Come Inside... => The Comedy Room => Topic started by: Just One More on April 05, 2010, 11:01:15 AM
Title: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Just One More on April 05, 2010, 11:01:15 AM
It's on at 0040hr's tonight/morrow on Channel 4. Whatever it is, I reckon we can out-do them by midday....
And what is offensive to one, isn't to the other
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Snoopy on April 05, 2010, 11:14:29 AM
I have yet to hear a joke that offended me.
But then again ............
I was offended by the Russell Brand/Jonathon Ross telephone calls to Andrew Sachs. They claimed that was a joke. I still don't see how it qualified as a joke.
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Grumpmeister on April 06, 2010, 10:55:42 PM
I may be mistaken but if I remember correctly the worlds most offensive joke is the aristocrats. rubschin:
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 07, 2010, 11:54:02 AM
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Snoopy on April 08, 2010, 02:37:22 PM
Well somebody must know an offensive joke. rubschin:
Here you go ~ this is sure to offend someone:
Young Susan asks her dad if she can borrow the car. DAD: "Only if you suck my cock, Susan. You know the rules..." Susan sighs and drops to her knees. Dad whips his unit out and she plants her lips around it. Instantly she recoils in disgust. SUSAN: "Eurrghh! It tastes like shit!" DAD: " Yeah, your brother wanted to borrow twenty bucks..."
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Barman on April 08, 2010, 02:41:07 PM
There is a Russian, a Cuban, an Englishman and a Pakistani on a train, the Russian takes out a bottle of his best vodka, drinks a bit and throws the rest off the train and says 'there's plenty more of that where I come from'.
The others are impressed so the Cuban takes out one of the finest Havana cigars, takes one puff and throws it off the train and says 'there's plenty more of those where I come from'.
Again everyone is rather impressed so the Englishman stands up and throws the Pakistani off the train.....
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Barman on April 08, 2010, 02:51:07 PM
What is blue and fucks grannies...?
Hypothermia...
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Snoopy on April 08, 2010, 02:53:58 PM
An elementary school teacher, a lawyer, a Catholic priest and three young boys are on a plane with only three parachutes. Engines explode, plane starts going down.
The teacher says, 'Save the children!'
The lawyer yells, 'FUCK THE CHILDREN!'
The Catholic priest looks around and whispers, 'Is there time?'
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Miss Demeanour on April 08, 2010, 02:57:21 PM
Why don't they continue giving women smear tests when they reach pensionable age ?
Have you ever tried to open a cheese toasty
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Snoopy on April 08, 2010, 02:58:13 PM
Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!" He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"
Sorry if that one has been done before.
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: The Moan Ranger on April 08, 2010, 02:59:50 PM
Q. What's pink, 12 inches long, stiff and makes women scream?
A. Cot death.
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Snoopy on April 08, 2010, 03:01:16 PM
Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Snoopy on April 08, 2010, 03:02:17 PM
I'm not racist, I own a colour tv!
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Snoopy on April 08, 2010, 03:13:53 PM
Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Pirate on April 08, 2010, 03:53:50 PM
Jesus walks into a hotel and throws 4 nails on the counter and says , can you put me up for the night
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Pirate on April 08, 2010, 03:56:23 PM
A white man , a black man and a yellow chink get caught in the jungle by head hunters
They are told they are going to be whipped 50 times and if they can stand the pain they will be released, and they get one request
Black man bends over the pole and says he would like to hear Marvin Gay while he is getting whipped
The chief puts on the song and they start the whipping, 23 lashes go by and he faints , take him down
Yellow chink bends over the pole and asks for a chicken curry, he eats it while getting whipped and only lasts 12 lashes, take him down
White man bends over the pole , chief says what do you want for your last request, white man says I want that black bastard on my back
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Snoopy on April 08, 2010, 04:40:33 PM
OK ~ So Jesus Loves You ......................... but does he swallow?
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Just One More on April 08, 2010, 05:35:04 PM
Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place. Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream. Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross. Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, "I've always wanted to be like the guys, and urinate off a bridge." The other woman looks around and says, "well, I don't see anyone around, now's your chance!" The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to urinate, she looks over her shoulder. "Holly shit!" she exclaims, "I just pissed in a canoe!" Alarmed, the second woman hurries over, and peeks at the stream. "Calm down," she says. "That wasn't a canoe you pissed in, it was only your reflection."
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Barman on April 09, 2010, 05:06:50 AM
This is all going well... lol:
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 09, 2010, 10:50:40 AM
"I used to be a necrophiliac until some rotter split on me"
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Barman on April 09, 2010, 12:31:06 PM
have you noticed when it breaks and the screen stops working it goes BLACK...
