The Virtual Pub
Come Inside... => The Snug => Topic started by: TG on October 07, 2008, 02:32:01 PM
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It was a...
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small bakery in
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a railway station
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Mr Bun the
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conductor said I
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cannot understand why
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the train is
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careering towards the
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cake shop that
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I operate in
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Cardiff, it is
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good that Welsh
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people are only
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short and brooding
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and usually drunk
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so they won't
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notice the abomination
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as it hurtles
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past the bakery
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and flattens the
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bald goat that
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many of them
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use to prop
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up the barbecue
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But the cakes
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were already burnt
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in the conflagration
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so the chef
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set to werk
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to find more
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currants, flour and
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goats. Also he
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noticed a lack
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of sugar, figs
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black pudding, fish
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for the pasty
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and egg pizza
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in the chipper
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then Snoopy said
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Good grief! What...
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is this I
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find. A saddle!
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With bags! It
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is full of
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Japanese Monkey Waiters! eeek:
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But, unafraid we
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Meanwhile, the bakers
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prepared the train
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What's this shite...? Shrugs:
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Ignore him
"for its trip"
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Ignore him
"for its trip"
Thats 5 words. noooo:
Anywho.
for the trip
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for its trip
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for its trip
around the bakery.
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Via Cyprus and
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in Ainsdale. Stop
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at the strange
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bakery and train
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shop that doesnt
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exist. But we
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know Nick is
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one cake short
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of a diesel
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and is going
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for dinner with
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the Fat Controller.
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In the meantime
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Nick visits AINSDALE
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with a camera
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to take pictures
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of a bakery
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providing photographic proof
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of a trainset
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EAT MY PANTS!
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Shouted Nick, frustratedly.
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No doughnuts today
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but photoshop is
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not the answer
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but the question
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will photoshop 6
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work with vista
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of course it
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won't. Vista is
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a Communist plot
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to overthrow civalisation.
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and cause a
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financial meltdown which
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causes Jamie Theakston
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the little known
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media personality that
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plagiarises the wise
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to visit the
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He broke it!
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no I haven't
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Yes you did.And it was going so well evil:
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Yes you did.And it was going so well evil:
No, you've just broken it! point:
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Welluse your magic buttons to mend it then. angry041:
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See how it should be done. (http://www.cyprus-forum.com/viewtopic.php?t=17343) 650+ pages of it... ::)
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Good grief! Does anyone in Cyprus werk,like?
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Good grief! Does anyone in Cyprus werk,like?
Well I do.... whistle:
Do you want me to split this bit off so you can have another go...?
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No.It was going round in circles noooo:
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No.It was going round in circles noooo:
::)
And it was going so well
::)
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Have a poll then!
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It was going well 'til he broke it.
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Nice to see it is only us he bores with his goat stories.
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I don't find them boring
char048
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I knew it
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would not last
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because three words
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was never going
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to be enough
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for some people
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especially the wimmin
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I played properly! cussing:
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she briefly burbled
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to the prat!
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in the wig
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What about dwarf
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What about dwarf?
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just the one?
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Dwarves scare me.
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Taller than you?
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Oh good grief!
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See also: CLowns
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Banghead, Banghead, Banghead
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point: point: point:
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Dwarf clowns eeek:
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come in threes
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I give up. noooo:
The forum I pinched this from (not the Cyprus one) was on about page 600. I should have known we could not make 10 pages with mayhem breaking out.
surrender:
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He broke it!
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I did not
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emoticons also count
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I think I
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Should learn to
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keep my opinions
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from Mrs TG
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especially the one
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about the woman
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with the umbrella
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which she used
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as a parasol
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in the rain
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and the snow
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but never when
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the sun shone
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as this would
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stop her tanning
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and start her
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on the road
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to cheap gratification
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on the streets
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in the alleyways
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on the beaches
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in the hills
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we shall never
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get away from
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this Virtual Pub
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'cos we love
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not werking like
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and poledancing evenings
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the best company
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to invest in
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for nil returns
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The Virtual Pub!
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You repeat yourself
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but we forgive
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but not forget
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this attempt at
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not getting wet
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two points to
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doesn't make sense
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He broke it
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Who broke it?
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He broke it
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Who broke what?
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repetition, hounds turn.
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Deviation one point.
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Sorry, wrong game.
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You are excused.
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"Ha!" said the
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Cahirman, inspecting Samantha's
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assets, which had
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fluctuated recently amidst
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the banking crisis.
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leaving her in
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an exposed position
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yet smiling broadly
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and open to
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offers from any
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passing vicar or
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policeman who was
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short of a
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braincell or two.
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Inspector level then
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because they're thick
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, meaty and nourishing
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just like sausages
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she sniggered coyly
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behind her fan
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Meanwhile,on Earth
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Wenchy had realised
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that her plan
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to make Nick
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a yumster cake
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out of a
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pile of leftovers
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from Snoopys kennel
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was too dangerous
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with Captain Calamity
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liable to catch
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Mange, worms or
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foot and mouth
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disease which he
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would pass on
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to everyone here
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and to Donna
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and to The
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MILFs at school
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in his dreams!
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and their nightmares
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drumroll:
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He's broken it
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the MILF said
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advancing across the
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railway to buy
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a cream horn
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which she intended
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to insert sideways
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into Wenchy's head
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but then decided
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to eat it
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lingering suggestively over
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the restraining order
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which Mr Wench
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had taken out
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to prevent Wenchy
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's pub friends
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getting her legless
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and stalking out
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before falling flat
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on their faces
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in the disgusting
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virtual pub toilets
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Which should have
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been emptied of
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the slops and
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the strange green
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He broke it!
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wot? shrugs:
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No idea Uncle
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he says that
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it is broken
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whenever he runs
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out of ideas
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HE'S A TWAT!
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eeek: eeek: eeek:
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She's a point
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WENCHY!!!! I'm shocked!!!!
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I love it
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when she talks
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dirty like cloud9:
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but when she
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degenerate aging hound point:
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Sorry, see below.
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she said as
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an explanation of
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why she was
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acting so strangely
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how could we
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think badly of
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such a lovely
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and yet so
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mean and short-tempered
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although she often
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goes to IKEA
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to buy furniture
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and eat meatballs cloud9:
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yet Mister Wench
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stays and broods
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at the legs
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of his five-a-side
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naked ladies' wrestling
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team who are
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german and hairy
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but visiting tonight
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to clean out
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Mr Wench's wallet.
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Once the moths
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Have fluttered towards
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the bright moon
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of BM's head
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not the bald
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goat next door
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in Nick's bizarre
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cellar of doom
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business as usual
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Doom you say?
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with the whips
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and many spiders
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and chains that
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hold the prisoners
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safely and gently
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whilst they are
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twiddled and teased
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Nick's personal fantasy
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of revenge on
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those who would
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deny him trains
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or tax him
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to the limit
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which Richard Branson
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will most certainly
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have to die
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or give cake
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with cream in
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to Mrs Nick
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to apologise for
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cutting Nick off
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at Ainsdale Station
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without a hope
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of ever convincing
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that the trainset
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in the bakery
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is really there
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which of course
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it is not
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as we all
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thought all along
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Which brings us
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back to the
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pub for a
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swift pint please
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and free drinks
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don't be silly
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we need to
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pay the Barman
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for such delightful
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is this fantasy?
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Free drinks eh?
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it is fantasy
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there's the slate..
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which fell from
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grace with the
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barmaid as she
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tried to write
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on the board
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without using hands
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whilst standing on
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the Barman's stool
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he hadn't flushed
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so red since
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that goat tartare
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caught him unawares
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in the shower
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covered in confusion
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with no shampoo
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an unnecessary expense
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even in denial
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where the crocodiles
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happily ate Nick
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"How splendid" said
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the exploding crocodile
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before it swallowed
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him whole and
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then realised that
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he would disagree
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as the explosion
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had caused him
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to lose a
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marble or two
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or maybe three!
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Meanwhile, back at
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the filthy toilets
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Wenchy signed, heavily
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and told Snoopy
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to take the
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mop and bucket
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and place them
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firmly up BM's
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back alley where
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the sun never
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shines but the
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moon glows brightly
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and the moths
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nest in his
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dangly baldy bollocks
(I can't believe I've written that! redface:)
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eeek: eeek: eeek:
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neither can we
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Wenchy obviously fantasises
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about your bollox
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when she is
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on her medication
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or using hammers
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which resemble the
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gnarled truncheons of
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great big, fat
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naked lady wrestlers
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covered in mud
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in the toilets
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, the filthy stinking
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underpaid bar staff
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need locking up
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or given a
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good seeing to
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with a rusty
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yet quite valuable
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antique letter opener.
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After which everyone
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lived happily everafter
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except baldy balls
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who was suddenly
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pushed off a
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large pedestal he
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that the wife
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had foolishly placed
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next to the
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goat infested pool
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holding his nose
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carefully in place
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with sticky tape
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and clutching tightly
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a rubber ring
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for his wig
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as well as
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his other valuables
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such as his
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plastic bath duck
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a loofah and
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his shower cap
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which he really
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doesn't need except
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to keep his
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comb over in
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after its removal
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so it's safe
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from those who
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would seek to
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what's this shite?
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um, er... like?
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he broke it
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he did. The
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following night, Barman's
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Great Aunt Maud
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fell off a
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rampant billy goat
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whilst attempting to
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cross the pool
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to escape from
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an irate Landlady
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who had found
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evidence of tampering
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with DNA evidence
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that would have
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proven beyond doubt
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that Barman was
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the goat's uncle
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due to some
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silly misunderstanding about
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sharing the pool
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with another goat
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Anyway, my email
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said that Barman
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was concieved in
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was conceived in
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was concieved in
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She broke it
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said the pool
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supervisor, who was
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swimming slowly with
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all the goats
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and a rubber
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duck for company
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in search of
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LL's poledancing friends
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who wear scanty
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green pants that
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covered the necessary
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areas without embarassing
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that bloke from
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from the council
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who Nick called
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about the goats
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who were chewing
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on a passing
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wig saleman's wares
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with great delight
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despite the tickling
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of the talcum
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that irritates the
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barmans nostrils and
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makes him sneeze
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whenever Nick reveals
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what he's wearing
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about red lights
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over his door
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someone broke it evil:
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I wonder who
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it could be
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It wasn't me whistle:
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twas nick's fault
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it would be
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as per usual
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cake and trains
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do not exist
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except in Nicks
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make believe world
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which we all
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find too much
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and too often
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too close to
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the real world
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but what can
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we do when
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reality trips out
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and The Boy
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puts the blame
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back on Nick
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at epee point
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without a mask
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or a codpiece
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,cod being expensive
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dearer than salmon
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which is fishy!
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yet somehow reminiscent
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of a chicken
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stuffed and trussed
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apparently snails also
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have seen trains
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simmering in microwaves
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boring me rigid
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but pleasing Mrs
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Snoopy for a
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minute or two
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by refusing to
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take a bath
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with the nubile
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yet well rounded
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lady Bar Staff
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who, well armed
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with rubber gloves
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bathed the hound
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in cold water
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and soap suds
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made of carbolic
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and cold tea
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which remained cold
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and shrivelled his
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clever know-it-all dick
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he didn't care
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because he seldom
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uses it anyway
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so there smartypants
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before the vet
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chopped it off!
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with one bite
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put it in
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a bowl with
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the takeaway curry.
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Heat in microwave
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for three minutes
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and stick it
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with a fork
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to ensure that
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it was dead!
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otherwise there could
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be nasty frankenstein
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or other Jewish
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revival movements that
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might help Growler
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get to heaven
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via dark tunnels
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or muddy swamps
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not bypassing Nick's
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best pal Ebrell
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keeper of the
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chainsaw of Antioch
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and log pile
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of magic mystical
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misquoted Beatles albums
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which are overated
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by shallow youngsters
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who like early
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Boyzone classics like
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flies to dung
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BOYZONE ARE COOL!
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She's gubbed it
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So it seems
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that boyzone blow
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Wind and shite
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at their best
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forgotten old threads
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by mean people
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who don't mean
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to be average
-
or even mean
-
about awesome boyzone
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spare me that
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wonderful melodious music
-
cat's tail mangle
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would be another
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way to describe
-
the awful noise
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Pink Floyd produce
-
couldn't agree more
-
they are crap
-
only to amusiacs
-
whatever they are
-
bit like agnostics?
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on the buses?
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that's Reg Varney
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don't yer know
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what to do
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with a drunken
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sailor on Saturday
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night after the
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pubs kick out
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all the drunken
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sailors want curry
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and a prostitute
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a Pompey Tart
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who for three
-
shillings also does
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socks according to
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Father Wench's tales
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that are embroidered
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neatly with a
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cross stitch and
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irate darned holes
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incontinent old ladies
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pestering number 39
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but not 69
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as that would
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involve bending over
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at the risk
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of back injury
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which we know
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requires Donna's services
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at Junction 16
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of Nicks vertebrae
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and lower ones
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connected to his
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thigh bone, and
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to his wallet
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which is temporarily
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up the junction
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at the bakers
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on a train
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somewhere in Ainsdale
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You've seen it?
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it's a fantasy
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like Hogwarts Express
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,the Daily Express
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and the Grauniad
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, both mouthpieces of
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the propaganda system
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. Here's a propaganda
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.postimage.org%2FPq22GMYi.jpg&hash=96804ee22975bab3b4e52fcbcacf2b36f9df9d23) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=Pq22GMYi)
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Someone broke it!
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like Hogwarts Express
is not fantasy!
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but it is
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in Wenchies mind
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or what passes
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us all by
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not feeding threads
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with shite like
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Nick usually does
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when pushed hard
-
or pulled gently
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across the road
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with the chicken
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attached to Barman's
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big red truck
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by the cliff
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with my tools
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with my tool
s
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he replied again
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crying for mercy
-
when Donna held
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both quite tightly
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before pulling BM
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close to her
-
and demanding payment
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as Nick had
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forgotten his wallet
-
and BM's bulging
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eyes had not
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noticed the crocodile
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advancing menacingly towards
-
his crown jewels
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in LL's hand
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which she held
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with excruciating tightness
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in front of
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Donna, Wenchy and
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all the other
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laughing,mocking ladies
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who belonged to
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TG's secret harem
-
which had, until
-
the recent earthquake
-
seen a great
-
bald man lung(e)ing
-
from side to
-
side as if
-
they were out
-
of their heads
-
on crack cocaine
-
whereas in fact
-
the bald man
-
finally admitted it
-
as LL gently
-
replaced his wig
-
and led him
-
gently but firmly
-
to his cell
-
while she prepared
-
to unchain Nick
-
and the crocodile
-
from within the
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murky confines of
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Wenchy's big dark
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shed of tat
-
in which she
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sits at weekends
-
and looks at
-
pictures of naked
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Dr. Who actors
-
and chocolate daleks
-
which all looked
-
tasty but evil
-
and as if
-
that wasn't perverted
-
enough she also
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fondled her tat
-
so it grew
-
bigger and stronger
-
until it was
-
as big and
-
powerful as any
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tat mountain seen
-
so large that
-
even QVC would
-
have a problem
-
shifting it cheaply
-
enough to recoup
-
the transport costs
-
Wenchy would never
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marry a pooftah
-
or sell tat
-
to a pooftah
-
or anyone else
-
for that matter
-
but without question
-
Tennent's a wooftah
-
and all the
-
IKEA shop assistants
-
who long to
-
play with each
-
other's tat are
-
pooftahs without exception
-
munching chocolate Daleks
-
with Peter Mandelson
(I thnk this is nearing being publishable)
-
who then travels
-
with chocolate connoisseurs
-
to MOscow, where
-
they bathe in
-
ice cold vodka
-
Which further shrank
-
their already tiny
-
teeny bald heads
-
and nether parts
-
to wrinkled walnuts
-
like Mr Wench's
-
evil: evil: evil:
-
wot she admitted
-
to her room
-
Vaseline in hand
-
because chapped lips
-
As Mandelson knows
-
can't pucker properly
-
even with lubrication
-
yet chutney ferrets
-
butter no turnips
-
nor fair maiden
-
from whence came
-
a mighty wind
-
and a stroppy
-
yet strangely endearing
-
small that could
-
still appear large
-
words wrong order
-
on Chinese menu
-
because they can't
-
catch a lobster
-
but certainly crabs
-
which they cook
-
in string vests
-
while waving their
-
big shiny choppers
-
in the general
-
direction of the
-
customers queuing in
-
the vain hope
-
of escaping IKEA
-
tat free and
-
then off to
-
cakey train shop
-
with steamed up
-
glasses which seldom
-
clear enough to
-
see further than
-
the next cake
-
or railway engine
-
hurtling towards LL
-
in her new
-
slightly rickety office
-
without any visible
-
causes for concern
-
but with hindsight
-
those leftover bits
-
of goat cutlet
-
were despised by
-
even the dog
-
even the dog
although his tastebuds
-
had been destroyed
-
long, long ago
-
after licking BM's
-
home brew barrel
-
that through neglect
-
and decorating duties
-
had turned rusty
-
and harboured many
-
icky creepy crawlies
-
and huge spiders char062
-
not to mention
-
small cakey trains
-
and caked on
-
christmas cake crumbs
-
which itched terribly
-
but long claws
-
from the lobster
-
and Santa Claws
-
did not bring
-
any chocolate to
-
poor wenchy's house
-
or a werking
-
model of a
-
fat chocolate dalek
-
or Madeira train
-
or laptop computer
-
that doesn't work
-
and never will
-
because it was
-
out of date
-
even before Wenchy
-
painted it pink
-
with Dulux emulsion
-
which got in
-
all her nooks
-
and naughty bits
-
of frilly garments
-
which were stuffed
-
with tissues, exaggerating
-
their plumpness and
-
lack of ironing
-
before inserting them
-
neatly folded, into
-
a little tiny
-
yet tastefully restored
-
yet tastefully restored
antique chest which
-
after gentle rubbing,
-
brought forth a
-
rosy glow that
-
made the PaintPod
-
start to work!
-
in Barman's dreams
-
which frequently involve
-
working PaintPods that
-
float around like
-
float around like
Plump ships on
-
acid and ecstasy
-
or a lake
-
of Cypriot Red
-
not boiled or
-
stirred, but shaken
-
with a side
-
salad and breadsticks
-
which were yumster
-
and quickly swallowed
-
not spat out
-
or fed to
-
Snoopy or Nick
-
or even Growler
-
who prefers cake
-
or mud pies
-
and large doughnuts
-
who doesn't like
-
jam, just sugar
-
spice and all
-
with chocolate icing
-
which made it
-
icky, sticky and
-
exceedingly yumster although
-
the Yellow Pages
-
coated in chocolate
-
lacked in texture
-
that cake would
-
fit inside the
-
old lady shopping
-
bag on wheels
-
that Mr. Wench
-
bought for tat
-
But Wenchy spotted
-
the paint pod
-
that Barman shoved
-
full of outdoor
-
paint which smelled
-
like Nick's microwave
-
on a good
-
high setting that
-
burned the dishcloth
-
before consuming the
-
rest of his
-
house in flames
-
and razing it
-
to the ground
-
leaving only the
-
bewildered Mrs Nick
-
to claim the
-
mahoosive insurance policy
-
which Nick had
-
already spent on
-
watching overpriced movies
-
and changing locks
-
, replacing car batteries
-
and pointless physiotherapy
-
and The Boy evil:
-
who started the
-
long declilne of
-
spelling ability and
-
need for chiropractic
-
sessions at great
-
expense and expanse
-
after Ebrell visited
-
committing tree surgery
-
and looming menacingly
-
cake in hand
-
chainsaw between teeth
-
chopper between knees
-
wedge in hand
-
having charged Nick
-
from the mains
-
who saw Donna cloud9:
-
who laughed at
-
the sight of
-
his walnut whip
-
without any nuts
-
but cold weather
-
shrunk them to
-
the size of
-
teeny tiny beans
-
or mushy peas
-
but not mushy
-
because they cause
-
Wenchy to fart
-
and burp like
-
a 500 Norton
-
or Graham Norton
-
after a night
-
in Nick's kitchen
-
eating hob nobs
-
with Macka who
-
also scoffs sprouts
-
but then he
-
suddenly shot off
-
because Mrs Nick
-
launched herself at
-
Nick, gagging for
-
a Heimlick Manoeuvre point:
-
from Donna who
-
unfortunately was unavailable
-
so Heather Mills
-
ripped off her
-
Gullible ex husbank
-
who wooden hurt
-
her missing leg
-
or his fly
-
fishing chums who
-
all had Paintpods
-
which actually werked
-
with matt black
-
paint but didn't
-
like the colour
-
pink but not
-
to worry because
-
PaintPods are shite
-
get a man
-
to fix yours
-
said LL firmly
-
noway said Barman! cussing:
-
rubbing his bruises
-
on his pert
-
and paint-splattered dome
-
which still shone
-
like a dollar
-
in the sunshine
-
and paint-splattered dome
That's four words! evil:
-
it is hyphenated!
-
It's still four
-
In the morning
-
and once more
-
we're all back
-
to discussing Baldymort
-
and Wenchy next
-
but she's lovely
-
self praise alert!
-
Back to Baldymort sad24:
-
Meanwhile, in the
-
depths of the
-
recession, citizens were
-
throwing themselves off
-
Wenchy's tat mountain
-
and landing in
-
a goat infested
-
PaintPod which miraculously
-
refuses to work
-
until BM takes
-
LL to pole
-
dancing lessons before
-
using her to
-
fix the paintpod
-
with her muscular
-
long lithe legs
-
that grip like
-
a nutcracker on
-
the broken PaintPod
-
which won't crush
-
velour curtains or
-
even pump paint
-
on the floor
-
which is now
-
covered in paint... noooo:
-
drumroll: So, on Saturday
-
weather permitting we
-
will attempt to
-
perform the daring
-
nine step Tango
-
on ice and
-
impress the Dulux
-
Paintpod seller who
-
, threatened with LL's
-
pole dancing skills
-
can't get insurance
-
but can crush
-
walnuts with thighs
-
yet improbably whenever
-
asked to demonstrate
-
her technique without
-
sitting down or
-
smoking a cigar
-
with hands tied
-
to an incredibly
-
smelly wriggly goat
-
which was destined
-
for a clifftop
-
rendezvous with some
-
other dead rancid
-
corned beef hash
-
that Paul Mcartney
-
and his ex
-
turned down in
-
disgust when Nick
-
revealed his throbbing
-
bruised and battered
-
and crumbly hobnob
-
as he euphemistically
-
calls Mrs Nick
-
on good days
-
which were few
-
and he wouldn't
-
have the nerve
-
to say such
-
for fear of
-
crushed nuts like
-
not in his
-
Hammered plastic bag
-
as he sometimes
-
has been known
-
to cock up
-
more than once
-
especially when painting
-
or just breathing
-
that MILF aroma
-
from those knees
-
and ankles which
-
a waitress could
-
trample BM into
-
the real world
-
unknown to Nick
-
and most visitors
-
to the asylum
-
which we inhabit
-
some of us evil:
-
can't get out
-
even though clearly
-
we're completely sane
-
despite the evidence
-
of the report
-
published widely in
-
National daily newspapers
-
of Albania where
-
Nick's calamitous reputation
-
ranked alongside Dracula
-
in the obituaries
-
even though Dracula
-
thought Nick was
-
busy with CBH
-
whereas in fact
-
it's a straightjacket
-
he was busy
-
rubbing some knees
-
and dreaming of
-
Transylvania, where the
-
knees are of
-
the knobbly variety
-
yet strangely hairless
-
and very pale
-
with pimples and
-
boils and sores
-
that erupt daily
-
in a mountain
-
that only TCP
-
could begin to
-
assuage yet similar
-
eruptions kept appearing
-
on Nick's face
-
to the delight
-
of The Boy
-
and Mrs. Nick
-
who pointed out
-
She could've done
-
the washing up
-
but for her
-
each day arrived
-
with the onset
-
of PMT ultra
-
and the horror
-
of life with
-
lots of scallies
-
and Nick who
-
was an unpredictable
-
but excellent cook
-
but life was
-
better for CBH
-
so Nick claimed
-
correctly as his
-
poor addled brain
-
turned to new
-
yet still repulsive
-
spotty fat knees
-
and a brain
-
which Growler had
-
but Nick's was
-
in better condition
-
but still lacking
-
a head in
-
an egg like
-
brain's decidedly yolky
-
and in formaldehyde
-
on Growler's shelf
-
where Nick couldn't
-
hope to see
-
or take it
-
for a muddy
-
yet invigorating roll
-
on pert round
-
also strangely pointy
-
breasts which smelled
-
of stuffed goat
-
which was strange
-
as they were
-
like withered dugs
-
and painted with
-
bright and sparkly
-
lipstick which Nick
-
himself used Thursdays
-
to draw hair
-
to draw hair
on his lips
-
which he enjoyed
-
as Miss D's
-
disgust became obvious
-
as he'd borrowed
-
Growler's frightful pants
-
Growler's frightful pants
to wear with
-
the bright lipstick
-
of LL's pod
-
the bright lipstick
which looked fetching
-
until painted on
-
until painted on
you can't polish
-
a turd afterall
-
SHE BROKE IT evil:
-
screamed Nick fleeing
-
with turd and
-
tin of Pledge
-
to buff up
-
BM's dull head
-
before applying makeup
-
to his willy
-
eeek: eeek: eeek:
-
which required loads whistle:
-
OF KNEE LUBRICANT
-
to stop chafing
-
on Bm's head
-
when bending down
-
letting the sun
-
warm his expansive
-
private parts and
-
small, but cute
-
weeny teeny peeny
-
ickle bitty teeny
-
great big knob! happy088
-
Fantasy is good
-
he broke it noooo:
-
It's easily mended
-
with a smart
-
five knuckle sandwich
-
or cold shower
-
depending on the
-
angle it's at
-
Or if LL
-
laughs at it.
-
while pole dancing
-
which is unlikely
-
. However the weather
-
was not clement
-
or even punitive
-
but cold as
-
a witch's tit
-
and dark as
-
dark could be
-
even darker than
-
the darkest darkness
-
so dark that
-
light had vanished
-
not only light
-
but everything else
-
even paint pods
-
and TV sets
-
remain in boxes
-
tis the season
-
to be jolly
-
when Turkey Farmers
-
make loadsa lolly
-
by snapping the
-
necks of poor
-
defenceless yet tasty
-
and well fed
-
big, fat turkeys
-
stuffed with figs
-
from Barman's garden
-
of Remembrance, which
-
was mentioned on
-
the big screen
-
cinema that Barman
-
dreamed of acquiring
-
and eventually did! cloud9:
-
until LL's mop
-
of unruly hair
-
stuck to poles
-
that BM had
-
stupidly painted and
-
not put signs
-
on his pole
-
"This way up"
-
"Use no hooks"
-
"Do not touch"
-
"Indoor use only"
-
"dog free zone"
-
evil: evil: evil:
-
the hound slunk
-
round behind Wenchy
-
and cocked his
-
leg on BM
-
who thought Wenchy
-
looked simply marvelous
-
despite not wearing
-
a 3½ carat
-
carrot round her
-
belly button because
-
his shiney bonce
-
blinded her to
-
all but trains
-
delivering dairy-free cake
-
and IKEA meatballs
-
then Wenchy awoke
-
in Barman's cinema
-
feeling claustrophobic and
-
with a sore
-
sore neck from
-
shouting at Mr
-
BM for more
-
popcorn and icecream
-
and more legroom
-
and comfortable seating
-
and a better
-
class of customer
-
facing staff and
-
getting kicked out cussing:
-
in blissful relief
-
never to return
-
DVDs to Blockbusters
-
or Υπερπαραγωγές as
-
it's all Greek
-
to BM anyway
-
especially pod instructions
-
in any language
-
. Don't start me
-
painting I don't
-
plan to finish
-
before new year
-
especially when LL
-
changes her mind
-
Over the colour I've already painted in the fucking bathroom! cussing:
-
He broke it
-
said pod man
-
I confused threads redface:
-
for hairs on
-
the thumbs screws
-
which he used
-
to keep people
-
in their seats
-
during the Intermission
-
so that he
-
could sell ointment
-
to those who
-
have a sore
-
neck from sitting
-
in uncomfortable chairs
-
or uncomfortable laps
-
in cramped conditions
-
with no oxygen
-
or more importantly
-
unremitting porn movies
-
involving stuffed goats
-
bald headed men
-
angry pole dancers
-
three french hens
-
and a paint-pod
-
in a fig-tree
-
laughs out loud
-
as did I
-
at the prospect
-
of no invite
-
to the next
-
free drinks day
-
or movie night
-
in the miniature
-
yet capacious home
-
fig goat cellar
-
which doubles up
-
as a slave
-
labour camp combined
-
with goat rearing
-
and cinema going
-
for a low
-
low, low APR
-
and matching ceiling
-
with new coat
-
and matching shoes
-
holding the screen
-
to task for
-
being so petite
-
compared to vast
-
swathes of bedlinen
-
stored along with
-
the projector, which
-
, missing it's lamp
-
or its lamp evil:
-
said the pedant
-
, missing its lamp redface:
-
polishing it's lense whistle:
-
he he he
-
and being dim
-
as a Toc
-
or goat Tick
-
H lamp I
-
lost my hair
-
and have hangover
-
most mornings but
-
even worse today
-
because of paint
-
all over the
-
place, everywhere in
-
LL's hair and
-
nooks and crannies
-
even Barman's huge
-
ego, which was
-
endangering his "cinema"
-
and every goat
-
for miles around
-
(well over 20,000)
-
leagues under the
-
tiny swimming pool
-
table, which was
-
even smaller than
-
the smallest table
-
seen in Lilliput
-
since Barman's cinema
-
was so small
-
that only dwarves
-
and Oompah Loompahs
-
could be seated
-
. However, the ensuite
-
was big enough
-
for some popcorn
-
and several stools
-
passed by censors
-
to be suitable
-
for baldy perverts
-
and Greek Leprechauns
-
who were too
-
tall to fit
-
So BM built
-
a new chimney
-
to maintain LL's
-
belief in Santa
-
aka Father Christmas cussing:
-
who doesn't exist
-
some may say
-
others know better
-
indeed we do
-
. Bollocks to this
-
said BM banging
-
his virtual GF
-
, her stockings hanging
-
from the pod
-
which kept dripping
-
, drip
, drip
, drip
-
forming a puddle
-
that grew larger
-
until finally Alice
-
placed her foot
-
in the liquid
-
with a splash
-
entering another world ...
-
in a haze
-
of BM's homebrew
-
where goats pranced
-
on tip toes
-
whilst playing Pan-pipes
-
in a balletic
-
cinematic manouevre to
-
eat LLs undies
-
eeek: eeek: eeek:
-
as a snack
-
like goats do
-
when the figs
-
make undies tasty
-
and expedite excretion
-
in careless insects
-
eeek: eeek: eeek:
-
We're all shocked
-
DS eats pants?
-
so it seems
-
. It beggars belief
-
but explains much
-
that previously went
-
over your heads noooo:
-
just high enough
-
to lift combovers
-
away from their
-
natural shiny place
-
on Nick's pale
-
but stained Panama
-
Canal model, which
-
on the platform
-
looked somewhat incongruous,
-
among the cakes
-
Snoopy deleted his
-
cake related post
-
which made mine
-
make no sense evil:
-
no I didn't
-
it is still
-
there but altered
-
to make sense
-
I am hurt
-
I am sorry
-
You should be.
-
said the invisible
-
cat on mat
-
who could speak!
-
if a beagle
-
can why not
-
but can invisible
-
words be heard
-
if invisible people
-
can speak them
-
in the forest
-
, no one hears scared2:
-
you scream, even
-
if your cries
-
can curdle Dulux
-
or bring on
-
premature baldness of
-
of a paintbrush
-
incompetently wielded by
-
LL who tried
-
to beat BM
-
who was too
-
fast to be
-
caught by her
-
attempting to paint
-
the borders and
-
behind his ears
-
, pointy like Spocks
-
and black like
-
Reg Varney's head
-
now he's off
-
to meet Elvis
-
and other dead
-
boring entertainers who
-
eat lots of
-
Angel Delight and
-
jammy dodgers and
-
pluck their harps
-
and their eyebrows
-
until nothing is
-
left but baldness
-
on which people
-
could view their
-
films just like
-
Imax, only smaller
-
, much much smaller
-
so small that
-
only an ant
-
or small aunt
-
would bother turning
-
up to see
-
a beautiful pea-green
-
beneath a mattress
-
that only Princess
-
Wenchy could feel
-
with her ample
-
NO! I musn't
-
He broke it
-
we must restart!
-
Shouted Liberaces mum
-
as he broke
-
off before Wenchy
-
could break wind
-
she'd eaten beans redface:
-
yet again because
-
she was poor
-
and methane heats
-
many a shower
-
and hot-water bottles eveilgrin:
-
if you're careful
-
when filling them
-
tunble: tunble: tunble:
-
What's this shite
-
but the ramblings
-
of old men
-
and wenchy who
-
needs a good
-
hard spanking when
-
BM's lust rises
-
and painting just
-
won't get dry
-
eeek:, said Wenchy
-
imagining the spanking
-
leading to bigger
-
more scared2: scared2:
-
dangerous and extreme
-
punishments. Wenchy tortured
-
everyone with tat
-
and dairyfree dinners
-
uttering a wispa
-
a wispa, my
-
arse, said Wenchy
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
sick2: sick2: sick2:
-
Marianne Faithfull did
-
with a Mars
-
bar allegedly once
-
with Mick Jagger
-
allegedly we stress
-
indeed, allegedly is
-
important because we
-
weren't actually there
-
and cannot afford
-
to be sued
-
plus we have
-
reason to believe
-
than Nick used
-
but no longer
-
rubschin: rubschin: rubschin:
-
, to know Marianne
-
and hob nobbed
-
in a similar
-
pair of pants
-
to Bridget Jones
-
who he also
-
offered a Mars
-
a day that
-
he hoped would
-
help her work
-
rest and play
-
throughout the day
-
in that order
-
for a takeaway
-
39 doesn't come
-
with rice but
-
with chips instead
-
and curry sauce
-
unlike 69 which
-
comes when ready
-
although the taste
-
eeek: eeek: eeek:
-
can be variable
-
with the tide
-
that ebbs and
-
rells around Nick
-
who dislikes rells
-
even more than
-
typographical errors that
-
led us astray
-
much like thoughts
-
of things sexual
-
we can remember
-
only occasionally now
-
, and never clearly
-
due to the
-
preponderance of scientific
-
apparatus needed to
-
resuscitate Nick before
-
he is endowed
-
with life ~ Igor
-
And yet, sadly
-
the thunder storm
-
which was needed
-
to scare off
-
the demons in
-
Nick's head refused
-
to be exorcised
-
and continued their
-
unrelenting progress towards
-
world domination via
-
Nick's bodily vessel
-
the thought of
-
Nick's bodily vessel
-
makes me sick2:
-
although that's really
-
not the point
-
because Nick is
-
clearly certifiably insane
-
without demonic assistance
-
and with it
-
or without it
-
he is bonkers
-
or insanely certifiable
-
yet certainly insane
-
if not broadly
-
then minimially at
-
the end of
-
his useful mental
-
tether which always
-
seems rather short
-
but Mrs. Nick
-
is a tower
-
of babel comnpared
-
with my chicken
-
icecream surprise that
-
is still frozen
-
and potentially contains
-
lethal doses of
-
badger and cake
-
not to mention
-
lethal bacteria which
-
will kill all
eveilgrin:
-
I was thinking
-
that's an event
-
mark it down
-
on the calendar
-
just in case
-
someone reads it
-
and panics, like
-
which is unlikely
-
as no-one reads
-
it ever as
-
far as I
-
can see because
-
it is shite
-
but somehow odourless
-
colourless and tasteless
-
just like KFC
-
and Big Mac
-
but not hobnobs
-
Nor BM's head
-
which share similar
-
genetic material from
-
the primordial slime
-
oozing from tat
-
and pickled cucumber
-
in Wenchy's storeroom
-
which heaves with
-
laughter at his
-
collection of cucumbers
-
and huge melons
-
which Mr Wench
-
can't keep his
-
eyes or hands
-
near or spontaneous
-
grasping, a symptom
-
men are afflicted
-
with when presented
-
with any breast-like
-
cucumbers or similar
-
amusing vegetables that
-
come to hand
-
or foot which
-
can also poke
-
Mr Wench in
-
the eye during
-
his "exercise class"
-
which he attends
-
most nights each
-
week to keep
-
poor dear Wenchy
-
on the job
-
seekers allowance, despite
-
pretending to work
-
at the VP
-
for no pay
-
but certain benefits eyes:
-
like the tips
-
there aren't many sad24:
-
except when Snoopy
-
does tricks for
-
the lady customers
-
who laugh and
-
point cruelly at
-
the poor hound's
-
tiny lipstick which
-
often seemed to
-
match his tongue
-
and tongue his
-
shoes and laces
-
all of which
-
were too small
-
but commensurate with
-
his brain size
-
which, werking overtime,
-
lasted three minutes
-
longer than BM
-
with solar panels eeek:
-
to power his
-
huge chrome dome
-
atop his huge
-
and burgeoning ego
-
which rarely displayed
-
any signs of
-
visible support although
-
118 pages of ...what tf is this shite, or am i supposed to read it all fiirst to find out? confused:
-
118 pages of ...what tf is this shite, or am i supposed to read it all fiirst to find out? confused:
doh:
You broke it... we'll have to start again now... noooo:
-
Once upon a
-
christmas cake there
-
was a tiny
-
plastic snowman and
-
a holly leaf
-
and a teeny
-
weeny little sleigh
-
with santa and
-
Rudolph the Red
-
Barons best mate
-
was his donkey
-
-sized ears which
-
kept his hat
-
firmly on his
-
shiny but pointed
-
badger bald bonce
-
which shone like
-
a silver dollar
-
from LLs purse
-
which was seldom
-
open when Barman
-
couldn't find his
-
wallet which had
-
white fivers, moths
-
, a condom and
-
expired credit card
-
(like the condom)
-
but unused unlike
-
the wig collection
-
or the condom
-
, the cake tin
-
the PaintPod or
-
dancing pole grease
-
they're self lubricating
-
for teenage dancers
-
Dirty old man
-
on the other
-
photo in wallet
-
was a picture
-
which folded out
-
into a dartboard
-
with the face
-
of Gordon Brown
-
as the bullseye
-
and Darling as
-
the nail which
-
will be chewed
-
to the quick
-
as Gordon seeks
-
to blame someone
-
who can help
-
him find his
-
arse with both
-
hands as he
-
flees the country
-
fleeces the country
-
and then goes
-
up in smoke
-
along with the
-
rest of the
-
economy which he
-
clearly doesn't understand
-
or even care
-
about, but has
-
decided to punish
-
those who contribute
-
and reward parasites
-
to buy votes
-
for the next
-
pointless election thst
-
we were bound
-
hand and foot
-
and forced to
-
eat our own
-
feet for sustenance
-
instead of cake
-
or iced gems
-
that nobody likes
-
to admit enjoying
-
because it's embarrassing
-
to have Mandelson
-
dance for you
-
on your pole
-
while wearing a
-
gaudy, yet exquisite
-
mankini with sequined
-
codpiece made from
-
real cod, smelling
-
rather disgusting because
-
exceeding the quota
-
of smeg caused
-
by Ikea marketing
-
with IKEA meatballs
-
and IKEA commonplace
-
tat, which Wenchy
-
thrived on although
-
with lower VAT
-
but higher NI
-
Darling is soon
-
to see the
-
the dole queue
-
or the queue
-
of tat buyers
-
at the oxfam
-
where good tat
-
could disguise his
-
his lack of
-
complete lack of
-
understanding or logic
-
of anything to
-
do with ladders
-
or the economy evil:
-
which he thinks
-
will all get
-
better despite his
-
utter utter incompetence
-
I repeat, utter
-
and complete incompetence
-
. Total incompetence in
-
or laminate flooring
-
he broke it
-
when he fell
-
on the laminate
-
which the floor
-
was covered by
-
unlike the table
-
which was not
-
designed for landing
-
or laminating, hence
-
its untimely demise
-
when impacted by
-
a flying goatherd
-
Lay-ee-odl lay-ee-odl lay-hee-hoo
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
sang Julie Andrews
-
prancing across the
-
top of BM's
-
6' plasma TV
-
and five seater
-
Kampa Khazi which
-
has no off-road
-
suspension or stabilisers
-
so ended up
-
up ended like
-
in the pool
-
where the goats
-
bathed and frolicked
-
despite the presence
-
of the vehicle
-
and its toilet
-
upside down in
-
and leaking effluent
-
he broke it
-
but he's depressed
-
yes I am
-
so our sympathy
-
to Judge Mort
-
could be expected
-
but not given
-
because we are
-
miserable gits anyway.
-
Three posts together
-
happens a lot
-
but shouldn't because
-
you said so?
-
no because it
-
makes a mockery
-
of the game
-
which is serious
-
oh very serious ::)
-
you broke it
-
YES! eveilgrin: tunble:
-
Well feck off!
-
commanded the judge
-
Bollox said Admin
-
Nurse the screens
-
will not hide
-
the sheer inanity
-
of the grumpy
-
yet somehow loveable
-
Bar Wench who
-
remains strangely absent
-
for obvious reasons
-
Since IKEA is
-
open for lunch
-
as is Wenchy
-
as a rule
-
when Mr Wench (the poorman, can I say that without breaking it, like?)
-
no you can't
-
said Wenchy cussing:
-
with a flourish
-
of her cape
-
Canaveral tee shirt
-
nicely moistened and
-
tightly stretched over
-
BM's baldy head
-
before waterboarding him
-
With her (Oh I can't be arsed)
-
doesn't surprise me
-
nor me, neither
-
even making allowance
-
for the unusual
-
way his brain
-
is wired to
-
the planet Uranus
-
by way of
-
avoiding the obvious
-
which you did
-
and surprised you
-
quite so. Shocked
-
to the core
-
which was iron
-
-on like one
-
of BMs wigs
-
. Oh the irony
-
the magnetic personality
-
the bionic legs
-
LL wraps around
-
the shining pole
-
eeek: eeek: eeek:
-
Pole dancing pole ::)
-
that is broken
-
but some filler
-
and a ladder
-
and a paintpod
-
job done then
-
apart from the
-
'ole in't floor
-
what ole in't
-
t'ole full of
-
filler like what
-
see other thread
-
-bare ideas that
-
Nick invents daily
-
Mail readers' nightmares
-
or strange dreams
-
and bizarre fantasies
-
involving Battenberg Locomotives
-
which in AINSDALE
-
'ardly ever 'appen
-
outside 'is 'ead
-
so to speak
-
as it were
-
. Today started off
-
rather badly and
-
looks as if
-
it's going downhill
-
faster than a
-
speeding bullet and
-
will end in
-
a big crash
-
, upsetting all plans
-
Also poets day
-
he broke it
-
No I didn't
-
Also poets day
which was not
-
making any sense
-
until Nick learnt
-
to play by
-
rules that everybody
-
in the world
-
understood apart from
-
the cerebrally challenged
-
a group that
-
meets frequently at
-
"The Wayward Goat"
-
a nicer pub
-
by far than
-
some pubs I
-
have been in
-
such as the
-
Dead Donkey Norks
-
eeek: lol: eeek:
-
wherein disreputable Nicks
-
run excellent games
-
which some regulars
-
consider badly constructed
-
but not as
-
some have said
-
"Utter, utter, utter... "
-
jolly good inclusive
-
yet completely crap
-
piles of lamps
-
which are perfect
-
breeding grounds for
-
Nick's mental schemes
-
and sundry bacteria
-
that inhabit the
-
large empty orifices
-
at the sides
-
of Nick's head
-
where the wires
-
entwine like spaghetti
-
like the interwebs
-
in his mind
-
and go pop
-
like the weasel
-
and fizz like
-
a fizzy thing
-
that fizzes like
-
a shaken alcopop
-
shaken, not stirred
-
but with sugar
-
and e-numbers to
-
compensate for the
-
lack of solid
-
taste and bubbles
-
in his brain
-
which is smaller
-
than the crayon
-
which he pokes
-
up his nose
-
relieving the pressure
-
of Growlers fist
-
on dying threads
-
I forgot it
-
when I hit
-
my head on
-
the nonslip mat
-
and my shins
-
. My poor shins sad24:
-
poor, poor shins
-
poor, poor, poor
-
poor skinless shins
-
and my knee sad24:
-
and your laminate
-
flooring which looks
-
truly gubbed by
-
the impact from
-
no it doesn't! evil:
-
You broke it!
-
You broke it!
I didn't break it, the ladder fell on it like! cussing:
OIC redface:
-
the impact from
Barman's bonce slamming
-
into the filler
-
for LLs stocking
-
which he's banned
-
unless she wears
-
fishnets and suspenders
-
he'd fall off
-
the ladder anyway
-
Ladders, stockings ~ gerrit?
-
he broke it
-
what, the ladder?
-
no, the laminate
-
could be worse
-
Lamb he ate? ;)
-
lamb and table
-
mutton and cauliflower
-
lamb and table
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
-
I thang yoo
-
. Yew are welcome
-
you're too kind redface:
-
said Darwin realising
-
he was underpricing
-
his turnips and
-
missing profitable opportunities
-
with Christmas Trees
-
and turkeys which
-
are seasonal fare
-
and not VATable
-
if left uncooked
-
but attract VAT
-
then you're stuffed
-
preferably with figs
-
or Talisker stuffing
-
. This forgotten thread
-
had not gone
-
away, just hibernated
-
cos it is
-
too fecking cold
-
to go out
-
weatherman promises improvement
-
with fingers crossed
-
but little hope
-
colder than Wales
-
on a cold
-
cold cold cold
-
dark cold freezing
-
wet miserable wales
-
so wet that
-
it was drowning rubschin:
-
in its wetness
-
along with various
-
damp or soggy
-
MILsFH who stumbled
-
headfirst into bogs
-
under the weight
-
of Wench's gifts cloud9:
-
plus gentle push
-
from the DILFH
-
an unknown anagram
-
but easily deciphered
-
for some not
-
Daughter in Law
-
who is lovely! cussing:
-
'Course she is
-
in each and
-
possible way but
-
no buts because
-
well perhaps one
-
that's spelled 'butt'
-
said Darwin as
-
so ably stated
-
previously in this
-
never ending story
-
of ridiculous shite!
-
never, never, never noooo:
-
hesitation, repetition or
-
deviation such as
-
butts or knobs
-
Wenchy I'm shocked
-
Snoopy I'm surprised
-
Wenchy's hates welsh
-
idiot who can't
-
organise anything ever!!!!!
-
Oh dear he's
-
been found out
-
not Mr Wench noooo:
-
who is just
-
always wrong regardless
-
of total incompetence
-
despite being Welsh
-
he's quite nice
-
but incompetent tho
-
all men are noooo:
-
not all men eyes:
-
especially cypriot expats!
-
Well bugger me
-
no thank you
-
I'd rather not!
-
not while there
-
are people watching
-
and good clean
-
fun to be
-
had with a
-
bag of balloons
-
and helium gas
-
which makes you
-
explode when the
-
Gasman comes to
-
read the meter
-
On Monday morning
-
nice an' early
-
during Christmas week! cloud9:
-
Bah Humbug Etc.
-
snow sleet ice
-
probably another injury
-
and bad feet
-
inadequate foot wear
-
Dr. Martin squeezers
-
, an Acne remedy,
-
which makes mirrors
-
unuseable for cocaine
-
voice of experience
-
smeared with vaseline
-
can sing Tosca
-
in his bath
-
out of order?
