The Virtual Pub

Come Inside... => The Comedy Room => Topic started by: Just One More on July 10, 2010, 10:49:53 AM

Title: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 10, 2010, 10:49:53 AM
Channel 4 thought of trying a new show called 'The Black Apprentice'
Alan Sugar refused,saying. ''I don't have no time for no monkey business!''

Raoul Moat.
The most dangerous ginger to emerge from the woods since last month's fox attack.   whistle:

I'm not convinced Raoul Moat is a natural ginger. Evidence...
1) He had a girlfriend.
2) He can walk around in daylight without spontaneously combusting.
3) Two 'friends' helped him.
4) Surely a real ginger would never wear an orange t-shirt.   whistle:

As I sat in my armchair eating a bacon sandwich, an advert came on TV showing starving African children, and I couldn't help thinking.........
......how great my bacon sandwich tasted.

Northumberland Police had ordered the closure of all local fish and chip shops. They said they couldn't have their fishy on a dishy till the Moat came in

Ok no more jokes about the Geordie murderer there not even ..... Raulmoatley funny ..................  redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 10, 2010, 05:58:01 PM
 lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 14, 2010, 06:31:52 PM
Paddy got arrested in B & Q today for punching an African woman at the till. He claims it wasn't his fault as his father had told him to go in and get a Black and Decker.
 
Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."
His wife asked, "What is that?"
Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!"
His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second, ... we don't go down past my mother's house!"
 
My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used something though?"
He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"
 

I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok recently, to get my testicles checked out. While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."
I said, "I haven't got an erection!"
She replied, "No, but I have!"
 
Ramadan is here again. The one time of the year when Muslims cannot eat or drink within the hours of daylight, they just starve. Never has the term, "Not enough hours in the day" been more appropriate!
 
A little Pakistani girl goes to her mother and says, "Mummy, I don't want to be a lesbian when I grow up!"
Her mother says, "What makes you think you'll be a lesbian, Minjeeta?"
 
A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten minutes later, the baby is  still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"
 
French foreplay: Dinner, wine, sex!
Italian foreplay: Dinner, wine, caressing, sex!
Latino foreplay: Dinner, wine, dancing, caressing, sex!
Scottish foreplay: "Haw, ye awake?"
 
I fostered a Muslim child yesterday..... all four cans hit him on the head!
 
I got banned from a Muslim clothes shop today. I only asked for a bomber jacket. Touchy basta*ds!
 
Why do Cadbury's make white chocolate buttons?
So that black kids can have messy faces as well!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on August 14, 2010, 07:05:10 PM
 lol: lol: lol:

Australian foreplay: Brace yourself Sheila
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 15, 2010, 07:04:48 AM
Excellent jokes!  lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 20, 2010, 08:44:33 PM
Joke of the year

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 20, 2010, 08:47:24 PM
Joke of the year

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.


 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 21, 2010, 04:25:09 PM
Apparently, one of the most popular boys' names in Britain nowadays is Mohammed.

Compare that to Pakistan, where the most popular boys' name is now Bob............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 25, 2010, 10:42:34 PM
A friend of mine just started his own business, making land-mines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing well. 

He says Prophets are going through the roof.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on August 25, 2010, 10:58:54 PM
What do you call the first Pakistani off the boat?      Amhere.

What do you call the second Pakistani off the boat?  Amhere Azwel.

What do you call the third Pakistani off the boat?  Amhere Azwel Azhim.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on August 26, 2010, 09:22:51 PM
From Sky News:  The dead Mi6 Agent found in a bag in his London flat has been named as Brian Shepherd.  He is thought to have been stabbed and put into a hot bath first.  Police are treating it as a boil in the bag Shepherd Spy.....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 26, 2010, 09:25:50 PM
Bad Tipsy  Spank2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on August 26, 2010, 09:28:46 PM
WAKE UP NICK!  You've been asleep!  It's just a dream.  scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 26, 2010, 11:23:05 PM
From Sky News:  The dead Mi6 Agent found in a bag in his London flat has been named as Brian Shepherd.  He is thought to have been stabbed and put into a hot bath first.  Police are treating it as a boil in the bag Shepherd Spy.....

 ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 27, 2010, 05:00:06 AM
From Sky News:  The dead Mi6 Agent found in a bag in his London flat has been named as Brian Shepherd.  He is thought to have been stabbed and put into a hot bath first.  Police are treating it as a boil in the bag Shepherd Spy.....

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 01, 2010, 08:08:32 PM
I'm living next door to a muslim couple at the moment.  They have 3 little kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back  yard, so I'm just writing to you while the kettle boils!


Can you spare just £2.00?  Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Zambia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye.  Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal.  If you send us just £2.00, we will send you the video - it's hilarious.


I've caught a stray parrot in my garden.  All he says is, "good morning you ugly prick."  It's not yours is it?


I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful.


Been to the optometrist today - he told me I was colour blind. I'm fuckin' worried now that some of my buddies could be black. If you are, can you delete my e-mail address?


There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain.


In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa


One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Jocks and Scousers is not the correct answer 


George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh, She's Eleven."   


You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools


A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard
and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."


A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on September 01, 2010, 09:20:03 PM


Have you considered changing your email address?  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 02, 2010, 04:21:42 AM
Keep em coming JOM!  lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 03, 2010, 01:27:27 PM
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Aussie are having a drink in America.
“You know", says the Scotsman: "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth one for you."
"Well", says the Englishman: "at my local pub, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," says the Aussie: "Back home in Sydney there's Bruce's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, and it is all on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Aussie's claims. But the Aussie swears every word is true.
"Well," says the Englishman: "has this actually happened to you?"
"Not me personally," says the Aussie: "But it did happen to my sister."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 03, 2010, 01:31:16 PM
A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another fellow and immediately notices that the guy has a very large disposable Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says: "Wow, cool lighter. Where did you get it?"
The second guy replies: "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?" the first guy asks.
"Sure," the second guy replies.
The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish," says the genie.
The first guy says: "I want a million bucks!"
"Done," says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by, and suddenly the bar door swings open and thousands and thousands of ducks start pouring in.
"I can't believe this," says the first guy: "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy turns to him and says: "Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch Bic?"

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 03, 2010, 01:34:32 PM
A pair of old drunks were lounging in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"
"So," says the second drunk: "What's your point?"
"Well," says the first: "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on September 03, 2010, 02:41:43 PM
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Aussie are having a drink in America.
“You know", says the Scotsman: "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth one for you."
"Well", says the Englishman: "at my local pub, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," says the Aussie: "Back home in Sydney there's Bruce's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, and it is all on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Aussie's claims. But the Aussie swears every word is true.
"Well," says the Englishman: "has this actually happened to you?"
"Not me personally," says the Aussie: "But it did happen to my sister."


 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 03, 2010, 02:58:26 PM
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Aussie are having a drink in America.
“You know", says the Scotsman: "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth one for you."
"Well", says the Englishman: "at my local pub, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," says the Aussie: "Back home in Sydney there's Bruce's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, and it is all on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Aussie's claims. But the Aussie swears every word is true.
"Well," says the Englishman: "has this actually happened to you?"
"Not me personally," says the Aussie: "But it did happen to my sister."


 happy001 happy001

That was the best one!  lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on September 03, 2010, 03:01:42 PM
True story from Miss D perhaps...

 scared:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 03, 2010, 03:02:34 PM
Never been to Australia .......yet  lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on September 03, 2010, 03:03:07 PM
What about down under?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on September 03, 2010, 03:03:38 PM
Never been to Australia .......yet  lol:



But am now saving furiously


I've changed it for you. eveilgrin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 03, 2010, 03:05:21 PM
What about down under?

Don't know what you mean  angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on September 03, 2010, 04:04:03 PM
Never been to Australia .......yet  lol:

I still have a vacancy for an assistant  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 03, 2010, 04:07:33 PM
Ooooooooh I can assist very well  cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on September 03, 2010, 04:10:33 PM
Really?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbwPNOKni9s&feature
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on September 03, 2010, 04:14:25 PM
Jeeeeesus! That is some mullet!   eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on September 03, 2010, 04:24:25 PM
Ooooooooh I can assist very well  cloud9:

Very well, we should arrange an interview   Sunday Lunch   lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on September 03, 2010, 04:28:42 PM
Best make it finger food Miss D, strictly no knives ~ he may want to audition you.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 03, 2010, 04:29:40 PM
Watch out for his swelling  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 03, 2010, 04:30:39 PM
I bring my own sharp instruments Snoops  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on September 03, 2010, 04:42:58 PM
Fortunately, MissD's Rosa Klebb routine has yet to be unleashed under the table  ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 03, 2010, 06:25:46 PM
Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland, following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 04, 2010, 08:49:37 AM
Jeeeeesus! That is some mullet!   eeek:

Was that the bit when she did the splits like  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 05, 2010, 09:04:39 AM
News Today ..'Wayne Rooney in new escort girl scandal' ....

'The shame and publicity means my partner may never forgive me',



 said the prostitute.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 05, 2010, 09:38:43 AM
 lol:

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 05, 2010, 10:04:22 AM
 ;D


(http://s3.postimage.org/wI8pi.jpg) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=PqwI8pi)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 05, 2010, 11:34:21 AM
;D


([url]http://s3.postimage.org/wI8pi.jpg[/url]) ([url]http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=PqwI8pi[/url])



 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 05, 2010, 06:56:28 PM
The Preacher says, "Anyone with needs to be prayed for, come forward to the front, at the altar!"
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."
Leroy replies : "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays he prays for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy says,

"I don't know, Reverend, it ain't until next Wednesday."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 12, 2010, 08:41:49 AM
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 12, 2010, 08:57:26 AM
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'


That was fresh in your inbox was it...?  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 12, 2010, 09:02:01 AM
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'


That was fresh in your inbox was it...?  noooo:

 redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 12, 2010, 09:10:39 AM
Carrying on in the same vein ..... redface:

One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 12, 2010, 09:14:55 AM
Carrying on in the same vein ..... redface:

One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother.

 drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 12, 2010, 09:17:35 AM
Evidently Miss D has bugged the BM household.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 12, 2010, 05:04:43 PM
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'


That was fresh in your inbox was it...?  noooo:

I think I first saw that one on a telex.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 12, 2010, 05:53:37 PM
Telex  cloud9: Dad use to work for Western Union on the 60's and we sometimes use to go in to see him after shopping with mum. I use to be fascinated by the "magic typewriter" that typed by itself  redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on September 12, 2010, 08:56:15 PM
Yeah...my old man used to tell me that the pre-payment gas meter was my moneybox... noooo: sad32:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 12, 2010, 10:12:39 PM
Yeah...my old man used to tell me that the pre-payment gas meter was my moneybox... noooo: sad32:
  lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 13, 2010, 04:51:33 AM
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'


That was fresh in your inbox was it...?  noooo:

I think I first saw that one on a telex.

The first time I saw it was like this...

Quote
  .---  .-  -.-  .  +  .--  .-  ...  +  -..  -.--  ..  -.  --.  +  ....  ..  ...  +  .--  ..  ..-.  .  +  ...  .-  -  +  .-  -  +  -  ....  .  +  -...  .  -..  ...  ..  -..  .  +  ....  .  +  .-..  ---  ---  -.-  .  -..  +  ..-  .--.  +  .-  -.  -..  +  ...  .-  ..  -..  +  .--  .  .-  -.-  .-..  -.--  +  ..  +  ....  .-  ...-  .  +  ...  ---  --  .  -  ....  ..  -.  --.  +  ..  +  --  ..-  ...  -  +  -.-.  ---  -.  ..-.  .  ...  ...  +  -  ....  .  .-.  .  ...  +  -.  ---  +  -.  .  .  -..  +  -  ---  +  ....  ..  ...  +  .--  ..  ..-.  .  +  .-.  .  .--.  .-..  ..  .  -..  +  -.  ---  +  ....  .  +  ..  -.  ...  ..  ...  -  .  -..  +  ..  +  .--  .-  -.  -  +  -  ---  +  -..  ..  .  +  ..  -.  +  .--.  .  .-  -.-.  .  +  ..  +  ...  .-..  .  .--.  -  +  .--  ..  -  ....  +  -.--  ---  ..-  .-.  +  ...  ..  ...  -  .  .-.  +  -.--  ---  ..-  .-.  +  -...  .  ...  -  +  ..-.  .-.  ..  .  -.  -..  +  ....  .  .-.  +  -...  .  ...  -  +  ..-.  .-.  ..  .  -.  -..  +  .-  -.  -..  +  -.--  ---  ..-  .-.  +  --  ---  -  ....  .  .-.  +  ..  +  -.-  -.  ---  .--  +  ...  ....  .  +  .-.  .  .--.  .-..  ..  .  -..  +  -.  ---  .--  +  .---  ..-  ...  -  +  .-.  .  ...  -  +  .-  -.  -..  +  .-..  .  -  +  -  ....  .  +  .--.  ---  ..  ...  ---  -.  +  .--  ---  .-.  -.-

Quite frankly, you'd have thought Harold Bride and Jack Phillips would have had better things to do....  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 13, 2010, 02:12:42 PM
There was a wealthy man who was too mean to share his wealth with anyone.

One day he became very ill and on his death bed he called his wife and made her promise that she would bury all his money with him.  So tearfully she agreed.  Not long after he passed away and at his funeral his widow went up to his coffin and placed a bag inside.  Her best friend - with whom she had disclosed what her husband had asked - whispered in her ear "You didn't do what that old fool wanted did you?"
"Of course  I did. I have to respect my late husband's wishes" responded the widow  then she looked at her best frind with a sly grin and said "I wrote a cheque".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on September 13, 2010, 02:16:03 PM
That one doesn't smell very fresh either. So old it has ivy growing round it.  noooo:

To quote El Dippy ~ Up your game young lady.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 13, 2010, 02:28:34 PM
Err no ...I thought we were in retro mode  rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 13, 2010, 02:50:51 PM
Err no ...I thought we were in retro mode  rubschin:

 noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 13, 2010, 02:57:44 PM
Oh well, I have now pronounced it officially to be so  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 13, 2010, 03:00:07 PM
Oh well, I have now pronounced it officially to be so  whistle:

I'll re-name the thread "Fresh from ye olde poste box then"?  ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 13, 2010, 03:00:54 PM
You do as you please...it's bound to be wrong  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 13, 2010, 03:05:45 PM
You do as you please...it's bound to be wrong  whistle:

 evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: tel on September 14, 2010, 04:12:49 PM
Just got sent this, had forgotten all about it -old I know, but -

http://www.youtube.com/user/waffley1999#p/a/f/1/Izet8zN1vmE

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on September 16, 2010, 05:46:16 PM


    The improved National Health Service
     
    The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.

    The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

    The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

    The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

    Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

    The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

    Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists wouldn’t hear of it.

The Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't  have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London.   
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 18, 2010, 07:48:34 AM
A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your Prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99' ".
The guy obeys and says,"99".
The doctor says, "Great".  Now turn over on your left side and again, I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".
Again, the guy says, '99'."
The doctor said,"Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold  on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The guy begins, "One .. Two ....Three".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 18, 2010, 09:32:55 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on September 19, 2010, 02:01:46 PM
Just received ...   ;D ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iANRO3I30nM&feature=player_embedded
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on September 19, 2010, 02:25:04 PM


I worry about you, I really do  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 19, 2010, 02:31:34 PM
I've heard that record so many times on the radio recently and it's so bloody annoying. The video makes it easier on the ear (just) but I wonder if that was "take #108" when they finally got it right

oh, and thanks for the earworm  cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on September 19, 2010, 03:27:12 PM

I worry about you, I really do  noooo:

You're not the only one ... the relevant numbers are logged as ICE on my mobile  angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 20, 2010, 10:30:55 AM
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini iItaly went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional the man said: Bless MeFather for I have sinned During World War II a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."  The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to confess that."  "There is more to tell Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours
 This happened several times a weekand sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did> you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However if you are truly sorry for your actionsyou are indeed forgiven."
  "Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
 "And what is that?" asked the priest.
 
"Should I tell her the war is over?''
 
 
 
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 20, 2010, 10:52:52 AM
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini iItaly went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional the man said: Bless MeFather for I have sinned During World War II a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."  The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to confess that."  "There is more to tell Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours
 This happened several times a weekand sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did> you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However if you are truly sorry for your actionsyou are indeed forgiven."
  "Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
 "And what is that?" asked the priest.
 
"Should I tell her the war is over?''
 
 
 

The Affs would be on that like a shot....  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 20, 2010, 10:54:08 AM
 evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 20, 2010, 10:59:38 AM
evil:


 point:

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=4917.0
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on September 20, 2010, 11:19:16 AM
evil:


 point:

[url]http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=4917.0[/url]



Better typed too.   whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 20, 2010, 11:41:43 AM
evil:


 point:

[url]http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=4917.0[/url]



Better typed too.   whistle:


Indeed!  lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 20, 2010, 12:11:36 PM
Never rely on the spell checker alone. . .  noooo:

From the parish newsletter:

".... and xxxxx has decided to retire from the council since being diagnosed with irrational bowl syndrome..."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 20, 2010, 12:19:03 PM
That is what Tipsy has  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on September 20, 2010, 12:40:13 PM
 evil:  I am better thank you very much!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 20, 2010, 12:43:56 PM
Good. I have thought of little else but your bowels all day  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 20, 2010, 12:46:18 PM
Been choosing paint colours have we  rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 20, 2010, 01:51:46 PM
Been choosing paint colours have we  rubschin:
drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on September 20, 2010, 03:56:22 PM
Oh no    noooo:

Quote
‘Ginger’ chandelier with crystal rings from Micron
Published: 20-Sep-2010

Italian light fixture maker Micron has introduced a new series of luxury lamp named ‘Ginger’ featuring a sparkling waterfall form made of crystal rings.

With its perpetual fall of crystals shape, Ginger hanging lights create a luxurious light effect with glasses sparkling through light. The quantity and position of rings make a unique aesthetic appeal to this design chandelier.

Each crystal ring hangs in a circle scheme that falls from the ceiling and floats in the air. Some of the rings are coloured in ruby red or warm amber or trendy purple or black, to offer an enhanced visual appeal.

Ginger is available in three sizes - with 140 crystal rings, 42 lights and diameter of 80 cm (M6480); with 54 rings and 27 lights (M6460); and with 18 rings and nine lights (M6410). The wires are supplied with maximum height of 150/130/100 cm.


You want to see it don't you?  Well here you go:

(http://static.businessreviewonline.com/brnewsitesimagesrootfilepath/File_root/Article/ginger_chandelier_with_crystal_rings_from_micron_100920/gingerf.jpg)

Isn't that just f... f..... f.... fabulous  doh:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 20, 2010, 03:58:00 PM
 evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 21, 2010, 06:58:04 PM
The mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons in
the City Centre

He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London
was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on
the pavements, or drive on the roads.

It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements
clean.

One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.

'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to
the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions.

Or, you can pay me one million pounds to ask one question.'


The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition

The next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his coat, and
released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and
flew up into the bright blue London sky.

All
the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in
the air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed
the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of
Nelson's Column


The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had
performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the
plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged
nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million pounds and
told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though
they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he
decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.

The mayor asked:












“Do you have a blue Paki ?? “
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 21, 2010, 06:59:58 PM
"One lady owner."

So the clutch is fucked then?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 22, 2010, 05:18:05 PM

 
> >WOMAN'S DIARY:
> >
> >Thursday 20th Sept 2006
> >
> >Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been
> >shopping
> >in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him -
> thought it
> >might be that.
> >
> >The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere
> quieter
> >to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we
> went
> >somewhere nice to eat.
> >
> >All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and
> >didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.
> >
> >I just knew that something was wrong.
> >
> >He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He
> >hesitated but followed.
> >
> >I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned
> the
> >television on. After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was
> going
> >upstairs to bed.
> >
> >I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply.
> >
> >He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.
> >
> >He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my
> surprise,
> >we
> >made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.
> >
> >Cried myself to sleep -I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's
> found
> >someone else.
> >
> >
> >MAN'S DIARY:
> >
> >Thursday, 20th September 2006
> >
> >West Ham lost. Gutted. Got a shag though.
>
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 22, 2010, 05:42:48 PM
The Affs!  ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 22, 2010, 09:02:40 PM
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to  him....
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
“Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money too!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"

 
"Here it comes."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 23, 2010, 04:29:26 AM
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to  him....
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
“Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money too!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"

 
"Here it comes."


 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 23, 2010, 09:18:40 AM
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to  him....
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
“Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money too!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"

 
"Here it comes."


 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 24, 2010, 09:47:21 PM
Things you never hear a traffic police officer say

•"Actually, you're right, I do have something better to do."
•"Now I come to think of it, my radar gun is faulty."
•"You were driving at just about the correct speed."
•"Of course you can have a verbal caution rather than this ticket."
•"I say, we're frightfully busy with this accident, would you mind awfully,
if it's not too much trouble, going that way instead?"
•"You're quite right, mobile phones are handy, aren't they?"
•"Of course, you can borrow some equipment, take it from my car."
•"It doesn't matter that it's not a traffic assignment, let us help you out."
•"Of course I can park the car and get out every once in a while."
•"I'm too active, I can't sleep in the patrol car on nights."




A defence lawyer was cross-examining a police officer during a trial - it went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several streets away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defence lawyers have been known to walk through that room.



Remember

- There are three types of people, those that make things happen, those that watch things happen and those that wondered what happened!

- If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty!!



Cut-Backs
I see MI5 got in on the act today, sharing with us the fact that they are actively investigating simply gazillions of terrorist cells plotting to murder each and every one of us in our beds. And if their budget is cut by so much as a tenner next year, we will all die.



James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "State-of-the-art watch? What is so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically," Bond explains. "So what's it telling you now?" says the woman. "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties," Bond replies. The woman giggles and says, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 06, 2010, 03:42:13 PM
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman
who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.   

 
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
 
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,  "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT
A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 06, 2010, 05:55:38 PM
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonnareah. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonnareah."

The widow replied, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."



A man says to his new girlfriend: "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly."
"Well," she replies, "You succeeded."



My wife flew off the handle today... ...the kids walked in when she was masturbating with the broom.


Guy pulled over today and asked me how'd I get to ASDA!! I was honest and said "my mum takes me" and walked off.


My wife insisted we put a mobile up above the baby's cot. What a waste of money. He can't lift his head let alone text.
 

NEWS : 'Suicide Bomber Strikes again' He's clearly not very good
 

Trust America to name a State after a bucket of fried chicken


I currently own a system which is exactly 14 times better than Windows 7. I call it: Windows 98


A man was accused of pushing a rival through a combine harvester. Police didn't have a shred of evidence.


Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?


If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.


Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.


A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 06, 2010, 06:07:28 PM
Quote
My wife flew off the handle today... ...the kids walked in when she was masturbating with the broom.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 07, 2010, 03:22:01 AM
Let's Just Offend Everyone....but be politically correct!!!



I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said, 'I've not eaten for two days'.   I told him, 'I wish I had your  will power'


Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation for casual sex........... Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.   


I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did '   


A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said, 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually'. 


Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance" with a face like that!'   



I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
 
Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works
best!

And the best one ...

 I failed my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 07, 2010, 03:28:49 AM
Nancy Reagan and justice

 

We could all learn so much from Nancy Reagan, an elegant and gracious

lady. You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young

man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's. Hinckley was absolutely

obsessed with movie star, Jodie Foster. In his twisted mind, he loved

Jodie to the point that he was willing to assassinate President Reagan in

order to make himself well known to her.

 

There is speculation  Hinckley  may soon be released, as it is believed

that he has now been rehabilitated. Consequently, you will appreciate the

following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley:





To:         Mr. John Hinckley

From:    Mrs. Nancy Reagan

 

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we

are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our

country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know

that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan.

We're fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to

such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a

complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a

healthy and productive man.

 

Best wishes,

Nancy Reagan & Family

 

P.S.    While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging

Jodie Foster like a screen door in a hurricane. You might want to look

into that.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 07, 2010, 05:25:14 AM
Quote
I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
 
Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works
best!

happy001

Well done baldy, you just need an avatart now....  whistle:

Inj fact, get an avatart or I'll make a temporary one for you...  eveilgrin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 07, 2010, 10:36:40 AM
Too slow...  eveilgrin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on October 07, 2010, 05:36:33 PM
 rubschin: rubschin:

Quote
After the last annual calculation of your fiscal activity, we have determined that you are eligible to receive a tax rebate of 431.10 GBP
Please submit the attached Tax Rebate Form and allow us 5-7 days in order to process it.

Note : You will need to provide a valid credit/debit card where refunds will be made.
A refund can be delayed for some reasons, for example submitting invalid records or applying after deadline.

Best Regards,
HM Revenue & Customs

Almost the same as a certain loyalty bonus cited elsewhere   ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 07, 2010, 05:39:20 PM
YOu could club together and she could get both boobs done at the same time. like.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 07, 2010, 06:22:11 PM
YOu could club together and she could get both boobs done at the same time. like.

 eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on October 07, 2010, 06:24:54 PM
YOu could club together and she could get both boobs done at the same time. like.

 eeek:

 eeek: eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on October 07, 2010, 06:48:27 PM
There are a number of tightrope walkers out today. Must be a convention  rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 07, 2010, 06:50:39 PM
There are a number of tightrope walkers out today. Must be a convention  rubschin:

happy001

Not me Miss...  angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on October 07, 2010, 07:00:06 PM
No ...the clowns couldn't spare you I heard  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 07, 2010, 07:02:22 PM
No ...the clowns couldn't spare you I heard  whistle:

 evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on October 07, 2010, 08:16:35 PM
No ...the clowns couldn't spare you I heard  whistle:

Be nice Miss D, I think I upset BM earlier and we don't want him to feel too picked on  lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 08, 2010, 04:35:11 AM
No ...the clowns couldn't spare you I heard  whistle:

Be nice Miss D, I think I upset BM earlier and we don't want him to feel too picked on  lol:

Mock if you wish...  sad24:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 10, 2010, 09:31:26 PM
"When I was a boy, mother would send me down to the corner shop with £3, and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread,

three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a large box of teabags, and a half a dozen eggs.

You can't do that now.

Too many fuckin' security cameras."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 11, 2010, 04:25:43 AM
"When I was a boy, mother would send me down to the corner shop with £3, and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread,

three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a large box of teabags, and a half a dozen eggs.

You can't do that now.

Too many fuckin' security cameras."


 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 11, 2010, 06:07:18 AM
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether
or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 11, 2010, 06:25:49 AM
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether
or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


The Affs!   ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 11, 2010, 06:28:24 AM
Worse still, Nick posted it the last time too!  (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6678.msg171990#msg171990)  point:

So Nick, do you want a bed near the window? happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 11, 2010, 06:29:15 AM
 Angry9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 11, 2010, 02:37:03 PM
A Professor of Economics explains the TAX SYSTEM IN BEER. .

 THE TAX SYSTEM EXPLAINED IN BEER

Suppose that once a week, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to £100.If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this..

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay £1.
The sixth would pay £3.
The seventh would pay £7.
The eighth would pay £12.
The ninth would pay £18.
And the tenth man (the richest) would pay £59.
So, that's what they decided to do.The ten men drank in the bar every week and seemed quite happy with the arrangement until, one day, the owner caused them a little problem. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your weekly beer by £20." Drinks for the ten men would now cost just £80.

 

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free but what about the other six men? The paying customers? How could they divide the £20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share? They realized that £20 divided by six is £3.33 but if they subtracted that from everybody's share then not only would the first four men still be drinking for free but the fifth  and sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

 

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fairer to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage. They decided to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so, the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (a100% saving).
The sixth man now paid £2 instead of £3 (a 33% saving).
The seventh man now paid £5 instead of £7 (a 28% saving).
The eighth man now paid £9 instead of £12 (a 25% saving).
The ninth man now paid £14 instead of £18 (a 22% saving).
And the tenth man now paid £49 instead of £59 (a 16% saving).
Each of the last six was better off than before with the first four continuing to drink for free.

 

 But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings. "I only got £1 out of the £20 saving," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, "but he got £10!"

 

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a £1 too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"

 

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get £10 back, when I only got £2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

 

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!" The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

 

The next week the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important - they didn't have enough money between all of them to pay for even half of the bill!

 

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy and they just might not show up anymore.

In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics.
For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on October 11, 2010, 03:06:34 PM
Most excellent!












 rubschin:
So the beers are all on BM ~ Or they would be if he hadn't fled the country.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on October 11, 2010, 06:58:33 PM
Excellent. I have copied for future use (somewhere)  Shrugs: (Didn't see a copyright attached)

It will prolly be in Snoopy's next parish magazine anyhoo... ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 11, 2010, 07:02:02 PM
Most excellent!












 rubschin:
So the beers are all on BM ~ Or they would be if he hadn't fled the country.

He is a donkey head
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on October 12, 2010, 07:08:33 AM
Excellent. I have copied for future use (somewhere)  Shrugs: (Didn't see a copyright attached)

It will prolly be in Snoopy's next parish magazine anyhoo... ;)

 rubschin:


36 pages don't fill themselves you know
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on October 14, 2010, 07:45:05 PM
The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race
again and it won again.


The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered
the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.



The next day the local paper headline
read:
BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid
of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline
the
next day:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so
she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:

NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back
the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The ! Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion
can
bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your
life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier
and
live longer!

Have
a nice day!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 16, 2010, 11:44:27 AM
> SCHOOL 1960 vs. 2010
>
>
>
> Scenario:
> Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
>
> 1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up
> friends.
>
> 2010 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault,
> both
> expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger
> management
> programmes for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying
> prevention programs . Mark accused of being a rascist
>
> Scenario :
> Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
>
> 1960 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Head Master.
> Returns
> to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
>
> 2010 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for
> ADD
> .
> Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra
> funding from state because Robbie has a disability.
>
> Scenario :
> Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his dad gives him a
> whipping
> with his belt.
>
> 1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college,
> and
> becomes a successful businessman.
>
> 2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster
> care and
> joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers
> be
> ing
> abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
>
>
> Scenario :
> Mark has a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
>
> 1960 - Mark gets glass of water from his teacher to take aspirin with.
>
> 2010 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. His
> house
> is searched for drugs and weapons.
>
>
>
> Scenario :
> Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Bonfire Night, puts them in
> a
> model airplane paint bottle, blows up an ants nest.
>
> 1960 - Ants die.
>
> 2010- Police Force, & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with
> domestic
> terrorism, Police investigate parents, siblings removed from home,
> computers
> confiscated. Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed
> to fly again.
>
> Scenario :
> Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found
> crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him.
>
> 1960 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
>
> 2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She
> faces 3
> years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy .
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on October 16, 2010, 11:46:24 AM
Where is The Affs when you need him?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 16, 2010, 12:31:40 PM
Here I am! (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=5711.msg129865#msg129865)  ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on October 16, 2010, 12:33:49 PM
 happ096
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 22, 2010, 06:44:59 AM
A guy is sitting in the bar in Departures at a busy airport.
A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty
flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline
she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto

'We love to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:

'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:

'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the fuck do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face - 'Ryanair'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 22, 2010, 06:48:29 AM
The Pope took ill --unconscious -- he was taken to the nearest hospital.

Rushing him in he wakes up and asks --Oh am I in heaven ? no says the nurse were just taking a short cut through the children's ward.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 22, 2010, 07:01:15 AM
The Pope took ill --unconscious -- he was taken to the nearest hospital.

Rushing him in he wakes up and asks --Oh am I in heaven ? no says the nurse were just taking a short cut through the children's ward.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 22, 2010, 08:18:04 AM
 lol: lol:

Those two are being forwarded
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 25, 2010, 09:12:31 AM
A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up my date at her

parents’ home.

I’d scraped together enough money to take her to a very nice restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail;
Lobster; Champagne.

I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”

“No,” she replied. “But my mother’s not expecting a blow job tonight.”

I said "enjoy"...

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 25, 2010, 06:05:10 PM
APARTMENT for RENT

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
the night with her for $500.  They did their thing,
and, before he left, he told her that he did
not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
done, realizing that the whole event had not been
worth the price.  So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:


 



'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your
apartment .  I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the place, I was under the
impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the check for $250 with the following note:


 



'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlady... !! 
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 26, 2010, 03:50:28 AM
 whistle:

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=927.0

PS It is worth clicking the link to see Degsy's avatart again....  redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 27, 2010, 12:01:59 AM
whistle:

[url]http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=927.0[/url]

PS It is worth clicking the link to see Degsy's avatart again....  redface:


Please accept my apologies, I have only been in here for half a pint so far!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 27, 2010, 04:05:54 AM
whistle:

[url]http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=927.0[/url]

PS It is worth clicking the link to see Degsy's avatart again....  redface:


Please accept my apologies, I have only been in here for half a pint so far!


You need to stop sucking down that scrumpy in Pafos every night then!  ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 27, 2010, 05:05:15 AM
That is the only thing that keeps me going.

Give me another one please BM.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 27, 2010, 05:43:20 AM
Sure...

 eastdrink048
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 27, 2010, 05:32:26 PM
A little boy was waiting  for his mother to come out of the local shop. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can
you tell me where the Post Office  is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just  go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."
Terry thanked  the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new vicar in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a  chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even  know the way to the Post Office, you wanker"         
   
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on October 27, 2010, 05:50:23 PM
Got myself a new puppy today.  He's mainly black and brown with a small white area, so i've called him Bradford.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 27, 2010, 06:28:37 PM
 doh:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 28, 2010, 04:52:48 AM
A little boy was waiting  for his mother to come out of the local shop. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can
you tell me where the Post Office  is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just  go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."
Terry thanked  the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new vicar in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a  chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even  know the way to the Post Office, you wanker"         
   


happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 28, 2010, 04:53:06 AM
Got myself a new puppy today.  He's mainly black and brown with a small white area, so i've called him Bradford.

 ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on October 31, 2010, 10:38:34 AM
Go to Google Maps

Get Directions

From: Japan
To: China

Then see instruction No. 43

 whistle: whistle: whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 31, 2010, 10:47:52 AM
Go to Google Maps

Get Directions

From: Japan
To: China

Then see instruction No. 43

 whistle: whistle: whistle:


Quote
Jet ski across the Pacific Ocean
  ;D

I think it does the same thing if you try to get from the 'States to Europe...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 08, 2010, 11:42:07 AM
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.  This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on November 08, 2010, 11:50:21 AM
An oldie but goody!  ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 08, 2010, 01:56:40 PM
DARWIN AWARDS 2010

Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when The Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious Winner:

    1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California , would-be robber, James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked !

And now, the Honourable Mentions:

    2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The claim was approved.

    3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

    4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a near by bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

    5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an on coming train. When asked how he received the wounds he said he was trying to see how close he could get his head to a  moving train before he was hit.

    6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15.
    (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

    7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

    8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID .. to which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

    9. The Ann Arbour News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

    ******A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****

    10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on November 08, 2010, 02:19:59 PM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 08, 2010, 06:19:57 PM
    4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a near by bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

    10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


I particulalrly liked those two
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on November 11, 2010, 09:23:52 PM
.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1dCcCdzeJo


Oh this had us laughing at work yesterday.  ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on November 11, 2010, 09:32:52 PM
.
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1dCcCdzeJo[/url]


Oh this had us laughing at work yesterday.  ;D


Was that on your site? Is that your handbag?... eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 12, 2010, 05:52:35 AM
.
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1dCcCdzeJo[/url]


Oh this had us laughing at work yesterday.  ;D


 lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on November 12, 2010, 08:18:39 AM
.
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1dCcCdzeJo[/url]


Oh this had us laughing at work yesterday.  ;D


Was that on your site? Is that your handbag?... eeek:



Was that your truncheon?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 12, 2010, 08:38:45 AM
A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.  They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.  Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
 
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.   Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.    The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.
 
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't.   He just walked in."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 13, 2010, 06:57:05 AM
A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.  They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.  Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
 
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.   Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.    The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.
 
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't.   He just walked in."


 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 14, 2010, 09:33:15 AM
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after

And  house her neighbor's male dog while they were away on holiday. 

 

She had a  large house and believed that she could keep them apart,

But as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and

Moaning sounds.  She rushed downstair found the dogs locked together,

In obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens

When they mate.
 
 Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next,

She called the vet, although it was  late.  The vet answered in a very

Grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said.

 "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.

 I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make

the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."
 
 "Do you think that will work?" she asked.
 
 "It just worked for me" he replied.

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 14, 2010, 11:42:50 AM
AFFS!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 14, 2010, 11:46:43 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 15, 2010, 11:26:04 PM
Indian builder killed in roof collapse during the construction of the stage for Lionel Richie........


                                                                                                                                                                                                          The site foreman said "the last thing I saw was Dan Singh on the ceiling"....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 16, 2010, 06:09:57 AM
Indian builder killed in roof collapse during the construction of the stage for Lionel Richie........


                                                                                                                                                                                                          The site foreman said "the last thing I saw was Dan Singh on the ceiling"....

Oh dear...  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 16, 2010, 01:09:22 PM
Indian builder killed in roof collapse during the construction of the stage for Lionel Richie........

Sounds more like a cowboy builder.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on November 17, 2010, 11:37:34 PM
Hello Mate.  Just a quick one... I've been offered 8 legs of venison for £40.  Is that too dear?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on November 17, 2010, 11:40:52 PM
You wont hear from me for a while, mate. Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables.... I gotta lilo.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 18, 2010, 12:43:10 AM
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered,
 

 

'Is that one word or two?
 

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 18, 2010, 07:33:40 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 18, 2010, 08:40:02 PM
I see that Kate Middleton is the first person to slip her finger into Dianas' ring since Dodi Al Fayed.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on November 18, 2010, 08:44:52 PM
I see that Kate Middleton is the first person to slip her finger into Dianas' ring since Dodi Al Fayed.


 happy001  happy001

 Oh apc...nonono: (that's what I usually get)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 19, 2010, 05:21:30 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 19, 2010, 07:13:07 AM
Kate goes to the Queen and says "Every time I suck Williams knob I get acid indegestion"

The Queen replies "Have you tried Andrews?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 19, 2010, 07:13:56 AM
Kate goes to the Queen and says "Every time I suck Williams knob I get acid indegestion"

The Queen replies "Have you tried Andrews?"

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 19, 2010, 07:16:23 AM
Why are parking spaces like girls at parties?

If you get there late the best ones are taken, so when no one is looking you stick it in the disabled one.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 19, 2010, 07:55:18 PM
Everyone seems to wondering why muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Let's have a look at the evidence:

No Christmas
No television
No nude women
No Football
No pork chops
No hotdogs
No burgers
No beer
No bacon
Rags for clothes
Towels for hats
Constant wailing from some wanker in a tower
More than one wife
More than one mother-in-law
You can't shave
Your wife can't shave
You can't wash off the smell of donkey
You wipe your arse with your hand
You cook over burning camel shit
Your wife is picked by someone else
Your wife smells worse than your donkey

Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"

No shit Sherlock! ..... It's not like it could get much fucking worse!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 19, 2010, 07:56:33 PM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on November 21, 2010, 07:35:24 PM
Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe.

After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor..

So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on -- and it was a perfect fit!

He asked how much he owed.

Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God there's no charge!......
...... However, may I ask for a small favour. Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses.

A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.

He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business!....
..... Would you consider a partnership?"

"Certainly," replied Jesus "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."

"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein.

"Finkelstein & Jesus... After all, I am the craftsman."

The two of them debated this for some time.

Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful -- and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop:

(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_RnRejIPRpAY/Su-BYCq13pI/AAAAAAAALqs/Qdb9MPREOX0/s400/Lord.bmp)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 21, 2010, 07:37:33 PM
NURSE!! THE VET!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 21, 2010, 07:38:32 PM
 tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on November 22, 2010, 09:37:04 PM
I was at the cashpoint today and a little old lady said to me
"Please could you help me check my balance dear"
"Of course I can" I replied. so I pushed her over!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 23, 2010, 05:18:51 AM
I was at the cashpoint today and a little old lady said to me
"Please could you help me check my balance dear"
"Of course I can" I replied. so I pushed her over!

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 23, 2010, 01:16:01 PM
The Old Flame


 
 
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
 

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.


 I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".


"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.


"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".



"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
 

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
 

She teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.


Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
 







So I told her to fuck off.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 23, 2010, 01:17:30 PM
The Old Flame


 
 
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
 

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.


 I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".


"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.


"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".



"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
 

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
 

She teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.


Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
 







So I told her to fuck off.


 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 23, 2010, 04:53:17 PM

(http://s1.postimage.org/16ruz6pms/TSA_Stickers_A.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/16ruz6pms/)

(http://s1.postimage.org/16s38vg3o/TSA_STickers_B.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/16s38vg3o/)

(http://s1.postimage.org/16sjs8x1g/TSA_Stickers_C.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/16sjs8x1g/)

(http://s1.postimage.org/16ta8ugxw/TSA_Stickers_D.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/16ta8ugxw/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 23, 2010, 04:55:19 PM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on November 23, 2010, 04:56:52 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
The Smiles on the face of a frequent traveller  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on November 23, 2010, 10:13:06 PM
I have just come out the chip shop eating a pie, a tramp was sat on the floor outside and said "I've had nothing to eat for days".

I said "Bleddy Hell...I wish I had your willpower"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 24, 2010, 04:56:10 AM
I have just come out the chip shop eating a pie, a tramp was sat on the floor outside and said "I've had nothing to eat for days".

I said "Bleddy Hell...I wish I had your willpower"

 drumroll:  lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 25, 2010, 05:31:30 PM
I got a slap from a woman at my cookery class last night............





........I only asked if she'd like to try my pork in cider.... 
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 25, 2010, 06:12:21 PM
doh:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 27, 2010, 01:21:10 PM
Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night

The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friend's. None of them knew about it.


Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night.

The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The woman called her husband's 10 best friend's.

Eight of them had confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 27, 2010, 01:28:15 PM
So true  razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 27, 2010, 01:37:20 PM
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on November 27, 2010, 03:45:55 PM
So true indeed Mr Nick.

When my ex found out I'd slept with at least two of her friends she suggested "Get some bloody friends of your own!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 29, 2010, 11:31:19 PM
So true indeed Mr Nick.

When my ex found out I'd slept with at least two of her friends she suggested "Get some bloody friends of your own!"
They could have not been very good friends of her.  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 29, 2010, 11:56:02 PM
So true indeed Mr Nick.

When my ex found out I'd slept with at least two of her friends she suggested "Get some bloody friends of your own!"
They could have not been very good friends of her.  whistle:

Pair of dogs ..............???????????????? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 30, 2010, 12:01:52 AM
Bitches
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 30, 2010, 06:09:06 AM
So true indeed Mr Nick.

When my ex found out I'd slept with at least two of her friends she suggested "Get some bloody friends of your own!"
They could have not been very good friends of her.  whistle:

And the problem is?  ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 30, 2010, 07:02:19 AM
So true indeed Mr Nick.

When my ex found out I'd slept with at least two of her friends she suggested "Get some bloody friends of your own!"
They could have not been very good friends of her.  whistle:

And the problem is?  ;)
They spilled the beans possibly. ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 01, 2010, 01:14:29 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9a8jGVXOMsw&feature=player_embedded

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 01, 2010, 04:29:26 PM
The Stud
     

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
       St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down.
       You will have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. 
       What'll it be?"
       The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains ."
       "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
       The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of  this week 'count' St. Peter?" "

       No I told you the computer's down, There's no way we can keep track of what you are doing."
       In that case" says the second priest, I've always wanted to be a stud.
       "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
       A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
       "Will you have any trouble locating them? he asks.
       "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter,
       "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles.
        But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
       “Why?” asks the Lord.
       "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Saskatchewan"

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 01, 2010, 04:32:39 PM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 03, 2010, 10:10:39 AM
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girl friend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves.

His sister bought a £20 pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped in a parcel with the following letter


**************************




Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my Love, Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 03, 2010, 11:44:43 AM
Because of all the snow and ice the government are worried about kids playing on the roads..........



To scare them off they are they've bought out a new machine called the 'Gary Gritter'...........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 03, 2010, 11:49:34 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 03, 2010, 08:02:58 PM
(http://s2.postimage.org/2ail6h19g/jews_1.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/2ail6h19g/)



Maybe the woodpeckers weren't the best idea
(http://s2.postimage.org/2airsmf8k/woodpecker.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/2airsmf8k/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 03, 2010, 09:24:52 PM
Guy meets a fat girl at a disco. He chats her up, they get on well, so at the end of the evening she asks him back to her flat. He’s not too sure because she is a bit on the large side he but he thinks what the hell. Back at her place they go upstairs and get down to the business. He climbs on top. After a while he says would it be ‘OK if we turned off the light’.

She gets all uptight. ‘You’re just like all the other blokes I meet. Every bloke wants to screw me but nobody wants to look at me because I’m so fat’.

‘No its not that’ says the bloke, ‘its just that the bulb is burning my arse'



Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 03, 2010, 09:28:17 PM
The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply., so they brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, they said, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side.

"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?”


“The Vet replied, with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Wales .."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 04, 2010, 04:48:43 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 04, 2010, 08:34:05 AM
The English couple held ransom in Somalia are to release a DVD next week detailing their horrific ordeal, price £19.99. 
I think I'll wait for the pirate copy....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 04, 2010, 08:40:38 AM
The English couple held ransom in Somalia are to release a DVD next week detailing their horrific ordeal, price £19.99. 
I think I'll wait for the pirate copy....

 drumroll:  lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on December 04, 2010, 08:48:25 AM
The English couple held ransom in Somalia are to release a DVD next week detailing their horrific ordeal, price £19.99. 


Blimey ...that costs an arm and a leg
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on December 04, 2010, 12:31:09 PM
Wont be a patch on the real thing
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 04, 2010, 04:37:14 PM
Went to a fancy dress shop looking for a Dracula costume.

The shop assistant pointed across the road to the Spurs shop.

"No no no" I say " You misheard me, I want to dress like a COUNT!!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 05, 2010, 05:44:11 PM
The correct Insurance Companies of sex....

Sex with your wife - Legal and General,

Sex with your future wife - Mutual Trust,

Sex with your secretary - Employer's Liability,

Sex with a prostitute - Commercal Union,

Sex on the phone - Direct Line,

Sex with your biographer - Quote me Happy,

Sex in a hurry - Insure & Go,

Sex with your boyfriend - Standard Life,

Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com

Sex with someone different - Go Compare.com
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on December 05, 2010, 05:47:58 PM
Quote me Happy ... tee hee  lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 05, 2010, 05:55:56 PM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 05, 2010, 06:02:54 PM
 lol: lol:

I am pleased to hear it has kept up with the times.

When I first heard it in the 60's it was just the first four.  whistle:

May I also suggest:-

Sex with twins - Go Compare! ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 05, 2010, 06:07:24 PM
lol: lol:

I am pleased to hear it has kept up with the times.

When I first heard it in the 60's it was just the first four.  whistle:

May I also suggest:-

Sex with twins - Go Compare! ;)

 drumroll:

Sec with Father Christmas - Santa dare...  redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 05, 2010, 06:08:36 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 05, 2010, 06:14:17 PM
Sex with your sister - Norwich Union
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on December 05, 2010, 06:17:59 PM
Sex with your sister - Norwich Union

 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 05, 2010, 06:26:08 PM
Weather man said the temperature is going to drop really low tonight and everyone should check on the elderly and senile....










are you all OK?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on December 05, 2010, 06:28:16 PM
Sex with a sheep

National Farmers Union
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on December 05, 2010, 06:36:45 PM
Group sex, Swingers Clubs etc

More Th>n
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 05, 2010, 07:01:39 PM
Sex with a prostrate dog...

Bark lays...  redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 05, 2010, 07:02:16 PM
Sex with a prostrate dog...

Bark lays...  redface:

or Churchill
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 05, 2010, 07:03:49 PM
Sex with a prostrate dog...

Bark lays...  redface:

or Churchill

doh:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 05, 2010, 07:05:22 PM
Sex with Any Cap's wife after her hysterectomy...

Flo-Op  redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 06, 2010, 07:32:25 PM
I really should have made my new Facebook status, "I have blown the head gasket on my 1997 Ford automobile"



 rather than, "I've just f**ked a 13 year old escort!"...........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 06, 2010, 07:39:17 PM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 08, 2010, 09:34:29 AM
SANTA CLAUS:

1. Wears red...

2. Good at breaking into houses...

3. Has loads of electrical goods that nobody can trace...

4. Drives an unlicensed vehicle...

5. Only does one day's work a year...


Lapland my arse!

He is a fucking Black Scouser!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 08, 2010, 09:46:27 AM
One thing about blokes from Scotland is that their hearts and humour are in the right place! 


George Steel, a City Councillor from Glasgow, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.


His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

'If hooking up one rag head terrorist's testicles to a car battery gets the truth out of the lying little camel shagger to save just one Scottish soldiers life, then I have only three things to say, Red is positive, Black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet.'
 

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on December 08, 2010, 10:24:02 AM
I soooooooooo hope that is a true story  lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 08, 2010, 10:32:20 AM
I soooooooooo hope that is a true story  lol:

I believe it is , was on "have I got news for you".........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 09, 2010, 12:09:30 PM
These rules of thumb are followed by those who survive the military and go on to other vocations.

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Army Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S.M.C. Training Bulletin

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Literature.

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantryman's Journal

"A slipping trigger gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's Magazine of Preventive Maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantryman's Journal

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance Manual

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantryman's Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantryman's Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." - Anon Naval brass

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 09, 2010, 12:23:25 PM
 lol: lol: lol:

I loved this one: -

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance Manual
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 11, 2010, 08:01:19 AM
A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 11, 2010, 08:05:13 AM
 drumroll:  lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 11, 2010, 11:58:57 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5wNafq4v-E&has_verified=1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5wNafq4v-E&has_verified=1)
 eyes:


Perhaps the pub laydees could re enact this at the Christmas Party  rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 11, 2010, 12:51:49 PM
And not a flat note between them
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 11, 2010, 02:53:52 PM
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5wNafq4v-E&has_verified=1[/url] ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5wNafq4v-E&has_verified=1[/url])
 eyes:


Perhaps the pub laydees could re enact this at the Christmas Party  rubschin:


We'd be missing a few notes....  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 13, 2010, 03:17:12 PM
Shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on December 13, 2010, 03:49:34 PM
Shrugs:

 happy100   Might have been the Frankie Boyle joke, I don't know  rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 13, 2010, 03:51:04 PM
Shrugs:

 happy100   Might have been the Frankie Boyle joke, I don't know  rubschin:


Lost on me... but then most things are...  redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 13, 2010, 06:49:45 PM
Shrugs:

 happy100   Might have been the Frankie Boyle joke, I don't know  rubschin:


It wasn't the one Frankie Boyle told, but in a similar vein
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on December 13, 2010, 11:27:56 PM
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5wNafq4v-E&has_verified=1[/url] ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5wNafq4v-E&has_verified=1[/url])
 eyes:


Perhaps the pub laydees could re enact this at the Christmas Party  rubschin:


http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=8838.0  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 14, 2010, 07:00:15 AM
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5wNafq4v-E&has_verified=1[/url] ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5wNafq4v-E&has_verified=1[/url])
 eyes:


Perhaps the pub laydees could re enact this at the Christmas Party  rubschin:


[url]http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=8838.0 [/url] whistle:


Well done The Affs - I knew I'd seen it before but couldn't find it...  ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 14, 2010, 07:08:48 AM
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5wNafq4v-E&has_verified=1[/url] ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5wNafq4v-E&has_verified=1[/url])
 eyes:


Perhaps the pub laydees could re enact this at the Christmas Party  rubschin:


[url]http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=8838.0 [/url] whistle:


It is not saved under favourites .. whistle:

Well done The Affs - I knew I'd seen it before but couldn't find it...  ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 14, 2010, 07:31:37 AM
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5wNafq4v-E&has_verified=1[/url] ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5wNafq4v-E&has_verified=1[/url])
 eyes:


Perhaps the pub laydees could re enact this at the Christmas Party  rubschin:


[url]http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=8838.0 [/url] whistle:




Well done The Affs - I knew I'd seen it before but couldn't find it...  ;D

It is not saved under favourites .. whistle:


 noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on December 14, 2010, 06:07:27 PM
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5wNafq4v-E&has_verified=1[/url] ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5wNafq4v-E&has_verified=1[/url])
 eyes:


Perhaps the pub laydees could re enact this at the Christmas Party  rubschin:


[url]http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=8838.0 [/url] whistle:




Well done The Affs - I knew I'd seen it before but couldn't find it...  ;D

It is not saved under favourites .. whistle:


 noooo:


LL wouldnt let him...  lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 15, 2010, 02:48:03 PM
The ideal Christmas gift:

A Labrador puppy with a congenital heart defect.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 15, 2010, 02:52:53 PM
The ideal Christmas gift:

A Labrador puppy with a congenital heart defect.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 15, 2010, 03:08:46 PM
 sad32: sad32: sad32: sad32:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 19, 2010, 08:41:27 AM
The Co-Op ran out of milk again because of the bad weather.

Thankfully Doreen, my elderly neighbour has loads of it piled up at her front door.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 19, 2010, 08:50:39 AM
The Co-Op ran out of milk again because of the bad weather.

Thankfully Doreen, my elderly neighbour has loads of it piled up at her front door.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 19, 2010, 05:17:04 PM
The Co-Op ran out of milk again because of the bad weather.

Thankfully Doreen, my elderly neighbour has loads of it piled up at her front door.
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 21, 2010, 08:00:02 AM
It is rumoured that Yoko Ono will be appearing in the next "I'm a celebrity get me out of here". She should have a goood chance of winning it, she's been living off a dead beatle for the last 30 years  redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 21, 2010, 08:04:54 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 21, 2010, 10:49:45 AM
It is rumoured that Yoko Ono will be appearing in the next "I'm a celebrity get me out of here". She should have a goood chance of winning it, she's been living off a dead beatle for the last 30 years  redface:

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 21, 2010, 08:56:26 PM
BAD Parrot
 
A  young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse  vocabulary.

Everything that came out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
 
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.  The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.


For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
 
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
 
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

 

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
 
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
 
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird asked, very softly, 

 

 

 

"May I ask what the turkey did?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on December 21, 2010, 09:01:18 PM
or what it didn't...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 21, 2010, 09:04:37 PM
BAD Parrot
 
A  young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse  vocabulary.

Everything that came out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
 
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.  The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.


For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
 
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
 
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

 

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
 
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
 
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird asked, very softly, 

 

 

 

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

 lol: lol: lol:

(C) Dave Allen, 1973...  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 21, 2010, 09:31:43 PM
And your point is? ........................ evil:     
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 21, 2010, 09:53:40 PM
And your point is? ........................ evil:     

You have an old box? Shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 21, 2010, 11:35:36 PM
And your point is? ........................ evil:     

You have an old box? Shrugs:
Spank2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 22, 2010, 05:16:59 AM
And your point is? ........................ evil:     

You have an old box? Shrugs:


 happy001

.... but it was 'Fresh from the Inbox'.  smile:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 22, 2010, 07:10:14 AM
And your point is? ........................ evil:     

You have an old box? Shrugs:


 happy001

.... but it was 'Fresh from the Inbox'.  smile:

You should clean it out more often then...  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 22, 2010, 07:35:29 AM
Or get someone in  redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 22, 2010, 08:44:59 AM
Or get someone in  redface:

Get a man in like?  rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 22, 2010, 08:58:52 AM
The missus suggested we use some toys in the bedroom to spice things up a bit.

She was not too impressed, the ungrateful bitch......2 hours that scalextric took me to set up!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on December 22, 2010, 09:21:31 AM
Prolly too used to your 00 Gauge to be impressed by anything else.  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 22, 2010, 11:36:52 AM
Prolly too used to your 00 Gauge to be impressed by anything else.  whistle:

"N" gauge I heard  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 22, 2010, 01:36:59 PM
I'm sick of the double standards in my relationship!

The wife comes home with a 'rampant rabbit' and she is a naughty fun girl with a special new toy.

But when I order a 240 volt 'fistmaster 5000' with a 'latex pussy and a realistic elasticated arsehole together with a spunk collection tray', then I am some kind of sick bastard!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 22, 2010, 01:40:29 PM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 22, 2010, 02:12:07 PM
Or get someone in  redface:

Get a man in like?  rubschin:
Or get someone in  redface:

Get a man in like?  rubschin:

Do either of you two wear long trousers yet?  Or are you both too young, wait till Miss C arrives.. you're gonna be on the naughty step.  cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 22, 2010, 02:13:30 PM
All men get stuck at about 7 years old. We get bigger but our brains remain the same. Wimmin should learn this  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 22, 2010, 02:14:29 PM
All men get stuck at about 7 years old. We get bigger but our brains remain the same. Wimmin should learn this  noooo:

[snigger] Oh....  redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 22, 2010, 05:53:32 PM
All men get stuck at about 7 years old. We get bigger but our brains remain the same. Wimmin should learn this  noooo:

[snigger] Oh....  redface:


Oh Barman.    noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 22, 2010, 06:58:11 PM
Just got home and all the windows and doors were open, everything gone!!
 

 

What kind of sicko does that to someone’s advent calendar!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 22, 2010, 06:59:28 PM
All men get stuck at about 7 years old. We get bigger but our brains remain the same. Wimmin should learn this  noooo:

[snigger] Oh....  redface:


Oh Barman.    noooo:

 redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 27, 2010, 06:45:07 PM
Not from the Inbox, but heard on the radio earlier when discussing the end of Day one in the cricket, "Can anybody tell me why so many Australians wents to the cricket in fancy dress dressed as empty plastic seats" [snigger]
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 28, 2010, 12:42:27 AM
Not from the Inbox, but heard on the radio earlier when discussing the end of Day one in the cricket, "Can anybody tell me why so many Australians wents to the cricket in fancy dress dressed as empty plastic seats" [snigger]
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 28, 2010, 09:54:33 AM
A true mystery from a firend::

The following tale was told to me by friends who we visited yesterday in a little village about 20 miles from Cambridge.

 

On Boxing Day, an elderly but still feisty female neighbour of theirs had been returning from her morning constitutional when she spotted a plastic bag on the footpath near her front gate.  Thinking it was litter, she stooped to pick it up to put it in her bin, but then realised that it wasn’t empty.  On inspection she discovered its contents to be:

·         6 cheese rolls

·         1 large dildo

 

Somewhat nonplussed by this find, she hurried indoors with the bag to think what to do about it.  Over a restorative cup of tea, and after due consideration, she decided to put the – quite fresh – cheese rolls in her fridge, and to add the dildo to the pile of jumble that she’d just sorted to donate to the Salvation Army.

 
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on December 29, 2010, 12:34:06 PM
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. The woman in the pub have read this entire text. The men are still looking at their thumb...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 30, 2010, 05:49:46 AM
I have just had a letter back from Srewfix...

They said they regretted but had to inform me that they were not actually a dating agency!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 30, 2010, 07:40:11 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 30, 2010, 10:39:35 AM
I have just had a letter back from Srewfix...

They said they regretted but had to inform me that they were not actually a dating agency!

Nick was also unhappy with his purchase from Shrewfix.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 30, 2010, 02:28:43 PM
 ;D

 Annoying innit  (http://ajanlo.kapu.hu/video/post.php?id=965g9309223cd020a488)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on December 30, 2010, 02:52:36 PM
Very! I hate it when the sub titles are in foreign.  evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 30, 2010, 03:06:12 PM
;D

 Annoying innit  ([url]http://ajanlo.kapu.hu/video/post.php?id=965g9309223cd020a488[/url])


happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on December 30, 2010, 05:42:26 PM
Must be one of your better sites JOM...no pop ups inviting me to a good fvck in Gloucester...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 30, 2010, 05:44:15 PM
Must be one of your better sites JOM...no pop ups inviting me to a good fvck in Gloucester...


 happy100
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 30, 2010, 05:53:49 PM
Do not go on youtube and look for "Russian Singer Eduard Khil Dub"  cos 1.87 million have so far  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 30, 2010, 05:58:38 PM
 shutup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 30, 2010, 06:00:36 PM
You did didn't you  point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 30, 2010, 09:17:00 PM
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Sorry is a bit early but I suffer from premature congratulation.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on December 30, 2010, 09:21:29 PM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 30, 2010, 09:49:27 PM
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Sorry is a bit early but I suffer from premature congratulation.

So many threads are heading gutterwards these days  noooo: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 30, 2010, 10:19:36 PM
That's a good thing for some of us them
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 30, 2010, 10:38:04 PM
There's been a big fight in the biscuit tin.  A Bandit called Rocky, who was Crackers, hit a Penguin over the head with a Club, tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Riband and made his Breakaway in a Taxi.  Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight by a Viscount from Maryland, Hobnobbing with a Ginger Nut, and 2 accomplices, one known as Gary Baldi, and the other known only to the Police as Rich T.  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 31, 2010, 07:33:06 AM
There's been a big fight in the biscuit tin.  A Bandit called Rocky, who was Crackers, hit a Penguin over the head with a Club, tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Riband and made his Breakaway in a Taxi.  Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight by a Viscount from Maryland, Hobnobbing with a Ginger Nut, and 2 accomplices, one known as Gary Baldi, and the other known only to the Police as Rich T.  whistle:


 noooo:

You should have stopped with premature congratulation...  ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 31, 2010, 08:05:23 AM
There's been a big fight in the biscuit tin.  A Bandit called Rocky, who was Crackers, hit a Penguin over the head with a Club, tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Riband and made his Breakaway in a Taxi.  Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight by a Viscount from Maryland, Hobnobbing with a Ginger Nut, and 2 accomplices, one known as Gary Baldi, and the other known only to the Police as Rich T.  whistle:


 noooo:

You should have stopped with premature congratulation...  ::)

Bobby Davro just told that one on the telly. It will come as no surprise that Tipsy's delivery of it was far superior
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 31, 2010, 08:06:02 AM
There's been a big fight in the biscuit tin.  A Bandit called Rocky, who was Crackers, hit a Penguin over the head with a Club, tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Riband and made his Breakaway in a Taxi.  Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight by a Viscount from Maryland, Hobnobbing with a Ginger Nut, and 2 accomplices, one known as Gary Baldi, and the other known only to the Police as Rich T.  whistle:


 noooo:

You should have stopped with premature congratulation...  ::)

Bobby Davro just told that one on the telly. It will come as no surprise that Tipsy's delivery of it was far superior

Creep...  ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 31, 2010, 08:14:34 AM
Yeah, he makes me feel that way too... O, I C  redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 31, 2010, 08:16:12 AM
Yeah, he makes me feel that way too... O, I C  redface:

 lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 31, 2010, 12:27:07 PM
Yeah, he makes me feel that way too... O, I C  redface:

You have to admit he has done well since his days in a wheelchair on Dr Who.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 31, 2010, 12:31:03 PM
Yeah, he makes me feel that way too... O, I C  redface:

You have to admit he has done well since his days in a wheelchair on Dr Who.

 drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 31, 2010, 04:58:38 PM
There's been a big fight in the biscuit tin.  A Bandit called Rocky, who was Crackers, hit a Penguin over the head with a Club, tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Riband and made his Breakaway in a Taxi.  Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight by a Viscount from Maryland, Hobnobbing with a Ginger Nut, and 2 accomplices, one known as Gary Baldi, and the other known only to the Police as Rich T.  whistle:


 noooo:

You should have stopped with premature congratulation...  ::)

And you should shut up!   evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 31, 2010, 06:02:17 PM
There's been a big fight in the biscuit tin.  A Bandit called Rocky, who was Crackers, hit a Penguin over the head with a Club, tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Riband and made his Breakaway in a Taxi.  Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight by a Viscount from Maryland, Hobnobbing with a Ginger Nut, and 2 accomplices, one known as Gary Baldi, and the other known only to the Police as Rich T.  whistle:


 noooo:

You should have stopped with premature congratulation...  ::)

And you should shut up!   evil:

Ooohhhhhhh...... Get you!  Gayer:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 31, 2010, 08:07:23 PM
SHe seems a bit tetchy  Maybe the eldest has finally come out, like. ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 31, 2010, 08:11:01 PM
SHe seems a bit tetchy  Maybe the eldest has finally come out, like. ;)

I 'spec so...  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 31, 2010, 09:02:00 PM
 evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 01, 2011, 05:49:19 AM
evil:

happy100
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on January 01, 2011, 09:35:38 AM
 rubschin:  You still drunk?  Must be.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 01, 2011, 09:38:21 AM
rubschin:  You still drunk?  Must be.

Oh noes... honest...  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on January 01, 2011, 12:31:23 PM
But you were being nice to me?  rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 01, 2011, 02:56:32 PM
But you were being nice to me?  rubschin:

Oh yes...  cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 06, 2011, 01:06:58 PM
BBC News: Police search for missing sock...........



I've got loads missing, but when I called the police to find them they told me to 'Fuck off!'.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 06, 2011, 01:13:25 PM
BBC News: Police search for missing sock...........



I've got loads missing, but when I called the police to find them they told me to 'Fuck off!'.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on January 06, 2011, 01:15:27 PM
He doesn't need a policeman ~ he needs one of these to sniff out his lost socks
(http://geekologie.com/2007/04/mouse-mouse.jpg)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 07, 2011, 07:57:26 AM
Police are looking for Joanna's murderer who stole one of her socks.....

Am I the only one thinking 'Heather Mills'?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 07, 2011, 08:11:59 AM
Police are looking for Joanna's murderer who stole one of her socks.....

Am I the only one thinking 'Heather Mills'?

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on January 08, 2011, 11:16:08 AM
NEW  TAX CODE!

The only thing that Revenue has not taxed yet is the male penis.  This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed.  10% of the time it is hard up.  20% of the time it is pissed off.  1% of the time it is in a hole.  On top of that it has two dependents and they are both nuts.  HOWEVER, effective January 1st 2011, the penis will be taxed according to size.  The brackets are as follows:
10” – 12”  Luxury tax  € 300
8” – 10” Pole tax €250
5” – 8” Privilege tax €150
3” – 5” Nuisance tax €30
Males exceeding 12” must file capital gains.  Anyone under 3” is eligible for a tax refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 08, 2011, 11:30:50 AM
Mr Thread? Have you met Mr Gutter?  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on January 08, 2011, 11:42:56 AM
 lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 10, 2011, 10:04:14 AM

Q.. What do you call an Aussie who can hold a catch?

A.. A fisherman

 
Q.. What's the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies?

A.. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball

 
 

Ring Ring......

“Hello - Australian team dressing room”

“Hello mate...Can I speak to Ricky Ponting please?”

“Sorry mate -  he's just gone out to bat...”

“It's OK - I'll hold....”

 

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An Australian batsman putting on sunscreen.
 
Q. What would Jimmy Anderson be if he was Australian?
A. An all rounder.
 
Q. What is the main function of the Australian coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.
 
Q. Why don't Australian fielders need pre tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.
 
Q. What's the Australian version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.
 
Q. What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Ponting?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.
 
Q. Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
 
Q. What do Australian batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come
from.
 
Q. Why are Australian cricketers cleverer than Houdini?
A. Because they can get out without even trying.
 
Q. What does Steve Smith put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost
always takes a wicket?
A. A bat

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 10, 2011, 11:11:54 AM
 lol: lol: lol:

Keep them coming!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 10, 2011, 07:19:30 PM
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy bitch busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on January 10, 2011, 07:55:31 PM
 lol: lol: lol: lol:

I must send that last one to my water supplier.  lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 11, 2011, 05:52:58 AM
 lol: lol: lol:

Especially: -

Quote
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: beerhead on January 12, 2011, 09:22:57 AM
Being sexually unappealing and eating crap food will ensure Pandas fit right in, say Scots
 
After two Pandas were secured by Edinburgh Zoo, experts predicted that their lack of physical appeal to the opposite sex, appearing perpetually drunk, and a preference for food with little nutritional value will ensure they feel right at home in Scotland.

Tian Tian and Yangguang’s move to the zoo will be the culmination of five years of intense political and diplomatic negotiation, during which no-one from the UK appeared to realise that Pandas are essentially a rubbish animal.

Scottish tax payer Graham Lambert said, “They live in the green jungle yet evolved to be black and white, and spend their days sat on their arses eating tonnes of the least nutritious food available for miles. They’re absolutely rubbish, yet seemingly already Scottish.”

“I’m extremely annoyed that we’re going to spend all this money on Pandas to sit around all day eating shit food, looking drunk and not having sex.  I regularly do that for free. I didn’t even realise funding was available.”

Pandas at Edinburgh Zoo
Zoologists insist the moved will be an important step in continuing a global breeding programmes designed to see Pandas thrive for generations to come.

“If we can get Pandas on to a healthy diet of food that is actually good for them, then maybe we can get Scottish people to do the same.  That’s the dream.”

Experienced consumer Patrick Colthart said the reason for the Pandas ongoing struggle to survive was very straight forward.

“I’ll tell you why they’re dying out, it’s because Pandas taste like shite.”

“Let’s be clear about it, if Pandas were delicious you wouldn’t be able to move for all the Panda farms all over the place.”

“It’s no surprise that another useless black and white animal, the cow, thrives in our country. It’s because they’re incredibly appetising.”

“I’m not saying that the production and consumption of that first Panda burger won’t be without its challenges – I imagine it will annoy quite a few people – but if they turn out to be delicious it will secure their ongoing survival for a thousand years.”

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 12, 2011, 09:29:37 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 13, 2011, 06:40:43 PM
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes









HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring alcohol
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 13, 2011, 06:52:44 PM
A few more Aussie ones

The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting.
They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!

Whets the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?
A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes.

Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day?
Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky Ponting: You lads can bat.
Just as quick, Ponting replied: No, we cant. We really cant.

Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease?
The woman who irons their cricket whites.

What's the height of optimism? An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.

Why did the Aussie break his leg throwing a ball?
He forgot it was chained to his foot.

What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?
Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.

What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
The entire Australian innings.

Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini?
Because he can get out without even trying.

What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly going to be a wicket?
A bat.

What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
A vacant lot.

Why do Australians call their favourite drink XXXX?
Because they cant spell beer.

Why cant Australian blokes take their girlfriends to the cricket?
They eat all the grass.

What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Heard the one about the Englishman who was stopped by Australian immigration officers at Sydney airport?
They asked him if he had a criminal record.
He replied: I didn't know it was still necessary.

What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix?
At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.       
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 13, 2011, 07:27:42 PM
I was working late in the Carphone Warehouse last night when i received this text message from my girlfriend:

 

Babe,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphonewhenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative

 

As I eagerly rushed home I couldn't help but wonder...what does ternative mean?

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 13, 2011, 07:30:11 PM
Dear God,
My resolution for 2011 is a big, fat bank account and a slim body.

Please don't get the two mixed up like you did last year.

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 13, 2011, 07:36:22 PM
I was working late in the Carphone Warehouse last night when i received this text message from my girlfriend:

 

Babe,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphonewhenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative

 

As I eagerly rushed home I couldn't help but wonder...what does ternative mean?



 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 14, 2011, 08:45:35 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 14, 2011, 07:29:59 PM
I went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse.

Do you think I should change my dentist?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on January 15, 2011, 09:51:16 AM
Wife helping husband set up computer. 

For the password, hubby types MYPENIS -

wife fell off chair laughing when pc replied



PASSWORD REJECTED - NOT LONG ENOUGH
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 15, 2011, 10:38:27 AM
 noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 15, 2011, 10:50:30 AM
 noooo: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 15, 2011, 09:18:13 PM
Two Irish hunters from Dublin hired a pilot to fly them to England to hunt Deer. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three Deer.



The two Paddys objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six Deer and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."



Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.



Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreck, Pat asked Shaun, "Any idea where we are?"



Shaun replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."



Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 16, 2011, 06:05:48 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on January 16, 2011, 11:49:23 AM
Got a d.v.d. From my mate ,  called Bald and barely legal, What a disappointment, when i put it on,  it was a tyre safety video !!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 16, 2011, 11:53:37 AM
Got a d.v.d. From my mate ,  called Bald and barely legal, What a disappointment, when i put it on,  it was a tyre safety video !!


Same thing happened to me read a report on Schinndler's list that said "get the tissues ready" had my trousers down and ..................................