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Nick on April 11, 2010, 02:41:18 PM
Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: apc2010 on April 12, 2010, 12:41:00 AM
whats the difference between maddie mccann and elvis.......... some people believe elvis is alive...
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: apc2010 on April 12, 2010, 01:05:28 AM
whats the difference between lance armstrong and hitler........... lance can actually finish a race.............
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: apc2010 on August 01, 2010, 06:09:57 PM
My mate just caught me smelling his sisters knickers. He went mental. He was screaming and shouting at me, calling me a sick pervert. To be honest it made the rest of the funeral akward for the both of us
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Barman on August 02, 2010, 05:13:55 AM
drumroll:
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Just One More on February 02, 2011, 07:17:21 PM
I still remember play time at school with fondness, a bit of footie, sneaking a quick cigarette, fingering girls behind the bike sheds..... I loved that caretakers job!
I brought my wife a pair of crouchless panties last week.... Nothing to do with a sexual nature, it's so she can get a better grip on her broom stick!
MGM are making a film about a Jamaican who ran a drugs empire from his bedroom..... It’s called Chocolate and the Charlie factory.....
Job Vacancy: Small black person wanted. Must be flexible and willing to travel Job Description: Mud flap
Saw a Muslim fall into the Thames this morning and being the caring citizen I am I informed the emergency services. Its 6pm now and they still have not responded. I am starting to think I have wasted a 2nd class stamp.
A Woman answers the phone to a pervert and he breathes "Have to got a tight twat?" Yes she replies, he's on the couch do you want to speak to him?
Just brought the wife a solar powered vibrator.... Seeing as the sun shines out of her arse it will save me a fortune on batteries!
Cluedo has been ruined! In the spirit of political correctness they have added a black character! So now you know who's done it before you started!
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Barman on February 02, 2011, 09:34:43 PM
happy001
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Baldy on February 03, 2011, 01:24:25 AM
In an effort to be sexy, my girlfriend shoved a lollipop up her snatch.
I said " That's lovely darling, but don't you need that to get the children across the road?"
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Barman on February 03, 2011, 05:58:46 AM
In an effort to be sexy, my girlfriend shoved a lollipop up her snatch.
I said " That's lovely darling, but don't you need that to get the children across the road?"
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Baldy on February 03, 2011, 07:33:22 AM
Little Johnny got kicked out of class today!
The teacher asked him "If I gave you Twenty pounds and you paid five pounds to Joanne, five pounds to Jane and five pounds to Katie, what would you have?"
Apparently "Three blow jobs and enough left over for a kebab" was the wrong answer!
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Barman on February 03, 2011, 07:50:35 AM
razz:
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: beerhead on February 09, 2011, 09:22:49 AM
Rolf Harris is doing a charity record to raise money for Australian flood relief. Its called "Why's me kangaroo drowned, sport ?"
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Barman on February 09, 2011, 09:31:31 AM
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Baldy on February 09, 2011, 10:14:51 AM
Almost rang you earlier.
I was in Tesco and thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread.
Then I realised it said "Thick Cut".
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Barman on February 09, 2011, 10:18:18 AM
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on February 09, 2011, 08:15:42 PM
Never buy a wig made of bum hair - it keeps blowing off. eeek:
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Nick on February 09, 2011, 08:16:56 PM
Tipsy IS a potty mouth noooo:
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Barman on February 10, 2011, 05:13:09 AM
Still, once he is sent down, spilling a gallon of unleaded in his passage will be the least of his worries.
Indeed, once he's inside, they'll be inside faster than he can say "where's the soap?"
He'll have a passage you could build a house in . . . .
Worserer than that I would hope...
Quite probably. May even be able to get a job as a sword swallower when he's eventually released (probably in a couple of years - and yes, I know they said a minimum of 15 years, but they say a lot that doesn't come true)
Cynical? Moi? Jamais! I have a PhD in both Pure and Applied Cynicism I'll have you know!
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Barman on April 04, 2013, 03:31:15 PM
Still, once he is sent down, spilling a gallon of unleaded in his passage will be the least of his worries.
Indeed, once he's inside, they'll be inside faster than he can say "where's the soap?"
He'll have a passage you could build a house in . . . .
Worserer than that I would hope...
Quite probably. May even be able to get a job as a sword swallower when he's eventually released (probably in a couple of years - and yes, I know they said a minimum of 15 years, but they say a lot that doesn't come true)
Cynical? Moi? Jamais! I have a PhD in both Pure and Applied Cynicism I'll have you know!
[serious] I simply cannot comprehend why you would even consider releasing such a person under any circumstances whatsoever... ever... noooo: [/serious]
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Steve on April 04, 2013, 03:43:04 PM
. . . [serious] I simply cannot comprehend why you would even consider releasing such a person under any circumstances whatsoever... ever... noooo: [/serious]
Quite
After that first offence of double attempted murder they should have thrown away the key.
Have to say I thought they were too harsh on that terrified dimwit wife of his [/serious]
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Baldy on April 04, 2013, 08:57:09 PM
A chap that rented a house from me was a prison officer in the UK. Ian Huntley was 'under their care'.....an easy ride he did not get aledgely. whistle:
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: apc2010 on April 04, 2013, 10:24:16 PM
A chap that rented a house from me was a prison officer in the UK. Ian Huntley was 'under their care'.....an easy ride he did not get aledgely. whistle:
After the 1st two........ redface: redface:
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Barman on April 05, 2013, 04:54:37 AM
A chap that rented a house from me was a prison officer in the UK. Ian Huntley was 'under their care'.....an easy ride he did not get aledgely. whistle:
Excellent! :thumbsup:
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: apc2010 on April 12, 2013, 07:51:31 PM
My dad taught me how to masturbate properly............
I was seventeen before I realised I could use my own hand...........
redface:.
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Barman on April 13, 2013, 04:33:33 AM
So Russian skier Maria Komissarova has been left disabled forever,.....
just in time to re-try for the Paralympics.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, redface:
happy001
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Barman on September 13, 2014, 08:55:46 AM
Englishman on holiday in Texas.
He wanders into a local shitkickers bar and has a good few beers.
After a while, he notices there's one of those mechanical bulls in the corner and he asks the barman if he can have a go.
The barman not only says yes but grabs a mic and proceeds to make a big show out of it. Englishman on a good ol' Texan bull, etc.
The Englishman climbs on and the bull starts moving.
"No one's ever made it past 5 minutes on their first try, Limey!" someone shouts.
But the Englishman sails through the 5-minute mark. He blasts past 10 and 15 and even 20 minutes, still holding on just fine.
The crowd is awestruck. He's fast approaching the World Record.
The barman cranks the bull up to 11 and it goes fucking apeshit. But the plucky Englishman hangs on in there.
Eventually, after 45 minutes, the bull breaks down and comes to a halt. The crowd are cheering and whooping as the barman grabs the hand of the sweating Englishman and shoves the mic in his face.
"Holy Goddam shit boy! You done broke the World Record by a clear 15 minutes! How'd you do that?"
The Englishman replies, "Easy. My wife's an epileptic. And if you can fuck her for 5 minutes, you can ride this bastard for an hour!"
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Baldy on September 14, 2014, 08:19:43 AM
lol: lol:
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Grumpmeister on September 17, 2014, 08:25:14 PM
I was given a recipe book for roadkill so I went out and got some and it was delicious..............I still don't know what to do with his bike though
redface:
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Barman on September 18, 2014, 04:25:21 AM
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Just One More on December 03, 2014, 07:33:06 AM
2 pensioners are enjoying oral sex together.... The old man says, "I can't stay down here for too long it stinks".... The old lady replies, "sorry it's my arthritis," .... The old man says "arthritis in your fanny!?" ..... "no!" says the lady.... "The arthritis is in my shoulder, I can't wipe my arse!!"
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Barman on December 03, 2014, 07:45:43 AM
2 pensioners are enjoying oral sex together.... The old man says, "I can't stay down here for too long it stinks".... The old lady replies, "sorry it's my arthritis," .... The old man says "arthritis in your fanny!?" ..... "no!" says the lady.... "The arthritis is in my shoulder, I can't wipe my arse!!"
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: apc2010 on February 10, 2015, 03:40:52 PM
"Baby dies in subway accident"......................
I'm guessing the coffin is a footlong......... redface:
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Barman on February 10, 2015, 03:43:09 PM
Police have successfully put an undercover officer into a group of known paedophiles........................
I bet....... it was only a very small ring that had been penetrated........... rubschin:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: apc2010 on May 02, 2016, 02:48:37 PM
A woman is in the hospital giving birth. The doctor takes the baby, then promptly throws it out the window. The woman screams, "My baby! You've killed my baby!".....
The doctor replies, "Jokes on you, it was already dead!"..........
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Barman on May 02, 2016, 04:50:51 PM
A woman is in the hospital giving birth. The doctor takes the baby, then promptly throws it out the window. The woman screams, "My baby! You've killed my baby!".....
The doctor replies, "Jokes on you, it was already dead!"..........
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: apc2010 on May 04, 2017, 08:29:12 AM
Sick jokes are like kids with cancer .........
They never get old ............ redface:
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Steve on May 04, 2017, 09:48:27 AM
facepalm:
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Barman on May 04, 2017, 10:02:08 AM
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: boogs on June 06, 2017, 07:05:22 AM
Not the right place I know redface:
Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister`s chauffeur driven car.