-
buy another one
-
off the net
-
for a guinea
-
that costs £2
-
less than chips
-
and serves eight
-
people right for
-
even thinking about
-
eating furry pigs
-
which most agree
-
make lovely pets
-
and good curries
-
and saussage shaped
-
tasty Christmas nibbles
-
if you don't
-
have any choice
-
and like shite
-
come in here
-
and sample the
-
wonderful company and
-
then wake up
-
smell the coffee
-
-soaked carpet and
-
realise that vomit
-
always contains carrot
-
and is generally
-
eaten by dogs
-
but not snoopy
-
. who would rather
-
lick beer from
-
a womans navel
-
or an ashtray
-
0332hr's Bar Wench eeek:
-
Anyhooo this ashtray
-
and Wenchies 'insomnia' eyes:
-
can't be linked
-
by a dog
-
not licked sorry redface:
-
by a frog
-
far out man bom
-
insomnia really sucks
-
especially at night
-
better when driving
-
Mr. Wench mad
-
cow disease fears
-
lead to depression
-
insomnia and blisters
-
can easily form
-
if you sit
-
too close to
-
Nick's Xmas cake
-
or other flammable
-
and edible combustible
-
or risible comestible
-
or cheesy comestible
-
Christmas and Seasonal
-
riotous and treasonable
-
Christmas and Seasonal,
Riotous and Treasonable,
Long to reign.... (familiar anthem?)
-
down the drain...?
-
in Spain mainly
-
on the plain
-
. Well it was
-
like this see
-
Nick started something
-
he can't finish!
-
Then the chocolate
-
joined the Branston
-
at Virgin media
-
to fly planes
-
and clean hospitals eeek:
-
at poor standards
-
in both cases
-
plus the trains
-
which are shite
-
more shite than
-
the shitiest shite
-
even shitier than
-
the Ainsdale shoppe
-
On t'northern line
-
where cake, trains
-
trifles and buns
-
sprouts 'n' stuffing
-
all contribute to
-
an explosive Christmas
-
ho ho ho
-
Merry Christmas everybody!
-
said Silver Fox
-
on Christams Day! cloud9:
-
Whatever that is
-
It's like Christmas
-
only much heavier
-
with Brussels sprouts
-
and global warming
-
which is shite
-
unlike sausage meat
-
which is also
-
bloody delicious thanks!
-
when stuffed inside
-
a nice bird
-
as the bishop
-
took the queen
-
up the back
-
specialist for manipulation
-
with acupuncture for
-
everything but piles
-
and tiny holes
-
which fill up
-
with blood and
-
make leeches famous
-
if not infamous
-
but well known
-
to leech addicts
-
who's hobby entails
-
sniffing leeches up
-
after they've sucked
-
a vacuum cleaner's
-
surprisingly tasty, yet
-
noisy and vibratory
-
and frequently dusty
-
but still able
-
to suck like
-
a high class
-
anteater on speed
-
or camel with
-
a strong thirst
-
and a boot
-
in the plums
-
that sounds painful
-
for the plums
-
but the camel
-
ran faster than
-
Neil Diamonds nose
-
chasing a line
-
of chorus girls
-
wearing nothing but
-
some white powder
-
or Brazilian dandruff
-
which Lord Salsa
-
dipped his tortilla
-
into hoping it
-
would add spice (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.clipartof.com%2Fimages%2Femoticons%2Fxsmall2%2F1994_snorting_cocaine.gif&hash=c74e6662b6835a4984947c5ccb451e682faa9269) (http://www.clipartof.com)
-
to his Rhumba
-
while his castanets
-
dangle, loosely swinging
-
like Ulrikas norks
-
in the sultry
-
drip tray of
-
a Wirral Harem
-
, like Procol Harem
-
only much paler
-
and less melodious
-
more like the
-
Eunuch voice choir
-
that Paul Mcartney
-
made from frogs
-
and vegetarian saussages
-
which eunuchs use
-
in place of
-
real sausages eyes:
-
real sausages eyes:
. Filthy girl Wenchy
-
makes own Eunuchs
-
shudder with embarrassment
-
at the impending
-
arrival of her
-
estranged ex husband
-
who was mysteriously
-
abducted by Nick
-
who showed him
-
his cake remains
-
and cake trains
-
and where to
-
stick his slate
-
remains which disintegrate
-
when car tyres
-
touch them so
-
wait for his
-
cries of anguish
-
when the dustcart
-
slips and slides
-
into LL's lingerie
-
which matched his
-
tiny black toupee
-
and red eyes
-
and also had
-
a very small
-
scar, where the
-
shins had been
-
shins you say? eeek:
-
said nonslip man
-
clutching his bruised
-
hip and ego
-
which had grown
-
beyond all measure
-
in LL's eyes whistle:
-
before Specsavers corrected
-
the prices on
-
her triple strength
-
milk bottle glasses
-
which she rarely
-
dared put on
-
for fear of
-
seeing her husband
-
with an enlarged
-
yet still miniscule
-
scar, where the
Yes, I know, that's what I put last time.... So?
-
vet's scalpel had
-
removed two vast
-
mammaries which he
-
kept in a
-
secret scrap book
-
full of his
-
former hair and
-
makeup artist, who
-
was overworked at
-
cleaning the brushes
-
and the rollers
-
, heated tongs and
-
sharp instruments for
-
removal of fluff
-
, botox scars and
-
failed tranplant follicles
-
also transplant follicles
-
and old tattoos
-
and shin scars
-
not healed yet
-
nor likely to
-
morph into a
-
gay TV artist
-
who then dies
-
and completes ANCDB!
-
Meanwhile, the inauguration
-
of Nick began
-
his speech was
-
slurred and meaningless
-
comparing him unfavourably
-
with a snail
-
who sent mail
-
via snail mail
-
and female snail
-
with a trail
-
and a veil
-
looking rather pale
-
from drinking ale
-
with Alexi Sale
-
in pouring hail
-
while feeling frail
-
filing her nail
-
for reading braille
-
snail with nail?
-
typo in braille
-
with a wail
-
. Eat salt snail eveilgrin:
-
head in pail
-
snail is dead ::)
-
a funeral follows
-
many, many sorrows
-
slugged to death
-
by a slug
-
obvious really innit
-
you'd think so
-
in a nutshell
-
or a snailshell
-
Anywho, what happenned
-
The butler did it
-
Nick broke it
-
what a plonker
-
using four werds
-
guts stick bad
-
and squeeze are
-
words that will
-
become extinct according
-
to some people
-
with too much
-
time on their
-
Hands. Idle feckers.
-
See here. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/7911645.stm
-
not for me noooo:
-
my middle name
-
is strangely apposite
-
it is Dick
-
it is not
-
it should be
-
and yours is
-
something quite different
-
from dick or
-
Willy or John
-
but should be
-
something more like
-
Richard or perhaps
-
Quentin or Archibald
-
The Boy has
-
joined a circus
-
regrettably not yet
-
run away from
-
the mad house
-
to which he
-
holds the keys
-
of the harmonium
-
which he pumps
-
and the medicine
-
which he pimps
-
to the inmates
-
fish fingers tonight
-
said the orderly
-
in Villa Baldy
-
which makes a
-
change from chips
-
and ripped bikinis
-
although curiously it
-
did not change
-
before diving in
-
the goat pool
-
it emerged that
-
Miss d's bikini
-
was transparent when
-
but only when
-
Barman added a
-
load of bleach
-
and home brew
-
which then dissolved
-
her little, tiny
-
polka dot bikini
-
that she wore
-
on the 'plane
-
but not later
-
than sunset, because
-
It got chilly
-
and her nipples
-
were not greased
-
however they were
-
not too rusty
-
but had they
-
been allowed to
-
come in contact
-
with more material
evil:
-
they would have
-
displayed a very
-
strange and little
-
known personality disorder
-
which left her
-
twitching with rage
-
In fact not
-
calm or cool
-
and not the
-
axe wielding homicidal
-
that was thought
-
she was indeed
(hint - angel1 angel1 angel1 angel1 angel1 angel1)
-
a very likable
-
axe wielding homicidal
-
who lived close
-
to the edge
-
so close to
-
the edge that
-
she moved away
-
taking with her
-
a large clown
-
a dentist dressed
-
like a clown
-
to chop them
-
big feet, red
BM I rather suspect that we may well be curtailing our time on this earth if we persue this......... scared2:
-
nose and ugly
-
sounds like Barman
-
nose and ugly
three piece suite
-
adorned with cushions
angel1
-
although paint splattered
-
from poor workmanship
-
and flea infested
-
goats slowly sinking
-
into LL's stew
-
snorkels and fins
-
lay abandoned by
-
the poolside as
-
Miss D bravely
-
escaped from basement
-
only to discover
-
an unpainted sub-basement
-
full of clowns
-
alive no more
evil: evil: evil: evil: evil: evil:
scared2:
-
the living dead
-
as New Labour
-
will soon be
-
in a bunker
-
surrounded by remnants
-
six paint pots
-
first aid kits
-
various discarded appendages
-
not forgetting clowns
-
and dismembered barmen
evil: evil: evil:
-
and Ronald McDonald
-
, whose make-up was
-
smeared with ketchup
-
, mustard and mayonnaise
-
in a bap
-
shaped like a
-
zeppelin and almost
-
a clown's shoe
-
I give up
-
. No one escapes spider:
-
the killer clowns
-
or the 3
-
Nick's of the
-
Virtual Pub Apocalypse
-
on curry night
-
featuring some complimentary
-
drinks all round
-
and curried knights
-
jousting with lethal
-
. No free drinks noooo:
-
makes no sense
-
except to Barman
-
in fluent gibberish
-
nothing makes sense
-
, however talk money
-
and all becomes...
-
Scrooge like and
-
quite frightening really scared2:
-
however, girding her
-
polka dot bikini
-
, her itsy bitsy
-
polka dot bikini
-
that she wore
-
on her head
-
inside her burka
-
which was rucked
-
and upside down
-
and inside out
-
but still opaque
-
so she thought
-
it would be
-
but for one
-
small but very
-
heavily made up
-
clown with a
-
large hose and
-
big clown shoes
-
an exploding car
-
and large wigs
-
not forgetting their
-
evil ferking barstewards
evil: evil: evil: evil: evil: evil:
-
she whispered softly
-
into the clown's
-
large pink oboe
-
happy001 happy001 happy001
-
not BM's oboe
-
as that was
-
shrivelled and disused
-
then hacked off
I will get my revenge - you horrible lot of clown loving, evil, twisted, sick, warped parasites evil:
-
scared2: scared2: scared2:
-
with an axe
-
and serious attitude
-
a blunt blade
-
but deadly aim
-
just took longer
-
and a few
-
chopper chops and
-
no pink piccolo
-
no pink piccolo
piccolo's being quite
-
obscure instruments of
-
unnecessary desire to
-
twitch and fumble
-
but no use
-
to man nor
-
beast from Alphacentauri
-
with pink probe
-
of massive proportions
-
by insect standards
-
although this should
-
make no difference
-
to the overall
-
performance or response
-
unless, of course
-
the cherry on
-
the tip of
-
my tongue which
-
was smothered liberally
-
with worming tablets
-
lol: Some double cream
-
, curried shepherds pie
-
three very smelly
-
Italian cheeses, which
-
were sock food
-
to be avoided
-
yet the hound
-
don't blame me
-
exclaimed the vet
-
the laboratory experiment
-
should have improved
-
levels of testosterone
-
his halitosis and
-
garden worm population
-
but tragically it
-
didn't do any
-
of the above.
-
infact, quite the opposite
-
She broke it.
(haven't written that for a while.)
-
Time for the ubiquitous...
point:
-
surely not, cried
-
But oh yes!
-
Surely wondered, not
-
to worry though
-
afterall fleas are
-
few and far
-
between the sheets
-
unlike bed bugs
-
which are notoriously
-
rampant between the
-
steaming foetid faeces sick2:
-
doh: Oh thank you sick2:
-
couldn't help it... noooo:
-
Another big boy?
-
Say do what?
-
Made him type?
-
those bad words
-
I thought so
-
. I am weak
-
shutup: shutup: shutup:
-
evil: evil: evil:
-
. I am weak
and barely human
-
sized or stature
-
a midgit infact
-
anyhoo the ladies
-
bogs were so
-
full of cameras eeek:
-
that caught Miss...
-
terious goings on ..............................
-
changing the demeanour...
-
not the attitude
-
nor the altitude
-
nor the platitude
-
or the patience
-
although the patients
-
in the asylum
-
posted on here
-
with amazing regularity
-
thanks to prunes
-
and a routine
-
electric shock therapy
-
and a midweel
-
like a unicycle
-
every twenty-eight days
-
padding was required
-
preventing saddle sores
-
which was ironic
-
considering the vast
-
surface area of
-
the merkin which
-
LL's goats furnished
-
their house with
-
wall to wall
-
wigs, toupees and
-
furry black merkins
-
, to say nothing
-
of missing cats
-
, sparrows, cacti and
-
tins of spinach
-
which Nick opened
-
with a breadknife
-
severing a major
-
portion of worktop
-
covered in rugs
-
and curry powder
-
evil: evil: evil:
-
and angry faces
-
and 300Kg bananas
-
for BM's amusing
-
but nonetheless serious
-
Carmina Banana Surprise bom
-
a bath bomb
-
with glitter effect
-
and bikini blowing
-
but not sucking
-
properties, but then
-
who really sucks
-
we will never
-
want to know
-
so whomsoever said
-
time stood still
-
was completely and
-
utterly motionless except
-
for a twinkling
-
shiny cranial expanse
-
blinding the locals
-
and confusing satellites
-
Sputnik notwithstanding, as
-
it was hirsute
-
not her suit
-
or her handbag
-
with an axe
-
and a breathalyser
-
which BM melted
-
in Nick's microwave
-
in a ridiculous
-
parody of real
-
life, when suddenly
-
a badger unexpectedly
-
stopped eating cake
-
and exploded leaving
-
chocolate orange stripes
-
making the rug
-
a questionable heirloom
-
, an insurance claim
-
was again begged
-
borrowed or stolen
-
from whoever was
-
doing the paperwork
-
which was mountainous
-
and largely ignored
-
until the red
-
Baron bumped into
-
an adjacent bi-plane
-
or gay glider
-
taxiing innocently along
-
the pink apron
-
which was worn
-
and somewhat threadbare
-
but curiously evocative
-
if only because
-
of the creases
-
, the faint odour
-
of kerosene and
-
its similarity to
-
a goat barbecue
-
kerosene and chlorine
-
unlikely combination though
-
a nice smell
-
, only rivaled by
-
the barmaids apron
-
not forgetting the
-
the slops bucket
-
which was conveniently
-
at Beagle height
-
and frequently tipped
-
down my throat
-
along with other
-
odds and ends
-
including fag ends
-
imported from America
-
where beagles are
-
highly regarded animals
-
known for obedience
-
fidelity, faithfullness and
-
a tidy basket
-
I am an angel1
-
not a Beagle
-
an angelic beagle
-
a rare creature
-
and now extinct
-
due to overtidying
-
and permanent earache
-
from envious posters
-
without a tidy
-
place to work
-
however untidy minds
-
are the norm
-
Dame Edna's Husband?
-
was no Beagle
-
more sausage dog
-
, cocktail sausage dog
-
in cider, naturally
-
pinned with the
-
pineapple and cheese
-
hedgehog from Abigail's
-
Party, which she
-
had lovingly prepared
-
garnished with Snoopys
-
finest paw prints
-
spoiling the design
-
so carefully created
-
to impress the
-
guests and friends
-
guests, and friends
of the local
-
Codfather AKA Barman
-
, who drooled over
-
his hostess's cleavage
-
and bound feet
-
with scarlet toenails
-
Who? The BM eeek:
-
Lips are sealed
-
round Ardbeg bottle
-
at safe distance
-
from any female
-
who likes Ardbeg
-
but not Aardvark
-
or Cilit Bang
-
or any other
-
spray on cleaner
-
who doesn't like
-
werking overtime, like
-
any of us
-
non self employed
-
Except Nick but
-
he's always exceptional
-
some say 'special'
-
others say needs
-
or quite needy
-
he's quite RUGged
-
shagpile or so
-
spongy and comfortable
-
with underfloor heating
-
, by way of
-
reducing global
worming warming
lol:
Actually, worming was better!
-
for Miss D
-
, who said "Why...
-
am I here?"
-
whilst carefully not
-
revealing that she
-
wasn't actually here Shrugs:
-
because huge turmoil
-
on the M25
-
caused by Nick's
-
Tesco online order
-
stuck under bridge
-
spewing sausages all
-
over old bangers
-
and excited dogs
-
which scoffed their
-
way into Nicks
-
emporium of excesses
-
and left a
-
orange tide mark
-
6mm long and
-
you knew that
-
Peter Hain had
-
been there like
-
a rat up
-
a drain pipe
-
trouser leg, which
-
had been festering
-
in the cellar
-
along with the
-
old Bar Wenches
-
big peachy bottom
-
which vaguely resembled
-
the back end
-
process of a
-
pantomine horse, which
-
smelt the glue
-
, fainted, and collapsed
-
then farted, and
-
spontaneously combusted leaving
-
nothing but a
-
very, very small
-
and rather frazzled
-
My Little PonyTM
-
and smouldering bikini
-
said bikini fetishist
-
, cakey train visionary
-
was legendary throughout
-
his tiny mind
-
which recommended reading
-
to the ignorant
-
peasants of Scallypool
-
and of London
-
he was fulsome
-
in cousin's praise
-
of his miniscule
-
, well-worn domestic appliance
-
with such suction
-
eviscerate a small
-
cockney with one
-
simple vortex action
-
like a Dyson eeek:
-
with disembowelling attachment
-
for gadget lovers
-
with dodgy kitchens
-
with Michelin stars
-
and a chipper point:
-
attitude to life
-
, gay and breezy
-
after a figfest
-
on the run
-
from Darwin's Dangerous
-
sharp wit and
-
turnip loving ways
-
not forgetting his
-
Swiss army knife
-
or combine harvester
-
and lamb castrater
-
and lamb castrater
who was munching
-
lamb testicles with
-
mustard in cider
-
despite this all
-
didn't taste very
-
much like Tequila
-
or like pasta
-
but was gritty
-
with fig seeds
-
and sharp sand
-
where really no
-
abrasive materials should
-
ever be allowed
-
exfoliating the Barbour
-
or even Belstaff
-
or even bell
-
Falstaff ,however was
-
always jolly and
-
drunk as a
-
powerful emetic, which
-
gushed out of
-
deference to Wenchy
-
from every orifice
-
splashing the iphone
-
which fizzed and crackled
-
then died, so
-
the Nokia brick
-
was recovered from
-
BM's extensive scrapyard
-
and cable collection
-
was untangled so
-
theoretically more accessible
-
however, in reality
-
, a scary place,
-
full of three
-
core and coax
-
with chains, shackles
-
cockles and mussels
-
alive, alive oh
-
but not for
-
long because TMR
-
's cockle muscle
-
had become infected
-
and dropped off
-
causing intense pain
-
which Youngs couldn't
-
no matter how
-
much he wished
-
that it didn't
-
repeat on him
-
it did with
-
alarming consequences for
-
those that were
-
in the vicinity
-
of planet earth
-
, eternity and beyond
-
the pail, which
-
quite beyond mere
-
kicking and milking
-
suited Ned Kelly
-
and Mars bars
-
on those lips
-
taste bloody lovely
-
said the innocent
-
but very endearingly
-
chocolate smeared lips
-
of Marianne Faithful
-
"Allegedly" we add
-
and she croaked
-
just like a
-
chocolate covered frog
-
which got cooked
-
in BM's pasta
-
along with several
-
κομμάτια της αίγας
-
which tasted disgusterous
-
. The quiet night
-
, the full moon
-
, the glistening stars
-
all painted a
-
mysterious scene which
-
glowed in the
-
wing mirror of
-
the Ford Cortina
-
being driven by
-
a beautiful
axeman axewoman
-
searching for revenge
-
WHO KILLS BOYS
-
with credit cards
-
not ordering Tesco's
-
goods on line
-
or special offers
-
with double points
-
Green Shield stamps
-
, buy one, get
-
a black eye
-
pea consignment from
-
their big warehouse
-
which is situated
-
in a secret
-
so secret that
-
not even the
-
the nipple clamps
-
could extract details
-
of the exact
-
whereabouts of Nick's
-
Banghead Banghead Banghead
-
delectable but slightly
-
Popcorn: Popcorn: Popcorn:
-
small smelly bum
-
How on earth do you know that?
I think we should be told. eeek:
-
How on earth do you know that?
I think we should be told. eeek:
You broke it... noooo:
-
What happens next?
-
spontanious combustion I
-
think I will
-
leave my credit
-
card so the
-
masses can purchase
-
heaps of bananas
-
,carrots and tinned
-
peaches and stuff
-
delivered right to
-
stuff he can't
-
hope to use
-
or know how
-
to open because
-
his fingers were
-
too fat to
-
undo his frilly
-
pvc nurses uniform
-
and change into
-
his Spiderman costume
-
although lacking spidery
-
appendages he cannot
-
get a grip
-
on reality or
-
anyhting else for
-
that matter as
-
his sticky web
-
of reality collapsed
-
after mucho collapso
-
and Boy related
-
disasters, such as
-
Nick's missing teeth
-
flexible credit card
-
the exploding badger
-
, eel filled hovercraft
-
and Tesco related
-
enormous deliveries of
-
bananas and stuff
-
-ing for poultry
-
and weapons, deadly
-
in expert hands
-
such as mine eyes:
-
layers and demolition
-
trained, using only
-
wrecking balls and
-
splitting hairs, which
-
he did regularly
-
with only a
-
few left, Barman
-
, on the other
-
planet he inhabits
-
a plethora of
-
obsequious yet somehow
-
engaging, despite the
-
belicose and overtly
-
pious, with tendencies
-
towards the frankly
-
ludicrously unimaginable farce
-
installing a shower
-
baking a loaf
-
cleaning up the
-
goat droppings from
-
Miss D's room
-
which until recently
-
was used by
-
Barman, following the
-
decorating disaster which
-
the goats denied
-
being responsible for
-
but goats lie
-
they are renown
-
and also renowned
-
as are most
-
underwear eating creatures
-
which consume so
-
much lingerie that
-
BM is envious
-
not only of
-
their vast appetite
-
but their bizarre
-
ability to munch
-
their own weight
-
in bikinis every
-
time they were
-
encouraged into the
-
swimming pool of
-
which we laugh
-
and laugh and
-
laugh and laugh
-
, laughing until we
-
all fell in
-
line ready to
-
start laughing again
-
AS Miss D
-
removed every last
-
speck of dust
-
and scrubbed Barmans
-
trunks with itching
-
powder,a salutary
-
lesson not to
-
talk when eating
-
a Happy Meal
-
or the toy
-
clown with the
-
head ripped off
evil:
-
leaving Barman without
-
anything to tease
-
nothing new there
-
thought Miss D
-
as she watched
-
with amazed awe
-
who just happened
-
to walk in
-
a gorgeous Adonis
-
six pack rippling
-
look it's Barman!
-
the Adonis said
-
raising an eyebrow
-
evil: evil: evil:
-
to order wine
-
from sulking Barman
-
Whose slop bucket
-
was by now
-
full of slops
-
called "Guest Ale"
-
which Miss D
-
poured down the
-
Adonis' Lycra shorts
-
making a stain
-
that his boyfriend
-
would later deny
-
he rubbed off
-
his dark mood
-
which resembled the
-
the dark clouds
-
of Tonga Volcano
-
, or tongue pie
-
whatever that is
-
cos nobody knows
-
the secret of ...
-
keeping women happy
-
for longer than
-
is absolutely necessary
-
for making babbys
-
. Not babbies exclaimed
-
everyone but Nick
-
who is obsessed
-
with babbies for
-
he is one
-
still in nappies
-
only at weekends
-
when Mrs. Nick
-
is buying rugs
-
for his head
-
shoulders, knees and
-
toes, knees and
-
toads. And badgers
-
, birds and bees
-
slugs and snails
-
puppy dog tails
-
that weren't docked
-
to any puppies
-
in the curry
-
that weren't illegal
-
unlike the chef
-
who got banged
-
in the slammer
-
and slammed in
-
the shower when
-
the soap slipped
-
from his fingers
-
and he stooped
-
to clean his
-
grubby , brittle toenails
-
not realising that
-
prisoners never bend
-
unless they want
-
to go straight
-
to the bottom
-
of the piles
-
of old magazines
-
stored under mattresses
-
in boys rooms
-
stuck together with
-
ahhh, ooo0h, yesss
-
Barry Scott endorsed
-
Cillit Bang eyes:
-
and he's gone
-
in a flash
-
in the pan
-
full of sizzling
-
rashers of bacon cloud9:
-
and fried eggs
-
cooked on Growlers
-
boiling hot bladder
-
exposed to elements
-
up his 'ill
-
distinctive smells wafting
-
across the valleys
-
from the farmyard
-
where they rendered
-
all lifeforms speechless
-
with chiropractor trickery
-
and farmers skullduggery
-
not to mention
-
the scallywags who
-
not to mention Banghead
-
kept repeating themselves
-
like pickled gherkins
-
and cucumber sandwiches
-
, Brussels sprouts and
-
pickled onion crisps
-
dipped in mayonnaise
-
and tasting pukester
-
like Barmans bread
-
. Most unlike Barman's
-
famous goat risotto
-
tasting mildly of
-
old goat but
-
was in fact
-
marinaded in chlorine
-
which gave a
-
basil bread flavour
-
more Basil Brush
-
or Lou Brush
-
Or Cilit Bang
-
. However moving on.
-
to new stuff
-
, what happens if
-
Barman can't find
-
his way out
-
of his own
-
three word story
-
because the number
-
of posters who
-
broke the rules
-
and the thread
-
increases exponentially each
-
day requiring more
-
server space than
-
BM pays for
-
or can afford
-
I'm filling up sad32:
-
with unleaded because
-
my empty tank
-
which only two
-
days ago was
-
full of shoes
-
, bread and goats
-
not forgetting clown
-
fish and large
-
shoals of tuna
-
. Dolphin friendly tuna
-
goat hostile tuna
-
and gay tuna
-
a weird bunch
-
but compatible with
-
any aquarium screensaver
-
except those which
-
Miss D. eats
-
covered in ketchup
-
when completely sozzled
-
and then pukes
-
in the pool
-
of vomit already
-
cleaned up by
-
the immensely powerful
-
army of Wenches
-
flown over especially
-
the amusement of
-
which was the
-
epicentre of misunderstanding
-
when I say
-
lascivious you mean
-
drooling, dribbling, disgusting
-
Laissez-faire attitude
-
which reflected a
-
encumbrance relating to
-
something or other
-
wot she can't remember
-
more's the pity
-
because she can't
-
, prolly never could
-
and never will
-
remember where she
-
Not that it
-
continued the story
-
nevertheless onwards and
-
made it into
-
a dark place
-
where it transpired
-
that darkness was
-
Nick's permanent residence
-
we're talking dark
-
as in unbleached
-
but the loincloth
-
but the loincloth
was stained with
-
gingerbread and cider
-
, brown basil bread
-
delicious tho it
-
would never be
-
totally perfect it
-
said prefect tit
-
evil: evil: evil:
-
for chip butties
-
only with mayo
-
disgusterous mayo which
-
when properly made
-
was still disgusterous
-
or deliciously creamy
-
creamy yet disgusterous
-
garlicky dead goat
-
garlicky dead goat
better than mayonnaise
-
any day of
-
the millennium because
-
fine dining dictates
-
Metro Goldwyn Mayonnaise
-
Malt Disney loaf
-
and other assorted
-
Pathe tic food
-
Ham mer sandwiches?
-
Eal ing pie
-
Pine would if he could................
Know it''s four but see BM's poat earlier today!
-
20th Century slops
-
Para mounted goat
-
in the cinema
-
of forgotten films
-
on Betamax cassettes
-
and video 2000
-
and 8mm SuperEight
-
yet all these
-
were too big
-
a format to
-
fit Barmans cinema
-
which was tiny ::)
-
even by Borrower
-
. Borrower you say?
-
Indeed I do.
-
how so young
-
the Chinese restauranteur
-
Knocked up chow
-
Who hung lo
-
and ping pong
-
popped out of
-
the wok when
-
the fire brigade
-
got out hoses
-
which were too
-
short for showering
-
and so they
-
had a bath
-
in Aphrodite's pool
-
of ass's milk
-
curdling the entire
-
Yakult empire, despite
-
precautionary measures they'd
-
taken by dissolving
-
a box of OMO
-
in nitric acid
-
and pouring it
-
into the chipper
-
which exploded sending
-
deep fried goat
-
covered in suds
-
through the ceiling
-
only to slither
-
, slide and splatter
-
down the walls
-
ice cream van
-
muffling the sound
-
of Nicks voices
-
which had been
-
very persistent today scared2:
-
due to significant
-
lack of adequate
-
tinfoil helmets and
-
voice filtration systems
-
, wire coat hangers
-
and Polonium enema
-
a hazardous process
-
but worth doing
-
clearing the backlog
-
and the frontlog
-
as being volatile
-
when poked and
-
much like the
-
way she walks
-
with her nose
-
in the air
-
and her feet
Go on Snoopy, you can do it
-
on the ground
-
Banghead Banghead Banghead
in the air
-
lol: lol: lol:
Her feet smell
-
Her Nose Runs
-
She's upside down
-
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
-
My dog's got
-
No nose so
-
how does it
-
smell then eh?
-
said Lonnie Donegan
-
"Disgusting" shouted everyone.
-
who saw Barmans
-
festering scabby shins
-
which he picked
-
from an online
-
festering scabby site
-
that was offering
-
Pre-scabbed shins
-
with further discounts
-
on bruised knees
-
and Bruce Lees
-
Jeet Kune Do
-
as well as
-
can be expected
-
under the circumstances
-
given the prevailing
-
poisonous caterpillar invasion
-
in sunny Cyprus
-
by the sea
-
serpent lair, which
-
waiting a sacrifice
-
a virginal goat ?
-
in the absence
-
of which a
-
an old heifer
-
in a bikini
-
should know better
-
than to volunteer
-
to remove it
-
in private like whistle:
-
a Venus DeMilo
-
what no arm eeek:
-
in doing that
-
which comes naturally
-
to lower lifeforms
-
so low in
-
saturated fats that
-
they tasted disgusting
-
but are healthy
-
with added marmite
-
for taste senseless
-
and mossie attractors
-
and dam busters
-
Carling Black Label
-
Tennants Super Lager
-
in paper bag
-
like BMs head
-
a billiard ball
-
was less shiny
-
than a shiny
-
shinny, scabby bruise
-
coupled with bruised
-
plums, pears and
-
other assorted fruit
-
and nut cases
-
which VP attracts
-
like bananas, mushrooms
-
and tasty turnips
-
and Xmas turkeys
-
with roast spuds
-
and Brussels sprouts cloud9:
-
and little sausages
-
in little rolls
-
made with puff
-
the magic dragon
-
lived by sea
-
where a tornado
-
extinguished his flame
-
coughing and spluttering
-
shedding scales like
-
failed weightwatchers members
-
at a free
-
willy boot sale
-
where was found
-
many pre-waved willies
-
small but neat
-
-ly folded inside
-
a black leather
-
shoulder holster which
-
was too small
-
for a Tesco
-
online Nick order
-
which required vast
-
amounts of patience
-
to process completely
-
in one day
-
and pack in
-
smoking as well
-
although the patches
-
on his elbows
-
prevented carpet burns
-
and other poets
-
Coleridge and friends
-
of the Queen
-
finest pen pushers
-
and drug pushers
-
and sundry ne'er-do-wells
-
all related naturally
-
lie Nick and
-
Butch and Sundance
-
at spring solstice
-
cancelled due to
-
wrong kinda spring
-
and leaves on
-
fresh new shoots
-
which weed killer
-
cannot stop growth
-
due to unusually
-
high winds from
-
a wind farm
-
populated by alien
-
with dodgy tummies
-
from eating marmite
-
and drinking Ardbeg
-
falling over themselves
-
and down stairs
-
and off ladders
-
so high that
-
touched the sky
-
and his mind
-
was blown apart
-
unprotected by hair
-
or safety equipment
-
or common sense
-
using his loaf whistle:
-
also half baked
-
but deliciously tasty
-
to all bacteria
-
when I say
-
I say I
-
you say tomato
-
purée is useful
-
instead of grout
-
or gout even
-
-handed ailments excluded
-
from medical insurance
-
including pre-existing conditions
-
or part thereof
-
and sexually transmitted
-
diseases caught from
-
exploding stuck badgers
-
, frogs, toads and
-
puppy dog tails
-
a dash of
-
Worcestershire sauce and
-
some baked beans
-
which had been
-
ordered from Tesco
-
over zealously by
-
an over zealous
-
bloke called Zealous
-
which confused everybody
-
into thinking that
-
normal service would
-
never happen again
-
if it ever
-
was normal before
-
normal being relative
-
when compared to
-
the service here
scared:
-
said the exiled
-
queen of Norway
-
who lived in
-
anywhere but Norway
-
she could afjord
-
drumroll: drumroll:
to rent yachts
-
or buy dinghy's
-
rowlocks from the
-
friendly Norwegian seamen
-
specialising in fish noooo:
-
-net stockings and
-
thongs made from
-
thongs of Norway
-
An Abba-dashery shop
-
oh dear god Banghead
-
cried the assistant
-
mental hospital nurse
-
whistling Grieg's famous
-
March of Trolls
-
the version with
-
99% of all
-
Kazoos in harmony
-
, a hair spray
-
and CS gas
-
which when used
-
in telephone boxes
-
peels the paintwork
-
and melts the
-
chocolate fire guard
-
rendering it of
-
little use to
-
man nor goat
-
good for fondue
-
and sticking marshmallows
-
and pigs, which
-
squeal and squeal
-
when pulling their
-
snouts from troughs
-
,being the dips
-
-y but charming
-
Miss D in
-
an alcoholic stupor
-
which explained the
-
strange goings on
-
in the nuclear
-
fallout bunker, eerily
-
lighted by 10,0000
-
teeny weeny illuminated
-
hollowed out goat
-
with a candle
-
inserted carefully up
-
Barman's new chimbley
-
thus creating an
-
even larger cinema
-
in which he
-
paraded in lycra
-
shorts, a vest
-
vind vas blowing
-
vich made heeeem
-
clutch his bits
-
of remaining dignity
-
when he could
-
reach that high
-
note by pinching
-
his Adam's Apple
-
in a pair of
-
tight flared jeans
-
tall platform shoes
-
and tank top
-
vind vas blowing
lol: lol: lol:
-
and tank top
The turret of
-
the syndrome which
-
Miss Creant suffers
-
heroically with dignity
-
albeit without any
-
means of support
-
financial or otherwise
-
yet somehow she
-
still sometimes managed
-
to take pictures
-
of Brian before
-
the terrible accident
-
with the stiletto
-
and the salt
-
beef which was
-
served cold because
-
the fused electrics
-
and broken gas
-
and broken wind
-
prevented any form
-
of heating , cooking ,
-
or cleaning which
-
after soup, coffee,
-
which were cold
-
scraped from walls
-
ice cream vans
-
which had completed
-
their manic chiming
-
once obliterated by
-
screaming children wanting
-
a good slap
-
with baseball bats
-
, eye of newt
-
and additive free
-
wholesome toad venom
-
rubbed in eyes
-
and over warts
-
and
verookas those things on your feet
-
Blisters, bunions, corns
-
sick2: sick2: sick2:
-
American breakfast cereal
-
grown by farmers
-
on wide open
-
supermarket aisles, full
-
of whole grain
-
dunkin donuts and
-
frozen pizzas which
-
Dr Oetker makes cloud9:
-
not personally though
-
but with dough
-
tomato paste and
-
various tasty toppings
-
including turnips and
-
fried crispy snails
-
and toe nails
-
marinaded in tabasco
-
sauce you pervert
-
the course of
-
justice which previously
-
pardoned enraged murderers evil:
-
off to stocks
-
with them shouted
-
the moderate bear
-
the amazing dancing
-
bear shouted off
-
shouted **** off
-
at 'ill invaders
-
with huge cameras
-
with fisheye lenses
-
distorting the view
-
like the government
-
I expect nothing
-
to be true
-
which coincidentally was
-
the truth it
-
tries to hide
-
their scheming lying
-
noses in the
-
belly button of
-
society which coincidentally
-
contains no fluff
-
Why ever not? rubschin:
-
said the barman
-
, surely all bellybuttons
-
contain the stuff
-
mine certainly doesn't
-
said embarrassed Wenchy
-
yet utterly truthfully
-
as she desperately
-
tried to salvage
-
her cleavage from
-
the gravitational pull
-
of advancing years
-
and bellybutton fluff
-
that is nonexistant
-
in her mind
-
and real life
-
real life being
-
unknown to her
-
virtual life being
-
preferred due to
-
jewels in navel
-
which collected fluff
-
from yellow dusters
-
which Wenchy used
-
when visiting Ikea
-
As replacement underpants
-
were in Lidl's doh:
-
meejums and hooges
-
BOGOF special offer
-
3 4 2
-
end of line
-
train terminates here
-
off you go
-
suit case in
-
T5 still, waiting
-
for Godot who
-
had gone walkabout
-
dazed and confused
-
just like me
-
and everyone here
-
am I here?
-
or there? he
-
hee hee hee
-
hee hee hee
-
bunch of jokers ;D
-
knaves brigands and
-
wise old men whistle:
-
baffled by women
-
who send CVs
-
which are relevant
-
to burger flipping
-
and goat herding
-
, floor mopping and
-
beer mat bending
-
part time naturally
-
as other duties
-
will be required
-
like bog cleaning
-
and glass drying
-
slop tray drinking
-
and bog cleaning
-
stuttered the barman
-
unable to think
-
of nothing but
-
sparkling clean bogs
-
San Izal paper
-
nice soft stuff
-
favoured by puppies
-
and staff of
-
the female variety
-
who like all
-
things fluffy and
-
and soft and
-
very sparkly and
-
pink, a delicate
-
shade of pink
-
as opposed to
-
an indelicate shade
-
lavatory paper purple
-
which hid the
-
unsightly stains on
-
the inside of
-
the bathroom curtains
-
, slightly open, revealing
-
yet more stains
-
than had been
-
bombed by Betjeman
-
Staines or Slough? rubschin:
-
both, ten megatons
-
twenty at least
-
minutes boasted Snoopy
-
, having popped some
-
blood vessels, probably
-
whilst attempting the
-
Alsation next door
-
who'd no teeth
-
but did have
-
a "thing" about
-
attractive looking goats
-
that fainted at
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=we9_CdNPuJg&feature=PlayList&p=9CB711FA17AC66CB&index=0&playnext=1
-
being on camera
-
or chased by
-
randy barmen, flapping
-
a tea towel
-
last cleaned in
-
a hurry, after
-
the floods in
-
-side the toilets
-
due to somebody
-
not cleaning out
-
fag ends from
-
the ladies sinks
-
which were cracked
-
and limescale full
-
of tiny weeny
-
bars of soap
-
from hotels that
-
catered for midgets
-
of MG fame
-
a place where
-
only lonely people
-
of certain height
-
would fit under
-
share a night
-
too much white noooo:
-
red on patio
-
complete with plastic
-
bags over heads
-
turning purple and
-
fighting for breath
-
width and breadth
-
are hardly important
-
on Bank Holidays
-
when we are
-
on the collapso
-
which will inevitably
-
end in stupor redface:
-
or even worse
-
because Easter was
-
a distant memory
-
except chocolate surpluses
-
and extra weight
-
, however chocolate surplices
-
frequently melted when
-
exposed to strong
-
warm water currents
-
caused by excessive
-
pissing in the
-
wind which only
-
makes you wetter
-
than an extremely
-
smelly and wet
-
like dogs noses
-
and sewage plants
-
which grow extremely
-
tall and scented
-
along the margins
-
of the real
-
IRA central command
-
structure which consisted
-
of armed leprichauns
-
holding fishing rods
-
, legged leprichauns and
-
bags of SemtexTM
-
hurridly purchased on
-
line from a
-
certifiable bloke called
-
Mr Dead Cert
-
who was dead
-
in appearance, but
-
also brain dead
-
which qualified him
-
for the premiership
-
league of zombified
-
brainless zombie PMs
-
personal messages being
-
infiltrated by zombies
-
frightening enough one
-
morning in April
-
as the sun
-
still isn't up
-
cos its pizeing
-
and British weather
-
is so wonderful
-
, it's vagaries being
-
obscure medical names
-
usually only found
-
in your guts
-
, a copy of
-
which is available
-
from all good
-
newsagents. First issue
-
only £200.99 complete
-
with free digestive
-
ready to assemble
-
for daily prayers
-
,players, movers and
-
the occasional shaker
-
style kitchen, basic
-
, puritanical, functional and
-
void of character
-
lacking in utensils
-
, big on prayer
-
mats, even bigger
-
around the arse
-
hence sturdy furniture
-
at IKEA is
-
now in Southampton (http://www.ikeasouthamptonstore.co.uk/)
-
where large arses
-
fear to tread
-
now in Southampton (http://www.ikeasouthamptonstore.co.uk/)
Indeed and to my shame I have been there.: redface:
-
fear to tread
on discarded meatballs
-
vortlimpa, and herring
-
the Russian ballerinas
-
built like brick
-
bats, closely akin
-
to baseball bats
-
only more bricky
-
and somewhat heavier
-
than the average
-
sized concrete overcoat
-
Gianmario Roveraro cautioned
-
Gianmario Roveraro cautioned
his biographer to
-
ghost write, as
-
the horse couldn't
-
even with one
-
of his fetlocks
-
turned into glue
-
having inadvertently stepped
-
one step beyond
-
accompanied by Madness
-
of King George
-
with blue pee
-
-ter's Lesley Judd
-
-ter's Lesley Judd
and John Noakes
-
'Get down Shep'
-
get up Valerie
-
the old dyke
-
was leaking badly
-
so a thumb
-
pulled from pie
-
should make it
-
little jack horney
-
in the corney
-
with his salamey
-
in his handy
-
having a wanky
-
into his hanky
-
some hanky panky?
-
sticky back paper
-
empty detergent bottle
-
round nosed scissors
-
wire coat hangers
-
fire proof tinsel
-
and fork handles
-
four candles eh?
-
three french hens
-
with hairy wingpits
-
Julia Roberts and
-
Flymo to merge
-
Sky's breaking news
-
Economy's breaking also
-
eggs breaking because
-
they fry easier
-
and taste better
-
with fried bacon
-
on fried slice cloud9:
-
mushrooms and tomatoes?
-
contain much Polonium
-
whispered Igor quietly
-
peering at Uranus
-
with a squint
-
of light oil
-
in his anus redface:
-
Good grief BM
-
Good grief BM
I'm so sorry redface:
-
I should think
-
so, lavatorial humour
-
is only welcome
-
when there is
-
a toilet present
-
in the middle
-
or far distance
-
of bog land
-
bogtrotters inhabit such
-
we are told
-
but don't listen
-
to Sunrise Radio
-
especially at night
-
when Radio Starlight
-
plays alternative lullaby's
-
to Brahms' distress
-
and Miss Brahm's
-
sadly missed pussy
-
Galore, part time
-
femme fatale and
-
part time bag
-
handler at Heathrow
-
Terminal 5 as
-
modern fashion dictates
-
dayglo under garments
-
should be worn
-
at tea dances
-
by limp wristed
-
waiters who mince
-
beef and pork
-
each other occasionally
-
through the arris
-
in mock Shakepearian
-
prose sounding like
-
Chas and Dave
-
inside an old
-
east end pub
-
much classier than
-
BM's underground
cellar theatre
-
featuring films such
-
Miss D goes
-
to Boot Camp
-
guys up the
-
podgy fat arse
-
100% satisfaction guaranteed
-
said Alistair Darling
-
to Mandy Pandy
-
raising an eyebrow
-
,a black eyebrow
-
and matching heart
-
of black granite
-
formed from magma
-
spewed out from
-
the bowels of
-
Nick's house because
-
venom build up
-
in the rug
-
that he wore
-
out with repetitive
-
out with repetative
-
out damned spot evil:
-
the dog went
-
panting with glee
-
, together they decided
-
the discharge lounge
-
despite it's ambiance
-
and the ambulance
-
parked in the
-
disabled bay where
-
Wayne and Waynetta
-
were going at
-
6 pm precisely
-
because until then
-
'twas too early
-
to cash giros
-
use a bus-pass
-
lick my arse
-
I'd rather not
-
before my dinner
-
or after dinner
-
or during dinner
-
instead of dinner?
-
An enema entrée eeek:
-
for those that
-
like liquid lunches
-
and are not
-
allergic to sh1t
-
or acid enemas
-
eeek: eeek: eeek:
-
redface: redface: redface:
-
Moving swiftly on
-
wearing roller skates
-
is potentially dangerous
-
because dripping acid
-
on your wheels
-
will undoubtedly cause
-
a disasterous effect
-
acid and rubber
-
johnnies producing distinctly
-
dodgy birth controll
-
and smelling rather
-
like burnt rubber
-
when the accountants
-
and their cronies
-
removing the evidence
-
(which was plentiful)
-
before the erasing
-
Tipex is wonderful
-
but the thinners
-
like pigeon shit
-
http://www.birdshitremoval.com/
were difficult to
-
collect up for
-
Christmas tree decorations
-
at this time
-
we must remember
-
what we forgot
-
lest we forget
-
who we are
-
who are we?
-
Matron will know
-
if we ask
-
ask who what?
-
I don't know Shrugs:
-
I know nothing
-
said Nick when
-
trying to remember
-
where he'd put
-
his foot in
-
, not for the
-
fun of it
-
in any way
-
humans would understand
-
but in Nick's
-
normal world all
-
turns to shite
-
no exceptions, no
-
hope of salvation
-
but no desperation
-
without copious perspiration
-
as lashings of
-
finest talcum powder
-
will disguise anything
-
but baby oil
-
is very silky eyes:
-
, making a massage
-
a total pleasure
-
provided no sand
-
grains got into
-
places where pearls
-
of wisdom rarely
-
can be found
-
like this forum
-
not a lot
-
of people know
-
the answer to
-
life's many conundrums
-
or how to
-
plumb a shower
-
or spell conundrum evil:
-
obviously equally important noooo:
-
said equal opportunities
-
feminist lesbian trolls
-
who never shower
-
with man-made soap
-
or anything man-made
-
or shave their
-
bits that normal
-
wimmin keep bare
-
like earlobes, which
-
they never use whistle:
-
except for dangling
-
under-used kitchen gadgets
-
and rolling pins
-
and shiny axes
-
honed to perfection
-
swung with precision
-
aimed in anger
-
at Nick because
-
there was petrol
-
blue skirted girls
-
on his lap
-
and the rug
-
on his head
-
was tugged provactively
-
and Brylcream applied
-
to his lips
-
, a mistake which
-
Nick rather liked eyes:
-
until Mrs. Nick
-
slipped on them
-
and fell in
-
the microwave oven
-
set to defrost
-
a frozen badger
-
but wouldn't fit
-
without major surgery
-
or frightening explosions
-
... so the idea
-
came to Nick
-
to use the
-
knackered diesel car
-
and burn the
-
Catholic church down
-
the road which
-
was paved with
-
slippery slate, roadkill
-
, a large rug
-
good intentions and
-
an absolutely massive
-
partridge in a
-
puff pastry casing
-
which was prepared
-
in Mongolian style
-
with several added
-
yams and jelly
-
trams and jelly
-
deli belly and
-
Entrocalm to go
-
five times daily
-
,any orifice will
-
be equally sore
-
,pain is gain
-
yet gain is
-
painfully slow and
-
in no hurry
-
to pack up
-
and move out
-
to shores far
-
away, like Mexico
-
or perhaps Cyprus
-
whichever is safer scared2:
-
prolly Mexico then
-
said Barman as
-
he dosed himself
-
confusedly with Tamil
-
Tiger balm which
-
lol:
applied up the
-
nostrils gave a huge
-
he broke it point:
-
shame on me redface:
-
a curse on
-
all politicians of
-
all three parties
-
in this septic
-
tank like country
-
,effluent swirling around
-
mixed with hogwash
-
, a liberal amount
-
was applied to
-
the toilet door
-
covering the graffiti
-
that Wenchy had
-
written about Barman
-
and his remarkably
-
handsome good looks
-
which remained hidden
-
behind his mask
-
of self denial
-
of Zorro actually
-
and Zorro wanted
-
his hair back
-
as well as
-
his rapier lengthened
-
by a foot
-
as promised by
-
an e-mail promotion
-
from Costa Rica
-
where coffee is
-
eaten by civets
-
and drunk by
-
coffee lovers who
-
like civet shit
-
which seems unlikely
-
and largely unsubstantiated,
-
given the evidence
-
that no civits
-
apart from Luis
-
and his wives
-
all feline fans
-
could crawl up
-
the trouser leg
-
and nibble on
-
various appendages that
-
normally required lubricant
-
such as the
-
whale grease that
-
Landlady likes to
-
imagine smeared on
-
goats before cooking
-
or swimming experiments
-
, which turn out
-
drowned and cremated
-
, wet but crispy
-
with a chlorine
-
top note, underpinned
-
by a hint
-
and a tint
-
of bright red
-
clowns noses which
-
danced and danced
-
and shot horses
-
didn't they? asked
-
Jane Fonda who
-
is past her
-
sell by date
-
,despite working out
-
, flogging fitness videos
-
, writing naff books
-
and mounting horses
-
not an easy
-
way to write
-
but more fun
-
than nudist leapfrog
-
, the premier event
-
of the summers'
-
catalogue this spring
-
is uncomfortable muttered
-
Zebedee, while Florence
-
was violently sick
-
proving Zivania was
-
a dubious choice
-
and should be
-
avoided like the
-
plague, speaking of
-
which, where's my
-
pork scratching bag
-
under the patio
-
along with 13
-
lucky goat heads
-
four perfectly formed
-
collie birds, three
-
the Renault five redface:
-
Dave Clark Five
-
, five a day
-
advised Alan Johnson
-
to brother Boris
-
the well known
-
presenter of HIGNFY
-
the show which
-
made Ian Hislop
-
even more snivelling
-
wish he'd never
-
touched the levers
-
because the whole
-
of Easyspace support
-
couldn't find their
-
keyboards if they
-
looked up their
-
inner dark spaces
-
you mean arses?
-
you stingy Barman!
-
declared Wenchy in
-
that voice she
-
only used when
-
Nick had tried
-
and tested disgusterous
-
native Scottish delicacies
-
like neeps and
-
fried, battered haggis
-
, a mixture of
-
Irn Bru and
-
sheep's stomach, oats
-
which were sown
-
wildly and often
-
in the fields
-
, ancestors of Gracie
-
, the celebrated Lancastrian
-
bomber queen pilot
-
whale currently floating
-
belly up in
-
the VP pool
-
of unadulterated filth
-
, flotsam and jetsam
-
and large turds
-
several curds from
-
the lemon curd
-
the lime curd
-
always sells better
-
than large turds
-
what's this shite?
-
said Richard the
-
son of Dick
-
as he trudged
-
slowly across the
-
patio, nimbly sidestepping
-
the comatose barman
-
, mumbling something about
-
not being able
-
to inflate the
-
inflatable bed due
-
at eleven o'clock
-
mainly because it
-
was beyond the
-
Duty Free Zone
-
but next to
-
No Man's Land
-
otherwise known as
-
Nick's shared drive
-
shared being a
-
with Tesco juggernauts
-
and dust cart
-
Mrs Nick's car
-
was impaled on
-
the fence, teetering
-
between scrap and
-
oblivion, destitution and
-
Nick. A choice
-
not easily made
-
by the sane
-
, the insane or
-
Alladdin sane or
-
Sadam Whose Sane
-
brother was hanged
-
and rightly so
-
said the press
-
gang who rapidly
-
moved on to
-
646 deserving candidates
-
for the noose
-
made from piano
-
Wire, a BBC2
-
docusoap about great
-
Pee and Nists
-
the Russian jugglers
-
, for whom Eurovision
-
was an opportunity
-
ripe for missing
-
or hitting depending
-
on the angle
-
of the dangle
-
of your dongle
-
or your woggle
-
which should be
-
polished regularly with
-
anti lion powder
-
a yellow duster
-
and some spit
-
roasted goat with
-
Patum Peperium marinade
-
, relished by many
-
persons of refinement
-
but not many
-
lumpen proletariat masses
-
who prefer HP
-
or Chop sauce
-
squirted on their
-
sausage and chips
-
. Meanwhile, in Norway
-
their Eurovision hero
-
has fiddled his
-
expenses, much like
-
Nick during his
-
Scottish world tour
-
embarked upon with
-
tolerance, sobriety and
-
a heavy heart
-
which weighed 7st
-
due to fried
-
Mars bars and
-
chips fried in
-
beef dripping and
-
smeared with lard
-
a la Prescott
-
, whose half timbered
-
gusset groaned under
-
sheer weight of
-
too many pies
-
and desperate secretaries
-
all vying for
-
a humane death
-
, denied to many
-
politicians that should
-
have been lynched
-
many years ago
-
along with bankers
-
and H&S officers
-
sneeeeky barmen who
-
aren't very sneaky evil:
-
but sneeeekily try
-
to buy stuff
-
with monopoly money
-
and credit cards eveilgrin:
-
made from goatskin
-
stretched over a
-
Cypriot virgins knee
-
you are joking
-
they are rare
-
as hens teeth
-
or rocking horse
-
glue factory jobs
-
being in decline
-
or free fall
-
falling freely to
-
fallen womens hostels
-
where bedbugs abound
-
between the sheets
-
along with flakes
-
of dead skin
-
much loved by
-
dead skin lovers
-
who recycled their
-
recently evicerated skin
-
into lamp shades
-
worn by ladies
-
of the night
-
down in Somerset
-
for barn dances
-
with scrumpy and
-
walks on Exmoor
-
, old tin mines
-
, the exmoor beast scared2:
-
the 'eadless 'orseman scared2: scared2:
-
and the Wurzels
-
prefer the Yetis
-
both are abominable
-
, not to mention
-
I won't mention noooo:
-
no, please don't
-
I won't, promise
-
I did once
-
and got arrested?
-
and bound over
-
with a fine
-
pair of ladies
-
high heeled shoes
-
red in colour
-
by Jimmy Chou
-
which were counterfeit
-
Yet so appealing
-
To perverts, transvestites
-
and virtual pub
-
landlords with fetishes
-
of shoes and
-
goats, especially goats
-
doing back stroke
-
despite their huge
-
hairy and floppy
-
yet somehow endearing
-
ears which indicated
-
which way up
-
to hang them
-
(getting them dry
-
from the pool
-
was often a
-
lot colder than
-
a witches tit
-
or even a
-
day so cold
-
as to freeze
-
swimming pools and
-
pools of boiling
-
urine from Growlers
-
crucible like bladder
-
which funnily enough
-
resembled a picture
-
of a mahoosive
-
steaming cauldron, which
-
in reality was
-
an ancient geyser
-
like old faithful?
-
or Marianne Faithful?
-
in black leather cloud9:
-
with Mars Bar
-
a rolling stone
-
gathers no moss
-
Said Kate when
-
in court charged
-
with impersonating a
-
woman with curves
-
which quite clearly
-
were too curvy
-
In a pointy
-
stabby sort of
-
way, she rattled
-
her last gasp.
-
Forever implicating Nick
-
, having no alibi
-
nor grasping reality
-
in deepest Scotland
-
where giant Haggis
-
roam in herds
-
often circling airports
-
clogging the runway
-
and looking for
-
congealed fat lakes
-
or lardy cakes
-
and muffin bellies
-
in Darwins wellies
-
much to his
-
unease and trepidation
-
and total surprise
-
Were filled with
-
exquisitely pedicured feet
-
. Not his tho
-
despite huge feet
-
running in family
-
as do noses
-
cold and wet
-
they smell too
-
of boiled cabbage
-
but not turnips
-
that was yesterday
-
all my troubles. .
-
seemed so near
-
but I believe
-
sang Cher loudly
-
that sand again
-
said the Sphynx
-
tightening his/her sphincter
-
while Snoopy was
-
snapping on gloves
-
ready to search
-
for contraband in
-
those "secret" places eyes:
-
where seasoned smugglers
-
salty and peppery
-
serenade and marinade
-
with copious lashings
-
of ginger beer
-
Five go mad
-
for marmite mmmmmm
-
a disgusterous substance
-
that some like redface:
-
on toast with
-
lots of cheese
-
and baked beans
-
attracting strange diners noooo:
-
to Hotel California
-
, such a lovely
-
day to die
-
your hair green
-
or maybe orange
-
to match your
-
flight attendants uniform
-
which are waterlogged
-
if requested by
-
the Stalinist authorities
-
resplendent in their
-
traffic wardens uniforms
-
upholding the tradition
-
, ancient but well
-
recognised by all
-
for the notorious
-
acts of depravity
-
the likes of
-
Nick and Growler
-
up the aunty
-
and the uncle
-
and the kiber
-
especially the Khyber
-
quoth the pedant
-
and spell checker
-
I showed restraint
-
an unusual event
-
like sober Paddies
-
at the races
-
not betting on
-
dat bledy donkey
-
with huge floppy
-
ears from Weston
-
, Simon Weston who
-
ruined the joke
-
so was flogged
-
on eBay, quickly
-
the highest bidder
-
bidding 5 pence
-
realised that PayPal
-
was not dog
-
-matic enough to
-
deny the transaction
-
which was shady
-
yet overshadowed by
-
even more shady
-
comings and goings
-
of considerable shadiness
-
shadiness which led
-
into darker shades
-
so dark that
-
even a black
-
cat was lighter
-
than a lead
-
weight from the
-
ancient grandfather clock
-
in Darwins study
-
tick, tock, tick
-
s and Vaseline
-
smeared liberally over
-
tics not tocks
-
or even big
-
clocks from Hook's
-
re-known clock collection
-
recently discovered in
-
the belly of
-
a passing crocodile
-
wearing red boots
-
stolen from santa
-
Santa Palmer-Tomkinson?
-
a Christmas socialite
-
her sister Tara
-
wearing a tiara
-
Boom-de-ay
-
a famous vaudeville
-
song from 1890
-
which Snoopy remembered
-
, a silent night
-
a holy night
-
, a gallant knight
-
once a night
-
once a year
-
we celebrate christmas
-
, easter, halloween and
-
my bufday which
-
is over now
-
until my 50th sad24:
-
which will be
-
on June 1st
-
there's a surprise noooo:
-
because last year
-
it was on
-
a different day
-
but lasted seven ::)
-
weeks, far too
-
short to receive
-
lots of shite
-
presents from the
-
goat molesting neighbours
-
who crawled stealthily
-
through BM's bush
-
-y fake hair
-
a fake hare
-
like no other
-
tucked under each
-
side of his
-
woolly bobble hat
-
knitted by Wenchy
-
in her spare
-
bedroom, while watching
-
Big Brother omnibus
-
and other mindless
-
programmes such as....
Anyone doing a Clement Freud will be summarily executed
-
Emmerdale and Corrie
-
but not Eastenders
-
because the plot
-
that doesn't exist
-
is being played
-
over and over
-
in the tiny
-
yet perfectly formed
-
universe that is
-
thrust inside his
-
much maligned trouser
-
snake charming activity
-
at it's best
-
it required magnification
-
at it's worst
-
it required castration
-
with rusty razorblades
-
handled by dwarves
-
holding diminutive bricks
-
with evil intent
-
as Blears demonstrated
-
when promising payback
-
(Rocking the Boat)
-
her favourite badge
-
of dishonour, which
-
was too small
-
even for her
-
teeny, tiny brain
-
to comprehend, nevertheless
-
she was very
-
patient with Gorgon
-
Zolla her favourite
-
yet quite smelly
-
quite being an
-
mahoosive understatement of
-
the hugest proportions
-
when discussing milk-based
-
natural feeding apparatus
-
commonly known as
-
the most popular
-
, the most stupendous
-
all time favourites
-
Not for everyone
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg29.imageshack.us%2Fimg29%2F6849%2F28834757.th.jpg&hash=a8da97c38d20fd6eea98b7161c81c7500361b6b5) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=PqgQ8H0)
-
a red cross?
-
Not for everyone
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi41.tinypic.com%2F2wokor7.jpg&hash=92e08e5af27ac5467fc63ac2a5334ad4ebfff6d2)
Barman gubbed it
-
i give up
-
said Barman when
-
it flopped again
-
when the air
-
pump no longer
-
worked as it
-
should, pumping air
-
where directed and
-
enlarging the mahoosive
-
erection, taking place
-
in Hyde Park
-
to celebrate the
-
history of hovercraft
-
which zoom deafeningly
-
which zoom deafeningly
Zoom, zoom one
-
went, straight into
-
Nicks substantial bollard
-
collection normally secreted
-
in his back
-
garden with cones
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg5.imageshack.us%2Fimg5%2F5622%2F23527562.th.jpg&hash=6215041d334386c5eee4d3c53b2cc6aeb6f13efb) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=Pqpn2FS)
-
shaped like his
-
tiny little proboscis
-
monkey which he
-
kept in his
-
air raid shelter
-
with the bodies
-
of his kidnap
-
plot which failed
-
as TG refused
-
at the first
-
whimpering cries from
-
Nick, her captor
-
who had underestimated
-
the true horror
-
and size of
-
Mrs TG who
-
needed loads of
-
wood to kindle
-
any interest in
-
posting on here
-
or posting on
-
there or even
-
here, there, everywhere
-
that damned Pimpernel
-
, man of mystery fence:
-
small red weed
-
in his bong
-
in his what?
-
in his bong
-
which is what?
-
One of these
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg132.imageshack.us%2Fimg132%2F1410%2F33032094.th.jpg&hash=42325a18e0ab8c4ec5386e97b4acdb29a744a651) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=PquUliA)
-
for smoking dope
-
Like this lady
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg5.imageshack.us%2Fimg5%2F3342%2F26104409.jpg&hash=c44ef4c9ada4941c7b8fd8ae7eb29403edb53483) (http://www.postimage.org/)
-
that is no
-
bad habit said
-
Tommy Cooper during
-
the nun dancing
-
competition which he
-
judged for the
-
Papal commission on
-
Nun Bonging and
-
Cardinal step polishing
-
wimple squeezing and
-
helmet polishing with
-
yellow dusters, Duraglit
-
and some spit
-
, not the dog,
-
with Bob Carolgees
-
, rather a mouthful
-
it is alleged
-
,in some circles
-
like crop, magic
-
and cinema upstairs
-
, maids aplenty downstairs
-
wearing black holdups eyes:
-
brandishing white straightjackets
-
for those who
-
wear plastic buckets
-
yellow marigold gloves
-
and cowboy boots
-
without good reason
-
or any reason
-
not connected with
-
reality, however on
-
Planet Barman almost
-
nothing is connected
-
when I say
-
connected I mean
-
held together by
-
sellotape and solder
-
, superglue and prayers
-
Not just any
-
ordinary prayers, but
-
S and M
-
, front to back
-
inside out and
-
upside down, however
-
much jiggling Barman
-
did, he couldn't
-
get free of
-
the grasping tentacles
-
of phylum Ctenophora
-
trying to comb
-
its tendrils, which
-
were full to
-
bursting with conditioner
-
a hair product,
-
which seemed pointless
-
but worth it
-
, given the circumstances
-
of the transformation
-
to slaphead from
-
cousin It, a
-
dramatic, nay gargantuan
-
freak, of stupendous
-
intelligence, poise and
-
a good posture
-
coupled with delusions
-
from eating magic
-
lantern slides showing
-
graphic sexual images
-
explicit in content
-
yet somehow appealing
-
in a perverted
-
way that pleased
-
lovers of strange
-
goings on in
-
dingy pub basements
-
where manacles dangle
-
among other things
-
that once dangled
-
beguilingly in-front of
-
the myopic beagle
-
who's understanding of
-
anything is nonexistent
-
according to thw
-
who's brilliant mind
-
was intently focussed
-
unlike her pictures
-
which were rather
-
bizarre, verging on
-
the obscene and
-
really quite valuable
-
to Snoopy who
-
sold the rights
-
to a pornographer
-
who had a
-
specialist interest in
-
anything involving dogs
-
doggy, dogging and
-
generally panting furiously
-
and salivating over
-
and over again
-
until his sala
-
manda got caught
-
right inside his
-
muzzle, he shouldn't
-
be surprised, considering
-
the flea treatment
-
administered by the
-
vet along with
-
his pet passport
-
and worming tablets
-
, his diamanté collar
-
,ticket to Cyprus
-
, bejewelled RayBans and
-
Joe Cool Sweater
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.huskertube.com%2Fpictures%2Fog850bv7vxmi3enyin6txe4x6v5e2nrhrrbgswcekomdtyzzauhxyajtvexmret6vtbcgdejoecool.jpg&hash=034015c2bbc3d3aea2e17a931b2144a26a81c393)
-
but no trousers
-
to aid ventilation
-
after his sprouts
-
brewed a concoction
-
based on Methane
-
tainted with a
-
soupçon de brassica
-
, brassiere and brasier
-
,brasier and methane = Explode:
-
resulting in evacuation
-
and sudden involuntary
-
spasms, the likes
-
of which had
-
rarely been witnessed
-
, certainly not in
-
the polite circles
-
in the crops
-
diligently planted by
-
diligent crop planters
-
like Sven's erections
-
always falling over
-
at the merest
-
hint of wind
-
or offers of
-
wine, cake and
-
a guiding hand
-
, slick and moist
-
, placed sensuously on
-
his large throbbing
-
power tool , used
-
to ream out
-
the well worn
-
yet enduringly sturdy
-
post fixings which
-
he carefully erected
-
and then left
-
his hunky clothing
-
strewn on the
-
perfectly manicured lawn
-
with gay abandon,
-
all hope ye
-
s, all hope
-
I said all
-
is well
-
but not three
-
words. I forgot redface:
-
difficult game this
-
when you are
-
when you are
as stupid as whistle:
-
Nick or even
-
Nick or even
his parents who
-
let him out
-
of the womb
-
of the womb
oh woe is
-
all that meet
-
all that meet
Nick at the
-
edge of reality
-
edge of reality
where you are ....
-
closer to the
-
closer to the
barman who is
-
not of this
-
limited ability set
-
but a lower
-
in the pecking
-
and the packing
-
of pickled peppers
-
which Peter Piper
-
nicked. Thieving sod
-
was an MP
-
, a red cap
-
with white stick
-
and Blunkett's dog
-
who dreamed intensely
-
of chasing rabbits
-
but not cows scared2:
-
noooo: no cows, only
-
trample ramblers and
-
flora and fauna
-
margarine and butter
-
fields and buttercups
-
Bad day Pirate?
-
buttercup under chin?
-
Ah I see
-
Y R U
-
Y R U
O U R A 1
-
Darwin broke it ::)
-
Darwin broke it ::)
redface:
I went to a 'tasting' last night. My head is not in full working order yet.
-
it's fixed now
-
my head isn't
-
There, there, dear. happy100
-
Paracetemol for one ?
-
thanks very much
-
hair of dog?
-
flange and friction whistle:
He went to a 'tasting' last night, don't you know. angel1
-
flange you say rubschin:
-
indeed I do
-
hair of dog?
You missed one there Darwin :
Are you buying ?
You must be under the weather !!
-
better now thanks ;)
-
the flange worked?
-
don't they always?
-
Only if fitted
-
the right way
-
and adjusted carefully
-
by a qualified
-
flange fitter operative
-
wiv an o-level
-
in aural French
-
received from a
-
talking French teacher
-
who could also
-
teach the boys
-
rather clever tricks
-
with pingpong balls
-
, tassels and fans
-
of Bristol City
-
challenged by the
-
anti slavery brigade
-
blocking the entrance
-
with Sven's enormous
-
van parked adjacent
-
the rear entrance
-
, which was decoratively
-
coloured with brown
-
Darling and Balls
-
hanging from the
-
rafters of Westminster
-
while being pelted
-
with fried ferret dung
yes I know it's four but I couldn't resist redface:
-
She broke it.
-
Praise the Lord
-
said Snoopy when
-
he found out
-
while cleaning his
-
kennel with Ajax
-
without any Marigolds
-
on his paws
-
Landlady had confiscated
-
his rubber toys
-
and his bone
-
which she slipped
-
on and broke
-
into many pieces
-
which all the
-
kings horses and
-
the queen's riders
-
and mahoosive spiders
-
with hairy legs
-
and poisonous fangs
-
for the memories whistle:
-
and the mammaries
-
and the paparies
-
thread is closed! lol: lol: lol:
-
Is it now?
-
Is what now ?
-
You missed 'it' noooo:
-
I missed what ?
-
It (daft mare)
-
Thank you Darwin. lol:
-
you are welcome. ;)
-
Well, thank you
-
. Moving swiftly on
-
to a new
-
348 page epic
-
of mindless drivel
-
boring in the
-
rafters like woodworm
-
on heat, a
-
long forgotten condition surrender:
-
much talked about
-
in these circles
-
and those circles
-
not crop circles
-
nor theater circles
-
or medical circles
-
rather, circles formed
-
by stepping carefully
-
from one circle
-
to another, in
-
a classic, Tyrolean
-
silly hat, calf
-
at one's side
-
one is side?
-
prolly not but...
-
the apostrophe police
-
get's its' man
-
happ096 like a mountie
-
resplendent in a
-
shiny new uniform
-
a silly hat
-
preposterous jodphurs and
-
new leather crop
-
-ped lederhosen, decorated
-
for daring deeds
-
being daring dudes
-
to a man
-
,well, nearly all
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg193.imageshack.us%2Fimg193%2F5636%2F43383584.th.jpg&hash=93c7093b9628392386e8470b2f20507dc595e883) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=gx1uYMiJ)
-
an exception to
-
the rule of
-
thumb, this being
-
opposed, which only
-
facilitated chopper holding
-
(when I say
-
'holding' of course
-
I really mean
-
gripping, very tightly
-
knuckles whitening as
-
the red mist
-
starring Sean Connery
-
as an old
-
but surprisingly rugged
-
old person, zimmer
-
frame gripped tightly
-
by arthritic hands
-
which were surprisingly
-
sheathed in latex
-
for your comfort
-
and your protection
-
not just any
-
protection, but real
-
honest to goodness
-
Em and Es
-
Chicago underworld protection
-
which uniquely comes
-
on the Tube
-
and the radio
-
, a crystal set
-
, a pearl necklace
-
eeek: How rude
matching earrings and
-
Wash your mind
-
redface: It's all that humping in another thread.
-
You broke it Banghead
-
one track mind noooo:
-
No I haven't whistle:
-
of course not
char048
-
we digress I
-
think I am
-
therefore, I know
-
the secret of
-
an elixir, capable
-
restoring BMs hair
-
so strong was
-
the potion, even
-
paint stripping was
-
within its capabilities
-
but not underlay evil:
-
which was just
-
beneath the surface
-
covered in squid
-
the likes of
-
which the world
-
had never been
-
caught, despite being
-
slow and inky
-
in a squidy
-
kind of way
-
with added aerobatics
-
and antibiotics which
-
the STD needed
-
to breed with
-
-out using condoms
-
although many have
-
tried, many have
-
really, really tried
-
and failed miserably
-
despite really trying
-
in a tired
-
yet somehow enthusiastic
-
performance, the highlight
-
hot chocolate helped
-
to relax both
-
the lax muscles
-
the ex-lax muscles
-
the pre-lax muscles
-
the gravadlax, mussels
-
the Trapezius muscles
-
discovered by monks
-
with tonsured hair
-
and dirty habits
-
dirty in the
-
front and in
-
most certainly dirty
-
round the tassel
-
where grime collected
-
despite daily scrubbing
-
by old scrubber
-
by name of
-
Molly 'dogbreath' Girtlerumple
-
Molly 'give Wenchy money' Girtlerumple
Exactly which part of 3 word story is unclear to you my dear?
You should have hyphenated
-
Molly give-Wenchy-money Girtlerumple
the most exciting
-
and frequently serviced
-
Molly 'give Wenchy money' Girtlerumple
Exactly which part of 3 word story is unclear to you my dear?
You should have hyphenated
Alas, I have been tampered with DS, I know not who did the tampering, but I wrote Molly '********' *Girtlerumple, which falls well within the remit of this thread. This defense of my poor self however does not, thus I throw myself upon your mercy.#
I demand a full and frank inquiry, root and branch reform and the unveiling of this heinous offender who has so cruelly wronged me. sad24:
* I wrote one word that denotes a dog with halitosis. The computer says 'no' noooo:
Oh and I demand transparency...to be pronounced 'trenspereny'
-
Molly 'give Wenchy money' Girtlerumple
Exactly which part of 3 word story is unclear to you my dear?
You should have hyphenated
Alas, I have been tampered with DS, I know not who did the tampering, but I wrote Molly '********' Girtlerumple, which falls well within the remit of this thread. This defense of my poor self however does not, thus I throw myself upon your mercy.#
I demand a full and frank inquiry, root and branch reform and the unveiling of this heinous offender who has so cruelly wronged me. sad24:
Oh and I demand transparency...to be pronounced 'trenspereny'
rubschin: There are strange portents afoot this day.
I see some malevolent spirit has also stolen your "C" from "trensperency"
-
Molly 'give Wenchy money' Girtlerumple
Exactly which part of 3 word story is unclear to you my dear?
You should have hyphenated
Alas, I have been tampered with DS, I know not who did the tampering, but I wrote Molly '********' Girtlerumple, which falls well within the remit of this thread. This defense of my poor self however does not, thus I throw myself upon your mercy.#
I demand a full and frank inquiry, root and branch reform and the unveiling of this heinous offender who has so cruelly wronged me. sad24:
Oh and I demand transparency...to be pronounced 'trenspereny'
rubschin: There are strange portents afoot this day.
I see some malevolent spirit has also stolen your "C" from "trensperency"
Lock all the doors, & call the police.
-
call the police
-
Back on topic
-
that's the idea
-
go for it
-
where is it?
-
You've lost it?
-
you had it
-
no you had
-
quite so Barmisspah
-
why thank you redface:
-
pair of witches evil:
-
sandwiches which were
-
only part filled
-
but that part
-
was quite tasty
-
if partial to
-
that very fishy
-
concoction known as
-
a cure for
-
baldness piles and
-
other Barman afflictions
-
caused by close
-
contact with goats
-
cheese and mik
-
wot is mik?
-
who is Mick?
-
, Mik the Irish
-
to be taken
-
in small doses
-
with liberal amounts
-
of single Malt
-
and wire brush
-
fashioned from a
-
Brillo pad and
-
sticky backed plastic
-
two plastic straws
-
a wire coathanger
-
and a cane
-
used to spank
-
miscreants who insisted
-
they had paid
-
, however closer inspection
-
revealed a scab
-
on the shin
-
on being spanked
-
by a mademoiselle
-
with remarkably hairy
-
top lip which
-
matched her armpits
-
yet not her
-
handbag which had
-
crocodile teeth and
-
crocodile tears from
-
fears in concert
-
of such magnitude
-
wot is mik?
you is pedant
-
Oh yus, (nods)
-
sagely, and rubs
-
himself against your
-
no but yeah
-
butt yeah but
-
butt rubbing behavior
-
is Snoopys speciality
-
, years of practice
-
to achieve perfection
-
when I say
-
years I mean
-
years, anything else
-
would be unforgivable
-
inexcusable even, given
-
his advanced years
-
when I say
-
I like fishing
-
what I mean
-
generally lacks meaning
-
and necessary punctuation
-
, correct linguistic structure
-
orfule spellings two
-
a great deal
-
today at DFS
-
crap sofas being
-
hard to shift
-
due to their
-
weight and hardness
-
, high tensile prings
-
prongs and prangs
-
misplaced s's and
-
uncle tom cobley
-
aunty Janet Cobley
-
whacky115 and all
("For I want for to go to Widecombe Fair, With Bill Brewer, Jan Stewer, Peter Gurney, Peter Davy, Dan'l Whiddon, Harry Hawke, Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all.")
-
He broke it! point:
-
We start again
-
Oh, must we?
-
Yes, we must.
-
That's a bugger Banghead
-
such is life ::)
-
extremely frustrating at
-
your old age
-
my old age? cussing:
-
my old age? cussing:
your old age! lol:
-
harrump, especially when
-
Barman's youthful looks
-
HA HA HA
-
screamingly funny remark
-
but also true
-
in your dreams ?
-
the truth hurts
-
barbed comments are
-
almost always unwelcome
-
but immensely satisfying
-
when delivered with
-
strangely embarrassing undertones
-
of sarcasm and
-
cheese sandwiches with
-
Branston pickle spread
-
on shining heads
-
of state at
-
supermarket openings of
-
slug sports outlets
-
Sports slug inlets
-
sporting slug doublets
-
or hose even
-
hoses being fashionable
-
among posh slugs
-
whose lah-de-dah ways
-
embarrassed local snails
-
who's manners left
-
right and centre
-
were appalling in
-
the extreme during
-
the pastry course
-
held in Surry
-
with fresh slurry
-
with a fringe
-
theatre group, comprising
-
hairy white caterpillars
-
balding barmen wearing
-
hairy white caterpillars
-
a fashion statement,
-
based on the
-
Natterjack toad act
-
a despicable act
-
seen by many
-
snails and slugs
-
as an abomination
-
a veritable anathema
-
a most unlikely
-
orthodox orthopod reaction
-
to high fashion
-
,low fashion not
-
completely excluded from
-
by or with
-
or part thereof
-
thereby causing consternation
-
and sociological unrest
-
with scatalogical references
-
what the flip
-
studying faeces had
-
on Nicks
psychy reasoning
-
'cos it's crap!
-
my thoughts exactly
-
crap filled head?
-
a yatching expression
-
Oh ~ Hello Sailor eyes:
-
or bonjour matelot
-
maletots on yatchs
-
Malapropisms on board
-
a naughtycal theme
-
yeth, tho thaucy
-
wich in wit,
-
was greatly lacking redface:
-
on some days
-
most days methinks
-
others me don't
-
especially if precipitation
-
is expected shortly
-
, Shortly Boggins was
-
high on adrenaline
-
low in stature
-
deep in debt
-
but halfway to
-
paradise, Billy Fury's
-
chart topping hit
-
reaching number three
-
(thank you Google)
-
in 1961, a
-
year best forgotten evil:
-
by some but
-
not by billy
-
Billy Blue Hat?
-
, the poisonous mushroom
-
found in Darwins
-
filthy underpants which
-
were seen hanging
-
from the nearest
-
turnip plant, situated
-
underneath his huge
-
yet sadly underused
-
Dutch barn, not
-
his Dutch cap
-
which was too
-
wet and flexible
-
for plugging dykes
-
Dick Van or
-
even digestive Transit
-
or Ford Transit
-
not very Popular
-
not very Popular
and other vintage
-
models, such as
-
Frog Eyed Sprites
-
and Vivian Neves
-
and Razzle readers
-
who's featured wives
-
often wear little
-
despite the bump
-
, crease and staples
-
through most intimate
-
nooks and cranies
-
, bums and fannies
-
lowering the tone
-
yet again, you'd
-
think he'd learn
-
indeed you would
-
but he won't
-
his tiny brain
-
just can't cope
-
and so, as
-
we say goodbye
-
to higher standards
-
yet again, thanks
-
to the barman
-
for being predictable
-
in his constant
-
someone to rely
-
on, he isn't
-
nor is he
-
Compos mentis at
-
any time of
-
the day or
-
night yet always
-
seems to cock
-
a snoop, perverted
-
DON'T INVOLVE ME!
-
said Snoops fearing
-
for his reputation
Oh! redface:
-
but knowing in
-
reality that it
-
was shot anyway confused:
-
along with his
-
grip on reality
-
and ability to
-
accept old age
-
calmly, with dignity
-
and dreadful incontinence
-
, usually alleviated by
-
tying a knot
-
in his hankie
-
, a red spotted
-
snot covered one
-
the cleanest nonetheless
-
for Black Tie
-
events such as
-
The Slug Slayers
-
SlugPoon? launch ceremonies
-
, a redcarpet event
-
if ever there
-
was one, held
-
which of course
-
had to be
-
approved by SlugPoon?
-
, sponsored by SlugPoon.com
-
, organised by slugpoon.eu
-
, promoted by SlugPoon.org
-
, promoted by SlugPoon.org
eeek:
profits to slugpoon.com.cy whistle:
-
, promoted by SlugPoon.org
eeek:
profits to slugpoon.com.cy whistle:
syphoned off by SlugPoon.com.ru whistle: and diverted to SlugPoon.tv (a little sideline of mine eveilgrin:)
ooops, bugger, that broke the 3 word rule redface:
-
, promoted by SlugPoon.org
eeek:
profits to slugpoon.com.cy whistle:
syphoned off by SlugPoon.com.ru whistle: and diverted to SlugPoon.tv (a little sideline of mine eveilgrin:)
happy001
You broke the three word story anyway.... point:
-
Anyhoo, shite always....
-
happens to Pastis
-
just when he
-
thinks it won't
-
repeat the disastrous
-
but predictable events
-
that take place
-
wherever slugs gather
-
to celebrate their
-
narrow escape from
-
from the SlugPoon?
-
so inexpertly wielded
-
by Miss Creant
-
evil: , the most beautiful
-
cocktail stick fettler
-
this side of
-
Bognor, which was
-
not saying much
-
as Bognor is
-
aptly named, being
-
a repositry for
-
the confused elderly
-
with incontinence problems
-
, and Kings with
-
green urine which
-
glows in the
-
darkened vestry of
-
Bognor's finest church
-
-going pervert who
-
likes sniffing the
-
vestments, thuribles and
-
communion wine, whilst
-
dipping his wick
-
whipping his dick,
redface:
-
then wiping his
-
hands on the
-
famous Bognor tapestry
-
painstakingly stitched by
-
rare Bognor virgins
-
one of whom
-
caught swine flu
-
whilst cavorting with
-
a filthy swine
-
who's grossness can
-
not easily be
-
described or forgiven
-
,rather remembered in
-
frequently recurring nightmares
-
caused by eating
-
too much cheese
-
before bed time
-
,eating cheese after
-
visiting Bognor is
-
an unimaginable horror
-
causing many flashbacks
-
gory, bloody and
-
covered in slimy
-
slug juice, extracted
-
by connoisseurs of
-
which there are
-
very few in
-
Southern England yet
-
amongst northern monkies
-
oft mistaken for
-
a fishing club
-
of monstrous proportions
-
about this long
-
not that long?
-
honest, two foot
-
Oh, that short
-
one, with fat
-
serious adipose tissue
-
composed of adipocytes
-
lipids, mobilizing secretions.
-
and oozing puss
-
yellow, stinking puss
-
whose puss? Miaow
-
Mrs. Slocombe's pussy
-
It would be
-
stroked petted and
-
let's not eh? sick2:
-
wimpy dogs backed
-
into a corner
-
cowering and whimpering
-
tail between his
-
quivering legs, howling
-
at the moon
-
on a regular
-
basis, despite being
-
kicked up the
-
backside with a
-
painted wooden clog
-
created by Barmisspah's
-
over active imagination
-
which has caused
-
many a spillage
-
onto the keyboard
-
only to be
-
vehemently denied by
-
the miscreants who
-
were absconding with
-
a whip and
-
a silver box
-
of nits and
-
and greasy locks
-
,curly black locks
-
, lovingly snipped from
-
the back of
-
Snoopy's bottom, he
-
yelped when last
-
snipped, so no
-
Oy! Enough already evil:
-
the Jewish dog
-
I am NOT
-
Mrs Snoopy IS!
-
he shouted following
-
a quick check
-
in the trousers
-
that he was
-
chewing holes in
-
they weren't his
-
but he ate
-
even Nicks pantaloons
-
whilst Nick was
-
bending over the
-
canister of white
-
distemper that he
-
had ordered from
-
the exploding paint
-
warehouse, a place
-
affiliated to Tesco
-
aligned with Waitrose
-
owned by TNT
-
,a global portal
-
for the Matrix eveilgrin:
-
and the Patrix
-
and the Dominatrix
-
with fishnet stockings
-
a bullhide whip
-
,a rather cute
-
and neatly trimmed
-
stairway to heaven
-
bordered by various
-
flying ducks and
-
mildewy, faded anaglypta
-
Anna-Glypta, was renouned
-
to renowned because
-
I feel pedantic
-
redface:You look pedantic.
-
Oh, he is
-
Isn't he just
-
can't help it redface:
-
we know that
-
the story continues
-
must it...really?
-
can't stop now
-
we have come
-
together in our
-
hour of need
-
said Winston Churchill
-
, pulling a Cuban
-
immigrant from the
-
stormy sea, which
-
, without his cigar,
-
proved very difficult
-
, difficult to prove
-
unprovable in fact
-
but not fiction
-
pulped or juiced
-
like my oranges
-
which are naval
-
not Jaffa's no
-
just like sailors'
-
jolly Jack Tars
-
Les marins gais
-
and gay hussars
-
, rowdy hurrahs and
-
garlic laden outbursts
-
from every orifice
-
which is to
-
be deplored, especially
-
when the month
-
of sundaes has
-
banana splits, Mississippi
-
mud pies and
-
stars in their
-
hair and teeth
-
the dislodging of
-
negative entity attachments
-
discombobulated by a
-
rash of intergalactic
-
pockmarked Beastie Boys
-
with very oversized
-
badges of honour
-
that shone brightly
-
for a brief
-
moment then faded
-
to a dull
-
brownish tint, vanishing
-
into burnt umber
-
a clay containing
-
copper nitrate with
-
minute traces of
-
garlic and herbs
-
Alpert and his
-
Dago brass ensemble
-
Playing in Wales
-
and dolphins alike
-
making a distinctive
-
, haunting, yet somehow
-
extremely irritating, groaning
-
under the weight
-
of immense wimmin
-
with very hairy
-
legs, armpits and
-
a straggly bush
-
much feted, foetid
-
and even fettered
-
uneven fettered at
-
not making sense
-
did we ever?
-
I never have noooo:
-
, never have wot? eeek:
-
make much sense
-
. Ah, I see
-
is it lunchtime?
-
I think so
I have been
away for three
days, these were
enjoyable to say
the least, however
I am now
back and am
in need of
clarification to say
the least but
-
Shrugs: whacky115 whacky115
-
the least butt?
-
contains some water
-
according to Confucius
-
the social philosopher
-
nay social disease
-
of such magnitude
-
that nobody could
-
sort the nuts
-
from the fruit
-
trees, and plants
-
, heavy plants crossing
-
with light plants
-
following on behind
-
in a rather
-
nervous and hesitant
-
yet somehow sensual
-
and hopefully consensual
-
gargantuan shimmy, sexy
-
do not describe
-
the sensuous feeling
-
of calloused skin
-
as it's shaved
-
stalk and lumpy
-
the missing dwarfs
-
diminutive in stature
-
but not in
-
hat size, their
-
heads being larger
-
than one would
-
assume, looking at
-
them from above
-
as you would
-
unless of course
-
you didn't, then
-
looking askance might
-
not notice how
-
Lumpy was taking
-
Stalk to task
-
over his unpleasant
-
body odour, caused
-
by rotting goat
-
-flavoured Pringles, which
-
once you popped
-
your clogs, seemed
-
slightly pointless, but
-
Dutch ones mostly
-
taste of tulips
-
in madras sauce
-
with hamster jam
-
and rabbits blood
-
which all witches
-
and sorcerers believed
-
could turn tulips
-
into a tiptoeing
-
hippy rug muncher
-
like Tiny Tim
-
only more camp
-
, which is doubtful
-
, ambiguous and uncertain
-
in a woolly
-
but not sheepish
-
coat of many
-
colours, clashing as
-
percussion instruments usually
-
do but today
-
a dull thud
-
the dullest thuddiest
-
thud that ever
-
came behind second
-
-hand Roses enormous
-
display of roses
-
sweet scented but
-
swarming with greenfly
-
which the ladybirds
-
ate with relish
-
mayonnaise or ketchup?
-
said not unexpectedly
-
given the circumstances
-
in a pickle
-
jar, screw topped
-
with clear bottom
-
and manufacturer's label
-
, sell by dated
-
to conform with
-
European Regulations which
-
are hopelessly outdated
-
nay, hopelssly devoted
-
to angering the
-
wasps in Scallypool
-
without doubt a
-
very foolish activity
-
that can result
-
in all manner
-
of nasty injuries
-
and amusing tales
-
of derringdo and
-
Chaplinesque slapstick routines
-
all done in
-
black and white
-
with jerky movements
-
with tinkly music
-
, ticking sprocket holes,
-
and metronomes, in
-
perfect time with
-
the garden gnomes
-
, jaunty little fellows
-
with fishing rods
-
and rosey cheeks
-
silly hats, green
-
trousers and red
-
bottoms, commando being
-
their favourite movie
-
when not watching
-
their fluffy navels
-
(fluff covered oranges)
-
mandarins from China
-
jaffas from Israel
-
satsumas from Satsumatra?
-
aka kama sutra
-
in certain circles
-
positioning was everything
-
to avoid unwanted
-
hernias, sprains and
-
other garden plants
-
tied to canes
-
5' in length
-
using binder twine
-
and garden wire
-
with slug pellets
-
on wooden pallets
-
bedded in sand
-
, ball by ball
-
wrinkled and tiny
-
seeds that sprout
-
into shockingly vast
-
turnips, manured to
-
perfection by heroes
-
melting into soggy
-
but chocolatey puddles
-
extremely sweet but
-
bad for teeth
-
if they're yours
-
,if stolen from
-
the geriatric ward
-
dirty and stained
-
like the teeth
-
of a rabid
-
yet rather forgetful
-
uuuum, I forgot
-
, who am I?
-
I am Napoleon ;D
-
I am Spartacus!
-
I'm Jack Sparrow
-
I am barking!
-
I am straightjacketed.
-
I'm into bondage eyes:
-
see me later eyes:
-
noooo: He's tied up
-
leather or lace?
-
Personal preferences considered
-
then dismissed because
-
neither were suitable
-
as chafed hounds
-
cannot perform properly
-
the red, raw
-
chafing, complaints and
-
chuffing calluses which
-
on my hands
-
knees, elbows and
-
other favourite parts
-
not to mention
-
I won't then eveilgrin:
-
best not to
-
if you value
-
your remaining dignity
-
and family jewels
-
AKA the CIA
-
Ooh err missus
-
Arse in Art
-
hole in head
-
a fish disease
-
from toilet seats
-
made of wood
-
polished by years
-
of sedentary occupation
-
by assorted bums
-
, tramps and thieves
-
courtesy of Cher eyes:
-
no gypsies tho rubschin:
-
or any trouble
-
or papa woulda
-
killed him if
-
he knew what
-
day it was
-
the day before
-
the day after
-
today, tomorrow will
-
not be yesterday ::)
-
but an undefined
-
passage of time
-
parsley, sage and
-
stuffing, consisting of
-
force meat and
-
eggs, breadcrumbs pepper
-
fishfingers and ketchup
-
a noxious concoction
-
like so many
-
VP recipes, each
-
one less plausible
-
than the last,
-
resulting in a
-
plague of dispepsia
-
and dubious bowel
-
irregularities and even
-
milk of magnesia
-
made things worse
-
, but how could
-
a camel fit
-
its' hump into
-
a Moulinex blender
-
on full power
-
without getting tetchy
-
unless, of course
-
it was Ramadan
-
a ding dong
-
or other musical
-
cover by Darts
-
among other groups
-
of lower primates
-
who profess to
-
ape higher primates
-
but fail because
-
they are lower
-
than the highest
-
but higher than
-
the lowest, although
-
about average would
-
explain the confusion
-
NOT very well
-
, but adequately to
-
, but adequately to
a very stupid
-
question, asked by
-
yet another ape
-
along with monkeys
-
but NO parrots
-
even live ones
-
nor uneven ones
-
moulting haphazardly and
-
spilling their seed
-
, Millet brothers finest
-
red lumberjack shirts
-
and high heels
-
for ?19.99 BARGAIN
-
including VAT and
-
special services, which ...
-
normally cost more
-
,but on this
-
occasion, what with
-
Gordon Brown being
-
a secret transvestite
-
That's blown it
-
up nicely, said
-
Nick, surveying the
-
charred remains of
-
the inflatable replica
-
cross-dressing goat, favorite
-
with the expat
-
community and locals
-
anesthetic, which helped
-
assuage the severe
-
and persistent swelling
-
found in nether
-
Wallop in Hampshire
-
wrote Jilly Cooper
-
, whilst posting anonymously
-
in Gay News
-
or The |Times
-
not the Grauniad
-
nor the Telegraph
-
which persisted in
-
publishing MPs expenses
-
even though they
-
had been published
-
in the Telegraph
-
which meant they
-
had been fiddled
-
, tiddled twinkled or
-
otherwise nodded through
-
after rigorous scrutiny happy001
-
of their skill
-
which was nonexistant
-
but tax deductable
-
in a delectable
-
cuddlesome sort of
-
fashion despite the
-
foul odour emanating
-
from Westminster passages
-
both back and
-
front benches united
-
in telling porkies
-
regarding their expenses
-
thinking we would
-
doubt their honesty
-
or their integrity
-
or their word
-
perish the thought
-
,the knicker elastic
-
and all rubber
-
muff diving suit
-
complete with snorkle
-
, a ragged bush
-
which obscured the
-
wonderful view of
-
the buried treasure
-
, buried just after
-
digging the hole
-
spade and JCB
-
Paddy or Spade?
-
Paddy or Spade?
How very naughty.
-
"Is this broken?"
-
don't annoy her scared2:
-
She'll throw a
-
purple hissy fit
-
when she's sober
-
my besht friends...
-
and when not?
-
when not what?
-
sober, I think confused:
-
Ahh N/A then
-
meaning narcotics anonymous
-
Not 'Arf probably
-
said Fluff Freeman
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.postimage.org%2Fgx1JlM6i.jpg&hash=6396d1c6e778c5950fe9fdf1cf759d3af18da39b) (http://www.postimage.org/)
-
the sadly missed
-
gay Australian DJ
-
pop picker of
-
popular pop tunes
-
by pop groups
-
and pop tarts
-
like Marianne Faithful eyes:
-
past her prime
-
now, not then
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.postimage.org%2Fgx1UznqS.jpg&hash=a2a91d04c606402d3869e251ad2016b905d104ba) (http://www.postimage.org/)
-
when Freeman was
-
a free man
-
not a number
-
in The Village
-
people or YMCA
-
in the navy
-
lark with Leslie
-
Phillips and Jon
-
Pertwee, Dennis Price
-
still heard on
-
Price is right
-
though not correct
-
politically, that is
-
in enlightened time
-
darkened only by
-
lack of light
-
and the evil
-
stench of foul
-
goats and corrupt
-
apocalyptic herdsmen of
-
some meshuggeneh imagination
-
from the underworld
-
powered by Orpheus
-
in his underpants
-
over his trousers
-
under his chin
-
, chinny chin chin
-
Oriental take away
-
service, delivered locally
-
in a rickshaw
-
rickety and wobbly
-
like my legs
-
one wooden, one
-
hollow but hinged
-
like my head
-
, turnip shaped, with
-
a hingey thing
-
which facilitated lifting
-
shifting and shuffling
-
which were vital
-
to survival in
-
these unhinged times
-
WD40 helped not
-
but loosened nuts
-
, not cured them
-
unlike kippers, which
-
oiled their passage
-
to pastures new
-
where daffodils bloomed
-
beside the lake
-
-side shopping centre
-
fluttering and dancing
-
until trampled under-foot
-
by clumsy brontosauri
-
and wandering poets evil:
-
but today's Saturday?
-
I stand corrected
-
in leather and
-
a gas mask
-
like a tory
-
with no satsuma
-
to fill the
-
space between his
-
two cheeky girls
-
, whose mother had
-
a very cute
-
but well worn
-
and somewhat stubby
-
red philips screwdriver
-
unlike Dr Who's
-
psychic paper chase
-
through time and
-
infinity and beyond
-
with Buzz and
-
Woody the Cowboy
-
builder who cannot
-
level a spirit
-
without a drop
-
of a foot
-
(or 30.48 cms)
-
now known as
-
approximately twelve inches
-
"Impressive!" said the
-
Choirboy to the
-
vicar who had
-
his cassock robes
-
tangled on-a tussock
-
, a small hillock
-
in his surplice
-
, a religious habit
-
hard to break
-
due to starch
-
, the spray-on variety
-
handy when stiffening
-
collars and cuffs
-
ensuring they match
-
, as Bond quipped
-
Shocking. Positively shocking.
-
Meanwhile, back at
-
the funny farm
-
the inmates laugh
-
chortle even, as
-
Matron hands out
-
blue triangular pills
-
that stop the
-
rot setting in
-
the damp rising
-
and the voices
-
telling me to
-
kill!, kill!, kill!
-
Tora, Tora, Tora
-
Kill who, Bill?
-
yes, kill Bill
-
destroy all bills
-
and mutilate invoices
-
by shredding with
-
wheat and milk
-
plenty of fibre
-
keeps you regular
-
and methane positive
-
Pregnant again Darwin ?
-
no more breeding noooo:
-
any more breeding
-
for whom, may
-
the bell toll
-
do tell, Tel
-
, what did you
-
do in the
-
garden earlier whilst
-
handling your chopper
-
with gay abandon
-
swinging this way
-
then the other
-
then shouting "Get
-
what's coming pal"
-
with bulging eyes
-
like Marty Feldman
-
. I said "You
-
see this fist"?
-
He gulped and
-
nodded nervously, knowing
-
what was coming
-
round the mountain
-
of Wenchy's tat
-
Wenchy said "You
-
really shouldn't
-
use two words
-
when three is
-
a far better
-
number, but four
-
is completely different
-
kettle of fish
-
in an un-fishy
-
phrase or saying
-
appropriate when speaking
-
with a mouthfull
-
of giant gobstoppers
-
" She drew breath
-
and let fly
-
high velocity gobstoppers
-
precisely aimed at
-
BM's bucket, ricocheting
-
off to hit
-
the top twenty
-
fancy dress costumes
-
that were worn
-
and slightly frayed
-
but well laundered
-
smelling of lavender
-
to disguise the
-
stale urine odour
-
of goats piss
-
which BM collected
-
to add to
-
the VP beer
-
all of which
-
spelt trouble for
-
those who spell
-
whilst drinking slops
-
and other fine
-
beverages, such as
-
wringings from dishcloths
-
, condensation from windows
-
, ale from ashtrays
-
nuts from Brazil
-
spit and sawdust
-
wattle and daub
-
wax and wane
-
Wayne and Waynetta
-
Gilbert and Sullivan
-
Pirates of Penzance
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.instantsmileys.com%2Fsmileys%2Fpirate-smiley-12.gif&hash=1582e1bf14c60f61049d6d18723c481605ef214e) (http://www.instantsmileys.com)
-
, a comic opera
-
the proportions of
-
a very modern
-
Major General, who
-
went to Afghanistan
-
disguised as a
-
camel in heat
-
protecting clothing and
-
asbestos oven gloves
-
because he thought
-
chalk was cheese
-
and other nonsense
-
which old wives
-
put about with
-
rather alarming regularity
-
amongst the urban
-
decay around them
-
a degenerative regenerative
-
regenerating much degeneration
-
with plain speaking
-
nowhere in sight
-
let alone being
-
comprehensible, as one
-
thing led to
-
another, causing a
-
nasty domestic accident
-
involving latex, high-heels
-
and a badger
-
, caught and tamed
-
using a whip
-
a walnut whip
-
whipped to perfection
-
by Miss Whiplash
-
the perfect whipper
-
-snapper companion to
-
the brothel owner
-
and sore-arsed dog
-
being treated by
-
a burly nurse
-
with ragged nails
-
and no lubricant
-
or painkillers available
-
or burlesque nurse
-
to distract from
-
the anguish of
-
the utter, utter
-
degradation which was
-
working its passage
-
in a convoluted
-
and softly glowing
-
, in a radioactive
-
isotope stuck up
-
a gargantuan orifice
-
like a chandelier
-
lit-up and dangling
-
from brass roses
-
mounted in alabaster
-
dismounted in Alexandria
-
, across the isthmus
-
around the peninsula
-
bypassing Cape Horn
-
and Kenneth Williams
-
crying ooooooooooh Matron,
-
Gruntfuttocks as well
-
and other profanities
-
, cussing her child
-
-bearing hips which
-
,as everyone knows
-
sway from side
-
to side while
-
wobbling and undulating
-
like two dogs
-
unleashed from hell
-
also called Slough
-
of Despond, which
-
friendly bombs failed
-
to prevent invasion
-
of the bodysnatchers
-
being filmed there
-
or there abouts
-
by the bollysnatchers
-
, Edina and Patsy
-
Cline who was
-
Crazy, Crazy for .....
-
going home with
-
the mad axe
-
woman, who looked
-
very much like
-
the Madonna with
-
the big boobies
-
said only once
-
, so listen carefully
-
'Allo, God Moaning'
-
"You stupid woman"
-
It is I
-
un dickey tickere
-
, maker de pace
-
in phony French
-
letters and poems
-
from a lady
-
, a proper laydeee
-
not like those
-
found in bars
-
of chocolate, licking
-
the fondant filling
-
exposing the walnut
-
small, wrinkled and
-
full of goodness
-
waiting to be
-
cracking a molar
-
and under pressure
-
a small smile
-
, a grimace maybe
-
or perhaps wind
-
in the willows
-
wafting through the
-
corridors of power
-
beneath the walls
-
sausage factory, where
-
gristle and sawdust
-
are lovingly blended
-
by the butcher
-
wearing nothing but
-
a jaunty boater
-
strategically placed on
-
what he laughingly
-
referred to as
-
the butcher's hook
-
better known as
-
an 'anger upper
-
though dropping aitches
-
displays poor breeding
-
sounding the aspirant
-
is even worse
-
and more common
-
than white socks
-
or pierced navels
-
, oranges of distinction
-
with small pips
-
dimpled skin and
-
film star colouring
-
only to be
-
George Hamilton, actor
-
of great note
-
and orange skin
-
like a navel ::)
-
taking the pith
-
and the pipth
-
in a simmpering
-
yet wrongly spelled
-
, a slip of
-
a gal who
-
dislecsick though she
-
used her tongue
-
to good effect
-
forked as it
-
sensually licked around
-
a chocolate hob-nob
-
left by Macca
-
, a well known
-
Liverpudlian has been
-
goosed several times
-
by several geese
-
, not two or
-
even three, but
-
lots of 'em
-
gaggling about the
-
way they do
-
then being served
-
truly plucked and
-
minus their giblets
-
slowly roasting while
-
we drink gin
-
and tonic, whilst
-
slowly basting the
-
small child found
-
with his finger
-
in the dyke
-
avoided by others
-
except Sandi Toksvig
-
, a raving feminist
-
but small and
-
crisp and danish
-
pastry eating champion
-
hailing from Lesbos
-
island, paradise for
-
dungaree clad women
-
and friends of
-
the rug industry
-
committed to sustainable
-
and sustained abuse
-
from their sistahs
-
and their muthahs
-
even those badass
-
gangsta's who rapped
-
on the door
-
in their pyjamas
-
, upstairs and downstairs
-
in m'lady's chamber
-
with two sexy
-
but rather elderly
-
nuns, who insisted
-
it was immaculate
-
conception not a
-
slightly torn French
-
letter, sabotaged by
-
jokers who wanted
-
three wise men
-
not around here
-
you are correct
-
no virgins either
-
Snoopy was ere whistle:
-
as Secret Santa
-
coming down her
-
chimney next week
-
to clear soot
-
and sweep her
-
passages and pathways
-
, nooks and crannies
-
with safety goggles
-
a face mask
-
and a snorkle
-
before she realised
-
that fins really
-
can only get ...
-
called Barmans flippers
-
, a pinball wizard
-
a puffball mushroom
-
Three French Hens
-
Two Racing Cars
-
and Alan Partridge
-
up his own
-
particular pear tree
-
and golden ring
-
ding a ling
-
pull his string
-
in the vestibule
-
with Reverend Green
-
and Rabbi Blue
-
whom I like
-
in a purely
-
, er, Biblical sense
-
quite disproportionate in
-
rabbinical terms, but
-
to a man
-
of delicate sensibilities
-
, a rare species
-
not often seen
-
in a hetrosexual
-
metrosexual hostelry but
-
not without precedent
-
or legal action
-
totally without prejudice
-
or part thereof
-
, with terms and
-
conditions in great
-
who's an ingrate?
-
BM as ever
-
the thwarted optimist
-
, the sunken dinghy
-
all pointed to
-
a punctured rubber
-
causing unwanted complications
-
of mega proportions
-
she whispered hopefully
-
in an irritatingly
-
fake French accent
-
but only once
-
because her beret
-
wasn't very Halle
-
nor Halal either
-
or even Kosher
-
it was however
-
approved by Mormons
-
and other religious
-
fanatics, bigots and
-
all licensed victuallers
-
with the exception
-
of Threshers, they
-
went bust last
-
time I bought
-
a large bucket
-
dear Henry, a
-
Harry Belafonte classic
-
along with Banana
-
-rama, who covered
-
in olive oil
-
, sprigs of Rosemary
-
and Thyme who
-
despite their best
-
efforts failed to
-
make Nick sane
-
applying medication, leeches
-
down his breeches
-
wife who teeches
-
and apparently screeches
-
but never bleaches
-
her anal ring
-
or even teeth
-
nor odd teeth
-
never false teeth
-
, it melts the
-
heart of Nick
-
renown for being
-
impervious to most
-
potions of magical
-
love spells, intended
-
to engender love
-
, lust, infatuation, desire,
-
followed by exhaustion
-
and a ciggie
-
, a house fire
-
and a tiff
-
Needell visitation, unexpected
-
as Clarkson should
-
have know but
-
what does he
-
do if he
-
doesn't know what
-
day it is
-
? Triffid day is
-
the day after
-
tomorrow, panic should
-
ensue among those
-
living in 1951
-
when triffids escaped
-
from Nicks greenhouse
-
wreaking havoc amongst
-
bears beagles and
-
many young beavers
-
some brazilian, others
-
quite hirsute, not
-
a straggly bush
-
more rampant shrub
-
said Lady Chatterley's
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Fsmileys%2Fsmiley-chores044.gif&hash=64184fee0973c8a49ecea6afc7b7bc3c3dd7854b) (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php)
-
bush tending labourer
-
(antecedent to
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs2.postimage.org%2F1WV7XA.jpg&hash=799902040200300de2f3c656f2dee53c7f15c5f1) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=Ts1WV7XA))
-
he still going?
-
melloring with age
-
you daft mare lol:
-
cried Lady Chatterly
-
while being ridden
-
point to point
-
bare-backed though she
-
looked silly with
-
goose pimples on
-
her pert behind
-
making it look
-
like a plucked
-
parson's nose, stuffed
-
with soothing Vick
-
making her eyes
-
water with desire
-
and King Edwards
-
red hot poker
-
poked her despite
-
it singeing her
-
husbands bushy moustache
-
and flowing sideburns
-
which were waxed
-
as well as
-
Brylcreemed into wondrous
-
,illustrious, brilliantined moustaches
-
shaped into motorbikes,
-
handlebars, with mirrors
-
and a klaxon
-
or a hooter
-
not the horn
-
Ooooooooo Mr 'orne
-
Varda my Eke
-
and Tina Turner
-
trolling the cottages
-
for interesting poloni
-
tres bona indeed.
-
Meanwhile, the freeze
-
blocks the passage
-
to India which
-
means Nick starves
-
impoverished, gaunt and
-
also sucked dry
-
by toad, goats,
-
Badger, mole, rat
-
and Captain Beaky
-
and his band
-
starring Hissing Sid
-
who was legless
-
with Terry Wogan
-
who was talentless
-
with Graham Norton
-
who was feckless
-
and Jonathan Ross
-
who was talentess
-
lisping as he
-
pulled rank on
-
on rank gonads
-
stuffed with kalimari
-
and seasoned with
-
garlic, coriander, pepper
-
served with rice
-
mice, hamsters and
-
a garnish of
-
parsley, sage, rosemary
-
bouquet garni extravaganza
-
and a soup?on
-
a soupcon without
-
any French letters
-
femidoms, latex laden
-
allergies that cause
-
you to wonder
-
why this rash
-
suddenly developed on
-
Pirates, private privates
-
at great length
-
and breadth, rather
-
below average actually
-
when compared to
-
the average obviously ::)
-
which would be
-
pretty average actually
-
I give up
-
as do we
-
but not I
-
that's good news
-
for some at
-
in the VP
-
which attracts various
-
flotsam and jetsam
-
misfits and weirdos
-
odds and bobs
-
not to mention
-
crooks and nannies
-
who abounded in
-
old Ealing comedies
-
including Whisky Galore!
-
a great favourite
-
with the upper
-
and the lower
-
and the middle
-
patrons of cinema
-
and the minema
-
theatre, and seedy
-
basil, brown bread
-
and barman's seed
-
cake, thinly sliced,
-
and barely edible
-
the term barely
-
, meaning really disgusterous
-
nay, vomit inducing
-
not just any
-
ordinary household emetic
-
but the best
-
that money could
-
bribe the local
-
barman who said...
-
"My poor head"
-
a recurring theme
-
brought on by
-
lack of self-control
-
, something we all
-
aspire to, at
-
some time or
-
other, depending on
-
the time vortex
-
, the temporal wormhole
-
AKA David Tennant's
-
rite of passage
-
that's back passage?
-
with rear entry
-
and mid-air refuelling
-
The C-130 Hercules
-
complete with turboprop
-
for safe re-entry
-
without hitting the
-
ejector seat lever
-
whilst ejecting rapidly
-
some rapid ejaculations
-
rather messily into
-
TMR's sports sock
-
which became soggy
-
but rapidly stiffened
-
, seeing the pussy
-
clinging on for
-
a tin of
-
cat-o-meat
-
, but couldn't find
-
a can opener
-
so instead used
-
a screwdriver, a
-
a hammer and
-
chisel, unaware of
-
elfin safety rules
-
which clearly state
-
elves should not
-
Chisel, cheat or
-
otherwise indulge in
-
felonious activities that
-
could be considered
-
a potential threat
-
in elf world
-
at the bottom
-
of the garden
-
with the fairies
-
along with Nick
-
an exploding badger
-
Badger Badger Badger
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TpuaGGhvWH4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TpuaGGhvWH4)
-
Pirate, naughty step!
-
keel haul him
-
cried the captain
-
in a high
-
voice, not becoming
-
in a captain
-
, more cabin boy
-
who's yet to
-
encounter Mr P.U.Berty
-
or Stanley Knife
-
(other crew members)
-
with no members
-
other than those
-
out on the
-
parapet, ready to
-
walk the plank
-
aka BM to
-
rescue the goats
-
that were floundering
-
in 1.8 metres
-
1.8 you say?
-
yes, 6'6 inches
-
good grief, who'd
-
have ever guessed
-
Barmans pool was
-
as short as
-
1/3 a bus
-
and deep as
-
a goatherd's thoughts
-
demented and twisted
-
yet remarkably supple
-
in a grey
-
double breasted suit
-
cuffs slightly frayed
-
, single vent overstretched
-
torn, bottomless pockets
-
and short arms
-
Yep, that's Barman
-
shouted the officer
-
but which officer
-
Kyriacos 'Tex' Papadopoulos (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.postimage.org%2Ftemplates%2Fimages%2Fsmiley%2Fheadgear%2F11.gif&hash=d7398ccce6c31fa7f2b2b0eb5364f7c84baafcaa) (http://www.postimage.org/)
-
commonly called Bill
-
who was old
-
with much fuzz
-
and many doughnuts
-
under his belt
-
which barely held
-
his gargantuan stomach
-
from dragging on
-
the floor, collecting
-
more fluff in
-
his navel, by
-
new Dyson technology
-
bagless and with
-
great suction power
-
when applied to
-
straws in milkshake
-
not just any
-
straws, but genuine
-
Jack ones, legally
-
insane, despite being
-
put in charge
-
of a Dyson
-
, broken of course ;)
-
gubbed, being the
-
operative word, but
-
the nuance of
-
a warranty agreement
-
not worth the
-
paper it's written
-
on, or indeed
-
the ink it
-
was written with
-
by the hand
-
wot wrote it
-
shakey and covered
-
of the almighty
-
, protector of all
-
the most unlikely
-
scenarios, both good
-
bad and indifferent
-
. Personal trainers, however
-
come and go
-
like the wind
-
in the willows
-
with four anthropomorphised
-
yet totally endearing
-
small furry animals
-
but no beaver
-
to distract the
-
attentions of innocent
-
hands-on personal trainers
-
hands-on personal trainers
female gym members
-
on the pull
-
regardless of any
-
well meant advice
-
from the odd
-
Nick and Growler
-
who, though well-intentioned
-
were more interested
-
in rims and
-
brake horse power
-
, leaky bits and
-
dirty mud tracks
-
and dirty weekends
-
mounting me 'ill
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.postimage.org%2Ftemplates%2Fimages%2Fsmiley%2Fsporty%2F41.gif&hash=4b894076a661ae3c69e1b71b5f40aeb4778b9c10) (http://www.postimage.org/)
with me backpack
-
on me back
-
and a flask
-
on me head
-
, the sun glinting
-
in the stream
-
, golden daffodils fluttering
-
on washing lines
-
with frilly bloomers
-
string vests, corsets
-
Hi-viz, Sat Nav, Map
-
fluorescent yellow in
-
case you need
-
to attract attention
-
of passing ne'er-do-wells
-
I'm free ............ Oh redface:
-
no you're not
-
never knowingly undersold
-
exclaimed John Lewis
-
consulting his "list"
-
that you're not
-
on just yet
-
but will be
-
if you play
-
dominoes and crib
-
in the 'snug'
-
and don't smoke
-
even if spontaneously
-
combusting after eating
-
BM's goat curry
-
at Phal strength
-
with lashings of
-
chips from the
-
chipper which he
-
set on fire
-
and then extinguished
-
with his rug
-
before LL said "
-
what the fuck
-
is that dead
-
badger doing on
-
my kitchen floor
-
next to the
-
motorbike engine bits
-
and big pile
-
of Quaver packets
-
and leftover parts
-
from a previous
-
attempt at castration
-
by LL before
-
she'd properly sharpened
-
her nail scissors
-
, put glasses on
-
and found tweezers
-
rusting in a
-
n old Keo can
-
which Barman filled
-
with 5? coins
-
from the blind
-
box under the
-
bar that only
-
gets brought out
-
on special occasions
-
like Mother's old
-
Tango dress that
-
turned Father's head
-
together with fishnet
-
curtains, to wrap
-
around exposed columns
-
gothic, doric, corinthian
-
or even Nelsons
-
,avoiding the pigeon
-
guano and feathers
-
adorning the hat
-
worn by the
-
Napoleon appreciation society
-
, all short arses
-
are bad news
-
,written and recorded
-
on wax cylinders
-
currently resting in
-
the overnight bag
-
by the door
-
marked "No Entry"
-
and "No Exit"
-
like Hotel California
-
but in Bognor
-
Regis Railway Station
-
the signs have
-
been taken down
-
and replaced by
-
signs in Welsh
-
saying gsvgdf yfrignog
-
, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch four miles
-
whereas in fact
-
it was much
-
closer to home
-
than he thought
-
which caused a
-
rapid re-think on
-
his career plans
-
and funeral arrangements
-
of dead publicans
-
who'd come back
-
from the brink
-
of death to
-
save all goats
-
for the BBQ
-
bought from B&Q
-
with charcoal from
-
orphanides in Pafos
-
or Papas in
-
old Renault ads
-
Papa? Nicole? Papa?
-
shouted the confused
-
froggie car driver
-
upset with the
-
stupid English tourist
-
standing in the
-
who didn't like
-
frog leg soup
-
snails in garlic
-
still didn't deter
-
Miss-D dating PT
-
lunch arranged tomorrow
-
and for afters
-
something easily digestible
-
, full of protein
-
unlike milk which
-
when curdled turns
-
the strongest of
-
dogs into cats
-
water into wine
-
goats into swimmimg
-
the English channel
-
smothered in goose
-
bumps and lard
-
making them watertight
-
as BM's wallet
-
but not so
-
moth eaten and
-
of historic interest
-
last seen 1985
-
but not forgotten sad24:
-
in mourning since ::)
-
the death of
-
faith hope and
-
that ugly bird
-
,a mangy parakeet
-
in a park
-
ing place for
-
mangy old parakeets
-
denoted by a
-
Parakeet friendly barman
-
a rusty parrot
-
needs oiling if
-
when opened it
-
squeaks like a
-
mouse in a
-
rusty carnivorous parrot
-
who couldn't remember
-
his last meal
-
where he'd succeed
-
and sucked seed
-
through a straw
-
1 I won
-
a competitive cyclops
-
one I'd get
-
Gordon Brown perchance
-
said the boatman
-
with shivering timbers
-
and severe cataaaaarrrrh
-
, so spoke phlegmish
-
in a nasally
-
yet very irritating
-
way like Jools
-
not the blitzed
-
bombing in WW2
-
more like Jools
-
Holland's not Dutch
-
dyke fingers probing
-
his wooden slippers
-
clogging his canal
-
soaking his polders
-
to the IJsselmeer
-
where tulips thrive
-
or tulips shrivel
-
depending on the
-
tender, loving care
-
exhibited by some
-
to their PT
-
Barnum look alike
-
whip-cracking ring master
-
with three rings eeek:
-
not Olympic standard
-
or British Standard
-
nor Gold Standard
-
or Evening Standard
-
but VP standard
-
a most excellent
-
venue for misfits
-
from every walk
-
crawl and slither
-
like Hissing Sid
-
yes I did cloud9:
-
Carshalton duck pond
-
much favoured by
-
all fly tippers
-
and tie flippers
-
and Thai nippers
-
with nail clippers
-
and crab pincers
-
attached to huge
-
crabs of course
-
which were attached
-
in a Platonic
-
way to the
-
vast outcrop of
-
barnacles scrapped from
-
Pirate's very big
-
empty vessel, rotting
-
with broken heart
-
and contrite sigh
-
heaving chest and
-
a trembling sinner
-
, a trembling knee
-
, a knee trembler
-
although soon finished
-
, prematurely, simultaneously, precipitately
-
All day long
-
she sits and
-
shines, all day
-
after rising, bright
-
looking forward with
-
anticipation to the
-
final count down
-
meeting sylvester Stallone
-
who came back
-
several times, sporting
-
(that was Arnie)
-
a curly moustache
-
Go Compare aarrgghh!
-
Get my gun
-
Get it yourself. eveilgrin:
-
Rocky 1-96?
-
which his mother
-
hideous though she
-
quite definitely was
-
gurned her way
-
into the public
-
toilets, occupied by
-
a paying customer
-
, not a VPer
-
we are told
-
, but by two
-
o'clock, Snoopy had
-
completely exhausted himself
-
by humping the
-
leg of any
-
queen anne table
-
in antique shops
-
in a precinct
-
watched by hundreds
-
of CCTV cameras
-
yet he still
-
got splinters in
-
his bum, sliding
-
carelessly across the
-
park bench outside
-
dog rescue centre
-
with Rolf Harris
-
whose drawing showed
-
his big dijeridoo
-
was inflated beyond
-
all recognition but
-
failed to attract
-
the attention of
-
the judge, bewigged
-
and bewildered like
-
BM on Sundays
-
Mondays and Tuesdays
-
, half day Wednesday
-
Thursday Friday and
-
saturday are looking
-
more like it
-
than when we
-
were, when we
-
thought we weren't
-
but, we were
-
sure we weren't
-
but tests proved
-
inconclusive for HIV
-
, positive for HGV
-
negative for ITV
-
but the TGV
-
was very fast
-
but sadly French
-
and practically perfect
-
just like me
-
he lied again whistle:
-
Pirate by name
-
handsome by nature
-
warped by reality
-
, in my own
-
sad, sad world
-
, loved by many
-
dogs and sailors
-
and even priests
-
Knights Templar maybe
-
from the middle
-
of nowhere, to
-
the back of
-
the sofa which
-
stores hidden treasure
-
and loose change
-
which pays for
-
the stolen drinks cussing:
-
and hair tonic
-
and magic beans
-
still very valuable
-
like turnip options
-
buy some now
-
and cry tomorrow
-
,which never comes
-
without the aid
-
without the aid
of artificial means
-
, a time machine
-
piece of string
-
sticky backed plastic
-
GET DOWN SHEP!
-
, leave her leg
-
-endary sexual skills
-
for the experts
-
at virtual pub
-
,few in number
-
but hugely knowledgeable
-
about the square-root
-
of fuck all?
-
happy088
Meanwhile, back at
-
the real world
-
Nick dreams about
-
cake shops with
-
Thomas the Tank
-
commander (a Panzer)
-
ever so pink
-
Panzer I said! ::)
-
German for Panther ::)
-
German for Panther ::)
I knew that redface:
-
yes of course char048
-
I bloody did! cussing:
-
Naturlisch mein commandant
-
said the farmer
-
to the pink
-
suited old man
-
behind the bar
-
, the lounge lizard
-
meanwhile, was ogling
-
Miss Demeanor who
-
was getting squiffy
-
on cheap voddy
-
which she quaffed
-
from the bottle
-
on the floor
-
in the toilets
-
while PT watched
-
eyes wide open
-
mouth agape and
-
Lycra stretched tight
-
sequins flying in
-
all directions as
-
the Lycra stretched
-
further and further
-
defying Newton's theory
-
until finally it
-
had stretched beyond
-
its elastic limit
-
and with one
-
huge explosion everybody
-
feared would happen
-
sequins and Lycra
-
shattered his spectacles
-
totally wrecked 'em
-
yet added a
-
surround, Everage style
-
,rose tinted and
-
bejewelled, just like
-
Dame Edna's knickers
-
which he kept
-
for emergency planning
-
Not family planning
-
nor town planning
-
, definitely family planning
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs1.postimage.org%2Fi31PS.jpg&hash=f44aad9d6b3365c99662a2d1b9ef451f2179847a) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=gxi31PS)
-
with malice aforethought
-
the buffalo drinks
-
mozzarella and Chianti
-
with fava beans
-
and brain slithers
-
which slithered and
-
were very brainy
-
faggots with gravy
-
and plenty of
-
smutty double entendre
-
but fun just
-
the same unless
-
it is different
-
in which case
-
apply it liberally
-
or get someone
-
to put a
-
big sticking plaster
-
over the wound
-
or festering sore
-
such as Swindon
-
"Up the Robins"
-
shouted naughty Batman
-
as he polished
-
his black helmet
-
in red-spotted boxers
-
pugilists with measles eeek:
-
bring back quarantine
-
the Romany liqueur
-
made from hedgehogs
-
crab apples and
-
nicked red diesel
-
redface: That is embarrassing
-
only if caught eyes:
-
by the short'n'curlies
-
or the fuzz (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.postimage.org%2Ftemplates%2Fimages%2Fsmiley%2Fheadgear%2F38.gif&hash=246115042ef68c2e9620c941a961d2df9240a0be) (http://www.postimage.org/)
-
or the Peelers
-
,the Ministry Men
-
and Uncle Tom
-
from Lewthwaite Crag
-
, a mile off
-
near to Chesapeake
-
, that well known
-
breed of dog
-
, rather like a
-
fully matured beagle
-
testicles removed , as
-
a safety measure
-
. That'll stop him
-
humping anything that
-
No it won't evil:
-
but he might
-
if asked nicely
-
, and stroked with
-
a fur lined
-
glove puppet called
-
from the grave
-
"Where is Sweep?"
-
Soo is expecting
-
a hand up
-
the Cathedral steps
-
to the cloisters
-
where fruit cake
-
AKA Nick waited
-
along with Cardinals
-
and Red Admirals
-
thread veins showing
-
through puckered skin
-
. "Dried prunes?" said
-
he, looking at
-
his gnarled old
-
man which hadn't
-
seen the light
-
for many years
-
, except when young
-
er than he
-
said he was
-
despite his baldness
-
he is perfect
-
miniature though he
-
likes to think
-
his testicles and
-
other bits are
-
fine specimens, which
-
beggar belief, if
-
by Lilliputian standards
-
the handbook says
-
What's a handbook? Shrugs:
-
a diminutive Pygmy
-
looking up skywards
-
, straining his back
-
jumping the fence
-
jumping the fence
which was electric
-
but within regulations
-
pertaining to the
-
lack of emails
-
Nick got today
-
,or any other
-
week of the
-
year, letters however
-
from the solicitor
-
were piling up
-
unnoticed behind the
-
piles of piles
-
created by his
-
sitting on cold
-
Italian salami delivered
-
previously, by hand
-
-maidens of Satan
-
the Muslim greengrocer
-
Uncle Tom Cobley
-
and other assorted
-
village green stalwarts
-
but not the
-
bloody morris dancers
-
, they having been
-
banned on safety
-
grounds due to
-
the blind footballers
-
escaping from the
-
Braille cup final
-
, dot dot dot
-
, dash dash dash
-
run away fast
-
From Hissing Sid
-
Captain Beaky and
-
his Band
-
Pirate broke it!
-
start again then?
-
his Band
, thats
-
Timid Toad and
(there...mended)
-
not so fast
-
said the porpoise
-
to the school
-
head girl, who
-
in gym-slip and
-
, fluttering her eyelashes,
-
like demented butterflies
-
, suddenly proclaimed that
-
it was time
-
for physical education
-
from a personal
-
trainer, such-as myself whistle:
-
. Tight Lycra is
-
appealing to some whistle:
-
select lettuce munchers whistle:
-
who won't bite
-
anything carniverous or
-
just one more
-
without adding some
-
sugar, spice and
-
well cut cheese
-
should be toasted
-
with extra capers
-
, a little oregano,
-
and big fat............
-
dollops of ketchup
-
washed down with.
-
even more ketchup
-
, tomato squeezing frenzy
-
followed by testes
-
and other examinations
-
which involved probing
-
prodding and rodding
-
Yargh: The annal probe
-
once a year
-
for every racoon
-
hunting local halfwit
-
for today's election
-
. Welcome miss chevious
-
thank you pastis
-
not you again?
-
I noticed that too ~ I assume an explanation has been offered and accepted.
-
You broke it! point:
-
Enjoyed it too razz:
-
as i always...
-
try to avoid
-
being caught at
-
the checkout with
-
marmite and turnips
-
delicious though they
-
are, Darwin makes
-
the most peculiar
-
chutney, tasting like
-
fodder and slurry
-
with chunky bits
-
of turnip and
-
diced carrot with
-
shredded Hunters rubber
-
boots with buckles
-
the linings of
-
which smelled like
-
a camel's jockstrap
-
steeped in sherry
-
trifle, wobbling precariously
-
on the edge
-
of Darwin's gargantuan
-
globe shaped turnip
-
munching penguin which
-
didn't enjoy turnips
-
unless served with
-
Mahoosive yellow painted
-
salad servers, this
-
was the way
-
it had been
-
since time immemorial
-
and would remain
-
so, until hell
-
completely freezes over
-
, notwithstanding global warming
-
a non proven
-
bread mouldering in
-
the heart of
-
an architectural nightmare
-
like the Guggenheim
-
and other carbuncles
-
said Big Ears
-
to a passing
-
former PM who
-
played Bubble Island
-
on the banjo
-
whilst tapping his
-
blind man's cane
-
against the rubber
-
dinghy moored by
-
two swarthy Frenchmen
-
Alphonse & Pierre
-
(a civil partnership)
-
working their passage
-
all the way
-
up the Limpopo
-
, grey, green, greasy noooo:
-
slick with rancid
-
fat, the stew
-
-ard had thrown
-
overboard in a
-
Prescotian temper tantrum
-
,a raft not
-
a floating barrel
-
of bitter lard
-
as served by
-
the bitter larder
-
based in Bittern
-
by the triangle
-
know it well
-
, it's by the
-
scene of Snoopy's
-
least well remembered
-
humping episode with
-
a poodle called
-
Madame Fifi and
-
a Rottweiler called
-
a Gang Bang? eeek:
-
a silly name
-
for any dog
-
has his day
-
at the vet
-
whimper, whine, yelp!
-
snip, snip, snip eveilgrin:
-
the dogs bollocks
-
the mutt's nuts 8)
-
the canines sphericals
-
the mongrels maracas
-
boules de chiens
-
Bags of marbles
-
crystal balls eh?
-
said Mystic Meg
-
who foretold the
-
the square root
-
of sweet nothing
-
or Fanny Adams
-
,who just happened
-
to be passing
-
the stage door
-
on a remarkably
-
upright lady's bicycle
-
with saddle bags
-
of finest leather
-
matching her skin
-
brown, cracked, leathery
-
, observed the Bishop
-
at square leg
-
unusually for him
-
normally silly point
-
where he frequently
-
caught a googly
-
,swine flu and
-
passing gypsy queens
-
round the Maypole
-
in mid May
-
casting clouts anon
-
who preferred remaining
-
naked despite nipple
-
tassels being offered
-
revolving both ways
-
ungainly and out
-
-moded by today's
-
admittedly lowered standards
-
, expenses again eh?
-
it usually is
-
, by which I
-
reveal my bigotry
-
slowly with feeling
-
and deep sincerity
-
of all I
-
wish to imply
-
to deflect you
-
from rubbing the
-
the wrong way
-
the Magic Turnip
-
on special offer
-
buy one get
-
one delivered promptly evil:
-
washed, chopped and
-
served on a
-
bed of lettuce
-
that is wilting
-
aren't we all?
-
in one way
-
out the other
-
round the back
-
up the pole
-
down the drain
-
mainly in Spain
-
on the plain
-
in the rain
-
By George! she's
-
got it! Now ......
-
to more mundane
-
matters of unimportance
-
which still need
-
a good airing
-
before putting away
-
neatly folded and
-
smelling of detergent
-
not any old
-
carbolic soap stuff
-
but proper lavendar
-
blue dilly dilly
-
I shall be
-
totally demented by
-
opening time unless
-
someone changes subject
-
which will undoubtedly
-
involve a fresh
-
crop of tarts
-
pies and sandwiches
-
and lashings of
-
ginger beer for
-
ginger headed people
-
of all ages
-
and personal persuasions
-
, impersonal persuasions and
-
persons of persuasive
-
character who ceaselessly
-
and persuasively persuaded
-
The Persuaders (TV)
-
which was crap
-
as was all
-
the younger generation
-
with fabulous taste
-
nowhere in sight
-
despite being searched
-
by Marigold wearing
-
,butch woman in
-
dungarees, doc martens
-
short hair cuts
-
, a dwarf German
-
infantry man with
-
a long bayonet
-
knee length boots
-
fur lined cape
-
three French hens
-
pillaged from a
-
Brittany farm house
-
while Miss Spears
-
drank herself silly
-
with Miss D
-
with fizzy water
-
in her Voddy
-
in a mini
-
tartan and pleated
-
and photograhed with
-
night vision goggles
-
in a bucket
-
of wallpaper paste
-
or something similar
-
certainly glutenous and
-
excellent for walls
-
that need papering
-
, possibly red flocked sick2:
-
in Indian restaurants
-
where Cobra beer
-
Kingfisher beer and
-
poppadums were served
-
with lime pickle
-
made by MissC
-
in her cauldron
-
while chanting evil
-
chanty things, cackling
-
away, as usual
-
not about anything
-
or somebody, somewhere
-
over the rainbow
-
weigh a pie
-
jeans are blue
-
suede shoes aren't
-
blue, rather green
-
especially when mouldy
-
having been left
-
in the rain
-
overnight while Elvis
-
stayed in Graceland
-
a well known
-
Chippy in Grimsby
-
consuming vast quantities
-
fried banana and
-
toffee sauce made
-
into a sandwich
-
toasted, and consumed
-
just before death
-
whilst sitting naked
-
(I was just
-
thinking about frying
-
a banana when
-
I read this eeek: )
-
cheat, cheat, cheat
-
was Pastis naked?
-
hard to tell
-
, hard to see
-
Nick wants pictures
-
eeek: He was there.
-
I want pictures 8)
-
but of course
-
way off course
-
in the rough
-
or a bunker
-
with thick concrete
-
for carpet slippers
-
and carpet bags
-
bags of carpets?
-
Indeed, young hound
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs2.postimage.org%2FkKfiA.jpg&hash=b806006763a9e01f70f6ccaa04c6078bf886ef49) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=TskKfiA)
-
like Mary Poppins
-
penny a bag
-
like sherbet dibdabs
-
FEED THE BIRDS! evil:
-
chim chim chereeeeeee
-
Gawd Bless Yer
-
Dick Van Dyke
-
Julie Elizabeth Andrews razz:
-
or Alka Seltzer
-
Red-Bull not required
-
nor asked for
-
by any patron
-
of the arts
-
or the VP
-
all of whom
-
have better taste
-
and never feel
-
bilious or queasy
-
except when Nick
-
empties his beard
-
the contents of
-
which, Time Team
-
adorned in striped
-
jumpers and wellingtons
-
Stirlings and Lancasters
-
heavy bomber squadrons
-
who attacked Algeria
-
Finland, Germany, Spain
-
and then went
-
very quiet and
-
shed a tear
-
, Growlers new retreat
-
eschewing shed nous
-
dans le bois
-
les deux enfants
-
Nick et Growleur
-
amour au peu
-
bear to death
-
not by hugging
-
with Huggy Bear
-
from that 70s
-
, a dreadful time
-
I can't remember
-
which is just
-
as well because
-
I would cringe
-
at the style
-
of my trousers
-
, loons, grandad t-shirt
-
nicked from grandad
-
only yesterday in-fact
-
declared MissC cheating lol:
-
as sweet grannies
-
are allowed to
-
cheat, it's obligatory
-
the British Government
-
set the example
-
lowlife members of
-
of the underclass
-
just follow the
-
Yellow prick toad
-
with crazy frog
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/834648/cool_song_by_crazy_frog/
-
Will not click
Will not click
Will not click
Will not click
Will not click
Will not click
Will not click
Will not click
Will not click
-
said JOM despairingly
-
his twitchy finger
-
on the trigger
-
Trigger was not
-
just a horse
-
oh no, he
-
is a four
-
wheel drive enthusiast
-
and owns a
-
badly scarred shin
-
bone dug up
-
but rarely planted
-
in flower pots
-
and fed with
-
the finest
horse-shit horse muck manure fertiliser
-
fison's evergreen, the
-
best cure for......
-
anything that wilts
-
in this weather
-
the secret lies
-
in the cellar
-
the Panama Canal
-
, The Culebra Cut
-
, a continental divide in
-
. MissC lost count point:
-
she's pissed again
-
ungentlemanly comment made
-
could alter one's
-
opinion of certain
-
members of the
-
crew who defame
-
all bloody hypocrites
-
that live in
-
glasshouses, yet throw
-
dirty ,great big.........
-
stones which crash
-
like stocks and
-
shares, spiralling out
-
from the centre
-
in fractal splendour
-
with a dazzling
-
array of colours
-
sparks showering down
-
on London town
-
cheesy music video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5B5HNOI7IbE
-
trashed beyond belief
-
by the yahoos
-
and other online
-
useless search engines
-
who prey upon
-
prayers psalms and
-
other wishful thinking
-
talking and chatting
-
drinkin and postin
-
idle gossip and
-
rumours aplenty which
-
are not necessarily
-
germaine to the
-
matter at hand
-
, that being far
-
, far away in
-
another galaxy where
-
the Jumblies live
-
"Their heads are
-
mahoosive and green
-
and without hair
-
completely devoid infact
-
of intelligence and
-
wit, though not
-
completely thick as
-
two short planks
-
with blue hands
-
like a smurf
-
no thank you
-
"I have just
-
put one out"
-
he exclaimed virtuously
-
as the cat
-
in an attempt
-
to lick its
-
mates ears because
-
he felt affectionate
-
and pussy licking redface: redface: redface:
-
is so embarrassing
-
on the street
-
where you live whistle:
-
someone else's street
-
where someone lives
-
but you don't
-
care because it's
-
is acceptable, providing
-
it's not raining
-
hailing, snowing or
-
blocked with leaves
-
causing vast floods
-
of epic proportions
-
Biblical in fact
-
and in fiction
-
and even reference
-
whatever the preference
-
be it perverted
-
, pure and virtuous
-
polite and courteous
-
like Sgt Wilson
-
from Swallows Bank
-
, the infertility clinic
-
abounded with internal
-
nooks and crannies
-
deeply delved into
-
with gloved fingers
-
and cold hands
-
and a warm
-
rolled up copy
-
of Cosmo magazine
-
back to front
-
and inside out
-
, to ensure a
-
n even coating
-
of varnish on
-
all ten toenails
-
some of which
-
were in growing
-
and out rageous
-
horny, cracked and
-
split, oozing with
-
yellow glutenous pus
-
-in-boots posters
-
waiting for Christmas
-
cards, wrapping paper
-
and scented candles
-
filling the room
-
to hide the
-
unfortunate aroma of
-
BMs gassy emissions
-
despite the methane
-
being syphoned off
-
and used for
-
heating glass houses
-
where stones shouldn't
-
ever be grown ;D
-
not even living
-
a stone's throw
-
from the pub
-
-lic library housing
-
weighty and hefty
-
tomes of literature
-
dusty and crackling
-
with musty aroma
-
exciting adventures which
-
featured a pirate
-
, a dusky maiden,
-
aroused by the
-
pope, his minions
-
, from the lottery
-
HQ bickering and
-
arguing over numbers
-
and balls galore
-
,not Pussy Galore
-
or Whisky Galore
-
but BALLS galore evil:
-
balls left right
-
in the middle
-
of his forehead
-
causing great pain
-
tugging his forelock
-
made them bounce
-
in a peculiar
-
but strangely alluring
-
motion, first clockwise
-
then a googly
-
and a Bingy
-
and a bungee
-
jump that went
-
down then up
-
then down then
-
up then down
-
like a whore's
-
drawers in Portsmouth
-
many of whom
-
remember our Snoopy
-
appearing in pantomime
-
as the back
-
end of the
-
the cow called
-
Ermintrude, the front
-
being performed by
-
Nick, although this
-
proximity to Uranus
-
was somewhat difficult
-
to explain because
-
Snoopys nose was
-
clearly put out
-
then back in
-
then out again
-
(a rhinoplastic piston)
-
he muttered parenthetically
-
and sotto voce
-
and sotto voce
being half Italian
-
half pantomime cow
-
I am listening evil:
-
to Nicks bottom
-
as he talks
-
the sun shines
-
on the meek
-
who may inherit...
-
the pub when
-
they shuffle off
-
to a place
-
smelling of stale
-
urine and unwashed
-
flaky bodily parts
-
vintage me-mi parts
-
, overpriced just like
-
taxis in Italy ;)
-
,driven like Cypriots
-
suffering from piles
-
of washing up
-
on the beach
-
-ball which deflated
-
cos some prick
-
pierced its outer
-
and its inner
-
peace man, hey
-
there Delilah, won't
-
there Delilah, don't
you worry about
-
people changing your
-
lyrics for the
-
Lithuanian national anthem
-
and thigh slappers
-
like Puss in
-
Ding Dong Dell
-
he's behind you
-
that Elton John
-
bewigged and mincing
-
, going down on
-
The sun, oh
-
what a beautiful
-
Mo~orning, sang Snoopy
-
falsetto, as is
-
vet chopped off
-
his lower register
-
With two wall-bricks
-
a rusty penknife
-
leaving him with
-
a gaping hole,
-
where once nestled
-
two most pleasing
-
scenic prints depicting
-
Edwardian hunting scenes
-
dead game aplenty
-
, with the obligatory
-
country house behind
-
an overgrown tree
-
a skinny horse
-
cantering towards the
-
glue factory, where
-
it ranked favourite
-
with Gingers tipster
-
from glorious Goodwood
-
,a well known
-
oven supplier who....
-
had a bun
-
in the oven
-
and an ace
-
from a jack
-
Daniels bottle, which
-
leads to fun
Linky like (http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_uVufg7NXe2c/SmbL3Ak6CLI/AAAAAAAAD9A/lYw96RWhKfQ/s400/sex%2Bon%2Bbridge%2B4.jpg&imgrefurl=http://keeskennis.blogspot.com/2009/07/seeing-is-believing.html&usg=__Y_0AOeTh7lJ2sG1FeBT92KOT78U=&h=400&w=302&sz=27&hl=en&start=3&tbnid=b61KmZpmZxHZQM:&tbnh=124&tbnw=94&prev=/images%3Fq%3Djack%2Bdaniels%2Bbridge%26hl%3Den%26gbv%3D2%26tbs%3Disch:1&itbs=1)
-
and some danger
eeek:
-
man star Patrick
-
McGoohan thought he
-
chased inflated condoms
-
and smoked No6
-
those were the
-
ones with vouchers
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs2.postimage.org%2FCg5iA.jpg&hash=5ed7045af7755a1b21ad3df32f3e7974eebaa74d) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=TsCg5iA)
-
redeemable for useless
-
yet curiously enticing
-
gizmos which made
-
BM drool constantly
-
whilst dreaming about
-
4AM every day
-
in spite of
-
the rubber sheet
-
that LL had
-
when she pulled
-
too hard on
-
the switch that
-
opened the secret
-
panel leading to
-
a new life
-
sentence, for posting
-
drowned goats through
-
emergency escape hatches
-
seldom used, except
-
in an emergency
-
like the time
-
BM caught his
-
mini in the
-
zip of his
-
new seat covers
-
. The deluxe leopardskin
-
clashing with LL's
-
soft, pink, furry
-
dice, hanging from
-
BM's mini minor
-
which he couldn't
-
reach the pedals
-
as his short
-
as his shorts
were too tight
-
as he had
-
increased his girth
-
by eating kebabs
-
and chip mountains
-
on the side
-
of an over-stuffed
-
brown Chesterfield settee
-
worn and cracked
-
due to its
-
being located near
-
the gents toilet
-
where it suffered
-
being banged regularly
-
rather like Ulrika
-
shopping at ikea..........
-
and other punishments
-
most dire and
-
mindnumbing to most
-
of the swedes
-
and the turnips
-
which Darwin lovingly
-
tended and nurtured
-
, looking forward to
-
the day when
-
they took over
-
as #1 foodstuff
-
as they're full
-
of natural goodness
-
eeek: that old line
-
hook and sinker
-
plumb bob akimbo
-
builder Bob a-bodgeo
-
and then scarpero
-
swimming frantically towards
-
the abyss of
-
messages not read
-
, not me, who
-
what or where
-
is that elusive
-
taste (like Umami)
-
and the Papas
-
famous in't sixties
-
for California Dreamin'
-
, which was mostly
-
Mama Cass with
-
colourful flowing robes
-
a beautiful voice
-
and brown leaves
-
left in teapot
-
read by Tipsy
-
for fifteen pounds
-
an hour, or
-
part thereof, plus
-
Value Added Tax
-
to please Osborne
-
House, Prince Albert's
-
piercing was missing
-
, who checked then?
-
Pastis, monocle akimbo
-
eeek: I did not!
-
Well somebody did
-
not me either
-
It was Teddy
-
Roosevelt who did
-
suffer from asthma
-
digging the canal
-
coughing and sniveling
-
and also sniffling
-
wiping his nose
-
on his sleeve
-
, however, his cufflinks
-
were diamond encrusted
-
but Naomi Campbell
-
denied all knowledge
-
unusual for supermodels
-
accustomed to snorting
-
lines of white
-
supremacist propaganda in
-
egregiously entertaining, fantastically
-
colourful magazines, which
-
needed mass audience
-
hysteria which then
-
enraged the media
-
who were standing
-
on the walrus'
-
or the eggmen
-
usually called hegglers
-
collecting the hegemony
-
from the undergrowth
-
in the forest
-
frequented by bears
-
with sore heads
-
requiring some TLC
-
and loads-a cake
-
from plastic containers (http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2010/08/16/bear-cub-gets-head-stuck-in-jam-jar-pictures-115875-22490796/)
-
difficult to remove sad32:
-
,like a black
-
jack chewy sweet
-
or umami flavoured
-
mushroom syllabub, known
-
as Forest Fudge
-
or Gay Gump
-
with assorted centres
-
of modern cities
-
and old habits
-
which die hard
-
said Alfie, reminiscing
-
as he was
-
all nostalgic like
-
for past conquests
-
1066 and all
-
that was overrated
-
with no vision
-
blind as he
-
was from Venice
-
and preferred curtains
-
to be drawn
-
hung and velveteen
-
rather than drapes
-
closed in daylight
-
, trying to avoid
-
being seen by
-
the process server
-
a knave by
-
order of the
-
friends and neighbours
-
who didn't like
-
the way he
-
kept old cars
-
in a lockup
-
rusting and rotting
-
unrestorable by BM
-
as is everything
-
, but his dishwasher
-
puts everything right
-
, however, the crockery
-
is a different
-
kettle of fish
-
unless they're kippers
-
smoked in Whitby
-
rolled on thighs
-
of buxom fishwives
-
pining for their
-
fijords, Monty Pythonesque
-
Norwegian blue parrots
-
strangely deceased and
-
nailed to a
-
perch, upside down
-
in a cage
-
definitely deceased, dead
-
, an ex parrot
-
living in Cyprus
-
to baldly go
-
where no hair
-
grew since the
-
dawn of time
-
on account of
-
follicle free areas
-
being declared by
-
BM's barber when
-
he found evidence
-
of no growth
-
unless Viagra was
-
a Greek substitute
-
for normal growth
-
caused when watching
-
in the Minema
-
DVDs of dubious
-
authenticity, involving Miss
-
Demeanor dressed as
-
Super Tank Woman
-
Super Tanked-up Woman whistle:
-
in a bikini
-
or a Mojito
-
filled swimming pool
-
with lime and
-
a slice of
-
lightly buttered bread
-
and yerba buena
-
the Spanish diva
-
hoping to upstage
-
the karaoke queen
-
who was doing
-
my head in
-
not only my
-
head, but all
-
the king's horses
-
exhausted after competing
-
for the thrill
-
of winning the
-
race against time
-
with Catherine t'Great
-
the Yorkshire tyrant
-
whose Barm cakes
-
were even barmier
-
than Nick pretends
-
he is Napoleon
-
Solo from U.N.C.L.E.
-
the well-known spy
-
in a bathtub
-
found to be
-
crossing the channel
-
to get to
-
Madame Carla Sarkozy
-
the fragrant wife
-
, looking quite shaggable
-
despite her inevitable
-
and unquestioned fidelity
-
, high fidelity at
-
low, low prices
-
that's her husband
-
on the label
-
in all his
-
pomp and shortness
-
of breath, caused
-
by too much
-
asbestos inhalation during
-
sanding her leg
-
sorting her lagging
-
stopped her drips
-
with Tena ladies
-
and some twenties
-
stuffed up the
-
hem of her
-
little black dress
-
which was worn
-
on special occasions
-
when mere morstals
-
(tea and crumbs)
-
cheese and biscuits
-
you're crackers M'Lord
-
Quite, Gentleman's Relish
-
You're nuts M'Lady
-
said Parker, driving
-
at speed over
-
her long pink
-
trailing Pashmina wrap
-
causing Lady Penelope
-
some minor irritation
-
around her throat
-
, neck and bosom
-
as it tightened
-
like the scarf
-
held by t'Hood
-
(like Isadora Duncan)
-
and Grace kelly
-
but not Diana
-
headlined the Express
-
Dairy Milkman, outed
-
as Ernie the
-
least funny character
-
after the apostrophe
-
and before the
-
end of days
-
or apocalypse now
-
even before 'It'
-
and 'Clockwork Orange'
-
and other dystopian
-
or perhaps neo-apocalyptic
-
complex terminology to
-
intimidate the masses
-
into submission by
-
leaving them baffled
-
yet in awe
-
of superior beings
-
wot we are
-
never gonna be
-
'cos we is
-
lowest of low
-
passing under snakes
-
while walking upright
-
on our hands
-
back to back
-
leapfrogging over bollards
-
with gay abandon
-
"I should cocoa"
-
exclaimed Miss Channel
-
who was examining
-
the tabloid newspapers
-
her intention being
-
to find the
-
astrological predictions for
-
the 3:30 at
-
Brighton (probably Hellbender)
-
said tipster Mort
-
the bookies friend
-
and fast runner
-
in hamster wheels
-
trendy trainers and
-
bright yello lycra
-
clinging to curves
-
cracks and crevasses
-
in an emetic
-
bag located in
-
the bum bag
-
around the slim
-
-hipped and svelte
-
-lana the Russian
-
ladyboy, masquerading as
-
a Lycra clad
-
fitness instructress who
-
Green Goddess like
-
an emergency pump
-
to hand, a
-
nostalgic view of
-
the burnt out
-
Mitsubishi Evo GSR
-
on the A127
-
not in Hale
( http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-11181277 )
Brighton (probably Hellbender)
Signora Frasi at 9-1, just as well I didn't see your tip till this morning Uncle
-
where Mancurians drive
(It placed: I had it covered happy088)
-
and Police play (allegedly of course, I'm sure it was all innocent and well meant) angel1
-
boy racer games
-
, falling down steps
-
, drunk last night
-
the night before
-
and every night
-
until saturation point
-
means delirium tremens (ooh, get me)
-
for sure but
-
what about the
-
unsaturation point which
-
caused the tremors
-
on South Island
-
, recently visited by
-
people from other
-
planets, such as
-
ever popular Uranus
-
, Greek God of
-
music hall jokes
-
loved by many
-
of the elderly
-
and less discerning
-
patrons of the
-
Order of Rechabites
-
commonly known as
-
Wayne, Tracey, Bob
-
Rita, Sue and
-
Lucien, who was
-
oddly different from
-
a rampant rhino
-
except her huge
-
toe nails which
-
were going black
-
because whilst hammering
-
and drinking Pinot
-
she dropped her
-
tankard which fell
-
on her foot
-
-long hotdog, which
-
covered in mustard,
-
was strategically placed
-
, exactly aligned with
-
the magnetic meridian
-
otherwise known as
-
the Lay Lines
-
where lions lay
-
In de jungle
-
the mighty jungle
-
wim a way
-
all new cleaner
-
and brighter future
-
orange being the
-
the best shade
-
and nicest aroma
-
of domestic and
-
homely cosiness, however
-
things change when
-
when dark clouds
-
gather overhead and
-
follow you wherever
-
you lay your
-
Cloak over puddles
-
or troubled waters
-
cloud9:
to soak up
-
excess liquid seeping
-
from beautiful eyes
-
,hooks and Velcro
-
moustaches like pantomime
-
walruses, who's flippers
-
a dolphin, who
-
swam with porpoise
-
sardines and mackrel
-
were noticeably absent
-
due to over-fishing
-
by burly trawlermen
-
in Spanish boats
-
coming over here
-
stealing our fish cussing:
-
under the pretence
-
of the EU's
-
Anti-UK Directive (fish4us)
-
thieving foreign b@st@rds cussing:
-
should be made
-
to swim home
-
smothered in goose-fat
-
a party game
-
invented by camp
-
and effeminate butchers
-
sliding up the
-
greasy butchers hook
-
or petard if
-
they are hoist
-
with one's own
-
or Womans Own
-
with free gift
-
adhering to the
-
front of the
-
firing squad, surprisingly
-
ill-equipped with only
-
paintball guns and
-
a powder puff
-
which smelt faintly
-
of Bunny Girl's
-
Bunny gerl is
-
Hare brained and
-
pigeon toed but
-
tastes great with
-
taters and neeps
-
or in curry
-
or fanatically boiled
-
, steamed and sautéed
-
sliced and diced
-
and served on
-
a bed of
-
banana leaves and
-
fragrant dancing girls
-
doused with oils
-
then set alight
-
that's just kinky
-
and against all
-
probability, however blind
-
the mice were
-
in the windmill
-
where Windy Miller
-
ground his husk
-
making the evil
-
PC McGarry #452
-
choke on his
-
Fluorescent night stick
-
Lovingly caressed by
-
Lolita and Looby-Loo
-
, here we go
-
here we go,
-
here we go..oh...oh
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQR9bw-4R08
-
again, she cried
-
not being satisfied
-
with one glass
-
eye, polished to
-
gleaming perfection with
-
Autoglym, only £5.99
-
from participating stockists
-
she wanted much
-
more than that
-
so in desperation
-
she phoned the
-
Samaritans who recommended
-
going to Switzerland
-
, making a will
-
and a way
-
with words which
-
got her into
-
the free gym
-
and free Willy
-
Wonka's chocolate bar
-
milk, not plain
-
or white because
-
she disliked dark
-
meat, despite its
-
reputation for enhancing
-
skin texture, hers
-
being rhinoseros like
-
also Rhinoceros like
-
sorry, my mistake
-
whispered the hound
-
being thin skinned
-
but wet nosed
-
proving how healthy
-
and glossy coated
-
(mangy patches excluded)
-
dogs could be
-
popular in Korea
-
, lightly sautéed with
-
garlic, garlic, and
-
a nice chilli
-
though unpleasant chillies
-
could be found
-
if you looked
-
in unkempt gardens
-
where the shed
-
formerly known as
-
"Le Palais, Hammersmith"
-
where The Kinks
-
Lo, Lo,Lololollalled
-
Lo, Lo,Lololollalled
::), went dancing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gs2kFrGluKs
-
prancing, mincing and
-
and not listening
-
because their ears
-
were full to
-
the brim with
-
wax and other
-
gungy, gooey stuff
-
emitting obnoxious odours
-
and oozing down
-
the side of
-
their necks and
-
dripping slowly onto
-
shapely naked shoulders
-
Tattooed with pictures
-
of serpents, devils
-
among other things
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs2.postimage.org%2FFmXRA.jpg&hash=7ec6a3a0303a8a01e665eaf1d96b329ca3d0fbf0) (http://postimage.org/image/2bzowr23o/)
-
totally tasteless and
-
there for life
-
, or fifteen years
-
with good behaviour
-
completely unacceptable in
-
the current climate
-
which is Autumnal
-
in every sense
-
and sensibility by
-
Jane Austen who
-
wrote awful books
-
, cross-dressed, para-glided and
-
lived in Hampshire
-
where hurricanes hardly
-
ever are named
-
after female novelists
-
or before male
-
writers have thought
-
of any witticisms
-
, epigrams or funny
-
retorts, resorting instead
-
to ad-hominem attacks
-
too much Dancing
-
singing, drinking and
-
carousing all night
-
only going home
-
to big trouble
-
as cocks crow
-
or get amputated
-
eeek: that sounds painful
-
allegedly it is
-
like crushed nuts
-
hundreds and thousands
-
Jelly Tots and
-
assorted confections sprinkled
-
liberally over the
-
floor of the
-
ladies, after Miss
-
D had finished
-
her carthorse impersonation
-
and hosed down
-
her steaming flanks
-
and wrinkled hose
-
, whose colour had
-
paled from shock
-
of falling from
-
the second floor
-
to the ground
-
round her ankles
-
Lucy Lastic eh?
-
worn and snapped
-
by passing Paparazzi
-
lurking behind the
-
seriously overgrown bush
-
Nick's the expert
-
, so's Miss C... angel1
-
not one message
-
or a massage
-
with extra's included eyes:
-
for a price
-
that's half the
-
price it used
-
to be, before
-
bogof came in
-
now sold out
-
to the Russians
-
, please Mr Frost
-
don't freeze me
-
bogof pleaded in
-
a pitiful voice
-
Jaaa want cashback? censored:
-
muttered the till-girl
-
NO! Shouted Snoopy.
-
enraged yet again
-
At going shopping
-
a chore he
-
Hates, loathes, abhors! evil:
-
Nick recommends online
-
ASDA I too!
-
he punned (badly)
-
he punned (badly)
Tescos to show razz:
-
Oh good grief!
-
Best punditry yet spider:
-
Ocado about nothing
-
surrender:
-
Snoops broke it
-
I gave up sad24:
-
Part Italian Snoopy?
-
eeek: I didn't reverse!
-
who did then?
-
I blame him whistle:
-
must be true
-
, unless liability is
-
vicarious or not
-
to be taken
-
roughly from behind
-
by a pirate
-
or any ruffian
-
or turnip grower ;D
-
, an honourable calling
-
in the underworld
-
, or even underground
-
overground, wombling free
-
, bloody earworm, thanks evil:
-
to Mike BATT
-
and Captain Beaky
-
or hissing Sid
-
, Timid Toad or
-
the true story eeek:
Captain Beaky shot his load
Right up the arse of Timid Toad
Now Timid Toad he smelled a rat
So slipped a length up Batty Bat
Batty Bat let out a howl
And grabbed the balls of Artful Owl
Artful Owl said "I liked that"
And gave a wank to Reckless Rat
Reckless Rat, he flipped his lid
And tried to gobble Hissing Sid
Now Captain Beaky went to court
To face the charges that Toad had brought
The summons bought against him meant
He'd fucked poor Toad without consent
"Is this true?" said Justice Pig
"Poor Timid Toad you tried to frig?".
"It's true said Bat. "I saw it all
Beaky's only got one ball."
"One ball or not," the judge did say
"Poor Toad is in the family way."
Now Captain Beaky's off to Rampton
To have six inches off his hampton.
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ft0.gstatic.com%2Fimages%3Fq%3Dtbn%3AV1VczkjJwnmAOM%3Ahttp%3A%2F%2Fi.pbase.com%2Fu38%2Fbuzz_be%2Fupload%2F24772051.chuckbrownohgoodgrief.bmp%26amp%3Bt%3D1&hash=8ed0a2f17d11c7beab4d854d6fdee6942bfc1382)
-
said Captain Beaky
-
and his band
-
of very merry .......
-
more inebriated really,
-
Totally pissed TBH
-
, however, it's permissable
-
to drink pints
-
of Vodka when
-
the situation calls
-
for Miss D
-
she responds rapidly
-
shutup: shutup: shutup:
-
to light fingered
-
shutup: shutup: shutup:
-
Plaster mouth sealed
-
Filthy mind restrained ;)
-
only by chance
-
for a moment
-
at least twice
-
the amount of
-
normal potty mouth
-
usually associated with
-
lavatory makers and
-
Kilroy was here
-
complete with permatan
-
and sycophantic audience
-
all overweight, unemployed
-
ideal parliamentary candidates
-
of the worst
-
and most prevalent
-
rumours known to
-
turn journalist's heads
-
180 degrees, not
-
the optimum 360
-
which would be
-
"Double Top" finish
-
not 'Gold Top'
-
or even Woodentop
-
possibly top notch
-
head board notch ..........
-
or notchless panties
-
new or used........... whistle:
-
open all hours
-
from crotch to
-
knit one, pearl
-
harbour, a disaster
-
of a movie
-
with special effects
-
outshining the script
-
, not difficult given
-
the awful cast
-
sacked by Crossroads
-
directors and Coronation
-
chicken vendors, who
-
would spit in
-
unison on Fridays
-
and Wednesdays, notwithstanding
-
bank holidays and
-
royal weddings, these
-
reasonably rare events
-
occur too frequently
-
or part thereof
-
the part being
-
cold and small
-
much like BM's
-
machine turned nipples
-
which were frozen
-
to -50ºC and
-
as brittle as
-
dye cast nipples
-
thrown in Wales
-
, manufactured in Brumijem
-
bubble-wrapped in Cheltenham
-
lost in transit
-
, Ford and digestive
-
means excessive dunking
-
and consequential blisters
-
on thumb and
-
forefinger, big toe
-
used for other
-
dunking related activities
-
, been there, done
-
bathtap and fire-brigade
-
, Mickeys Fire Brigade
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gVSVU0QdEQ
(with graphic dunking scene)
-
Disney does waterboarding
-
down Splash Mountain..
(your ride will start momentarily...warning...you will get wet...that is all)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1_qhQqP-RE
-
creating considerable interest
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fforum.l0lz.com%2Fmembers%2Fadmin-albums-wet-t-shirts-picture526-wet-t-shirt-close-up.jpg&hash=1ad5e3d5cc1fdea8c326255031e482f0471e56c5)
-
amongst nipple fetishists
-
armed with grease-guns
-
and puckered lips
-
waiting always for
-
coldsores and cracks
-
to appear from
-
their ear lobes
-
(elongated, like Buddha's)
-
elongated ear lobes
-
which were adorned
-
with Bet Lynch
-
Style gaudy earrings
-
and perfectly matched
-
the gold knickers
-
purchased by BM
-
along with a
-
partridge in a
-
Partridge Family DVD
-
, a stocking filler
-
with Polyfilla inserts
-
disguising the awful
-
nooks, crannies and
-
other secret places
-
revealed by Wikileaks
-
As reported in
-
Mrs Dales Diary
-
not Darwin's dairy
-
Which were burnt
-
at the stake
-
like a frazzled
-
yet strangely alluring
-
spicy chorizo sausage
-
Given a lift cloud9:
-
What? eeek: The sausage? eeek:
-
mind working overtime noooo:
-
In a perverse
-
, predictable Tipsy way
-
hither and thither
-
thither and hither
-
, a free spirit
-
and a beer
-
-bellied Barman, who
-
like all beer-bellied
-
men excited women whistle:
-
who indulge in
-
fantasies about JOM
-
ho ho ho
-
, the lyrics to
-
JOM's nightly prayers
-
Muttered with piety
-
kneeling while facing
-
Temptation, Ho's-R-Us finest
-
tool to harvest
-
Darwin's turnips which
-
were quite ready
-
to be pulled
-
into shape with
-
a short sharp
-
shock to the
-
Turnip Growers' Association
-
, a fine body
-
whose exceptional renown
-
was frequently impugned
-
but could never
-
Well, maybe once
-
upon a time
-
In a place
-
far far away
-
Or very small
-
area for discussion
-
discussions being a
-
mire of complexity
-
and differing opinions
-
requiring discreet judgement
-
if one cares
-
To pontificate for
-
all your life
-
and into the
-
afterlife...if there
-
is one...query
-
, or maybe not
-
said the Pope
-
as he stroked
-
fluffy white pussy
-
belonging to the
-
elderly Mother Superior
-
who was spritely
-
despite her worn-out
-
bar of soap
-
, cracked and caked
-
with pubic hairs
-
grey and crusty
-
like knickers belonging
-
in the laundry
-
which incidentally was
-
flooded recently by
-
an influx of
-
grey crusty knickers
-
the depth of
-
depravity couldn't explain
-
why a farmer
-
called Giles had
-
planted turnips instead
-
of hemp, which
-
made far more
-
than enough rope
-
to hang a
-
pair of grey
-
squirrels from if
-
their nuts didn't
-
dangle so far
-
down onto the
-
cold and frosty
-
rapidly returning winter
-
vegetables and seasonal
-
produce for which
-
supermarket chains underpay
-
then overcharge customers
-
Amen to that
-
, so be it
-
said unto thee
-
Three men from
-
BT, fixing Nick's
-
head to the
-
optic fibre board
-
with blunt nails
-
, rusty screws, superglue
-
from BM's toolbox
-
his cricket-box being
-
used as a
-
thimble by LL
-
Who's dexterous finger
-
got infected by
-
Barman's middle stump
-
with no bails
-
coloured or otherwise
-
, except black sometimes
-
and blue others
-
or blues brothers
-
purple poppers or
-
purple poppers or
green Velcro, despite
-
being allergic to
-
keyboard playing cats
-
mangey and flea-bitten
-
, well known solicitors
-
Of ill repute
-
and huge briefs
-
such as Rumpole's
-
,he of the
-
witty legal quip
-
,the horse-hair wig
-
and small cigars cloud9:
-
rolled on the
-
floor in Harrods
-
Steptoe's back yard
-
frequented by Hercules
-
landing and taking-off
-
fully loaded with
-
imaginary cats, dead
-
parrots and cakes
-
of all sorts
-
liquorice, sherbet dips
-
for Billy Bunter
-
the howling ass
-
of the Remove
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DfuVQJdA-z8
-
Fagged for Bob
-
The Builder, who
-
couldn't fix the
-
hole in my
-
shoe, which was
-
letting in water
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hgJD0nbmtU4
-
that dripped down
-
from white geese
-
Poised for flight
-
or oven ready
-
basted to perfection
-
and accompanied by
-
BM on Kazoo
-
Hitler on vibes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Bxv_HLwT7U
-
Pastis on the
-
high-proof anise
-
As usual, however
-
in your absinth
-
her heart grew
-
cold and bitter
-
like VP coffee
-
on a good
-
day, with biscuits
-
for dunking, and
-
plenty of tea
-
leaves to read
-
disaster and misfortune
-
tall, dark stranger
-
became short, grey
-
, wearing a waistcoat
-
or beige cardigan
-
with leather elbows
-
And a zip
-
With a willy
-
Wonka gold ticket
-
clutched to his
-
heaving breast, gasping
-
like a fish
-
out of touch
-
with sharks and
-
wearing shirts..... like. lol:
-
, Lycra shorts, enhancing
-
lumps and bumps
-
twists and turns
-
Cormorants and shags...........
-
both the same
-
as twins, like
-
peas and mange
-
tout, the twins
-
of evil, living
-
but half dead
-
, luckily top half
-
was functioning normally
-
,considering the evolution
-
of the species
-
had degenerated after
-
contact with Nick
-
by the aliens
-
with anal probes
-
and crop circles
-
, discarded foil hats
-
and turnip heads
-
which, although comfortable
-
chaffed slightly around
-
Wurzel's dirty neck
-
despite his hessian
-
and his hussian
-
and several Russian
-
KGB officers, not
-
Bond, James Bond...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ye8KvYKn9-0
-
Nor Basildon Bond
-
or Bond Street
-
or even Brooke-Bond
-
but never Jenny
-
of the fourth
-
largest mouth in
-
Sometimes Sometimes Land
-
where Nick dreamed
-
his phantasmagoric images
-
lurid and multicoloured
-
that swirled around
-
his vacant skull
-
and came out
-
of the closet
-
with a limp
-
Snug Club member whistle:
-
but not smug
-
limp member as
-
they are generally
-
mostly due to
-
poor blood pressure
-
or tight Speedos
-
stretched and threadbare
-
bulging over a
-
mahoosive beer belly
-
that took years
-
of nurturing and
-
tenderloin loving care
-
on the NHS
-
you'll be lucky
-
lucky lucky lucky..
-
I should be
-
A Kylie fan.......
-
gold hotpant worshippers
-
need psychiatric help
-
take yourself in-hand ......
-
and enjoy the
-
absence of sanity
-
Albeit temporary because
-
euthanasia is legalised
-
quite rightly, so
-
some people should
-
But probably won't
-
or perhaps can't
-
whose a whole.......
-
in the ground
-
A water main ............. whistle:
-
-tenance man mainly
-
on the plain
-
or on the
-
drain, cracked, leaky
-
like VP urinals
-
Spewing forth noxious
-
clowns and fumes
-
Which hovered alarmingly
-
over the cooker
-
coalescing into a
-
garlicky aroma, enhanced
-
by the fruity
-
spicy, aromatic, fragrant
-
yet somehow pungent
-
odour of ammonia
-
emanating from the
-
dog basket, which
-
was thrown out
-
along with Snoopy
-
and dead Jim
-
-kana ponies belonging
-
to the Duchess! eeek:
-
horseface herself, Camilla?
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimstars.aufeminin.com%2Fstars%2Ffan%2Fcamilla-parker-bowles%2Fcamilla-parker-bowles-20050713-54349.jpg&hash=7661c0cb080175d7306a49c681cad963cf46e322)
Not my ponies! sad32:
-
she cried pitifully
-
to Big Ears
-
, jug ear's uncle
-
, twice removed and
-
still grew back
-
bushier than before
-
mange notwithstanding, as
-
with sitting down
-
on the throne
-
infected bald patches
-
and Baldy's twitches
-
, cos all ornithologists
-
Drink cider nightly......
-
to see birds
-
In the park........... whistle:
-
bending over benches
-
awaiting the beak
-
Of the heron......
-
sharp and vicious
-
like Anne Robinson
-
on speed. twitching
-
, ducking and diving
-
a ginger dominatrix
-
, bit like Nick...
-
an imaginary pussy
-
, Brazilian of course
-
Dancing a samba
-
to Carlos Santana
-
and ensemble who
-
sang "Ohyeah comb-over"
-
,Kumbaya my Lord
-
said the welsh
-
Assembly after much
-
wheeling and dealing
-
snooping and prying
-
translating the gobbledegook
-
yn cyfieithu 'r Llanfairpwllgwyngyll-gogerychwyrndrobwll-llantysilio-gogogoch
-
which actually means
-
Some stuff about........
-
gobbling and gooks
-
colloquial sheep names
-
The Ark Royal?
-
Full of seamen ...........
-
and Master Bates
-
, roger the cabin-boy
-
Not again please.
-
Meanwhile, the archbishop
-
invited the choirboys
-
and the Nuns
-
habitless of course
-
just wearing soap
-
cos soap in
-
the hole causes
-
lots of bubbles
-
when washing parts
-
that produce gas
-
smelling of rotten
-
eggs bacon and
-
Barman's old socks
-
Brats holiday washing........ whistle:
-
stinky, wet and
-
Covered in alot......
-
of creamy white
-
chocolate from Belgium
-
alarmingly looking like
-
Nestle's Milky Bar
(and it will always be Nessels like when I was a kid, not Ness-lay)
-
wrapped in foil
-
, to foil the
-
fillings will hurt
-
as will the
-
Paper cuts which
-
slice your fingers
-
like a mandolin scared2:
-
or a ukulele
RIP Mozo
-
Mozo cloud9:
as played by
-
not a clue
-
. George Formby would
-
Grill it well .....
-
and let it
-
lead the way
-
Show it all
-
the beauty it
-
possess inside because
-
the greatest love
-
is the first
-
Beer on a......
-
hot tin roof
-
or glass menagerie
-
maintained with Windolene
-
which clears up
-
all unwanted smears
-
cos wanted smears
-
are NHS procedures
-
that keep nurses
-
busy with stirrups
-
and tortuous instruments
-
making men cringe
-
While laughing evily
-
as the catheter
-
is inserted violently eeek:
-
making eyes water
-
crying with joy
-
-strings, singing hymns
-
much hand wringing
-
also some necks
-
two, if only redface:
-
Tipsy's Oyster card
-
confusticates the machinery
-
making it grind
-
and go faster
-
until things got
-
on the telly
-
with Roger Mellie
-
, George Melly and
-
his flambouyant clothes
-
and The Feetwarmers
-
Ragtime Jazz Band
-
played on, until
-
Jools Holland said
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpassionforcinema.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2Fthe-end-031.jpg&hash=abd3cda0269aa559a5d95fe55f23f2a580035e7e)
-
until next time
-
or the repeat
-
to be shown
-
on every channel
-
, "another chance 2C"
-
The Deux Chevaux
-
upside down pram
-
in "Battleship Potemkin"
-
pokemon is good
-
so is Asteroids
-
but not hemorrhoids
-
bunch of grapes
-
seedless of course
-
, ripe and ready
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs1.postimage.org%2F2xdvqxtqc%2Fgood_wine_1.jpg&hash=c5a2d03ebdef671f38a70e7bbb9b3117c6a55e76) (http://postimage.org/image/2xdvqxtqc/)
-
lol:
soft to touch
-
full and fruity
-
like Nellie Melba
-
or Carmen Miranda
-
pineapple a quiver
-
for holding arrows
-
fletched to a
-
sturdy wooden rod
-
tapered at both
-
ends and resembling
-
Nicks favourite pencil
-
2B or-not 2B?
-
unleaded I 'spect
-
lol: rubber's superfluous then lol:
-
lol: except for chewing
-
or preventing mistakes ;)
-
or subtle stimulation
-
of ear wax
-
clogging up the
-
drains of the
-
great unwashed from
-
Dartford to Stepford
-
Midwich to Amityville
-
Botusflemming to Narnia
-
back to front
-
the same as
-
Snoopy's Friday socks whistle:
-
and Barmans bucket
-
filled with slops
-
and some gravel
-
in equal measure
-
with quick drying
-
nylon drip dry......
-
pants, which chafed
-
giving friction burns
-
, mostly to Tipsy's
-
ladee parts but
-
man parts too
-
And ldv parts......
-
who sponsored the
-
Tour de Cyprus
-
An event which
-
will go down
-
downhill rapidly as
-
a whore's draws
-
or even drawers
-
crayoning and scribbling
-
in joined up
-
Strategic partnership working
-
giving consultants plenty
(Miss D's been on the corporate bullshit course)
-
of focus groups
-
and Fiesta gatherings
-
in aid of
-
Band aid plasters
-
plaster of paris
-
Paris Hilton and
-
Milan and Rome
-
but never Scunthorpe
-
Scunthorpe being the
-
fourth fashion factory
-
far from French
-
maids outfits and
-
starched nurses uniforms
-
itchy and scratchy
-
best taken off
-
to allow relief
-
,much needed and
-
not often found
-
around these parts
-
private or public
-
houses and conveniences
-
not convenient in
-
any practical way
-
unless you try
-
Somersaulting from left
-
wearing a leotard
-
And very large....
-
tiara, scintillating and
-
balanced precariously on
-
coiffured grease laden
-
fish and chips
-
from BM's chipper
-
barmaid called Lola
-
previously called Eric
-
the half a-bee.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MlrsqGal64w
-
who always wore
-
a dead parrot
-
sketch securely pinned
-
to the perch
-
or the trout
-
depending what bait
-
was used after
-
its 'best before'
-
or shrill by
-
mouth the deaf
-
dumb and blind
-
rug munchers who
-
derived great pleasure
-
from eating kebabs
-
with hot chilli
-
and mint sauce
-
but no gristle
-
gristle being bad
-
, depending which gristle
-
one prefers to
-
when compared to
-
sinew ans muscle
-
or other seafood
-
rejected by Miss D
-
as was I sad32:
-
due to miniscule
-
attempts to woo
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi157.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ft70%2Fmonkey_doctor%2FSmileys%2FGhost.gif&hash=ad6d6323ea14ab52134150d77c5f62865ba0885a)
whoooooooo!
-
to-wit as well
-
as lacking manners
-
says she, who
-
Cut your hair
-
off of your
-
hands and feet
-
scrotum and head
-
using a rusty
-
fork and a
-
Swiss army knife
-
Billy Connolly sketch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzRDTEdMhWY
-
with a rusty
-
haired bloke called
-
Nick, who often
-
suffered from misfortune
-
Cookies inserted sideways
-
That'll be Gingernuts?
-
won't it said
-
Biggles to Algie
-
flying low over
-
electricity pylons and
-
nuclear power stations
-
in Japan all
-
were completely fukushima'd
-
by the tsunami
-
which Nick caused
-
on bath night
-
by farting violently
-
when his submersible
-
Thunderbird 4 fired
-
the retro rockets
-
into his loofah
-
Causing said loofah
-
to fly up
-
The drain pipe
-
trousers worn by
-
excessive friction with
-
years of abuse
-
both physical and
-
metaphysically, entities abound
-
despite careful planning
-
, a piss poor
-
outcome was inevitable
-
given the circumstances
-
, the participants many
-
lacked any sanity
-
just like VP'ers
-
with a new
-
make over and
-
a lick of
-
Dulux magnolia eggshell
-
over woodchip paper
-
hiding a multitude
-
of unsightly cracks
-
and bald patches
-
and Nicks windows
-
flavoured for licking
-
honey I'm home
-
spreading yourself about?
-
covered in Marmite
-
and toast crumbs
-
in the bed cussing:
-
of sweet peas
-
pudding with chips
-
on each shoulder
-
to go with
-
A lovely prom........
-
dress, with matching
-
handbag and shoes
-
by Christian Louboutin
-
the gay necromancer
-
There's no answer
-
to that Darwin !
-
there must be?
-
Got me puzzled
-
face on today
-
which is normal
-
on a Friday
-
when wet fish
-
dance and parade
-
like badgers on
-
Mayday with their
-
attitude and tuberculosis
-
and cute little
-
ticks and fleas
-
jumping around merrily
-
along with other
-
reprobates who never
-
cleaned their teeth
-
or polished their
-
Knobs and knockers
-
,a euphamism for
-
nooks and crannies
-
much favoured by
-
bearded laydees having
-
Uncle's beard trimmer
-
which, having arrived
-
needs thorough testing
-
With cheap batteries.......
-
bought from Poundland
-
Just to annoy..........
-
people with 99p
-
stores battling for
-
BM's regular trade...........
-
in quality collapso
-
And washing-machine parts.......... whistle:
-
that arrive late whistle:
-
-r than expected
-
and also wrong
-
mini parts arrive......
-
even later than
-
the ice-cream van
-
which didn't sell
-
Greasy kebabs or.........
-
hair removal cream.....
-
not to mention ...
-
I won't then
-
say a word
-
Tap their phones................
-
then refute it
-
and close down
-
the chicken farm...
-
which was not
-
Due to BM's........
-
chicken choking spree
-
offering any meat
-
to insert into.....
-
his poof pastry
-
, light and flaky, containing...
Gayer:
-
iron and vitamins
-
inducing flatulence and....
-
worms, flesh eating
-
, too much cheese
-
except brie, stilton
-
Wensleydale, said Milliband
-
several times while
-
gurning madly, his
-
bottom lip and....
-
his tongue moving
-
slowly along the....
-
arse crack of
-
the great statesman -
-
, the only statesman
-
that wasn't New
-
Forest born and
-
thick as shit
-
that's forest gumped
-
And BM gubbed..........
-
not once but
-
upon another time
-
, space continuum, splendid
-
mathematical model, combining
-
Differential equations, equilateral
-
and particularly obtuse
-
angles 180 degrees
-
North North West
-
up the Hudson
-
Lady Bellamy cried
-
from the touchline
-
White and dusty
-
Springfield, who often
-
warbled while dancing
-
before taking cocaine
-
and chasing rainbows
-
Zippy, for touching
-
Bungle's big hairy
-
paw groping for
-
maw's hand in
-
the toilet bowl
-
attempting to recover
-
his lost marble
-
Elgin allegedly, but
-
more likely elfin
-
Safety type rules........
-
preventing false teeth
-
crimping pork pies
-
and Cornish pasties
-
glutinous, meatless and
-
generally quite unappetising
-
quite unappetising being
-
the nicest possible
-
thing anyone has
-
ever said about
-
Jordan aka Katie
-
... This forgotten thread
-
Which has been.......
-
resurrected, after considerable
-
time has passed
-
at glacial speed
-
past the titanic....
-
with considerable discomfort
-
because the ice
-
was wont to
-
cause the brass
-
monkeys discomfort due
-
to their falling
-
out of trees
-
Straight into the ........
-
waiting arms of
-
Miss D, who
-
Whilst sunning her.........
-
bare, heaving bewbies......
-
hadn't noticed that
-
the lights had
-
also revealed her
-
to be a
-
tattooed in several
-
hard to reach
-
without a ladder
-
or a snake
-
charmer called Pirate
-
the Floppy, a
-
a latterday piece
-
Gilbert and Sullivan
-
were in love
-
with the Pirates
-
who danced naked
-
despite their tiny
-
feet and hands
-
Conversely, the size
-
of their elbows
-
and their arses
-
(hairless and bleached)
-
because the fashionistas
-
talked out of
-
wearing stockings, snorkles
-
got Nicks attention
-
deficit disorder, well
-
diagnosed as incurable
-
a fact known
-
to a few
-
avid Lancet readers
-
and alien abductees
-
being poked, prodded
-
in Borough market
-
's across the country
-
selling broken biscuits
-
and stale buns
-
To fish wives
-
with sharp tongues
-
and sharper knives
-
than any chef
-
, fishmonger or butcher
-
Serbian or not
-
-tingham ginger resident
-
who appears rattled
-
shaken and rolled
-
by grammatical faux-pas
-
uttered remorselessly and
-
repeated ad infinitum
-
NOT outfinitum, besidfinitum
-
which would cheapen
-
the final chapter
-
of this long
-
and sorry saga
-
THE END.
scared:
-
I am bereft! sad24:
-
Growler is beareft
-
,sometimes bearing left
-
- not politically though -
-
right of Ghengis
-
, a Mongol in
-
thought and deed
-
, day and night
-
As Salamu Alaykum
-
peace on you
-
, you rancid mangy
-
ginger loving feline
-
of dubious ancestry
-
crossing continents because
-
work dried up
-
Like BM's pool ........... whistle:
-
goatless for once
-
and no yellow
-
Deflated life jackets
-
with added whistles
-
for attracting attention
-
When goat hair
-
clogs the filters
-
causing a surprising
-
uprising in the
-
jungle out there
-
makes you wonder
-
why we bother
-
, glad you did
-
otherwise this thread
-
would have gone
-
back to the
-
dogs, who run
-
with the pack
-
of playing cards
-
and play snap
-
it in said
-
the partially deaf
-
dumb and blind
-
pinball player in
-
the amusement arcade
-
tatty and grubby
-
the Irish travellers
-
code of ethics
-
load of bunkum
-
Ethics County Council
-
more ova guideline
-
than a set
-
Or game...match
-
your face, my
-
best heifer's arse
-
pan fried with
-
a pan and
-
frying oil, which
-
fried panwise nicely
-
before setting alight
-
Nick's ginger hair
-
syrup of figs
-
is the answer
-
to brewers droop
-
more commonly called
-
out by disappointed
-
partners keenly anticipating
-
a sticky wicket
-
not a no-ball
-
or a googly
-
or a yorker
-
or full toss
-
a good full-length
-
into the crowd
-
over long on
-
silly mid on
-
a sillier midden
-
the midden crowd
-
Far from the
-
house as possible
-
subject to planning
-
allowing traveller sites
-
to be burned
-
or razed to
-
a higher court
-
with the Judge
-
sober, despite his
-
penchant for bottles
-
of finest single
-
boys from Thailand
-
who glitter like
-
an Eastern Caliph
-
or Gaelic ceilidh
-
Gary Glitter like
-
with no imagination
-
due to snorting
-
too much coke
-
causing the septum
-
to dissolve slowly
-
in the shower
-
clogging up the
-
nooks and crannies
-
crooks and Fanny's
-
unbelievably tight crevices
-
untouched by human
-
hands, except Johnny's
-
used to cover
-
doughnuts like Fanny's
-
husband Johnnie ate
-
while Fanny swallowed
-
into the pool
-
hall frequented by
-
eel anglers who
-
made no sense
-
except to Brummies
-
and East Londoners
-
decked in black
-
decking from B&Q
-
(discounted this Christmas)
-
"Sale Never Ends"
-
signs tattered and
-
tattooed on intimate
-
friends' firm, yet
-
smooth and silky
-
, rough and gnarled
-
rhino like thighs
-
with wrinkled, sagging
-
lobelia and labia
-
Fuchsias and fundaments
-
grammer and spelling
-
apostrophe's and cAPITALS
-
form the plural
-
when plurality is
-
a state of
-
surpassing the singularity
-
and achieving multiplicity
-
by using times-tables
-
but never slide-rules
-
or cuisenaire rods
-
loved by many
-
spurned by all
-
the calculably able
-
tongue-twister feared by
-
all straight-tongued pedants
-
who cannot tell
-
their calculus from
-
daily integrated functions
-
on their abscissae
-
which numerous mathematicians
-
use when changing
-
to the ordinate
-
or even cardinal
-
a bird of
-
loose morals, similar
-
to Lady GaGa
-
and Radio GooGoo
-
from leaking batteries
-
in worn out
-
Portable hand held.........
-
tools and devices
-
, those that vibrate
-
leading to HAVS
-
and haves nots
-
wanting bigger, better
-
bunny ears andd
-
less clumsy fingerss
-
in fingerless glovess
-
worn by Tipsy
-
to show off
-
beautifully manicured nails
-
, 6 inch mostly
-
, 6 inch mostly
It has been a chilly day, hasn't it.
-
Darwin fubar'ed it noooo:
-
so I did redface:
-
to turnips what
-
Snoopy did to
-
any available leg
-
given half a
-
chance, a Bonio
-
can be arranged
-
as a reward
-
not for Fenton
-
much too dear
-
and deer herd
-
preparing for Santa
-
, who is polishing
-
the sledge's runners
-
with reindeer grease
-
obtained in huge
-
vats from Greenpeace
-
who rescued it
-
from candle factories
-
scattered all over
-
Pastis' salty floor
-
like swine before
-
Passover in 2012
-
which looms closer
-
with each passing
-
passover, silly face
-
bloody door's stuck
-
, blow em off
-
, advised Cynthia Payne
-
, a finger over
-
the white cliffs
-
of Dover where
-
we welcome all
-
deserving ethnics, except
-
those with jobs,
-
, qualifications and single
-
sex relationships, preferably
-
sex relationships, preferably
but not essential
-
despite warnings to
-
mind the gap
-
-toothed beauties that
-
rush the doors
-
despite the inevitable
-
download from iTunes
-
which results in
-
Tim Gudgin pronouncing
-
Bolton three, Liverpool
-
should be abandoned
-
to the natives
-
who dress in
-
shellsuits while getting
-
Ready to go
-
giro in hand
-
to the pub
-
Which is selfservice
-
even when closed
-
curtains prevent us
-
, and the plod,
-
with inside intel,
-
and Intel inside
-
in deep undercover
-
In the bush......
-
, not the Brazilian
-
Waxed more lyrical
-
with moist lips
-
pursed for whistling
-
the national anthem....
-
in A flat
-
Or A house........
-
never a bungalow
-
on the seafront
-
That's another storey.......... redface:
-
but not tall
-
Like TMR ................................................said...... whistle:
-
just before he
-
Bought special shoes.............
-
......with stiletto heels
-
To match his.........
-
fetish for mystical
-
Megs previously worn
-
out crystal ball
-
exported to Venice
-
by the obsessive
-
yet strangely serene
-
I love Canada!!!
-
big strong lumberjacks?
earworm alert
-
soldiers on leave :thumbsup:
-
On the bog...
-
Home made curry........ rubschin:
-
ring of fire
-
surrounding the Pacific
-
THW is expert
-
on Pacific Vulcanoes
-
wrote a thesis
-
got a "First"
-
Now need drink :thumbsup:
-
Already got one...... :thumbsup:
-
Page 666 scared2:
-
^^^ Three word story ^^^ noooo:
-
your point is
-
perfect in every
-
way, but one
-
leg is shorter
-
- but which one?
-
The other one ::)
-
, not Jose Mourinho
-
the leg end
-
goes into the
-
track suit bottom
-
Made of lycra
-
far too tight
-
just like BM
-
lord of gays
-
destroyer of minis
-
in a major
-
-domo inspired frenzy
-
resulting in mania
-
slip twixt cup
-
, thirty six B
-
Forty eight a
-
is too big
-
to carry eggs
-
Egg boxes, however
-
make Blue Peter
-
Warmer, unlike Val's
-
sticky back plastic
-
Katie prices kid............ whistle:
(sorry mis-read it ...as sickly black spastic......)
-
at £10 each
-
for a quick
-
brew tea bag
-
inserted on each
-
Or IN each..........
-
Unliely hidden orifice!
-
cloaca and dagger
-
typed and googled redface:
-
Bum information again 😏
-
the mewling train-spotter whistle:
-
wanted a cake
-
smothered in dark
-
woollen, machine washable
-
jumpers from Jaeger
-
Mick and Bianca
-
From East Enders
-
to West Hammers
-
but the Gunners
-
are very quiet
-
after the match
-
because Charlie George
-
, a past hero
-
Is fast asleep!
-
This lovely evening.....
-
for ducks maybe
-
Heuy, Duey'n Louie
-
And uncle McBM.........
-
with early bedtime....
-
, guaranteed to raise
-
then quickly lower
-
the truncheon of....
-
Dixon of Cock
-
Green and black
-
olives from Greece
-
Ethnics from bradford..........
-
supporting Gorgeous George
-
and his sausage
-
munching companions, who
-
preferred it Halal
-
PORK IN CIDER
-
with cream sauce
-
carefully drizzled over
-
the brazilian bush
-
subtly enhancing the
-
lawnmower tattoo etched
-
on the Mountfield
-
Near the tank
-
engine called Thomas
-
That well known...........
-
steam belching anachronism
-
That is Barman!
-
Who loves to.........
-
Play with engines
-
pulling his little
-
tender behind and
-
the fat controller
-
ate the pies
-
and the sausages
-
but not the
-
out of date..........
-
box of eggs
-
Left by the.......
-
conservative Edwina Currie
-
and her lover
-
who deserves a
-
coat of chocolate
-
to enhance the
-
very bad taste
-
of cold curry
-
And the leftover.......
-
sausages, burnt by
-
the pie scoffing
-
politician Eric Pickles
-
who was just
-
about to explode
-
and let rip
-
the pent-up gas
-
with a loud
-
yet very disappointing
-
new avartart, unlike
-
this month's Playmate
-
who would love
-
to tease Nick
-
with a sausage
-
inserted inside her
-
Gap toothed gob
-
reminiscent of Miss
-
spent opportunities like
-
the time when
-
unbeknown to anyone
-
(present company excepted)
-
the voluptuous Miss
-
Anthropy looked desolated
-
isolated, and inebriated
-
Down on her
-
knees and waiting
-
to donkey stone
-
any passing ape
-
or even apc
-
With no car.......... evil:
-
bills to worry
-
however, sore feet
-
and sore head
-
due to constricted
-
, tight and dilated
-
leaking wallet syndrome
-
resulting in a
-
Surfeit oh high
-
court judge resignations
-
which really set
-
plaster of paris
-
as hard as
-
hard can be
-
unless condensation formed
-
in which case
-
dampness would soak
-
into the rafters
-
disturbing the bats
-
and the boxes......
-
made of ticky-tacky
-
Situated on the .......
-
frontiers of sanity
-
where the last.........
-
of the Mohicans
-
had haircuts by.....
-
Teezy Weezy Raymond
-
and wondered why
-
anyone would ever
-
call themselves Raymond
-
Baxter is anyone's
-
Tomorrow's World presenter
-
like Kate Humble... eyes:
-
who likes wildlife
-
like those special........
-
little Cyprus birds
-
And the big.......
-
Turkish birds, forgotten
-
That BM oggles........
-
Miss T when
-
ever he can
-
while APC is
-
Sleeping or drinking........
-
himself to sleep
-
Like a babŷ
-
Crying and shitting..........
-
at both ends
-
like a candle
-
, four of them
-
bending, like a
-
Ronnie Barker lookalike
-
playing Oliver Hardy
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs13.postimage.org%2Fza46p1j3n%2Fronnie_barker_roy_castle.jpg&hash=46048463854ae42aa786b28c0966512feff16f55) (http://postimage.org/image/za46p1j3n/)
-
off against Reggie
-
Kray and the
-
Blues Brothers who
-
definitely weren't orange
-
But were, however,
-
a very strange
-
Looking pair of
-
individuals when compared
-
To the original
-
strangely looking miscreants
-
in the line-up
-
Behind the bar
-
managed by Barman
-
and his Staff
-
-ordshire bull terrier
-
known for showing
-
up at Crufts
-
with a yorkie
-
bar stuck in
-
its fundamental orifice!
-
Saints and Giants
-
we are not
-
we are, however,
-
awaiting the day.....
-
when BM's wallet
-
meets opening time
-
which may result
-
in a world
-
awash with moths
-
eating your clothes scared2:
-
and Barman's wallet
-
spectacles, watch and
-
all his other
-
symbols of grandfatherhood
-
Including, but not
-
slipknot and reef
-
Diving and snorkelling
-
With flippers and............... whistle:
-
BarMan's outrage at
-
the obligatory waterwings
-
On the goat.....
-
-scented budgie smugglers
-
Padded out with.......
-
The cat that
-
Shat on t'mat
-
At BarMan's place
-
which, by now
-
was a sodden
-
and Gomorrah reconstruction
-
Resembling Babel's tower
-
where his shrunken
-
Cojones were hiding
-
amongst pickled onions
-
From Miss C...........
-
And the Moan
-
was heard in
-
the outskirts of
-
Grendon, Northampton and
-
Kettering. These places
-
Are the best.......
-
places to find
-
Wide mouthed frogs......
-
Which you don't
-
Ever touch by......
-
candle-light, even if
-
22 goats and
-
A big dragon.......
-
tell you that
-
pride comes before
-
a roof tumble
-
, a Ruth Ellis
-
trellis, cockney rhyming
-
slangback shoed
-
that was two
-
Blame the finger
-
of fudge for
-
encouraging Barrymore to
-
Clean the pool.......... redface:
-
by removing the
-
The fag butts.........
-
had created a
-
A bolt hole
-
into which he
-
Carefully inserted his
-
bolt cutters, greased
-
with peanut butter
-
(the lumpy sort)
-
perfick on granary
-
so that he
-
might enjoy to
-
spread it thickly
-
together with pickle
-
On top of.......
-
a real cracker
-
not Robbie Coltrane
-
Yes he is evil:
-
No he's not! point:
-
he might be
-
but then again,
-
he might not
-
Miss C's nylons
-
were, of course,
-
the sexiest things
-
You've ever seen
-
this side of
-
the river Styx
-
and stones may
-
tour again, despite
-
Being older than........
-
Freddie Starr's preference
-
for his friends..... whistle:
-
hamsters and little
-
trips to bbc .........
-
and other establishments
-
frequented by slimeballs
-
who never knew
-
how to refrain
-
from sticking their
-
sticky likkle fingers
-
in places that
-
should have been
-
strictly off limits
-
, but accessible to
-
how to fix
-
what ain't broken
-
Without a spanner
-
or pliers which
-
which had disappeared
-
in a puff
-
from the toolbox
-
behind BM's mini
-
malakas, renowned for
-
tinkering with his
-
well greased nipples
-
Snap On tools
-
Where he'd hidden
-
LL's worn crusty
-
the clown costume
-
that frightened Miss
-
isles that exploded
-
prematurely, while watching
-
the second episode
-
of hot milfs
-
And rubbing their......
-
delicate, soft, moist
-
cleansing pads on
-
My soft, but
-
firmly shaped by
-
-ceps, honed by
-
battle axes and
-
The wielding of
-
bike chains by
-
Hell's Angels and
-
demons with spiked
-
Hair and tattooed
-
naked buttocks that
-
Wobble like jelly
-
on a plate
-
carried by Nick
-
With his left.........
-
buttock showing through
-
tan courdroy trews
-
with strange stains
-
, brother of Seaman
-
David the well......
-
...off chap who
-
featured on Pringles
-
tins and adverts
-
for corduroy crisps
-
in various flavours
-
including some remarkable
-
flavours which include
-
badger au gratin
-
served on toast
-
with a rocket
-
and squash salad
-
not with toothache noooo:
-
Maybe with earache
-
never with pancake
-
Always with headache
-
sometimes with heartache
-
Never with faceache!
-
occasionally with panache
-
Or fag ash...........
-
twice with ganache
-
three with viagra...........
-
A hard one......
-
to follow, especially
-
after sweet nothings
-
, a new sweet
-
similar to toot-sweets
-
happy001 sugar free sugar
-
Snap peas that
-
Stick to jumpers.........
-
Like poop to
-
Growlers big hairy............
-
Looking anatomy from
-
The kop end.........
-
during a huge..
-
unstoppable mud slide
-
slip sliding away
-
From the oasis............
-
of calm that
-
that was known
-
to boil over
-
due to sudden
-
images, projected from
-
the mini ma............ eeek:
-
on Barman's Chad-Valley
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1287.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa628%2Fglennhaslamarea3%2FVirtual%2520Pub%2Fchadvalleyprojector_zpscbd8c43f.jpg&hash=b6b04e485b18e8c56dbf6ab60223942b09c3cdc2)
-
or view master ..................(google it you will know it}
-
which had been
-
taken off him.........
-
having been caught
-
showing blue movies
-
in the village
-
people genre, despite
-
himself personally appearing
-
in the altogether . .
-
unremarkable guise of
-
a bucket wearing
-
gay rent boy
-
from the valleys
-
where his customers
-
were constantly overcharged
-
To such lengths
-
he had to
-
Find a new
-
way to entice
-
His current squeeze
-
e mop to
-
Boldly go where
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
-
Boldly go where
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
too many words noooo:
-
Too little time ............. ;D
-
too much parsley
-
In hectors house ...........
-
Where Snoopy was
-
hiding a bone
-
In a greasy...........(awaits JOM... whistle:)
-
Dark and dingy
-
Hell hole under
-
neath the arches
-
down paradise road
-
where seventy-six virgins
-
wearing anti-BM T-shirts
-
and little else
-
were all protesting
-
about the latest
-
BM style aid
-
, the tapa talk
-
or the tapas
-
stalk, famous for
-
Impersonating BM's part
-
finished mini disaster
-
Found in his
-
goat infested pool
-
along with his
-
Bed time cuddler.........
-
and the toys
-
from the pram .......
-
he spat out
-
, one swallow doesn't
-
make Miss Demeanour
-
any more likely
-
to sample the
-
voddy, chocolate, prawns
-
Found in the
-
Christmas Hamper that ...
-
Fortnum and Mason
-
Bottom of her
-
encrusted with barnacles
-
diamonds and emeralds
-
Sapphires and pearls
-
not just any
-
gems and rocks
-
around the Christmas
-
around the Christmas
Island, but atomic
-
Kittens were performing
-
like Latvian triplets
-
getting their clothes
-
ironed by Barman
-
using the goat
-
As an integral
-
if somewhat smelly
-
Part of the
-
underpants left by............
-
Barman's Russian friend
-
Who lives next-door......
-
to Baldy, who
-
Hasn't bought drinks............. evil:
-
because Apey cannot
-
Get BM out.................
-
with his wallet
-
With pocket money...........
-
LL grudgingly supplies
-
a large amount
-
Of those blue................
-
tablets, hoping that
-
once......just once
-
he could keep
-
it up for
-
Sale or rent whistle:
-
rooms to let
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZWvi0MaIZs cloud9: cloud9:
-
Fifty cents. No . . . .
-
phone, no pool....
-
full of goats
-
And kids who........
-
Said - "no pets"
-
Or petting with......
-
surgical gloves because
-
the Christmas tree
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs12.postimage.org%2Farqwscl7d%2Fsurgical_christmas_tree.jpg&hash=09b691a380f5b366186b324faf684ba1ef3c62fc) (http://postimage.org/image/arqwscl7d/)
-
needles would prick
-
resulting in unhealthy
-
infected fingers, which
-
As BM knows,
-
spreads diseases and
-
Cough n sneezes.........
-
infect the sausages
-
With mad cow
-
Fortunately Miss C
-
knowing the last
-
Drop of the,......
-
vodka had been
-
had been hidden
-
st stuttered Pirate
-
scraping his barnacles
-
off of his
-
Bottom, while his
-
Good Ship Venus
-
sparkled when polished
-
you cannot polish........
-
without a duster
-
, a yellow one,
-
with orange binding
-
to wipe Duraglit cloud9: (loved that smell)
-
on your shiny
-
happy people that
-
were waving their
-
oddly shaped little
-
pigs in blankets
-
not sausages wrapped
-
in streaky bacon
-
but constables under
-
the haywain painting
-
doing unspeakable things
-
not spoken about
-
in company but
-
when all alone
-
clutching at straws
-
in strawberry milkshakes cloud9:
-
That are poured
-
with shaking hands
-
over quivering bodies
-
,undressed, naked bodies
-
BM exposing again
-
his nappy rash
-
Soothed when Miss
-
grabbed The Eldest
-
urn of ungent
-
or pungent unguent
-
of timelessness, that
-
is wasted when
-
noses are blocked
-
By the fickle
-
finger of fate
-
Poking around while
-
trying to find
-
Fungus the Bogeyman
-
And stig of...........
-
the dump despite
-
being top of
-
the Christmas tree
-
with baubles, lights
-
tinsel and tasteless
-
chocolate treats wrapped
-
in gold foil
-
In imitation of
-
Never mind the sixties bar its time for a sixty nine with my new friend in paphos happy New year all!!!
-
Back to walls. noooo:
-
ice cream for
-
lack of sausages
-
in Nick's rear
-
Seat of car........
-
during a fire
-
at a funeral....
-
where a ginger
-
gets paid to..........
-
keep the deceased
-
warm while dancing
-
to the organist's
-
sexy funeral samba
-
to which Ginger
-
rogers and fred
-
sing and dance
-
and fell into.....
-
bed with four
-
fat italian poofters
-
combing each others'
-
hairy nether regions
-
whilst strumming on
-
a very small
-
yet perfectly formed
-
,ancient huluhu which
-
is a traditional
-
pig skinned tambourine
-
much loved by
-
the locals of....
-
Pafos Bar Street
-
as part of
-
their daily five
-
shots and the.
-
odd pint of
-
home brew by........
-
a crap brewer
-
called Andy Crapp
-
from Pissouri who
-
had to go.....
-
to bed early
-
after his bottle
-
and nappy change
-
luckily his mummy
-
under the pyramid
-
centre in Portsmouth
-
where the sailors
-
Like to put..........
-
the King's shilling
-
in the slot...........
-
rusted and bent
-
requiring some lubrication
-
ensuring a smooth
-
easy entry into
-
the heavenly delights
-
do not confuse
-
one with t'other
-
and other desserts
-
Like Gobi and
-
Obi-Wan Kenobi
-
who was known
-
As that crazy........
-
fluorescent tube waving
-
cross dressing mincer
-
whose pork sausage
-
appetite was known
-
to be causing
-
mayhem in Nottingham
-
When snowed in.............
-
despite barbequed sausages
-
, hot chicken wings
-
and mottled thighs
-
cut short by
-
a sudden downpour
-
Of Nottingham snow.........
-
an unusual colour
-
black, like pissholes
-
in Nick's garden
-
after the fire
-
Caused by the...
-
total incompetence of
-
the sausage cook
-
standing too close
-
to Growler's exhaust
-
a known hazard
-
Who kicks ballboys...........
-
in the boy's-balls
-
Causing much swelling
-
making them look
-
twice the size
-
of his brain
-
which they are
-
of a similar
-
value to butchers
-
off cuts of
-
minimal nutritional value
-
despite containing some
-
dodgy horse type......
-
faggots and hair
-
care products, which
-
help to regrow
-
ginger hair, that
-
the bucket covered
-
during an embarrassing
-
Episode with that..........
-
Wallace Simpson, who
-
;D ;D ;D
should have never....
-
have entered Nick's
-
flat, without checking
-
the size of.....
-
His "Afghan" rug
-
near the mircowave....
-
and burning ring
-
, ring of fire
-
caused by the
-
hot chicken phall
-
on his sweater.....
-
Which was totally.....
-
knitted by escapees
-
who had tunneled
-
under the garden.......
-
into the asylum
-
Where they have...
-
Growler in chains
-
With his phone........ whistle:
-
dialing premium numbers
-
at extortionate rates
-
to India and......
-
Ordered a curry
-
of wrongful foods
-
Decided by the......
-
Ministeress of Food scared2:
-
Opposed by the ......
-
Virtual pub regulars
-
thanks to laxatives
-
And the figs.....
-
Barman had recycled
-
from the bottom
-
of the swing
-
that had broken
-
due to excess
-
Use by that,,,,,
-
team of jugglers
-
using those ripe.....
-
melons that hung
-
elusively outta reach
-
in your dreams
-
and occasional nightmares
-
that feature Miss...
-
Whiplash's best friend . . . . .
-
Barman gimp in.......
-
the minema alone
-
Apart from his
-
box of kleenex:
-
and a jar
-
of recycled vaseline
-
In order to
-
enjoy the moment
-
while he can
-
because the psychotherapy
-
Clearly isn't working
-
we sadly hear
-
so it's time
-
For a BBQ........ whistle:
-
featuring wrongful foods
-
Decided by food-nazis......
-
and be-axed girlies
-
With battery operated......
-
rhymes with wabbits
-
That reachs the.......
-
places Nick misunderstands
-
like everything else
-
Meanwhile in Bickering
-
Sur le merde
-
where lunacy abounds
-
(That's LA merde)
-
By the way
-
Oh Silly Me
-
exclaimed Vicar Knobbly
-
in his baggy
-
trousers, tatty shirt...........
-
dirty shirt, shirley
-
pulling hair, eating
-
Dirt or 'fish'..........
-
Madness lyrics abandoned cry:
-
A gray day......
-
said Larry Grayson
-
quietly shutting the
-
door, for once
-
while Everhard played
-
his steam organ
-
as the ship
-
was searched by
-
The food nazis.....
-
looking for Fray
-
And his mate.....
-
old Seaman Staines
-
On the black.....
-
figurehead called Sally
-
, Good Ship Venus
-
should've seen us
-
The figurehead was
-
nude in bed
-
sucking an old
-
man's curly wurly
-
Miss D's favourite
-
after creme eggs
-
and cold voddy
-
her daily bottle
-
was soon lost
-
in a place
-
no one could
-
even remotely spell
-
Or find with....
-
a miners helmet
-
with added sensors
-
Placed just on...
-
tip of tongue
-
and created blisters
-
which never healed
-
due to her
-
penchant of licking
-
All those fat.......
-
and frankly unattractive
-
Pink and smelly.......
-
candy shrimps, full
-
and yet amazingly
-
still able to
-
remind you of
-
The time when.....
-
things were clean
-
As distinct from
-
what he now
-
has to endure
-
As a result
-
of that operation
-
That gave him
-
the severe difficulty
-
To bend over.......
-
for big Leon
-
who always looked
-
the worse for
-
wear, despite swinging
-
each way obviously
-
wearing those nice......
-
high heeled wellingtons
-
and gimp mask
-
From BMs collection.......
-
with matching shoes
-
both the same
-
On Sunday night
-
at the Palladium
-
where his entrance
-
with accompanying dwarves
-
Short on the....
-
contraceptive biscuit tin (old joke)
-
went to the
-
limit of his
-
altitude sickness tolerance
-
By waving his
-
extraordinarily short todger
-
In small circles
-
At the amazed.....
-
tourists from Spain
-
watching in amazement
-
Whilst trying to........
-
Take photos from
-
Hidden cameras in......
-
Strange hiding places
-
like Apey's wallet
-
Padlocked, as always
-
the key hidden
-
behind the mirror
-
with two way
-
Three Phase down
-
and out with
-
a mildewed piece
-
Of Foggy's old
-
parrot cage floor
-
The parrot announced
-
that frozen shoulders
-
And goosed necks
-
were from today
-
Free of VAT
-
and BOGOF today
-
while stocks last
-
and that's when
-
the fight started
-
resulting in many
-
claims for compensation
-
from vexatious pensioners
-
Using free lawyers
-
just 50% commission
-
From our compo
-
promoted by androids
-
All from Samsung
-
till the end
-
is nigh, repent
-
Like those guys.........
-
in the film
-
downloaded from that........
-
old PC in...
-
the police station
-
where every night
-
innocent people are........
-
beaten up and
-
photographed by midgets
-
at Gatwick Aiport
-
lol: lol: lol:
where luggage disappears
-
like the Bermuda
-
laundry. Triangle Cleaners
-
Who loose your
-
Stained jumpers and......
-
very expensive rugs
-
And boiler parts.....
-
You end up...
-
posting after midnight
-
After much collapso
-
leading to hangovers
-
and lost contents
-
and offended Landladies
-
Waving their purses
-
and twirling handbags
-
Just like Maggie
-
May...have done
-
Sang old Rod
-
Using a pole
-
dancer from Thailand
-
Perching on a
-
interestingly styled saddle
-
That appeared to
-
reveal that actually
-
what appeared to
-
be of interest
-
was not what
-
it should be
-
however, you could
-
just manage to
-
catch a glimpse
-
Through the keyhole........
-
of the reflection
-
from a piercing
-
with metal ring
-
somewhat rusty because
-
they should never
-
Be dipped in......
-
hovercrafts or eels
-
because it only
-
removes cheap chrome
-
From the dome......
-
used instead of
-
The albert ring
-
road, from where
-
lol:
Nick suddenly appeared
-
in a shitty
-
van carrying rugs
-
full of moths
-
full of moths
lol:
intended for Steve
-
because no meat
-
no matter how
-
much gravy he
-
managed to fake
-
By placing that.......
-
green Oxo cube
-
found down the .........
-
local supermarket's shelves
-
on a friday
-
Meanwhile in Bickering
-
the meat festival
-
Sponsored by the.....
-
Fake Quorn Society
-
a branch of
-
Carnivores R Us
-
And findus the..
-
fillet filleting fisher
-
who usually eats
-
while watching television
-
Shows featuring the........
-
Life of Dobbin
-
and the recipes
-
For hiding him
-
In those tesco.....
-
Ready meals which
-
were never ready
-
due to Dobbin
-
having fallen in
-
Not being dead
-
just stumbling in
-
Like most of.....
-
the VP women
-
who rarely knew
-
where they had
-
left their frilly
-
petticoats and other
-
items often stolen
-
by the cross=dresser....
-
angry he was
-
due to being
-
forced to wear
-
out his tiny
-
supply of cotton
-
knickers and bras
-
Made by the......
-
replicant android dwarves
-
The gatwick version.....
-
possibly the finest
-
Pant technicians available
-
They then made
-
to everyone's surprise
-
Something completely unexpected
-
that offended several
-
Pc minded tossers.........
-
and Arsenal supporters
-
By completely bypassing
-
all accepted standards
-
Set by Miss-D......
-
After much Voddy
-
Of acceptable dress
-
Of acceptable dress
? Do we have a "how does that follow" emoticon?
-
agree with that...
-
so do I
-
moving on then
-
, having said that
-
and considering everything
-
we start again
-
with renewed energy
-
to be used
-
at times naughtily
-
when referring to
-
the VP ladies
-
who make it
-
rather smutty sometimes
-
embarrassing the male
-
posters and also
-
BM who doesn't
-
like to admit
-
which category covers
-
his preferred attire
-
or hormonal swings
-
controlled by alcohol
-
which normally leads
-
to collapsing randomly
-
on saturday night's
-
unfortunately blaiming Emma
-
No-one was fooled
-
much to his
-
dispair and distress
-
and dat dress
-
so very revealing
-
dipped at the
-
very last minute
-
in a vat
-
And social security........
-
And social security........
"Doesn't follow" emoticon needed
-
yep, so imho a quick rewind?
so very revealing, dipped at the very last minute in a vat
of steaming Bovril
-
Coz the marmite .........
-
had been
banned scoffed
-
By v.a.t inspectors.....
-
hastily brought in
-
By Thread police
-
in threadbare uniforms
-
Heading for bear
-
in Morris Minors
-
Running on empty
-
at the speed
-
of dark, apparently
-
all of the
-
sparse crowd laughed
-
when they saw
-
the size of
-
his unkempt claws
-
and lack of
-
visible tonsorial care
-
which lead to
-
in most cases
-
a bear with
-
breath that can
-
Strip old paint
-
and repel camels
-
but not heffelumps
-
which never forget
-
How to navigate
-
around damn roadworks
-
That JOM had,,,,,,,,
-
no part in
-
passing blame to
-
That small bloke......
-
with the enormous
-
Marmite and bovril.............
-
empty jar collection
-
his doctor said
-
that is unusual........
-
having such a
-
strange large object.........
-
protruding from his
-
third eye socket
-
along with several
-
Omelette bearing friends
-
from eggs unlimited
-
the famous group
-
of trumpet players
-
who usually performed
-
while juggling chainsaws
-
in the air
-
losing fingers occasionally
-
in games of
-
Five finger shuffle whistle:
-
that ends up
-
Coming to a
-
town near you
-
if you're unlucky
-
Enough to be
-
near a town
-
where inbreeding abounds
-
(somewhere in Norfolk)
-
springs to mind
-
Meanwhile in Paphos
-
Poo-Poo and Apey
-
rolled with laughter
-
Having both had
-
Marmite laced Collapso
-
Made in heaven........
-
Hidden from MissD
-
in the bathroom......
-
without doors that
-
hide the nasty
-
sights and noises
-
that echo from
-
nooks and crannies
-
but of course
-
you must remember
-
the tilers grout
-
his secret formula
-
milk for goats
-
shaken with vodka
-
Prize for CDB......... evil:
-
that never arrived
-
having been damaged
-
by mutant androids
-
wanting revenge for
-
the lack of
-
android respite care
-
Meanwhile, over by
-
the Cyprus bank
-
BM, Baldy and
-
the other smuggers........
-
moaned and moaned
-
about the state
-
of the pub's......
-
home brewed beer
-
with bits of.....
-
Ravens and Dragons
-
and illegal steroids
-
That BM put.....
-
Amazon orders for
-
my popcorn seasoning......... cussing:
-
extra steroids rescipe
-
For the recipes...........
-
Landlady would prefer
-
BM with muscles
-
never gonna happen
-
due to his
-
admirable noexercise regime
-
Except one arm.........
-
which has become
-
Larger because of......
-
thrice daily workouts
-
with Miss T
-
trying to stop
-
Baldy peering in
-
the large gap
-
from substandard drainworkery
-
that smelled like
-
aggressively flatulent terrapins
-
after eating enormous
-
fishless finger sandwiches
-
purchased from the
-
Cyprus Finance Ministry
-
due to cutbacks
-
At the bank
-
where mutant androids
-
Give haircuts to
-
everyone except Anastasiades
-
who goes to
-
his sizeable vineyards
-
To choke the
-
grape pickers from
-
The other side
-
of the moon
-
the dark side........
-
home to Brats
-
morons and other
-
species that roamed
-
through the VP
-
when BM wasn't
-
dressed up as
-
One legged pirate
-
with a small
-
To medium sized
-
(compaired to normal)
-
if viewed telephotowise
-
(Rather than normally)
-
making it spotable
-
from a long
-
long way away
-
you could see
-
The vacuuous grin
-
usually worn by
-
The Chief Inspector
-
Whilst counting out........
-
his bribe money
-
a tidy sum
-
by anybodies standards
-
enough to buy
-
More than you
-
or indeed anyone
-
Could even dream
-
of Gerontius, or
-
lust and debauchery
-
All whilst partaking
-
of diluted spirits
-
(non-ethereal, that is)
-
some added petrol
-
-ium jelly for
-
sticky fiery nastiness
-
of the nether
-
areas best left
-
out to dry
-
in prevailing winds
-
Which blow from
-
time to time
-
across the neighbour's
-
balcony, overcrowded with
-
odd items of
-
sex toys and.......
-
cross gender attire
-
with nametags of
-
false identities like
-
Suspected of belonging
-
to mutant androids
-
pretending to be
-
infamous VP veterans
-
lost in the
-
Twilight Zone again
-
Meanwhile, back at
-
the psychiatric ward
-
Several regulars were
-
getting very irregular
-
, only going once
-
a week, except . . . .
-
on Thursdays because
-
that's curry night
-
obviously resulting in
-
mahoosive Andrew demand
-
who gets overtime
-
(arse the idiot poster put Andrew instead of Andrex so . . . )
who gets overtime
producing enough Andrex
-
to cater for
-
violent and vigorous
-
movements, that splatter
-
anyone and anything
-
In their path
-
causing much distress
-
Alarm and consternation
-
Claims-R-Us arrived quickly
-
In up-market Aston-Martins
-
overtaking Barman's SLK
-
In a cloud
-
of dust and
-
Hair clippings and......
-
Home brew detritus
-
also sold as
-
ballast for sausages
-
mixed with quorn
-
ears and noses
-
of rancid roadkill
-
but succulent and
-
dripping with tasty
-
special sauce from
-
freshly squeezed toads
-
lizards, turtles and
-
rancid genital warts
-
that medicinal compound
-
only just managed
-
to partially control
-
leaving an unsightly
-
scab resembling a
-
five fingered widow
-
that had lost
-
touch with reality
-
as many do
-
As a result
-
of excess medication
-
for teeth related
-
Soft palate problems
-
made worse by
-
Removing bottle tops
-
with ones teeth
-
those few remaining
-
Did the damage
-
and needed repair
-
straight away ofcourse
-
but tomorrow maybe
-
If appointment available
-
NHS cutbacks permitting
-
which they won't
-
admit to anyway
-
still, there's always
-
the pub which.......
-
Provides bottles opened
-
and watered down
-
for your delight
-
if only temporary
-
and very transient
-
it's your day
-
for cleaning bogs
-
Samantha Cameron shouted
-
Who are ya?
-
Toward a lardy
-
but sprightly old
-
fashioned country gentleman
-
wearing Bear costume
-
Made from tweed
-
recycled of course
-
And leather patches
-
with matching cap
-
and muddied wellies
-
(Green, size nine)
-
all in the
-
cause of science
-
for future generations
-
of Startrek fans
-
taking into account
-
euros and decimalisation
-
that only leads
-
but should follow
-
three paces behind
-
like the wimmim
-
mapless and hapless
-
the usual style
-
of the day
-
centre bowls team
-
came to town
-
by horsedrawn charabanc
-
Driven by that.....
-
bloke from Emmerdale
-
Coz all corrie....
-
had gone to
-
The kids playground.........
-
in search of
-
the compo kids.....
-
so that the
-
police could interview
-
the anonymous celebrities
-
who fixed it......
-
so many times
-
to knockout one.......
-
or maybe 3
-
being helped by......
-
a fat waiter
-
and skinny chef
-
with terminal acne
-
that provoked nausea
-
in Carmelite nuns
-
with dirty habits
-
which they laundered
-
by diving into
-
a pond at
-
Disney's adultworld resort
-
pursued by hordes
-
of tabloid journalists
-
wanting to know
-
any juicy scandals
-
about the people
-
they're jealous of
-
incase their not
-
invited to partake
-
in the evenings
-
of riotous debauchery
-
held at the
-
non virtual pub
-
Monday to Friday
-
dawn til dusk
-
joining is optional
-
PayPal is accepted
-
but only for
-
those without cash
-
for services rendered
-
Meantime in Bickering
-
on Saturday night
-
Misty is singing
-
for the pleasure
-
of the massed
-
people of the
-
pisstaking poets party
-
also known as
-
hearing difficulty awareness
-
from over-indulging in
-
self praise and
-
collapso and worse
-
Preparing for the
-
next VP shut-down
-
won't be one
-
so BM promises
-
I trust him
-
someone has to
-
string him up
-
using his string-vests
-
to catch crabs
-
mutant android crabs
-
that have arrived
-
via Fedex Express
-
at the door
-
eClipboard in hand
-
wanting to know
-
is Bwian there
-
to play today
-
at answering Yahoo
-
wiff Nick too
-
preoccupied with Oafs
-
to be bovered
-
but Bwian declines cry:
-
his new wumman
-
had wisely intervened
-
in the trouble
-
at the mill
-
on Saturday night
-
after the wedding
-
of Miss D
-
To the new......
-
of her dreams
-
having drunk something
-
like pink gin
-
with special eyes: additives
-
for the pleasure eyes:
-
of feeling smooth
-
supple and fresh
-
almost like new
-
silk boxer shorts
-
clean on today
-
Every DDay anniversay
-
But not commando
-
just moth eaten
-
like Apey's wallet
-
Who opened it...... eeek:
-
Is a mystery
-
the manhunt continues
-
Led by that...
-
dapper young Poirot
-
Assisted by Hastings
-
Max and Clifford
-
;D ;D ;D
those well known........
-
music hall artistes
-
Whay a battle
-
Custard pies primed
-
for Bunter's return
-
From operation yewtree.....
-
Tabloid backhanders spent
-
days searching his
-
? (do we need the No Sequitor Police?)
days searching his
padlock pockets for
-
rusty old padlocks
-
from turnip warehouses
-
whose valuable contents
-
are quickly going......
-
to swell BM's
-
old pillow cases
-
Before being surreptitiously
-
emptied to pay
-
The high price
-
for a bad
-
Delivery of home-brew
-
Murdered Celeb Stout
-
to BM Towers
-
where Landlady fumed
-
and secretly plotted
-
to get a
-
supply of Twiglets
-
to put on
-
the end of
-
Apeys secret stash
-
that Misty raids
-
during moments of
-
greed and depravity
-
which she often
-
says results from
-
a lack of
-
Red Cross parcels
-
and Cyprus post
-
goats being lazy
-
And BM not
-
being very bright
-
The goats were
-
tired and emotional
-
Following their recent
-
barbecue invitation from
-
From which it
-
had to decline
-
like the Euro
-
Nick had found
-
behind the casserole
-
guarded by maggots
-
And flies savouring
-
the thought of
-
a right good
-
fly on fly
-
Raunchy seeing to
-
explained by Attenborough
-
sotto voce like
-
a murmuring stream
-
viewers fell asleep
-
While the flies
-
kept on rogering
-
as flies do
-
on maggoting Mondays
-
Ensuring the casserole
-
is fluffy free
-
Unlike the bear
-
who has disappeared
-
into the woods
-
with a roll
-
and a duck
-
and a bottle
-
of BM's best
-
famous home brew
-
specially formulated using
-
the finest hops
-
skips and jumps
-
that have been
-
Checked for conformity
-
Quality is required
-
But rarely achieved
-
when Growler is
-
Up his ill
-
admiring the view
-
over his beloved
-
fleet of buses
-
And other assorted
-
Bear related vehicles
-
at the circus
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F3.bp.blogspot.com%2F-SpZEKFSuqDg%2FUEaG0nnKcXI%2FAAAAAAAAdLM%2FTV6fmCvJzxk%2Fs1600%2FBear_Riding_A_Bicycle.jpg&hash=31e216fab7129edc9ccda5ffc6428d4c23e86275)
-
Blame Simon Smith
(Google is your friend)
-
lol:
always a baddun
-
Said Alan Price
-
whose brother Half
-
Price says it
-
came from DFS
-
Darwin's Farming Selection
-
;D
Famous for selling
-
Turnips without equal
-
The best potato's
-
for bestest chips
-
in the south
-
dipped in mustard
-
in grotesque error
-
the timid exclaim
-
oh my god
-
:thumbsup:
not goodness then?
-
God kept stmmmm
-
saving the day
-
which Moses invested
-
all his energies
-
in taking tablets
-
to make him
-
ready for action eyes:
-
cos Viagra's cheaper (http://news.sky.com/story/1106503/viagra-price-drop-as-drug-patent-expires)
-
than active implants
-
that pump up
-
Thing's that matter
-
to everyone except
-
The man himself
-
who much preferred
-
a mat finish
-
with eggshell gloss
-
picking out details
-
with pastel shades
-
and weird writings
-
to keep the
-
evil spirits out
-
of the house
-
at Sebastopol Terrace (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sykes)
-
so Hat and
-
Eric could safely . . .
-
fulfil daily routines
-
of pre-Skub comedy
-
Eric's style was
-
pure comedy genius :thumbsup:
-
and sadly missed
-
, whereas happy Foggy
-
wedding rescuer extraordinaire
-
hits every time
-
ear worms optional
-
While cans of
-
whitest white lighting
-
were only available
-
in certain areas
-
under the counter
-
for special customers
-
identified only by
-
lack of knickers
-
and dandruff on
-
famously ginger hair
-
with brown envelopes
-
Protruding from every
-
orifice and crevice
-
that they could
-
not be mistook
-
for anything other
-
than wot they
-
horrifically actually were
-
a way to
-
absorb certain medicines
-
through the various
-
rarely washed areas
-
Hidden beneath layers
-
of dead maggots
-
Busily festering under
-
the misapprehension that
-
they would grow
-
into sentient beings
-
and oust Nick
-
as Deputy PM
-
Which Nick? Clegg?
-
yes of course
-
Couldn't do worse
-
than bucket bonce
-
filled with collapso
-
Wielding his spanners
-
and nipple greaser
-
dressed only in
-
Lingerie catalogue bargains
-
with "toys" eyes: from
-
Baldy's bizarre bazaar
-
Never knowingly uoversold
-
but always enjoyed
-
in a dark
-
secluded room somewhere
-
using supplied lubricant
-
only when required
-
depending where inserted
-
and how welcome
-
other guests are
-
getting totally rat-arsed
-
Home-brew being what
-
should normally be
-
a last resort
-
should you reside
-
where pubs prevail
-
or BM towers
-
before Landlady's clampdwon
-
which leads to
-
terrible withdrawal symptoms
-
earlier than expected
-
in Catholic style
-
not involving choirboys
-
on this occasion
-
Because 70s celebrities.......
-
managed to exhaust
-
each other unnaturally
-
leaving a puddle
-
most walked around
-
by all who
-
went beore him
-
as they struggled
-
with Nick's lesbians
-
while Nick struggled
-
With his own
-
Evil plan after-effects
-
exported to Cyprus
-
hidden in his
-
very large suitcase
-
that TMR slung
-
on the plane
-
with excessive oomph
-
that resulted in
-
injuries to Newbie
-
who was packed
-
off to Hostipal
-
with the worst
-
bruise on his
-
extremely large backside
-
largerer every minute
-
even outgrowing the
-
largest available trousers
-
bought to conceal
-
smallest available thong
-
which is hiding
-
not very much
-
sadly for him
-
botty boil exposed
-
needing a poltis
-
and a poultice whistle:
-
said the expert
-
in bum boils
-
the Lancet says
-
and a poultice whistle:
Ok it was late had been a long bad day ... ohh and I can't spell redface:
That if you
-
. .That if you
lance it carelessly
-
you will risk
-
the worstest horror
-
you could imagine
-
a violent eruption
-
bigger than Eyjafjallajökull
-
disrupting SleazyJet flights
-
including Nick's flight
-
holiday was cancelled
-
Cyprus heaves sigh
-
Apey mourns Twiglets
-
Misty her Nik-Naks
-
Tipsy's eldest suffers
-
from loss of
-
break from Nickabuse
-
which fuels his
-
wish to murder
-
all the gingers
-
drowning in ginger-beer
-
or ginger bear
-
dressed by Steiff
-
who are the
-
bestest for bears
-
in the werld
-
or articulated bears
-
who are cuddled
-
by all sorts
-
of loving people
-
Stiff you say
-
No not dead
-
only stuffed teds
-
Heath not included
-
nor unstuffed Growler
-
if he's found
-
before the trial
-
of the last
-
fireworks going off
-
to welcome Nick
-
to his requiem eveilgrin:
-
He looked angelic
-
bless his little
-
knitted woollen balaclava
-
which he wears
-
With food on......
-
inside out on
-
special days only
-
care in-community days
-
which count as
-
but for nought
-
which is sad
-
we love him
-
despite his gingerness
-
and pet maggots
-
which don't help
-
he will survive
-
hiring a speedboat whistle:
-
only just maybe
-
however the day
-
may just come
-
when Nick doesn't
-
avoid his dopple-ganger
-
then we see
-
the world's end
-
the horror of
-
Nick and the
-
mutant replicant Nick
-
Poor Nick he
-
should feel nothing
-
is his fault
-
as casualties increase
-
and gingers decrease
-
the rest of
-
the rest of
their unnatural behaviours
-
that aquaint to
-
Baldys night out
-
without porridge wogs
-
drinking like men
-
dressing like women
-
not afraid of
-
cottaging young boys
-
in Baldy's imagination
-
but factually correct
-
you wanna believe
-
what they wear. noooo:
-
Under their "skirts"
-
depends on whether
-
the weather is
-
or the regiment
-
and the size
-
of their feet
-
ignoring any maggots
-
in their way
-
or on speedboats
-
Getting very lost.......
-
GPS having failed
-
under the water
-
and upside down
-
Sparking and smoking
-
like a firework
-
which unexpectedly exploded
-
like a badger
-
with excess sprouts
-
proving bovine tuberculosis
-
is turnip caused
-
but exacerbated by
-
Poking a stick
-
or sausage-roll into
-
the oven for
-
An hour at
-
every available opportunity
-
at varied temperature
-
On the middle
-
line of political
-
debates and fisticuffs
-
Taking place in
-
bars and brothels
-
Of darkest Pissouri
-
where business booms
-
like randy bitterns
-
with duct tape......
-
and Lidl scarves
-
for Beakles fans
-
and dancing queens
-
like jock blokes
-
in ginger wigs
-
and small sporrans
-
which is very
-
Hard, to imagine
-
while retaining lunch
-
of badger sandwich
-
brown with pickle
-
crusts removed for
-
easier upward mobility
-
when scooter driving
-
or even riding
-
a Russian hooker
-
living next door
-
with fixed leaks
-
but needs help
-
don't we all
-
ask someone else
-
or Yahoo Answers
-
all solved by
-
Nick's dodgy thoughts
-
noes not Nick
-
Yahoo Banningman said
-
Trust me I'm
-
banning Nick again
-
Oh my goodness
-
gracious me" said
-
Nick's big sis
-
lol:
At her pinkness
-
and Nick's gingerness
-
bless his heart pathead:
-
if not his . . . .
-
battered owld Ford
-
more rust than
-
my old man
-
not mine though noooo:
-
I'm sure not
-
he's squeaky clean lol:
-
or just squeaky
-
or well cleaned
-
by the mistress. whistle:
-
of the day
-
One for each
-
day of the
-
Women's Institute Calendar
-
Jerusalem and Jam
-
and elderly nudists
-
whatever's your bag
-
Worn beneath your
-
every day clothing
-
with quick release
-
fastenings for faster
-
access to the
-
wallet of Appey lol: lol: lol:
-
a place that
-
light of day
-
only saw once
-
Long, long,ago
-
in a galaxy
-
, a Mars bar
-
With Mick Jagger.....
-
Marion Faithful and
-
The Fab Four
-
fingers of Kitkat
-
less fattening than
-
Nick's choccy gift
-
Which is in .......
-
a secret place
-
nice and warm
-
safe and secure
-
under the floorboards
-
by her money
-
and secret vodka
-
unknown to BM
-
because of secrecy
-
we all have
-
except for lapses
-
that's no good noooo:
-
but could be
-
lots of fun
-
poking BM in whistle:
-
the arse with
-
a DVD case point:
-
of Moulin Rouge
-
dancing the Tango
-
sitting on lapses
-
hopefully knickers on
-
if not yuck..............
-
would most agree
-
especially VPs best
-
exotic marigold hotel
-
exotic marigold hotel
where Nick once
-
, twice, three times
-
lunched with Redgrave
-
did the business
-
nudge nudge wink
-
one steamy afternoon
-
far from Cyprus
-
balmy London afternoon
-
cucumber sandwiches and
-
Twiglets and cheese......
-
then threw up
-
into a bucket
-
at the back
-
of the ranger-rover
-
beside the goat
-
in the lane
-
that leads to
-
the back of
-
the cottage where
-
People are entertained
Sent from my GT-I9100P using Tapatalk 2
-
by Barman's dancing
-
Pair of goats
-
and his wife
-
Is the world
-
Going qietly mad?
-
or is it
-
already totally bonkers
-
due to Nick
-
font of lunacy
-
we are all
-
reminded of daily
-
In a weakly
-
veiled local rag
-
Talking about dwarves.......
-
And pC issues
-
and nigger stuff........
-
Never could spell
-
words longer than
-
it takes to
-
make one choke
-
a scrawny chicken
-
who reminds me
-
of that night.......
-
bells began ringing
-
and voices started
-
telling me to
-
to go forward
-
and multiply with
-
into the future
-
labour party manifesto
-
which will ensure
-
that those strange......
-
fucktard politicians will
-
turn London into...
-
a nogo area
-
using PC terminology
-
If I could
-
turn back time
-
oh how I
-
would still make
-
the same mistakes
-
with exception to
-
drink even more
-
travel the world
-
on a wing
-
and a prayer
-
plus 20% VAT
-
for the unwashed
-
on holiday isle
-
not Tescos aisle?
-
such a shame
-
but no tragedy
-
is complete without
-
some redeeming outcome
-
In this case
-
absence of Nick
-
He's in Londonistan
-
Or somewhere else.....
-
On a train
-
Or a bus,,,,,,, whistle:
-
no cow TV
-
till next time
-
remembers cow youtube
-
with great affection
-
at bovine mayhem
-
including cow porn
-
happy001
Nick's favouritest downloads?
-
on an evening
-
with pizza'n pint
-
after the Vic
-
rubbed on chest
-
and nasal decongestant
-
mixed with vodka
-
that will cure
-
hayfever, arachnophobia and . . . .
-
most known illnesses
-
Saving the NHS
-
For the next
-
outbreak of Bickering-Flu
-
which could end
-
civilisation as we
-
the good people
-
(well almost good)
-
of Bickering Village
-
East of Wittering
-
in Mornington Crescent
-
where Nick's favourite
-
favourite Laydee lives eyes:
-
the one without
-
whips and chains
-
or working shower
-
has his own
-
whips and chains
-
in his dudgeon
-
so dark n'damp
-
from the leak
-
in the boiler
-
that's been installed
-
With optional exploding
-
man and buildersbum
-
as worryingly photographed
-
And lovingly described
-
for Radio Nottingham
-
But not T.V.
-
way too graphic
-
public not ready
-
To view the
-
crack of horror
-
In Nick's kitchen
-
where no-one eats
-
just in case
-
they turn into
-
android mutant maggots
-
lol:
like when the
-
casserole was left
-
and left and . . . .
-
everything went green sick2:
-
then turned into
-
a health hazzard
-
for weeks till
-
the maggots overpopulated
-
the whole kitchen
-
then ate Nick
-
while he slept
-
which was regrettable
-
for the entire
-
evil planning community
-
Who badly needed
-
witness protection identities
-
including plastic surgery
-
and hair colouring
-
well tailored clothing
-
(no Burtons shite)
-
Made to measure
-
by local laydee whistle:
-
who thoroughly enjoys
-
all things colourful
-
when taking measurements
-
does with gusto
-
and a smile
-
repeats to check
-
the length of
-
whatever is measured
-
including inside leg
-
most important measurement
-
for that type
-
of tailored garment
-
like a mankini
-
oh noes noes
-
said the assistant
-
not this shop
-
or ever because
-
the last time
-
the zip stuck
-
in his ginger
-
Fur, which caused
-
excruciating pain while
-
Not exactly being
-
an easy reattachment
-
leaving him feeling
-
somewhat short of
-
what ladies expect
-
in normal circumstances
-
in that area
-
however, aided by
-
advanced pubmatic technology
-
Nick exists on
-
$0.000006Million Dollar Man
-
good value if
-
that technology worked
-
manual's are supplied
-
at Baldy's superstore
-
all in Chinese
-
With English subtitles
-
and useless diagrams
-
involving pictures of
-
levers and orifices
-
fun fun fun
-
was the sound
-
of the BeachBoys
The Beach Boys- Fun Fun Fun (with lyrics) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BuTV0E3b3GI#)
-
who were inadvertently
-
photographed in flagrante
-
together with Nick
-
and Olive's sisters
-
an only child... Shrugs:
-
was Nick's alibi
-
when appealing to
-
the hung jury
-
were surely swayed
-
due to Nick's
-
evil planning ruse
-
chirpy cheerful personality
-
that failed abysmally
-
once maggots appeared
-
in his underpants
-
and confused his
-
personal tailors who
-
worked very hard
-
measuring and sewing
-
Sewing and measuring
-
lol:
24/7 and more
-
minor terror attacks
-
by El Kidda
-
and his gang
-
rampaging before dark
-
as headlights broken
-
after BM wired
-
them using string
-
by Baldys manual
-
with wipe-clean pages
-
baby wipes provided
-
should pregnancy occur eeek:
-
whatever the species
-
they'll be loved
-
by someone eventually
-
someone for everyone
-
even mutant androids
-
entitled to love
-
as are gingers?
-
zackly so they
-
don't become extinct
-
survival of the
-
fittest on planet
-
least unfittest actually
-
Blessed are the ........
-
rest of us
-
stuff the meek
-
And big noses.........
-
with big bogies
-
Sewing on buttons........
-
to Bear costumes
-
in lurex and
-
velvet with sequins
-
for weekend parties
-
no paparazzi allowed
-
only Miss C's camera
-
her trusty instamatic
-
she is trusted
-
to keep secrets
-
for all villagers
-
who pay up
-
and buy eggs
-
to throw at
-
the naughty children
-
that had escaped
-
from the workhouse
-
with help from
-
the tunnelling hamsters
-
cunning little rodents
-
with bitey teeth
-
and dynamite sticks scared2:
-
hidden carefully inside
-
well laundered underwear
-
moving very gingerly
-
lol: ^
avoiding premature detonations
-
for fear of
-
death and dismemberment
-
not so cunning
-
or as furry
-
as they thought
-
which happens when
-
their too cocky
-
unlike mutant androids
-
who without feelings
-
or losable gonads,
-
it doesn't matter
-
to other androids
-
because they will
-
reproduce without nookie
-
normal for them
-
but makes for
-
worry for us
-
about self-replicating viruses
-
in android community
-
iPhones hopefully unaffected
-
by obscure signal
-
from Mars base
-
grumpy and friends
-
plotting interplanetary invasions
-
their goal being ......
-
An Inter-gallactic highway
-
for summer holidays
-
With the smug.......
-
who adore having
-
friends and family
-
leave their homes
-
when outstayed welcome
-
"Good riddance you....."
-
Don't rush back
-
we won't write
-
till Christmas card
-
and clean cars
-
are dirty again
-
Kosovan Car-Wash needed
-
to polish well
-
lol:
every crevice Czeched
-
for hungary hippos
-
on good days
-
or 'Happy Days'
-
and bank holidays
-
with crowded roads
-
and idiot grockles
-
with horrible kids
-
just milling around
-
demanding donkey rides
-
and silly hats
-
driving locals mad
-
writing protesting missives
-
in donkey dung
-
indelible and pungent
-
but good for
-
actively heckling politicians
-
who wouldn't notice
-
If the world......
-
moved to Cyprus
-
bereft of Twiglets
-
but compensating by
-
Marmite and bovril....
-
known for healing
-
all woes and.......
-
offending Miss D
-
a darling girl
-
Who loves to......
-
accept a challenge
-
Challenge Anneka reborn!
-
but better looking
-
first challenge announced . . . .
-
accepted and WON
-
and it was . . . . .
-
joy to watch
-
tickets were sold
-
out over night
-
Online viewers delighted
-
as they were
-
agog and fascinated
-
by any drivel
-
or cheap celebrities
-
in sequinned bikinis
-
and great bodies
-
doing their ironing whistle: whistle:
-
while watching porn
-
on blu ray
-
Or blue video....
-
possibly DVD too
-
ironing suffers burns
-
talking to haggis
-
, neeps and tatties
-
lovely traditional fayre
-
for a cold
-
shoulder from Nick
-
some of us
-
should be grateful
-
that this is
-
far from reality
-
and any normality
-
is not expected
-
At that place......
-
In the sun
-
Full of smug.....
-
alcohol drinking people
-
enjoying the benefits......
-
of constant sunshine
-
, limited banking facilities,
-
limited Twiglets supply
-
goats on tap
-
dancing duty Tuesdays
-
singing on Wednesday
-
kebab on Thursday
-
Stock on Friday
-
Saturdays best unmentioned
-
Sunday's for reflection
-
Mondays for resurrection?
-
Then starts again
-
never ending cycle
-
round and round
-
like Zebidee's roundabout
-
or Nick's head
-
lol:
which seems somewhat
-
pointless as exorcism
-
at mates rates
-
when the subject
-
and his breadmaker
-
are already aflame
-
which to rescue?
-
obviously the breadmaker
-
sell on eBay
-
if it werks
-
and daft bidders
-
could inspire him
-
to give up . . . .
-
obsession with sausage
-
always was disturbing
-
to normal villagers
-
both of them
-
when their found
-
the sausages contained . . .
-
various strange ingrediants
-
maggots, quorn, garlic, . . . .
-
not appetising mixture
-
sell on eBay?
-
or anywhere else
-
Car boot sale?
-
On Sunday morning
-
Cancelled if wet
-
good if dry
-
unlike the VP
-
varying every day
-
Slippery when wet
-
like Juicy Lucy
-
and sexy Suzy
-
with baby oil
-
walnuts, gherkins and
-
Marmite alcoholic liqueur
-
passing the bucket
-
with eyes watering
-
and peasants revolting
-
with Mme Guillotine
-
At the ready
-
for any bloody
-
Mary drinkers present
-
Themselves for scrutiny
-
by LL and
-
the Liver Police
-
LL's trusty sister's
-
with their uniforms
-
Hanging from their
-
magically rejuvenated bodies
-
in the freezer
-
using secret elixirs
-
extracted from the
-
Bag thet they
-
found under the
-
Corner of the
-
MeMi's back seat
-
Where, together with
-
countless headless chickens
-
and mislaid screws
-
found BM's brain
-
sadly beyond repair
-
A restoration project?
-
But who'd volunteer?
-
Only a fool
-
Such as BM
-
or Rolf Harris
-
would get caught
-
in his
wobbleboard didgeridoo
-
tailored to exact
-
size and density
-
for comfy fit
-
day to day
-
snug but obstrusive
-
In plain site
-
or building site
-
Out of site
-
full of shite
-
and various wheelbarrows
-
in Nick's flat
-
Needed for France
-
and other European
-
Showers of sh1t
-
extremely unpleasant weather
-
ahead is forecast
-
not in Cyprus
-
where smug people whistle:
-
enjoy life fully
-
Despite the banks
-
Snakes and lizards
-
, benefit claiming tourists
-
using our roads
-
At the weekend
-
to Luton airport
-
to fly out
-
obviously to Cyprus ;D
-
With their wheelbarrows . . .
-
and misspelled tattoos
-
Hindered only by
-
flat wheelbarrow tyres
-
and forgotten destinations
-
and dutyfree consumption
-
Leaing to early
-
dissapointments and arguments
-
Over inane topics
-
like sun-factor protection
-
and talcum powder.......
-
and ginger wigs
-
that were forgotten
-
in the haste
-
Of rushing to
-
That well known.....
-
post birthday card
-
with French stamps
-
and misremembered addresses
-
on arrival at
-
the wrong airport
-
the wrong country
-
and planet Mars?
-
he prefers bars
-
of white chocalate
-
he'll find plenty
-
at Duty Free
-
which women love
-
and men eschew
-
as wallet emptying
-
by the laydee's
-
with gullible husbands
-
Like padlock pockets
-
easily bypassed with
-
offers of drink
-
black Amex cards
-
covered with oil
-
and complimentary peanuts
-
left by Snoopy sad24:
-
who is missed sad24:
-
by us all sad24:
-
With no exceptions
-
he would want
-
laughter, wine, debate
-
reflection and fun
-
smiling down on
-
the unrighteous pubbies
-
laughing at inuendoes
-
generally having fun
-
no boiling piss?
-
banned last year .................
-
if you sayso rubschin:
-
prolly interweb myth
-
copious bleach required
-
For stain removal
-
and squeaky freshness
-
in all areas
-
where men dribble eyes:
-
and women crawl whistle:
-
and turnips conspire
-
to undermine injustice
-
And frack for
-
Hours and hours
-
while shock waves
-
disturbed the regulars
-
not for long
-
thanks to collapso
-
and fat wallets
-
soon being emptied
-
, not padlock pockets
-
which were sealed
-
with Duck tape
-
like his flippers
-
, paddles and rudders
-
covered with barnacles
-
like Moby Dick
-
and similar ailments
-
so rarely curable
-
except with antibiotics
-
and witches potions
-
spread on affected
-
warts and carbuncles
-
helps clear area
-
from bugs n'maggots
-
clearing infected areas
-
safer than napalm
-
cheaper than nukes
-
faster than leeches
-
improving daily life
-
for all except
-
Bashar Al Assad
-
and Katie Price
-
all huge tits
-
The X-Factor
contestants wanabees
-
queued at Pound-Shop
-
Looking for fame
-
and cheap alcopops
-
ready salted crisps
-
voddy watermelon and........
-
Baldy's Battery powered . . .
-
Specialist personal toy
-
for the inquisitive
-
and socially inadequate
-
that fail to
-
join the VP
-
jumbo smug club
-
eating mammoth steaks
-
from BM's freezer
-
With his chipper.........
-
and tiny chopper
-
that Apey broke
-
wind, while using
-
the bed in ........
-
LL's boudoir while
-
the online webcam
-
was being cleaned
-
due to Apey
-
arranging all the.....
-
camera's pointed at
-
the Russian neighbours
-
them taking offence
-
and the gates
-
where the hoovercraft......
-
skimmed over gardens
-
decapitating the flowers
-
shrubs, and borders
-
avoiding the eels......
-
in the pool
-
staring at MeMi
-
Languishing under water
-
full of cats
-
with feline aqualungs
-
and four flippers
-
And purry sonar
-
champion butterfly swimmers
-
nifty breast strokers
-
and accomplished crawlers
-
cured by Frontline
-
specially on humans
-
with rancid fleas scared2:
-
Ticks and assorted
-
worms and maggots
-
Rescued from casserole
-
by braveist dalmations
-
who were spotted
-
by Auntie Cruella
-
not anti Skub
-
who weren't allowed
-
three word stories
-
or warm milk
-
on their cereals
-
such as Emmerdale
-
so popular with
-
people of limited
-
marbles and reading
-
skills and expertise
-
so often lacking
-
in ex pats
-
and great unwashed
-
members of northern
-
football club fans
-
Man United excepted
-
In your dreams
-
Man United win ;D
-
crocheted tea pot
-
knitted tea cups
-
For quick cuppas
-
which 'dribble' franticially
-
leaving questionable splashes
-
In unmentionable places
-
Like the minima....... whistle:
-
After the movie
-
called 'Piddle Pants'
-
About a young
-
's drinking man
-
in Tena underpants
-
on his head
-
he is truly
-
wet behind the ears (sorry just had to have two goes redface:)
-
wet behind the ears (sorry just had to have two goes redface:)
::)
-
airy between them
-
like most men whistle: whistle:
-
in women's delusions
-
virtual nirvana exists
-
in bongobongo land
-
where turnips flourish
-
at online gambling
-
Eight Eight Eight
-
Nein, nein, nein.
-
Six Six Six scared2:
-
Or double six.......
-
to win it
-
whatever it is
-
in whichever universe
-
common-sense will prevail
-
except where Nick
-
is concerned usually
-
covered in talc.....
-
and breadmaker shrapnel
-
that's good days
-
and on bad-days . . .
-
in a wheelbarrow......
-
filled with plants
-
legal and illegal
-
grown from seed
-
natural remedies for
-
acne, arthritis and
-
general tum disorders
-
Not mentioning gout
-
nor the goat
-
Don't mention goat!!
-
the goat exclaimed
-
hiding in fear
-
from sizzling bar-b-q
-
and dodgy Welshmen
-
proffering daffodil posies
-
to unsuspecting ruminants
-
While hiding behind
-
Miss C's shed
-
and BM's belly whistle:
-
Full of that.....
-
Food and beer
-
which Apey never
-
ever paid for
-
Despite being loaded
-
onto a bus
-
full of OAPs
-
Dogs, goats, cats
-
watching Cow TV
-
Travelling with Nick
-
seatbelt firmly fastened
-
still without hope
-
of reaching destination
-
Or even origin
-
in this life
-
Or in Northampton . . . .
-
queuing for Silverstone
-
hours on end
-
Vettel flies past
-
Growler's race for.......
-
the golden Shed
-
how long for
-
five feet six
-
and 30 days
-
of community service
-
for unspoken wrongs
-
and other chinese......
-
inscrutably inscribed imaginings
-
Insanely devised to
-
confuse roundeye minds
-
Using slanteye methods
-
spiwit level wefined
-
spiwit level wefined
Spiwit revel, surely?
-
:thumbsup: redface: I'll throw a six and try again
Using slanteye methods
spiwit revel wefined
-
Causing a furore
-
so tabloids say
-
As they would
-
at the party
-
Located at that .....
-
Smuggers' home territory
-
big secret place
-
Rarely ever seen
-
except by selected
-
Goats and parrots
-
and webcam subscribers
-
who are interested
-
in such fare
-
most week nights
-
chippie nights excluded
-
needing empty tummy's
-
to make room
-
for much collapso
-
:thumbsup:
Lime Soda Voddy
-
, bestest Peroni Red
-
Campari is betterer
-
shouted the fool
-
unable to stand
-
being legless like
-
all other snakes
-
trapped within trousers
-
or under beds
-
with Apey's cash
-
Or lack of......
-
but plenty of
-
old Arsenal magazines
-
only Apey appreciates
-
reads them everyday
-
and dreams of
-
winning any trophy
-
munny can buy redface:
-
the referee for
-
any Saturday afternoon
-
he's that desperate
-
to get points
-
and some cups
-
like olden days
-
when dinosaurs roamed
-
and Neanderthal man
-
dragged women off
-
by the hair
-
to make breakfasts
-
and provide other
-
bin emptying services
-
bins in caves rubschin:
-
where Bears hide
-
lots of bits
-
torque wrenches and
-
watch Top Gear
-
on Dave endlessly
-
laughing too loud
-
at the antics
-
of old farts
-
all found in.....
-
states of drunkeness
-
Driving round tracks
-
on mobility scooters
-
Suitably souped up
-
Clarkson cheating again
-
Captain Slow driving
-
Hamster being smug
-
Stig staying stmmmm
-
he claims difficulty
-
to claim benefits
-
when wearing helmet
-
and white suit
-
driving gloves, cravat
-
A dapper figure
-
adored by many
-
pink oboe players
-
standing one legged
-
in canvas holdalls
-
playing exquisite music
-
despite the acoustics
-
of canvas bags
-
and Lidl speakers
-
And pink oboes
-
played with gusto
-
by alien dwarfs
-
by alien dwarfs
wearing pink onesies
-
And shiny tutus
-
with sequinned borders
-
And tasseled lodgers
-
pink wigs adorned
-
With fairy bows
-
designed by Westwood
-
for discerning customers
-
with big wallets
-
too much munny
-
too little sense
-
is the case
-
far too often
-
in certain classes
-
Studying for exams
-
copying friends' homework
-
But making errors
-
and paper aeroplanes
-
like Ryanair use
-
not the answer
-
Which we all
-
had bet on
-
given that Ryanair
-
are too stingy
-
like the Police
-
especially without Sting
-
who's also Stingy
-
maybe Stinky too
-
wouldn't be surprised
-
Typical northerner that.......
-
dodges the soap
-
don't stand too-close
-
or down wind
-
unless rotting fish
-
is your thing
-
not even Nick
-
would accept such
-
an awful smell
-
might cause some
-
focus on his
-
Lack of skill
-
with complex things
-
or any other
-
animate or inanimate
-
planet earth bound
-
Things which can
-
travel in time
-
with Olympic Torches
-
gripped firmly between
-
Their firm sweaty
-
and slightly niffy
-
Areas of their
-
loathsome spotty behinds
-
chaffed beyond all
-
hope of redemption
-
with ginger hairs
-
sprouting out from
-
unusual places like
-
tummy button and
-
nasal openings full
-
brimming over with
-
strange white powders
-
that clean biologically
-
eradicating most maggots
-
and bleaching ginger
-
all hair forms
-
including coons afros.......
-
creating large earbuds
-
used by Dumbo
-
after flying practice
-
and trampolining exercise
-
bouncy castle bursting
-
disappointed children wailing
-
with Japanese researchers
-
providing Sushi luncheon
-
at Ocean Basket cloud9:
-
pan-fried pickled liver point:
-
pan-fried pickled liver point:
helllooooooo....? 3 Word Story.... ::)
-
pan-fried pickled liver point:
helllooooooo....? 3 Word Story.... ::)
pot kettle black evil:
-
pan-fried pickled liver point:
helllooooooo....? 3 Word Story.... ::)
pot kettle black evil:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F3.bp.blogspot.com%2F-X5AOkWjuGBk%2FT9X0FCuiaiI%2FAAAAAAAAANU%2FpzZVq6ZZwsg%2Fs400%2FPot_Calling_the_Kettle_Black_T-Shirt.png&hash=b6ab77ed8b168edfc3f0cb238c04eea738fb1d42)
-
get a room ::)
-
oh, you have. redface:
-
look behind you
-
pantomime season begins
-
fairy tale endings
-
only for fairies
-
With those sandals........... noooo:
-
and that shirt whistle:
-
Apey on hand eyes:
-
losing his grip
-
without rubber gloves
-
or leather hand-cuffs
-
only the brave
-
would ever wear
-
any sort of
-
handcuffs for fun
-
unless of course
-
You are Baldy..........
-
only for pleasure
-
Cableties so unromantic
-
fluffy handcuffs then
-
Said the actress
-
to the bishop
-
Who was wearing
-
stockings , suspenders and
-
a bonce bucket
-
and sequined sandals
-
from BM's house
-
Unbeknown to LL
-
he had secrets
-
which he kept
-
in his bra
-
black lacy one
-
eeek: that i left!
-
uses sock padding
-
and plucks hairs
-
from every nook
-
and cranny painfully
-
using rusty tweezers
-
leaving painful red
-
hairs blocking plugholes
-
scraped up by
-
some poor sod
-
who never kew
-
who never kew
gardens were open
-
( redface: bloody typos kew for knew)
. . .gardens were open
for nudists barbecues
-
in thorny areas
-
being very careful ...
-
with the prickles
-
on private parts
-
already painfully singed
-
By Baldy's dodgy.....
-
alternative barbecuing methods
-
involving large briquettes
-
and unguarded flames
-
whilst wearing nothing
-
except dodgy sandals
-
and baggy shorts
-
with gaping holes
-
exposing areas of
-
preburnt Lidl chipolata
-
no pretty sight
-
for sore eyes
-
even with liquid-nitrogen
-
injected in them
-
causing black eyes
-
coupled with the
-
weird burning smell
-
of corrupt recycling
-
and fish frying
-
with homemade chips
-
and pickled eggs
-
every week night
-
and weak princess
-
and unmentionable Edward
-
never say Ted
-
runt of litter
-
or something rhyming
-
like romantic poetry
-
or rugby songs
-
soft and lyrical
-
when sang by
-
the castrati choir
-
the castrati choir
of St Nobles
-
wearing ruffled collars
-
and dodgy tattoos
-
of secret symbols
-
and misspellt names
-
Whilst dodging priests
-
their cassocks flapping
-
like demented jackdaws
-
coughing and sneezing
-
much Kleenex used
-
Just like the........
-
customers of Baldy
-
beyond my comprehension
-
OUIJA board needed?
-
No, roulette wheel
-
Lady Luck attending
-
assets well presented
-
Ignoring mounting losses
-
from severe deflation
-
silicon implants whistling
-
a familiar tune
-
from dodgy musicals
-
loved by gayers
-
like The Sound
-
Of banking haircuts . . .
-
snip, snip, scream
-
a Hebrew favourite
-
with accompanied singing
-
of nasal hair
-
ladies embarrassment obvious
-
to discerning viewers
-
oblivious and uncoherent
-
after much homebrew
-
digestion rumbling and
-
Wind picking up
-
mainly over Pissouri ;D
-
as pronounced carefully
-
Because otherwise people
-
would think that
-
incontinent smuggers abound ;D
-
more than usual
-
Despite the fact
-
that all are
-
Coming to the
-
autum of life
-
Half past summer
-
Baldy's new shop
-
fully stocked with
-
Various 'personal' devices
-
personal fitting provided. Thumbs:
-
by fidgeting dwarves
-
With cold hands
-
and sweaty palms
-
having visited Specsavers
-
in mistake for
-
Toys R Us
-
where they wanted
-
a bigger discount
-
or larger products
-
unavailable unless they
-
prove their requirement
-
in suitable style
-
Heard about Baldy
-
they know then
-
what to expect
-
so they think
-
top quality gear razz:
-
keeps customer's happy
-
more return custom
-
more return custom
just keep 'coming'
-
back for more
-
loyalty card discount
-
on exciting objects
-
With smooth profiles
-
but rough habits
-
flagellation kits provided
-
for more adventurous
-
and rubber intolerant
-
copious talcum required
-
oils also provided
-
bleaching mandatory afterwards eeek:
-
to eliminate Staines
-
Barnes and Esher......
-
Windsor exempt because....
-
too many easy
-
hooray henry targets ::)
-
waiting to be
-
given new hair-bands
-
and toilet training
-
to help combat
-
bad first impressions
-
when in company
-
they really fancy
-
just in case
-
Hooters is closed
-
they will visit
-
those dodgy websites
-
no parental control
-
cos no parents
-
orphans with computers eeek:
-
their lives bereft
-
John Lennon crooning
-
Bryan Ferry whistling
-
tunes of Bach
-
and rugby songs
-
over and over
-
tl brains burst
-
making glupy mess
-
such thoughtless waste
-
more bleaching required ....
-
to cleanse everything
-
of dirty stains
-
Mucus, blood, bone
-
beer, wine, beetroot
-
bleach will irradiate
-
leaving no evidence
-
on all surfaces
-
and no witnesses
-
To the wetness
-
or who dunnit
-
in the beginning
-
God created the
-
interweb and then
-
All things apple
-
pizza, beer, totty . . . .
-
What? Apple pizza?
-
thinking of Apfelstrudel
-
Hills are alive
-
with electric turbines
-
Pre-mincing avian delicacies
-
coated in marzipan
-
dipped in treacle
-
found on Uranus
-
an unpleasant feeling
-
during daily shaving
-
of nether parts
-
Creating landing strip
-
as a guidance
-
for incoming devices
-
no radar required
-
Sold by that....
-
Bald headed bloke
-
with a bucket
-
who calls himself
-
the Lone Deranger
-
Accompanied by Pronto
-
his unfaithful scout
-
but loyal snout
-
Riding his Lambretta
-
wearing only a
-
Parker with hood
-
Knee sliders and
-
sparkly false eyelashes
-
as worn by
-
that well known....
-
gentleman round town
-
called Quentin Crisp
-
who regularly watched
-
the local public......
-
conveniences for opportunities
-
to stick posters
-
advertising upcoming events
-
featuring cycling elephants
-
and suchlike entertainers
-
from Arsenal's squad
-
of overpaid numpty's
-
that'd thrash Forest
-
trunks tied behind
-
Their budgie smugglers
-
bulging with buns
-
like Jordan's jumper
-
full of silicone
-
her son then........ redface:
-
Fond Brighton memories
-
no sun now noooo:
-
reserved for Smuggers
-
to crow about cussing:
-
with graceful humility whistle:
-
And a little....
-
Smuggest smuggin smugivity
-
bring it on
-
Friday to evensong
-
the choirboys quake
-
ruffles quivering cutely
-
enticing dodgy bishops
-
to engage in
-
clerical errors of
-
Watergate tapes proportions eeek:
-
Tricky Dicky remembered
-
he'd forgotten to
-
get dressed today
-
in his invisible
-
tunic and cape
-
with his y-fronts
-
held together with
-
stratgically placed duct
-
tape stolen from
-
Donald Duct's nest
-
of hissing vipers
-
of hissing vipers
that had bitten
-
off more than
-
could be repaired
-
with raspberry syrup
-
or used Swarfega
-
when combined produce
-
Clean red hands
-
that frighten little-uns
-
Warned by mummy
-
from Tutanhkamun's tomb
-
The redhand curse
-
that struck-down thousands
-
Who didn't listen
-
to Mama Mia
-
So the moral
-
of this story
-
Mummy knows best
-
well Mia does
-
Winner takes it-all
-
says Super Trouper
-
Gimmie gimmie gimmie
-
Money, Money, Money
-
Does-your mother know
-
about Summer-night City?
-
What Honey Honey
-
the Dancing Queen?
-
Slipping through my-fingers
-
Thanks for the
-
Ring Ring Fernando
-
Take a chance
-
oh I do
-
No I don-t
-
(the Abba chain is broken cry: ah well, panto beckons)
No I don-t
Oh-yes you do
-
he's behind you!
-
No he isn't
-
He's over there
-
by the beanstalk?
-
sale now on
-
outskirts of Manchester
-
Ready for christmas
-
Cheap but cheerful
-
dirty but desirable
-
Just like miss
-
Construed, that tart
-
With the over
-
With the over
exposed lacy underwear
-
stolen from BM's
-
minima just last
-
Moulin Rouge showing
-
to solo audience
-
and tissue box whistle:
-
At the ready
-
hopefully remaining unused
-
But that sock.......
-
so recently darned
-
like his breeches
-
Trying to escape
-
from talc inhalation
-
The direct result
-
of storm-force winds
-
caused by the.....
-
violent swirling vortex
-
also known as......
-
The Bickering Tornado
-
so many casualties
-
too little bleach
-
to eradicate the
-
lower working classes
-
and low life
-
a beat-combo M'lud
-
who act as
-
the tiny duo.....
-
three consecutive nights
-
riding white stallions
-
because the black
-
cloud of doom
-
over Bickering Village
-
bereft of trousers
-
And booze , lentils.....
-
Looking for fun
-
sized Mars bars
-
That TMR thinks.......
-
are full sized
-
even when nibbled
-
or deep fried
-
by independence-seeking Scots
-
in health offensive
-
not forgetting batter
-
made of yoghurt
-
for healthy option
-
and longer life
-
Just like Duracell™
-
and Prince Philip
-
Or prince albert......
-
Complete with ring
-
made of plutonium
-
Enhanced with fissionable
-
but unfashionable isotopes
-
Of uranium, strontium
-
and Collapsonium 239
-
Aka BM's homebrew
-
called paint remover.......
-
Patent applied for
-
the BBC reports
-
in 24hr news
-
in 24hr news
no one watches
-
so therefor will
-
get drunk instead
-
taking a chance
-
(decides to avoid Abba-esque repeat)
taking a chance
that no-one's looking
-
knock one back
-
or even more
-
knock one off
-
just for fun
-
said Alice, smiling
-
after interesting evening
-
at Mad-Hatters tea-party
-
standing back watching
-
collapso fuelled debauchery
-
or friends enjoying
-
or friends enjoying
Vettel being disqualified
-
heaven on earth
-
and Webber winning?
-
an excellent result
-
provided wheels don't
-
come off, causing
-
the heater matrick...... whistle:
-
not to arrive ;D
-
again and again
-
leaving MeMi offroad
-
upset in garage
-
awaiting the scrapyard
-
ohhhh no noes
-
ohhhh no noes
how does-it smell?
-
petrol and oil
-
and other lubricants
-
keeping her rust-free
-
and nipples greased
-
with loving care
-
by man in
-
gay sandals and
-
bonce adorning bucket
-
a real sweetie cloud9:
-
in his pocket
-
his hand contains
-
a moved tenner
-
one to other
-
swiftly and niftily
-
just in case
-
wuffian wobbers lurked
-
and tried to
-
shag all the ............
-
anything that moved
-
animals, humans, androids . . .
-
which screamed loudly
-
after sipping homebrew
-
Made entirely from
-
floor sweepings and
-
LL's tree cuttings
-
with added engine-oil
-
makes heady brew
-
too strong for
-
mere mortal VPr's
-
but Marley's Ghost . . .
-
Tried it - died
-
Tried it - died
eeek:
but was revived
-
To go and
-
drink even more
-
Necking it like
-
giraffes on heat
-
after much viagra
-
and some voddy
-
so essential for
-
keeping up appearances
-
after being arrested
-
for receiving stolen
-
Mini heater matrixes
-
by the back-door
-
preventing MeMi's return
-
ohhh noes noes
-
but 3D printing
-
like chocolate fire-guards
-
but less tasty
-
Could have solved
-
midnight food cravings
-
With marmite sarnies
-
hidden from MissD's . . .
-
Marmite hating eyes
-
by the sushi......
-
Eating, tree hugging
-
three legged mutant
-
right handed maggot
-
created by the
-
all new special
-
mixing decaying-casseroles with
-
Baked onions and....
-
left over beans
-
U-Boat captains eat
-
with brussel sprouts
-
for added propulsion
-
while preparing torpedoes
-
Launched from rear
-
and both ears
-
flapping like Dumbo
-
Timothy looks aghast
-
Whilst explosions surround
-
the Grime ReaperTM
( TM is prolly a trademark of Miss C's DGAFF enterprises )
-
on their moped
-
pizza delivery service
-
by spotty lads
-
by spotty lads
and freckled lasses
-
with beribboned tresses
-
Flowing freely behind
-
Isadora Duncan warned
-
that open cars
-
driven by hairdressers
-
could still pull
-
better than Minis
-
but Classics are...............
-
a great-delight to
-
spare part retailers
-
costing mucho money.......................................(well if no one else will join in!)
-
But keeping them......
-
flush with cash
-
parts going to
-
wrack and ruin
-
slowly with Parcelforce
-
While you were
-
biting your fingernails
-
defying the straitjacket
-
Not fastened properly
-
Velcro never works
-
except for catching
-
You by surprise
-
at Lidl checkout
-
behind the gorilla
-
with the headband
-
and chavi kids
-
with mobile phones
-
yabbering text speak
-
incomprehensible to Pubfolk
-
pubets in fact
-
old school people
-
citizens of quality
-
class and sophistication
-
with the exception . . .
-
nobody I know eyes:
-
LL's fingers crossed?
-
While legs not......
-
dancing a jig
-
dressed like a
-
cross-legged village girl
-
on rag week
-
Hoping to hide
-
those granny knickers
-
and the gap
-
where stitches unravelled
-
from previous surgery
-
by Bulgaria's cheapest
-
body butchers and
-
Face lift merchants
-
shouldn't be trusted
-
With anything sharper
-
than BladyMort's wit eveilgrin:
-
he will tell
-
the worstest jokes
-
but provide peanuts
-
and sweet with-it
-
Not mentioning home-brew
-
and popcorn seasoning....... cussing:
-
When it's available
-
and not left
-
in the rain
-
to go hard
-
or rust away
-
Like BM's mini
-
which suffers from
-
BladyMort's driving mainly eveilgrin:
-
like Mr Toad
-
Of Toad Hall
-
scurge of Ratty
-
And captain beaky...........
-
forgetting Hissing Sid?
-
Bagpipes herald the
-
arrival of nubile
-
young women who
-
were keen to
-
lift the sporran
-
of innocent older
-
caber throwing midgets
-
fed on Haggis
-
and deepfried pizza
-
in Stuart colours
-
with added hues
-
And laurie bits....
-
and sparkly sequins
-
like BM's personal.....
-
Strictly Dancing coach
-
should be sacked
-
After giving all
-
the money to
-
goats with long
-
fluffy hairy coat
-
who look like
-
Growler first thing
-
after a night
-
on the piss
-
after Liverpool's win
-
a rare occaision
-
but celebrated with
-
a nice warm.......
-
gallon of moonshne
-
watered down with
-
BM's extra special......
-
low calorie concoction
-
cat wee included
-
still gut rotting
-
especially if drunk
-
late at night
-
at full moon
-
time will tell
-
everybody via facebook
-
Twitter and instagram
-
that BM's homebrew . . .
-
A dangerous concoction
-
the Syrians seek
-
For nefarious purposes
-
not being VPers
-
The means to
-
enrich their lives
-
but destroying their
-
hope of salvation
-
entrance exam acceptance
-
Notwithstanding, however, their
-
rear entrance suffered
-
from excessive turnips
-
Shot from gun
-
well greased, naturally
-
full of goodness
-
Vitamins, minerals and
-
essential antibiotics and
-
good plugging material
-
No required Polyfilla
-
Or parrot food......
-
they always succeed
-
Basil Brush mentioned
-
repeatedly Boom! Boom! redface:
-
especially at weekends
-
said the afghan.......
-
with the burca
-
escaping from MI5
-
and b n q people......
-
orange overalls dazzling
-
Like Dutch supporters
-
with matching caps
-
Riding their bicycles
-
with stabiliser wheels
-
And little hooters
-
Squeaking when squeezed
-
clogging the roads
-
ranting at cars
-
twits that they
-
are a menace
-
To mini driving
-
beer making barmen
-
With shotguns ready
-
apparently smoking form
-
a mornings sport
-
Of varying kinds eyes:
-
for lucky people eyes:
-
casinos hate them
-
Alan Parsons Band
-
play casino theme's
-
to anyone who
-
wannabe James Bond
-
loosened black tie cloud9:
-
especially for ladies cloud9:
-
with naughty thoughts
-
Of a bedroom
-
tax that will......
-
Break the bank
-
of most households
-
that prefer Whiskas
-
bearded ladies skipping
-
After many facelifts
-
Widening the smile
-
Raising the 'beard'
-
daintily plaited with
-
little pink ribbons
-
fluttering like butterflys
-
in the breeze
-
caused by the......
-
Passing wind blowing
-
gently but distantly
-
after eating that.....
-
Pasta special sauce
-
Italian chefs are
-
Renowned for producing
-
deliciously sexy accents cloud9:
-
They use to
-
sell the ladies
-
cookbooks untouched by
-
any human hand
-
that Nick doesn't.......
-
even realise exists ::)
-
beyond those nightmares
-
On that street......
-
At that time
-
when Freddie returned freddy:
-
to the scene
-
of the massacre
-
where the ladybirds
-
All head to......
-
Nicks front window
-
Every year because........
-
they are safe
-
from attractive women
-
except Tipsy ofcourse
-
and that bloke......
-
From the council
-
visiting because they ....
-
Had heard rumours
-
about talcum shenanigans
-
and mutant maggots
-
which when combined
-
adds up to
-
requirement for BLEACH
-
lots of it
-
Spread around liberally
-
where sun never-shines
-
not smugland obviously
-
Sadly Smugland indeed
-
'twas ever thus noooo:
-
Moving swifty on . . .
-
at breakneck speed
-
increasing three-words to-five
-
oh noes, confusing
-
oh noes, cheating whistle:
-
Well, two can play at that game
-
unless told off
-
Who's doing that?
-
Spanky nurse Boogs
-
Oh.
My.
God.
-
You better believe eyes:
-
Close door behind
-
beware the marigolds!
-
The bleach may
-
sting a bit
-
LL will be
-
applying the iodine
-
with great tenderness
-
then wire brushing
-
away any residue
-
no kissing better
-
unless your BM
-
and very drunk
-
or very poorly
-
behaving (as usual?)
-
naughty boy returns
-
naughty girls needed
-
to keep control
-
yeah as if
-
daring me are
-
you" said Kylie
-
just for growler.....
-
just for growler.....
at the carwash
-
broken aerials and
-
hot air drying
-
and wet tops eyes:
-
Just the way
-
of the world
-
Out in Smugland
-
Where they always......
-
make you feel
-
like boldly going
-
To the dodgy.......
-
bars where ladies
-
who were men
-
or contemplating conversion
-
to Islam, before
-
Immac'ing all over
-
to ensure smooth
-
gliding down glaciers
-
into the piste
-
so popular with
-
Turnip future's investors
-
of that gender...
-
twelve options available eyes:
-
eleven without donkeys
-
and that ass.......
-
which was shaken
-
but not really...
-
by Miley's stunt-bum
-
a bum stunt
-
Spooner's cunning stunt?
-
*sounds predictable klaxon*
-
to hide the
-
shame of Steve
-
as imagined by
-
children of-the quorn....
-
who hyphenate words evil:
-
to get-round rules
-
looking for loopholes
-
in intelligence levels
-
Of the well-known,,,,,,,,, whistle:
-
breakdown in communications
-
with demanding relatives
-
whose xmas presents.....
-
bought from Amazon
-
with that dodgy....
-
credit card that
-
Steve had scammed
-
by rottenest rogues
-
Devious little bastards
-
must be teenagers
-
That want the ........
-
latest mobile for
-
Sexting rude selfies
-
to that dj.....
-
With the odd
-
bouffant hairstyle which
-
got Yewtree interested
-
cadavers replying posthumously
-
as they would
-
stating the obvious redface:
-
because of the.......
-
After life communications
-
using OUIJA mail
-
or female version.......
-
which can't park
-
while ironing and
-
handling the large....
-
volume of unwashed
-
socks left by.....
-
querulous atheist midgets
-
Who had been
-
Staying at the.........
-
smallest bungalow hotels
-
in the upstairs......
-
normally called sky
-
hook rooms where......
-
unspeakable things happen
-
leaving horrible stains
-
And broken waste-disposal......
-
height challenged difficulties
-
solved using stilts
-
And Nigella's recipe
-
for getting high
-
without using balloons
-
Other than those
-
tucked up her
-
shutup:
-
shutup:
M&S thermal underwear ;D
-
not just any
-
Grey old underwear
-
but Kevlar strengthened
-
Especially to deter
-
bouncy castle jokes
-
real silk underwear cloud9:
-
Always feels nicer
-
after its removed
-
From the face.
-
of the zombie
-
Who appeared on
-
Strictly Come Dying
-
He dropped out
-
of his sequined....
-
catsuit and pants
-
exposing his best......
-
maggot collection that
-
tangoed up his
-
sun bereft areas
-
Not normally exposed
-
nor washed [only 2 words as this missing word is available for sponsorship]
-
but lavishly talcumed (down-under)
-
just like CHL
-
unlike DHL who.....
-
called when out
-
Emergency Twiglets required
-
to spell message
-
for circling helicopters
-
Before they descend
-
overloaded with pies
-
Stilton, Port and ......
-
other strange pies
-
handmade by pixies
-
Untouched by human
-
Eaten by cats
-
who then decide.......
-
they would engineer
-
a sudden influx
-
Of runny poo
-
causing serious hairballs sick2:
-
and vexed Barmen
-
boosting Febreze sales
-
and panic shortages
-
on cat nappies
-
as rarely worn
-
but normally filled
-
with abnormal contents
-
Courtesy of Nick
-
's ability to
-
Perform outside the
-
realms of reality
-
especially at Christmas
-
When miracles happened
-
for Su Pollard
-
Hi dee hi
-
Hi dee ho redface:
-
kill me now Banghead
-
lol:
whisky and revolver?
-
forget the revolver
-
finest malt only?
-
ice + maldovian Artist whistle:
-
pianos and fridges
-
any old iron
-
name is Ryan
-
werks in worster
-
holidays in Scunthorpe
-
hankie on head
-
buckets and spades
-
Fish and chips
-
whelks and winkles
-
Flat-cap and whippet
-
back in quickly
-
said the actress
-
Beating the bishop
-
with those enormous
-
and yet surprisingly
-
very clean buttocks
-
thanks to sand-blasting
-
and regular scrubbing
-
and special bleaching
-
pledge helps too
-
says Yahoo Answers
-
no paper wasted
-
all saved for
-
hungry homeless gnomes
-
merrily drinking Youngs
-
with campari chasers
-
and creamy kisses.......
-
are Italian cakes
-
stolen from Lidl
-
along with pies
-
and electric drills
-
for fixing boilers
-
the alternative way
-
bend zeeeeeee knees
-
said the bishop
-
Whilst fiddling with.......
-
Santa's big sack
-
full up with
-
roasted chestnuts and......
-
jet fuelled sprouts
-
Which can cause......
-
unexpected party surprises
-
And global warming
-
needed in Nicosia
-
to burn bankers
-
And Guberment officals
-
Highly trained in ......
-
annoying real people
-
not often found
-
In or near
-
goat shepherding Universities
-
as found in
-
A mediterranean island
-
also known for
-
Smuggy hemorrhoid Ex-Pats
-
and no Twiglets
-
and no voddy......
-
and no Skub
-
which caused rejoicing
-
in the far
-
far away galaxy
-
where doggleganger pubet's
-
plot world domination
-
in secret conclave
-
white smoke awaited
-
typo errors abound
(dogglegangers FFS)
-
allowed due to
-
seasonal love and
-
very expensive surgery
-
On their toe.......
-
all-new bionic toe
-
for bottom kicking
-
and bottle opening
-
for wine tastings.......... whistle:
-
always followed by
-
burnt pizza and.......
-
Twiglets and popcorn ?
-
followed by vomiting
-
offending HRH Liz
-
(The Pissouri tart)
-
served with cream
-
to ease sunburn
-
- doctor's gone home
-
to service the
-
Nurses and orderlies
-
who craved for
-
Twiglets, marmite and
-
their daily oats
-
not forgetting mince
-
an alternative to......
-
reconstituted meal worms
-
or walking normally
-
Christmas nuts cracked ....
-
Hence walking issues
-
and sitting uncomfortably
-
on three cushions
-
hovercraft not available
-
Nor any eels.....
-
Thumbs: lol:
due to cutbacks
-
at the russian......
-
embassy in Knickers-see-ya
-
where vodka is used
-
to wet whistles
-
and loosen tongues
-
with village gossip
-
about that floosy
-
and her horse
-
opera singing voice
-
only heard when...
-
riding side saddle
-
on those special.....
-
Fertility rites days
-
wicker baskets full (of)
-
logs and kindling
-
knitting, candles, pegs....
-
twiglets, vodka, dildos
-
an eclectic mix
-
only found where.....
-
Ginger has trod
-
leaving talcum footprints...
-
or blood from......
-
the wound below
-
the water line
-
where piranhas awaited
-
tunble:
-
patiently, unlike Steve
-
lol:
who had forgotten
-
where he put
-
The bacon and.......
-
onion sandwiches that
-
is not allowed....
-
with beans because
-
of global warming
-
for Antarctic expeditions
-
tunble:
-
Are unable to
-
juggle with chainsaws
-
diesel costs prohibiting
-
encores for audience
-
participation with glove
-
puppet pole dancers
-
disguised as subversive
-
nubile Latvian triplets
-
always hanging around
-
in hope of
-
Glimpses of Nick
-
being eaten by
-
ravenous rabid donkeys eeek:
-
or zombie badgers
-
a fate deserved
-
after all that
-
paperwork required by
-
the post inspector
-
who demanded more
-
stats being vital
-
For continued funding
-
from Amazon sales
-
and Pajero parts
-
much needed because
-
Of gate related
-
gubberamas causing words
-
with the uncompromising
-
Yet directionally challenged
-
restored white Mini
-
skirt thread, sponsored
-
by laptop salesmen
-
In pleated tartan
-
kilts, stolen from
-
the Black Watch
-
Sadly not digital
-
You mean crimewatch..... whistle:
-
The criminal's nemesis
-
once dogs excluded
-
Except that bitch
-
with the tartan . . .
-
Pleated mini skirt
-
:thumbsup: ^
best worn by
-
Alex Polizzi and....
-
several other slappers
-
sought after by
-
Some people here eyes:
-
Some people here eyes:
who remain nameless
-
but do have...
-
traceable IP addresses
-
Pointing to proxies . . .
-
run by Barman
-
after his bedtime......
-
under the blanket
-
Somewhere in Cyprus
-
clutching his mini........
-
Greggs pasty that
-
Burned his todger
-
so badly that
-
Failed to rise
-
helium balloons needed?
-
Causing squeaky voiced
-
screams heard in
______________________________
Your local friendly heretic
-
Far away places
-
even in Bickering
-
where nobody gives,,,,,,,,
-
you the time
-
or the money
-
because of cutbacks
-
Austerity you know
-
by another name
-
deception being vital
______________________________
Your local friendly heretic
-
for all politicians
-
Except our Nige!
-
Lawson whose daughter . . . .
-
really didn't aughta
-
be a snorter
-
of Ginger's talc
-
To rub on.......
-
with added Vick
-
tom, dick and.....
-
very tiny dick
-
Don't forget Barry . . . .
-
Manilow's megaconk that
-
can sniff out
-
any irritating song
-
and play it
-
far too often
-
although the ladies
-
who hang around......
-
Scantily clad in
-
Kings Cross Station
-
where they sell........
-
tickets to Bickering
-
Where they don't.......
-
and never do
-
that thing that
-
Miss C decided that........
-
even in private
-
with nobody looking
-
even via webcam
-
or through keyhole
-
where people live....
-
in constant fear
-
of being found
-
wanting in every
-
Way, though not
-
in a social
-
services defrauding way
-
Unlike some members
-
of other forums
-
Who couldn't give
-
you the time
-
but expect full
-
time pole dancers
-
who never fail
-
to share their
-
customers details with
-
Annoying telesales callers
-
that specialised in
-
Annoying telesales calls
-
from Asian boiler-rooms
-
With indecipherable accents
-
and false bonhomie
-
fuelled by collapso
-
and chewing khat
-
supplied by those
-
naughty raghead smugglers
-
who some said
-
or Saeed perhaps
-
when the circus
-
Came to town
-
On run from
______________________________
Your local friendly tapatalking heretic
-
the Bickering people..........
-
armed with pitchforks
-
mouldy stew and
-
a dangerous attitude
-
a dangerous attitude
brought on by
-
poorly placed apostrophe's
-
Alway's Bickerings horror's
-
Do not confuse
-
chalk with cheese
-
when writing on
-
A
blackcheese board
-
or making pizza
-
which BM burns...........
-
Evenly crisp and
-
only fit for
-
Processing for recycling
-
to turn into
-
Weird new things
-
with magical powers
-
capable of causing
-
zombies to return
-
without prior warning
-
terrorising Bickering's finest
-
Local and visiting
-
bunny boiling women
-
Girls and boys
-
that Max Clifford
______________________________
Your local friendly tapatalking heretic
-
Had actually groped
-
while listening to
-
70s music by
-
Abba, Zeppelin and
-
Dave Lee Travis,,,
-
whose radio face
-
Unlike his hands
-
of his clock
-
and bull story
-
told everyday at...
-
cock crow time
-
or when the..
-
sands run out
-
In his battery
-
powered cake train
-
that he uses.....
-
to lure unsuspecting
-
Yewtreebies into the
-
arms of retired
-
BBC disk jockeys
-
who have been...
-
has-beens before. However . . .
-
Popcorn:
-
vegans eat popcorn
-
when favoured with
-
my popcorn seasoning....... cussing:
-
that Barman purloined
-
From Yewtree officers
-
who couldn't find
-
Their arses with
-
that old odd......
-
Disc Jockey who
-
Liked to stick...
-
It up 'em
-
even though they
-
claimed they had.......
-
didn't like it
-
in the newspapers.....
-
or their periodicals
-
delivered by midgets
-
fresh from Gatwick....
-
on their tricycles
-
Just like Noddy
-
who would occasionally
-
fight with golliwogs
-
And Mr Plod
-
had big ears
-
By the nads
-
demanding munny or
______________________________
Your local friendly tapatalking heretic
-
Something more valuable
-
Than used Swarfega
-
that Lidl sell
-
in wine bottles......
-
to those unsuspecting
-
Asda customers who
-
ran away from
-
The halal meat
-
The halal meat
pies, stews and . . .
-
bumps a daisy
-
infamous daughter of
-
Nick and Misty
-
proving beyond doubt
-
that rumours often
-
begin in unlikely
-
bars, such as
-
Last Chance Saloon
-
where Smuggers plot
-
courses to Nirvana
-
that Kurt Cobain
-
and his teen-spirit
-
went to gig
-
but the zombies
______________________________
Your local friendly tapatalking heretic
-
never lie down
-
even at bedtime
-
which for BM....
-
is rarely after
-
LL tells him..........
-
sun is setting
-
Across the bay
-
where bearded women
-
Won 'singing' contests
-
thanks to Smugger-votes
-
that well known
-
and regularly mocked
-
Regular Pissouri contributor
-
to Collapso revenues
-
and Lidl too .. .
-
Their favourite customer
-
spends much dosh
-
from busking at
-
the end of
-
the District line
-
returning full Circle
-
for the Jubillee
______________________________
Your local friendly tapatalking heretic
-
and the Jubilee
-
clip that holds...
-
my trousers up
-
so the ferrets
______________________________
Your local friendly tapatalking heretic
-
remain in situ
-
waiting for trousers
-
to be cleaned
-
copious bleach required
-
After the booze-a-thon....... whistle:
-
After the booze-a-thon....... whistle:
censored: censored: censored:
-
three naughty words?
-
Banned from Scrabble
-
not my version eyes:
-
lol:
or Gordon Ramsay's
-
THAT IS VENISON..
-
in chocolate sauce
-
After voddy marinade
-
stolen from MissD
-
shared with friends
-
unlike the Maltesers
-
whose island is....
-
teeming with Zombies
-
collecting UK pensions
-
in cash obviously
-
old and leathery
-
like Nick's stew
-
dry and putrid
-
becoming self aware scared2:
-
through deep analysis
-
of BM's behaviour
-
when dosed with
-
beer and beer
-
and collapso and
-
the Kipling express
-
that runs from
-
Lands-End to John-O-Groats
-
passing through Bickering
-
arriving in Ainsdale angel1
-
Cow-TV in 1st-Class
-
with added cakes
-
and little sandwiches
-
on Great Eastern
-
best monogrammed crockery
-
rather like DS
-
does every day
-
with his butler
-
that saw those . . .
-
indescribable scenes through
-
the secret keyhole
-
stunting his growth scared2:
-
, warping his mind
-
his eyes agog
-
at the sight
-
at DS and eeek:
-
a ripe turnip
-
in compromising situations
-
pictured by paparazzi
-
from the Daily-Snail
-
the Mollusc's choice
-
slimy trails shimmering
-
Slug pellets waiting scared2:
______________________________
Your local friendly tapatalking heretic
-
Palms growing hirsute
-
Awaiting Silver Coins
-
from medieval Bickering
-
found when excavated
-
by enthusiastic students
-
Wielding monster shovels
-
stolen from sheds
-
Used for
tarbitmac
-
so potholes remained
______________________________
Your local friendly tapatalking heretic
-
Making the shithole
-
more like home
-
luxury for some
-
Hell for others
-
soothed by booze
-
soaked evenings in
-
the company of
-
Odd people sporting
-
knitted tank tops
-
bought via FleBay
______________________________
Your local friendly tapatalking heretic
-
by loving grandchildren
-
human and otherwise
-
Pearl and Dean
-
danced all night
-
by the light
-
of burning Minis
-
Through the night
-
of unspeakable events
-
on channel 4
-
Repeats on Sky
-
after the watershed
-
or BM's bedtime
-
after Blue Peter.....
-
where to go
-
asked the zombie
-
standing in Paphos
-
directing the traffic
-
and the drunks......
-
from Collapso-R-Us
-
to the beach
-
via dark alleys
-
Or back alleys......
-
where tattoed tourists
-
arrived from England
-
with their brats
-
and their brawls
-
then pay Apey
-
with fake Euros
-
(Cash in hand eyes:)
-
when weddings need
-
baldy's friend to........
-
bring along samples
-
(Sale or return)
-
unlike the Titanic
-
England's Football Mascot
-
Failed like England
-
Better than Scotland
(runs for cover)
______________________________
Your local friendly tapatalking heretic
-
Playing in skirts
-
Better than Scotland
(runs for cover)
______________________________
Your local friendly tapatalking heretic
evil:
With no undercrackers
-
in the wash
-
or Humber estuary
-
just across from........
-
some Yorkshire mongrels
-
Tykes to some
-
because of their
-
three wheeled bikes
-
that Bradley Wiggins . . .
-
who borrowed Lance's........
-
sweaty Yellow jersey
-
and those dodgy......
-
Blacks socks to
-
clash with his . . . .
-
cymbals and other
-
busking paraphernalia bought
-
accidentally on eBay
-
Whilst searching for
-
Unusual medical devices
-
Rumoured to provide
-
relief for nightly
-
Keira the thespian
-
who most would
-
think was a
-
little undernourished since
-
Noah was a
-
collector of pairs
-
and famous triplets
-
Quads not withstanding
-
are fun bikes
-
that Darwin uses.....
-
For counting turnips
-
and hunting peasants
-
(Now in season)
-
and shit scared
-
And pissing themselves
-
at the sight
-
Of a small
-
but perfectly formed
-
Appendage (normally hidden)
-
except on weekends
-
And bank holidays
-
when people flocked
-
to that special....
-
discreet viewing platform
-
Hidden behind the
-
specially erected oolumn
-
Resembling an erect
-
and strangely coloured
-
yet weirdly attractive
-
(To some people eyes:)
-
well known for
______________________________
Your local friendly tapatalking heretic
-
Things best left
-
to tabloid exposures
______________________________
Your local friendly tapatalking heretic
-
And public enquiries
-
like Ginger shenanigans
-
In Preston, Winchester
-
where the zombies . . .
-
Werewolves and badgers
-
posting on Farcebook
-
Under assumed names
-
from Bickering gravestones
-
Ivy covered marble
-
tended by dwarves
-
falling under trains
-
Flowing behind brides
-
of Dracula that
-
jolly Transylvanian wag
-
whose bejewelled fangs
-
Dripped with crimson
-
extract of jugular
-
after the bike
-
race had passed
-
lycra and wicker
-
crafted effigies of
-
thighs and sausages
-
best cooked slowly
-
Meanwhile taking selfie
-
using police artist
-
Posing as iPhone
-
while Androids watched
-
Through their Windows™
-
lol:
so recently licked
-
By six foot
-
-ball players from
-
Bickering's netball team
-
with buxom cheerleaders
-
Whose thin tops
______________________________
Your local friendly tapatalking heretic
-
and fat bottoms......
-
fascinated ginger haired . . .
-
Small terrier dogs
-
fond of yapping
______________________________
Your local friendly tapatalking heretic
-
nipping and humping
-
with a sausage
-
roll, gripped between
-
BM's baby teeth
-
as his dummy
______________________________
Your local friendly tapatalking heretic
-
Got spat out
-
straight at young . . .
-
Carruthers, who being
-
a renowned
ginger swinger UKIPMeP drinker . . . .
-
Friendly with Nigel
-
but not Boris
-
Indifferent to Beaker
-
adoring of Ed
-
You meant Dave
-
Not Lee Travis?
-
The Hairy Cornflake!
-
as found in
-
kitchen cupboards up
-
away from the
-
tunble:
-
long weight queue
-
for Gatwick luggage
-
that JOM carefully
-
let TMR throw
-
a double six
-
and landed on
-
Gatwick main runway
-
just as the
-
All the small......
-
but perfectly formed
-
Chinese TMR clones
-
that couldn't reach
______________________________
Your local friendly tapatalking heretic
-
their own wallet......
-
so instead scrounged
-
all that free.....
-
booze and grub
-
causing nationwide shortages
-
of Marmite and
-
imaginative hangover cures
-
consisting of various
-
toad extracts and
-
other noxious substances
-
sold by Amazon
______________________________
Your local friendly tapatalking heretic
-
as remedies for
-
industrial grade flatulence
-
as suffered by
-
wrongful food eaters
-
of vegetarian diets
-
of vegetarian diets
evil: lol:
and turnip eaters
-
and respected growers
-
if any remain
-
outside Royal Berkshire
-
(clever ^ lol:)
"outside Royal Berkshire" => where unspeakable deeds . . .
-
or leases of...
-
particularly lovely bijou
-
sequined wellington boots
-
that Paddington Bear
-
stored marmalade in
-
well hidden from
-
the Robinson's golly
-
whose KKK T-shirt . . . .
-
fitted much too
-
snugly round his
-
beer swelled waist
______________________________
Your local friendly tapatalking heretic
-
band playing favourite
-
thigh slapping songs
-
reminisant of days
-
now long past
-
when dragons roamed
-
looking for unicorns
-
for magical pie-fillings
-
the like of
-
which nobody ever
-
covered in ketchup
-
although brown sauce
-
And sometimes marmite
-
hidden from MissD
-
although she smells
-
although she smells
says the Brat
-
through her veil
-
that Mario insisted
-
would keep flies
-
zipped up properly
-
;D
to protect the
-
tiny little minds
-
and little balls
-
depicted by Banksy
-
on large wall
-
of the pub
-
so BM can
-
charge for viewing
-
to mug punters
-
outside Baldy's shop
-
with blacked-out windows
-
from the fire
-
tunble:
-
but never forgotten.....
-
despite expensive therapy
-
nothing quite changes
-
Except for those.......
-
bleedin smart-arse Chameleons
-
Whose karma has....
-
Boy George plotting
-
a strange course
-
observed by quadcopters
-
from up above
-
before they plummet
-
like Tesco shares
-
and Turnip futures
-
are growing steadily Thumbs:
-
lol: following shocking reports
-
of Cypriot glut
-
of burnt pizzas
-
garnished with turnip
-
and extinguisher foam
-
tunble:
-
need more contributors
-
indeed we do
-
or the demise
-
of the very......
-
fabric of time
Oh & Steve - 3 word story so it should have been tunble: tunble: tunble:
-
may require sewing
-
rather than stitching
-
up that one....
-
in time saves
-
or time share......
-
despite having no
-
idea where the....
-
years have gone
-
since Scunthorpe celebrated
-
the Vikings leaving
-
and the arrival........
-
of ginger apocalypse
-
man with muffins
-
but no mule......
-
to pull his
-
Sierra out of
-
the Cow-field where
-
the daisies grew
-
until the Quadcopter
-
entered the wormhole
-
and boldly went
-
to Miss A's.......
-
but SatNav misdirections
-
sending it to.......
-
Scunthorpe Travelodge, where
-
Emma was scheming
-
how to avoid......
-
any ginger encounter
-
having been horrified
-
by the jumper.......
-
stained with various
-
Stews and picklements
-
made by that......
-
gang from Nottingham
-
"The Beeston Boys"
-
also famous for
-
partying all night
-
unlike BM who........
-
goes to bed
-
told to by.......... whistle:
-
his all-new cat
-
who likes to..........
-
crap in his
-
lovingly restored MeMi
-
which often leaked
-
all over the.......
-
wedding guests that . . . . .
-
wished they never
-
drunk any of.......
-
the snail juice
-
laboriously extracted by
-
white coated lab
-
or golden retriever
-
fur wearing dwarves
-
loading aircraft holds
-
and house removals.......
-
for EBay sales
-
courses all over
-
taught by that...
-
guy from faceache
-
that knew Savile
-
back in the
-
days when creeps
-
wore brothel creepers
-
baldy's spell check.............
-
prevented him telling
-
about the risks
-
of the cream.......
-
coloured corduroy trousers
-
that were worn........
-
for court appearances
-
playing tennis with............
-
Cliff Richard and
-
other ball boys
-
who'd happily bend
-
over for you
-
not that VPers
-
are that bothered......
-
about all that ....
-
we much prefer
-
a smaller version.......
-
of luggage handlers
-
who had been........
-
causing Youngs shortages
-
by quaffing gallons
-
and gallons and
-
gallons and gallons
-
Quaffing without end
-
Until suddenly the . . . .
-
Barrel ran out
-
from behind the........
-
fridge with Foggy
-
in teenage underwear
-
carefully selected by
-
BM Apey and
-
the nextdoor neighbour
-
Cunningly disguised as
-
pumpkins and the.....
-
Elf from the
-
deep dark forest....
-
where Growler roamed
-
Looking for hills
-
and anna log.....
-
no stones unturned
-
to reach his
-
little cabin where
-
"the Beast" waited
-
in vain for
-
4 star petrol
-
for the special......
-
adventures in faraway
-
cake and train....
-
(WTF is faraway cake and train?)
-
(WTF is faraway cake and train?)
cake train shop........
-
known only to
-
certain ginger folk........
-
(WTF is faraway cake and train?)
cake train shop........
(ta but I am still bamboozled)
who'd secretly visit
-
at every opportunity
-
CCTV would allow
-
tunble:
-
off to werk..........
-
where eagles dare
-
To offend and.......
-
be offended by
-
Erratically flying quadcopters
-
that constant menace
-
all and sundry
-
and their animals
-
including their fish
-
eaten on Fridays scared2:
-
battered every night
-
with Mars Bars
-
Peas and chips
-
spam, spam, spam
-
spam, glorious spam
-
Nothing quite like
-
the food that
-
made school fritters
-
Vanish into the
-
mouths of babes
-
Asian and otherwise
-
three pounds a-week.......
-
Straight or sideways
-
Marmite loving and
-
Veggie to boot
-
which would explain . . .
-
high methane levels
-
in the vicinity
-
of Steves kitchen
-
wherein carrots suffer
-
A fate worse
-
than Darwin's turnips
-
and Nick's apostrophes
-
Or Nicks apostrophe's
-
that tend to
-
get stuck in.......
-
traffic-jams that Nigel . . . . .
-
..la was potting
-
To make compost
-
out of turnips
-
always in stock cloud9:
-
sales having slumped
-
after the seasonal
-
Black-Friday Turnip panic
-
pushing up futures
-
expiring on Burns-night
-
When tatties were
-
living in fear
-
of the mashie
-
Took their AK47s
-
bought via Amazon
-
delivered by DPD
-
who took photos....... whistle:
-
who took photos....... whistle:
Through the window....
-
of Roger and . . .
-
BM's curious antics . . .
-
backed against the
-
odds to win
-
lose or draw
-
the drinking competition
-
Doomed to failure
-
Twas always so
-
As written on
-
the backs of
-
old fag packets......
-
discarded by those . . .
-
exiled by the.......
-
wrongful foods police
-
whilst eating that.......
-
stew that Nick . . .
-
claimed was racist
-
coz the coons......
-
insisted on gumbo
-
from Nick's hotel
-
surrounded by all......
-
sorts of Scunthorpians
-
and other aliens
-
Who looked better.......
-
having three eyes
-
a bugger-for Specsavers
-
and countdown people............
-
needing other vowels
-
IOUs not enough
-
to satisfy their
-
huge expenses claim......
-
food, films and . . . .
-
trouser press repairs......
-
after Emma's exploits
-
Seen on porn-channel
-
RedHot Scunthorpe Babes
-
Featuring the favourite
-
uses of rubber
-
goods, as sold
-
second hand by
-
that VP member..........
-
whose rubber member
-
was beginning to . . .
-
Show signs of
-
surface erosion from
-
Constant rubbing against
-
Wigan's post boxes
-
Stuffing them with
-
Picklements and marinades
-
Supplied by the
-
VP Foods Collective
-
containing burnt pizza......
-
4-day old chicken
-
deep fried turnip
-
and unused quorn.......
-
donated by Steve
-
refused by all.........
-
carnivores and other
-
people who don't.....
-
have the ability
-
to drink that...........
-
cheap collapso that
-
BM makes with.......
-
eyes of toads
-
bits of goat......
-
quadcopter blades and
-
cat vomit with....
-
stolen popcorn flavouring
-
from honest folk........
-
who would never
-
take two quid.....
-
from a beggar
-
for tapa talk.....
-
as used by
-
Fools who should
-
instead follow top-tips
-
Giving tip-top results
-
on likely horses
-
In unlikely races
-
But not racist
-
or even bigoted
-
unlike those dodgy......
-
white Anglo-Saxon males
-
who use Paki
-
corner shops where...
-
the milk is
-
past sell-by date
-
Just yoghurt really
-
though much smellier
-
Pakis or milk......... rubschin:
-
Just the milk
-
For Pg tea.......
-
or my cornflakes
-
use beer instead......
-
maybe milk stout
-
can cure piles
-
and piles of
-
the hard earned
-
Green Shield stamps
-
now used by....
-
nostalgic old codgers
-
who can't afford
-
real Jack Daniels
-
Only Jack Shit
-
at best because
-
He knows Jack
-
..daws are nesting
-
nearby in the......
-
MeMi's rusting wings
-
Raising small families
-
taught-to avoid quadcopteristas
-
Flying dried-out hexacopters
-
in pool-free zones
-
with no goats.....
-
flying that day
-
Due to sunshine
-
Desserts and Reggie
-
Perrin who sadly
-
went to lunch......
-
Looking rather damp
-
splashed by quadcopter
-
looking for Nick......
-
in Smuggerland pools
-
Suddenly losing lift
-
like ancient brassieres
-
Causing real settlement
-
and udderesque horrors
-
standing in the
-
queue at Sainsburys
-
Pee in Tesco......
-
R in Soul
-
**** in Scunthorpe......
-
bog in Bognor
-
Rain in spain
-
that fell mainly
-
in the wheelbarrow.......
-
Which unfortunately was
-
used to carry
-
Smuggers home from
-
drunken nights out
-
using a wheelbarrow
-
for the legless
-
and the clueless
-
who often post
-
Christmas-cards in January
-
For next year
-
with no stamps
-
Or written card
-
just newspaper cuttings
-
Reporting strange events
-
from farthest Smugland
-
where the footy..............
-
referees wear pink
-
And the players
-
are mostly human
-
but some are......
-
results of crossbreeding
-
between the two...
-
quadcopter enthusiast groups
-
who shared remarkably
-
darkened bath towels
-
needing much OMO
-
and vigorous rubbing
-
to get them
-
fit for Smuggers
-
who drink that.......
-
imitation Jack Daniels
-
That tastes like
-
diarrhea (I'd guess)
-
I wouldn't know . . .
-
neither would I
-
Let's try BM
-
he's 'brewing' it
-
'Home-brewed' you say
-
with added turpentine
-
(From pipe cleaning)
-
thanks to Dyno-Rod
-
British gas subsidiary
-
shit shifters extraordinaire
-
tunble:
-
A bit quiet.....
-
in downtown Bickering
-
where the fireman...
-
has long been
-
and runner beans.......
-
have scarpered to
-
the baking place......
-
where Nick buys
-
and sells used
-
cakes that wimmin . . . .
-
made for bears
-
that roam hills
-
Ranting and shouting...
-
about Clarkson and . . .
-
expensive rugs and....
-
Blowers and suckers
-
Not forgetting Wimmin
-
Could be either . . .
-
for or against
-
any convenient wall
-
when nature calls
-
About PPI claims
-
at awkward times
-
Such as when
-
you're ferret wrestling
-
or plucking eyebrows
-
a prerequisite for
-
any transvestite event
-
where tango dancing
-
And sweaty boxes
-
are common occurences
-
unlike Apey buying
-
a new wallet.... evil:
-
when instead he . . . .
-
Hides his money
-
in an old . . .
-
punctured car tyre
-
he found beside
-
piles of nails
-
misdelivered by quadcopter
-
on pool patrol
-
for short spells
-
Three witches created
-
using special ingredients
-
painfully extracted from
-
Areas best left
-
to those who............
-
have the necessary
-
tools to hand
-
or hand on......
-
the jugs that
-
provide the much........
-
needed encouragement to
-
get up for.......
-
the national anthem
-
sung by that.......
-
Lass with the
-
voice like Popeye
-
on Helium from
-
the land of
-
The smug buggers
-
who are drinking...
-
Themselves into oblivion
-
or the pub..
-
drinking into bankruptcy
-
looking forward to....
-
drinking more meths
-
till they can..
-
saved enough money
-
to replenish the
-
Marmite, Twiglets and
-
old fashioned sweeties
-
that the kiddies....
-
dropped one day..
-
outside the BBC...
-
awaiting Jimmy Savile... redface:
-
to lay his
-
saggy old looking/////
-
but bestest friend
-
mice on the...........
-
menu once again
-
cooked by Nigella
-
(Gone to seed)
-
like budgies do
-
spill on the
-
heads of those
-
looking up to...
-
see where quadcopter
-
has crashed again......
-
causing distress to
-
Assorted native animals
-
that would otherwise
-
Appear on menus
-
at Bickering's restaurants
-
Five star cuisine
-
it certainly aint
-
getting any Michelin
-
men or women
-
the choice is
-
easier in Ireland
-
hard in Iran
-
unless you're caught
-
with trousers down
-
with burning rags...
-
firemen use for
-
blowing their noses
-
to wild applause
-
and deafening cheers
-
from those reprobates
-
in sunny Bickering
-
on May Day
-
and also Doris
-
who some knew
-
how she moved
-
in mysterious ways
-
on one leg
-
while juggling chainsaws
-
while balancing a
-
a large round.......
-
robin, which left
-
as soon as
-
batman decided that...
-
he'd come out
-
of the closet
-
because the tabloids
-
were needing ointment
-
applied liberally to
-
whoever needed it
-
after indulging in
-
practices not usually
-
indulged by Christians
-
who much preferred
-
bread and wine
-
made from water
-
(actually water substitute)
-
or even Frankenwater
-
whatever that is
-
Monsanto water, silly
-
is that nutritious?
-
in small amounts
-
suitable for dwarves
-
and nursing mothers
-
breastfeeding in public
-
galleries at parliament
-
displaying pornographic images
-
of Lloyd George
-
with a large
-
carrot for a
-
very hungry donkey
-
kong playing teenager
-
mutant ninja turtle
-
Pie for Dinner
-
table settings are
-
randomly decided by
-
tossing a coin
-
stolen from a
-
toilet door lock
-
installed by BM
-
hence the coin
-
was actually a
-
rusty mini washer
-
missing from the
-
leftover bits tin
-
where instead lurked
-
Barmans once loved
-
miniscule and shrivelled
-
long forgotten turnips
-
that need replacing Thumbs:
-
before rain comes
-
and wellies donned
-
for the wassailing
-
in the orchards
-
then scrumpy trampling
-
by Bickering's WI
-
before they tumbled
-
into O'Grumbly's Bar
-
already three sheets
-
had been ripped
-
torn asunder in
-
various different ways
-
some ingenious, others
-
from cock ups
-
to crock pots
-
bought at Bickerings'
-
homegrown punctuation shoppe
-
which hadnt, been
-
homegrown punctuation shoppe
arse arse arse redface: but I digress
____________________________________________________________________________
which hadnt, been => liked on arsebook
-
or even licked
-
by honey seeking
-
missiles from Nottingham
-
,long haired lovers
-
with loose livers
-
and reversed legs
-
counting double points
-
because points mean
-
bed of nails
-
stolen from B&Q
-
in a fit
-
sort of yoga
-
partaken by Kaye
-
most weekday evenings
-
after teasingly weatherforecasting
-
many warm fronts
-
slightly toasty backs
-
smeared with honey
-
just like Pooh
-
whose Sticks were
-
made for walking
-
unlike dodgy legs
-
embalmed in honey
-
bought at Iceland
-
on a whim
-
which could finish
-
before it started
-
or even earlier
-
in the day
-
when everything seems
-
best put off
-
until everything else
-
has been accomplished
-
except in Nottingham
-
where JCBs lurk
-
waiting for lawns
-
to remodel while
-
yoga exercise prevents
-
one's joints from
-
Being smeared with
-
copious amounts of
-
honey or vaseline
-
making your whole...
-
body wasp friendly
-
although smelling of
-
Polecats would discourage
-
further polecat migration
-
down the trousers
-
of drunken tourists
-
wearing tartan shagpile
-
as stolen from
-
Edinburgh Shag Mills
-
by Fringe performers
-
with real fringes
-
as opposed to
-
liking a Brazilian...
-
footballer who looks
-
like an ape
-
that has lost
-
his back garden... whistle:
-
to massed JCBs
-
and the tarmac..
-
Aspidistras were crushed
-
, dried and smoked
-
for hallucinogenic effects
-
although magic mushrooms
-
were available cheaper
-
by the dozen
-
from turnip outlets
-
the best place
-
For the future...
-
of Darwin's pockets
-
to which padlocks
-
borrowed from Apey
-
think rented or...
-
leased just like
-
a temporary garden
-
a place to
-
relax, unwind and
-
make evil plans
-
to take over
-
world turnip production
-
previously controlled by
-
tartan clad gangs
-
of ginger biscuit
-
munching, Buckfast swilling
-
garage door smashing
-
head banging and...
-
early nights because
-
the early bird
-
was catching werms
-
from dodgy kebabs
-
Sold by Ali
-
To latenight DJs
-
and other nocturnal
-
revellers intent on
-
nefarious deeds which
-
appear on Youtube
-
with pixellation of
-
elves and fairies
-
;D
to protect their
-
teeny weeny identities
-
being stolen by
-
tunble:
-
psycho goblin teenage
-
X-Factor Wannabee contestants
-
who need exterminating
-
by armed quadcopters
-
or crashing quadcopters
-
that Volkswagen hoped
-
on one leg
-
then the other
-
but never both
-
except when auditioning
-
to cover up...
-
despicable dirty deeds
-
in their past
-
involving dead pigs
-
, eye of newt
-
Livingstone I presume?
-
Bang bang bang
-
Mama gone home
-
hide
-
hide
::)(I mourn the death of numeracy)
Hide and Seek
-
Maddie wins again...
-
thanks to Sepp
-
. . . . .Some time later
-
in Brighton where .....
-
cats fear the
-
start of Wimbledon
-
Because of all....
-
that scandal with
-
clearing up the ..
-
mess ball boys
-
caused by the..
-
previously unknown habit
-
left by nuns
-
looking for soap
-
to remove those
-
grass stains on
-
backsides and knees
-
and upsy daisy
-
then brushed off
-
by Lilliputian waiters
-
looking up at...
-
the horror of
-
What used to...
-
an owld Panjero
-
next to the ..
-
'copter filled pool
-
and the unused...
-
and expensively restored
-
reputation for dancing
-
the Tango to
-
that strange orange..
-
mobile ring tone
-
"I am in,,,,,,,,,".......
-
a state of
-
denial about Beeb
-
who say that
-
Blackburn is a
-
poor candidate for
-
Capital of Lancashire
-
Where Jeremy Kyle ...
-
effigies are burnt
-
ochre, the colour
-
choice for Pikeys
-
worthy:
and gypsies worldwide
-
whose Facebook pages
-
are full of
-
random images of
-
rubbish in laybys
-
where chippie vans
-
serve tea in
-
dirty chipped mugs
-
previously used by
-
Bickering town hall....
-
in an attempt
-
to bail out
-
all the overflowing
-
stew that had
-
tried to escape
-
from the horror
-
that Nick had
-
escaped from by
-
refusing to obey
-
the cake shop.......
-
timetable, which ensured
-
tarts always available
-
to take up....
-
to Nottingham where
-
there are those....
-
people that try
-
To put that..
-
favourite old euphemism
-
surrounded by idiots
-
surrounded by idiots
noooo: surrounded by mirrors
-
that cracked when
-
the people that..
-
fly quadcopters near
-
those very odd....
-
places where tourists
-
. . . . some months later
-
Mary had a
-
big surprise when
-
the time was
-
right for a
-
round bought by
-
the bloke in...
-
witness protection from
-
ISIS Dublin branch
-
next door to
-
several Somalia families
-
still waiting for
-
UNICEF to notice
-
that elephants were
-
packing their trunks
-
for holidays at
-
the Ivory Coast
-
for an unforgettable
-
professional piano lesson
-
from the Latvian . .
-
dwarf piano player
-
a fugitive from
-
Russian oppression that...
-
was frustrated by
-
little conviction or
-
memories of when
-
Jimmy Young sang
-
so badly that
-
the local cats
-
decided to fight
-
until only tails
-
were visible from
-
a Chinese satellite
-
on course for
-
a rendezvous with
-
a Korean speciality
-
dog cooking chef
-
exiled to Barking
-
for substituting chows
-
because he couldn't
-
tell white from
-
wong and so
-
went back to
-
Nottingham where he
-
was snowed in
-
yet again, unsurprisingly
-
and unfortunately because . . . .
-
he had appointments
-
with witch doctors
-
who would cure
-
The trouser itch
-
that necessitated him
-
wearing loose shorts
-
unexpectedly revealing his
-
absence of fashion
-
in body piercings
-
that even Prince
-
Harry thought unwise
-
despite Prince Albert's
-
endorsement of various
-
less than comfortable
-
mechanical aids for
-
pouring a cup
-
of home brew
-
despite the risk
-
of hallucinations and
-
loss of eyesight
-
exploderising buckets and
-
a beating from
-
the phantom gate-crasher
-
of old London-town
-
where rhyming slang
-
heard from under
-
apples and pears
-
at Liverpool Street
-
Or mornington crescent......... rubschin:
-
where Berkshire Hunts
-
tunble:
-
sometimes take longer
-
because tantric methods
-
don't favour arthritis
-
but fortunately alternative
-
lifestyles prevent any
-
undue strange diseases
-
brought back from
-
unusual Mediterranean islands
-
where buckets are
-
a necessary part
-
of hiding those
-
shiny and smooth
-
slimy and putrid
-
yet surprisingly hospitable
-
brewers of interesting
-
purgatives and emetics
-
and beer substitute
-
which removed stains
-
from embarrassing places
-
normally covered by
-
another load of
-
washing to hang
-
out of reach
-
of huge spiders
-
with appetites for
-
anything which moves
-
except Panjeros that
-
sometimes move gateposts
-
when correctly fuelled
-
unlike the driver
-
whose Lidl visits
-
usually coincide with
-
dubious Internet activity
-
tunble:
-
patience dear, patience
-
at the hospital ..
-
where dog bites
-
Cost a fortune....... cussing:
-
solved by selling
-
a load of....
-
picklement made from
-
turnips and other..
-
root crops that
-
you can find...
-
inserted into places
-
and other fish
-
whose fins waved
-
like demonic flippers
-
at ginger haired
-
people drowning in
-
a torrent of
-
BM's homemade beer
-
accidentally spilled because
-
he'd forgotten the
-
way that Landlady
-
drove the Panjero
-
after too many
-
eggs served by...
-
triplets working for
-
Coop funeral services
-
whose unusual slogan
-
pay now die ...
-
which replaced 'Stiffs-R-Us'
-
felt to be
-
a euphemism for
-
Viagra or similar
-
that Nottingham residents . . .
-
use when visiting
-
young ladies from
-
that well known.......
-
Paphos den of
-
smuggering, beering and
-
debauchery, celebrated by
-
drinking fake Whiskey
-
and eating those....
-
Snips mixed with
-
bacon and those...
-
sausages made from
-
pork and unknown......
-
soldiers from Isis
-
on route to
-
to their targets
-
for punctuality and
-
actual punching of
-
the minister for
-
being the minister
-
for turnip production
-
and other agricultural
-
promotions including the
-
Swede of the
-
month award that
-
we was robbed
-
by turnip bearing
-
small men who.......
-
injected their turnips
-
with performance enhancing
-
additives that Russia . .
-
supplied with relish
-
and assorted picklements
-
and assorted picklements
and assorted picklements . . .
-
that the new..
-
Miss-C had prepared
-
using her enormous
-
turnips bought from
-
an itinerant chap
-
on the lips
-
and other parts
-
best not mentioned
-
like Nick's birthday.......
-
suit that's rumoured
-
to need ironing
-
to need ironing
and steam cleaning
-
due to misuse
-
over many years
-
with several owners
-
who did not......
-
understand the importance
-
of being earnest
-
handbag or not
-
unlike Margaret Thatcher
-
who still haunts
-
the corridors of
-
power where the
-
secret Ginger Society
-
plots to overthrow
-
the forces of
-
attraction between unspecified
-
alien turnip varieties
-
that sprout uncontrollably
-
near Sellafield and
-
Eternity and beyond
-
where Virtual Pubs
-
are found to
-
be frequented by
-
people weirder than
-
Tweeters and Faceachers
-
who post shite
-
in order to
-
appear knowledgeable or
-
less gay than
-
a gay thing
-
that's been outed
-
by dubious websites
-
and Virtual Pubs
-
where nothing is
-
what it seams
-
although they're edgy
-
and Frayed Bentosed
-
tinned pies that
-
were better than
-
the pukka ones
-
eaten by Gooners
-
on the terraces
-
watching Arsenal lose
-
to the mighty
-
Barnet women's reserves
-
a fearsome team
-
once a month
-
if you're lucky
-
with that certain......
-
whiff of failure
-
familiar to millions
-
of the present.....
-
LL never received
-
BM blamed DHL
-
DHL blamed Lidl
-
for cheap products
-
and bucket-headed customers
-
who regularly don't......
-
deliver popcorn flavourings
-
to VP members
-
of Parliament, numbering
-
in their hundreds
-
until BM pressed . . . .
-
his nose against
-
the nuclear button
-
causing Putin to
-
remove his shirt
-
revealing an unusual
-
Latvian string vest
-
stained with the
-
stew made from
-
leftovers from the
-
night before when . . .
-
nobody could remember
-
which bride had
-
ordered the disco
-
by those people......
-
who always eat
-
or bring those .......
-
McDees takeaways that
-
are like Mc Canns......... redface:
-
who left their
-
common sense at
-
Apey's comedy performance
-
after taking offence
-
at everything except
-
the cheap tickets
-
to see MeMi
-
slowly rust away
-
Near the home........
-
where quadcopters roamed
-
over the pool
-
briefly until the
-
battery died causing
-
the hoovercratf to ......
-
take on eels
-
That Miss D......
-
poached in Vodka
-
unlike the pickled........
-
peppers that Peter
-
out, North of
-
Gretna Green where
-
Miss-I waits patiently
-
but forlornly for
-
her long lost
-
ginger paramour who
-
sadly was car-less
-
due to a
-
Perforated preservative failure
-
best treated with
-
extreme caution, unless
-
you want to
-
suffer the consequences
-
of V-Pub ridicule
-
freely available to
-
those that register
-
their displeasure at
-
gubbery, politicians and
-
other reprobates that
-
even Millwall won't
-
countenance a visit
-
by any dusky
-
maiden with a
-
hovercraft full of
-
eels or pickled
-
eggs that wouldn't
-
be served by.......
-
Darwin's man because
-
the freezer had ....
-
been filled with
-
various turnip treats
-
very popular in
-
many tasty guises
-
according to those
-
with turnip expertise
-
so rare nowadays
-
a dying art
-
despite EU subsidies
-
pouring money in
-
for Turnip mountains
-
hidden in barns
-
where they ferment
-
producing the finest
-
vintage meths that
-
is much enjoyed
-
by beggars and
-
Darwin's man who
-
knows his place
-
and chips well.......
-
;D
but isn't allowed
-
vinegar on them
-
as that offends
-
the true connoisseur
-
who prefers ketchup
-
indeed, who does?
-
not like vinegar
-
or other condiments
-
Darwin's man hides
-
under the duvet
-
with the magazines
-
which Darwin discards
-
when well thumbed
-
and carefully perused
-
in case any
-
pictures of Miss . . .
-
Tractor 1952 were
-
there because she
-
could pull anything
-
and frequently did
-
until the great
-
scandal about those
-
turnip mountains became
-
tabloid headlines that
-
exposed the waste
-
of space that
-
Tabloids really are
-
except when used
-
to wipe your
-
Wellies after walking
-
away from those
-
spreading muck and
-
selling turnip futures
-
under the counter
-
to Latvian Triplets
-
whose financial acumen
-
was at best
-
suitable for Latvia
-
where turnips are
-
revered as sacred
-
and robust currency
-
because Latvians are
-
poor and hungry
-
ever since that
-
Putin blockaded the
-
local Lidl and
-
bombed the MacDonalds
-
and ravaged the
-
Latvian food-hall where
-
triplets were performing
-
a turnip sacrifice
-
ritual involving the
-
Riga tourist board
-
whose mascot was
-
introduced to Stalin
-
who mistook it
-
for something edible
-
(not a turnip then)
which seriously upset
-
all the Swedes
-
arriving for Eurovision
-
to sing and
-
show us their
-
very safe cars
-
mostly driven by
-
middle aged men
-
and wives who
-
shop at Waitrose
-
with their daughters
-
who always demand
-
munny, munny munny
-
in return for
-
keeping quiet about
-
shopping at Lidi
-
in their pyjamas
-
and fluffy slippers
-
despite the lack
-
of Jeremy Beadle's
-
rather small, shaved
-
but apparently untrimmed
-
nasal orifices that
-
so horrified those
-
who first saw
-
what was under
-
the mask that
-
didn't quite cover
-
the aftereffects of
-
of the hideous
-
lunch that Nod
-
had drunk earlier
-
in front of
-
a busload of
-
of pensioners out
-
to choose curtains
-
to hide their
-
misdemeanors and other
-
extraordinarily athletic adventures
-
that keep them
-
regularly in A&E
-
clogging up beds
-
that should be
-
used by more
-
of those with
-
life threatening injuries
-
from flying quadcopters
-
poorly flown by
-
callapso fuelled zombies
-
who think they're
-
also in Andalucia
-
drinking themselves silly
-
to forget the
-
horrible events of
-
last summer when
-
the holidaymakers revolted
-
when they saw
-
their way through
-
the underground car-park
-
to find their
-
lost car that
-
had been vandalised
-
it seemed but
-
was it's natural
-
reaction to the
-
the state of
-
of Nod after
-
naming the land
-
Landy McLandface because
-
of a lack
-
of advice from
-
the Land Registry
-
because of cutbacks
-
or cuts back
-
to the field
-
of dreams where
-
they will come
-
to realise that
-
drinking is folly
-
except when celebrating
-
a babby or
-
a holiday without
-
strings attached because
-
bondage is so
-
de rigueur and
-
webcams can accidentally
-
expose events that
-
are hilarious to
-
separate cat videos
-
about piano playing
-
tunble: rubschin:
in cake shops
-
along with trains
-
and Cow-TV that
-
takes you to
-
assignations with those
-
ladies that reveal
-
far too much
-
about their paramours
-
who were unaware
-
of the video
-
taken by quadcopter
-
hovering over the
-
pool until the
-
the batteries died
-
because Lidl batteries
-
aren't big enough
-
to power those
-
quadcopters for long
-
voyeurism stints when
-
pools are empty
-
and beers are
-
homemade but taste
-
like kidney-made because
-
the brewing process
-
was compromised by
-
various chemicals leaking
-
from restored cars
-
left neglected in
-
the garage where
-
the quadcopter languishes
-
secretly plotting to
-
film secret assignations
-
because blackmail is
-
always the best
-
for boosting income
-
as selling gadgets
-
to less discerning
-
islanders is rarely
-
worth the effort
-
after allowing for
-
their discretions that
-
are famous in
-
no other place
-
than those where
-
buckets are worn
-
except when greeting
-
the neighbours who
-
knew people that
-
would take out
-
anyone for money
-
provided that the
-
evidence was removed
-
from the scene
-
because the locals
-
are suspicious of
-
ex-Pat Brits because
-
they complain about
-
everything, anything and
-
never accept that
-
Blighty is best
-
when it counts
-
despite the weather
-
and the food
-
and the food
rubschin: chippy vans excepted
-
because chips are
-
to die for
-
especially when smothered
-
with ketchup and
-
not chewed before
-
the children because
-
they would want
-
them with Marmite
-
not a combination
-
MissD could abide
-
because of an
-
Irrational Marmiteophobia that
-
causes blotches and
-
vodka cravings and
-
holiday urges that
-
ensure Eurovision is
-
watched and enjoyed
-
by Latvians and
-
and other eastern
-
unplaceable countries because
-
their lack of
-
trains in cake-shops
-
causing bread to
-
become a delicacy
-
eaten only by
-
aliens, zombies and
-
other SF creatures
-
who marvel at
-
the taste of
-
human flesh because
-
the bread was
-
gluten free again
-
which pleased the
-
Gluten Liberation Front
-
having campaigned for
-
disproportional representation in
-
the Bread Council
-
whose trains are
-
never on time
-
due to cakes-on-line
-
causing major accidents
-
and plummeting meringue-futures
-
causing mass suicide
-
Swiss train rides
-
off mountain tops
-
The Lemming Line
-
built by Irish
-
Leprechauns whose drinking
-
habits were notorious
-
and rivalled those
-
of ex-pats who
-
brew booze from
-
dawn to dusk
-
because at night
-
nefarious activities are
-
easily hidden from
-
the authorities who
-
normally can't be
-
seen or heard
-
despite wearing high-vis
-
pyjamas in bed
-
causing bad dreams
-
about hot glue
-
and dad dancing
-
after imbibing home-brew
-
stirred by quadcopters
-
or shaken by
-
Shakers and Quakers
-
who care not
-
for worldly pleasures
-
so are often
-
not invited to
-
wild hedonistic parties
-
fuelled by Cider
-
and homemade beer
-
in copious amounts
-
despite several warnings
-
and bitter experience
-
from previous attempts
-
that ended in
-
A massive hangover
-
and considerable damage
-
to buckets and
-
quadcoptors that had
-
been cupboard bound
-
for some time
-
sat next to
-
various MeMi parts
-
and flavoured popcorn
-
being saved for
-
a rainy day
-
that never comes
-
because giraffe woman
-
tell us this
-
No-one believes her
-
since the incident
-
with Stumpy that
-
ended his career
-
( rubschin: Stumpy is a girl)
just before the
-
gender re-assignment operation
-
accidentally performed instead
-
of an appendectomy
-
by bladdered surgeons
-
and sex-starved nurses
-
(unfortunately male nurses)
-
can be sex-starved
-
which is why
-
they cannot concentrate
-
on anything but
-
getting leg over
-
or before wicket
-
or caught on
-
the boundary where
-
Nick was sitting
-
watching the proceedings
-
via a quadcopter
-
operated by Barman
-
which meant that
-
there was no
-
chance of fireworks
-
or safe landings
-
in swimming pools
-
where the crocodiles
-
lurk, waiting for
-
unsuspecting ex-pats who
-
go skinny dipping
-
which horrifies those
-
watching from the
-
crumpled gates that
-
had suffered repeated
-
tragic catastrophic meltdown
-
and then mowed-down
-
as a result
-
of bad driving
-
which results from
-
to much collapso
-
drunk to forget . . .
-
the awful predicament
-
when they saw
-
what the heatwave
-
did to buckets
-
left out in
-
hope of catching
-
Spies and Pirates. i wasn't joking. lol:
-
of the Caribbean
-
who ravaged the
-
nubile young Latvians
-
who had sailed
-
the seven seas
-
of rhye with
-
nothing to drink
-
but home-brew and
-
that gave them
-
weird dreams about
-
being with Nick
-
Winchester in hand
-
on rocket powered
-
hovercraft full of
-
;D ^
the very finest
-
eels and other
-
foods of wrongfulness
-
supplied by grocers
-
using unique trains
-
to transport them
-
separately from cakes
-
sent by air
-
France, who lost
-
in extra time
-
against Germany who
-
used a sweeper
-
to clear the
-
dangerous balls that
-
get crossed from
-
the far-left wing
-
by Jeremy Corbyn
-
because Ronaldo was
-
counting his millions
-
of selfies that
-
document his life
-
on the tiles
-
before he fell
-
landing in the
-
Slough of Despond
-
near unsightly Staines
-
needing bio washing-powder
-
and boil wash
-
causing much dampness
-
in those areas
-
where mould thrives
-
like Apeys wallet
-
neglected for years
-
ever since when
-
he's lived off
-
his tab that
-
remains unsettled for
-
past three months
-
which is longer
-
than queuing for
-
ages, when you
-
want the toilet
-
to be repaired
-
after the explosive
-
events that followed
-
the curry eating
-
eventually won by
-
grump mister extraordinaire
-
who then experienced
-
a bout of
-
Carpet cleaning to
-
break world records
-
for shag pile
-
so beloved by
-
sixties icons like
-
Long John Baldry
-
R.I.P.
-
like so many
-
from that era
-
before the interweb
-
but after Caxton
-
and his press
-
that crushed grapes
-
making the drink
-
we know as
-
the cause of
-
dad dancing extravaganzas
-
With BM leading
-
and LL facepalming
-
while reversing into
-
a discarded quadcopter
-
In the driveway
-
where vipers roam
-
in search of
-
Marmite flavoured treats
-
And strange popcorn
-
only legal in
-
Closing snoring nostrils
-
or leaking dykes
-
from Amsterdam where
-
little mice danced
-
with clogs on
-
to earworm tunes
-
from Uncle Mac
-
Donald whose farm
-
was filled with
-
TV watching cows
-
and railway coaches
-
full of those
-
bloody awful tourists
-
from Henley where
-
they have no
-
need for tourism
-
but nevertheless some
-
were bound to
-
be festival bound
-
then homeward bound
-
covered with mud
-
reeking of booze
-
and drug induced
-
hallucinations causing them
-
to hear fire-alarms
-
and police sirens
-
awakening them from
-
the dead, despite
-
wooden stakes and
-
Four post and
-
heavy curtains with
-
tassels, just like
-
Nod fantasises about
-
on Saturday nights
-
because Saturday is
-
the day before
-
he remembers that
-
Monday is actually
-
Spiritual Healing day
-
when all the
-
tea in China
-
is needed to
-
quell the fires
-
following that incident
-
with the quadcoptor
-
blamed on those
-
who lacked much
-
turnip cooking skills
-
Or much upstairs
-
due to home-brew
-
And other disasters
-
that led to
-
yet nore disasters
-
that Sky News
-
Reports daily about
-
Most gleefully because
-
it raises ratings
-
and other ranks
-
in Oliver's Army
-
who sang ditties
-
about big girls'
-
blouses, worn by
-
Bristol City ladies
-
during their first
-
match against those
-
other big girls
-
from Arsenal where
-
Apey lost his
-
marbles and his
-
return ticket to
-
UK and sanity
-
so sadly he
-
was compelled to
-
raid buffets and
-
feign dire poverty
-
whilst getting BM...
-
that surprise of
-
a lifetime, which
-
surpassed even when
-
sadsmiley30:
-
boredom sets in
-
said Nod after
-
a dry day
-
in Barcelona with
-
little chance of
-
finding peace from
-
Catalonian separatists who
-
lifted and separated
-
lifted and separated
happy001
Just like when
-
sadsmiley30:
-
Steve got bored
-
waiting for his
-
pretend food that .......
-
made us wonder
-
if it really ..
-
gave him any
-
Chance of enjoying..
-
that beer that
-
I bought with.....
-
the pub voucher
-
that BM was...
-
Not advertising widely
-
on Facebook or
-
even with his..
-
secret website where
-
he tells all..
-
about those jugs
-
that were filled
-
with beer that
-
tasted of urine
-
added because home-brew
-
was somewhat insipid
-
because BM forgot
-
to put in
-
pork in cider
-
because memory is
-
dulled by homebrew
-
and the ravages
-
of angry women
-
who put his
-
stash of magazines
-
on the BBQ
-
where unfortunately the
-
evidence floated locally
-
past where the
-
tenants were covered
-
in a layer
-
of treacle and
-
fetid stew debris
-
which Apey hadn't
-
left in the
-
usual place because
-
the aroma attracted
-
flies and women
-
like flies, despite
-
his small part
-
which was hidden
-
In Foggy's handbag
-
along with pickled
-
onions and gherkins
-
from Lidl where
-
everything is sold
-
so cheap that
-
it breaks before
-
beer O'Clock when
-
cheap Belgian beer
-
and rubbish home-brew
-
for stripping paint
-
or Polish Ladies
-
who polished his
-
collection of coffins
-
in preparation for
-
some nefarious undertakings
-
at midnight when
-
they thought Santa
-
is due to
-
climb down their
-
drainpipe after that
-
escaped rat, which
-
cooked could feed
-
a small family
-
belonging to TMR
-
an unknown member
-
had been inserted
-
using JOM's didder,
-
well lubricated and
-
properly warmed using
-
a paraffin blowlamp
-
stolen from those
-
innocent third parties
-
last seen wandering
-
around Cyprus where
-
Lord Lucan roams
-
riding Shergar and
-
Amelia Earhart and
-
other Atlantis residents
-
that barely suspected
-
the disaster that
-
was sure to
-
ensue after they
-
drank that homebrew
-
found abandoned in
-
poor MeMi that
-
failed its MOT
-
despite the envelope
-
because Apey had
-
surreptitiously opened it
-
that night when
-
BM was otherwise
-
occupied with those
-
flooded streets and
-
queues at Lidl
-
waiting for bargains
-
on beer and
-
skittles nights at
-
the WI where
-
short of W......
-
they improvised with
-
a "M" upsidedown
-
excited James Bond
-
so much that
-
he was stirred
-
and shaken because
-
of the disappointment
-
when he saw
-
that the snow
-
had been obscuring
-
the secret lair
-
where those nubile
-
young women cavaulted
-
and ate cake
-
and other railway
-
food especially those
-
curled up sandwiches
-
that once contained
-
a meat product
-
with added 'flavourings'
-
to disguise the
-
engine oil taste
-
similar to Kentucky
-
Fried Clutches that
-
caused grief for
-
banjo duelling inbreds
-
including George Formby
-
that cleaned windows
-
of updates and
-
ransomware that PC-World
-
had installed when
-
'repairing' MissD's laptop
-
before losing it
-
when distracted by
-
chocolate or vodka
-
in copious amounts
-
supplied by those
-
unwilling to risk
-
the wrath of
-
Khan, otherwise known
-
as the mayor
-
of Gotham city
-
where Batman keeps
-
asking Robin to
-
answer eel quizzes
-
on behalf of
-
Bertha Rochester and
-
other mad women
-
who'd drunk that
-
3 months later . . . . .
-
We'd still be
-
wondering if those
-
who had nothing
-
to wear for
-
the funeral of
-
the England team
-
who had unfortunately
-
lost in the
-
mists of time
-
all of their.......
-
otherwise clearly remembered
-
3D printed termites
-
nine months later
-
Nick was starting
-
to learn how...
-
to change nappies
-
For himself and....
-
;D
the sprog that
-
Became the artist.......
-
formerly known as
-
Thomas the Tank.....
-
whose famous bogies
-
Who voiced by.....
-
Nod and those
-
other inmates, who
-
had both been..
-
jailed for impersonating
-
sane British tourists
-
rarely seen in
-
my living memory
-
going back to
-
the halcyon days
-
before the Titanic
-
went down quicker.....
-
than Katie Price
-
when offered a
-
A good stiff.......
-
vodka mixed with
-
little regard for
-
bystanders who watched
-
in horror as
-
a Marmite jar
-
Was mixed with...
-
Miss D's voddy
-
to create the
-
tantrum from hell
-
with whirling axes
-
and foot stamping
-
blokes trying to.......
-
drive clown cars
-
through narrow gates
-
past old Sierras
-
With two punctures........ evil:
-
caused by fallen
-
women with loose
-
sequinned dresses from
-
from BM own.....
-
secret wardrobe that
-
goes to Narnia
-
where lions and
-
bears oh my
-
:thumbsup: (had to google that)
accompanying Dorothy to
-
meet her friends
-
in Pissouri where
-
people in closets
-
slid off mountains
-
, roofs and ladders
-
wearing buckets and
-
dodging lady drivers whistle:
-
intent of revenge
-
for quadcopter purchases
-
that damaged water-supplies
-
of the much.....
-
unwashed communities of
-
which he was
-
rejected from because
-
of the itchy........
-
bites from those
-
just out from.....
-
the flea circus
-
Or flying circus...
-
where hovercrafts are
-
full of eels
-
and burnt pizza......
-
best served cold
-
Coz Nick's oven........
-
fuse has blown
-
because he wished
-
that for once.....
-
Mr Stew would
-
taste like real......
-
food, suitable for
-
setting before the
-
Vicar's daughter removed.....
-
all of her
-
safety catches because
-
that very strange.......
-
Elf-n-Safety is so
-
prevalent in every
-
roofer's mindset except
-
the one fiddling.....
-
with excuses for
-
going to the ....
-
place that sells
-
sea shells on
-
the place near.....
-
McDees where often
-
you see bewildered
-
bucket wearing customers
-
dancing like the......
-
brick laden washing-machine
-
mistakenly filled by
-
misguided Afghan militants.....
-
who thought that
-
the end was ...
-
nigh because the
-
night belongs to...
-
the round table
-
where lazy Susan
-
lay back and ..
-
thought of England
-
and Marmite flavoured
-
peanuts, which caused
-
Miss D to
-
retch uncontrolably, then
-
remembering the axe. . . .
-
was still stuck
-
in that bucket
-
which in turn
-
was superglued to
-
the limits of
-
of their wet.......
-
suits, worn because
-
the drains were
-
full of eels
-
that had escaped
-
from the hovercraft
-
the Russians had.......
-
been using to
-
remove quadcopters from
-
the lagoon where
-
Nick had managed...
-
to hide those
-
small faux pas
-
including that incident
-
With cake and......
-
the solid gold
-
bidet, used only
-
when matron had