
George...?
Going tell them bollocks.......driving me mad.....10 phone calls later no nearer being sorted......
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs27.postimg.org%2Fjawrcig5r%2Fao_ZLVo_A_460s.jpg&hash=98531f05158d5ea314695b654205cc9fe3910431) (http://postimg.org/image/jawrcig5r/)
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(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs27.postimg.org%2Fjawrcig5r%2Fao_ZLVo_A_460s.jpg&hash=98531f05158d5ea314695b654205cc9fe3910431) (http://postimg.org/image/jawrcig5r/)
lol: lol: lol:
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs27.postimg.org%2Fjawrcig5r%2Fao_ZLVo_A_460s.jpg&hash=98531f05158d5ea314695b654205cc9fe3910431) (http://postimg.org/image/jawrcig5r/)
;D ;D
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs27.postimg.org%2Fjawrcig5r%2Fao_ZLVo_A_460s.jpg&hash=98531f05158d5ea314695b654205cc9fe3910431) (http://postimg.org/image/jawrcig5r/)
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
No but I have do stand up again this year.....
awaits jokes ....please... drumroll:
I walked in last night to find a paramedic crouching over my wife.
"Get your lips off my wife," I snapped pulling him off her.
"But sir, I'm not kissing her!" He pleaded. "She's stopped breathing."
"Do I need to repeat myself?"
-
Why are women so sensitive? I was talking to a cousin the other day and she told me she was pregnant again, but this time with twins.
"Well at least you'll finally have two kids by the same father" I said
-
No but I have do stand up again this year.....
awaits jokes ....please... drumroll:
I walked in last night to find a paramedic crouching over my wife.
"Get your lips off my wife," I snapped pulling him off her.
"But sir, I'm not kissing her!" He pleaded. "She's stopped breathing."
"Do I need to repeat myself?"
Why are women so sensitive? I was talking to a cousin the other day and she told me she was pregnant again, but this time with twins.
"Well at least you'll finally have two kids by the same father" I said
happy001 and happy002
-
;D ;D ;D ;D
-
Why are women so sensitive? I was talking to a cousin the other day and she told me she was pregnant again, but this time with twins.
"Well at least you'll finally have two kids by the same father" I said
lol: lol: lol:
-
I stormed out of the hospital in a complete rage.
"Fuck her the cheating bitch!" I yelled.
"What's wrong?" asked my mate.
"She's just had the baby and it's not even white," I said.
"Why, what colour is it?" he asked.
"Blue," I replied.
-
I stormed out of the hospital in a complete rage.
"Fuck her the cheating bitch!" I yelled.
"What's wrong?" asked my mate.
"She's just had the baby and it's not even white," I said.
"Why, what colour is it?" he asked.
"Blue," I replied.
happy001
-
I stormed out of the hospital in a complete rage.
"Fuck her the cheating bitch!" I yelled.
"What's wrong?" asked my mate.
"She's just had the baby and it's not even white," I said.
"Why, what colour is it?" he asked.
"Blue," I replied.
happy001
happy001 happy001
-
I stormed out of the hospital in a complete rage.
"Fuck her the cheating bitch!" I yelled.
"What's wrong?" asked my mate.
"She's just had the baby and it's not even white," I said.
"Why, what colour is it?" he asked.
"Blue," I replied.
;D ;D ;D Thumbs:
-
Unbelievable act of kindness in amongst all the chaos in Paris last night. All the taxi drivers were staying in the city centre to taxi everyone home free of charge...
It'd be a lot easier if they just text their families and told them to stop killing everyone.
-
Unbelievable act of kindness in amongst all the chaos in Paris last night. All the taxi drivers were staying in the city centre to taxi everyone home free of charge...
It'd be a lot easier if they just text their families and told them to stop killing everyone.
;D ;D ;D
-
Unbelievable act of kindness in amongst all the chaos in Paris last night. All the taxi drivers were staying in the city centre to taxi everyone home free of charge...
It'd be a lot easier if they just text their families and told them to stop killing everyone.
lol: lol: lol:
-
Earlier today I saw the facebook group “Kids vs Cancer”.
It turns out writing “My money is on cancer every time” is one way to get quite a bit of hate mail.
-
Earlier today I saw the facebook group “Kids vs Cancer”.
It turns out writing “My money is on cancer every time” is one way to get quite a bit of hate mail.
AFFs
-
Earlier today I saw the facebook group “Kids vs Cancer”.
It turns out writing “My money is on cancer every time” is one way to get quite a bit of hate mail.
AFFs
cry:
-
Earlier today I saw the facebook group “Kids vs Cancer”.
It turns out writing “My money is on cancer every time” is one way to get quite a bit of hate mail.
AFFs
cry:
Mine...
-
Earlier today I saw the facebook group “Kids vs Cancer”.
It turns out writing “My money is on cancer every time” is one way to get quite a bit of hate mail.
AFFs
cry:
Mine...
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fgallery.nen.gov.uk%2Fassets%2F0906%2F0000%2F0265%2Fks035_german_mine3.jpg&hash=a4c72ea9f52b1745432e67ebe3830c7bb5ca6dc3)
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PC has gone mad ...... noooo: did a bit of stand up last night ..started to rain ...picked on "the ethnicially challenged " person ...saying he doesn't care he has waterproof hair .....he laughed his ass off ...the rest tutted...... noooo:
-
noooo:
-
PC has gone mad ...... noooo: did a bit of stand up last night ..started to rain ...picked on "the ethnicially challenged " person ...saying he doesn't care he has waterproof hair .....he laughed his ass off ...the rest tutted...... noooo:
:thumbsup:
-
noooo:
Obviously I toned it down a bit after........ whistle:
apart from the girl who cried..... redface:
-
facepalm:
-
facepalm:
facepalm: facepalm:
-
OK ..not on a mic but last night went to a 21st birthday party ...they had a black guy singing....as a surprise they flew out his best mate (black) ...so I said "sorry we have replaced you" ........all the PC brigade were up in arms ..the 2 etnic gentlemen thought it was best joke ever........ noooo:
-
OK ..not on a mic but last night went to a 21st birthday party ...they had a black guy singing....as a surprise they flew out his best mate (black) ...so I said "sorry we have replaced you" ........all the PC brigade were up in arms ..the 2 etnic gentlemen thought it was best joke ever........ noooo:
lol: lol: lol:
-
Being told that they had discovered a cure for dyslexia was like music to my arse.
lol:
Still makes me piss.... ;D
-
Just seen Rolf Harris in my local shop. The woman serving asked if he was that bloke from the 70's who did 'Two Little Boy's'....'No', he replied. 'That was Gary Glitter'
Well that jokes gone ... noooo:
-
Being told that they had discovered a cure for dyslexia was like music to my arse.
lol:
Still makes me piss.... ;D
lol: lol: lol:
-
Just seen Rolf Harris in my local shop. The woman serving asked if he was that bloke from the 70's who did 'Two Little Boy's'....'No', he replied. 'That was Gary Glitter'
Well that jokes gone ... noooo:
lol: lol: lol:
-
Spreading a woman's legs is like spreading butter............
It can be done with a credit card ....but I still prefer a knife....... redface:
-
Spreading a woman's legs is like spreading butter............
It can be done with a credit card ....but I still prefer a knife....... redface:
lol: lol: lol:
-
I know how Anders Behring Breivik feels.
The last time I gatecrashed a summer camp I shot a load as well.
redface:
Using that tonight ........ lol:
Someone remembers that day I did it . ;D met them last night ...........you owe me a beer ...... rubschin:
-
So tomorrow is the night ..... eeek: eeek: eeek: a sell out .......... ;D ;D
Miss T is not going ... noooo: worried I'd upset people .... rubschin:
-
So tomorrow is the night ..... eeek: eeek: eeek: a sell out .......... ;D ;D
Miss T is not going ... noooo: worried I'd upset people .... rubschin:
She thinks that my joke ....." my wife caught me fucking our daughter ....she was so shocked ...that he abortion clinic let me keep her "...is in bad taste for a load of ex-pats ........ rubschin:
-
So tomorrow is the night ..... eeek: eeek: eeek: a sell out .......... ;D ;D
Miss T is not going ... noooo: worried I'd upset people .... rubschin:
She thinks that my joke ....." my wife caught me fucking our daughter ....she was so shocked ...that he abortion clinic let me keep her "...is in bad taste for a load of ex-pats ........ rubschin:
lol: lol: lol:
-
I wonder how it went...? rubschin:
-
I wonder how it went...? rubschin:
That Taliban joke still offends .....who knew ........... rubschin:
-
I wonder how it went...? rubschin:
That Taliban joke still offends .....who knew ........... rubschin:
lol: lol: lol:
-
I wonder how it went...? rubschin:
That Taliban joke still offends .....who knew ........... rubschin:
lol: lol: lol: lol: :thumbsup:
-
On the label it says "Please drink responsibly".
Well...I've got my seatbelt on...
-
On the label it says "Please drink responsibly".
Well...I've got my seatbelt on...
lol: lol: lol:
-
On the label it says "Please drink responsibly".
Well...I've got my seatbelt on...
;D ;D ;D
-
On the label it says "Please drink responsibly".
Well...I've got my seatbelt on...
lol: lol: lol:
-
If two gay black men get married and adopt a baby, which one is supposed to abandon the family?
-
facepalm:
-
facepalm:
Wha?
-
If two gay black men get married and adopt a baby, which one is supposed to abandon the family?
happy001
-
facepalm:
facepalm: facepalm:
-
If two gay black men get married and adopt a baby, which one is supposed to abandon the family?
Thank you ......using that .......... ;D ;D ;D
-
You think you've seen some bad shit in your time?
Imagine Harvey Price's cum face.
-
I'm thinking of opening a strip club with only Jewish women.
I'll call it the Gash Chamber.
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I'm thinking of opening a strip club with only Jewish women.
I'll call it the Gash Chamber.
happy002
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Do female pilots sit in a cuntpit?
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Do female pilots sit in a cuntpit?
lol: lol: lol:
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Got booed off stage last night for one of the Maddie jokes from here .......... noooo:
Last time I do a fundraiser for those 2 cunts ........... evil:
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Got booed off stage last night for one of the Maddie jokes from here .......... noooo:
Last time I do a fundraiser for those 2 cunts ........... evil:
lol: lol: lol:
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In online abuse has taught us anything it is that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.
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In online abuse has taught us anything it is that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.
happy001
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In online abuse has taught us anything it is that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.
My AFFS........ evil:
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I will never forget my Grandfather's final words...
..."stop shaking the ladder you little cunt!"
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I will never forget my Grandfather's final words...
..."stop shaking the ladder you little cunt!"
happy001
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I will never forget my Grandfather's final words...
..."stop shaking the ladder you little cunt!"
happy001
lol: lol:
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I will never forget my Grandfather's final words...
..."stop shaking the ladder you little cunt!"
lol: lol: lol:
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This should give you a little inspiration, Frankie Boyle's latest comedy gig. And it's your favourite price too Jim Lad
https://www.frankieboyle.com/# (https://www.frankieboyle.com/#)
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A new opening ....... rubschin:
"If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?"......................
for the next half hour the obvious answer is pakis, blacks, spastics, and the dead......................... Thumbs:
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You forget BM ::)
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A new opening ....... rubschin:
"If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?"......................
for the next half hour the obvious answer is pakis, blacks, spastics, and the dead......................... Thumbs:
happy001
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You forget BM ::)
sad32: sad32: sad32:
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A row in Lidl today ... rubschin:
One guy shouted at me ..."you can't park in a disabled spot... you spastic" .........
rubschin: rubschin: rubschin:
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Went to see the under 16 girls netball tournament .......
What a semi ........ Thumbs:
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facepalm:
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lol: lol: lol:
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I went to the traveling fair earlier and ended up fingering this gypo slag that turned out to be on her period, so I got my palm red for free.
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I went to the traveling fair earlier and ended up fingering this gypo slag that turned out to be on her period, so I got my palm red for free.
happy001 happy001 happy001
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Whenever I have sex, it's a race to see who comes first.
Me or the police.
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I can't see why female linesman and referees could be any worse than the idiots we have now.
I mean, if there is something women are good at, it is pointing out mistakes made by men.
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lol: lol: lol:
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All too true noooo: (except for Miss I, of course cloud9: sad24: )
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All too true noooo: (except for Miss I, of course cloud9: sad24: )
She knows you have us to point out your mistakes and constructively take the piss... :thumbsup:
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I went to the traveling fair earlier and ended up fingering this gypo slag that turned out to be on her period, so I got my palm red for free.
Thumbs: Thumbs: