Fresh from the Inbox

[Steve]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. The barman says "If you want a punch, you'll have to stand in line."

The guy looks around, but there is no punch line...

Don't encourage him

Tis really simple.  If I laugh I post a  or more, if I don't I don't

And since I laughed . . . . .

. . . . . You were pissed 

  nope

[Steve]

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, “Kids, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?”

Little Stevie raised his hand and said “I would want silver, because silver is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Ferarri.” The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, “I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche.” The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, “I would want silicone.” The teacher said, “Silicone? Why silicone,

Little Johnny?” “Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!”

[Nick]

 

[Steve]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph"s Hospital.

She timidly asked "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"The operator said, "I"ll be glad to help, dear. What"s the name and room number?"The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Katie Findlay, Room 69".The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Good news. Her nurse has told me that Katie is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine. Her blood test just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Sutherland, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday".The grandmother said, "Thank you. That"s wonderful! I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You"re more than welcome. Is Katie your daughter?"The grandmother said, "No - I"m Katie Findlay in Room 69. No one tells me fuck all here."....................

[Nick]

Affs?

[Steve]

Affs?

Search engine didn't find it

[Nick]

http://newsthump.com/2016/03/14/hs2-will-allow-people-to-leave-birmingham-more-quickly-than-ever-pledges-government/

[Barman]

http://newsthump.com/2016/03/14/hs2-will-allow-people-to-leave-birmingham-more-quickly-than-ever-pledges-government/

[Steve]

http://newsthump.com/2016/03/14/hs2-will-allow-people-to-leave-birmingham-more-quickly-than-ever-pledges-government/

[Darwins Selection]

http://newsthump.com/2016/03/14/hs2-will-allow-people-to-leave-birmingham-more-quickly-than-ever-pledges-government/

[Steve]

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex viz you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.'
...
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'
'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze.... Four-sprung Duck technique'

I'll get me coat.

[Steve]

(Well this is actually from Mrs K's In Box as Henning Wehn writes to her)

Dear Friends Of German Comedy...

Rhodri Philipps has been sentenced to 12 weeks in prison for offering £5k to anyone for running over anti-Brexit campaigner Gina Miller.
Mind you, knowing the namby-pamby nature of the British criminal justice system he’ll be out in six. Call me old-fashioned, but 12 weeks should mean 12 weeks.
 
Public opinion on the sentencing is divided. Some claim if he had been a Muslim rather than the 4th Viscount St Davids (to anyone foreign: this is actually a thing), Philipps would have been given a longer sentence whilst others feel no-one should be locked up for stuff they post on social media.
 
Sadly both schools of thought are missing the core problem with the story: it makes Britain look like a third world country.
 
£5k might be an incentive in the sort of places the very people are from, Philipps doesn’t want to see here, but in an industrialised country no-one should commit a murder for any less than, say, £50k. Mad Frankie Fraser would be turning in his grave if he knew about this kind of wage dumping.
 
I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole affair turns out to be a Home Office ploy to deter foreign hitmen / immigrants from settling in Britain.
 
Have a great summer Henning 

[Barman]

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex viz you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.'
...
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'
'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze.... Four-sprung Duck technique'

I'll get me coat.

 

[boogs]

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex viz you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.'
...
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'
'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze.... Four-sprung Duck technique'

I'll get me coat.

 

[Steve]

Saw a sign in the bus station today, it said 'One bus takes 35 cars off the road' personally I think it depends how aggressive the driver is.