Suddenly a cow jumps into the road, the car hits it full on and comes to a stop.
Nicola, in her normal jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur
"You were driving, get out and see what was the matter"
The chauffeur gets out and reports, " The animal is dead".
"You were driving, go and tell the farmer" said Nicola, "I can`t afford to be blamed for anything".
The driver trudges up the track to the farmhouse and returns five hours later, totally plastered, his hair all ruffled and a big grin on his face.
"My God, what happened to you", asked Nicola.
The chauffeur replied "Well, when I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of Malt Whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me"
"My God, what on earth did you say to them" asked Nicola.
"I knocked on the door and when it was answered I said " I`m Nicola Sturgeon`s chauffeur and I've killed the cow".
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Barman on June 06, 2017, 07:09:07 AM
Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister`s chauffeur driven car.
Suddenly a cow jumps into the road, the car hits it full on and comes to a stop.
Nicola, in her normal jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur
"You were driving, get out and see what was the matter"
The chauffeur gets out and reports, " The animal is dead".
"You were driving, go and tell the farmer" said Nicola, "I can`t afford to be blamed for anything".
The driver trudges up the track to the farmhouse and returns five hours later, totally plastered, his hair all ruffled and a big grin on his face.
"My God, what happened to you", asked Nicola.
The chauffeur replied "Well, when I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of Malt Whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me"
"My God, what on earth did you say to them" asked Nicola.
"I knocked on the door and when it was answered I said " I`m Nicola Sturgeon`s chauffeur and I've killed the cow".
Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister`s chauffeur driven car.
Suddenly a cow jumps into the road, the car hits it full on and comes to a stop.
Nicola, in her normal jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur
"You were driving, get out and see what was the matter"
The chauffeur gets out and reports, " The animal is dead".
"You were driving, go and tell the farmer" said Nicola, "I can`t afford to be blamed for anything".
The driver trudges up the track to the farmhouse and returns five hours later, totally plastered, his hair all ruffled and a big grin on his face.
"My God, what happened to you", asked Nicola.
The chauffeur replied "Well, when I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of Malt Whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me"
"My God, what on earth did you say to them" asked Nicola.
"I knocked on the door and when it was answered I said " I`m Nicola Sturgeon`s chauffeur and I've killed the cow".
I may be mistaken but if I remember correctly the worlds most offensive joke is the aristocrats. rubschin:
Tsk noooo:
"Are the aristocrats" or "Is the aristocracy"
Unless you were making sure we knew you is not one. ;)
Nope, the aristocrats has been around for decades now. It's a comedic challenge to create the filthiest most offensive joke of all time. There was even a documentary made about it a few years ago. The premise of the joke is weak but it's just a framework to allow the person telling the joke to see just how far beyond the line of what is considered acceptable they can go.
Given the versions of it that I have heard over the years that's probably all of the film they could safely use for a green band trailer. I could be wrong but I suspect that even Apey would think some of them go too far.
There are videos of various comics telling it on youtube but I'll warn you in advance to say the are not safe for work would be a massive understatement. Some of them make Frankie Boyle at his most offensive look like Mary Whitehouse.
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Barman on July 17, 2017, 04:11:49 PM
I may be mistaken but if I remember correctly the worlds most offensive joke is the aristocrats. rubschin:
Tsk noooo:
"Are the aristocrats" or "Is the aristocracy"
Unless you were making sure we knew you is not one. ;)
Nope, the aristocrats has been around for decades now. It's a comedic challenge to create the filthiest most offensive joke of all time. There was even a documentary made about it a few years ago. The premise of the joke is weak but it's just a framework to allow the person telling the joke to see just how far beyond the line of what is considered acceptable they can go.
Given the versions of it that I have heard over the years that's probably all of the film they could safely use for a green band trailer. I could be wrong but I suspect that even Apey would think some of them go too far.
There are videos of various comics telling it on youtube but I'll warn you in advance to say the are not safe for work would be a massive understatement. Some of them make Frankie Boyle at his most offensive look like Mary Whitehouse.
Thanks for that, just watched Brandon Rogers... eeek:
happy001
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Grumpmeister on July 17, 2017, 04:23:45 PM
There is rumoured to be a recording of Bill Hicks doing his version of the joke, I don't know if I want to hear it or run away screaming at what could potentially be included in it. rubschin:
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: apc2010 on January 14, 2018, 10:05:44 AM
My granddad said " It's going to be horrendous on the roads this weekend,snow is forecast"................
" Tell me something I don't know" I replied..............
"I can get my whole fist up your Nanna's arse " he said ..............
Title: Re: The World's most offensive joke
Post by: Barman on January 14, 2018, 10:09:36 AM