 (well except the shower scene )...nothing redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 16, 2011, 01:24:48 PM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 17, 2011, 06:37:07 AM
 On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
 
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
 
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?".

"No," said the little boy.............."It's a puppy!"
 
 
 
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 17, 2011, 06:37:53 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 17, 2011, 08:33:56 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 17, 2011, 08:51:11 PM
A policeman in Adelaide pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic. He approached the car window and said "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyzer".
The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note. On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma.Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath".
The policeman said "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample"
The man produced another letter.
This one said:"This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way".
So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then".
The man produces a third letter from his pocket. It read:


"This man plays Cricket for Australia , please don't take the piss out of him"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 18, 2011, 06:46:21 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 18, 2011, 09:28:33 AM
Santa was winding down after a hectic December and said to the chief elf

"I'm fed up. Every year I put on this stupid red and white outfit, do all the work and end up with nothing!"

The elf replies

"Now you know how Steven Gerrard feels".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 18, 2011, 07:59:44 PM
One moment before death


(http://s2.postimage.org/f061r1r8/boat_naming.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/f061r1r8/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on January 18, 2011, 08:52:25 PM
One moment before death


([url]http://s2.postimage.org/f061r1r8/boat_naming.jpg[/url]) ([url]http://postimage.org/image/f061r1r8/[/url])



I think we need a new thread for this one .... "And that is when the fight started" would be a reasonable title I feel.

We may have done this before (in fact I'm sure we have) but it is a rich seam to be mined.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 18, 2011, 09:47:38 PM
One moment before death


([url]http://s2.postimage.org/f061r1r8/boat_naming.jpg[/url]) ([url]http://postimage.org/image/f061r1r8/[/url])



I think we need a new thread for this one .... "And that is when the fight started" would be a reasonable title I feel.

We may have done this before (in fact I'm sure we have) but it is a rich seam to be mined.


We have (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=5664.0) and you started it, but we'll leave that dusty old 'un and use your fresh 'un
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 19, 2011, 07:18:34 AM
One moment before death


([url]http://s2.postimage.org/f061r1r8/boat_naming.jpg[/url]) ([url]http://postimage.org/image/f061r1r8/[/url])



I think we need a new thread for this one .... "And that is when the fight started" would be a reasonable title I feel.

We may have done this before (in fact I'm sure we have) but it is a rich seam to be mined.


We have ([url]http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=5664.0[/url]) and you started it, but we'll leave that dusty old 'un and use your fresh 'un


The Affs! worthy:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 19, 2011, 11:09:53 AM
Word of advice ...............DO NOT shout in Tesco...............

I'd kill for a mozzarella, tomato and pesto pizza right now!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 19, 2011, 01:03:53 PM
Word of advice ...............DO NOT shout in Tesco...............

I'd kill for a mozzarella, tomato and pesto pizza right now!
noooo:

Put a sock in it APC.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 19, 2011, 08:04:44 PM
Apparantly, Gary Glitter wants to be the new Aston Villa manager, after he heard that their front line will be Young, Bent and possibly Keane
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 19, 2011, 09:41:39 PM
Apparantly, Gary Glitter wants to be the new Aston Villa manager, after he heard that their front line will be Young, Bent and possibly Keane

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 20, 2011, 08:13:24 PM
.
(http://s1.postimage.org/2n3k5uwxw/caveman.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/2n3k5uwxw/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 20, 2011, 08:21:59 PM
.
([url]http://s1.postimage.org/2n3k5uwxw/caveman.jpg[/url]) ([url]http://postimage.org/image/2n3k5uwxw/[/url])



(http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-laughing021.gif) (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on January 21, 2011, 07:24:34 AM
 noooo: noooo: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 21, 2011, 07:47:33 AM
noooo: noooo: noooo:

 point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 21, 2011, 08:49:09 PM
The teacher  gave her year five class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a  story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and,  one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the  regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the  teacher realised, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. 

‘Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes miss. My  daddy told me a story about my mummy. She was a RAF pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory,  and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. 

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't  break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi  troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,  killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed  the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the  horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this  horrible story?

“Don't fuck with Mommy when she's been  drinking."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 21, 2011, 08:55:15 PM
 ;D ;D ;D

You have the greatest box JOM!  redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on January 21, 2011, 08:56:28 PM
 2gayers:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 22, 2011, 07:22:06 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 22, 2011, 09:27:31 PM
Interesting job  (http://www.cwjobs.co.uk/JobSearch/JobDetails.aspx?JobId=49584616)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on January 22, 2011, 09:38:00 PM
Interesting job  ([url]http://www.cwjobs.co.uk/JobSearch/JobDetails.aspx?JobId=49584616[/url])


 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 22, 2011, 09:46:49 PM
The latest batch...

A woman had been on the game for years and finally settled down to get married . She was worried about the size of her 'bits' , so decided she would tell her new husband that she had caught it while cllimbing over a fence .
While making love with her new husband on their wedding night she thought evertyhing was going well until he asked ...
......Darling . How far across the field did you get before you realised you were snagged on the fence ?


The dog ran off tonight . I walked around the park looking for him for 20 minutes then gave up and went home without him . The missus said I should go out looking harder ...So I shaved my head and got a tattoo . Still couldn't find the dog though .


Whats all this about women been able to multi-task ? I just told the wife to sit down and shut up . Can she manage it ? Can she f**k.


I bought a memory stick for the wife . She hasn't forgotten my beer or meals since the first beating I gave her with it .


Thought for the day . Who picks up guide-dog poo ?


What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman ?
Iron Man is a superhero . Iron Woman is simply an instruction .


Investigations underway by the RSPCA after 11 donkeys from Liverpool were slaughtered in Blackpool.


What's the difference between Roy Hodgson and Kenny Dalglish ? Fook all by the looks of it .


I braked hard but still hit the car in front . A cute little blonde got out of the car i'd hit and said ' Ram me up the arris why don't ya ' . And that your honour is where the confusion began .


Bloke walks into the VP and orders two double vodkas . Barman asks if he has a bad day .
Bloke says 'Yeah . Just found out my younger brother is gay' .
Next day he is back in and asks for four double vodkas .
Barman enquires what's gone wrong this time .
Bloke says 'Just found out my elder brother is gay' .
Next day he is back in and asks for six double vodkas .
Barman says ' FKinell . Does anyone in your family like women?' .
To which the bloke replies ' Yes . My wife does' .


Bloke has an accident with a shotgun and gets a severe groin injury . After surgery the doctor tells him that although they have managed to salvage his penis there are still some problems with it ,and that he is going to refer him to his sister .
Bloke asks ' Is she a plastic surgeon ? ' .
Doc replies ' No . She plays the flute . She can teach you where to place your fingers so you can pi55 out of what's left' .


Was telling my mates down the pub that old joke about 'what do you do if an epileptic has a fit in your bath ?...Throw your washing in with him' . A bloke tapped me on the shoulder and said ' That's not f*****g funny . My brother was epileptic and died in the bath '. I said ' Oh ! I am so sorry . Did he drown ?' He replied 'No . He choked on a sock.'


A girl calls her mother and says "Mum, I'm getting a divorce".
"Why?" the mother asks, shocked.
"Mum, all he ever wants is anal sex. I used to have a lovely little bumhole the size of a 5p piece. Now it's the size of a 50p piece".
The mother says "Sweetie, you have a lovely home, a Porsche, a platinum credit card, a villa in Marbella, kids in private school and 6 holidays a year and you want to give all that up for the sake of 45p?"


A Scouser went on Dragon's Den the other night and showed them his Dad's old shotgun and Gamekeeper's bag.
Peter Jones said "and what's your idea?"
He replied "It's a simple concept, Peter, just put the money in the f**king bag"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 23, 2011, 06:59:35 AM
Quote
I bought a memory stick for the wife . She hasn't forgotten my beer or meals since the first beating I gave her with it .

Quote
Was telling my mates down the pub that old joke about 'what do you do if an epileptic has a fit in your bath ?...Throw your washing in with him' . A bloke tapped me on the shoulder and said ' That's not f*****g funny . My brother was epileptic and died in the bath '. I said ' Oh ! I am so sorry . Did he drown ?' He replied 'No . He choked on a sock.'

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 25, 2011, 10:14:26 PM
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. The Doctor asks: "What happened?"     
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband  comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."     
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband  comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it  in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to  bed and is a sleep."     

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and  reborn. The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my  husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and  swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?" 



The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 26, 2011, 06:25:46 AM
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. The Doctor asks: "What happened?"     
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband  comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."     
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband  comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it  in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to  bed and is a sleep."     

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and  reborn. The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my  husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and  swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?" 



The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick!"

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 26, 2011, 10:10:35 AM
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. The Doctor asks: "What happened?"     
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband  comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."     
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband  comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it  in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to  bed and is a sleep."     

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and  reborn. The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my  husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and  swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?" 



The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick!"

 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 26, 2011, 11:07:45 PM
A sign in a shop window said

"We would rather serve 500 muslims than 1 British soldier"


Who said undertakers don't have a sense of humour?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 27, 2011, 07:16:09 AM
It's hard being a decorator in this politically correct world.

I can no longer say "black paint"

I now have to say "Please paint that wall, Leroy"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 27, 2011, 07:16:34 AM
It's hard being a decorator in this politically correct world.

I can no longer say "black paint"

I now have to say "Please paint that wall, Leroy"

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on January 29, 2011, 06:39:41 PM
My Chinese mate had a girlfriend named Lorraine.  But he was cheating on her with another girl called Claire Lee.  Unfortunately, Lorraine died.  At her funeral he stood up and sang.  'I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone .....'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 29, 2011, 07:25:34 PM
 noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 30, 2011, 08:44:59 AM
My Chinese mate had a girlfriend named Lorraine.  But he was cheating on her with another girl called Claire Lee.  Unfortunately, Lorraine died.  At her funeral he stood up and sang.  'I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone .....'

 ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 30, 2011, 09:14:01 AM
The Affs says: -  noooo:

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6101.msg145981#msg145981
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 30, 2011, 09:48:41 AM
The Affs says: -  noooo:

[url]http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6101.msg145981#msg145981[/url]


 worthy:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 01, 2011, 01:04:26 PM
Apparently, this is a real reply from the Inland Revenue. The Guardian newspaper had to ask for special permission to print it.  The funniest part of this is imagining the content of the letter sent to the Tax Office which prompted this reply!

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.   I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter".    It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand".    This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always,  for reasons of accuracy,  traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted.    However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers"  might indicate that your decision to  "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies"  is at best a little ill-advised.    In common with my own organisation,  it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity".    More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point.   Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay  "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services",  a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party"  yourself.    The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation,  whilst colourful,  are,  in fairness,  a little off the mark.     Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles"  and  "dancing whores"  whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to,  for example,  "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write  "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that  "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give"  has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant,  the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped.   In the meantime,  whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other,  I ought to point out that even if you did choose to  "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India"  you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations
Inland Revenue

 
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 01, 2011, 03:33:24 PM
Apparently, this is a real reply from the Inland Revenue. The Guardian newspaper had to ask for special permission to print it.  The funniest part of this is imagining the content of the letter sent to the Tax Office which prompted this reply!

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.   I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter".    It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand".    This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always,  for reasons of accuracy,  traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted.    However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers"  might indicate that your decision to  "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies"  is at best a little ill-advised.    In common with my own organisation,  it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity".    More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point.   Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay  "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services",  a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party"  yourself.    The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation,  whilst colourful,  are,  in fairness,  a little off the mark.     Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles"  and  "dancing whores"  whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to,  for example,  "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write  "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that  "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give"  has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant,  the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped.   In the meantime,  whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other,  I ought to point out that even if you did choose to  "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India"  you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations
Inland Revenue

 


Ahem. http://www.grumpieroldmen.co.uk/forum/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=18564&p=326026&hilit=jamboree#p326026

(After all, that's where the Affs started...)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 01, 2011, 03:41:35 PM
I never go there  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 01, 2011, 03:45:25 PM
I never go there  noooo:

I'm not allowed there...  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 01, 2011, 03:46:29 PM
 point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 01, 2011, 04:02:39 PM
 redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 01, 2011, 04:10:52 PM
I never go there  noooo:

I'm not allowed there...  noooo:

I have forgotten where it is.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 01, 2011, 04:12:53 PM
I never go there  noooo:

I'm not allowed there...  noooo:

I have forgotten where it is.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 01, 2011, 05:13:16 PM
Where what is?  rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 01, 2011, 05:18:58 PM
Where what is?  rubschin:

I forget... Shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 01, 2011, 06:08:01 PM
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.




A 3-year-old girl examined her vagina while taking a bath.
'Mum', she asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'What’s that?' she replied.

 redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 01, 2011, 06:12:50 PM
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

'I haven't a clue' the rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

'Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.'

'And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'

 ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 03, 2011, 11:41:09 PM
A man goes into Waterstones and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one, I'll take a copy."


Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 04, 2011, 07:30:56 AM
Groanio....  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 04, 2011, 12:32:52 PM
A man goes into Waterstones and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one, I'll take a copy."


Another half-cocked funny from the JOM inbox.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 07, 2011, 06:37:14 AM
I've just booked the table for Valentines night

TBH, I don't even know if she can play snooker
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on February 07, 2011, 06:42:01 AM
(http://image.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/76445/76445,1211954382,15/stock-photo-young-girl-in-short-skirt-playing-snooker-13114405.jpg)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 07, 2011, 06:42:37 AM
I've just booked the table for Valentines night

TBH, I don't even know if she can play snooker

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 07, 2011, 06:49:50 AM
([url]http://image.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/76445/76445,1211954382,15/stock-photo-young-girl-in-short-skirt-playing-snooker-13114405.jpg[/url])


Decisions, decisions, I'll take the pink  redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on February 07, 2011, 06:53:41 AM
([url]http://image.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/76445/76445,1211954382,15/stock-photo-young-girl-in-short-skirt-playing-snooker-13114405.jpg[/url])


Decisions, decisions, I'll take the pink  redface:



And screw back for the brown?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 07, 2011, 07:00:33 AM
BOYS!  eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 07, 2011, 07:10:29 AM
([url]http://image.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/76445/76445,1211954382,15/stock-photo-young-girl-in-short-skirt-playing-snooker-13114405.jpg[/url])


Decisions, decisions, I'll take the pink  redface:



And screw back for the brown?


 eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 07, 2011, 07:11:20 AM
BOYS!  eeek:

Just cos we beat you to it  point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 07, 2011, 07:48:54 AM
Surely you have to pot the brown first...?  rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on February 07, 2011, 07:56:12 AM
You play by your roolz & we'll play by ours  razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 07, 2011, 08:01:37 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on February 07, 2011, 08:06:40 AM
A few of you will definitely need the rest to help your performance  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on February 07, 2011, 08:09:49 AM
A few of you will definitely need the rest to help your performance  whistle:

The long one I think  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 08, 2011, 03:23:01 PM
Quote
THIS MONTH'S

HALF PRICE

SPECIAL OFFER

SMALL AND EXTRA SMALL

INDOOR AND OUTDOOR CAR COVERS

25% OFF
THE USUAL PRICE

Yup - that means an extra small outdoor for only £26.25 + vat

of an Extra Small Indoor for only £16.50

ONLY IF ORDERED VIA TELEPHONE WITH
THE CODE BELOW

 rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on February 08, 2011, 03:25:33 PM
Covered or not LL will still notice it in the living room.  ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 08, 2011, 03:38:56 PM
Covered or not LL will still notice it in the living room.  ;D

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on February 08, 2011, 10:36:23 PM
The Winter Boots                                 

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this.                                 

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her reception

class pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. 

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't

want to go on.

 By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the

wrong feet.'
 

She looked, and sure enough, they were.


It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots

back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why

didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to.
Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his

little feet.

 No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's

boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the

boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 08, 2011, 10:55:17 PM
 lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 09, 2011, 05:13:42 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on February 09, 2011, 08:17:47 PM
The Egyptian Government have come up with a plan to stop the riots in Cairo.  Get in a car, honk the horn and chill out.

They're calling it 'toot-n-kalm-doon'.  ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 09, 2011, 08:18:41 PM
Mr Thread? Meet Mr Bottom of the Barrel.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on February 09, 2011, 08:24:27 PM
The Egyptian Government have come up with a plan to stop the riots in Cairo.  Get in a car, honk the horn and chill out.

They're calling it 'toot-n-kalm-doon'.  ;D

 lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 10, 2011, 05:12:43 AM
The Egyptian Government have come up with a plan to stop the riots in Cairo.  Get in a car, honk the horn and chill out.

They're calling it 'toot-n-kalm-doon'.  ;D

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 10, 2011, 06:32:52 PM
Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 10, 2011, 06:39:13 PM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 17, 2011, 06:40:23 AM
I went to my extremely attractive female doctor yesterday. She said, “you have to stop masturbating”
I said, “why”
She said, “because I’m trying to examine you”


I was walking through the cemetery yesterday and some bloke was crouching behind one of the gravestones
I said, “ morning”
He said, “no, just having a shit”


I was walking down the road the other day and saw my mate Abdul standing on his fifth floor balcony shaking a rug. I shouted up, “what’s up Abdul, won’t it start”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 19, 2011, 11:20:52 AM
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.  Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh .."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person ................"The moral of the story... three things in life are certain  ...................

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 19, 2011, 11:23:15 AM
A mother had 3 virgin daughters..
 
They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'
Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: 'Good till the last drop'.
Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, And the card read: 'Rothmans'
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, And she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size'
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland , New Zealand .
Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing... Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand '
Mum took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ. The ad said:

'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'
Mum Fainted !
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 19, 2011, 11:27:46 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QRWRAsz0seU (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QRWRAsz0seU)
 razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 19, 2011, 05:56:34 PM
Chaos reigned this morning at the End of the World Shopping Centre in Cornwall when a customer at Fishy Feet, the centre’s fish doctor spa, lost both feet in a tragic nibbling accident.
Dorothy Jones, 66, was rushed to hospital after an employee filled a tank with piranha instead of the usual garra rufa. ‘I thought I was doing everyone a favour’, said Denise Jenkins, 16, of Truro. ‘I reckoned if I put the piranhas in then the customers would get their feet done right quick, like. Our customers are busy people. They don’t have time to sit and relax for ten minutes. I thought two minutes would be enough’, she added.

Mrs Jones, said, ‘I didn’t realise there was a problem until I lifted my feet out of the tank and they stayed there. I don’t blame the assistant. She thought she was helping. It’s really nice to see a young person showing some initiative these days.’

The manager of Fishy Feet declined to comment on the incident, although he did admit that Miss Jenkins had lost three fingers and her ‘World’s Greatest Mam’ bracelet whilst trying to retrieve the feet.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on February 19, 2011, 11:54:53 PM
[Serious] We were at Sea World in Florida (mainly to see Clyde and Seamore take Pirate Island, the mime artist is superb)

(http://i55.tinypic.com/10570ja.jpg)

and we were at Dolphin Cove taking photographs when this bastard

(http://i55.tinypic.com/14nlqhy.jpg)

popped up and tried to take a silver chain off my wrist with its teeth. The chain  must have flashed in the sun and he thought it was a fish or summfink...nearly had me freaking hand off, much to the amusement of those all around [Serious over]
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 20, 2011, 03:28:01 PM








A bulletin from my mate with the pet elephant!



Hi,

Well today I've been to the Leela Hotel, it's the only real 5* hotel around and on Sundays it lets the plebs in, if you buy Sunday Brunch. Well I do because it's the only place in Kerala that has 3 kinds of lettuce, actually it's the only place in Kerala that has any lettuce. If you order a Green Salad here you get Carrot, Cucumber and Tomatoes, you will notice, (if you're sharp) that there is nothing green in any of that. (My Mother would be so surprised, and so pleased, lettuce, green.) You also get use of their pool, which is the best around, so I use it every Sunday.

So today I'm in the bar, (by accident you understand), and this bloke starts talking to me about the cricket, which is on the TV. Well as you probably know my knowledge of cricket is 'limited' to say the least, however, having spent far too much time in India of late, I do know India is the best. And so I can handle this conversation, because he is clearly a foreigner. (foreigner: ie: someone who knows less about cricket than you do. The Tebbit definition.)  It turns out that his name is Sach(a)  (Russian) and lives or has lived in Chicago for 20 years. He thinks Chicago is the best city in the world. We talk about cities, we are both city people. New York, London, Paris, Rome, we get on. Then I lose it, Moscow, Beirut, Islamabad, I'm out of my depth. We talk world politics. corruption, east / west, the fall of the Berlin wall, we discuss the present situation in the middle east, the fanatical future for the world, he is not without opinions. he shows me his passport,  (Russian I think) 6  years old and stuffed with visas and entry/exit permits. I ask him what he does for a living, (I've all ready heard about his trips to Siberia and beyond).

'Arms'. That's it. So, suddenly it's not about cricket, it's another area that I know very little about. Our conversation about world politics suddenly comes into focus. Who the fuck am I talking to,  I'm talking to Goldfinger! ( Actually he's better looking than that, but he probably would be, wouldn't he?) Maybe he's not 'Goldfinger" but one of those around the table, (one of which suddenly gets tipped back from their seats into a pit of Vipers). Any way, this is some heavy dude.

Then the conversation changes, (well it would wouldn't it). He knows I know Kerala, and he wants to know is there a night life here, where he can have 'good, clean, adult fun around here, he describes "Heaven" the Moscow nightclub which we all know from those films, it sounds great, but not available here. Sadly I disillusion him. Kovalam closes at 11pm.

We stare deep into each others eyes, I know that if the chair doesn't tip me back into a pit of vipers I'm OK, he knows that as long as l don't reach for my Walther PPK, he is safe. We smile, a sardonic smile and part.

Another Sunday at the Leela another day in Kovalam.

Love you all,

Tony XXXXXX


Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on February 22, 2011, 03:10:39 PM
Our neighbour knocked on the front door this morning at 3 a.m.
Three in the fecking morning!


Fortunately, I was still awake ... practising my drums.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 22, 2011, 03:13:01 PM
Our neighbour knocked on the front door this morning at 3 a.m.
Three in the fecking morning!


Fortunately, I was still awake ... practising my drums.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 22, 2011, 06:01:33 PM
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied..
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.....
The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..
The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Inland Revenue..'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on February 23, 2011, 08:29:40 PM
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'

I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'

She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.'

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'

She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. '

I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'

She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 24, 2011, 05:50:37 AM
4/10 must try harder...  ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 25, 2011, 02:54:58 PM
http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2011/02/07/asbos-to-be-replaced-by-town-square-naughty-steps/ (http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2011/02/07/asbos-to-be-replaced-by-town-square-naughty-steps/)
 spider:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 27, 2011, 08:21:44 PM
Oooh, you bitch  ;D



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8Bc7eRTdWY
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 27, 2011, 10:28:26 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NacppJ_vWQg

as seen on that sunday night show ... ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on February 28, 2011, 12:17:49 AM
Priceless...I like Brian Blessed...from the moment he was in

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wHTdDeh50kI
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 28, 2011, 08:29:12 AM
Oooh, you bitch  ;D



[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8Bc7eRTdWY[/url]


 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on February 28, 2011, 08:32:12 AM
I just wish the camera had stayed on him as the look on his face would have been priceless!  lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on March 01, 2011, 10:11:06 AM
(http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01837/matt01032011_1837364a.jpg)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 04, 2011, 11:12:23 AM
ALERTS TO TERROR THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing.." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on March 04, 2011, 11:53:43 AM
You might care to add the Welsh into this.

The Welsh have moved from blaming the English to singing awful hymns.
Should this not work they will escalate their alert to "Sheep and Children First"
The final option will be to declare that yesterday's referendum means they can take their ball and skulk off home.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 06, 2011, 07:20:32 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vqUdC-8nFY

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 07, 2011, 10:29:19 AM
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vqUdC-8nFY[/url]

happy001


Just spat my coffee out ............brilliant ....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 07, 2011, 01:12:11 PM
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vqUdC-8nFY[/url]

happy001


Just spat my coffee out ............brilliant ....


Coffee?  eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 07, 2011, 01:13:42 PM
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vqUdC-8nFY[/url]

happy001


Just spat my coffee out ............brilliant ....


Coffee?  eeek:


It had a wee tad of VSOP in it ......... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 07, 2011, 01:15:33 PM
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vqUdC-8nFY[/url]

happy001


Just spat my coffee out ............brilliant ....


Coffee?  eeek:


It had a wee tad of VSOP in it ......... redface:


Good man!  ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 07, 2011, 11:30:49 PM
I was in the pub with the missus and i said 'I love you '
She asked if it was me or the beer talking .
You should have seen her face when I told her I was talking to my beer .
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 08, 2011, 06:10:24 AM
I was in the pub with the missus and i said 'I love you '
She asked if it was me or the beer talking .
You should have seen her face when I told her I was talking to my beer .

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on March 08, 2011, 08:33:32 AM
INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0...

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, 
Desperate!!!



DEAR DESPERATE!!!,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.  Please note Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0   (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 -program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0!!!

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly... You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.   We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!
Tech Support

 
.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on March 08, 2011, 08:37:05 AM
Made me larf first time round too.  confused:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on March 08, 2011, 08:39:04 AM
Thats the trouble with being younger, you think its the first time round.  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on March 08, 2011, 08:44:12 AM
Thats the trouble with being younger, you think its the first time round.  whistle:

We only have your word for that ..... You have carefully omitted your D.O.B. from your profile  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 08, 2011, 12:15:21 PM
http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=4565.0

 whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on March 08, 2011, 01:32:25 PM
I didn't have the time couldn't be arsed to search for it  redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 08, 2011, 01:38:20 PM
I doubt Tipsy has a DoB. I suspect she came out of a test tube  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on March 08, 2011, 06:22:16 PM
I doubt Tipsy has a DoB. I suspect she came out of a test tube  noooo:

Thats not what my Dad told me, he said I came from the lane just outside the village.  Where he used to liberate a cabbage for tea on his way home off nights.  lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 08, 2011, 06:23:28 PM
She IS nuts  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 08, 2011, 07:39:35 PM
I doubt Tipsy has a DoB. I suspect she came out of a test tube  noooo:

Thats not what my Dad told me, he said I came from the lane just outside the village.  Where he used to liberate a cabbage for tea on his way home off nights.  lol:

Euphemism #2,945  sick2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 08, 2011, 08:49:25 PM
Cabbage head  rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 09, 2011, 09:37:46 PM
I spent 3 hours last Sunday at my Wife's graveside.

Silly bitch thinks I'm digging a fish pond.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on March 09, 2011, 09:41:08 PM
I spent 3 hours last Sunday at my Wife's graveside.

Silly bitch thinks I'm digging a fish pond.


Who sent that? BM?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 09, 2011, 11:38:46 PM
I spent 3 hours last Sunday at my Wife's graveside.

Silly bitch thinks I'm digging a fish pond.


 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 10, 2011, 06:14:00 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 10, 2011, 02:49:13 PM
An environmentalist came into my shop today and bought a few bits and bobs. "Would you like a bag for those?" I asked as I began scanning his items.

"Only if they degrade." He replied............



So I took a black marker pen and wrote on it "The person carrying this bag is a stinking, worthless, hippy wanker."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 10, 2011, 03:10:04 PM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 10, 2011, 04:44:20 PM
A farmer named Bill was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Scotland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust..

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bill looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo .

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bill.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

Then Bill says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of Parliament aren`t you", says Bill.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep...

Now give me back my dog you prick.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 10, 2011, 09:30:05 PM
Surprise sex is one of the best ways to be woken up ...



...Unless you are in prison .
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 10, 2011, 09:34:00 PM
Surprise sex is one of the best ways to be woken up ...



...Unless you are in prison .

Miss D's thread .............. rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 10, 2011, 09:35:56 PM
 lol:

There are no coincidences  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 10, 2011, 10:16:32 PM
Give a scouser a fish and he will eat for a day . Give him a fishing rod , and he will stick it through your letter box and pinch your car keys .


Just had some awful news . My new Thai bride has testicular cancer .


Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 11, 2011, 05:29:44 AM
Give a scouser a fish and he will eat for a day . Give him a fishing rod , and he will stick it through your letter box and pinch your car keys .


Just had some awful news . My new Thai bride has testicular cancer .




 lol: lol: lol:

Mr. Tea? Meet Mr. keyboard!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 11, 2011, 07:29:45 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 11, 2011, 08:24:52 AM
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit-but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 11, 2011, 08:34:58 AM
Man teases ex-wife's new husband

"How's the second hand pussy?" he enquires

"It's great thanks " says the new husband, "after the first two inches it's brand new ! "
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 11, 2011, 08:39:49 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 11, 2011, 08:33:05 PM
Channel 4 News: The government has made the penalty for ticket-touting at the London Olympics, a £20,000 fine......



No problem. If the police approach you whilst you're selling, set fire to them and say they were poppies.....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 12, 2011, 05:41:17 AM
Channel 4 News: The government has made the penalty for ticket-touting at the London Olympics, a £20,000 fine......



No problem. If the police approach you whilst you're selling, set fire to them and say they were poppies.....

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 12, 2011, 06:53:29 PM
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk up to the bar. The rabbi asked for a Martini, the priest requested a beer, and the duck said, "I'll have a Scotch and soda". The bartender stared in amazement at the talking duck and asked, "What happened to the penguin?
 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on March 13, 2011, 01:51:03 AM
I don't get it...didn't the penguin request a beer..
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 13, 2011, 05:37:34 AM
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk up to the bar. The rabbi asked for a Martini, the priest requested a beer, and the duck said, "I'll have a Scotch and soda". The bartender stared in amazement at the talking duck and asked, "What happened to the penguin?
 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001


 whacky115
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 13, 2011, 06:58:18 AM
I don't get it...didn't the penguin request a beer..

I kept re-reading it last night to work out the punch-line, I'm still  confused:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 13, 2011, 07:01:30 AM
It's an invisible joke  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on March 13, 2011, 07:02:53 AM
It made me smile ~ dunno why. Maybe spending too much time in this Nickesque world.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 13, 2011, 07:07:15 AM
You and Miss C have both been lost to the Nickesque world I fear  noooo:

The southern resistance are still holding out  cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 13, 2011, 07:18:57 AM
You and Miss C have both been lost to the Nickesque world I fear  noooo:

The southern resistance are still holding out  cloud9:

Did you say that only once?

Good moaning
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 13, 2011, 07:23:42 AM
zis is Night'awk, are you receiving me ?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 13, 2011, 10:02:36 AM
http://chasemeladies.blogspot.com/2006/02/who-was-worse-blair-or-hitler.html (http://chasemeladies.blogspot.com/2006/02/who-was-worse-blair-or-hitler.html).
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 13, 2011, 12:15:18 PM
Ten Catholic priests are killed in an accident and arrive at the Pearly Gates. St Peter says "Ok, If any of you are paedophiles, go to Hell. Nine of them start walking away. St Peter says "Hey, take the deaf cunt with you".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 13, 2011, 12:24:28 PM
Ten Catholic priests are killed in an accident and arrive at the Pearly Gates. St Peter says "Ok, If any of you are paedophiles, go to Hell. Nine of them start walking away. St Peter says "Hey, take the deaf cunt with you".

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 13, 2011, 12:35:04 PM
Ten Catholic priests are killed in an accident and arrive at the Pearly Gates. St Peter says "Ok, If any of you are paedophiles, go to Hell. Nine of them start walking away. St Peter says "Hey, take the deaf cunt with you".


 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 13, 2011, 08:49:48 PM
http://funnydrunkguy.info/ (http://funnydrunkguy.info/)   noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on March 13, 2011, 08:56:34 PM
Drunk...or quite ill?  rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 14, 2011, 01:10:08 AM
Ten Catholic priests are killed in an accident and arrive at the Pearly Gates. St Peter says "Ok, If any of you are paedophiles, go to Hell. Nine of them start walking away. St Peter says "Hey, take the deaf cunt with you".

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 14, 2011, 10:07:08 AM
Miss C posted this on Faceache the other day

http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2011/03/05/perfect-example-of-fiona-bruce-valued-at-antiques-roadshow/ (http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2011/03/05/perfect-example-of-fiona-bruce-valued-at-antiques-roadshow/)

I sent it to a mate who works on the Antiques Roadshow whow has FORWARDED  it to Fiona Bruce  scared2:  redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on March 14, 2011, 11:33:19 AM
 point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 14, 2011, 11:34:11 AM
 scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Creant Commander of the picklement and baking BAb(Hons) on March 14, 2011, 11:45:50 AM
I'll come and visit you in The Tower. ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 15, 2011, 12:35:09 PM
The producer of TV drama Midsomer Murders has been suspended after claiming part of the show's appeal was an absence of any ethnic minorities........






It's supposed to be a "who done it?", if they included a black guy, it would make it too easy........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 15, 2011, 01:10:25 PM
The producer of TV drama Midsomer Murders has been suspended after claiming part of the show's appeal was an absence of any ethnic minorities........






It's supposed to be a "who done it?", if they included a black guy, it would make it too easy........

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 16, 2011, 09:43:14 PM
I have often wondered what makes Japanese people tick........

Geiger counters......... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 16, 2011, 10:27:43 PM
A yellow person slumped over the control panels in a destroyed nuclear power plant.........













No you racist bastards it's an episode of The Simpsons..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 17, 2011, 07:21:52 AM
 lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on March 18, 2011, 10:53:58 AM
Wetsuit for sale on ebay:  (http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=160559216667)



I bought this wetsuit brand-new last year and have worn it a fair bit. When I say 'fair' I reckon about 20 times, but then probably more like 30. A fair few times anyway.

HOWEVER you will like this, If it was not being worn, it was hung on a hangar or rolled to prevent creasing AND I rinsed it in fresh water after EVERY session so it's in VERY good condition as I look after my gear, I always do, similarly I take care of my body and shower at least once a day and always moisturise. Yes you're probably getting a feel for the kind of man I am. You can see from the pictures it has no creases and looks lovely. My friend Gaz has got a wetsuit that he doesn't look after and it looks like an Elephant's arse, all wrinkled, a bit like an old man's testicle.

You're probably thinking "People p*ss in wetsuits, I'm not sure about a second hand wetsuit", but believe it or not I have NEVER urinated in this suit, seriously, these suits are too good to be doing such a vulgar act in, the wee just ends up staying in the suit and then when you're sat having a post-surf pint in the pub you smell awful and girls don't like boys that smell of p*ss  so you just sit there, alone all night, sobbing into your pint of Betty Stoggs like a lonely desperate p*ss smelling man.

I've included a picture of a bear using a urinal, this is how I normally use the toilet, notice that the animal is not wearing a wetsuit. Although I am not a bear, I, like a bear, do not p*ss in wetsuits.

It's a size medium or "m", it was the top of the range suit when I bought it, I think I paid around £300 for it, still a great warm suit that will make you surf at least 200% better. It won't really but it will keep you warm and it's flexible so you'll be able to throw your arms around like Beyonce whilst you're bouncing along a wave. People will look at you and say "f*ckin hell check that dude out, he knows what he's doing wearing one of those Xcel suits and he's got some fresh dance moves". They probably won't say this.

Now as it's been worn, there's some signs of wear around the neck, which I've taken pictures of, so you don't say "oi you c*nt, there's area of wear around the neck I'm giving you bad feedback". The pictures make it look worse than it is (because they're close-ups), and I've taken the pictures with the suit turned inside out, when it's the right way round you don't see the wear and it has no effect on the performance of the suit. That was a bit boring wasn't it, but it had to be done so you can't take me to eBay court for not being honest with you.

Why am I selling it? Well I've just bought a new one, as I'm a flash tw*t like that, I tend to get a new suit every season, I just like the feel of fresh neoprene on my soft skin, and well to be honest I could do with some cash to pay for prostitutes. No, that was a joke, now you're going to think the suit is riddled with disease but it's not as I was joking I do NOT engage with ladies of the night.

I'll post it out the next working day following cleared payment, or if you're around the Truro area you can come and collect it thus avoiding postage charges. Having said that, if you're a maniac, maybe you should just let me post it to you as I don't want to be murdered to death, especially as the summer is just beginning! WOO HOO.

Any questions just ask, I'll answer them very quickly as I'm sat at a computer all f*cking day, unless there's waves.

Thanks for looking and reading all of that ridiculous text, I hope you have a wonderful day.



p.s. The Q &A after is worth a read as well.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 18, 2011, 03:23:18 PM
Wetsuit for sale on ebay:  ([url]http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=160559216667[/url])



I bought this wetsuit brand-new last year and have worn it a fair bit. When I say 'fair' I reckon about 20 times, but then probably more like 30. A fair few times anyway.

HOWEVER you will like this, If it was not being worn, it was hung on a hangar or rolled to prevent creasing AND I rinsed it in fresh water after EVERY session so it's in VERY good condition as I look after my gear, I always do, similarly I take care of my body and shower at least once a day and always moisturise. Yes you're probably getting a feel for the kind of man I am. You can see from the pictures it has no creases and looks lovely. My friend Gaz has got a wetsuit that he doesn't look after and it looks like an Elephant's arse, all wrinkled, a bit like an old man's testicle.

You're probably thinking "People p*ss in wetsuits, I'm not sure about a second hand wetsuit", but believe it or not I have NEVER urinated in this suit, seriously, these suits are too good to be doing such a vulgar act in, the wee just ends up staying in the suit and then when you're sat having a post-surf pint in the pub you smell awful and girls don't like boys that smell of p*ss  so you just sit there, alone all night, sobbing into your pint of Betty Stoggs like a lonely desperate p*ss smelling man.

I've included a picture of a bear using a urinal, this is how I normally use the toilet, notice that the animal is not wearing a wetsuit. Although I am not a bear, I, like a bear, do not p*ss in wetsuits.

It's a size medium or "m", it was the top of the range suit when I bought it, I think I paid around £300 for it, still a great warm suit that will make you surf at least 200% better. It won't really but it will keep you warm and it's flexible so you'll be able to throw your arms around like Beyonce whilst you're bouncing along a wave. People will look at you and say "f*ckin hell check that dude out, he knows what he's doing wearing one of those Xcel suits and he's got some fresh dance moves". They probably won't say this.

Now as it's been worn, there's some signs of wear around the neck, which I've taken pictures of, so you don't say "oi you c*nt, there's area of wear around the neck I'm giving you bad feedback". The pictures make it look worse than it is (because they're close-ups), and I've taken the pictures with the suit turned inside out, when it's the right way round you don't see the wear and it has no effect on the performance of the suit. That was a bit boring wasn't it, but it had to be done so you can't take me to eBay court for not being honest with you.

Why am I selling it? Well I've just bought a new one, as I'm a flash tw*t like that, I tend to get a new suit every season, I just like the feel of fresh neoprene on my soft skin, and well to be honest I could do with some cash to pay for prostitutes. No, that was a joke, now you're going to think the suit is riddled with disease but it's not as I was joking I do NOT engage with ladies of the night.

I'll post it out the next working day following cleared payment, or if you're around the Truro area you can come and collect it thus avoiding postage charges. Having said that, if you're a maniac, maybe you should just let me post it to you as I don't want to be murdered to death, especially as the summer is just beginning! WOO HOO.

Any questions just ask, I'll answer them very quickly as I'm sat at a computer all f*cking day, unless there's waves.

Thanks for looking and reading all of that ridiculous text, I hope you have a wonderful day.



p.s. The Q &A after is worth a read as well.


Excellent!  ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 18, 2011, 03:41:16 PM
BBC: Finland says it will move the operations of its embassy in Tokyo to Hiroshima as "a precaution" amid the ongoing crisis at the nuclear power plant in Fukushima, Kyodo news agency reports.........



Sometimes this shit just writes itself............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 19, 2011, 08:32:31 AM
I saw a dyslexic Yorkshireman walking round town yesterday with a catflap on his head.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 19, 2011, 09:16:26 AM
 whistle: http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6424.msg267959#msg267959 Reply 1101  ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 19, 2011, 04:00:27 PM
I saw a dyslexic Yorkshireman walking round town yesterday with a catflap on his head.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 19, 2011, 04:34:19 PM
Latest news flash! Apparently Tony Blair has called Colonel Gaddafi personally to ask him to stand down. The delusional lunatic went on for ten minutes about not being a war criminal....




 before Gaddafi could even get a word in.....................................
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 20, 2011, 05:16:13 PM
Latest news flash! Apparently Tony Blair has called Colonel Gaddafi personally to ask him to stand down. The delusional lunatic went on for ten minutes about not being a war criminal....




 before Gaddafi could even get a word in.....................................

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on March 24, 2011, 08:50:40 PM
Copper Wire

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".

One week later, the British authorities  reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be British,  don't it!

 

 
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on March 24, 2011, 08:53:40 PM
But the wire was there...until the gypos had nicked it already...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on March 24, 2011, 09:29:09 PM
S'rite.  ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 24, 2011, 09:31:36 PM
Can you train the VP formation cycling team?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on March 24, 2011, 10:09:47 PM
No, can you?  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 24, 2011, 10:12:56 PM
Of course. Maybe you know someone who can help design tasteful Lycra uniforms  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on March 25, 2011, 06:50:14 AM
"tasteful Lycra"

Surely a contradiction in terms.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 25, 2011, 07:23:27 AM
"tasteful Lycra"

Surely a contradiction in terms.


(http://www.flirtlingerie.com.au/store/images/80036.jpg)

 eyes:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on March 25, 2011, 08:18:29 AM
"tasteful Lycra"

Surely a contradiction in terms.



([url]http://www.flirtlingerie.com.au/store/images/80036.jpg[/url])

 eyes:


Wow...Good Morning...Ding Dong

Its how I imagine Miss D in the mornings
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on March 25, 2011, 08:32:13 AM
How far from reality  noooo:
(http://wwwdelivery.superstock.com/WI/223/1647/PreviewComp/SuperStock_1647R-35744.jpg)


But on "special occasions"

(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_fxqV6zgSY3M/TPYwKtUYc2I/AAAAAAAACco/zxe9aqEMX1c/s320/bettie%2Bpage.jpeg)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 25, 2011, 09:15:42 AM

Wow...Good Morning...Ding Dong

Its how I imagine Miss D in the mornings

That Stilton really does play havoc with your brain cells doesn't it  noooo:

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on March 25, 2011, 10:33:14 AM
"tasteful Lycra"

Surely a contradiction in terms.


([url]http://www.flirtlingerie.com.au/store/images/80036.jpg[/url])

 eyes:


Don't bother BM she appears to be setting up for "I've got a headache" excuse.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 25, 2011, 10:55:47 AM
"tasteful Lycra"

Surely a contradiction in terms.


([url]http://www.flirtlingerie.com.au/store/images/80036.jpg[/url])

 eyes:


Don't bother BM she appears to be setting up for "I've got a headache" excuse.


 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 25, 2011, 01:24:07 PM
On the census form....there was a question that asked if I had any dependents..........




Apparently, 'Millions of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, Single Mums, Romanians, Loafers, Smack Heads, and Non-British speaking people' Wasn't the right answer...........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 25, 2011, 01:49:13 PM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 27, 2011, 11:23:55 AM
A teacher asks her class what their parents do for a living.
Mary says, "My dad's a doctor." The teacher says, "That's great, can you spell doctor?"
"Yes, miss," replies Mary, "it's D-O-C-T-O-R."
"Well done," says the teacher, "Who's next?"
Billy puts his hand up and says, "My dad is in the police and he's a constable."
"That's very good, Billy," says the teacher. "Can you spell constable?"
"Yes, miss, it's C-U-N ..." at which point the teacher interrupts and says "No, Billy, try again."
"OK, miss, it's C-U-N ..." at which point the teacher jumps in again and says to Billy, "Not quite, why don't you practice in your spelling book and we'll come back to you in a minute? Right, who's next?"
"My dad works for Ladbrokes, miss," says little Johnny.
"Oh," replies the teacher. "Can you spell Ladbrokes?"
To which little Johnny replies, "No, miss, but I'll give you 5/4 on that Billy writes cunt in that book."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 27, 2011, 03:39:07 PM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 27, 2011, 11:23:08 PM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 28, 2011, 01:52:59 PM
Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and asks "Can I get a large aperitif?".

The barman looks at her and says, "I seriously doubt it, love."


 ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 28, 2011, 01:53:51 PM
 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 28, 2011, 01:56:46 PM
The Australian Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....

Not many people know that..
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 28, 2011, 02:01:59 PM
The grim reaper came for me last night but i beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Feck me, talk about Dyson with death.  ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 28, 2011, 02:02:57 PM
The grim reaper came for me last night but i beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Feck me, talk about Dyson with death.  ;D

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 28, 2011, 02:05:01 PM
There was a break-in at the Dublin circus hall of mirrors recently.

So far, Irish police have arrested 15 midgets, a 7ft anorexic woman and Rowan Atkinson.

_________________________

A woman goes into a record shop and says "do you have Jingle Bells on a 7 inch?
The young lad in the shop says "no but i've got Dangly Balls on a 9 inch"
The woman says "that's not a record is it?"
Lad says "Its not bad for a 16 year old"

_________________________


I bought the Mother-in-law a pair of crutchless knickers for Christmas.
Nothing sexual, just gives her better grip on the broomstick!

_________________________


I went to a charity darts match last night, Heather Mills v Jake The Peg.
Heather lost by three legs to one.

________________________

A bloke gets arrested for beating up his wife. The judge asks him "why do you keep beating her?" The bloke responds "I think its down to my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork."


____________________________

Guy meets a fat girl at a disco.
He chats her up, they get on well, so at the end of the evening she asks him back to her flat.
He’s not too sure ‘cause she is a bit on the large side but he thinks what the hell.
Back at her place they go upstairs and get down to the business.
He climbs on top. After a while he says would it be ‘OK if we turned off the light’.
She gets all uptight.

‘You’re just like all the other blokes I meet. Every bloke wants to sleep with me but nobody wants to look at me because I’m so fat’.
‘No its not that’ says the bloke, ‘its just that the bulb is burning my arse’

__________________________________

Just got a Jehovahs Witness advent calendar. Every door I open someone tells me to f off!

___________________________________

I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, and she said
I‘d got the biggest willy she’d ever laid her hands on”

I said “You’re pulling my leg”

____________________________________

I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?

....one more,

The missus was watching a cookery programme the other day.

I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, "You watch porn."

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 28, 2011, 02:06:33 PM
 surrender:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 28, 2011, 03:19:44 PM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 28, 2011, 04:13:02 PM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 31, 2011, 10:04:15 PM
I Just got scammed out of $25.
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".   
Turns out it's about golf. 
Absolute waste of money.
 
Pass this on so others don't get scammed
 
Best Regards,
 
Charlie Sheen
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 31, 2011, 10:24:46 PM
Had the same problem .......bald and barely legal .............

road traffic warning video...... eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 31, 2011, 10:27:54 PM
Had the same problem .......bald and barely legal .............

road traffic warning video...... eeek:

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 31, 2011, 10:29:36 PM
Saying that, got schlinders list because Barry Norman said get the tissues ready ...............







Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 31, 2011, 10:35:27 PM
Did you get embarassed about the tissues when you got it wrong about the BBC showing 'Walking with Dinosaurs'?  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 02, 2011, 01:21:08 PM
.
(http://s2.postimage.org/33b2rnj1g/blond_tracks.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/33b2rnj1g/)

 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 02, 2011, 03:19:38 PM
.
([url]http://s2.postimage.org/33b2rnj1g/blond_tracks.jpg[/url]) ([url]http://postimage.org/image/33b2rnj1g/[/url])

 happy001



 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001


Mr keyboard - meet Mr. Carlsberg....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on April 02, 2011, 03:20:13 PM
Already  rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 02, 2011, 03:21:55 PM
Already  rubschin:

 redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on April 02, 2011, 04:15:00 PM
Carlsberg!!!!!!

That's only one step from Meths mixed with sherry and sleeping on a park bench.  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 02, 2011, 04:21:43 PM
Carlsberg!!!!!!

That's only one step from Meths mixed with sherry and sleeping on a park bench.  noooo:

Better than the Lidl stuff ............Carlsberg is posh..... 8)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 02, 2011, 04:23:23 PM
Carlsberg!!!!!!

That's only one step from Meths mixed with sherry and sleeping on a park bench.  noooo:

Better than the Lidl stuff ............Carlsberg is posh..... 8)

 lol: lol: lol:

Carlsberg and Keo are the only beers widely available here... anything else is 'spensive... 'cept the Lidl stuff....

I might start brewing me own again....  rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on April 02, 2011, 04:24:45 PM
It's been ages since you had a new project to work on  whistle:

How is the weather station ?  whistle: whistle: whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 02, 2011, 04:25:24 PM
It's been ages since you had a new project to work on  whistle:

How is the weather station ?  whistle: whistle: whistle:

Stupid girl!  evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 02, 2011, 04:26:10 PM
Carlsberg!!!!!!

That's only one step from Meths mixed with sherry and sleeping on a park bench.  noooo:

Better than the Lidl stuff ............Carlsberg is posh..... 8)

 lol: lol: lol:

Carlsberg and Keo are the only beers widely available here... anything else is 'spensive... 'cept the Lidl stuff....

I might start brewing me own again....  rubschin:

Poplife shops 24 x 50ml tins between 10 to 14 euros ........ cloud9:...4.8 %   hic redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 02, 2011, 04:26:57 PM
The cheapos here drink Leon ..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 02, 2011, 06:29:57 PM
The cheapos here drink Leon ..........

A beer of wrongness....  sick2:

That beer bendy was quite nice...  cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 04, 2011, 07:27:50 PM
A scouser goes for a job at sea . The Captain asks him if he has any experience away at sea . The scouser says no , but he is hard-working and honest . The Captain takes him on reluctantly , and away they sail .
 
Three days out to sea and the scouser is cleaning the deck . A huge wave crashes over the vessel and the scouser is swept overboard . The first mate runs to the captain and says 'Captain . That scouser . He just fked off with your mop .'

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 04, 2011, 07:39:49 PM
A scouser goes for a job at sea . The Captain asks him if he has any experience away at sea . The scouser says no , but he is hard-working and honest . The Captain takes him on reluctantly , and away they sail .
 
Three days out to sea and the scouser is cleaning the deck . A huge wave crashes over the vessel and the scouser is swept overboard . The first mate runs to the captain and says 'Captain . That scouser . He just fked off with your mop .'



 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 05, 2011, 06:38:36 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 13, 2011, 10:10:37 AM
A Muslim kid can't find his Mum in the supermarket. The store attendant says 'What does your Mum look like?'

 

The kid says 'Fucked if I know...'

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 13, 2011, 10:14:44 AM
A Muslim kid can't find his Mum in the supermarket. The store attendant says 'What does your Mum look like?'

 

The kid says 'Fucked if I know...'



 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 13, 2011, 12:53:14 PM
A Muslim kid can't find his Mum in the supermarket. The store attendant says 'What does your Mum look like?'

 

The kid says 'Fucked if I know...'




Scouse kid had the same problem .......

The store attendant says " Whats your Mum like?"

The boy replies "bacardi breezers and cock "........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 13, 2011, 03:30:37 PM
A Muslim kid can't find his Mum in the supermarket. The store attendant says 'What does your Mum look like?'

 

The kid says 'Fucked if I know...'




Scouse kid had the same problem .......

The store attendant says " Whats your Mum like?"

The boy replies "bacardi breezers and cock "........

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 13, 2011, 05:15:45 PM
BEWILDERED TEXAN




While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim
extremist fall into the Rio Grande River ; he was struggling to stay afloat
because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat
because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.
If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

 Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in
distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland
Security.

 It is now 4 pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on April 13, 2011, 08:50:07 PM
Did you get the gear tho
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 14, 2011, 04:58:36 AM
BEWILDERED TEXAN




While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim
extremist fall into the Rio Grande River ; he was struggling to stay afloat
because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat
because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.
If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

 Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in
distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland
Security.

 It is now 4 pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...


 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 17, 2011, 12:48:06 PM
http://chasemeladies.blogspot.com/2004/07/ielts.html (http://chasemeladies.blogspot.com/2004/07/ielts.html)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 17, 2011, 12:50:27 PM
shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 17, 2011, 04:18:10 PM
shrugs:
shrugs:
shrugs:
shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on April 17, 2011, 04:20:35 PM
Keith Richard's english level  whacky115
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 17, 2011, 04:23:07 PM
It made I larf
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 17, 2011, 05:27:40 PM
Why?  rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 17, 2011, 05:41:15 PM
http://chasemeladies.blogspot.com/2004/04/running-away-from-dogs-fun-way-to.html (http://chasemeladies.blogspot.com/2004/04/running-away-from-dogs-fun-way-to.html)  razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on April 17, 2011, 05:42:49 PM
I fear Nick has a new obsession  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 17, 2011, 05:45:47 PM
http://chasemeladies.blogspot.com/2004/04/like-trouser-yet-not-trouser-just-had.html (http://chasemeladies.blogspot.com/2004/04/like-trouser-yet-not-trouser-just-had.html)  rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 17, 2011, 05:49:21 PM
I just read some of the comments after the article. I'm less clear about it now than I was before  whacky115
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 17, 2011, 10:51:07 PM
A German, a Chinese, an African, an Englishman, and an American were approached by a researcher who asked:
"Excuse me, can you give me your opinion about the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

This confused tham all.
The African didn't understand what she meant by 'food'
The Englishman didn't understand what she meant by 'shortage'
The Chinese didn't understand what she meant by 'your opinion'
The American didn't understand what she meant by 'the rest of the world'





and the German didn't understand what she meant by 'excuse me'

 
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 18, 2011, 05:39:18 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 19, 2011, 12:33:14 PM
So I've been chatting with this 13 year old girl online. Shes funny, flirty and sexy. Now she tells me shes an undercover cop,........




 how cool is that for someone her age..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 19, 2011, 01:17:54 PM
So I've been chatting with this 13 year old girl online. Shes funny, flirty and sexy. Now she tells me shes an undercover cop,........




 how cool is that for someone her age..........

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 19, 2011, 02:47:56 PM
So I've been chatting with this 13 year old girl on line. Shes funny, flirty and sexy. Now she tells me shes an undercover cop,........




 how cool is that for someone her age..........

Paedophile is a very big word for her .....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 19, 2011, 05:57:23 PM
My mate got sent to prison last month, I send him a letter each week. So far I've sent him P A E D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 19, 2011, 06:34:20 PM
My mate got sent to prison last month, I send him a letter each week. So far I've sent him P A E D

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 19, 2011, 10:30:23 PM
   Two lawyers had been stranded on a  desert  island for several
  months. The only thing on the island  was a tall coconut tree that
  provided them their only food. Each day  one of the lawyers would 
  climb to the top to see if he could  spot a rescue boat coming. 
  One day the lawyer yelled down from the  tree, "WOW, I just can't 
  believe my eyes. There is a woman out  there floating in our
  direction." 
  The lawyer on the ground was most  skeptical and said, "You're 
  hallucinating; you've finally lost your  mind."
  But within a few minutes, up to the  beach floated a stunning red 
  head, face up, totally naked,  unconscious, without even so much as a 
  ring or earrings on her person. 
  The two lawyers went down to the water,  dragged her up on the beach 
  and discovered, yes, she was alive,  warm and breathing.
  One said to the other, "You know, we've  been on this God forsaken 
  island for months now without a woman. 
  It's been such a long, long time....So  ...  do you think we should ..   
  well ...  you know ...  screw  her?"
  "Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other 
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 20, 2011, 06:42:40 PM
Elephants and memory

        This is an Incredible story!
       
       
        In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating
from Northwestern University .

        On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air.
       
        The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very
carefully.
       
        He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and
found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
       
        As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood
out with his knife, after which the elephant
        gingerly put down its foot.
       
        The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious
look on its face, stared at him for
        several tense moments... Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing
else but being trampled.
       
        Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked
away.
       
        Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
       
        Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo
with his teenage son.
       
        As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
turned and walked over to near where Peter
        and his son Cameron were standing.
       
        The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot
off the ground, then put it down.
       
        The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all
the while staring at the man.
       
        Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help
wondering if this was the same elephant.
       
        Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and
made his way into the enclosure.
       
        He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
       
        The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of
Peter legs and slammed him against
        the railing, killing him instantly.
       
        Probably wasn't the same elephant..

       
        This is for everyone
        who sends me those
        heart-warming
        bullshit stories...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 20, 2011, 09:56:12 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 20, 2011, 10:55:13 PM
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence.........?




Divorced.............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 21, 2011, 08:52:49 AM
Elephants and memory

        This is an Incredible story!
       
       
        In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating
from Northwestern University .

        On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air.
       
        The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very
carefully.
       
        He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and
found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
       
        As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood
out with his knife, after which the elephant
        gingerly put down its foot.
       
        The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious
look on its face, stared at him for
        several tense moments... Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing
else but being trampled.
       
        Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked
away.
       
        Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
       
        Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo
with his teenage son.
       
        As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
turned and walked over to near where Peter
        and his son Cameron were standing.
       
        The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot
off the ground, then put it down.
       
        The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all
the while staring at the man.
       
        Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help
wondering if this was the same elephant.
       
        Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and
made his way into the enclosure.
       
        He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
       
        The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of
Peter legs and slammed him against
        the railing, killing him instantly.
       
        Probably wasn't the same elephant..

       
        This is for everyone
        who sends me those
        heart-warming
        bullshit stories...



The Affs!  lol:

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=3411.0
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on April 22, 2011, 04:16:25 PM
After a visit to the whore house,
a man notices green lumps on his willy,
so he goes to the doctors.
"That's serious "said the doctor" you know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?"


“Yes” says the man seriously.


“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 22, 2011, 06:07:32 PM
After a visit to the whore house,
a man notices green lumps on his willy,
so he goes to the doctors.
"That's serious "said the doctor" you know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?"


“Yes” says the man seriously.


“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”



doh:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 22, 2011, 10:49:31 PM
My mate found out last night that he's both gay and dyslexic.
He's still in daniel.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 23, 2011, 05:08:00 AM
My mate found out last night that he's both gay and dyslexic.
He's still in daniel.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 23, 2011, 08:49:05 AM
My mate found out last night that he's both gay and dyslexic.
He's still in daniel.
drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 24, 2011, 10:30:49 AM
A little late in coming but it made I larf



Got a nice camera for sale if your interested?

Funny story how i came by it.

Got stopped in Blackpool today by some Japanese tourists who asked me to take their photo.

I said "Wave", and they all ran like f*ck!!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on April 24, 2011, 11:04:14 AM
A little late in coming but it made I larf



Got a nice camera for sale if your interested?

Funny story how i came by it.

Got stopped in Blackpool today by some Japanese tourists who asked me to take their photo.

I said "Wave", and they all ran like f*ck!!!

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 24, 2011, 02:31:54 PM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 26, 2011, 05:17:19 PM
OK I'll try again.





They've sent my census form back!!


In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependants?', I wrote,
'Asylum seekers, Travelling folk, smack heads, unemployable lazy sods, the cast of The Jeremy Kyle Show, Northern Rock, RBS and half of bloody Eastern Europe!'

Apparently, this wasn't an acceptable answer.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on April 26, 2011, 06:01:37 PM
Probably because it's already been used.  sleep017
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 27, 2011, 09:28:24 AM
Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.



They both decide to test it by asking a question each.



Barak goes first.



“What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”



The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”



Cameron thinks “It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that” so he asks:



“What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?”



The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.

But he just stares at it.



“Come on David” says Barak, “What does it say”



David replies,









“Buggered if I know! It's all in Arabic!”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 27, 2011, 03:24:19 PM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 27, 2011, 07:11:25 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4nPwztC-eU&NR=1

 lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 27, 2011, 07:13:23 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-N1sjdLQIj8&NR=1

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 27, 2011, 07:13:57 PM
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-N1sjdLQIj8&NR=1[/url]

happy001


 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 28, 2011, 02:16:36 PM
BBC News: Countdown for the Royal Wedding........



Cool. I'll take a consonant, a vowel, a consonant, another consonant, a vowel, and two more consonants.



FUCK OFF .........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 28, 2011, 03:17:42 PM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 01, 2011, 07:46:17 AM
My friend came round last week to tell me he had been to the clinic to have some tests.

"What was the diagnosis" I asked. "It's the big C" he replied.

"Not cancer!" said I. "No" said he, "dyslexia".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 01, 2011, 02:58:51 PM
My friend came round last week to tell me he had been to the clinic to have some tests.

"What was the diagnosis" I asked. "It's the big C" he replied.

"Not cancer!" said I. "No" said he, "dyslexia".

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 02, 2011, 12:15:27 PM
I applied to that "cash in the attic" programme ..

Bastards sold all the beams and my loft insulation ......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 02, 2011, 12:17:56 PM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 02, 2011, 03:57:38 PM
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on  it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed  her over.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were  £70!!! Bollockss to that I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably  and looked very miserable.. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown




Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 02, 2011, 04:13:12 PM
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.
   
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador."
"f*ck that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
 

A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound English",
"I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?",
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?"
"I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.
 

Spent £40 on ebay last week for a p*nis enlarger. Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!
 
 
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
 

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 02, 2011, 04:20:36 PM
 lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:

Mr. Keyboard - meet Mr. Collapso!

Top Man!  happy088
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on May 02, 2011, 07:43:25 PM
A royal wedding, 4 days off, Man Utd losing, Osama bin Laden being killed, Carlsberg don't normally do bank holidays but they thought, fuck it , we will do this one.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 02, 2011, 08:06:33 PM
A royal wedding, 4 days off, Man Utd losing, Osama bin Laden being killed, Carlsberg don't normally do bank holidays but they thought, fuck it , we will do this one.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 03, 2011, 03:35:54 AM
A royal wedding, 4 days off, Man Utd losing, Osama bin Laden being killed, Carlsberg don't normally do bank holidays but they thought, fuck it , we will do this one.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 05, 2011, 10:37:11 AM
Bob meets his mate while out for a walk with his jack russell, his mate says fancy a drink he say you can't take dogs in that pub, his mate says tell him its a guide dog.



So they go into the pub and the barman says no dogs only guide dogs.



Bob says this is a guide dog,



Barman says guide dogs are labradors or alsations





















Bob says what sort have they give me ?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 05, 2011, 12:10:08 PM
Photo of Bin Laden's body


(http://s1.postimage.org/xz5t5n9g/bin_l.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/xz5t5n9g/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 05, 2011, 02:05:04 PM
Photo of Bin Laden's body


([url]http://s1.postimage.org/xz5t5n9g/bin_l.jpg[/url]) ([url]http://postimage.org/image/xz5t5n9g/[/url])



"He has given us a sign"

(http://www.tcmuk.tv/images/blog/BRIAN_BLOG.jpg)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 05, 2011, 03:21:29 PM
Bob meets his mate while out for a walk with his jack russell, his mate says fancy a drink he say you can't take dogs in that pub, his mate says tell him its a guide dog.



So they go into the pub and the barman says no dogs only guide dogs.



Bob says this is a guide dog,



Barman says guide dogs are labradors or alsations





















Bob says what sort have they give me ?

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 05, 2011, 07:53:22 PM
"I recently invented a new drink, for the V.P.

It's 2 shots followed by a large splash of water.

I call it the Bin Laden. "
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 05, 2011, 09:07:54 PM
"I recently invented a new drink, for the V.P.

It's 2 shots followed by a large splash of water.

I call it the Bin Laden. "

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 06, 2011, 04:16:27 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on May 08, 2011, 09:38:31 PM
I hate being bipolar, i think it's fantastic...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 09, 2011, 12:07:40 AM
I hate being bipolar, i think it's fantastic...

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on May 10, 2011, 07:19:12 PM
http://voxvocispublicus.homestead.com/Index.html
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 10, 2011, 07:27:35 PM
[url]http://voxvocispublicus.homestead.com/Index.html[/url]


 lol: lol: lol: lol:

Excellent!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on May 10, 2011, 07:28:23 PM
Nicked from Cyprus Dying
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 10, 2011, 08:28:38 PM
[url]http://voxvocispublicus.homestead.com/Index.html[/url]


Wot Barman said  happy088
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 10, 2011, 08:39:01 PM
Very good. That took some rehearsing
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on May 10, 2011, 08:46:28 PM
No...Barman has said excellent before...he knows it off by heart now...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 10, 2011, 08:49:33 PM
No...Barman has said excellent before...he knows it off by heart now...

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on May 11, 2011, 05:56:06 AM
That has to be the best yet. I am weeping with laughter.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 11, 2011, 06:39:39 AM
http://www.snotr.com/video/6831 (http://www.snotr.com/video/6831)
 razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 11, 2011, 08:39:10 AM
[url]http://www.snotr.com/video/6831[/url] ([url]http://www.snotr.com/video/6831[/url])
 razz:



 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on May 11, 2011, 12:50:51 PM
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-13346524 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-13346524)

 noooo: noooo: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 11, 2011, 12:52:36 PM
[url]http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-13346524[/url] ([url]http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-13346524[/url])

 noooo: noooo: noooo:


 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on May 11, 2011, 12:59:22 PM
[url]http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-13346524[/url] ([url]http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-13346524[/url])

 noooo: noooo: noooo:


Good for him and the staff  lol:

Best not let the THW see it though ..... enough problems at her school as it is.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 11, 2011, 02:56:07 PM
Jock gayer child nonce!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 11, 2011, 03:38:05 PM
Jock gayer child nonce!

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 11, 2011, 05:55:33 PM
Jock gayer child nonce!

 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 11, 2011, 09:17:56 PM
[url]http://www.snotr.com/video/6831[/url] ([url]http://www.snotr.com/video/6831[/url])
 razz:



One of our lads was out doing some site investigations today and found a dozen plants, all freshly watered this morning
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Creant Commander of the picklement and baking BAb(Hons) on May 12, 2011, 04:19:29 PM
[url]http://voxvocispublicus.homestead.com/Index.html[/url]


Excellent. lol:  Shared on FB.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on May 12, 2011, 05:52:58 PM
A fat bird stands up on a table in a bar and shouts " If you can guess my weight you can shag me senseless " .

A guy , quietly enjoying a drink with his mates shouts back, " About 93 stone ya fat , ugly heifer !!!"

"That's close enough ya lucky bastard" she replies
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 12, 2011, 08:03:01 PM
A fat bird stands up on a table in a bar and shouts " If you can guess my weight yu can shag me senseless " .

A guy , quietly enjoying a drink with his mates shouts back, " About 93 stone ya fat , ugly heifer !!!"

"That's close enough ya lucky bastard" she replies

I feel like a s***

 rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on May 12, 2011, 08:06:44 PM
 lol:


 nonono:




Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 12, 2011, 08:31:26 PM
lol:


 nonono:





redface: angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 13, 2011, 07:31:33 PM
Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus." It comes in pink, and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is. 
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on May 13, 2011, 07:45:17 PM
 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Creant Commander of the picklement and baking BAb(Hons) on May 13, 2011, 07:56:16 PM
Sevy Ballesteros was laid to rest on top of his father in the family grave............he ended up 1 over pa !!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 13, 2011, 07:57:48 PM
 lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 14, 2011, 05:18:47 AM
Sevy Ballesteros was laid to rest on top of his father in the family grave............he ended up 1 over pa !!!

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on May 14, 2011, 01:23:51 PM
.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7p64FvyOBj4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7p64FvyOBj4)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 14, 2011, 01:28:45 PM
 whacky115
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on May 14, 2011, 01:47:54 PM
Nothing like some C&W  otherwise known as "Music to Hang Yourself to"  lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 14, 2011, 05:06:22 PM
Nothing like some C&W  otherwise known as "Music to Hang Yourself to"  lol:


here (http://youtube/t4ilEIypWbo)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Creant Commander of the picklement and baking BAb(Hons) on May 16, 2011, 04:51:02 PM
Nothing like some C&W  otherwise known as "Music to Hang Yourself to"  lol:

Quite so.  Comprises mainly of lost love, dead love, dawgs and trains if you can get all four into the composition so much the better. noooo: Dreadful stuff IMO.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on May 16, 2011, 06:20:20 PM
Nothing like some C&W  otherwise known as "Music to Hang Yourself to"  lol:

Quite so.  Comprises mainly of lost love, dead love, dawgs and trains if you can get all four into the composition so much the better. noooo: Dreadful stuff IMO.

Ackchooly I quite like some C&W  redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 16, 2011, 06:30:45 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06MfMaxp8RU

 sad24:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on May 16, 2011, 06:47:36 PM
I like both types..Country and Western...

.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-FZZ7ye7h8
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 16, 2011, 06:52:04 PM
C & W = shite.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on May 16, 2011, 06:58:43 PM
C & W = shite.

Not for nothing do our cousins across the pond call it "Shit Kickin' Music".  razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 16, 2011, 07:04:54 PM
C & W = shite.

Not for nothing do our cousins across the pond call it "Shit Kickin' Music".  razz:

I'd rather kick shit....  lol:

One of my suppliers in Denver took me out one night... to a C & W thing - wot a nightmare - all dressed up as cowboys and line dancing and stuff....  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 16, 2011, 07:14:17 PM
C & W = shite.

Not for nothing do our cousins across the pond call it "Shit Kickin' Music".  razz:

I'd rather kick shit....  lol:

One of my suppliers in Denver took me out one night... to a C & W thing - wot a nightmare - all dressed up as cowboys and line dancing and stuff....  noooo:

Jeans and a belt....... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 16, 2011, 07:18:28 PM
C & W = shite.

Not for nothing do our cousins across the pond call it "Shit Kickin' Music".  razz:

I'd rather kick shit....  lol:

One of my suppliers in Denver took me out one night... to a C & W thing - wot a nightmare - all dressed up as cowboys and line dancing and stuff....  noooo:

Jeans and a belt....... rubschin:

doh:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 16, 2011, 07:39:19 PM
C & W = shite.

Not for nothing do our cousins across the pond call it "Shit Kickin' Music".  razz:

I'd rather kick shit....  lol:

One of my suppliers in Denver took me out one night... to a C & W thing - wot a nightmare - all dressed up as cowboys and line dancing and stuff....  noooo:

Jeans and a belt....... rubschin:

doh:

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 16, 2011, 07:56:21 PM
Ryanair have charged Jennifer Mills-Westley's family £65 in excess baggage fees to bring her remains back to the UK.



I suppose that's what you get for not booking ahead.............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 16, 2011, 07:57:21 PM
Ryanair have charged Jennifer Mills-Westley's family £65 in excess baggage fees to bring her remains back to the UK.



I suppose that's what you get for not booking ahead.............

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 16, 2011, 07:58:46 PM
I thought her name was Edna Moore.  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 16, 2011, 07:59:50 PM
I thought her name was Edna Moore.  whistle:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 16, 2011, 08:11:35 PM
Getting Home Safe





      A new way to avoid any alcohol issues while driving:   Went out with some friends last night and tied one on. Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before. I took a bus home.  I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 16, 2011, 08:14:32 PM
Getting Home Safe





      A new way to avoid any alcohol issues while driving:   Went out with some friends last night and tied one on. Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before. I took a bus home.  I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before.

Is that a true story ......... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 16, 2011, 08:17:42 PM
Getting Home Safe





      A new way to avoid any alcohol issues while driving:   Went out with some friends last night and tied one on. Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before. I took a bus home.  I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before.

Is that a true story ......... rubschin:

No just a bit of info I thought you might find helpfull.  ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 17, 2011, 06:48:11 AM
Getting Home Safe





      A new way to avoid any alcohol issues while driving:   Went out with some friends last night and tied one on. Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before. I took a bus home.  I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before.

 drumroll:

I want to die in my sleep like my dad...

...not screaming in fear like the passengers on his bus...

etc.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 17, 2011, 05:34:25 PM
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened..'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'


 
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 17, 2011, 06:19:37 PM
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened..'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'


 


 lol: lol: lol:

He didn't give her the vacuum cleaner did he...?  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 18, 2011, 02:01:18 AM
Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball,
the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt -
prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will
die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined
face, then at the single flickering candle, then down
at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose
herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's
gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:

"Will I be acquitted?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 18, 2011, 06:25:09 AM
Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball,
the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt -
prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will
die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined
face, then at the single flickering candle, then down
at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose
herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's
gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:

"Will I be acquitted?"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 21, 2011, 12:33:27 PM
The difference between men & women.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzW-4cDktB4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzW-4cDktB4)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 21, 2011, 12:42:36 PM
The difference between men & women.

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzW-4cDktB4[/url] ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzW-4cDktB4[/url])


 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 22, 2011, 09:26:20 AM
A woman gets pulled over for speeding;

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 22, 2011, 10:29:23 AM
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 22, 2011, 10:30:42 AM
 tunble:

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 22, 2011, 10:30:59 AM
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?

Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @#$%&^ LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!

WHY? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE.

THE HOUSE!!

THE HOUSE!!

IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 22, 2011, 10:35:24 AM
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this.

He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.

He asks, "What's wrong?"

"The word is 'Celebrate.' Celebrate!'" says the old monk.


Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 22, 2011, 10:41:44 AM

(http://s4.postimage.org/1enlcqxic/46006561_51dd_4ed6_8d4a_374e8e6c33bd.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/1enlcqxic/).
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 22, 2011, 03:02:22 PM
Play him off keyboard cat...  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 22, 2011, 04:00:40 PM
Imogen Thomas has launched a singing career to play down speculation of having an affair with an unnamed Premiership footballer. She's currently doing Giggs in Manchester!!


super injunction ...... point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 22, 2011, 04:19:22 PM
Imogen Thomas has launched a singing career to play down speculation of having an affair with an unnamed Premiership footballer. She's currently doing Giggs in Manchester!!


super injunction ...... point:


happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 23, 2011, 09:16:09 AM
One for Nick:

e.e.cummings started a magazine. it failed because it was under-capitalised.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 23, 2011, 09:17:08 AM
 happy088
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on May 23, 2011, 09:42:07 AM
 
One for Nick:

e.e.cummings started a magazine. it failed because it was under-capitalised.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 23, 2011, 11:44:35 AM
One for Nick:

e.e.cummings started a magazine. it failed because it was under-capitalised.
drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on May 23, 2011, 03:31:13 PM
A woman takes a baby to see the doctor. The doc's concerned about the nipper's weight and asks if the baby is bottle or breast fed. The woman replies breast fed, so the doc asks her to strip to the waist. The Doc then proceeds to pinch and suck her nipples then he massages both her breasts for a while.
"No wonder the baby is under weight, you've got no milk," says the doc.
"I know", said the woman "I'm his Gran, but I'm so glad I came!"



Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 23, 2011, 03:43:27 PM
A woman takes a baby to see the doctor. The doc's concerned about the nipper's weight and asks if the baby is bottle or breast fed. The woman replies breast fed, so the doc asks her to strip to the waist. The Doc then proceeds to pinch and suck her nipples then he massages both her breasts for a while.
"No wonder the baby is under weight, you've got no milk," says the doc.
"I know", said the woman "I'm his Gran, but I'm so glad I came!"





 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on May 24, 2011, 10:03:14 AM
  If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting? Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'?  Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway...Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?Why, Why, Why. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead? Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'? If people evolved from apes,why are there still apes? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?' Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? And my FAVORITE........The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 24, 2011, 11:34:37 AM
That last bit reminds me that everyone has a fat friend. If you haven't got a fat friend then you're the fat friend.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on May 24, 2011, 11:37:44 AM
 rubschin:


 sad32: sad32: sad32:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on May 24, 2011, 11:53:18 AM
Why is TMR's profound wisdom in the Comedy Room?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on May 24, 2011, 02:46:58 PM
I love this doctor 

(http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT3Rs2L7qHUR85HQXPmd209Wms0e1LbvY8R56emetKvQaMeXOeq1DP_FQ)

Q: Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true? 
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... don't waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually..  Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency.  What does cow eat?   Hay and corn. And what are these?  Vegetables.  So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  Need grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A:  No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain.  Bottom up!

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No pain... good!
       
Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A:  YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food are fried these day in vegetable oil.  In fact, they permeated by it.  How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q:  Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 
A: Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me?
A:  Are you crazy?!?  HARRROOOW!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?
A:  If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.

Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A:  Hey!  'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And  remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a  ride!!"

AND...

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
       and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
     and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
      and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
     and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of  sausages and fats 
       and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.   
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on May 25, 2011, 09:58:14 AM
BBC news: 2012 London Olympic Games tickets have been released, with the coveted men's 100m final costing up to £725.

Fuck that. If I want to see a bunch of blacks run like fuck I'll just drive through Hackney with a piece of fried chicken on a string.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 25, 2011, 10:01:13 AM
BBC news: 2012 London Olympic Games tickets have been released, with the coveted men's 100m final costing up to £725.

Fuck that. If I want to see a bunch of blacks run like fuck I'll just drive through Hackney with a piece of fried chicken on a string.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 25, 2011, 11:06:37 AM
Sticking with the racism ........

Barack Obama - The first black man that has ever had to convince the world he did do the killing....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 25, 2011, 11:22:07 AM
Sticking with the racism ........

Barack Obama - The first black man that has ever had to convince the world he did do the killing....

 lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 25, 2011, 01:32:42 PM
I wish to place it on record that, unlike Ryan Giggs, if you catch me shagging a glamour model with massive tits.....you can tell anybody you fucking like!!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 25, 2011, 01:37:08 PM
I wish to place it on record that, unlike Ryan Giggs, if you catch me shagging a glamour model with massive tits.....you can tell anybody you fucking like!!!

 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 25, 2011, 01:39:52 PM
I wish to place it on record that, unlike Ryan Giggs, if you catch me shagging a glamour model with massive tits.....you can tell anybody you fucking like!!!


happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on May 25, 2011, 01:57:32 PM
I wish to place it on record that, unlike Ryan Giggs, if you catch me shagging a glamour model with massive tits.....you can tell anybody you fucking like!!!


I'd expect the glamour model with massive tits would be the one doing the gagging.  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 25, 2011, 01:58:16 PM
I wish to place it on record that, unlike Ryan Giggs, if you catch me shagging a glamour model with massive tits.....you can tell anybody you fucking like!!!


I'd expect the glamour model with massive tits would be the one doing the gagging.  whistle:

 drumroll: ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 25, 2011, 04:43:24 PM
Mr Thread? I see Mr Gutter is just arriving.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on May 26, 2011, 11:24:34 AM
Sent to me by a Scottish friend

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=shCCmYbZQ8s
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 26, 2011, 01:13:18 PM
I never click on anything that claims to be hilarious...  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 26, 2011, 02:09:24 PM
Very funny, though tailed off a bit at the end.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 26, 2011, 02:30:13 PM
"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.

"Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.

"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said.

"My point exactly."........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 26, 2011, 02:52:14 PM
"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.

"Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.

"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said.

"My point exactly."........

You don't have a Mondeo...  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 26, 2011, 02:54:14 PM
"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.

"Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.

"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said.

"My point exactly."........

You don't have a Mondeo...  noooo:

Nor a 49 year old girlfriend ,,,,,,,,,,,it was a joke ......... cussing:

And yes I did get it ..........you will be in trouble......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 26, 2011, 02:55:38 PM
"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.

"Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.

"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said.

"My point exactly."........

You don't have a Mondeo...  noooo:

Nor a 49 year old girlfriend ,,,,,,,,,,,it was a joke ......... cussing:

And yes I did get it ..........you will be in trouble......

 scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: miss Tchevious on May 26, 2011, 04:27:31 PM
"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.

"Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.

"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said.

"My point exactly."........

You don't have a Mondeo...  noooo:

Nor a 49 year old girlfriend ,,,,,,,,,,,it was a joke ......... cussing:

And yes I did get it ..........you will be in trouble......

 scared2:

Be afraid....be very afraid eveilgrin: eveilgrin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 26, 2011, 04:33:52 PM
Welcome back  eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 26, 2011, 04:40:23 PM
"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.

"Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.

"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said.

"My point exactly."........


You don't have a Mondeo...  noooo:


Nor a 49 year old girlfriend ,,,,,,,,,,,it was a joke ......... cussing:

And yes I did get it ..........you will be in trouble......


 scared2:


Be afraid....be very afraid eveilgrin: eveilgrin:


You don't know where I live like! (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-taunt002.gif) (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: miss Tchevious on May 26, 2011, 04:54:10 PM

(http://s3.postimage.org/35zniufyc/B_gravel_pile.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/35zniufyc/)

You live behind here dont you?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: miss Tchevious on May 26, 2011, 04:55:48 PM
Or here.....



(http://s3.postimage.org/3600r57wk/04_washingmachine.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/3600r57wk/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 26, 2011, 04:57:20 PM

([url]http://s3.postimage.org/35zniufyc/B_gravel_pile.jpg[/url]) ([url]http://postimage.org/image/35zniufyc/[/url])

You live behind here dont you?



 noooo: under it...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 26, 2011, 04:58:01 PM
Or here.....



([url]http://s3.postimage.org/3600r57wk/04_washingmachine.jpg[/url]) ([url]http://postimage.org/image/3600r57wk/[/url])



Feck off!  cussing:

The washer is fine!  evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: miss Tchevious on May 26, 2011, 05:15:31 PM
now now, temper temper    nonono:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on May 26, 2011, 05:28:38 PM
Business is booming for Irish divorce lawyers as wives take heed of Britain's Foreign Office advice  whistle:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-13559972
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 26, 2011, 05:37:29 PM
Wahey!!  drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 27, 2011, 11:47:33 AM
A Socialist, a Liberal, a Green and a Conservative walk into a bar.

“What can I get you to drink?” asks the barman.

The socialist demands to know why the bar is charging the same prices to all of its customers. “Some are wealthier than others,” he points out. “There should be a graduated price list so that those who can afford to pay more for their drinks do so and those who are poorer can still enjoy a full range of beverages at a subsidised price.”
“How would I know who was poor and who was wealthy?” The barman asks.
“The government would need to control bank accounts,” the Socialist says, warming to his role. “Then it would know everyone’s income and outgoings and could give each person a rating which would coincide with their ability to pay. Traders would ask for a government-provided ID card which would include such details as yearly income and would enable you to apply the correct prices.”
“People would just forge the cards, or borrow them from other people,” the Barman, who has some life experience, points out.
“The cards would be biometric and very difficult to forge. And the penalties for forgery would be severe. After all, those people would essentially be stealing from the poorest in society.”
“It sounds expensive to me. All that bureaucracy and red tape and legislation. And what if only poor people came to my bar? I’d be forced to give them all cheap drinks and I’d go bankrupt.”
“The bars which catered to the poor would be subsidised by the extra money made in the bars which catered to the rich,” the Socialist smiles.
“Who would organise that? And would I get my subsidy in time to pay my bills?”
“The State could appoint an independent panel which would consider such things and another body to manage the subsidy payments. You could apply for them in advance based on your expected turnover and your previous year’s records and any irregularity would be offset in the next tax period. It would be called ‘bar credits’.”
“I don’t really want to get involved in your social justice crusades. I’m just running a business here. Can’t I just do that?”
“You are an evil capitalist pig,” says the socialist venomously. “Give me a pint of bitter, please.”
“That’s £3.50,” the Barman tells him.
“Could you put it on my tab?” The Socialist suggests. “I don’t carry cash…”

The Liberal looks quite concerned and she says: “I notice that your bar seems to primarily cater only to middle-aged white men. Where are all the women? Why are there no other races represented? I cannot see a single disabled person!”
“I don’t control who comes in,” the Barman points out. “I just open up and they start to arrive.”
“But you have not created an environment conducive to multiculturalism.”
“What do you mean?” asks the barman, bemused.
“Well take that flag you have on the wall behind the bar…”
“The Cross Of St. George?”
“Yes. That just cries out ‘racist’. Couldn’t you have a different flag there?”
“But that’s the English flag. This is England.”
“This is also Europe. You could have the EU Flag up there!”
“Only if I want to get lynched after closing time,” the Barman mutters under his breath.
“What?” The Liberal demands.
“Nothing. Nothing,” the Barman placates her.
“Your menu here,” she continues. “Sausages and Mash. Beef & Ale Pie!” These choices are hostile to multiple religions!”
“There’s a Ploughman’s lunch!” the Barman says plaintively. “That’s just cheese, bread and some pickles.”
“Hey!” The Socialist points his stubby finger angrily, “Are you suggesting ploughmen can’t eat the same as everybody else? Workers have to be relegated to the vegetarian option?”
“Look,” The Barman sighs. “Do you want a drink or not?”
“Tap water with ice please,” the Liberal says. “I’d have wine, but I’m vice-chairing a social engagement committee on Friday and I wouldn’t want my decision-making to be impaired.”
“But today is Tuesday?” the Barman points out.

“The problem with beer,” says the Green. “Is that it’s brewed with hops which are fuel-intensive when farmed. When making menu choices we must consider the global climate repercussions.”
“What a load of pompous claptrap,” the Barman mutters.
“What?” the Green demands.
“I said, what a clever and erudite observation. So what would you like, then?”
“Do you have anything organic?”
“Orange juice?” the Barman suggests.
“Is it fair trade?”
The Barman frowns. “I’ve offered it. If you pay for it, then its fair.”
“No! Does it have the fair trade brand which shows that those who produced it have earned a fair wage for their labour?”
“You sound just like that Socialist guy,” the Barman observes.
“No, no. We’re quite different,” the Green demands quickly.
“What about apple juice then?” the Barman says. “It’s Fair Trade – because it was grown in the next village and locally squeezed.”
“But pesticides were used, I’m sure,” the Green frowns dangerously.
“I have no idea,” the Barman says. “I can’t taste any pesticides in it.”
“Let me taste!” the Green demands. The barman pours him a small sample.
“Yes!” the Green’s eyes twinkle as he sips, revealing barely controlled but oh-so-gentle fury. “Chlorpyrifos, Mancozeb and a touch of Azinphos-methyl! I knew it.”
“Okay. If you say so,” the Barman sighs. “So, let me make a guess. Tap water?”
“Tap water?” the Green shrieks. “With all the chemicals and additives that are pumped into that? I don’t think so.”
“Well, I have a rain barrel out back,” the Barman laughs. “Want me to draw you a pint from that baby?”
The Green looks eager.
“But … but … I was joking…”

The Conservative approaches and the barman rounds on him angrily.
“And what do YOU want? Fair trade, equal rights, working class, union-sanctioned, multicultural, state-controlled, climate-friendly, organic, subsidised, multi-ethnic, gender-neutral something or other?”
“I’ll have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please. And get one for yourself. You look like you need it.”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 27, 2011, 11:56:47 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 27, 2011, 07:41:51 PM
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped.

" Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again.

Stupid, stupid man.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 27, 2011, 07:43:14 PM
Affs cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 27, 2011, 07:48:40 PM
Alzheimer's!  eeek: eeek: eeek: eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 27, 2011, 07:49:46 PM
 happy100
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 29, 2011, 08:20:33 AM
http://www.cracked.com/article_18839_7-planes-perfectly-designed-to-kill-people-flying-them.html (http://www.cracked.com/article_18839_7-planes-perfectly-designed-to-kill-people-flying-them.html)
 lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 29, 2011, 08:33:18 AM
[url]http://www.cracked.com/article_18839_7-planes-perfectly-designed-to-kill-people-flying-them.html[/url] ([url]http://www.cracked.com/article_18839_7-planes-perfectly-designed-to-kill-people-flying-them.html[/url])
 lol:



 eeek: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 29, 2011, 10:09:10 AM
On a cold, wintery Sunday, after church, a stranger goes up to the minister and says, "I must confess, I came to your church to steal a hat. But when I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I changed my mind."

"Oh, you mean the commandment 'Thou shalt not steal'?" the minister replied.

"No," the man said, "When you got to the one about adultery... I remembered where I left my hat."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 29, 2011, 10:11:35 AM
On a cold, wintery Sunday, after church, a stranger goes up to the minister and says, "I must confess, I came to your church to steal a hat. But when I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I changed my mind."

"Oh, you mean the commandment 'Thou shalt not steal'?" the minister replied.

"No," the man said, "When you got to the one about adultery... I remembered where I left my hat."

 drumroll:  lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 29, 2011, 11:12:36 AM
There are three matchboxes in front of you. One contains two black marbles, the second, two white marbles and the third one has a black and a white marble inside. Each box had the correct label on it until some pesky kid switched them around so that each matchbox is now wrongly labelled.

You can take one marble at a time from any box without looking inside. How many marbles must you remove to be sure of correctly identifying all 3 boxes?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 29, 2011, 11:20:30 AM
There are three matchboxes in front of you. One contains two black marbles, the second, two white marbles and the third one has a black and a white marble inside. Each box had the correct label on it until some pesky kid switched them around so that each matchbox is now wrongly labelled.

You can take one marble at a time from any box without looking inside. How many marbles must you remove to be sure of correctly identifying all 3 boxes?


3
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 29, 2011, 11:44:40 AM
There are three matchboxes in front of you. One contains two black marbles, the second, two white marbles and the third one has a black and a white marble inside. Each box had the correct label on it until some pesky kid switched them around so that each matchbox is now wrongly labelled.

You can take one marble at a time from any box without looking inside. How many marbles must you remove to be sure of correctly identifying all 3 boxes?


One...?  rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 29, 2011, 12:00:53 PM
There are three matchboxes in front of you. One contains two black marbles, the second, two white marbles and the third one has a black and a white marble inside. Each box had the correct label on it until some pesky kid switched them around so that each matchbox is now wrongly labelled.

You can take one marble at a time from any box without looking inside. How many marbles must you remove to be sure of correctly identifying all 3 boxes?


None. Waterboard the pesky kid until he tells you.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 29, 2011, 12:02:43 PM
There are three matchboxes in front of you. One contains two black marbles, the second, two white marbles and the third one has a black and a white marble inside. Each box had the correct label on it until some pesky kid switched them around so that each matchbox is now wrongly labelled.

You can take one marble at a time from any box without looking inside. How many marbles must you remove to be sure of correctly identifying all 3 boxes?


None. Waterboard the pesky kid until he tells you.

 happy001 happy001 happy001  eveilgrin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 29, 2011, 12:30:05 PM
Well....? Popcorn:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 29, 2011, 12:37:25 PM
 Shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 29, 2011, 01:21:21 PM
Shrugs:

You don't know the answer? doh:

I must be right then...  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 29, 2011, 03:06:17 PM
Uncle will know  angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 29, 2011, 05:28:34 PM
One. Take it from the box marked B&W. If it's white then the other ball in that box must be white, Then there must be two black balls in the box labeled white and one black ball one white ball in box labeled black. Conversely if black the other ball in the box is black. the rest agains follows logically.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 29, 2011, 05:30:05 PM
Told you  cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 29, 2011, 06:14:51 PM
I got it right!  cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 29, 2011, 08:29:18 PM
I got it right!  cloud9:
By accident though.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 30, 2011, 05:32:56 AM
I got it right!  cloud9:
By accident though.

NO!  evil:

I searched for it on the Intermong...  redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 30, 2011, 07:55:03 PM
I didn't believe the wife when she said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees. Then I saw her face........


-- ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I started a new business to teach youngsters how to play the violin. Not one single customer. With hindsight, perhaps Kiddie Fiddlers wasn't the best choice of name....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 30, 2011, 07:56:05 PM
I didn't believe the wife when she said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees. Then I saw her face........


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I started a new business to teach youngsters how to play the violin. Not one single customer. With hindsight, perhaps Kiddie Fiddlers wasn't the best choice of name....


 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 31, 2011, 03:52:57 AM
I didn't believe the wife when she said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees. Then I saw her face........


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I started a new business to teach youngsters how to play the violin. Not one single customer. With hindsight, perhaps Kiddie Fiddlers wasn't the best choice of name....

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 31, 2011, 03:58:40 AM
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night, the locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 52....

...It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 31, 2011, 03:41:50 PM
I didn't believe the wife when she said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees. Then I saw her face........


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I started a new business to teach youngsters how to play the violin. Not one single customer. With hindsight, perhaps Kiddie Fiddlers wasn't the best choice of name....

happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 01, 2011, 04:02:41 PM
I just love Philip!
 

>
> 1. "Ghastly." Prince Philip's opinion of Beijing, during a 1986 tour of China.
> 2. "Ghastly." Prince Philip's opinion of Stoke-on-Trent, as offered to the city's Labour MP Joan Walley at Buckingham Palace in 1997.
> 3. "Deaf? If you're near there, no wonder you are deaf." Said to a group of deaf children standing near a Caribbean steel drum band in 2000.
> 4. "If you stay here much longer, you will go home with slitty eyes." To 21-year-old British student Simon Kerby during a visit to China in 1986.
> 5. "You managed not to get eaten then?" To a British student who had trekked in Papua New Guinea, during an official visit in 1998.
> 6. "You can't have been here that long – you haven't got a pot belly." To a British tourist during a tour of Budapest in Hungary. 1993.
> 7. "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?" Asked of a Scottish driving instructor in 1995.
> 8. "Damn fool question!" To BBC journalist Caroline Wyatt at a banquet at the Elysée Palace after she asked Queen Elizabeth if she was enjoying her stay in Paris in 2006.
> 9. "It looks as though it was put in by an Indian." The Prince's verdict of a fuse box during a tour of a Scottish factory in August 1999. He later clarified his comment: "I meant to say cowboys. "I just got my cowboys and Indians mixed up."
> 10. "People usually say that after a fire it is water damage that is the worst. We are still drying out Windsor Castle." To survivors of the Lockerbie bombings in 1993.
> 11. "We don't come here for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves." During a trip to Canada in 1976.
> 12. "A few years ago, everybody was saying we must have more leisure, everyone's working too much. Now that everybody's got more leisure time they are complaining they are unemployed. People don't seem to make up their minds what they want." A man of the people shares insight into the recession that gripped Britain in 1981.
> 13. "British women can't cook." Winning the hearts of the Scottish Women's Institute in 1961.
> 14. "It was part of the fortunes of war. We didn't have counsellors rushing around every time somebody let off a gun, asking 'Are you all right - are you sure you don't have a ghastly problem?' You just got on with it!" On the issue of stress counselling for servicemen in a TV docomeentary marking the 50th Anniversary of V-J Day in 1995.
> 15. "What do you gargle with – pebbles?" To Tom Jones, after the Royal Variety Performance, 1969. He added the following day: "It is very difficult at all to see how it is possible to become immensely valuable by singing what I think are the most hideous songs.."
> 16. "It's a vast waste of space." Philip entertained guests in 2000 at the reception of a new £18m British Embassy in Berlin, which the Queen had just opened.
> 17. "There's a lot of your family in tonight." After glancing at business chief Atul Patel's name badge during a 2009 Buckingham Palace reception for 400 influential British Indians to meet the Royal couple.
> 18. "If it has four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it." Said to a World Wildlife Fund meeting in 1986.
> 19. "You ARE a woman, aren't you?" To a woman in Kenya in 1984, after accepting a gift.
> 20. "Do you know they have eating dogs for the anorexic now?" To a wheelchair-bound Susan Edwards, and her guide dog Natalie in 2002.
> 21. "Get me a beer. I don't care what kind it is, just get me a beer!" On being offered the finest Italian wines by PM Giuliano Amato at a dinner in Rome in 2000.
> 22. "I would like to go to Russia very much – although the man without a father s murdered half my family." In 1967, asked if he would like to visit the Soviet Union.
> 23. "If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat,which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?" In a Radio 4 interview shortly after the Dunblane shootings in 1996. He said to the interviewer off-air afterwards: "That will really set the cat among the pigeons, won't it?"
> 24. "Oh, it's you that owns that ghastly car is it? We often see it when driving to Windsor Castle." To neighbour Elton John after hearing he had sold his Watford FC-themed Aston Martin in 2001.
> 25. "The problem with London is the tourists. They cause the congestion. If we could just stop the tourism, we could stop the congestion." At the opening of City Hall in 2002.
> 26. "A pissometer?" The Prince sees the renames the piezometer water gauge demonstrated by Australian farmer Steve Filelti in 2000.
> 27. "Don't feed your rabbits pawpaw fruit – it acts as a contraceptive. Then again, it might not work on rabbits." Giving advice to a Caribbean rabbit breeder in Anguilla in 1994.
> 28. "You must be out of your minds." To Solomon Islanders, on being told that their population growth was 5 per cent a year, in 1982.
> 29. "Young people are the same as they always were. They are just as ignorant." At the 50th anniversary of the Duke of Edinburgh Awards scheme.
> 30. "Your country is one of the most notorious centres of trading in endangered species." Accepting a conservation award in Thailand in 1991.
> 31. "Aren't most of you descended from pirates?" In the Cayman Islands, 1994.
> 32. "You bloody silly fool!" To an elderly car park attendant who made the mistake of not recognising him at Cambridge University in 1997.
> 33.. "Oh! You are the people ruining the rivers and the environment." To three young employees of a Scottish fish farm at Holyrood Palace in 1999.
> 34. "If you travel as much as we do you appreciate the improvements in aircraft design of less noise and more comfort – provided you don't travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly." To the Aircraft Research Association in 2002.
> 35. "The French don't know how to cook breakfast." After a breakfast of bacon, eggs, smoked salmon, kedgeree, croissants and pain au chocolat – from Gallic chef Regis Crépy – in 2002.
> 36. "And what exotic part of the world do you come from?" Asked in 1999 of Tory politician Lord Taylor of Warwick, whose parents are Jamaican. He replied: "Birmingham."
> 37. "Oh no, I might catch some ghastly disease." On a visit to Australia in 1992, when asked if he wanted to stroke a koala bear.
> 38. "It doesn't look like much work goes on at this University." Overheard at Bristol University's engineering facility. It had been closed so that he and the Queen could officially open it in 2005.
> 39. "I wish he'd turn the microphone off!" The Prince expresses his opinion of Elton John's performance at the 73rd Royal Variety Show, 2001.
> 40. "Do you still throw spears at each other?" Prince Philip shocks Aboriginal leader William Brin at the Aboriginal Cultural Park in Queensland, 2002.
> 41. "Where's the Southern Comfort?" On being presented with a hamper of southern goods by the American ambassador in London in 1999.
> 42. "Were you here in the bad old days? ... That's why you can't read and write then!" To parents during a visit to Fir Vale Comprehensive School in Sheffield, which had suffered poor academic reputation.
> 43. "Ah you're the one who wrote the letter. So you can write then? Ha, ha! Well done." Meeting 14-year old George Barlow, whose invited to the Queen to visit Romford, Essex, in 2003.
> 44. "So who's on drugs here?... HE looks as if he's on drugs.." To a 14-year-old member of a Bangladeshi youth club in 2002.
> 45. "You could do with losing a little bit of weight." To hopeful astronaut, 13-year-old Andrew Adams.
> 46. "You have mosquitoes. I have the Press." To the matron of a hospital in the Caribbean in 1966.
> 47. "The man who invented the red carpet needed his head examined." While hosts made effort to greet a state visit to Brazil, 1968.
> 48. "During the Blitz a lot of shops had their windows blown in and sometimes they put up notices saying, 'More open than usual.' I now declare this place more open than usual." Unveiling a plaque at the University of Hertfordshire's new Hatfield campus in November 2003.
> 49. Philip: "Who are you?"
>
> Simon Kelner: "I'm the editor-in-chief of The Independent, Sir."
>
> Philip: "What are you doing here?"
>
> Kelner: "You invited me."
>
> Philip: "Well, you didn't have to come!"
>
> An exchange at a press reception to mark the Golden Jubilee in 2002.
>
> 50. "No, I would probably end up spitting it out over everybody." Prince Philip declines the offer of some fish from Rick Stein's seafood deli in 2000.
> 51. "Any bloody fool can lay a wreath at the thingamy." Discussing his role in an interview with Jeremy Paxman.
> 52. "Holidays are curious things, aren't they? You send children to school to get them out of your hair. Then they come back and make life difficult for parents. That is why holidays are set so they are just about the limit of your endurance." At the opening of a school in 2000.
> 53. "People think there's a rigid class system here, but dukes have even been known to marry chorus girls. Some have even married Americans." In 2000.
> 54. "Can you tell the difference between them?" On being told by President Obama that he'd had breakfast with the leaders of the UK, China and Russia.
> 55. "I don't know how they are going to integrate in places like Glasgow and Sheffield." After meeting students from Brunei coming to Britain to study in 1998.
> 56. "Do people trip over you?" Meeting a wheelchair-bound nursing-home resident in 2002.
> 57. "That's a nice tie... Do you have any knickers in that material?" Discussing the tartan designed for the Papal visit with then-Scottish Tory leader Annabel Goldie last year.
> 58. "I have never been noticeably reticent about talking on subjects about which I know nothing." Addressing a group of industrialists in 1961.
> 59. "It's not a very big one, but at least it's dead and it took an awful lot of killing!" Speaking about a crocodile he shot in Gambia in 1957.
> 60. "Well, you didn't design your beard too well, did you? You really must try better with your beard." To a young fashion designer at a Buckingham Palace in 2009.
> 61. "So you're responsible for the kind of crap Channel Four produces!" Speaking to then chairman of the channel, Michael Bishop, in 1962.
> 62. "Dontopedalogy is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it, a science which I have practiced for a good many years." Address to the General Dental Council, quoted in Time in 1960.
> 63. "Tolerance is the one essential ingredient ... You can take it from me that the Queen has the quality of tolerance in abundance." Advice for a successful marriage in 1997.
> 64. "I never see any home cooking – all I get is fancy stuff." Commiserating about the standard of Buckingham Palace cuisine in 1962.
> 65. "I suppose I would get in a lot of trouble if I were to melt them down." On being shown Nottingham Forest FC's trophy collection in 1999.
> 66. "It makes you all look like Dracula's daughters!" To pupils at Queen Anne's School in Reading, who wear blood-red uniforms, in 1998.
> 67. "I don't think a prostitute is more moral than a wife, but they are doing the same thing." Dismissing claims that those who sell slaughtered meat have greater moral authority than those who participate in blood sports, in 1988.
> 68. "Ah, so this is feminist corner then." Joining a group of female Labour MPs, who were wearing name badges reading "Ms", at a Buckingham Palace drinks party in 2000.
> 69. "Cats kill far more birds than men. Why don't you have a slogan: 'Kill a cat and save a bird?'" On being told of a project to protect turtle doves in Anguilla in 1965.
> 70. "All money nowadays seems to be produced with a natural homing instinct for the Treasury." Bemoaning the rate of British tax in 1963.
> 71. "It is my invariable custom to say something flattering to begin with so that I shall be excused if by any chance I put my foot in it later on." Full marks for honesty, from a speech in 1956.
> 72. "Why don't you go and live in a hostel to save cash?" Asked of a penniless student.
> 73. "In education, if in nothing else, the Scotsman knows what is best for him. Indeed, only a Scotsman can really survive a Scottish education." Said when he was made Chancellor of Edinburgh University in November 1953.
> 74. "If it doesn't fart or eat hay, she isn't interested." Of his daughter, Princess Anne.
> 75. "They're not mating are they?" Spotting two robots bumping in to one another at the Science Museum in 2000.
> 76. "I must be in the only person in Britain glad to see the back of that plane." Philip did not approve of the noise Concorde made while flying over the Buckingham Palace.
> 77. "The only active sport, which I follow, is polo – and most of the work's done by the pony!" 1965
> 78. "It looks like a tart's bedroom." On seeing plans for the Duke and then Duchess of York's house at Sunninghill Park.
> 79. "Reichskanzler." Prince Philip used Hitler's title to address German chancellor Helmut Kohl during a speech in Hanover in 1997.
> 80. "We go into the red next year... I shall probably have to give up polo." Comment on US television in 1969 about the Royal Family's finances.
> 81. "Bugger the table plan, give me my dinner!" Showing his impatience to be fed at a dinner party in 2004.
> 82. "I thought it was against the law these days for a woman to solicit." Said to a woman solicitor.
> 83. "You're just a silly little Whitehall twit: you don't trust me and I don't trust you." Said to Sir Rennie Maudslay, Keeper of the Privy Purse, in the 1970s.
> 84. "What about Tom Jones? He's made a million and he's a bloody awful singer." Response to a comment at a small-business lunch about how difficult it is in Britain to get rich.
> 85. "This could only happen in a technical college." On getting stuck in a lift between two floors at the Heriot Watt University, 1958.
> 86. "I'd much rather have stayed in the Navy, frankly." When asked what he felt about his life in 1992.
> 87. "It looks like the kind of thing my daughter would bring back from her school art lessons" On being shown "primitive" Ethiopian art in 1965.
> 88. "You're not wearing mink knickers, are you?" Philip charms fashion writer Serena French at a World Wildlife Fund gathering in 1993.
> 89. "My son...er...owns them." On being asked on a Canadian tour whether he knew the Scilly Isles.
> 90. "Well, that's more than you know about anything else then." Speaking, a touch condescendingly, to Michael Buerk, after being told by the BBC newsreader that he did know about the Duke of Edinburgh's Gold Awards in 2004.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on June 01, 2011, 04:07:24 PM
Might wanna delete the e-mail addresses on that...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 01, 2011, 04:23:28 PM
Done  happy088
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on June 01, 2011, 04:26:11 PM
Done  happy088

I've done it myself.... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 01, 2011, 04:30:43 PM
Refreshinlgly un PC. As I get older I care not what I say to folks. It gets me in lots of trouble  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 01, 2011, 04:37:23 PM
Refreshinlgly un PC. As I get older I care not what I say to folks. It gets me in lots of trouble  noooo:

I think we might have noticed, florist..... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on June 01, 2011, 05:43:47 PM
Refreshinlgly un PC. As I get older I care not what I say to folks. It gets me in lots of trouble  noooo:

It gets worse believe me  razz:

When I was young I often wondered what to say; now I'm old I have to think what NOT to say  8)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 01, 2011, 05:45:44 PM
Refreshinlgly un PC. As I get older I care not what I say to folks. It gets me in lots of trouble  noooo:

It gets worse believe me  razz:

When I was young I often wondered what to say; now I'm old I have to think what NOT to say  8)

Indeed. I give not a shit.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 02, 2011, 09:46:38 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsQI-87jUBs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsQI-87jUBs)

 lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 02, 2011, 09:52:52 AM
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsQI-87jUBs[/url] ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsQI-87jUBs[/url])

 lol:


 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 02, 2011, 10:08:12 AM
Excellent. That's been forwarded  lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on June 02, 2011, 04:03:43 PM
Love it!   lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 02, 2011, 05:01:20 PM
http://www.noob.us/humor/you-will-never-guess-what-this-ad-is-about/ (http://www.noob.us/humor/you-will-never-guess-what-this-ad-is-about/)

 lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 02, 2011, 06:35:18 PM
Oh Yes !!!   happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 05, 2011, 01:28:35 PM
[url]http://www.noob.us/humor/you-will-never-guess-what-this-ad-is-about/[/url] ([url]http://www.noob.us/humor/you-will-never-guess-what-this-ad-is-about/[/url])

 lol:


Hahahahahahaha! happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 06, 2011, 04:28:20 PM
http://www.pprune.org/cabin-crew/232080-thick-passenger-comments.html (http://www.pprune.org/cabin-crew/232080-thick-passenger-comments.html)    razz:


Quote
On a domestic flight from Sydney I had this exchange with a newly arrived U.S. visitor to Australia a few years back.

Me: Madam, would you like a cup of coffee?

Passenger: Do you have any tea with yee?

Me: I'm sorry, I'm not sure what you mean by yee.....

Passenger: Oh..... no I'm sorry, do you have any tea with thou?

Me: Are you trying to speak olde english?

Passenger: Isn't that how you speak here in Australia?


Quote
PAX: what do you have to eat and drink?
CC: there is a menu just there in your seatpocket...
PAX: (pulling something out and reading it) "what? this? it dosent say food?"
CC: No, thats the sickbag...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 06, 2011, 04:42:50 PM
[url]http://www.pprune.org/cabin-crew/232080-thick-passenger-comments.html[/url] ([url]http://www.pprune.org/cabin-crew/232080-thick-passenger-comments.html[/url])    razz:


Quote
On a domestic flight from Sydney I had this exchange with a newly arrived U.S. visitor to Australia a few years back.

Me: Madam, would you like a cup of coffee?

Passenger: Do you have any tea with yee?

Me: I'm sorry, I'm not sure what you mean by yee.....

Passenger: Oh..... no I'm sorry, do you have any tea with thou?

Me: Are you trying to speak olde english?

Passenger: Isn't that how you speak here in Australia?


Quote
PAX: what do you have to eat and drink?
CC: there is a menu just there in your seatpocket...
PAX: (pulling something out and reading it) "what? this? it dosent say food?"
CC: No, thats the sickbag...



 tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 10, 2011, 11:37:24 AM
A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.



He decides to test it at dinner.





"Son, where were you today?"



Son says "at school dad."



Robot slaps the son!



"Ok, i watched a dvd at my mates!"



"What dvd?"



"Toy story."



Robot slaps the son again!



"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.



"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad.

Robot slaps the dad!



Mum laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son."



Robot slaps The mum!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 10, 2011, 12:14:04 PM
 noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 11, 2011, 08:51:42 AM
 For some strange reason this one just hit the spot for me  (http://retrogasm.tumblr.com/post/4638217725/i-swear-i-have-seen-this-in-real-life-driving-down)  lol:

I will never look at a row of pylons again without smiling
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on June 11, 2011, 09:03:26 AM
For some strange reason this one just hit the spot for me  ([url]http://retrogasm.tumblr.com/post/4638217725/i-swear-i-have-seen-this-in-real-life-driving-down[/url])  lol:

I will never look at a row of pylons again without smiling



Brilliant!  lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 11, 2011, 09:42:17 AM
For some strange reason this one just hit the spot for me  ([url]http://retrogasm.tumblr.com/post/4638217725/i-swear-i-have-seen-this-in-real-life-driving-down[/url])  lol:

I will never look at a row of pylons again without smiling


Excellent!  ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 11, 2011, 11:24:12 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on June 11, 2011, 04:08:42 PM
 lol: lol:   I always wondered what they did when you weren't looking
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 14, 2011, 02:23:14 PM
Don't Talk - Angry Voicemail (Uncensored) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1L3eeC2lJZs#ws)

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on June 14, 2011, 03:37:38 PM
For some strange reason this one just hit the spot for me  ([url]http://retrogasm.tumblr.com/post/4638217725/i-swear-i-have-seen-this-in-real-life-driving-down[/url])  lol:

I will never look at a row of pylons again without smiling



Brilliant!  lol: lol: lol:


Erm...I can't see anything - and I'm on my 'pooter too  rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on June 14, 2011, 03:41:53 PM
Neither can I ~ It had vanished within 48 hours of being posted when I tried to show the kids ...i.e. before the upgrade.

Perhaps JOM could find it again.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 14, 2011, 04:10:38 PM
Neither can I ~ It had vanished within 48 hours of being posted when I tried to show the kids ...i.e. before the upgrade.

Perhaps JOM could find it again.

Go on... blame me...  ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 14, 2011, 04:12:28 PM
Mr Thread?Meet Mr Gubber.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on June 14, 2011, 04:23:44 PM
Neither can I ~ It had vanished within 48 hours of being posted when I tried to show the kids ...i.e. before the upgrade.

Perhaps JOM could find it again.

Go on... blame me...  ::)

Ahem! ^^^^^^^^
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on June 14, 2011, 04:51:16 PM
I'm round me bruv's. He was telling me he mixed his Viagra up with Tipp-ex. Woke up with an enormous correction...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 14, 2011, 04:52:39 PM
 tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on June 14, 2011, 04:58:22 PM
As long as he's all "white"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 14, 2011, 05:05:29 PM
Neither can I ~ It had vanished within 48 hours of being posted when I tried to show the kids ...i.e. before the upgrade.

Perhaps JOM could find it again.

Go on... blame me...  ::)

Ahem! ^^^^^^^^

I got the same result as you guys. I shall look later
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on June 14, 2011, 06:14:01 PM
I'm a bad man - I set fire to an orphanage today. You should have seen their little faces light up...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on June 14, 2011, 06:21:21 PM
I am ashamed to say that made me smile  redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on June 14, 2011, 06:47:25 PM
I laughed like a drain when I heard it!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 14, 2011, 08:28:39 PM
Neither can I ~ It had vanished within 48 hours of being posted when I tried to show the kids ...i.e. before the upgrade.

Perhaps JOM could find it again.


Go on... blame me...  ::)


Ahem! ^^^^^^^^


I got the same result as you guys. I shall look later
Here you go (http://s1215.photobucket.com/albums/cc513/Darwins_Selection/)

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on June 14, 2011, 09:34:50 PM
Don't Talk - Angry Voicemail (Uncensored) ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1L3eeC2lJZs#ws[/url])

 lol: lol: lol:
Don't Talk - Angry Voicemail (Uncensored) ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1L3eeC2lJZs#ws[/url])

 lol: lol: lol:


I tried twice to quote on this message, but the youtube link was lost...gubbed... (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-happy119.gif) (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 14, 2011, 09:55:48 PM
Neither can I ~ It had vanished within 48 hours of being posted when I tried to show the kids ...i.e. before the upgrade.

Perhaps JOM could find it again.


Go on... blame me...  ::)


Ahem! ^^^^^^^^


I got the same result as you guys. I shall look later
Here you go ([url]http://s1215.photobucket.com/albums/cc513/Darwins_Selection/[/url])


Top man Darwin. You're an interweb god
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 14, 2011, 09:57:18 PM
Neither can I ~ It had vanished within 48 hours of being posted when I tried to show the kids ...i.e. before the upgrade.

Perhaps JOM could find it again.


Go on... blame me...  ::)


Ahem! ^^^^^^^^


I got the same result as you guys. I shall look later
Here you go ([url]http://s1215.photobucket.com/albums/cc513/Darwins_Selection/[/url])


Top man Darwin. You're an interweb god

 redface: I think not.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 15, 2011, 05:17:04 AM
Don't Talk - Angry Voicemail (Uncensored) ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1L3eeC2lJZs#ws[/url])

 lol: lol: lol:
Don't Talk - Angry Voicemail (Uncensored) ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1L3eeC2lJZs#ws[/url])

 lol: lol: lol:


I tried twice to quote on this message, but the youtube link was lost...gubbed... ([url]http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-happy119.gif[/url]) ([url]http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php[/url])



Well, it werks for me like....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1L3eeC2lJZs#ws (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1L3eeC2lJZs#ws)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 15, 2011, 03:30:09 PM
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-13771099 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-13771099)
 point: point: point: point: point: point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 15, 2011, 05:09:28 PM
I saw that on TV this morning, as Adrian Chiles said, Cameron and Clegg looked like two schoolboys caught with their hands in the cookie jar, they were lost for words once offscript

I loved the spineless grey suit (administrator prolly) by the door, he didn't know what to say either  point:

Top marks for that Orthapaedic surgeon
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on June 15, 2011, 07:51:03 PM
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on June 15, 2011, 11:57:06 PM
"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"It's me Mummy... It's Maddie!"

"But... But it can't be... We buried you..."

"Yeah, I'm just fucking about. It's Gerry, I forgot my key."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on June 15, 2011, 11:59:14 PM
I don't tell racist jokes as my best mate is black.


The cunt stole my joke book.  redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on June 16, 2011, 12:02:15 AM
I used to love growing up with a dyslexic father.

Whenever I swore, he'd wash my mouth out with soup.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 16, 2011, 05:10:21 AM
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

(C) Dave Allen - 1975  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 16, 2011, 05:10:52 AM
"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"It's me Mummy... It's Maddie!"

"But... But it can't be... We buried you..."

"Yeah, I'm just fucking about. It's Gerry, I forgot my key."

happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 16, 2011, 09:49:48 PM
A copper stopped a drunkem man at 2am and asked him where he was going, he replied 'I am going to attend a lecture on the evils of drink, the subsequent consequences on relationships and long term health'

The copper asked him 'who the hell is giving such lectures at the this time of the night'

The drunk replied 'the f'ckin wife'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on June 16, 2011, 10:26:31 PM
A copper stopped a drunkem man at 2am and asked him where he was going, he replied 'I am going to attend a lecture on the evils of drink, the subsequent consequences on relationships and long term health'

The copper asked him 'who the hell is giving such lectures at the this time of the night'

The drunk replied 'the f'ckin wife'

Been there...done that...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 16, 2011, 10:27:51 PM
A copper stopped a drunkem man at 2am and asked him where he was going, he replied 'I am going to attend a lecture on the evils of drink, the subsequent consequences on relationships and long term health'

The copper asked him 'who the hell is giving such lectures at the this time of the night'

The drunk replied 'the f'ckin wife'

Been there...done that...
How did he react?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on June 16, 2011, 10:40:33 PM
he was not impressed...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 21, 2011, 12:25:07 PM
Little Billy was upstairs watching TV in his bedroom. He comes downstairs and said to his dad, "what's love juice?" His dad looks horrified, but tells Billy all about sex and why a woman gets "wet". Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement
Dad asks, "so, WTF were you watching?"
Billy replied, "Wimbledon"






and I know you can't get that score in tennis
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 21, 2011, 01:50:54 PM
Little Billy was upstairs watching TV in his bedroom. He comes downstairs and said to his dad, "what's love juice?" His dad looks horrified, but tells Billy all about sex and why a woman gets "wet". Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement
Dad asks, "so, WTF were you watching?"
Billy replied, "Wimbledon"






and I know you can't get that score in tennis


 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 21, 2011, 06:45:17 PM
My mrs just said to me ' You have been having an affair with that Welsh slapper from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch'

I replied ... 'How can you say that ? '



I thought my mother-in-law would have been an ideal candidate for a new reality show I saw advertised . That was until I realised the title actually read Old Fact Hunt .
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 21, 2011, 07:51:08 PM
I thought my mother-in-law would have been an ideal candidate for a new reality show I saw advertised . That was until I realised the title actually read Old Fact Hunt .

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 22, 2011, 06:45:52 AM
Some jackass nearly ran me off the road the other night.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 22, 2011, 06:49:13 AM
I've heard there's a new drive-thru restaurant opening soon called McCanns.

The window is always open and you take what you want.........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 22, 2011, 07:29:37 AM
Some jackass nearly ran me off the road the other night.

 drumroll:  lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 22, 2011, 03:39:06 PM
Ancient Skeleton (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yWRpse27Yc#)  ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 22, 2011, 04:15:59 PM
 tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 22, 2011, 05:42:39 PM
LL would like this  angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 24, 2011, 06:01:28 AM
I asked a Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had . He fell asleep while counting them
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 24, 2011, 06:04:57 AM
I was shagging a woman over her kitchen table when her husband walked in the front door . She said 'Quick . The back door'
Her hubby caught us at it , but there was no way I was gonna turn down that opportunity .
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 24, 2011, 07:32:59 AM
I was shagging a woman over her kitchen table when her husband walked in the front door . She said 'Quick . The back door'
Her hubby caught us at it , but there was no way I was gonna turn down that opportunity .

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 24, 2011, 02:39:20 PM
When asked by journalists what they would be doing this summer Arsene Wenger said "I will plan tactics so that Arsenal will win a trophy next season."

Harry Rednap said " I will spend the summer shagging Kylie Minogue, Pamela Anderson and Angelina Jolie at the same time."

When the journalist told Harry to be serious he pointed to Arsene Wenger and said... "Well he fucking started it!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 24, 2011, 02:53:55 PM
When asked by journalists what they would be doing this summer Arsene Wenger said "I will plan tactics so that Arsenal will win a trophy next season."

Harry Rednap said " I will spend the summer shagging Kylie Minogue, Pamela Anderson and Angelina Jolie at the same time."

When the journalist told Harry to be serious he pointed to Arsene Wenger and said... "Well he fucking started it!"

This is a football-related joke is it...? Shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 24, 2011, 03:05:14 PM
When asked by journalists what they would be doing this summer Arsene Wenger said "I will plan tactics so that Arsenal will win a trophy next season."

Harry Rednap said " I will spend the summer shagging Kylie Minogue, Pamela Anderson and Angelina Jolie at the same time."

When the journalist told Harry to be serious he pointed to Arsene Wenger and said... "Well he fucking started it!"

This is a football-related joke is it...? Shrugs:

 ::) Gayer:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 24, 2011, 03:07:08 PM
When asked by journalists what they would be doing this summer Arsene Wenger said "I will plan tactics so that Arsenal will win a trophy next season."

Harry Rednap said " I will spend the summer shagging Kylie Minogue, Pamela Anderson and Angelina Jolie at the same time."

When the journalist told Harry to be serious he pointed to Arsene Wenger and said... "Well he fucking started it!"

This is a football-related joke is it...? Shrugs:

 ::) Gayer:

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 28, 2011, 08:55:11 AM
 Trolling a dating site  (http://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&f=210&t=1017090&mid=0&i=0&nmt=How+to+troll+a+dating+website%2E%2E%2E%2E%2E%2E&mid=0)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 28, 2011, 11:35:44 AM
Trolling a dating site  ([url]http://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&f=210&t=1017090&mid=0&i=0&nmt=How+to+troll+a+dating+website%2E%2E%2E%2E%2E%2E&mid=0[/url])


 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 28, 2011, 11:10:20 PM
Trolling a dating site  ([url]http://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&f=210&t=1017090&mid=0&i=0&nmt=How+to+troll+a+dating+website%2E%2E%2E%2E%2E%2E&mid=0[/url])


 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 03, 2011, 09:17:14 PM
I asked a mate to get me some viagra because I had a hot date . I saw him a few days later and he asked me how it went . 'Ten times' I replied .
'Ten times . You are lucky you didn't break your back'
'Lucky I didn't break my wrist . She didn't turn up'

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 04, 2011, 04:24:05 AM
I asked a mate to get me some viagra because I had a hot date . I saw him a few days later and he asked me how it went . 'Ten times' I replied .
'Ten times . You are lucky you didn't break your back'
'Lucky I didn't break my wrist . She didn't turn up'

 lol: lol: lol:


Ooohhh, is it time for me toast joke?  razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on July 04, 2011, 01:23:58 PM
How do you turn a fox into an elephant ?

Marry it
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 04, 2011, 02:05:50 PM
How do you turn a fox into an elephant ?

Marry it

 drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 05, 2011, 04:38:38 PM
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.



I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.



The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 05, 2011, 05:04:08 PM
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 05, 2011, 08:18:00 PM
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.



I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.



The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 05, 2011, 08:43:48 PM
Footy in the old days:

ACTUALLY POSTED ON THE SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY FOOTBALL CLUB WEBSITE

"I'm feeling all angry about these modern day footballers, I know why they have gone all soft - It's because of poncy names.  That's what it is.

Remember the old days, when footy players kicked a fucking ball made out of ten pound of clay stitched inside a steel-reinforced leather shell with laces made out of piano wire?

Well, in them days, players could only survive the rigours of the game because they were called things like Albert, Arthur, Bert, Harry, Bill, Eddie, Bob, Jack and Tommy.  Fucking tough names for tough men, them was!

And what do we have now?  Jason, Wayne, Dean, Ryan, Jamie, Robbie.
Fucking tarts' names, they are great big fucking puffs.  No wonder the ball's like a fucking balloon and shin pads is like slices of bread.  In the old days you never saw a Len Shackleton or a Billy Wright with a puffy little Sondico piece of paper down his little thin socks.  Fucking shin pads in them days was made out of library books, and sock’s was like sackcloth.

Same with the jerseys, fucking shirts with holes in now so they can breathe. Yes, so that little Jody's hairless chest can breathe and he doesn't get a chill. Fuck off.  Stanley Matthews used to dribble round Europe's finest wearing a fucking tent and shorts cobbled together from the jacket of his de-mob suit. Aye, he fucking did.  No wonder players fall over all the time whenever an opponent comes anywhere near them.

And they never used to show their arses at one another either.  Can you imagine what might have happened if Don Revie had flashed his ring at Nat Lofthouse during a City-Bolton Wanderers game?  He'd have got one of
them size 10 hobnail fuckers up his bastard chuff.

Fucking therapy for stress my arse!  Stan Collymore slaps his missus about and he takes three seasons off with stress counselling.  What the fuck is that all about?  In the old days it was expected for footballers to belt the old sow about a bit, especially after a bad defeat.  And the women used to expect it, and so they should have.  They was lucky to be married to footballers.  Ha! Trevor Morley got a kitchen knife in his back off his wife and was out of action for three month, soft twat.  Archie McShitt of Port Vale got run over with horse and cart one Friday night and he still turned out against Bradford the following day and he scored two goals.

That's co’s his name wasn't "Trevor".  Good old Archie.  Broke his hip, both his legs, murdered his wife and buried her under the patio and still made the England team for the Home Internationals.  Did he have any "stress
counselling"?  Did he bollocks!

And drugs?  There was none of that in the old days.  Oh, no.  In them days it was a quick shot of morphine before kick-off and you was lucky if you got that. By half-time it had all but wore off so they pumped you full of laudanum.  None of this cocaine sniffing and shooting up Class A narcotics.

‘Goal celebrations’?  Don't talk to me about goal celebrations.  Crawling on the floor and thrusting their hips at the crowd. Huh!  I'd like to have seen Cliff Bastin do that after a run down the left flank and crossing for Alex James to fire home a winner.  Handshakes...and that was all you got, that and a wank in the showers afterwards.  But it was a proper wank, all man stuff.  None of these puffy wanks between blokes that you get nowadays with players like Greame Le Saux and Stephen Gerrard.

Allegedly, In them days there was now’t wrong with it cos it didn't mean now’t. They used to say there was a "gay atmosphere" in the dressing room after the match.  But it didn't mean owt mucky. Just a bit of harmless spanking the plank among healthy young sportsmen, aye.  I know me dad told me.

Sixty grand a fucking week!  Ha!  I wouldn't pay 'em tuppence.  Two bob Tommy Lawton used to get...a month!  And Tom Finney still worked as a plumber four days a week when he was playing for England.  It's true, you know, it fucking is.  Players had to work in them days just to make up their money. Not like today.

Stan Pearson had to clean sewers and doubled up as Old Trafford shithouse cleaner.  He had to go off during one game because some cunt had built a log cabin and blocked the U-bend.  And that Eddie Hapgood was a male model...though he never liked to talk about it.

So I say we start calling kids real male names again.  If you're having a kid, don't even consider puffy names and shit names like what people call their kids these days.  Otherwise what we gonna get in twenty years' time?

The England team full of players called Keanu, Ronan, Ashley and fucking Chesney.  Fuck that!  Call your kids Alf, Herbert, Len, Frank, Fred and Wilf.  And let's get the puffs out of the game once and for all.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 05, 2011, 09:12:31 PM
My sister writes to complain:

Quote
Classic conversation with my hypochondriac friend - after hearing her latest list of ailment she finished with 'and I've lost more than a stone' Me: 'so have I' Her: 'Yes but I didn't need to'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 06, 2011, 03:17:54 AM
Footy in the old days:

ACTUALLY POSTED ON THE SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY FOOTBALL CLUB WEBSITE

"I'm feeling all angry about these modern day footballers, I know why they have gone all soft - It's because of poncy names.  That's what it is.

Remember the old days, when footy players kicked a fucking ball made out of ten pound of clay stitched inside a steel-reinforced leather shell with laces made out of piano wire?

Well, in them days, players could only survive the rigours of the game because they were called things like Albert, Arthur, Bert, Harry, Bill, Eddie, Bob, Jack and Tommy.  Fucking tough names for tough men, them was!

And what do we have now?  Jason, Wayne, Dean, Ryan, Jamie, Robbie.
Fucking tarts' names, they are great big fucking puffs.  No wonder the ball's like a fucking balloon and shin pads is like slices of bread.  In the old days you never saw a Len Shackleton or a Billy Wright with a puffy little Sondico piece of paper down his little thin socks.  Fucking shin pads in them days was made out of library books, and sock’s was like sackcloth.

Same with the jerseys, fucking shirts with holes in now so they can breathe. Yes, so that little Jody's hairless chest can breathe and he doesn't get a chill. Fuck off.  Stanley Matthews used to dribble round Europe's finest wearing a fucking tent and shorts cobbled together from the jacket of his de-mob suit. Aye, he fucking did.  No wonder players fall over all the time whenever an opponent comes anywhere near them.

And they never used to show their arses at one another either.  Can you imagine what might have happened if Don Revie had flashed his ring at Nat Lofthouse during a City-Bolton Wanderers game?  He'd have got one of
them size 10 hobnail fuckers up his bastard chuff.

Fucking therapy for stress my arse!  Stan Collymore slaps his missus about and he takes three seasons off with stress counselling.  What the fuck is that all about?  In the old days it was expected for footballers to belt the old sow about a bit, especially after a bad defeat.  And the women used to expect it, and so they should have.  They was lucky to be married to footballers.  Ha! Trevor Morley got a kitchen knife in his back off his wife and was out of action for three month, soft twat.  Archie McShitt of Port Vale got run over with horse and cart one Friday night and he still turned out against Bradford the following day and he scored two goals.

That's co’s his name wasn't "Trevor".  Good old Archie.  Broke his hip, both his legs, murdered his wife and buried her under the patio and still made the England team for the Home Internationals.  Did he have any "stress
counselling"?  Did he bollocks!

And drugs?  There was none of that in the old days.  Oh, no.  In them days it was a quick shot of morphine before kick-off and you was lucky if you got that. By half-time it had all but wore off so they pumped you full of laudanum.  None of this cocaine sniffing and shooting up Class A narcotics.

‘Goal celebrations’?  Don't talk to me about goal celebrations.  Crawling on the floor and thrusting their hips at the crowd. Huh!  I'd like to have seen Cliff Bastin do that after a run down the left flank and crossing for Alex James to fire home a winner.  Handshakes...and that was all you got, that and a wank in the showers afterwards.  But it was a proper wank, all man stuff.  None of these puffy wanks between blokes that you get nowadays with players like Greame Le Saux and Stephen Gerrard.

Allegedly, In them days there was now’t wrong with it cos it didn't mean now’t. They used to say there was a "gay atmosphere" in the dressing room after the match.  But it didn't mean owt mucky. Just a bit of harmless spanking the plank among healthy young sportsmen, aye.  I know me dad told me.

Sixty grand a fucking week!  Ha!  I wouldn't pay 'em tuppence.  Two bob Tommy Lawton used to get...a month!  And Tom Finney still worked as a plumber four days a week when he was playing for England.  It's true, you know, it fucking is.  Players had to work in them days just to make up their money. Not like today.

Stan Pearson had to clean sewers and doubled up as Old Trafford shithouse cleaner.  He had to go off during one game because some cunt had built a log cabin and blocked the U-bend.  And that Eddie Hapgood was a male model...though he never liked to talk about it.

So I say we start calling kids real male names again.  If you're having a kid, don't even consider puffy names and shit names like what people call their kids these days.  Otherwise what we gonna get in twenty years' time?

The England team full of players called Keanu, Ronan, Ashley and fucking Chesney.  Fuck that!  Call your kids Alf, Herbert, Len, Frank, Fred and Wilf.  And let's get the puffs out of the game once and for all.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 08, 2011, 09:46:22 AM
Just lost my job as a personal shopper in a major department store. A woman asked me "What type of watch would best suit an Afro Caribbean gentleman?"

It would seem that my answer of "A neighbourhood one", was not appreciated..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on July 08, 2011, 10:14:41 AM
 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 08, 2011, 08:57:02 PM
Just lost my job as a personal shopper in a major department store. A woman asked me "What type of watch would best suit an Afro Caribbean gentleman?"

It would seem that my answer of "A neighbourhood one", was not appreciated..........
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 09, 2011, 09:55:01 AM
My sister sends me a text:

Quote
There is a fault with my phone at present, but leave me a message and the News of The World will forward it to me later
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 09, 2011, 09:55:47 AM
My sister sends me a text:

Quote
There is a fault with my phone at present, but leave me a message and the News of The World will forward it to me later


happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 14, 2011, 05:27:32 PM
Students at a local school were assigned to read two books and write a book report. The books were: 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:        cost -  $29.99
Clinton :      cost -  $29.99
Titanic:        Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :      Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:       The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :       The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,  and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:        Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :       Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic:        In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :       Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:        During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:       Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:        Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :      Let's not go there.
Titanic:        Rose gets to keep her jewellery
Clinton :      Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:        Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:      Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.
Titanic:        Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:       Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:        Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :      Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 14, 2011, 05:31:39 PM
 drumroll: drumroll: drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 15, 2011, 04:38:29 AM
Students at a local school were assigned to read two books and write a book report. The books were: 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:        cost -  $29.99
Clinton :      cost -  $29.99
Titanic:        Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :      Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:       The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :       The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,  and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:        Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :       Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic:        In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :       Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:        During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:       Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:        Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :      Let's not go there.
Titanic:        Rose gets to keep her jewellery
Clinton :      Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:        Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:      Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.
Titanic:        Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:       Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:        Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :      Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: miss Tchevious on July 16, 2011, 11:51:14 AM
 happy002 feckin excellent!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on July 16, 2011, 09:02:26 PM
So, apparently it's just a bit of lighthearted fun when people dress up to go and see Harry Potter at the cinema, but when you do the same for Schindler's List you're some kind of sick weirdo.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on July 16, 2011, 09:08:45 PM
 ;D

 confused:

 eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 16, 2011, 10:51:01 PM
So, apparently it's just a bit of lighthearted fun when people dress up to go and see Harry Potter at the cinema, but when you do the same for Schindler's List you're some kind of sick weirdo.
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 16, 2011, 11:27:34 PM
So, apparently it's just a bit of lighthearted fun when people dress up to go and see Harry Potter at the cinema, but when you do the same for Schindler's List you're some kind of sick weirdo.

Gonna use that one .............(cheque in the post ....... whistle:)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 17, 2011, 04:36:29 AM
So, apparently it's just a bit of lighthearted fun when people dress up to go and see Harry Potter at the cinema, but when you do the same for Schindler's List you're some kind of sick weirdo.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on July 17, 2011, 12:40:34 PM

What's the biggest difference between men and women?

What they mean, when they say: "I got through a whole box of tissues watching that film."

 redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 17, 2011, 12:42:42 PM
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on July 17, 2011, 01:06:48 PM
My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.

Just this morning she asked, "Is that the best you can do?

 redface: redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 17, 2011, 01:11:14 PM
My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.

Just this morning she asked, "Is that the best you can do?

 redface: redface: redface:


 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 17, 2011, 01:48:13 PM
My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.

Just this morning she asked, "Is that the best you can do?

 redface: redface: redface:


 ;D ;D ;D

 lol: lol: lol: Another one fer yer act apc....  ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on July 17, 2011, 02:01:12 PM
Imagine winning £161 million in the lottery, you could buy anything you ever wanted.

Except a neck.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 17, 2011, 02:08:21 PM
Imagine winning £161 million in the lottery, you could buy anything you ever wanted.

Except a neck.

The fat bastards probably could get necks with that amount!  lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on July 17, 2011, 02:11:27 PM
More material for APC...




Whats the worst thing about spit-roasting a baby?

That awkward moment when your bell-ends bump together...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 17, 2011, 02:13:05 PM
More material for APC...




Whats the worst thing about spit-roasting a baby?

That awkward moment when your bell-ends bump together...


EEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!  eeek:

Don't we have an offensive jokes thread...?  rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on July 17, 2011, 02:16:21 PM
I would hate to be a ginger on "Who wants to be a millionaire?"

Phone a friend would be useless.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 17, 2011, 02:19:10 PM
I would hate to be a ginger on "Who wants to be a millionaire?"

Phone a friend would be useless.

 lol: lol: lol:


Poor Nick....  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on July 17, 2011, 02:21:21 PM
I bought a recipe book for desserts that's all backwards,

It's getting me stressed.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 17, 2011, 02:25:52 PM
I bought a recipe book for desserts that's all backwards,

It's getting me stressed.

 ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on July 17, 2011, 02:34:06 PM
Mahatma Gandhi always walked barefoot and ultimately the soles of his feet became thick and very hard. He also was, of course, known to be a man of deep spiritual conviction. He undertook hunger strikes as a political protest and at times was both thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his weird diet, he suffered from bad breath.In fact, in time he came to be known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.





































 happy001 happy001 happy001


 redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 17, 2011, 02:41:17 PM
Mahatma Gandhi always walked barefoot and ultimately the soles of his feet became thick and very hard. He also was, of course, known to be a man of deep spiritual conviction. He undertook hunger strikes as a political protest and at times was both thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his weird diet, he suffered from bad breath.In fact, in time he came to be known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.





































 happy001 happy001 happy001


 redface:

Is this the 1983 Boys Book of Jokes you've been reading while straining in the mornings....?  rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: miss Tchevious on July 17, 2011, 05:48:49 PM
My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.

Just this morning she asked, "Is that the best you can do?

 redface: redface: redface:


 ;D ;D ;D

 lol: lol: lol: Another one fer yer act apc....  ;)

He did it today noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 17, 2011, 05:49:34 PM
My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.

Just this morning she asked, "Is that the best you can do?

 redface: redface: redface:


 ;D ;D ;D

 lol: lol: lol: Another one fer yer act apc....  ;)

He did it today noooo:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on July 19, 2011, 09:03:15 AM
Replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the
section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way...

    ...Who's your Daddy?


1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins,
Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley. I am
unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but
I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my
child as I was being sick out of a window when taken
unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list
of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little
girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue
where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do
remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you
do manage to track down the father, can you please send me
his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my
daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my
stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW
service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a
Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate
and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he
informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that
would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn
between doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise.

7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do
catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my
AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time....
well, I don't have clue.

8. From the dates, it seems that my daughter was
conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic
Kingdom.

9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing
that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme
about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and
watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56
Miller St, mine might have remained unfertilized.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my
baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you
can't be sure which one made you fart.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on July 19, 2011, 09:21:14 AM
My mate showed me his new treatment for his Tourettes. It's a small crystal pyramid in his garden which he has to stand near when his condition gets bad.

He swears by it.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 19, 2011, 09:29:52 AM
My mate showed me his new treatment for his Tourettes. It's a small crystal pyramid in his garden which he has to stand near when his condition gets bad.

He swears by it.

 drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 20, 2011, 02:32:15 PM
A custard pie has been thrown at Rupert Murdoch on live TV.

Apparently, the clown prosecution service will be investigating.......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 20, 2011, 02:38:06 PM
A custard pie has been thrown at Rupert Murdoch on live TV.

Apparently, the clown prosecution service will be investigating.......
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 20, 2011, 04:17:53 PM
My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 20, 2011, 04:45:27 PM
My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 20, 2011, 07:55:58 PM
Grandad went into a nursing home .
I rang to see how he was settling in and they told me he was like a fish out of water .
I assumed by that they meant he wasn't settling in well .
Then they told me he was dead .
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 20, 2011, 08:09:54 PM
I went out last night , had a few too many beers , and woke up next to a fat bird this morning .
I handed her a peice of paper as I left , and told her 'If you want to see me again call this number' .
She said 'you haven't written your name on it' .
To which I replied 'It ain't my number . It's for WeightWatchers you fat fucker'

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 22, 2011, 12:12:03 AM
I went out last night , had a few too many beers , and woke up next to a fat bird this morning .
I handed her a peice of paper as I left , and told her 'If you want to see me again call this number' .
She said 'you haven't written your name on it' .
To which I replied 'It ain't my number . It's for WeightWatchers you fat fucker'

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on July 22, 2011, 02:53:23 AM
Wheelchair users are so ungrateful.

They've put ramps up for them all over my town but you never see the lazy fuckers doing any tricks.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 22, 2011, 05:36:45 AM
Wheelchair users are so ungrateful.

They've put ramps up for them all over my town but you never see the lazy fuckers doing any tricks.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 22, 2011, 09:12:12 AM
My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?


Oooohh... Is it time for my penguin joke?  cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on July 22, 2011, 09:13:19 AM
My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?


Oooohh... Is it time for my penguin joke?  cloud9:

Go on then .... since there's only the two of us here but be quick.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 22, 2011, 09:53:20 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aySEdLaEDc8&feature=player_embedded (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aySEdLaEDc8&feature=player_embedded) razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on July 22, 2011, 01:59:33 PM
http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Mens-Pop-White-Storm-Watch-/330591109342?pt=UK_Jewelery_Watches_Watches_MensWatches_GL&hash=item4cf8c400de (http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Mens-Pop-White-Storm-Watch-/330591109342?pt=UK_Jewelery_Watches_Watches_MensWatches_GL&hash=item4cf8c400de)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 22, 2011, 02:11:55 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 22, 2011, 02:42:44 PM
[url]http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Mens-Pop-White-Storm-Watch-/330591109342?pt=UK_Jewelery_Watches_Watches_MensWatches_GL&hash=item4cf8c400de[/url] ([url]http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Mens-Pop-White-Storm-Watch-/330591109342?pt=UK_Jewelery_Watches_Watches_MensWatches_GL&hash=item4cf8c400de[/url])


happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 22, 2011, 02:53:07 PM
My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?


Oooohh... Is it time for my penguin joke?  cloud9:

Go on then .... since there's only the two of us here but be quick.

A penguin is driving thru Nevada. His car breaks down in a small town off the highway. The Penguin stops in at a body shop.

Mechanic " well it's going to take an hour for me to figure out the problem, take a look around the town and come back in about an hour"

Penguin " Ok"

He walks around the town, and notices it is real blistering hot out. Walking along he discovers and ice cream shop. He stops in and orders a large bowl of vanilla ice cream. His flippers are unable to hold the fork, so he just starts shoveling ice cream into his mouth. He makes an enormous mess.

He heads back to the body shop and the mechanic turns to him and says

" looks like you blew a seal"

Penguin " NO it's just ice cream" !

 happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 22, 2011, 02:55:06 PM
Penguin Joke (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OpuuAa7gdE#)

 whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on July 22, 2011, 03:00:02 PM
I think the chimp delivered it better ...... You know, the first post.  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 22, 2011, 03:04:21 PM
I think the chimp delivered it better ...... You know, the first post.  whistle:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 22, 2011, 06:06:42 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aySEdLaEDc8&feature=player_embedded (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aySEdLaEDc8&feature=player_embedded) razz:

Uploaded to youtube Oct 2006.  ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 23, 2011, 05:47:19 PM
BBC News Website: Amy Winehouse, 27, found dead
Related Story: Winehouse comeback tour cancelled.

Well, that was a safe bet.........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 24, 2011, 04:48:15 AM
BBC News Website: Amy Winehouse, 27, found dead
Related Story: Winehouse comeback tour cancelled.

Well, that was a safe bet.........

 lol: lol: lol:

[checks] Feck mew she is dead!  eeek:

Was only a matter of time I suppose....  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 24, 2011, 06:16:01 AM
Was only a matter of time I suppose....  noooo:

Another safe bet for everyone.  ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 24, 2011, 06:18:25 AM
Was only a matter of time I suppose....  noooo:

Another safe bet for everyone.  ::)

Indeed...  lol:

That's what makes Celebrity Death Bingo so exciting!  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on July 25, 2011, 09:16:48 AM
Before telling such sick and abusive jokes about Amy Winehouse, think about her poor close friends.

Imagine how they'll feel on Tuesday when they wake up and find out.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 25, 2011, 10:08:27 AM
Before telling such sick and abusive jokes about Amy Winehouse, think about her poor close friends.

Imagine how they'll feel on Tuesday when they wake up and find out.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 26, 2011, 09:23:14 AM
Quote
THE BERNANKE GENERATOR
Flying cunt class from Bogota to Sao Paulo today, I made an important discovery. If you go through the Wall Street Journal, delete the word ``said'' from all the stories, and replace it with something else, the newspaper becomes about 15% less tedious.

For example:
-"We don't have a precise read on why this slower pace of growth is persisting," Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke whimpered.

-"We have no expectation or intention to get involved in state and local finance," Mr. Bernanke snarled.

-"This is really a political, fiscal issue," he chortled.

-"If we bail out one state, then all of the debt of all of the states is almost explicitly put on the books of the federal government," House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan yelped.

I'm trying to design The Bernanke Generator. You simply copy and paste your WSJ article, and it automatically converts it for you, free of charge. Bernanke sneered, Bernanke tittered, Bernanke roared, Bernanke guffawed, Bernanke sobbed...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 26, 2011, 11:02:11 AM
What do Amy Winelodge & Alex Ferguson have in common ?

Neither of 'em will be playing Giggs this autumn
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on July 26, 2011, 05:24:12 PM
Fuck me - this  surprise murder- mystery weekend that I'm on in Norway is well over the feckin top !!!!!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 30, 2011, 01:24:20 PM
"Hi Mum, I'm back."

"And where do you think you've been all afternoon?"

"Playing down by the railway line with my half-sister."

"She's not your half......."


(sorry TMR ).......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 07, 2011, 06:33:12 PM
When I saw all the niggers rioting on Tottenham high street I knew I had to find somewhere safe to hide where they wouldn't go.

I'm in the job centre..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 07, 2011, 06:46:17 PM
That s quite tasteless.
























USE IT
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 08, 2011, 10:27:28 PM
I bet the kaiser chiefs are feeling pretty smug now........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 08, 2011, 10:34:16 PM
 ;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on August 08, 2011, 10:40:32 PM
At the gym tonight one of the regular guys came in with new trainers on . He got such a ribbing from the other fellas about being a hoodie hoodlum that he ended up going back into the changing room and bringing out a receipt.

He then got the piss taken out of him for how much he had paid for this vile pair of trainers  lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on August 09, 2011, 06:11:12 AM
London police have released CCTV footage of the youths involved in the riots in Tottenham last night.

Anyone who recognises any of the teeth should call Crimestoppers immediately.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on August 11, 2011, 05:55:40 PM
London Olympics 2012

London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012.

You may not know is that many of the famous events, which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:

OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve."

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be... mincing

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on August 11, 2011, 09:15:41 PM
I was watching the news with my wife last night. "It looks like the Kaiser Chiefs were right." I said.

"Yeah, very funny," she replied. "I Predict A Riot."

I said, "No... Everyday I Love You Less And Less."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 11, 2011, 09:17:27 PM
I was watching the news with my wife last night. "It looks like the Kaiser Chiefs were right." I said.

"Yeah, very funny," she replied. "I Predict A Riot."

I said, "No... Everyday I Love You Less And Less."


 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on August 11, 2011, 09:23:31 PM
Ironically, in exactly a year's time in London there will be hundreds of youth's running about trying to take either gold, silver or bronze and it will all be started with the single shot of a pistol.      
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on August 11, 2011, 09:27:12 PM
Following the recent riots across the cities in England… the French have surrendered.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on August 11, 2011, 09:29:19 PM
One for Growler ...


I said to my mate “We’re in the middle of a huge recession, we’ve got Noel Edmonds on TV and we’ve got rioting on the streets of London. It’s like being back in the 80′s”

He said “Yeah, what’s next, Liverpool win the league?”

Oh how we both laughed.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 11, 2011, 11:45:26 PM
Ironically, in exactly a year's time in London there will be hundreds of youth's running about trying to take either gold, silver or bronze and it will all be started with the single shot of a pistol.      

Moderators, can you have a word with that TMR chap? He keeps repeating what Miss D says before she says it  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on August 12, 2011, 12:43:45 AM
Ironically, in exactly a year's time in London there will be hundreds of youth's running about trying to take either gold, silver or bronze and it will all be started with the single shot of a pistol.      

Moderators, can you have a word with that TMR chap? He keeps repeating what Miss D says before she says it  whistle:

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on August 12, 2011, 05:00:23 AM
It's my own form of  protest ....... lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on August 12, 2011, 08:09:12 AM



For all you husbands who hate shopping.



My wife, was always after me to go shopping with her..

Then I began wearing my new t -shirt.

She doesn't want me to go shopping with  her anymore ..can't think why  rubschin:







(http://www.thekumachan.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/t-shirt.jpg)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on August 12, 2011, 08:16:04 AM
Do they make that in Extra Large?  angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 12, 2011, 09:24:07 AM
Had to sit with my husband  in A&E last night while he had seventeen stitches taken out. That'll teach him to give me a bloody sewing kit for my birthday.


(Thanks to Barmisspah)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 16, 2011, 02:53:20 PM
My girlfriend invited me to her house. I found her sister alone in the house, she was unbelievably sexy and whispered in my ear, "I have feelings for you, shall we have sex?", I immediately turned around and walked to the front door to go to my car. I found my girlfriend standing there, she hugged me and said: You've won my trust - Moral of the story:



 always keep your condoms in the car.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 16, 2011, 02:55:09 PM
My girlfriend invited me to her house. I found her sister alone in the house, she was unbelievably sexy and whispered in my ear, "I have feelings for you, shall we have sex?", I immediately turned around and walked to the front door to go to my car. I found my girlfriend standing there, she hugged me and said: You've won my trust - Moral of the story:



 always keep your condoms in the car.


Its not true about the old ones being the best then....?  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 16, 2011, 07:52:31 PM
My wife loves getting steamy and squirting...

The many wonders of ironing.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 18, 2011, 05:44:42 PM
Dear Santa.

Don't fucking bother coming this year, I have loads of stuff already.

Delroy, aged 9, Tottenham.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on August 19, 2011, 12:06:11 AM
Dear Santa.

Don't fucking bother coming this year, I have loads of stuff already.

Delroy, aged 9, Tottenham.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 19, 2011, 04:23:22 AM
Dear Santa.

Don't fucking bother coming this year, I have loads of stuff already.

Delroy, aged 9, Tottenham.

 ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 24, 2011, 09:03:03 PM
I often wondered why Activia adverts are aimed so exclusively at women.

"Men experience bloatiness too I thought. "Why not include them? What's with the focus on women?"

Tonight it struck me. When men are bloated, they fart and don't go out and spending £2.99 on f**king yoghurt.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 25, 2011, 04:54:43 AM
I often wondered why Activia adverts are aimed so exclusively at women.

"Men experience bloatiness too I thought. "Why not include them? What's with the focus on women?"

Tonight it struck me. When men are bloated, they fart and don't go out and spending £2.99 on f**king yoghurt.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 25, 2011, 09:00:18 PM
Fly Sat Nav (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aO-szrQ8go4#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on August 25, 2011, 11:48:05 PM
Fly Sat Nav ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aO-szrQ8go4#[/url])


 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 26, 2011, 04:32:54 AM
Fly Sat Nav ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aO-szrQ8go4#[/url])


 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 26, 2011, 08:12:25 AM

(http://s4.postimage.org/2wkcogrs4/image0044.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/2wkcogrs4/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 26, 2011, 09:52:00 AM

([url]http://s4.postimage.org/2wkcogrs4/image0044.jpg[/url]) ([url]http://postimage.org/image/2wkcogrs4/[/url])


Shouldn't this be in 'Fantastic Headlines'...?  rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 30, 2011, 07:13:29 PM
Spent £40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger.

Just opened it and some nice bloke's sent me a magnifying glass!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 31, 2011, 02:16:00 AM
Got in a fight with a sea creature who I thought was my friend.

Turns out he was anemone.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 31, 2011, 05:37:12 AM
Got in a fight with a sea creature who I thought was my friend.

Turns out he was anemone.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 31, 2011, 11:04:37 AM
I was sent to prison for continually exposing my bottom. This was many moons ago.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 31, 2011, 11:38:52 AM
I was sent to prison for continually exposing my bottom. This was many moons ago.

 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 31, 2011, 11:58:47 AM
Towards the end of the Jurassic Period, the Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 31, 2011, 01:20:33 PM
Towards the end of the Jurassic Period, the Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 31, 2011, 04:50:37 PM
Towards the end of the Jurassic Period, the Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 31, 2011, 05:16:59 PM
Towards the end of the Jurassic Period, the Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.

 lol:  lol:  lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 31, 2011, 05:40:40 PM
Towards the end of the Jurassic Period, the Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.

 lol:  lol:  lol:

You're supposed to post five....  ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 31, 2011, 05:43:10 PM
Can't get the staff these day, eh BM?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 31, 2011, 05:44:06 PM
Can't get the staff these day, eh BM?

Nope...  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 31, 2011, 05:47:35 PM
Towards the end of the Jurassic Period, the Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.

 lol:  lol:  lol:

You're supposed to post five....  ::)

Me sides were hurting too much  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 31, 2011, 05:49:19 PM
Towards the end of the Jurassic Period, the Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.

 lol:  lol:  lol:

You're supposed to post five....  ::)

Me sides were hurting too much  whistle:

Epic fail...  ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 31, 2011, 09:06:26 PM
Why do men twist their wedding rings?

They are trying to work out the combination.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 01, 2011, 04:00:43 AM
Why do men twist their wedding rings?

They are trying to work out the combination.

 lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 02, 2011, 02:43:04 PM
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles


From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.
Regards, David.

(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_cZxxrxI8S7o/SSCyUsK7taI/AAAAAAAAAYM/1H1fduhB2fE/s400/spider.gif)


From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Thank you for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.
Regards, David.


From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear David,
You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
Yes please.
Regards, David.


From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Attached <spider.gif>

(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_cZxxrxI8S7o/SSCyUsK7taI/AAAAAAAAAYM/1H1fduhB2fE/s400/spider.gif)


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Whose spider is that?

Dear Jane,
Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.
Regards, David.


From: Jane Gilles
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David,
Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th. David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95.
Please make this payment as soon as possible.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.05am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Automated Out of Office Response

Thankyou for contacting me.
I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.
Regards, David.


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb ommission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.
Regards, David.

(http://www.w7forums.com/attachments/340d1244832290-spider-payment-e-mail-spiderdrawing2.gif)

 
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David,
As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lei of money for accounts outstanding. We accept cheque, bank cheque, money order or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

I understand and will definitely make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.
Regards, David.


From: Jane Gilles
Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Attached <spider2.gif>

(http://www.w7forums.com/attachments/340d1244832290-spider-payment-e-mail-spiderdrawing2.gif)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on September 02, 2011, 02:45:47 PM
 Popcorn:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 02, 2011, 04:43:02 PM
I might give that a try with Wandsworth COuncil  angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 05, 2011, 10:50:35 AM
Science shows that owls have the sharpest hearing on the planet.

They have clearly never tested a man watching porn whilst his wife is asleep.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 05, 2011, 12:07:28 PM
Science shows that owls have the sharpest hearing on the planet.

They have clearly never tested a man watching porn whilst his wife is asleep.


 lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 05, 2011, 01:44:32 PM
Science shows that owls have the sharpest hearing on the planet.

They have clearly never tested a man watching porn whilst his wife is asleep.

 lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 05, 2011, 02:58:36 PM
 lol:  lol:  lol:  lol:  lol:  lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 05, 2011, 02:59:28 PM
Did I do it right Barman, did I do it right?  ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 05, 2011, 03:21:35 PM
Did I do it right Barman, did I do it right?  ;D

You did! Good lad!  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 06, 2011, 05:16:16 AM
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.....I'm a gynecologist".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 06, 2011, 07:54:41 AM
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.....I'm a gynecologist".
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 06, 2011, 09:37:25 PM
Not from the inbox, but stolen from Vic Reeves

VR -  "What happens at the end of the Italian Job"
Ronnie Ancona - "Ooh, the coach hangs over the edge of the cliff, and the gold is just balancing blah blah............




VR - No,  the Italian wipes his arse  ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 07, 2011, 04:28:51 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 19, 2011, 05:38:11 PM

(http://s4.postimage.org/2jf33rr6s/dog_crap_cartoon.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/2jf33rr6s/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 19, 2011, 05:46:08 PM

([url]http://s4.postimage.org/2jf33rr6s/dog_crap_cartoon.jpg[/url]) ([url]http://postimage.org/image/2jf33rr6s/[/url])


 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 21, 2011, 05:59:44 PM
From last nights Shameless, in the pub quiz...

Who said, "Please sir, I want some more"

Bobby Sands  ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 21, 2011, 06:06:36 PM
From last nights Shameless, in the pub quiz...

Who said, "Please sir, I want some more"

Bobby Sands  ;D

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 22, 2011, 08:58:20 PM
I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up.

That's me in the korma.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on September 22, 2011, 09:01:12 PM
I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up.

That's me in the korma.

 drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 22, 2011, 09:02:17 PM
I said to my dyslexic mate, "Guess which band has split up?"

He said, "Erm..."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 23, 2011, 05:42:02 AM
I said to my dyslexic mate, "Guess which band has split up?"

He said, "Erm..."

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 26, 2011, 01:18:35 PM
I believe a lot of conflict in the old west could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.


Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on September 26, 2011, 01:21:07 PM
 drumroll:  lol: lol: lol:  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 26, 2011, 01:56:42 PM
I believe a lot of conflict in the old west could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 27, 2011, 07:09:23 AM
Somebody should start an e-petition to raise Twitter's character limit to 150, I think 140 isn't enough to get your point across, if you agree pl
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 27, 2011, 07:15:28 AM
Somebody should start an e-petition to raise Twitter's character limit to 150, I think 140 isn't enough to get your point across, if you agree pl

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 27, 2011, 05:38:31 PM
A lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a lorry came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a copper in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the lorry hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.

"My Rolex !!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 27, 2011, 06:29:47 PM
A lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a lorry came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a copper in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the lorry hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.

"My Rolex !!"

Surely it would be his right arm, assuming it was in this country?  rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 27, 2011, 06:46:53 PM
Not for us lefties  angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 27, 2011, 07:47:03 PM
Not for us lefties  angel1
I am right handed and have always worn my watch on my left wrist.

There are many cows would thank me for that.

Nick, you are a sad and lonely man, start a poll.

It should use up a few more minutes of your otherwise pointless, left-handed existence.

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 27, 2011, 07:59:32 PM
 sad32:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 28, 2011, 05:33:22 AM
Not for us lefties  angel1
I am right handed and have always worn my watch on my left wrist.

There are many cows would thank me for that.

Nick, you are a sad and lonely man, start a poll.

It should use up a few more minutes of your otherwise pointless, left-handed existence.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 28, 2011, 06:53:42 AM
Not for us lefties  angel1
I am right handed and have always worn my watch on my left wrist.

There are many cows would thank me for that.

Nick, you are a sad and lonely man, start a poll.

It should use up a few more minutes of your otherwise pointless, left-handed existence.

 evil: There are an awful lot of us on this site...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 28, 2011, 06:56:28 AM
I got into an argument with my girlfriend. She said, "You treat this house like a hotel."

I said, "I have NEVER snorted cocaine off a hooker's tits in this house."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on September 28, 2011, 07:02:44 AM
I got into an argument with my girlfriend. She said, "You treat this house like a hotel."

I said, "I have NEVER snorted cocaine off a hooker's tits in this house."

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 28, 2011, 07:03:04 AM
I've just ordered the personal number plate BAA BAA.

Should look cool on my black jeep.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 28, 2011, 07:04:05 AM
I've just ordered the personal number plate BAA BAA.

Should look cool on my black jeep.

doh:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 28, 2011, 07:23:11 AM
Apologies if this is an Affsism

Ultimate Dog Tease (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 28, 2011, 07:50:42 AM
Apologies if this is an Affsism

Ultimate Dog Tease ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw#[/url])


It is...  ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 28, 2011, 01:20:45 PM
After Man U's bad performance last night - seen in a newspaper - "Fergie's Basle faulties".

:-)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 29, 2011, 09:53:03 AM
So here I am in the Internet Cafe with the biggest fucking nigger I've ever seen reading every word I ty
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 29, 2011, 10:01:39 AM
Why don't black people go on cruises?

They're not falling for that one again.





I'm Josef Fritzl and no windows was my idea.




My girlfriend is a porn star.

She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.



Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez.

It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.



ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on September 29, 2011, 10:12:32 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 29, 2011, 11:07:00 AM
 lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 29, 2011, 12:35:08 PM
 ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 29, 2011, 12:50:19 PM
 lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 02, 2011, 03:04:38 PM

(http://s4.postimage.org/100jcvpwk/295954_277643955587597_259406447411348_1049317_2095244494_n.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/100jcvpwk/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 02, 2011, 03:09:07 PM

([url]http://s4.postimage.org/100jcvpwk/295954_277643955587597_259406447411348_1049317_2095244494_n.jpg[/url]) ([url]http://postimage.org/image/100jcvpwk/[/url])


Wankah:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 12, 2011, 02:58:13 AM
What's the difference between cancer and a black man?

Cancer gets Jobs..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 12, 2011, 04:59:50 AM
Ten years ago we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash and no f***ing hope
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 12, 2011, 05:28:12 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on October 12, 2011, 03:02:28 PM
I was chatting up a pikey bird in the pub last night  when she asked if I’d like to go back to her place and have a good time.

She wasn’t fucking kidding.

I went on the waltzers ; dodgems and the ghost train. I even came home with a goldfish !!!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 12, 2011, 03:10:00 PM
I was chatting up a pikey bird in the pub last night  when she asked if I’d like to go back to her place and have a good time.

She wasn’t fucking kidding.

I went on the waltzers ; dodgems and the ghost train. I even came home with a goldfish !!!!

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 12, 2011, 03:14:30 PM
SO that is why Tipsy travels so much. SHe is diversifying.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on October 14, 2011, 06:14:17 AM
Ten years ago we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash and no f***ing hope

Better hope Kevin Bacon doesn't die!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on October 14, 2011, 07:17:58 AM
Ten years ago we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash and no f***ing hope

Better hope Kevin Bacon doesn't die!

And P.S. I bet the whole of Ethiopia are shitting it that Anneka Rice don't snuff it.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 14, 2011, 08:02:48 AM
Ten years ago we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash and no f***ing hope

Better hope Kevin Bacon doesn't die!

And P.S. I bet the whole of Ethiopia are shitting it that Anneka Rice don't snuff it.

Not to mention the Greeks and the Loan Ranger.  redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 14, 2011, 06:20:52 PM
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon, are excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to
discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist.  Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob asks the man behind the counter, "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist says, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds. "
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We certainly do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult incontinence pants?"
Pharmacist: "Certainly."







Jacob: "We'd like to use this shop for our wedding presents list..."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on October 14, 2011, 07:12:19 PM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 16, 2011, 11:56:53 AM
Ten years ago we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash and no f***ing hope

Better hope Kevin Bacon doesn't die!

And P.S. I bet the whole of Ethiopia are shitting it that Anneka Rice don't snuff it.

Not to mention the Greeks and the Loan Ranger.  redface:

 drumroll:  lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 17, 2011, 08:26:26 PM
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today.
 
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have £0.00 today.
 
But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then crushed in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have received a £214.00 payment from the scrap metal dealer.

Based on the above, without doubt, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.


A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be British, doesn't it?  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 18, 2011, 05:31:10 AM
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today.
 
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have £0.00 today.
 
But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then crushed in the aluminium cans for recycling, you would have received a £214.00 payment from the scrap metal dealer.

Based on the above, without doubt, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.



I'm sure this is an AFFS moment but I can't find it... perhaps it was at the other place....  rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on October 18, 2011, 06:07:24 AM
Or perhaps you are mistaken  scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 18, 2011, 06:12:22 AM
Again  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 18, 2011, 06:25:05 AM
I remember debunking getting £1,000 of beer and £214 back for the cans....  rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 18, 2011, 06:38:11 AM
Well aluminium cans are worth ~£950 per tonne...

So you'd have to get ~200Kg of cans with your £1,000 of beer for it to be valid...

A can weighs ~15g so you'd have to have bought 13,000 tins of beer with your £1,000 at ~ £0.08p each....  rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 18, 2011, 06:40:53 AM
You are obviously rushed off your feet today  point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on October 18, 2011, 06:42:00 AM
Well aluminium cans are worth ~£950 per tonne...

So you'd have to get ~200Kg of cans with your £1,000 of beer for it to be valid...

A can weighs ~15g so you'd have to have bought 13,000 tins of beer with your £1,000 at ~ £0.08p each....  rubschin:


Don't you think this is taking pedantry just a tad too far ..... even by our standards?  ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 18, 2011, 06:45:26 AM
Well aluminium cans are worth ~£950 per tonne...

So you'd have to get ~200Kg of cans with your £1,000 of beer for it to be valid...

A can weighs ~15g so you'd have to have bought 13,000 tins of beer with your £1,000 at ~ £0.08p each....  rubschin:


Don't you think this is taking pedantry just a tad too far ..... even by our standards?  ;)

Oh noes...  lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on October 18, 2011, 06:52:07 AM
Well aluminium cans are worth ~£950 per tonne...

So you'd have to get ~200Kg of cans with your £1,000 of beer for it to be valid...

A can weighs ~15g so you'd have to have bought 13,000 tins of beer with your £1,000 at ~ £0.08p each....  rubschin:


Don't you think this is taking pedantry just a tad too far ..... even by our standards?  ;)

Oh noes...  lol:

Fair 'nuff  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on October 18, 2011, 07:12:01 AM
Oh BM  noooo: noooo: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 18, 2011, 07:17:55 AM
Oh BM  noooo: noooo: noooo:

Wha...? Shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on October 18, 2011, 05:47:31 PM
"There is nothing worse than fading into anonymous obscurity."

- Unknown
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 18, 2011, 05:49:13 PM
 surrender:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 18, 2011, 06:26:56 PM
"There is nothing worse than fading into anonymous obscurity."

- Unknown

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on October 21, 2011, 12:37:29 PM
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says," A circumcision."

The second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on October 21, 2011, 01:30:55 PM
And who said women can't tell jokes ;-)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on October 24, 2011, 08:07:20 AM
Sir Alex Ferguson has responded to the anguish of his fans and offered to provide counselling and support if needed.

A free 24hour helpline has been set up . Anyone  affected by yesterday's events should contact 0800 616161
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 29, 2011, 09:08:23 AM

(http://s4.postimage.org/76x6tpq4p/Premature_Ejaculators_Anonymous.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/76x6tpq4p/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 29, 2011, 12:42:40 PM

([url]http://s4.postimage.org/76x6tpq4p/Premature_Ejaculators_Anonymous.jpg[/url]) ([url]http://postimage.org/image/76x6tpq4p/[/url])
drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 29, 2011, 09:12:44 PM
What a selfish cunt Jimmy Saville is.
I wrote to that old scrote, asking him to fix it for me to meet Michael Jackson, but he's gone on his own instead..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on October 29, 2011, 09:29:15 PM
A young lad knocked on the door last night and said "Trick or Treat?"
I said "What have you come as?"
He said "A werewolf."
I said "But you haven't got a costume on, you're just in normal clothes"
He said "Well it's not a full moon yet is it, dickhead?"

Cunt.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 30, 2011, 05:09:19 AM
What a selfish cunt Jimmy Saville is.
I wrote to that old scrote, asking him to fix it for me to meet Michael Jackson, but he's gone on his own instead..........

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 01, 2011, 06:49:20 AM
Out on the golf course four guys are waiting at the mens tee while four women are hitting from the ladies' tee.  The ladies are taking their time
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet.  Then she goes over and misses it completely.  Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
 
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help." 
 
One of the men immediately responds,  "Well, there you have it.  You should have taken golf lessons instead!" 


He never even had a chance to duck.  He was 43......................poor sod  sad24:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 01, 2011, 07:02:19 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on November 01, 2011, 09:19:43 AM
(http://img441.imageshack.us/img441/8843/womenase2.jpg)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on November 01, 2011, 11:15:35 AM
([url]http://img441.imageshack.us/img441/8843/womenase2.jpg[/url])


Why is this in the Comedy Room?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 01, 2011, 11:17:21 AM
 drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on November 01, 2011, 05:10:03 PM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 05, 2011, 11:19:46 AM

(http://s7.postimage.org/9dsad8b13/Women_Bacon1.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/9dsad8b13/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 05, 2011, 07:57:22 PM
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
      him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place
      where he knows her from.
      So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the
      father of one of my kids.'  Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
      unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that
      I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
      whipped my butt with wet celery???'
      She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
 
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 05, 2011, 08:12:26 PM
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
      him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place
      where he knows her from.
      So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the
      father of one of my kids.'  Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
      unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that
      I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
      whipped my butt with wet celery???'
      She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

AFFS!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 05, 2011, 08:14:14 PM
I thought so too, but it was your turn. It'll be mine soon though  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on November 05, 2011, 08:14:28 PM
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
      him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place
      where he knows her from.
      So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the
      father of one of my kids.'  Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
      unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that
      I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
      whipped my butt with wet celery???'
      She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
 

 rubschin:  True story
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 06, 2011, 11:31:21 PM
Did you hear, Taunton RFC won the National Guy Fawkes competition!..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 07, 2011, 11:00:13 AM
Monica Lewinsky turns 50.
Can you believe it ?  It seems like only yesterday, she was crawling around 
the White House on her hands and knees,
Putting everything in her mouth................
They grow up so fast, don't they?
 
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 07, 2011, 11:10:25 AM
Monica Lewinsky turns 50.
Can you believe it ?  It seems like only yesterday, she was crawling around 
the White House on her hands and knees,
Putting everything in her mouth................
They grow up so fast, don't they?

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 07, 2011, 06:19:37 PM
Monica Lewinsky - D.O.B 23.07.73  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 07, 2011, 06:24:17 PM
I bet you are popular at parties evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 07, 2011, 06:24:43 PM
Monica Lewinsky - D.O.B 23.07.73  whistle:

He lied!  eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 07, 2011, 09:42:25 PM
Monica Lewinsky - D.O.B 23.07.73  whistle:

He lied!  eeek:

Probably thinking of '69.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 08, 2011, 08:52:25 AM
Laurel and Hardy dance to the Rolling Stones (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x1tkXHr2y6s#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 08, 2011, 09:23:10 AM

(http://s9.postimage.org/6z6uc10i3/312734_10150457690265695_555015694_10606145_56087226_n.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/6z6uc10i3/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 09, 2011, 08:25:03 PM
Suicide bombers... if you really want to see 70 virgins, then simply pop down to GAME at midnight when they do the next big computer game release.

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 10, 2011, 11:26:16 AM
Suicide bombers... if you really want to see 70 virgins, then simply pop down to GAME at midnight when they do the next big computer game release.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on November 12, 2011, 09:24:59 PM
UK's Adele overkill now at critical levels. Scientists estimate one-third of all the sounds you hear are made by Adele.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 13, 2011, 07:00:06 AM
UK's Adele overkill now at critical levels. Scientists estimate one-third of all the sounds you hear are made by Adele.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on November 13, 2011, 05:21:56 PM
Hey, the Greek economy is so bad they've had to cut production of humus and taramasalata. Its a double-dip recession.


Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 13, 2011, 05:37:47 PM
Hey, the Greek economy is so bad they've had to cut production of humus and taramasalata. Its a double-dip recession.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 14, 2011, 06:30:21 AM
Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in
Greece.

The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single
lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous.

When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?"

The Spaniard replied; "No."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 14, 2011, 06:36:44 AM
 :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 14, 2011, 06:44:03 AM
:thumbsup:

I thought you would 'AFFS' it...  rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 14, 2011, 06:49:28 AM
I'm surprised you had time to type copy and paste it, what with you polishing yer bloody coconut like  ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 14, 2011, 06:51:30 AM
I'm surprised you had time to type copy and paste it, what with you polishing yer bloody coconut like  ;)

Golden coconut if you don't mind!  lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 19, 2011, 07:28:00 PM
I think re-opening the case into Natalie Wood's death after all these years is going overboard.....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 19, 2011, 07:31:44 PM
I think re-opening the case into Natalie Wood's death after all these years is going overboard.....

 eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 19, 2011, 07:33:19 PM
I think re-opening the case into Natalie Wood's death after all these years is going overboard.....

 eeek:

Keep up......... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 19, 2011, 07:34:11 PM
I think re-opening the case into Natalie Wood's death after all these years is going overboard.....

 eeek:

Keep up......... ::)

I'm treading water...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on November 20, 2011, 10:52:21 PM
Jeremy Kyle's 12 Days of Christmas;

12 Cans of Carling
11 DNA tests
10 Dads to choose from
9   teeth between them
8   squeezed in tracksuits
7   stinking smackrats
6   Dunlop trainers
..........5 stolen rings
4  fat slags
3  ugly twats
2  timing dickheads
and a wanker who parades them on TV
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 20, 2011, 11:06:30 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on November 23, 2011, 07:16:31 AM
There's lies, damn lies, and estimated downloading times.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 23, 2011, 07:18:19 AM
There's lies, damn lies, and estimated downloading times.

...on that subject

...yesterday I drugged some birds of prey and plucked them, I was just about to put the feathers in the back of my van when I was caught by the police and they arrested me for ill eagle down loading.

 redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 23, 2011, 07:21:38 AM
There's lies, damn lies, and estimated downloading times.

...on that subject

...yesterday I drugged some birds of prey and plucked them, I was just about to put the feathers in the back of my van when I was caught by the police and they arrested me for ill eagle down loading.

 redface:

[groans]  lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 23, 2011, 07:23:33 AM
I've been diagnosed with chronic fear of giants; Feefiphobia.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on November 23, 2011, 07:24:49 AM
You've been up all night haven't ya ?

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 23, 2011, 07:26:15 AM
I've just seen a really sad looking ghost.

He must have been through some things in his life.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on November 23, 2011, 02:07:14 PM
Your Bad Self - Lemonade sketch (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZ18TBefhIw#ws)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 23, 2011, 02:37:31 PM
Your Bad Self - Lemonade sketch ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZ18TBefhIw#ws[/url])


happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 24, 2011, 04:54:44 PM
I have a feeling my deaf mate is upset about something.

He's started to sign the blues.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 24, 2011, 05:48:23 PM
I have a feeling my deaf mate is upset about something.

He's started to sign the blues.

Wah, wah, wah....  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 24, 2011, 06:17:54 PM
Oh come on, BM - it's clean and not racist for a change!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 24, 2011, 06:26:38 PM
Oh come on, BM - it's clean and not racist for a change!

That is why............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 24, 2011, 06:33:21 PM
Oh, O.K. then...

"Doctor, can you cure my insomnia?"

"Of course. We just have to get rid of the root cause."

"Won't be easy - the wife's a bit fond of that fucking baby."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on November 24, 2011, 09:52:27 PM
I have a feeling my deaf mate is upset about something.

He's started to sign the blues.

Wah, wah, wah....  noooo:

Wah, Wah, Wah..

I think that was his air wah wah pedal that goes with his air guitar...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 25, 2011, 01:15:43 PM
I can't believe Jimmy Carr is in trouble just for making a joke about retarded kids.

My brother is a retard, and when I told him the joke, he shat himself.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 25, 2011, 01:21:48 PM
I can't believe Jimmy Carr is in trouble just for making a joke about retarded kids.

My brother is a retard, and when I told him the joke, he shat himself.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 27, 2011, 01:56:26 PM
How do you know when you've crossed the border into Wales?

Speed is limited to 42..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 27, 2011, 02:03:06 PM
How do you know when you've crossed the border into Wales?

Speed is limited to 42..........

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 27, 2011, 02:11:42 PM
SPEED KILLS........





















Himself.......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 27, 2011, 02:27:00 PM
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 28, 2011, 06:47:01 AM
Grab your taco, you've pulled a dyslexic Mexican.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 28, 2011, 06:48:07 AM
Grab your taco, you've pulled a dyslexic Mexican.


 lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 28, 2011, 07:10:55 AM
Grab your taco, you've pulled a dyslexic Mexican.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 28, 2011, 01:45:39 PM
A Merry Hunt (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vc5dKqoFtKk#ws)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on November 28, 2011, 02:15:49 PM
 lol: lol: lol:

I do hope Wenchy doesn't pop in   scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 28, 2011, 02:29:42 PM
lol: lol: lol:

I do hope Wenchy doesn't pop in   scared2:

 scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 28, 2011, 02:37:06 PM
lol: lol: lol:

I do hope Wenchy doesn't pop in   scared2:

You were going to post some pictures of her popping out weren't you?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on November 28, 2011, 02:47:51 PM
As if  angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 29, 2011, 07:51:37 PM
Happy Birthday Ryan Giggs (29.11.73), I suppose it'll be a quiet affair this year
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 29, 2011, 08:15:43 PM
Happy Birthday Ryan Giggs (29.11.73), I suppose it'll be a quiet affair this year
drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on December 01, 2011, 12:42:42 PM
Teenagers today drink twice as much as they did ten years ago.

To be fair, though, they were only aged between 3 and 9 ten years ago.

 

 

 

I was on Dragon's Den but got chucked out.

Apparently asking Deborah Meaden to "fuck off and get me a sandwich while the men talk business" is unacceptable.

 

 

 

I was eating my tea last night when I suddenly thought to myself, "This milk must be seriously out of date."

 

 

Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies?

 

 

 

I have a dream: a dream that, one day, chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned.

 

 

 

 

Me: "What's that smell?"

Wife: "I can't smell anything"

Me: "Neither can I, get that fucking cooker on"

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 01, 2011, 12:44:39 PM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 01, 2011, 11:57:09 PM
The women arrested for racism on the tram learned a valuable lesson in life id like to think.....

Don't ring John Terry to have chat while your in public..............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 02, 2011, 03:00:14 PM
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on December 02, 2011, 09:20:55 PM
A pedant walks into a bar. Well, it's a restaurant with a bar. Technically it's a brewpub since it has an onsite microbrewery.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 02, 2011, 10:00:33 PM
A pedant walks into a bar. Well, it's a restaurant with a bar. Technically it's a brewpub since it has an onsite microbrewery.
lol: lol: lol: worthy:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 03, 2011, 07:42:25 AM
A pedant walks into a bar. Well, it's a restaurant with a bar. Technically it's a brewpub since it has an onsite microbrewery.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on December 04, 2011, 05:21:56 PM
I was in a Garden centre with my wife the other day and she turns to me and says  "You know you're the most lazy bastard I have ever met ..." Well I don't mind telling you, I nearly fell out of the wheelbarrow...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 04, 2011, 06:01:37 PM
I was in a Garden centre with my wife the other day and she turns to me and says  "You know you're the most lazy bastard I have ever met ..." Well I don't mind telling you, I nearly fell out of the wheelbarrow...

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 04, 2011, 06:57:04 PM
I had to take my Madeleine McCann Advent calendar back........

All the doors were left open , and there wasn't even an infant in the manger !
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 04, 2011, 07:00:11 PM
I had to take my Madeleine McCann Advent calendar back........

All the doors were left open , and there wasn't even an infant in the manger !

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 06, 2011, 01:51:29 PM
All I Want For Christmas - HMS OCEAN (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDZcGz4vmJc#ws)

Excellent!  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 06, 2011, 03:04:22 PM
All I Want For Christmas - HMS OCEAN ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDZcGz4vmJc#ws[/url])

Excellent!  :thumbsup:


Gayer............ noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 06, 2011, 03:13:33 PM
All I Want For Christmas - HMS OCEAN ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDZcGz4vmJc#ws[/url])

Excellent!  :thumbsup:


Gayer............ noooo:


 evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: miss Tchevious on December 06, 2011, 04:23:56 PM
All I Want For Christmas - HMS OCEAN ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDZcGz4vmJc#ws[/url])

Excellent!  :thumbsup:


Gayer............ noooo:




though BM might like this one..... whistle:

Gay XMas (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6HlFEESDhU#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 06, 2011, 05:03:56 PM
All I Want For Christmas - HMS OCEAN ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDZcGz4vmJc#ws[/url])

Excellent!  :thumbsup:


Gayer............ noooo:




though BM might like this one..... whistle:

Gay XMas ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6HlFEESDhU#[/url])


Feck off!  cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: miss Tchevious on December 06, 2011, 05:25:24 PM
sorry......maybe you prefer this one.... whistle:

Coming Out at Christmas - London Gay Men's Chorus (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWPMkDDAb7w#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 06, 2011, 05:25:55 PM
sorry......maybe you prefer this one.... whistle:

Coming Out at Christmas - London Gay Men's Chorus ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWPMkDDAb7w#[/url])

Bugger off!  censored:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: miss Tchevious on December 06, 2011, 06:29:57 PM
betterer?..... whistle:

Violet Sexy Christmas (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vHb43N5YZo#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 06, 2011, 06:32:54 PM
betterer?..... whistle:

Violet Sexy Christmas ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vHb43N5YZo#[/url])


That'll do!  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 06, 2011, 06:32:55 PM
She's a bit fat. noooo:

Must be all those lollipops noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on December 07, 2011, 09:33:18 PM
(http://www.bitterwallet.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/461912704-1.jpg)

 lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on December 07, 2011, 09:44:55 PM
She's a bit fat. noooo:

Must be all those lollipops noooo:

Fat??? Take yer reading glasses off man...she's just right...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 08, 2011, 05:22:44 AM
([url]http://www.bitterwallet.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/461912704-1.jpg[/url])

 lol:


 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 08, 2011, 08:20:49 AM
A few friends got together and bought me a Christmas sweater.....









I'd have preferred a screamer or a moaner but you can't have everything can you..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 08, 2011, 09:21:21 AM
A few friends got together and bought me a Christmas sweater.....


I'd have preferred a screamer or a moaner but you can't have everything can you..........

Hardly credible...  ::)

We all know you haven't got any friends...  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 08, 2011, 03:20:55 PM
I went for my first real check up today and the man cupped my bollocks and told me to cough.

"How do you feel?" He asked.

"I feel like I need to change dentists mate." I replied...........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 08, 2011, 03:22:00 PM
I went for my first real check up today and the man cupped my bollocks and told me to cough.

"How do you feel?" He asked.

"I feel like I need to change dentists mate." I replied...........

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 13, 2011, 07:11:51 PM
Funny Banned Commercial by IKEA (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYTQSqmjluk#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 13, 2011, 07:13:34 PM
Funny Banned Commercial by IKEA ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYTQSqmjluk#[/url])


happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Creant Commander of the picklement and baking BAb(Hons) on December 14, 2011, 04:16:16 PM
All I Want For Christmas - HMS OCEAN ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDZcGz4vmJc#ws[/url])

Excellent!  :thumbsup:


Gayer............ noooo:




though BM might like this one..... whistle:

Gay XMas ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6HlFEESDhU#[/url])


I know that this did the rounds last Christmas but IMO deserves a second viewing.

The 12 Gays of Christmas (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BSedhEoutP0#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 14, 2011, 06:54:35 PM
All I Want For Christmas - HMS OCEAN ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDZcGz4vmJc#ws[/url])

Excellent!  :thumbsup:


Gayer............ noooo:




though BM might like this one..... whistle:

Gay XMas ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6HlFEESDhU#[/url])


I know that this did the rounds last Christmas but IMO deserves a second viewing.

The 12 Gays of Christmas ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BSedhEoutP0#[/url])


 noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 14, 2011, 09:19:23 PM
Tipsy been in yet?  scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 14, 2011, 09:38:29 PM
Tipsy been in yet?  scared2:

She left just before you came in.

I thought she might have passed you on her way to the Ladies.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 17, 2011, 01:17:32 PM
Nothing says, "Sorry I ran over your daughter"
No, seriously, nothing.
Not even Moonpig.com
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on December 19, 2011, 06:41:31 AM
Don't you just love it when wimmin do this  lol:

Guess (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUF5nJt4cD8#ws)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 19, 2011, 06:44:11 AM
Gubbed  Banghead
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 19, 2011, 06:45:10 AM
Gubbed  Banghead

Fixed  angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 19, 2011, 06:47:52 AM
Don't you just love it when wimmin do this  lol:

Guess ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUF5nJt4cD8#ws[/url])


happy001

Reminds me of the Dave Allen joke... cept it was a gas mask in that one....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on December 20, 2011, 10:48:51 AM
UNCLASSIFIED
                                                                           Christmas Health and Safety.                       
                                                                           
 Before we get down to the happy business of singing Christmas Carols later in the month, the following are some things to consider from an occupational health and safety point of view:-                                                   
                                                                       
Jingle Bells                                                             
Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh                     
O'er the fields we go laughing all the way                               
             
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please  note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.                                             
                                                                           
                                                                           
While Shepherds Watched                                                 
 While shepherds watched their flocks by night all seated on the ground,   
 The angel of the Lord came down and glory shone around                   
                                                                         
The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.                                               
                                                                                                                                                   
 Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been  issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and  Glory                                                           

 Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer                                           
 Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose.                   
 And if you ever saw him, you would even say it glows.                     

 You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of   any part of Mr. R. Reindeer.  Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on   full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.     
                                                                           
 Little Donkey.                                                           
 Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road                                                                                                       
 Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load                   
                                                                           
 The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the  guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles.
 The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights. 
 
                                                                           
 We Three Kings.                                                         
We three kings of Orient are, bearing gifts we traverse afar.             
 Field and fountain, moor and mountain following yonder star                                                                                         
                                                                           
 Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient's name or perhaps give a gift voucher.                   
                                                                         
 We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC route finder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves. 

 
 Away in a Manger.                                                       
 Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed                                                                                                                   
                                                                           
 That's enough ..... quick .... call the Social Services.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 20, 2011, 10:51:08 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 23, 2011, 08:56:31 AM
http://youtu.be/ah5xFMYbP4s (http://youtu.be/ah5xFMYbP4s)

As it is Xmas...  Xmas5:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on December 23, 2011, 09:04:03 AM
Well ~ That's you off Santa's list then.  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 23, 2011, 09:13:55 AM
Well ~ That's you off Santa's list then.  whistle:

 Xmas3:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on December 23, 2011, 09:18:21 AM
You can't have it both ways. Either you believe in Christmas and therefore celebrate the birth of Christ or you don't in which case why the present giving and celebration ..... other than pure greed that is?  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on December 23, 2011, 09:19:30 AM
Christmas is to do with Christ   shocked003

Well I never  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on December 23, 2011, 09:21:13 AM
Another one on the pure greed list eh?  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on December 23, 2011, 09:24:22 AM
Oh noes ...I am giver  lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 23, 2011, 09:30:27 AM
Greed for me!  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 23, 2011, 12:59:23 PM
[Ant Smasher] Pacman Frog catch some touch screen bugs. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbNl3J8HXw4#)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 30, 2011, 11:38:11 AM
http://youtu.be/5YW0Z6WIgXI (http://youtu.be/5YW0Z6WIgXI)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 04, 2012, 03:13:16 PM
My wife left me after I kept getting erections in the most inappropriate of places.



Mainly in her sister's arse.......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 04, 2012, 03:14:55 PM
My wife left me after I kept getting erections in the most inappropriate of places.



Mainly in her sister's arse.......

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on January 04, 2012, 05:33:57 PM
The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.

I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"Oh, I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, hugged and kissed me.

That night we had the most amazing sex ever..........

Which is odd because she’s never shown an interest in darts before.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 04, 2012, 06:27:45 PM
The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.

I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"Oh, I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, hugged and kissed me.

That night we had the most amazing sex ever..........

Which is odd because she’s never shown an interest in darts before.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 04, 2012, 10:52:54 PM
I apologise in advance,.......... redface:









Why didn't Stephen Lawrence cross the road?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 05, 2012, 07:25:10 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on January 05, 2012, 10:27:46 AM
I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 05, 2012, 10:29:05 AM
I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on January 06, 2012, 10:01:21 AM
How do you make a walrus commit suicide?

Point at its chest and say "What's that?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 06, 2012, 10:16:07 AM
How do you make a walrus commit suicide?

Point at its chest and say "What's that?"

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 06, 2012, 10:50:07 AM
One for Tipsy

How To Fake French (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edYHlnhxyOI#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 06, 2012, 10:55:26 AM
One for Tipsy

How To Fake French ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edYHlnhxyOI#[/url])


 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 06, 2012, 10:04:45 PM
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
 
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
 
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 07, 2012, 08:13:45 AM
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
 
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

[groans]
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 07, 2012, 12:07:09 PM
Skydiving LEGO Man (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIn-vCEeomE#)

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 07, 2012, 01:08:16 PM
My wife said, "Bob Holness is dead."

I said, "Who's that?"

She said, "He was in Blockbusters."

I said, "Fuck me, how long was the queue?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 07, 2012, 01:22:01 PM
My wife said, "Bob Holness is dead."

I said, "Who's that?"

She said, "He was in Blockbusters."

I said, "Fuck me, how long was the queue?"

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on January 08, 2012, 02:24:25 PM
Does Sean Connery like Herbs?

Yes, but only partially.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 08, 2012, 02:28:42 PM
Does Sean Connery like Herbs?

Yes, but only partially.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 10, 2012, 07:30:04 PM
 A bit different from, "Mum's gone to Iceland"  (http://www.japansubculture.com/2012/01/its-no-ordinary-sale-its-a-fuckin-sale/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 10, 2012, 07:51:28 PM
A bit different from, "Mum's gone to Iceland"  ([url]http://www.japansubculture.com/2012/01/its-no-ordinary-sale-its-a-fuckin-sale/[/url])


 ;D :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 11, 2012, 08:54:04 AM
A bit different from, "Mum's gone to Iceland"  ([url]http://www.japansubculture.com/2012/01/its-no-ordinary-sale-its-a-fuckin-sale/[/url])


 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 13, 2012, 03:14:44 AM
It is nice to see Natasha Giggs in big brother..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 13, 2012, 06:26:35 AM
Is the Thatcher film rated PG because it's not suitable for miners?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on January 13, 2012, 07:04:20 AM
 drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 13, 2012, 08:31:50 AM
Is the Thatcher film rated PG because it's not suitable for miners?
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on January 15, 2012, 10:30:13 AM
What’s the name of Zippy’s wife ?
Mississippi


How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in a microwave until its Bill Withers

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 15, 2012, 10:35:37 AM
[groans]
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on January 16, 2012, 01:43:19 PM
Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!"and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do.

Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 16, 2012, 04:24:48 PM
Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!"and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do.

Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"

 lol: lol: lol:

I thought it was going to be the 'Hans that do dishes...' joke!  redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: bodiam on January 17, 2012, 12:58:35 PM
Lionel Richie has cancelled his latest tour which was to be on a cruise liner. Apparently ''Dancing on the ceiling'' does not have the same appeal any more
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 17, 2012, 02:15:31 PM
Lionel Richie has cancelled his latest tour which was to be on a cruise liner. Apparently ''Dancing on the ceiling'' does not have the same appeal any more

 lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 17, 2012, 09:23:20 PM
Attention passengers this is your captain, We of Carnival Cruise Lines Costa Concordia welcome you to Italy. If you look out the port side now you'll see the beautiful Tuscan sky and to our starboard you'll see the old Italian navy................
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 18, 2012, 05:01:05 AM
Just bought a lottery ticket to win a cruise round the mediterranean,

last weeks was a rollover..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 18, 2012, 08:01:59 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 21, 2012, 04:56:14 PM
Divers searching the stricken liner Costa Concordia have found two Glaswegians in the bar. They told the divers to f*ck off, they're on All Inclusive.


In bed watching the telly . There was a bulletin about the Costa Concordia and the presenter mentioned that it was lying on it's side with a gash the size of a tennis court . I just happened to glance at the wife . Boy did she kick off .


I phoned a toy shop earlier. "Do you have any Airfix models of Italian Cruise liners?" I asked.
"Yes, we've got one in stock" says the assistant.
"Excellent" says I. "Can you put it on one side for me?"


George Michael has sympathised with the captain of the stricken Italian liner saying . . .
'I'm often left abandoned and lying on my side with a badly damaged bottom and dead seamen inside me after a nights cruising...

 redface:  redface:  redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 21, 2012, 06:06:53 PM
Divers searching the stricken liner Costa Concordia have found two Glaswegians in the bar. They told the divers to f*ck off, they're on All Inclusive.


In bed watching the telly . There was a bulletin about the Costa Concordia and the presenter mentioned that it was lying on it's side with a gash the size of a tennis court . I just happened to glance at the wife . Boy did she kick off .


I phoned a toy shop earlier. "Do you have any Airfix models of Italian Cruise liners?" I asked.
"Yes, we've got one in stock" says the assistant.
"Excellent" says I. "Can you put it on one side for me?"


George Michael has sympathised with the captain of the stricken Italian liner saying . . .
'I'm often left abandoned and lying on my side with a badly damaged bottom and dead seamen inside me after a nights cruising...

 redface:  redface:  redface:

happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on January 21, 2012, 07:10:12 PM
George Michael has sympathised with the captain of the stricken Italian liner saying . . .
'I'm often left abandoned and lying on my side with a badly damaged bottom and dead seamen inside me after a nights cruising...


 eeek:

 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on January 22, 2012, 11:44:53 AM
I told my wife "I've got a new job having sex, live on stage"

She said "Are you having me on ?"

I replied "I'll ask my boss, but so far they've all been thin and pretty"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 22, 2012, 11:45:41 AM
I told my wife "I've got a new job having sex, live on stage"

She said "Are you having me on ?"

I replied "I'll ask my boss, but so far they've all been thin and pretty"

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on January 22, 2012, 11:46:17 AM
 happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on January 22, 2012, 11:47:13 AM
I bought the wife a Smart car


It keeps hiding from her.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 22, 2012, 11:49:57 AM
I bought the wife a Smart car


It keeps hiding from her.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 22, 2012, 04:51:16 PM
I bought the wife a Smart car


It keeps hiding from her.

 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 26, 2012, 11:59:15 PM
Latest news from the African Nations Cup :
6 stone 2 pounds Ugandan striker Bobo Umfoofoo was visibly upset during last nights game after chants from the Somalian crowd of "You fat bastard" and "Who ate all the flies"........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 27, 2012, 11:35:02 AM
Latest news from the African Nations Cup :
6 stone 2 pounds Ugandan striker Bobo Umfoofoo was visibly upset during last nights game after chants from the Somalian crowd of "You fat bastard" and "Who ate all the flies"........

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 28, 2012, 07:30:35 AM
http://youtu.be/5JYzbzqYzm0 (http://youtu.be/5JYzbzqYzm0)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on January 28, 2012, 09:05:30 PM
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the 'Clio' and the 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink. The average male car thief won't be able to find it let alone turn it on , even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it. Rumour has it though that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real bitch to start in the morning.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 28, 2012, 09:06:15 PM
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the 'Clio' and the 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink. The average male car thief won't be able to find it let alone turn it on , even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it. Rumour has it though that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real bitch to start in the morning.

AFFS!  ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on January 28, 2012, 09:09:57 PM
See ..I knew you'd appreciate me giving you the opportunity to repeat your favourite sayings  lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 28, 2012, 09:12:55 PM
Oh yes... most appreciative like....  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on January 28, 2012, 09:16:08 PM
Is it time for your Abba joke yet ?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 28, 2012, 09:17:23 PM
Is it time for your Abba joke yet ?

I doubt it...  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 31, 2012, 10:13:40 AM
http://a8.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/418308_2225560937993_1816875127_1418140_1911390524_n.jpg (http://a8.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/418308_2225560937993_1816875127_1418140_1911390524_n.jpg)

Peg leg legs Bailey  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 31, 2012, 10:15:22 AM
Jailhouse Parker  point: point: point: point: point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on January 31, 2012, 10:21:21 AM
Miss D is Pretty Lee  ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 31, 2012, 10:21:54 AM
Jailhouse Parker  point: point: point: point: point:

Jailhouse Lemon Parker to you!  evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on January 31, 2012, 04:05:27 PM
Miss D is Pretty Lee  ;D

Pretty Fingers Lee achoooly  lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 31, 2012, 04:22:25 PM
Pastis is Boney Hips Bailey  happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on January 31, 2012, 04:33:10 PM
 sad32:  I wish.   I once knew a saxophone player called Snake Hips  rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 31, 2012, 05:29:15 PM
Red Liver McGee  eeek:  sick2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 31, 2012, 05:29:57 PM
Spot on  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 31, 2012, 06:26:16 PM
Mrs Nick is Jailhouse Gumbo Bailey  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 31, 2012, 06:51:18 PM
Ugly Rivers
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 31, 2012, 06:52:05 PM
I'd see a doctor about that
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on January 31, 2012, 10:04:03 PM
Sircumcision = having your knighthood removed
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 31, 2012, 10:54:38 PM
Sircumcision = having your knighthood removed
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 01, 2012, 06:09:25 AM
Seems a bit unjoust to me...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 01, 2012, 06:53:26 AM
Seems a bit unjoust to me...

 drumroll:  lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 01, 2012, 11:14:24 AM
Seems a bit unjoust to me...

 lol: lol: lol:

I expect they will lance a lot more boils now.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 03, 2012, 05:31:30 PM
I've just thought of a great owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 03, 2012, 05:33:47 PM
 tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 03, 2012, 10:58:08 PM
I've just thought of a great owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on February 06, 2012, 12:51:58 PM
I've just thought of a great owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.

 drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 06, 2012, 03:35:30 PM
Quote
Ic eom wunderlicu wiht wifum on hyhte
neahbuendum nyt; nægum sceþþe
burgsittendra nymthe bonan anum.
Staþol min is steapheah stonde ic on bedde
neoðan ruh nathwær. Neþeð hwilum
ful cyrtenu ceorles dohtor
modwlonc meowle þæt heo on mec gripe
ræseð mec on reodne reafath min heafod
fegeð mec on fæsten. Feleþ sona
mines gemotes seo þe mec nearwað
wif wundenlocc. Wæt bið þæt eage.
happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 06, 2012, 03:39:17 PM
Quote
Ic eom wunderlicu wiht wifum on hyhte
neahbuendum nyt; nægum sceþþe
burgsittendra nymthe bonan anum.
Staþol min is steapheah stonde ic on bedde
neoðan ruh nathwær. Neþeð hwilum
ful cyrtenu ceorles dohtor
modwlonc meowle þæt heo on mec gripe
ræseð mec on reodne reafath min heafod
fegeð mec on fæsten. Feleþ sona
mines gemotes seo þe mec nearwað
wif wundenlocc. Wæt bið þæt eage.
happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001

Wtf............. rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on February 06, 2012, 03:40:22 PM
Quote
Ic eom wunderlicu wiht wifum on hyhte
neahbuendum nyt; nægum sceþþe
burgsittendra nymthe bonan anum.
Staþol min is steapheah stonde ic on bedde
neoðan ruh nathwær. Neþeð hwilum
ful cyrtenu ceorles dohtor
modwlonc meowle þæt heo on mec gripe
ræseð mec on reodne reafath min heafod
fegeð mec on fæsten. Feleþ sona
mines gemotes seo þe mec nearwað
wif wundenlocc. Wæt bið þæt eage.
happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001


Oh not THAT old one again  ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on February 06, 2012, 06:14:30 PM
 whacky115 whacky115 whacky115
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on February 06, 2012, 08:22:22 PM
I told my girlfriend I had a cock like a computer. She rolled her eyes at me and sarcastically asked if it was because it had lots of ram and a hard drive.

Oh the surprise she got when she found out it was actually microsoft and full of viruses  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on February 07, 2012, 04:55:07 PM
Specially for TMR

Nobody leans like the ITALIANS


Fabrizio
(http://s16.postimage.org/nn49r2zy9/image001.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/nn49r2zy9/)

 

Rossi
(http://s9.postimage.org/kicka7x4r/image002.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/kicka7x4r/)
 
 

Biaggi
(http://s18.postimage.org/lklvd8ped/image003.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/lklvd8ped/)
 

 
Schettino
(http://s14.postimage.org/4xcqtpo4t/image004.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/4xcqtpo4t/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 07, 2012, 05:17:42 PM
Tell him, BM...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on February 07, 2012, 05:30:30 PM
 Shrugs:    AFFS?   Or summat to do with Italians?

I was sent it ...  whistle:    angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 07, 2012, 08:00:32 PM
Shrugs:    AFFS?   Or summat to do with Italians?

I was sent it ...  whistle:    angel1

I was sent it too - and I sent it to BM. I couldn't be arsed to save each picture individually and then re-post it all individually here. Thanks for doing it for me  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 07, 2012, 08:10:43 PM
Shrugs:    AFFS?   Or summat to do with Italians?

I was sent it ...  whistle:    angel1

I was sent it too - and I sent it to BM. I couldn't be arsed to save each picture individually and then re-post it all individually here. Thanks for doing it for me  :thumbsup:

He's right... sent it to me days ago....  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 07, 2012, 08:49:36 PM
Is this some sort of Affs by proxy  rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on February 07, 2012, 08:51:57 PM
You now have to be TelepAFFic  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 07, 2012, 08:53:47 PM
Miss D seems bored this evening. Praps she ought to start a thread about annoying adverts  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on February 07, 2012, 08:55:14 PM
 lol:

I feckin hate that advert  cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 07, 2012, 09:22:25 PM
You now have to be TelepAFFic  :thumbsup:
drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 09, 2012, 11:13:48 PM
John Terry was asked about losing the captain's armband.

"I didn't lose it," he snapped. "Some black cunt must've stolen it...............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on February 09, 2012, 11:24:07 PM
John Terry was asked about losing the captain's armband.

"I didn't lose it," he snapped. "Some black cunt must've stolen it...............

 noooo:





















 happy002 happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 10, 2012, 10:21:55 AM
John Terry was asked about losing the captain's armband.

"I didn't lose it," he snapped. "Some black cunt must've stolen it...............

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 10, 2012, 11:00:28 PM
President Obama decides to take a break and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that President Obama sitting at the end of the bar?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'
Obama says, ' I'm planning WW III.'
Then the guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
obama says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits. The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?'
Obama turns to the bartender and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims.'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 10, 2012, 11:06:42 PM
President Obama decides to take a break and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that President Obama sitting at the end of the bar?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'
Obama says, ' I'm planning WW III.'
Then the guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
obama says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits. The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?'
Obama turns to the bartender and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims.'


 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 11, 2012, 07:17:38 AM
President Obama decides to take a break and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that President Obama sitting at the end of the bar?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'
Obama says, ' I'm planning WW III.'
Then the guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
obama says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits. The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?'
Obama turns to the bartender and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims.'

AFFS!  ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 11, 2012, 07:27:16 AM
Thought so  redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 11, 2012, 07:28:16 AM
Thought so  redface:

Tsk, tsk...  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on February 12, 2012, 07:52:59 AM
RIP Whitney, Eastenders will never be the same  lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on February 12, 2012, 08:04:34 AM
whooosh!!!!

(that's the sound of that joke passing me by.)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 12, 2012, 01:03:41 PM

(http://s15.postimage.org/9bvsj6uvb/425914_375662262463233_205344452828349_1386689_1690756884_n.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/9bvsj6uvb/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 12, 2012, 01:58:55 PM
Whitney Houston to star in her new film.

The Bodybag........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on February 12, 2012, 05:01:15 PM
Whitney Houston to star in her new film.

The Bodybag........

 sick2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on February 12, 2012, 10:04:19 PM
Whitney Houston has now been drug free for at least one day  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 13, 2012, 01:00:52 PM
Whitney Houston has now been drug free for at least one day  whistle:

 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on February 13, 2012, 01:04:25 PM
Whitney Houston has now been drug free for at least one day  whistle:

Happy001

You seem to be struggling wiv yer Tablet.  noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 13, 2012, 01:07:04 PM
Whitney Houston has now been drug free for at least one day  whistle:

Happy001

You seem to be struggling wiv yer Tablet.  noooo:

I am a bit...  redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 13, 2012, 10:48:10 PM
I saw a guy lying unconscious in my street today. I tried doing the hand-only CPR the way Vinnie Jones showed me on the British Heart Foundation advert but by the time I'd found my Bee Gee's CD the poor bastard was already dead.

Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 14, 2012, 06:17:47 AM
It's not right, but it's okay'

...sings Whitney Houston's coroner as he slowly unbuckles his belt.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 14, 2012, 11:28:22 AM
It's not right, but it's okay'

...sings Whitney Houston's coroner as he slowly unbuckles his belt.

 ;D ;D    redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 14, 2012, 12:18:19 PM
It's not right, but it's okay'

...sings Whitney Houston's coroner as he slowly unbuckles his belt.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 15, 2012, 03:13:35 PM
I can't believe drinking costs the NHS £2.7bn a year.

I'm definitely going to their Christmas party  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 16, 2012, 01:49:06 PM
I can't believe drinking costs the NHS £2.7bn a year.

I'm definitely going to their Christmas party  :thumbsup:

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 18, 2012, 11:52:10 AM
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 22, 2012, 10:28:08 PM
Just got back from Thailand and came so close to shagging a ladyboy..........
Looked like a lady,
walked like a lady,
talked like a lady
even kissed like a lady!!!!!

It wasn't until she drove us to her place and reversed into a spot first time I thought........f**king hang on!!!!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 22, 2012, 10:30:41 PM
Just got back from Thailand and came so close to shagging a ladyboy..........
Looked like a lady,
walked like a lady,
talked like a lady
even kissed like a lady!!!!!

It wasn't until she drove us to her place and reversed into a spot first time I thought........f**king hang on!!!!!


 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 23, 2012, 04:58:48 AM
Just got back from Thailand and came so close to shagging a ladyboy..........
Looked like a lady,
walked like a lady,
talked like a lady
even kissed like a lady!!!!!

It wasn't until she drove us to her place and reversed into a spot first time I thought........f**king hang on!!!!!

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 04, 2012, 08:31:15 PM
I bought a pair of shoes from TK MAXX the other day. They were reduced from £159 to just £19.99. I didn't like them very much and they weren't my size. And I haven't got any legs after I had a road accident last year, but I just can't resist a bargain.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 04, 2012, 08:32:35 PM
I bought a pair of shoes from TK MAXX the other day. They were reduced from £159 to just £19.99. I didn't like them very much and they weren't my size. And I haven't got any legs after I had a road accident last year, but I just can't resist a bargain.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 05, 2012, 04:36:51 PM
http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2012/03/04/costa-coffee-opens-branch-in-mans-bedroom/ (http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2012/03/04/costa-coffee-opens-branch-in-mans-bedroom/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on March 05, 2012, 06:20:32 PM
Like rats in London, it’s our ambition that you will never be more than five metres from a Costa coffee shop

Too true to be funny.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 06, 2012, 08:03:05 AM
Penguins very funny (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qi_TQ_cg1e8#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 06, 2012, 08:08:13 AM
Leon by Studio Hari (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BR5MDhvcGmate#ws)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on March 06, 2012, 08:18:52 AM
Leon by Studio Hari ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BR5MDhvcGmate#ws[/url])


 whatimage:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 06, 2012, 08:22:38 AM
Leon by Studio Hari ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BR5MDhvcGmate#ws[/url])


 whatimage:


I can see it... click the link if you can't....  ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on March 06, 2012, 09:06:23 AM
Quote
The video you have requested is not available.

If you have recently uploaded this video, you may need to wait a few minutes for the video to process.
Sorry about that.
You Tube
 

evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 06, 2012, 09:34:59 AM
Quote
The video you have requested is not available.

If you have recently uploaded this video, you may need to wait a few minutes for the video to process.
Sorry about that.
You Tube
 

evil:


Arse!  redface:

Try this...

Leon the lion - Big Crush (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrTdCaYjEAQ#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 10, 2012, 09:56:20 AM
http://dickpuddlecote.blogspot.com/2012/03/power-of-knob-gag.html][url]http://dickpuddlecote.blogspot.com/2012/03/power-of-knob-gag.html (http://[url)[/url]
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 10, 2012, 10:13:40 AM
[url]http://dickpuddlecote.blogspot.com/2012/03/power-of-knob-gag.html]http://dickpuddlecote.blogspot.com/2012/03/power-of-knob-gag.html][url]http://dickpuddlecote.blogspot.com/2012/03/power-of-knob-gag.html (http://[url=http://dickpuddlecote.blogspot.com/2012/03/power-of-knob-gag.html)[/url]


gubbed....  ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 10, 2012, 10:14:55 AM
Did you mean this? (http://dickpuddlecote.blogspot.com/2012/03/power-of-knob-gag.html)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 14, 2012, 05:33:11 AM
http://singletrackworld.com/2009/02/the-picolax-thread-returns/ (http://singletrackworld.com/2009/02/the-picolax-thread-returns/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 14, 2012, 09:00:09 AM
[url]http://singletrackworld.com/2009/02/the-picolax-thread-returns/[/url] ([url]http://singletrackworld.com/2009/02/the-picolax-thread-returns/[/url])


 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001  happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001

Having undergone what is basically the same procedure, I can verify most of that! I did NOT, thankfully, encounter Agent Picolax - in my case they relied on good old fashioned warm water.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 15, 2012, 12:25:48 PM
Jock goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Jock says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".


Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"

 Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."


Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"

Mick says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th"


"Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.

 Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 15, 2012, 12:34:36 PM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on March 15, 2012, 09:16:04 PM
As it's the Ides of March:

Roman citizen walks into a bar:

Bartender: What'll you have
Roman citizen: I'll have a martinus
Bartener: Don't you mean a martini?
Roman citizen: If I wanted more than one, I'd have said so...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 15, 2012, 09:17:45 PM
 rubschin:

Most here will not get that and I await adjudication from DS
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 15, 2012, 09:22:21 PM
Not a chance with me ....I am Chief Stoopid of Stoopidville  redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 15, 2012, 09:24:50 PM
rubschin:

Most here will not get that and I await adjudication from DS

I think you have a different agendum.




P.S. What is a Bartener?  whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on March 15, 2012, 09:27:54 PM
rubschin:

Most here will not get that and I await adjudication from DS

I think you have a different agendum.




P.S. What is a Bartener?  whistle:

Still looking for Jominus
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on March 15, 2012, 09:30:22 PM
rubschin:

Most here will not get that and I await adjudication from DS

I think you have a different agendum.




P.S. What is a Bartener?  whistle:

A Bartender after a couple of drinks.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 15, 2012, 09:30:57 PM
rubschin:

Most here will not get that and I await adjudication from DS

I think you have a different agendum.




P.S. What is a Bartener?  whistle:

Still looking for Jominus
et spiritus sancti
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 15, 2012, 09:32:43 PM
rubschin:

Most here will not get that and I await adjudication from DS

I think you have a different agendum.




P.S. What is a Bartener?  whistle:

A Bartender after a couple of drinks.

We know who you mean.  ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on March 15, 2012, 09:40:10 PM
rubschin:

Most here will not get that and I await adjudication from DS

I think you have a different agendum.




P.S. What is a Bartener?  whistle:

Still looking for Jominus
et spiritus sancti

et Virgine Maria
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on March 15, 2012, 09:47:16 PM
Steeleye Span - Gaudete (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DjU3TPyH7YQ#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 15, 2012, 11:47:43 PM
Amo
Amas
Amant
Amatus
Amanus
Amant
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 16, 2012, 12:18:43 AM
Amo
Amas
Amant
Amatus
Amanus
Amant
Adamant



 :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 16, 2012, 12:20:39 AM
Amo
Amas
Amant
Amatus
Amanus
Amant
3/6 doh:

Until now, there was no "n" in amat, no "u" in amatis and two "m"s in amamus. 

You shall henceforth be known as the origin of the "anus" in amamus.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on March 16, 2012, 07:44:42 AM
Amo
Amas
Amant
Amatus
Amanus
Amant
3/6 doh:

Until now, there was no "n" in amat, no "u" in amatis and two "m"s in amamus. 

You shall henceforth be known as the origin of the "anus" in amamus.

As we used to say at school:
"Latin is a language as dead as dead can be.
It killed off all the Romans and now it's killing me!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 16, 2012, 08:38:16 AM
Amo
Amas
Amant
Amatus
Amanus
Amant
3/6 doh:

Until now, there was no "n" in amat, no "u" in amatis and two "m"s in amamus. 

You shall henceforth be known as the origin of the "anus" in amamus.

I bow to your superior knowledge of the arcane sir!

How are you with Ouija boards?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 16, 2012, 08:44:06 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0ktGlqNBXI&feature=player_embedded#! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0ktGlqNBXI&feature=player_embedded#!)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 16, 2012, 08:49:31 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 16, 2012, 09:33:00 AM
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0ktGlqNBXI&feature=player_embedded#[/url]! ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0ktGlqNBXI&feature=player_embedded#[/url]!)


 drumroll:   drumroll:   drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 16, 2012, 11:35:30 AM
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0ktGlqNBXI&feature=player_embedded#[/url]! ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0ktGlqNBXI&feature=player_embedded#[/url]!)


Left handed...?  rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 16, 2012, 11:38:24 AM
 :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on March 16, 2012, 11:47:12 AM
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0ktGlqNBXI&feature=player_embedded#[/url]! ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0ktGlqNBXI&feature=player_embedded#[/url]!)


Left handed...?  rubschin:


Which is why he can't draw the letter S on one of them.  ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 16, 2012, 09:21:41 PM
[url]http://singletrackworld.com/2009/02/the-picolax-thread-returns/[/url] ([url]http://singletrackworld.com/2009/02/the-picolax-thread-returns/[/url])


 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001  happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001

Having undergone what is basically the same procedure, I can verify most of that! I did NOT, thankfully, encounter Agent Picolax - in my case they relied on good old fashioned warm water.


Wot he said, no Picolax for me either but bog standard (see what I did there) enema.

Wonderfully descriptive  happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001  happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 18, 2012, 03:12:16 PM
Y
I Y
I Y I
Y I Y I Y I

A Geordie eye test
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 18, 2012, 03:13:29 PM
 noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 18, 2012, 03:34:16 PM
Y
I Y
I Y I
Y I Y I Y I

A Geordie eye test

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 18, 2012, 05:03:53 PM
 lol:  lol:  lol:  lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 18, 2012, 06:10:03 PM
Y
I Y
I Y I
Y I Y I Y I

A Geordie eye test
drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 19, 2012, 02:41:04 PM
Dementia quiz
 


    FIRST QUESTION:

YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 
 
 
 


ANSWER:  IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST, THEN YOU ARE  ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!

TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,
BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION,  OK?





SECOND QUESTION:
IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....?
(SCROLL  DOWN)

~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~









ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU  ARE.....
 WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??


YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?


THIRD QUESTION:
VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE: THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR. TRY IT.


TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.
ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 .. NOW  ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 10.. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?


SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER.....





~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~


 



DID YOU GET 5000?

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100...



IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT? 

MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT....  MAYBE...

FOURTH QUESTION:

MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS: 1    NANA,2. NENE,3.. NINI, 4. NONO, AND ???   

WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?
~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~







DID YOU ANSWER NUNU?NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T.
HER NAME IS MARY READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!







OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND,
I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF:





A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.
BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE  PURCHASE IS DONE.
NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES  HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?


~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~






IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE
HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...

DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??
IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 19, 2012, 02:47:33 PM
 redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 19, 2012, 03:01:31 PM
Can we assume you did not achieve 100% BM?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 19, 2012, 03:10:03 PM
Can we assume you did not achieve 100% BM?


yes
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 19, 2012, 03:22:42 PM
So, which onedi you get right (or nearly right)?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 19, 2012, 03:24:10 PM
So, which onedi you get right (or nearly right)?

5,000  redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 19, 2012, 03:29:02 PM
That's the only one you got right? Well, I relly don't know how to break this to you BM, but 5,000 is not the right answer  ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 19, 2012, 03:50:14 PM
That's the only one you got right? Well, I relly don't know how to break this to you BM, but 5,000 is not the right answer  ::)

Oh noes - that was the one I got wrong like....  redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: miss Tchevious on March 19, 2012, 06:05:27 PM
I only got two right... redface:
  Love these quizzes though...more please!!! :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 19, 2012, 06:06:50 PM
I only got two right... redface:
  Love these quizzes though...more please!!! :thumbsup:

You're insatiable aintchya?  eyes:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: miss Tchevious on March 19, 2012, 06:19:58 PM
yeah baby!  ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 19, 2012, 06:21:07 PM
yeah baby!  ;)

 scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 28, 2012, 07:10:29 PM
"Are you a parking ticket" I said to a Chinese girl in the pub last night.

"Why, because I've got fine written all over me?"

"No," I replied, "because you're an annoying yellow c**t."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 29, 2012, 04:01:38 AM
"Are you a parking ticket" I said to a Chinese girl in the pub last night.

"Why, because I've got fine written all over me?"

"No," I replied, "because you're an annoying yellow c**t."

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 29, 2012, 12:06:44 PM
http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2012/03/18/mps-in-poorer-parts-of-uk-to-be-paid-less/ (http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2012/03/18/mps-in-poorer-parts-of-uk-to-be-paid-less/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on March 31, 2012, 09:23:52 PM
Just bought a 'low energy light bulb' at B & Q. Assistant asked "Will you be putting this up yourself?"
I said "No - Its going in the lounge"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 01, 2012, 09:23:03 AM
Just bought a 'low energy light bulb' at B & Q. Assistant asked "Will you be putting this up yourself?"
I said "No - Its going in the lounge"

  lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 03, 2012, 09:31:42 PM
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!

We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 04, 2012, 06:59:18 AM
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!

We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 04, 2012, 07:01:04 AM
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!

We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthet